Hello everyone!
I am a 28 year old heterosexual male who has been in a monogamous relationship for 8 years.
I have always felt that polyamory is my preferred lifestyle but so far I have been unable to live it and have found close to no support or understanding for my opinions. I have come here to seek advice and some understanding.
But first a bit of background. Please forgive me if it turns out to be long.
I was 16 years old when I first had a relationship with a girl. It was the first one for both of us. After just one week or so after we got together I went on a school-trip for a week. On the first night I encountered another girl and towards the end of the night we found ourselves alone in a room and started kissing. Immediately I told her that I had a girlfriend and that was the end of it. This was the precise moment when I fully realized that monogamy is not for me. Why would I abort this sharing of intimacy just because there is another person I love? How does this addition of pleasure diminish our relationship? That's what I kept thinking.
The relationship with my girlfriend lasted for 2 years. After that we broke up, because she felt that she doesn't want me to be the only man she's ever been with. Obviously I supported her freedom to become involved with other people. Actually I might have been even pushing her into that direction, because I felt that by trying it out she would realize that polyamory is OK and thus be fine with myself being involved with other people as well. This didn't work out, because she said that while she wanted to see other people as well, she couldn't imagine doing it while still being in a relationship with me - so we broke up. This was the first of what was to become a long series of girls breaking up with me for basically the same reason: monogamy. Slowly I started hating it and the people who preached it as the only right way of partnership.
About a year after the break-up we had sex one more time. I later found out that she had a boyfriend at that time, but broke up with him the day before we had sex and renewed the relationship one day after the fact. In her mind our having sex was OK, because she was not in a monogamous relationship at that time. Her poor boyfriend was left none the wiser and confused why she broke up with him and later got back together. This further decreased my respect towards people practicing regular monogamous relationships. I felt more and more that most of these relationships are not based on love, but on fear, possessiveness and hypocrisy.
During the next several years I had several romantic relationships, most of them ending because the girl found somebody else and was committed to having a monogamous relationship with that person. I was growing more and more frustrated by the fact that these relationship were ending not because our mutual feelings towards each other have changed, but because the new relationship was monogamous and exclusive.
When trying to talk about my views with other people I have mostly encountered outright dismissal, often coupled with angry accusations of immorality and selfishness. Some people gave me a friendly dismissal, something along the lines of "that is very interesting but I can't imagine myself living like that". A precious few talked the talk and I believed that I finally found someone to at least share my ideas with - only to see them break up with their partners in fits of jealousy later. I felt utterly alone in this.
When I was 21 I met my current girlfriend. We clicked immediately and have been together ever since. I truly feel that she is my soul mate and I love her very much.
At first I tried to force my beliefs concerning polyamory on her. I was being an arrogant know-it-all about it, thinking that other people who don't think like me are misguided and just haven't figured it out yet. This obviously didn't work as I wanted it to. After lots of crying and arguments I finally made a promise that we would have a monogamous relationship. I made this promise with every intention of keeping it and that is exactly why it hurt so much. It felt like a part of me died.
Several years passed without a change until my girlfriend read a fiction book centered around swingers and polyamory. She opened up the debate again, we registered an account on a local website and went to a swingers party. We just watched and talked with some people but didn't participate. There never was a follow-up to this adventure, but it gave me hope that maybe one day things will change for the better for me.
Then there was the situation with my girlfriends sister. The girls are used to sleeping in one bed together so when she would stay overnight at our place we would all sleep in one bed together. One morning while the three of us were still in bed together I woke up with a morning erection and somehow my girlfriends sister ended up giving me a blowjob, while my girlfriend was watching. This initiated a relationship which lasted for about a year or so, where I would have sex with my girlfriends sister while my girlfriend was watching. This is how I found out that my girlfriend really is a voyeur - she likes to watch other people having sex. I was thinking that we are getting closer to realizing a true polyamorous relationship, all that was left to do would be to overcome her personal moral dilemmas and insecurities. My girlfriend can be very attached and needy and often expresses fear of me leaving her - both of us can trace this to her childhood but I won't get into that here.
Of course once my girlfriends sister found a boyfriend, our "special" relationship ended. I wasn't even surprised anymore. This was about 5 years ago. It has been pretty much downhill for me ever since.
I wasn't able to become sexually involved with anyone else, because all the girls kept rejecting me due to the fact that I already have a girlfriend. I was getting a lot of hate from them just for trying.
