Struggling with monogamy

whynot

New member
Hello everyone!

I am a 28 year old heterosexual male who has been in a monogamous relationship for 8 years.

I have always felt that polyamory is my preferred lifestyle but so far I have been unable to live it and have found close to no support or understanding for my opinions. I have come here to seek advice and some understanding.

But first a bit of background. Please forgive me if it turns out to be long.

I was 16 years old when I first had a relationship with a girl. It was the first one for both of us. After just one week or so after we got together I went on a school-trip for a week. On the first night I encountered another girl and towards the end of the night we found ourselves alone in a room and started kissing. Immediately I told her that I had a girlfriend and that was the end of it. This was the precise moment when I fully realized that monogamy is not for me. Why would I abort this sharing of intimacy just because there is another person I love? How does this addition of pleasure diminish our relationship? That's what I kept thinking.

The relationship with my girlfriend lasted for 2 years. After that we broke up, because she felt that she doesn't want me to be the only man she's ever been with. Obviously I supported her freedom to become involved with other people. Actually I might have been even pushing her into that direction, because I felt that by trying it out she would realize that polyamory is OK and thus be fine with myself being involved with other people as well. This didn't work out, because she said that while she wanted to see other people as well, she couldn't imagine doing it while still being in a relationship with me - so we broke up. This was the first of what was to become a long series of girls breaking up with me for basically the same reason: monogamy. Slowly I started hating it and the people who preached it as the only right way of partnership.

About a year after the break-up we had sex one more time. I later found out that she had a boyfriend at that time, but broke up with him the day before we had sex and renewed the relationship one day after the fact. In her mind our having sex was OK, because she was not in a monogamous relationship at that time. Her poor boyfriend was left none the wiser and confused why she broke up with him and later got back together. This further decreased my respect towards people practicing regular monogamous relationships. I felt more and more that most of these relationships are not based on love, but on fear, possessiveness and hypocrisy.

During the next several years I had several romantic relationships, most of them ending because the girl found somebody else and was committed to having a monogamous relationship with that person. I was growing more and more frustrated by the fact that these relationship were ending not because our mutual feelings towards each other have changed, but because the new relationship was monogamous and exclusive.

When trying to talk about my views with other people I have mostly encountered outright dismissal, often coupled with angry accusations of immorality and selfishness. Some people gave me a friendly dismissal, something along the lines of "that is very interesting but I can't imagine myself living like that". A precious few talked the talk and I believed that I finally found someone to at least share my ideas with - only to see them break up with their partners in fits of jealousy later. I felt utterly alone in this.

When I was 21 I met my current girlfriend. We clicked immediately and have been together ever since. I truly feel that she is my soul mate and I love her very much.

At first I tried to force my beliefs concerning polyamory on her. I was being an arrogant know-it-all about it, thinking that other people who don't think like me are misguided and just haven't figured it out yet. This obviously didn't work as I wanted it to. After lots of crying and arguments I finally made a promise that we would have a monogamous relationship. I made this promise with every intention of keeping it and that is exactly why it hurt so much. It felt like a part of me died.

Several years passed without a change until my girlfriend read a fiction book centered around swingers and polyamory. She opened up the debate again, we registered an account on a local website and went to a swingers party. We just watched and talked with some people but didn't participate. There never was a follow-up to this adventure, but it gave me hope that maybe one day things will change for the better for me.

Then there was the situation with my girlfriends sister. The girls are used to sleeping in one bed together so when she would stay overnight at our place we would all sleep in one bed together. One morning while the three of us were still in bed together I woke up with a morning erection and somehow my girlfriends sister ended up giving me a blowjob, while my girlfriend was watching. This initiated a relationship which lasted for about a year or so, where I would have sex with my girlfriends sister while my girlfriend was watching. This is how I found out that my girlfriend really is a voyeur - she likes to watch other people having sex. I was thinking that we are getting closer to realizing a true polyamorous relationship, all that was left to do would be to overcome her personal moral dilemmas and insecurities. My girlfriend can be very attached and needy and often expresses fear of me leaving her - both of us can trace this to her childhood but I won't get into that here.

Of course once my girlfriends sister found a boyfriend, our "special" relationship ended. I wasn't even surprised anymore. This was about 5 years ago. It has been pretty much downhill for me ever since.

I wasn't able to become sexually involved with anyone else, because all the girls kept rejecting me due to the fact that I already have a girlfriend. I was getting a lot of hate from them just for trying.

