Struggling with knowing if i want poly

Muggys

New member
New user here. A little background--
My partner and I have been together almost 7yrs, married less then a year. We had been monogamous for most of the relationship. My partner expressed that he wanted poly and I was open to the idea. We originally started with a sexual aspect of it (a wife-share thing). Our communication really faltered and it became just sour to both of us.

I struggled with codependency after being in monogamous relationships, and bad abusive ones, at that, prior to us getting together. It's been a process that I've been actively mentally dealing with and working thru and knowing I can't use him as a crutch or be so dependent on him.

We attempted a throuple, but that also ended badly, though that was on the 3rd's end, with lack of communication and constant lies, etc.

Anyway, my partner got an offer for a job and after talking about it, he moved out of the state for this job with full intentions of us (kids and i) moving within a few months to follow. I was struggling with the jealousy and emotional side of things, and with a very people-pleaser attitude. I expressed that while we were apart, I had no desire to continue poly on my end. I hadn't really formed any super great or meaningful connections with anyone here. And with us leaving anyway, I just really stepped away from the thought till we were all together again. He had also expressed the same thing, though he was going to stay with a long-time friend who also is poly, and he expressed wanting to also be with them. It was a see how it goes thing. However, it very quickly progressed. It became clear that he wanted more and that it was going to go to a sexual level.

I am personally at a point where I don't think I want poly. While he talked about in the beginning, it never felt serious and it didn't come up often. So now I'm struggling, because emotionally and mentally I'm hurt. I can see all the good things in poly and I want that. But I've expressed to him that a long distance, where I'm here solo and he's there, I'm not in a mentally good place to push poly. He then said he wanted to pursue this partner either way, regardless of if I wanted poly too, or not. But he still wanted us to be together.

I love him and I want him in my life. I want poly to work, but my mental health is my priority. And he is his own person. I can't control his actions. I could never ask or force him to not purse a lifestyle that he thrives in. I'm not gonna make him choose me over the other, etc. But I also realize that means that being with him might not be an option either. He's expressed before on many occasions that he'd do poly either way, but also that with me not part of it, he has no interest in poly either.

Am I valid for being upset with him for wanting to purse a sexual relationship with this partner, knowing that he's hurting me? Knowing that I wanted to pause until we were back together in person because of my mental health?

I'm just torn. I don't have a group of friends or family to talk to, to just voice myself. I'm just at a loss.
 
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In my opinion, if he's articulated that he's going to poly "with or without you," he's indicating that either 1) being poly is as or more important to him than your partnership, or 2) being with that particular person is as or more important to him than your partnership.

It's ok to be upset, and it's ok to prefer a monogamous partnership. Dig deep and figure out not just what you can handle, but what you want.
 
New user here. A little background--
My partner and I have been together almost 7yrs, married less then a year. We had been monogamous for most of the relationship. My partner expressed that he wanted poly and I was open to the idea. We originally started with a sexual aspect of it (a wife-share thing). Our communication really faltered and it became just sour to both of us.

I struggled with codependency after being in monogamous relationships, and bad abusive ones, at that, prior to us getting together. It's been a process that I've been actively mentally dealing with and working thru and knowing I can't use him as a crutch or be so dependent on him.

We attempted a throuple, but that also ended badly, though that was on the 3rd's end, with lack of communication and constant lies, etc.

Anyway, my partner got an offer for a job and after talking about it, he moved out of the state for this job with full intentions of us (kids and i) moving within a few months to follow. I was struggling with the jealousy and emotional side of things, and with a very people-pleaser attitude. I expressed that while we were apart, I had no desire to continue poly on my end. I hadn't really formed any super great or meaningful connections with anyone here. And with us leaving anyway, I just really stepped away from the thought till we were all together again. He had also expressed the same thing, though he was going to stay with a long-time friend who also is poly, and he expressed wanting to also be with them. It was a see how it goes thing. However, it very quickly progressed. It became clear that he wanted more and that it was going to go to a sexual level.

I am personally at a point where I don't think I want poly. While he talked about in the beginning, it never felt serious and it didn't come up often. So now I'm struggling, because emotionally and mentally I'm hurt. I can see all the good things in poly and I want that. But I've expressed to him that a long distance, where I'm here solo and he's there, I'm not in a mentally good place to push poly. He then said he wanted to pursue this partner either way, regardless of if I wanted poly too, or not. But he still wanted us to be together.

I love him and I want him in my life. I want poly to work, but my mental health is my priority. And he is his own person. I can't control his actions. I could never ask or force him to not purse a lifestyle that he thrives in. I'm not gonna make him choose me over the other, etc. But I also realize that means that being with him might not be an option either. He's expressed before on many occasions that he'd do poly either way, but also that with me not part of it, he has no interest in poly either.

Am I valid for being upset with him for wanting to purse a sexual relationship with this partner, knowing that he's hurting me? Knowing that I wanted to pause until we were back together in person because of my mental health?

I'm just torn. I don't have a group of friends or family to talk to, to just voice myself. I'm just at a loss.
Welcome. I am sorry you're struggling at this point in your marriage.

To me, it sounds like you and your husband just jumped into an open marriage without doing much self-education. The ins and outs of an open relationship can be tricky, hard to navigate, highly emotional, up one minute, down the next, like a rollercoaster.

Your h is giving you mixed messages. He says he won't do poly without you, but he will do poly with this friend/roommate no matter what you say! Those are entirely opposite statements! How can you navigate that?

It sounds like he's enjoying his freedom with the new partner, no kids, no wife, no negotiating threeways, lots of time and opportunity for one-on-one sex. To be honest, one-on-one dating in poly IS much much easier. Couples who try to "share a third" usually fail, just as you've experienced.