Finally, last year I gave in to the temptation and side-stepped my principles of honesty. I was flirting with a girl I met in a pub and didn't tell her about my girlfriend. We ended up having sex and after the fact I DID tell her about my girlfriend. She was shocked and it was a very difficult situation for both of us. Even more difficult was coming home that morning and telling my girlfriend about what had happened. Eventually she forgave me for what I have done. The real problem started when she found out (she does have a habit of going through my phone, facebook etc.) that I am still in contact with this girl and she keeps saying how wonderful the sex was and that she would want to repeat it and perhaps she wouldn't even mind being my "secondary partner". This is when SHTF because as it turns out my girlfriend is way more OK with sexual infidelity than she is with emotional infidelity. In other words she might be able to deal with me having sex with other women, but can't stand the idea of me having feelings with those women. To me it doesn't even matter, because I find that sharing the intimacy of sex I can't help but develop feelings for the other person and anyway I'm seldom attracted to girls I can't have a decent talk with.
Since we just went on holiday with my girlfriend and this situation was completely ruining our vacation, one day after she went through my facebook messages again and found something she didn't like I snapped and sent a message to the girl saying that I was only using her for sex and that I am now in a happy monogamous relationship and don't want to see her ever again. "There, are you happy now?" I said to my girlfriend. It did help her it seems, but I have hated myself for how I lied and hurt the feelings of this girl ever since
I told my girlfriend that I give up. I have tried and tried for 12 years to make a polyamorous life happen for me and I have encountered so much hate, dismissal, failure and frustration that it became too much for me to try any further. I told her that while I can't change my feelings about the subject I will now willingly choose the alternative way of suffering: keeping my feelings to myself, not acting on them, not even speaking about them.
So today I feel like shit. My dream of having a life filled with unconditional love, untainted by jealousy, possessiveness and frustrated desires is dead. All that is left is sadness and rage. When I see a pretty girl walk by I am overwhelmed by these feelings. I can't bear to be in the presence of other women any more because of this. When people start talking about relationships and monogamy I leave the room. I used to enjoy debating them. Now I can't stand the thought anymore. It is making me feel miserable and I feel like I'm slipping into states of depression. I have no more hope that it will ever get better. The only other options I see are either breaking up with her, or deceiving her and doing what I wanted to do anyway. Both options seem horrible to me. So here I am, left feeling completely helpless and clueless. I don't want to live like this but I don't know what to do...
So this is my story for what it's worth. Any sort of feedback or advice is much appreciated!
I am a 28 year old heterosexual male who has been in a monogamous relationship for 8 years.
I have always felt that polyamory is my preferred lifestyle but so far I have been unable to live it and have found close to no support or understanding for my opinions. I have come here to seek advice and some understanding.
But first a bit of background. Please forgive me if it turns out to be long.
I was 16 years old when I first had a relationship with a girl. It was the first one for both of us. After just one week or so after we got together I went on a school-trip for a week. On the first night I encountered another girl and towards the end of the night we found ourselves alone in a room and started kissing. Immediately I told her that I had a girlfriend and that was the end of it. This was the precise moment when I fully realized that monogamy is not for me. Why would I abort this sharing of intimacy just because there is another person I love? How does this addition of pleasure diminish our relationship? That's what I kept thinking.
The relationship with my girlfriend lasted for 2 years. After that we broke up, because she felt that she doesn't want me to be the only man she's ever been with. Obviously I supported her freedom to become involved with other people. Actually I might have been even pushing her into that direction, because I felt that by trying it out she would realize that polyamory is OK and thus be fine with myself being involved with other people as well. This didn't work out, because she said that while she wanted to see other people as well, she couldn't imagine doing it while still being in a relationship with me - so we broke up. This was the first of what was to become a long series of girls breaking up with me for basically the same reason: monogamy. Slowly I started hating it and the people who preached it as the only right way of partnership.
About a year after the break-up we had sex one more time. I later found out that she had a boyfriend at that time, but broke up with him the day before we had sex and renewed the relationship one day after the fact. In her mind our having sex was OK, because she was not in a monogamous relationship at that time. Her poor boyfriend was left none the wiser and confused why she broke up with him and later got back together. This further decreased my respect towards people practicing regular monogamous relationships. I felt more and more that most of these relationships are not based on love, but on fear, possessiveness and hypocrisy.
During the next several years I had several romantic relationships, most of them ending because the girl found somebody else and was committed to having a monogamous relationship with that person. I was growing more and more frustrated by the fact that these relationship were ending not because our mutual feelings towards each other have changed, but because the new relationship was monogamous and exclusive.