Finally, last year I gave in to the temptation and side-stepped my principles of honesty. I was flirting with a girl I met in a pub and didn't tell her about my girlfriend. We ended up having sex and after the fact I DID tell her about my girlfriend. She was shocked and it was a very difficult situation for both of us. Even more difficult was coming home that morning and telling my girlfriend about what had happened. Eventually she forgave me for what I have done. The real problem started when she found out (she does have a habit of going through my phone, facebook etc.) that I am still in contact with this girl and she keeps saying how wonderful the sex was and that she would want to repeat it and perhaps she wouldn't even mind being my "secondary partner". This is when SHTF because as it turns out my girlfriend is way more OK with sexual infidelity than she is with emotional infidelity. In other words she might be able to deal with me having sex with other women, but can't stand the idea of me having feelings with those women. To me it doesn't even matter, because I find that sharing the intimacy of sex I can't help but develop feelings for the other person and anyway I'm seldom attracted to girls I can't have a decent talk with.

Since we just went on holiday with my girlfriend and this situation was completely ruining our vacation, one day after she went through my facebook messages again and found something she didn't like I snapped and sent a message to the girl saying that I was only using her for sex and that I am now in a happy monogamous relationship and don't want to see her ever again. "There, are you happy now?" I said to my girlfriend. It did help her it seems, but I have hated myself for how I lied and hurt the feelings of this girl ever since :(

I told my girlfriend that I give up. I have tried and tried for 12 years to make a polyamorous life happen for me and I have encountered so much hate, dismissal, failure and frustration that it became too much for me to try any further. I told her that while I can't change my feelings about the subject I will now willingly choose the alternative way of suffering: keeping my feelings to myself, not acting on them, not even speaking about them.

So today I feel like shit. My dream of having a life filled with unconditional love, untainted by jealousy, possessiveness and frustrated desires is dead. All that is left is sadness and rage. When I see a pretty girl walk by I am overwhelmed by these feelings. I can't bear to be in the presence of other women any more because of this. When people start talking about relationships and monogamy I leave the room. I used to enjoy debating them. Now I can't stand the thought anymore. It is making me feel miserable and I feel like I'm slipping into states of depression. I have no more hope that it will ever get better. The only other options I see are either breaking up with her, or deceiving her and doing what I wanted to do anyway. Both options seem horrible to me. So here I am, left feeling completely helpless and clueless. I don't want to live like this but I don't know what to do...

So this is my story for what it's worth. Any sort of feedback or advice is much appreciated!
 
Well it doesn't sound like your current method of coping and trying to be monogamous is serving you well. You should try something different, that's what I would recommend.

Instead of breaking up with your girlfriend, or deceiving her, I would be honest. Tell her everything you've written here, and that you just cannot function monogamously. You are going to continue to search out other partners. If she is unable to be ok with this, then that is a deal breaker on her end and you are incompatible.

It sounds like that maybe attending more play parties, where you can participate as she watches, may help to bridge the gap and get her more comfortable with things. I would ask outright. Again, if she can't see that she will ever be open enough to change her mind, I would recommend moving on.
 
I have found that some people just spring it on their mate or get fed up and give an immediate ultimatum. I would tell her that you are going to start practicing an open relationship soon. Say that you still want her on that journey. Ask her how you can make her more comfortable with the situation. Give her a month or two to discuss it with you but be firm that it is going to happen. What is another 45 days if you have been together so long?
If your relationship fails, at least you gave it a legitimate effort.
 
On reading your story, it strikes me that you are not so much frustrated with your girlfriend as with the whole of society. This comment

I wasn't able to become sexually involved with anyone else, because all the girls kept rejecting me due to the fact that I already have a girlfriend. I was getting a lot of hate from them just for trying

reads as though your girlfriend was okay with you finding other lovers. It's just that you couldn't find anybody who was willing to have that role in your life because you already have a girlfriend.

I think that sadly, that is often the reality. Fewer people are open to being in poly relationships than to being in mono relationships. I'd guess your age right now is against you too - late 20s into 30s, in my experience, is when lots of people think about getting married and having children. I think that makes the pool of people even smaller (I'd guess some of those folk might be more open to poly when they are done with child rearing).

What I think is really sad about your situation is that you chose to lie to a girl so that you could have sex with her and I'm assuming, continue to lie to her for some time afterwards?

This comment:
I am now in a happy monogamous relationship and don't want to see her ever again
reads as if the new girl wasn't aware that you were in a happy monogamous relationship until you gave her that information even though to your girlfriend, that was always the situation in her eyes.

If I was the new girl, I'd have felt deceived.

