Struggling with poly/hotwife feelings

[UndercoverPoly]

Hello,

I hope I can post my story here and ask for some advice, as I think this has some poly elements, even though we started in cuckold/hotwife territory. My wife and I have expanded and explored our sexual life over the past few years, trying many new things, which she has enjoyed, from sex toys to other things. We tried sharing her online, which she was open to. She ended up exploring chatting online w bulls before potentially doing anything in real life.

The biggest hangup is, she really needs a connection before opening up sexually. She has spoken about maybe being demisexual, while I lean towards the sexual side of the spectrum with this stuff. This has always scared me. I was scared about her falling in love w someone else, even though we have a strong bond and have been together 16 years.

The first guy was a bust. He overstepped and didn't really meet her optimal parameters. So that fell apart quickly. The second guy was a different story. It has accelerated quickly. She seems almost obsessed, and is chasing him. He didn't message her for a day and she accused me of telling him to stop contact. She has also pushed now for in-person, which she was pretty much against.

He is far away, distance-wise.

She has also told me how he is 100% her type, that they click on every level and how I was outside of what she usually goes for. I expressed this to her. But she calls me insecure or gets a little upset. I know I asked for this, but the emotional side seems to be moving fast. She does whatever he wants.

I'm unsure if I should wait it out or if I'm just being insecure. In a year we are moving close to his area and she's mentioning the chance to see him then. There are other things she's done that surprise me.

Sorry if I'm all over the place; I'm just confused. The physical part is great. It's just the emotional part that scares me.

 

[Bobbi]

There’s so much to unpack here, and others will do a great job of that with you. I’m just going to ask the obvious: has she done any video chat with this guy? Doing everything online means she could be getting catfished. She’s hard in NRE over someone she hasn’t met. For me that’s a heavy red flag. I would hope she checks her feelings and slows down to see if this fantasy guy is even the real deal.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi UndercoverPoly,

It sounds like your wife has steeply moved into the NRE phase of a new relationship with this second guy. This can be alarming for you as you suddenly feel like you're being relegated to second place. The good news is that NRE doesn't last forever, she just needs to learn to be a little more considerate of you and your feelings. Are You in Poly Hell?

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[UndercoverPoly]

There’s so much to unpack here and others who will do a great job of that with you. I’m just going to ask the obvious…..has she done any video chat with this guy? All online means she could be getting catfished. She’s hard in NRE over someone she hasn’t met. For me that’s a heavy red flag. I would hope she checks her feelings and slows down to see if this fantasy guy is even the real deal.

She's been pushing hard for video chat, but that hasn't happened, probably for that reason. Just phone calls.

 

[Evie]

RED FLAG

 

[UndercoverPoly]

RED FLAG

Should I shut it down?

We had a conversation and she agreed to slow it down. She understands where I'm coming from. She found out he hasn't been totally honest with her. He told her and me that his gf knows what he's doing and then admitted that that was not the truth-- she doesn't know. So he's actually been cheating on her, in a way.

My wife is somewhat into being his other woman. We talked about it last night and roleplayed about it.

She initially told me that if he doesn't tell her, she will call it off. But it doesn't seem that way. I don't know if her feelings are too strong already, and if I'm in a dangerous area by letting this continue, even though he is long distance. He reached out to me, as well, and admitted the situation. He doesn't plan to tell his gf right away.

 

[Magdlyn]

Should I shut it down?

I am not sure this is polyamory or not. In a healthy poly relationship, one partner does not have the right to tell the other person what to do. It's her relationship and she makes the decisions whom to date.

Ideally, polyamory is a lovestyle where a person can have multiple romantic adult relationships with the informed and joyful consent of all. Therefore, if wife's bf/bull is cheating, if he first lied and said his gf was ok with it, but has now confessed she doesn't even know, this is not polyamory and he is a liar and a cheater.

We had a conversation and she agreed to slow it down. She understands where I'm coming from. She found out he hasn't been totally honest with her: he told her and me that his gf knows what he's doing and [later] admitted that that was not the truth. She doesn't know, so he's actually been cheating on her, in a way.

He was lying to your wife, and cheating on his primary partner.

My wife is somewhat into being his other woman. We talked about it last night and roleplayed about it.

She finds it sexy to be her bull's hidden naughty secret? This is not polyamory. Maybe in hotwifing the lying, the danger and insecurity is part of the fun, I don't know. Cheated-upon gfs sometimes show up with a gun.

Still, in our culture, most people would rather cheat, or be cheated on, than practice ENM. They enjoy the taboo. It adds to the thrill. They get pleasure out of "getting away with something."