When trying to talk about my views with other people I have mostly encountered outright dismissal, often coupled with angry accusations of immorality and selfishness. Some people gave me a friendly dismissal, something along the lines of "that is very interesting but I can't imagine myself living like that". A precious few talked the talk and I believed that I finally found someone to at least share my ideas with - only to see them break up with their partners in fits of jealousy later. I felt utterly alone in this.
When I was 21 I met my current girlfriend. We clicked immediately and have been together ever since. I truly feel that she is my soul mate and I love her very much.
At first I tried to force my beliefs concerning polyamory on her. I was being an arrogant know-it-all about it, thinking that other people who don't think like me are misguided and just haven't figured it out yet. This obviously didn't work as I wanted it to. After lots of crying and arguments I finally made a promise that we would have a monogamous relationship. I made this promise with every intention of keeping it and that is exactly why it hurt so much. It felt like a part of me died.
Several years passed without a change until my girlfriend read a fiction book centered around swingers and polyamory. She opened up the debate again, we registered an account on a local website and went to a swingers party. We just watched and talked with some people but didn't participate. There never was a follow-up to this adventure, but it gave me hope that maybe one day things will change for the better for me.
Then there was the situation with my girlfriends sister. The girls are used to sleeping in one bed together so when she would stay overnight at our place we would all sleep in one bed together. One morning while the three of us were still in bed together I woke up with a morning erection and somehow my girlfriends sister ended up giving me a blowjob, while my girlfriend was watching. This initiated a relationship which lasted for about a year or so, where I would have sex with my girlfriends sister while my girlfriend was watching. This is how I found out that my girlfriend really is a voyeur - she likes to watch other people having sex. I was thinking that we are getting closer to realizing a true polyamorous relationship, all that was left to do would be to overcome her personal moral dilemmas and insecurities. My girlfriend can be very attached and needy and often expresses fear of me leaving her - both of us can trace this to her childhood but I won't get into that here.
Of course once my girlfriends sister found a boyfriend, our "special" relationship ended. I wasn't even surprised anymore. This was about 5 years ago. It has been pretty much downhill for me ever since.
I wasn't able to become sexually involved with anyone else, because all the girls kept rejecting me due to the fact that I already have a girlfriend. I was getting a lot of hate from them just for trying.
Finally, last year I gave in to the temptation and side-stepped my principles of honesty. I was flirting with a girl I met in a pub and didn't tell her about my girlfriend. We ended up having sex and after the fact I DID tell her about my girlfriend. She was shocked and it was a very difficult situation for both of us. Even more difficult was coming home that morning and telling my girlfriend about what had happened. Eventually she forgave me for what I have done. The real problem started when she found out (she does have a habit of going through my phone, facebook etc.) that I am still in contact with this girl and she keeps saying how wonderful the sex was and that she would want to repeat it and perhaps she wouldn't even mind being my "secondary partner". This is when SHTF because as it turns out my girlfriend is way more OK with sexual infidelity than she is with emotional infidelity. In other words she might be able to deal with me having sex with other women, but can't stand the idea of me having feelings with those women. To me it doesn't even matter, because I find that sharing the intimacy of sex I can't help but develop feelings for the other person and anyway I'm seldom attracted to girls I can't have a decent talk with.
Since we just went on holiday with my girlfriend and this situation was completely ruining our vacation, one day after she went through my facebook messages again and found something she didn't like I snapped and sent a message to the girl saying that I was only using her for sex and that I am now in a happy monogamous relationship and don't want to see her ever again. "There, are you happy now?" I said to my girlfriend. It did help her it seems, but I have hated myself for how I lied and hurt the feelings of this girl ever since
I told my girlfriend that I give up. I have tried and tried for 12 years to make a polyamorous life happen for me and I have encountered so much hate, dismissal, failure and frustration that it became too much for me to try any further. I told her that while I can't change my feelings about the subject I will now willingly choose the alternative way of suffering: keeping my feelings to myself, not acting on them, not even speaking about them.
So today I feel like shit. My dream of having a life filled with unconditional love, untainted by jealousy, possessiveness and frustrated desires is dead. All that is left is sadness and rage. When I see a pretty girl walk by I am overwhelmed by these feelings. I can't bear to be in the presence of other women any more because of this. When people start talking about relationships and monogamy I leave the room. I used to enjoy debating them. Now I can't stand the thought anymore. It is making me feel miserable and I feel like I'm slipping into states of depression. I have no more hope that it will ever get better. The only other options I see are either breaking up with her, or deceiving her and doing what I wanted to do anyway. Both options seem horrible to me. So here I am, left feeling completely helpless and clueless. I don't want to live like this but I don't know what to do...
So this is my story for what it's worth. Any sort of feedback or advice is much appreciated!