You also lied to your girlfriend by maintaining a contact that she knew nothing about. I have no problems with my partner developing emotional connections with new people. He does it regularly. I'd have a big problem if he was lying to me about it and hiding things from me.

I think you really fucked up and from what you wrote, it sounds like it has nothing to do with your girlfriend's attitude toward poly and everything to do with impatience toward the world and a sense of entitlement about deserving the sort of relationship you want.

In your shoes I would be spending all the time I could to rebuild broken trust with my existing partner. Then, maybe in years to come, once that had happened, I might look for a social group that included people who are friendly towards poly lifestyles and see where that went.

Or - if I felt unable to spend the time and energy rebuilding trust and felt I might resent my existing partner, I would, as gently as possible, end things with them and allow them to get on with life as they want to live it while I did the same.

IP
 
Thank you very much for your input people!

I have found that some people just spring it on their mate or get fed up and give an immediate ultimatum. I would tell her that you are going to start practicing an open relationship soon.

I tried doing something like this towards the start of our relationship. It ended with me being faced with the decision between breaking up with her or accommodating her desires of monogamy. I chose the latter because I love her...



On reading your story, it strikes me that you are not so much frustrated with your girlfriend as with the whole of society.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head here! Yes, I am angry at society...because of a lot of things actually, but in this case it's for making me feel like my approach is simply unacceptable and actively persecuting me via social ostracism for it.

Overall you made a very insightful post and I am happy that you gave me lots of things to think about. This is in spite of the fact that I seem to have expressed the story not quite clearly in several instances:

This comment



reads as though your girlfriend was okay with you finding other lovers.

Not quite. We talked A LOT about all this. Yet this has never been absolutely clear. She could mostly tolerate that I would think and feel this way as well as me talking to other girls. Having other sexual partners was always something in a state of "perhaps, maybe, one day if the conditions are right..." so I kept waiting. When talking to other girls I would bring up that I have a girlfriend and in case they would be OK with that (they never were) I would talk to my girlfriend to basically ask for permission - it never went this far.

I regard the conscious withholding and distortion of information as the biggest sin. That is why I feel bad about myself for breaking my principle of open, honest communication. But I think you misunderstood some parts of the story here.

What I think is really sad about your situation is that you chose to lie to a girl so that you could have sex with her and I'm assuming, continue to lie to her for some time afterwards?

This comment:

reads as if the new girl wasn't aware that you were in a happy monogamous relationship until you gave her that information even though to your girlfriend, that was always the situation in her eyes.

If I was the new girl, I'd have felt deceived.

You also lied to your girlfriend by maintaining a contact that she knew nothing about.

I did lie (by omission) when first encountering this girl I ended up having sex with by not mentioning that I have a girlfriend. This was born out of frustration over the results of previous situations when I did openly mention it. Now having witnessed the effects of this decision I don't want to do that ever again!

But that was the full extent of my lie. After the sex I told the girl about my girlfriend (what a coward!) and after coming home I immediately told my girlfriend. After this I kept in contact with the girl but I wasn't hiding anything from my girlfriend. I told her how I feel - which she knows anyway because we have debated this subject to death and there were no more secrets.

There was another lie - towards the girl. When I told her that "I am in happy monogamous relationship, wanted her only for sex and don't want to see her again" - all of that was a lie. I would like to see her again, I wanted her for me than sex (I find her to be a very interesting person) and while I indeed am in a monogamous relationship I am not happy with it. I made the lie in order to appease my girlfriend and like I mentioned I feel very bad about it whenever I remember it...

I think you really fucked up and from what you wrote, it sounds like it has nothing to do with your girlfriend's attitude toward poly and everything to do with impatience toward the world and a sense of entitlement about deserving the sort of relationship you want.

You are showing a lot of insight, thank you for taking time to produce such a helpful reply. Yes I have gotten impatient with the world and fucked up because of that impatience. Besides, in the past I could be a real prick about this, berating people, making fun of their lifestyle choices and trying to force my own views on them. A defense mechanism of sorts I guess. Maybe this is just my karma for having been such a jerk about it earlier in my life.

I had to think long and hard about what you said about a sense of entitlement. I came to the conclusion that I don't feel that I'm entitled to much. Here's what I want(ed):

For a long time I have felt that the one thing I can offer to the world and society are my ideas and my ability to express them clearly. I thought of my ideas of freedom, honesty, tolerance and unconditional love as the best thing I could give and tried to work towards making my life an example in living these ideas. What I have found is only rejection and with polyamory being such a integral part of my personality it always felt like a rejection of me as a person. I offered my most precious ideas and feelings only to have them thrown to the ground, stamped on and spit on.

