New user here. A little background--
My partner and I have been together almost 7yrs, married less then a year. We had been monogamous for most of the relationship. My partner expressed that he wanted poly and I was open to the idea. We originally started with a sexual aspect of it (a wife-share thing). Our communication really faltered and it became just sour to both of us.
I struggled with codependency after being in monogamous relationships, and bad abusive ones, at that, prior to us getting together. It's been a process that I've been actively mentally dealing with and working thru and knowing I can't use him as a crutch or be so dependent on him.
We attempted a throuple, but that also ended badly, though that was on the 3rd's end, with lack of communication and constant lies, etc.
Anyway, my partner got an offer for a job and after talking about it, he moved out of the state for this job with full intentions of us (kids and i) moving within a few months to follow. I was struggling with the jealousy and emotional side of things, and with a very people-pleaser attitude. I expressed that while we were apart, I had no desire to continue poly on my end. I hadn't really formed any super great or meaningful connections with anyone here. And with us leaving anyway, I just really stepped away from the thought till we were all together again. He had also expressed the same thing, though he was going to stay with a long-time friend who also is poly, and he expressed wanting to also be with them. It was a see how it goes thing. However, it very quickly progressed. It became clear that he wanted more and that it was going to go to a sexual level.
I am personally at a point where I don't think I want poly. While he talked about in the beginning, it never felt serious and it didn't come up often. So now I'm struggling, because emotionally and mentally I'm hurt. I can see all the good things in poly and I want that. But I've expressed to him that a long distance, where I'm here solo and he's there, I'm not in a mentally good place to push poly. He then said he wanted to pursue this partner either way, regardless of if I wanted poly too, or not. But he still wanted us to be together.
I love him and I want him in my life. I want poly to work, but my mental health is my priority. And he is his own person. I can't control his actions. I could never ask or force him to not purse a lifestyle that he thrives in. I'm not gonna make him choose me over the other, etc. But I also realize that means that being with him might not be an option either. He's expressed before on many occasions that he'd do poly either way, but also that with me not part of it, he has no interest in poly either.
Am I valid for being upset with him for wanting to purse a sexual relationship with this partner, knowing that he's hurting me? Knowing that I wanted to pause until we were back together in person because of my mental health?
I'm just torn. I don't have a group of friends or family to talk to, to just voice myself. I'm just at a loss.
My partner and I have been together almost 7yrs, married less then a year. We had been monogamous for most of the relationship. My partner expressed that he wanted poly and I was open to the idea. We originally started with a sexual aspect of it (a wife-share thing). Our communication really faltered and it became just sour to both of us.
I struggled with codependency after being in monogamous relationships, and bad abusive ones, at that, prior to us getting together. It's been a process that I've been actively mentally dealing with and working thru and knowing I can't use him as a crutch or be so dependent on him.
We attempted a throuple, but that also ended badly, though that was on the 3rd's end, with lack of communication and constant lies, etc.
Anyway, my partner got an offer for a job and after talking about it, he moved out of the state for this job with full intentions of us (kids and i) moving within a few months to follow. I was struggling with the jealousy and emotional side of things, and with a very people-pleaser attitude. I expressed that while we were apart, I had no desire to continue poly on my end. I hadn't really formed any super great or meaningful connections with anyone here. And with us leaving anyway, I just really stepped away from the thought till we were all together again. He had also expressed the same thing, though he was going to stay with a long-time friend who also is poly, and he expressed wanting to also be with them. It was a see how it goes thing. However, it very quickly progressed. It became clear that he wanted more and that it was going to go to a sexual level.
I am personally at a point where I don't think I want poly. While he talked about in the beginning, it never felt serious and it didn't come up often. So now I'm struggling, because emotionally and mentally I'm hurt. I can see all the good things in poly and I want that. But I've expressed to him that a long distance, where I'm here solo and he's there, I'm not in a mentally good place to push poly. He then said he wanted to pursue this partner either way, regardless of if I wanted poly too, or not. But he still wanted us to be together.
I love him and I want him in my life. I want poly to work, but my mental health is my priority. And he is his own person. I can't control his actions. I could never ask or force him to not purse a lifestyle that he thrives in. I'm not gonna make him choose me over the other, etc. But I also realize that means that being with him might not be an option either. He's expressed before on many occasions that he'd do poly either way, but also that with me not part of it, he has no interest in poly either.
Am I valid for being upset with him for wanting to purse a sexual relationship with this partner, knowing that he's hurting me? Knowing that I wanted to pause until we were back together in person because of my mental health?
I'm just torn. I don't have a group of friends or family to talk to, to just voice myself. I'm just at a loss.
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