I hear that you've been left behind with the kids, and you probably don't have time, energy or inclination to go through the effort of dating new people at this time. If you feel like it's not fair that hubby is off having NRE with new chick while you're home dealing with your job and all the work of parenting, you're right. It isn't fair.

What to do? Well, you can just let him go have his affair, if you want. He's not doing polyamory, since he doesn't have your joyful consent. He is basically cheating on your agreements. Maybe he's actually done with trying to do poly/open relationship as a wife-swap or threesome with a unicorn thing. Or maybe he's just tired of being a husband and a dad and is enjoying his newfound freedom/bachelor life! In that case, work on a separation and divorce. But he will have to be a dad part time. He has that responsibility, at least!

Or, you could get a couple's therapist and see if you can actually negotiate ETHICAL non-monogamy. The ethical part is what would make this be okay. Right now, it's not okay.

But for now, you're stuck here and he's over there... You can educate yourself more about ENM and why what you're doing is wrong, and how to get it right. Please check out our resource list here (I'd start with the articles about triads/unicorns, and then read the book Opening Up):

 
This sounds hard. I'm sorry. :(

I suggest you do your soul searching and figure out what you want your next steps to be. Some thoughts in case it helps you reflect...

It's okay not to want any poly at all, ever.

It's also okay not to want poly with HIM if he's messy, unreliable, or gives mixed messages.

Is this even a healthy relationship? I read you had abusive relationships in the past, so compared to that he might seem "better." But that doesn't mean it's "healthy." Perhaps this tool helps you assess:


What are the current agreements?
  • That both are free to poly date people, but neither one wanted to right now? And then it turns out he DOES want to date the friend he's going to be living with while out there for a job?
  • That you are BOTH pausing poly dating to deal with this move first and neither one will date new people til you move out there?
  • Something else?

Is he going to make the new roomie relationship weird by hitting on the unsuspecting roomie?

If the roomie friend IS up for dating, is he going intensify a new dating relationship with insta-cohabitation rather than waiting to date from separate flats?

Or were they already online dating before the move out there, and this person is the whole reason for the new job and move?

He's free to make messes in his other relationships. If this friend kicks him out for hitting on them and he has to take a flat on his own out there is that going to mess up joint finances with you? Or would he come back here and lose the job? Would you even want him back here?

He then said he wanted to pursue this partner either way, regardless of if I wanted poly too, or not. But he still wanted us to be together.

He's going to pursue the friend whether you agree to continue with poly or not, like your voice doesn't matter? Or just acting like he's single when he's a married father? AND he wants you around still even when he treats you like that? That's messed up. Did you trade one kind of abuse for emotional/mental abuse with this partner?

But I also realize that means that being with him might not be an option either.

I know single parenting is hard, but you have community here, right? Do you have a job already?

Maybe you take this year as a trial separation with him over there dating or not dating as he pleases. And you stay here dating or not dating as you please. And you figure out coparenting agreements during the separation for holiday breaks. See what life without him is like. Maybe you'll find out you like it better after things calm down and stabilize.

He's expressed before on many occasions that he'd do poly either way, but also that with me not part of it, he has no interest in poly either.

What does that even MEAN? He wants a triad? He's harem building? He wants to do whatever he wants when he wants, and wants you to "agree" to it, so he doesn't have to feel bad for behaving this way?

This sounds emotionally manipulative, or at least REALLY weird... like he doesn't even know what he wants.

I would not be excited to move out there with him away from my community. It would be so isolating.

And then counting on someone who is all over the place? I'd vote "no confidence" and stay put.

Am I valid for being upset with him for wanting to purse a sexual relationship with this partner, knowing that he's hurting me?

Yes. Your feelings are valid. HOW he practices poly is wonky sounding and it's dinging you. You don't have to be GLAD about being dinged. It's fair to be upset about that.

Knowing that I wanted to pause until we were back together in person because of my mental health?

If you two have poly agreements that say both can date, then he doesn't have to pause for the move just because you want to. But how is he showing up to support you through this mental health thing? Is he not showing up at all?

If you two made an agreement to pause poly on both sides until you moved out there, and he agreed? Then he's now cheating on those agreements. It would have been more honest to say "No, I don't agree" in the first place. Or "I want to renegotiate." Not just "Well, I'm gonna do what I want whether you like it or not."

It's mean.

I'm just torn. I don't have a group of friends or family to talk to, to just voice myself. I'm just at a loss.

Again, it's okay to say, "No, thanks. I don't want any poly like THAT."

You can't stop him from making messes out there. You could think about staying here rather than joining him in a few months. Would you be able to do that? Could you do counseling for yourself? YMMV, but could try:


Galagirl
 
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Hello Muggys,

You are valid for being upset with your partner. He is pursuing something that he knows is hurting you, all you asked was that he pause until you and he were back together in person, and he is not honoring that request. Tell him that you are hurt and upset with him.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
 
I myself am trying to figure out ethical non-monogamy and if I want a part of it. I don't know much but what I have learned is that it doesn't work unless BOTH people in the primary relationship are on board. You asking him to put a hold on seeing other people, especially while you are basically a single parent and dealing with mental health issues, should be respected. This whole "I don't want to do it without you, but will anyway" is gaslighting. What is he going to do when you and the kids move there? Is he planning on living with you but still seeing the person he's continuing to stay with, or is he going to decide to live the single life and leave his family in the dust? I would take a long look and discuss with a therapist if this relationship is healthy and if you should separate.
 
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