I felt like the guy who has been brought up by zen-buddhist like martians in Robert Heinleins "Stranger in a strange land". Having grown up among asexual beings, encountering sex for the first time he was shocked and in awe by our behavior towards it. We forbid other people to fulfill their desires in ways we don't approve of and call that "love". We are often ready to sacrifice years long relationships over the idea, sometimes even kill.

"How can love make this world a minefield of forbidden ground? A map of untouchable skin and silenced desire?"

I just couldn't understand it without resorting to explanations based on fear, hypocrisy and possessiveness.

Perhaps the saddest thing of all is that it has all but killed my desire to communicate. I used to think I could become a writer, spend my time traveling the world, exploring and sharing ideas with people. I would get complimented on my ability to put complex concepts into words succinctly which would motivate me to read, write and talk more.
But last summer I decided that nobody seems to be interested in my "gifts" so I might as well not keep forcing them on people. I lost the will to communicate. And quite a bit of my ability to do so, as well it seems. Now when there is a discussion of some sorts going on I find myself struggling for words and asking myself why bother explaining my fringe ideas if no one wants to really hear them anyway. I had to struggle to write all of this.

What has kept me going for this long is the idea that my girlfriend would enjoy this life style, too - eventually. The episode with her sister and some other situations we've been in convinced me that she would like to live more freely and with less fear but a very very big factor for her is the question of what other people think/say about her. So far she hasn't been able to get past this.

I can't even decide what point my ranting has anymore...so I guess I'm going to stop now.

But thank you all SO much for providing me with feedback and giving me some interesting things to think about.
 
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This is going to be blunt, but I don't mean it to sound harsh, ok?

The problem is not monogamy, or wider society not being open-minded enough. The problem is that you are looking for bread in a hardware store, instead of in a bakery.

If you want a polyamorous relationship, you need to find people who are open to and accepting of that kind of relationship structure. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend fits that criteria, and so no matter how much you love her and she loves you, that side of things will always be in conflict between you. You say you think she could be happy in a poly relationship if she weren't so worried about what others would think. I'm sorry. You don't get to make that call. Only she does. There's nothing better, more compelling, or more logical about polyamory compared to monogamy. It's just about what fits each individual best. I don't think you could or should be trying to persuade her to change her mind - all you can do is explain how you feel, and offer her resources to make an informed decision for herself.

Which you have done.

It's been 8 years now of you having laid all your cards on the table, and stating your preferences. It's been 8 years of her doing the same. If I were in your shoes, I would part from her with love and start looking for a relationship that better fits me and my goals in life, because this isn't working out for either of you. I don't envy your position, but to me the only ethical thing to do in this situation is to stay true to yourself and accept that that may well involve walking away from a woman you love because you're just not compatible. If one of you really wanted kids, and the other adamantly did not, would you have the same dilemma? Or would you feel better to let the other pursue their goal with someone else, whilst you cheer them on from the sidelines as a friend? It's not selfish to break up with someone over an incompatibility like this. It doesn't mean your relationship failed.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Let me sum up so I know I got it all. You correct me if I am wrong, ok? I will also give you feedback. I hope it encourages you to start flying true to your values/beliefs. You seem to have been flying wonky a long time. :(

PAST

From 16-21 you had various adolescent relationships that folded because the kids believed they were supposed to date exclusively, one person at a time. They did not know how to run a polyship or did not want to be in a polyship, or found it stressy. Sounds about right for the age to me.

Rather than accept it as partner ability, preferences? Or stick with your own preferences of dating nonexclusively instead of promising stuff you do not want? You blamed monogamy. Also sounds about right for the age...you were teen yourself. Not an excuse for poor behavior, just common enough reason for poor behavior/judgement at that age.

At 21 you met the current GF and were arrogant about your preference for poly. Sounds about right for the age. Brain development continues in second adolescence up to about age 25.

Rather than you breaking up with her at that point because you guys are not compatible? You chose monogamy again despite knowing from teen dating that it does not fit you. This seems to lack respect for your own preferences/abilities.

You had a short sex fling with her sister and your GF voyeuring that eventually ends.

PRESENT

You cheat on the GF at 29. And do not tell the cheating affair partner you have a GF. So she cannot give full consent before sex. You basically snow her too.

Your GF gets mad you still communicate with the cheating affair partner. You treat the cheating affair partner mean just to please the GF.