She initially told me if he doesn't tell her she will call it off, but it doesn't feel that way.

If she doesn't keep her promise to you, the ball is in your court. If it feels icky to you to be in a relationship with someone who is dating a cheater, you can stop having sex with her, stop sharing the bedroom for even sleeping, or separate.

I don't know if her feelings are too strong already,

Feelings of lust are not a good excuse to be unethical. Polyamory is ethical non-monogamy.

and if I'm in dangerous area by letting this continue, even though he is long distance. He reached out to me as well and admitted the situation and he doesn't plan to tell his gf right away.

Yeah, this is not a healthy situation, long distance or not.

 

[UndercoverPoly]

I am not sure this is polyamory or not. In a healthy poly relationship, one partner does not have the right to tell the other person what to do. It's her relationship and she makes the decisions whom to date.

Ideally, polyamory is a lovestyle where a person can have multiple romantic adult relationships with the informed and joyful consent of all. Therefore, if wife's bf/bull is cheating, if he first lied and said his gf was ok with it, but has now confessed she doesn't even know, this is not polyamory and he is a liar and a cheater.

He was lying to your wife, and cheating on his primary partner.

She finds it sexy to be her bull's hidden naughty secret? This is not polyamory. Maybe in hotwifing the lying, the danger and insecurity is part of the fun, I don't know. Cheated-upon gfs sometimes show up with a gun.

Still, in our culture, most people would rather cheat, or be cheated on, than practice ENM. They enjoy the taboo. It adds to the thrill. They get pleasure out of "getting away with something."

If she doesn't keep her promise to you, the ball is in your court. If it feels icky to you to be in a relationship with someone who is dating a cheater, you can stop having sex with her, stop sharing the bedroom for even sleeping, or separate.

Feelings of lust are not a good excuse to be unethical. Polyamory is ethical non-monogamy.

Yeah, this is not a healthy situation, long distance or not.

Yeah, this is definitely not poly. Sorry I brought this here. My wife needed some type of connection, so that's why I felt this way. I do feel weird cuz I did push her towards this lifestyle, which she has embraced. I don't want to stop what were doing, but I think this one single relationship is not good. I told her tonight that at this point I don't think there is anything he could do to completely push her away and that part is frustrating.

He is respectful of our relationship, but I don't wanna hit a point where she is so tied up with him or falls in love. We are not poly and this is not the way we are headed either. I think if I told her I forbid it, or something weird, it would cause a big problem and she'd be mad.

I don't really know where to go. She did say she's open to other guys though, and wants me to find her some to talk to.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, this is definitely not poly. Sorry I brought this here. My wife needed some type of connection, so that's why I felt this way. I do feel weird cuz I did push her towards this lifestyle, which she has embraced. I don't want to stop what we're doing, but I think this one single relationship is not good. I told her tonight at this point I don't think there is anything he could do to completely push her away, and that part is frustrating.

He is respectful of our relationship, but I don't wanna hit a point where she is so tied up with him or falls in love. We are not poly and this is not the way we are headed. I do think if I told her I forbid it, or something weird, it would cause a big problem and she'd be mad.

I don't really know where to go. She did say she's open to other guys, though, and wants me to find her some to talk to.

It's okay you came here for help. We do often get people who are trying out cuckoldry, or swinging, or other kinds of kinky things, with more people than their own spouse/partner. They start out as all fun and games, but people being people, it often goes from sexy fun to true feelings developing. The couples realize they've backed into a polyamorous relationship without meaning to. "What do we do now?"

That's what is happening here. We can still help you.

Another place to go for help is the cuckold/hotwife community on the website fetlife.com. There are literally thousands of people there who are into this fetish, and there are discussion groups you can find if you just do a search.

I don't know why it's up to you to find her guys to date. There are probably dating websites for hotwifing (maybe you could find such groups on Fetlife), where you and she could look for likely bulls together.

I personally know someone who never thought about being a bull, but a woman who found him on Feeld said she wanted a bull, since she had a stable of 3 subs who wanted to be cuckolded. My friend decided to give it a try, but since he's poly, he has actually begun a deeper more emotional r'ship with her than she originally thought she wanted haha. They go on ordinary dates, cook together, go for drives, out to breakfast, he helps her in the garden, etc. The cucks are okay with whatever their mistress does. All the humiliation is good.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I'm with Kevin. This is more like "hotwife hell," but the concepts in "poly hell" apply.

I could be wrong in my impression, but she's sounds all NRE drunk with Dude.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

She initially told me that if he doesn't tell her, she will call it off. But it doesn't feel that way. I don't know if her feelings are too strong already, and if I'm in a dangerous area by letting this continue, even though he is long distance. He reached out to me as well and admitted the situation. He doesn't plan to tell his gf right away.