Both of these are conscious choices as an ADULT, not as a kid still developing. I wonder if you blame the gf for keeping you from poly rather than owning it is you keeping you from poly?

Rather than apologize to both women and bow out to work on yourself? And because (monoship) is not (poly) and (cheating affair) is not (poly)?

  • You complain the gf is mono and might be ok with polysexual but not polyamorous. That she has a problem with polyamory--loving more than one. In your own conduct, what is loving behavior here about you cheating/being mean to people you are involved with? You seem to know this is wrong and hate yourself for lying and being mean. How do you practice loving yourself if you keep doing things you do not like (mono) or things you cannot be proud of? (Lies, mean)
  • You decide to give up poly (which you have yet to do ethically), and stay in a mono thing with the GF which makes you super unhappy. I wonder if this is supposed to be you punishing you to assuage your guilt over the affair? I also wonder if you are agreeing to mono because you think that it is better than being alone?

SUGGESTION

I see a lot of places where you do not stand up for your beliefs, practice your beliefs, and places where ethics/honesty were not in place. You talk like you want to poly, but do not walk like you want to poly in your actual practices. You behave in ways that are not self loving, and then feel "dead." :(

You are not behaving like a solid poly partner at this time. You are not behaving like a solid mono partner either. You are behaving in ways that go against your grain. Could stop.

If your true want is to practice ethical polyamory? Feel less "dead?" Seems to me it would be more uplifting, more honest with yourself, and more in line with your values/beliefs to apologize to both women, end it with both women, and take a time out to work on yourself. Get back in sync with your values, your ethics and become more fit. Cultivate more integrity. Talk your talk and walk your walk. Choose to behave in ways you can feel proud of.

Once more fit? Could move on to poly date, and from now on could NOT make promises you cannot keep. Could say "No. I cannot promise monogamy. I practice polyamory. I value ____. I believe ______." Could practice informed consent.

Could see if that new way of going could serve you better.

Galagirl
 
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Yes, GG speaks the truth and lays it all out.

I will add, I am sorry in all your life you have never found a partner who is truly polyamorous herself.

I have been practicing polyamory since 2008 and have found no shortage of polyamorous, or at least, poly friendly people. I search for people on OK Cupid, a free dating site. There you can fill in your essays and answer their Q&As to describe yourself as non-mono. Other people who are similar to you will turn up as high percentage matches. I search for people who are 85% matches or more. Occasionally someone with a lower match will end up working out well, though.

Many women, as a previous poster said, in your age bracket, are looking for marriage, stability, breeding. If you are not interested in those, how about opening up to older women? Many older women, single, divorced, or still married, straight or bi, are independent financially, done with child-bearing, have kids who are older, or are child free, and still want love and connection, sex, but don't want a man to live with necessarily, or a man to support them while they are pregnant, or newly delivered, breastfeeding, and caring for very young children.

Older women are often more confident, self aware, and as a bonus, have more sexual experience and skills! They can be much more open minded to trying all sorts of sexual activities.

Older women and younger men make great matches! I'm 59 and I have plenty of experience with this. I have had a nice amount of pleasant fond relationships with men in their 20s and 30s.
 
For a long time I have felt that the one thing I can offer to the world and society are my ideas and my ability to express them clearly. I thought of my ideas of freedom, honesty, tolerance and unconditional love as the best thing I could give and tried to work towards making my life an example in living these ideas.
...
Perhaps the saddest thing of all is that it has all but killed my desire to communicate. I used to think I could become a writer, spend my time traveling the world, exploring and sharing ideas with people. I would get complimented on my ability to put complex concepts into words succinctly which would motivate me to read, write and talk more.
But last summer I decided that nobody seems to be interested in my "gifts" so I might as well not keep forcing them on people. I lost the will to communicate. And quite a bit of my ability to do so, as well it seems. Now when there is a discussion of some sorts going on I find myself struggling for words and asking myself why bother explaining my fringe ideas if no one wants to really hear them anyway. I had to struggle to write all of this.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm totally new to this site and even the idea of polyamory, so you're definitely a few steps ahead of me.

So, I can't really add any polyamory advice, but I wanted to complement you on your writing style that is both clear and holds a bit of entertainment value too. Don't let your inability to convince someone to be honest, open, and selfful as a reflection of your own skills of persuasion. I tend to agree with tenK, that perhaps you're looking for someone to be something they are not, and that's usually just not possible, no matter how convincing you might be.
 
Hi whynot,

I hear you when you say that all your life people have put you down for having poly ideals. You haven't been able to find anyone who would date a poly-inclined person such as yourself.

I'm here to assure you that a poly support system does exist out there, and that there are people who will support you in your poly ideals. You will see that as you continue to interact with people on this forum.

Depending on where you live, there may be a local poly group that you can meet with (perhaps once a month). Do you live in or near a large city? Would you be willing to move to a city that has a reputation for being poly friendly? There's a thread addressing that subject: See http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=265812#post265812

As for finding a local poly group, here are some resources:

Also you can google "polyamory" with the name of your State or nearest major city. See what turns up.

I have also heard it said,
"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

And even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

I know you feel like giving up, but I would encourage you not to do that. Even if it takes you 50 years to find a poly partner, at least you're being true to yourself. And you can't be true to anyone else if you can't be true to yourself.

Not that I think it'll take you 50 years to find a poly partner. But you may have to approach things from a novel angle, in a way you're not used to or had never thought of. The first thing you'll probably have to do is break up with your girlfriend. I know that's not what you want to hear. :(

Consider registering on a poly-friendly dating site. The ones I've heard of are:

They're not all a perfect fit for poly but I've heard success stories from them. This is especially true of OKCupid. It takes some patience and some learning by trial and error, but your OKC experience could be the thing you've been waiting for all your life.

No matter what, you can be sure that you'll never be happy in life if you don't live true to your principles and ideals. Polyamory is near and dear to your heart. You can't just rip it away and expect to forget about it. It will haunt you the rest of your days, and rob you of the happiness you deserve.

Yes, society has tried to beat its monogamous obsession into your brain. It has beat and beat and beat you until you finally curled up in a ball and surrendered. Well, I'm here to tell you that you must not surrender. No matter how many times you have tried, you must try again. Try one new approach after another. Do it for the rest of your life if you have to. It's the only way you'll have any peace of mind.

I think there's hope out there for you. I know that there is a strong and vibrant poly populace in this world. I think you've had a long string of bad luck, and not met any of the poly people. Well, now you're a member on Polyamory.com, and you can see that the poly people do exist. We are here to support you in your ideals and dreams.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Wow! Thank you so much everyone for your replies and advice. I never knew how...refreshing it would be to engage in a discussion with people who won't immediately berate my opinions and even have so many helpful things to say!

The amount of relevant things I have read here is overwhelming to me I think I need a couple of days to digest all of this so I can respond properly. I still have many questions in my head.

Meanwhile thanks again to everyone who contributed with words of advice and encouragement. Your words have brought tears to my eyes and made me feel less alone and I feel very grateful.
 
What I have found is only rejection and with polyamory being such a integral part of my personality it always felt like a rejection of me as a person. I offered my most precious ideas and feelings only to have them thrown to the ground, stamped on and spit on.

I think that it's important to be careful with talking about such important things with hostile audiences when you have no support group around you.

It seems to me that you have lots of choices to make. Do you stay in your current relationship and try to rebuild trust with your girlfriend? That may take years and even then she may never wish to be poly.

Or do you as kindly as is possible, let that relationship go and set out to find the life that you feel you want? Again - frightening. Starts with a loss and there is no guarantee of happiness there.

I see poly as one of a number of good relationship structures. It's not one that I feel is appropriate in my life right now. For me, monogamy makes more sense at the moment. I don't see it as part of my personality so I feel no pain or loss as a result of this choice.

There are things in my life that I do that fall well outside the norm and that I do feel are much more part of my personality. Wishing to remain child free is one of those things. The vast majority of people who I know don't get it. They either want children and can't have them or they have them or they plan on having them in the future. Almost everybody assumes that reproducing is desirable and that it is okay to tell people who don't want children that they will live selfish lives that will end with them being alone and miserable.

I have never chosen to have children just to fit in with everybody else or because I've met a partner who wants children. Somebody wanting or having small children already is one of the things that would prevent me from getting into a relationship with them in the first place. I talk about it with people when I very first meet them so I tend to know their attitudes. I very often mention up front that an accidental pregnancy would result in me having an abortion.

I have also built a group of friends who also don't have children and don't want them. So then I don't feel isolated and upset when folk who are trying to help me out tell me that I'll end up alone and miserable and will probably die alone and be eaten by my dog.

It means that I feel secure in my life and my choices. I don't feel shut down or depressed when most of the world doesn't agree with me. They don't have to. I know that my perspective has been helpful to people who are feeling pushed into marriage and kids as a goal when they really don't want to. Somebody living an unmarried and child free life happily and at ease with the world that they exist in is a fantastic thing to encounter for anybody considering their options in those areas.

It's easier to build social groups and find like minded people while living the sort of life that feels authentic. I'm guessing I'd find it very difficult to meet and get to know child free people if I was spending all my time rearing children.

You sound as though you have gone from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship while complaining that you don't know any poly folks and that people don't get you. Of course they don't. Most of the world thinks badly of poly. If you are busy building a monogamous life with somebody you won't have the same time, energy and inclination to be meeting people who share your goals and ideals (also monogamous girlfriends are unlikely to be supportive of you building a poly life while in a monogamous relationship with them).

I think it's really scary to be on your own. Especially to be on your own and seeking something that other people think is a very bad idea. Often I think that's what needs to happen if enough space and energy is to be found to build an authentic life.

IP
 
So about a week has passed since I last posted here and I've had time to think things over. Not only that but many things have happened in my life as well!

First of all I want to say that I won't address every point brought up by you wonderful people separately...that would have me typing for hours. But I want you to know that I have read every post several times and I feel very grateful for the input - it really helped me to look at things from a fresh perspective.

I would like to address the recommendation which several people gave me: namely that I should perhaps move on and gently break up with my girlfriend. I don't feel like doing this. There are several reasons. The obvious one is that it is very scary to end a relationship which has lasted this long, especially when it has been so wonderful in every aspect besides this one trouble area. Also my girlfriend is currently financially dependent on me. She is studying at a school which is comparatively expensive and leaves her little to no time to earn money herself. Her single mother couldn't possibly support her and by breaking up with her now I would feel like abandoning a responsibility I have taken upon myself willingly. Besides there are the other things which have happened since I last posted which give me hope for a brighter tomorrow :) I will elaborate now.

First of all I have come to realize that when I made my first post I was mentally at a low point and felt very bleak and hopeless. I have since come to feel better about the situation - the support I have received here played a big part in that. I feel like I don't want to give up and be all depressed about this anymore. I want to move forward with honesty and integrity and see where that leads me.

What happened since I last posted is the following: perhaps a day or two after my last post we were at home with my girlfriend and she was chatting with a friend of hers who currently has a new love affair. The friend was sending nude pictures of herself to her affair and also sent some of them to my girlfriend. She is very attractive and I have fantasized about her ever since I first got to know her - my girlfriend knows about this of course. So when I saw the pictures I got aroused and we ended up having sex with my girlfriend while looking through those pictures and me talking about my fantasies of having a threesome with the two of them. My girlfriend seems to enjoy this sort of talk a lot and often asks me to tell her about my fantasies while we are having sex.

A couple of days after this we went to a BDSM themed party together with some of our friends. There was one girl who started to seduce my girlfriend. They were dancing together, started kissing etc. it was all very exciting and beautiful to watch. The next day my girlfriend asked me to have sex with her and tell her about my fantasies involving the girl from the party. Happily I complied. Then she told me something which I feel has the potential to change my life. She said that she enjoys the way I present my fantasy sexual encounters so much and she thinks that other people would enjoy them, too. She said I should try turning my fantasies into erotic fiction stories.

This was a revelation for me. I love to write but somehow I have never thought of this before. She told me that the situations I lay out are so realistic and well-described that they make her feel as if they are really happening. I started to think about this. Could it be that I have a lively fantasy and great powers of visualization? To a higher extent than is common, perhaps? If so, if this gets coupled with my general philosophy of freedom and distrust of societal moral norms...could this be the major root of my discontent? This (to me) very real split between what goes on in my head and what ends up happening in reality. I then ask myself (and others): why couldn't the content of my (or other peoples for that matter!) fantasies have been realized and usually get answers which are very unsatisfactory to me. I feel like I have hit upon something crucial here.

Another interesting thing about this: when we were talking about erotic fiction in general, she told me that even her most prudish friends admit to enjoying erotic fiction - even though they would never dream of really doing the things which can be found described there. Taboos are laid bare and broken - polysexuality, incest, homosexuality and all sorts of other things which they aren't comfortable with. They seem to enjoy reading about things which they wouldn't want to do in reality, whereas for me it has mostly been the other way around: I don't enjoy reading about them, because I would rather live them out in reality and just reading about them tends to make me sad and bitter that what I am experiencing is fiction rather than reality. Well there's something I can meditate about.

Anyways I wanted to share this update with the community. I want you to know that I feel much better now and I have allowed myself to hope again. Reading the comments here has made me all the more determined to stick with my ideals of truth and honesty. And I may have found a crucial piece of the puzzle which could help me better understand and accept my place in the grand scheme of things. Today is a good day.
 
I'd like to lift up that breaking up isn't the only change that could happen here.

Had you said

"I am not willing to break up at this time.

I want to try to work out a better balanced Closed (mono+ supported poly) relationship shape with my GF at this time.

To manage my stress I am at taking up writing erotica.

To support my neglected poly side I've made an appointment to start seeing a poly counselor and have plans to go meet some poly people at local meetups and make some poly friends"

that would have sounded more well rounded to me.

One of your big things is feeling so isolated like your beliefs are weirdo. (They are not.) Meeting some local poly people to make new friends might help dispel that sense of isolation. Maybe see how other healthy (mono + poly) pairings work too.

There's nothing wrong with writing erotica along the way for stress management. Just saying it could go ALONG WITH taking some direct approaches to solve your need to feel connected with poly world to overcome the isolation.

JMHO.

Galagirl
 
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Re (from whynot):
"Today is a good day."

Well if you're happy, I'm happy. :)

So what's the plan, Stan? Is erotic fiction (a good thing to write I might add) a substitute for poly, or a prelude to poly in your life? If you're satisfied with it as a substitute that's fine by me; I was just curious.

Forbidden fruit is the sweetest as they say, so write that fiction and make many straight-laced (men and) women happy. And I trust whatever decisions you make about how you intend to live your own life.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
As a newbie reading this hit home, I've tried explaining to my now wife my feelings and how much this means to me only to be hit with that she's not sharing.
 
Hi Dazed,

It can take a long time for a monogamous partner to come around, you have to have patience. Not to say that we can promise she'll ever come around ...
 
Hi man you're absolutely right, at the moment I'm trying to keep my love like your signature suggests..meat clever free lol
Thanks for the reply
 
As a newbie reading this hit home, I've tried explaining to my now wife my feelings and how much this means to me only to be hit with that she's not sharing.

Saying you were "hit" with it suggests you were surprised, out of the blue, with a totally random decision on her part.

She may or may not come around. Hopefully, in time, you and she can find something that works for you both; but, acting as if you are on the receiving end of a totally unexpected surprise that you didn't already agree to isn't going to help your communication or your likelihood of her accepting poly. It seems, in fact, that it was the other way around: you "hit" her with wanting to be polygamous.

Coming at your relationship communications from a place of compassion and understanding is likely to have a much better outcome for everyone. Take a step back, breathe, and try returning to the conversation with an understanding that your wife is confused, hurt, and very likely scared.
 
Pushing too hard

I was in a similar situation. I wanted poly, my gf mono.
I have quite a strong opinion on this subject (partners not agreeing on poly for a long time) based on my experience.

To me honest, what you are writing sounds very arrogant to me - as if Poly relationships were morally superior to mono relationships, ... which they aren't.

My ex-girlfriend suffered very much because of my desire for polyamory. We talked about it for YEARS, she didn't change her mind, she cried so much... in hindsight I am sorry that I didn't just leave her. In the end she left me. She sounds somewhat similar to your gf: a little bit needy, independent Etc.
Some people say, it is 100% your gf's decision to stay with you or to leave you, you can do what you want. But in my opinion, we DO have responsibility for our loved ones, especially when we know that they are emotionally not completely stable, independant. She might just stay with you even though she is suffering immensely much, just because she doesn't want to leave you.

Poly is simply not for everyone. Mono people are not "insecure, possessive, jealous" and whatever you call them. I have wonderful friends who have mono relationships that are absolutely happy, just as well as I have friends with great poly relationships.
Of course you could "just start" an open relationship. Let me just tell you that you're completely ignoring your girlfriends needs - she is also ignoring your needs by insisting on a monogamous relationship.
In my opinion you're not compatible.
I don't understand why some poly-minded people push SO hard until they get what they want, no matter how your partner is feeling. Honestly, there are plenty of like-minded people that would happily pursue a poly relationship with you.
Why do you want to make your gf unhappy, desperate and bring her into this situation? She obviously doesn't want poly. I mean, this issue has been going on for years now, as I understood it?

If she is a rather needy, "independent" person and emotionally very attached to you she might just "accept" what you are doing and not break up, even though she is going through hell. That's what happened with my ex-gf and I have honestly hardly ever seen someone so desperate. I would never do that again - trying to "force" someone into a poly relationship. It just sucks and is completely unnecessary.

I say: don't do that to someone you love!
Let her go..
 
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