It sounds like Dude is cheating on his GF and both you and wife know it.

Because she's in NRE and the one in favor, is she turning a blind eye to poor behavior? Like, she's so special he'd never cheat on HER, so it's not her business/problem if he cheats on his GF. But if he's willing to cheat on the GF, and this is all online, she doesn't know who else's he's stringing along for jollies. He could already be cheating on her and just buttering her up when he clocks his time with her.

YOU don't seem into this with Dude anymore. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. You could tell wife you are up for HEALTHY hotwifing, but you are not getting involved in cheating things. This Dude has admitted he is cheating. You don't want to be mixed up in that. You aren't going to tell her to stop seeing him, but you want no part of this. You won't be doing any hotwifing with Dude in the mix.

And then, you step back and protect yourself and your assets, and let her make her own messes and clean them up herself. If Dude hurts her, you might give her a hug and say, "I'm sorry." And then you encourage her to see a counselor to get it back together. You don't have to be the "clean up" crew. You have the sense to get out of the splash zone.

And if her engaging with cheaters long term starts to make you look at her differently, like you lose respect or love for her, that's a natural consequence of her choices. You are going to feel disappointed in her. Yes, you might lose respect for her. You might lose love for her.

As for the poly thing, I think you'd best talk that out with her. Stop being so fearful and face it head on. Be kind but firm.

"Wife, I'm not into polyamory. If you are finding you prefer that to the hotwifing, I can respect that, but I will be standing aside. I'm not going to drag you into hotwifing if you don't really enjoy it, and I won't be dragged into polyamory because I don't like that.

I think it is more loving and respectful to part ways decently. Then, after healing, we can see if we can be exes and friends, rather than hurting ourselves and faking it, going through the motions, or doing other weird things."

i do feel if I told her I forbid or something weird it would cause a big problem and she'd be mad.

Why are you afraid of her feeling all her adult feelings? Like her feeling mad that you said "Nope, I'm not gonna keep going with the hotwife thing if the other person is a cheater. I want better than that for my hotwifing stuff. You do what you want with Dude, but I'm out. If you still want to hotwife with me, cool. But it would have to be with different people. I draw the line at Dude."

I don't really know where to go. She did say she's open to other guys. She wants me to find them for her to talk to.

I don't know how you two want to do your shared hotwife kink at this time, now that you've learned that Dude's a cheater, but if that's a reasonable request, measured against your shared agreements for hotwife stuff, all right. Find her new partners to share this kink with.

If you want to see HER step away from this Dude long enough to set up a new encounter herself, you could ask her to do so. That's not telling her to end it with Dude, it's asking her to set up something else herself.

If you want to take a hotwife break and seek a couples counselor experienced in polyamory and other nonmonogamy, maybe it is time to take a time out. Maybe y'all need professional help since you aren't solving it by yourselves. You could ask wife to take a break. You aren't gonna say boo about her and Dude. But nope, YOU aren't doing any hotwife stuff with Dude.

You could ask for no NEW people for hotwifing or polydating, or whatever, because it's stressful enough right now with the people already here. You could say you'd like to have X appointments during the "time out" first, before dealing with any new people. That's a reasonable and rational request.

YMMV, but could search for counselors at:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

 

[UndercoverPoly]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I'm with Kevin. It's more like "hotwife hell" but the concepts in "poly hell" apply.

I could be wrong in my impression... but she's sounds all NRE drunk with Dude.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Sounds like Dude is cheating on his GF and both you and wife know it.

Because she's in NRE and the one in favor, is she turning a blind eye to poor behavior? Like she's so special he'd never cheat on HER. So not her business/problem if he cheats on his GF?

But if he's willing to cheat on the GF? And this is all online? She doesn't know who else's he's stringing along for jollies. He could already be cheating on her. Just buttering her up when he clocks his time with her.

YOU don't seem into this with Dude any more. And your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.

You could tell wife you are up for HEALTHY hotwifing but you are not getting involved in cheat-y things. And this Dude admits he cheats. You don't want to be mixed up in that. You aren't gonna tell her to stop seeing him, but you want no part of this. And won't be doing any hotwifing with Dude in the mix.

And you step back. And protect your own self. And your assets. And let her make her own messes and clean it up herself. If Dude hurts her? A hug and "I'm sorry." And then you encourage her to a counselor to get it back together.

You don't have to be the "clean up" crew. You had the sense to get out of the splash zone.

And if her engaging with cheaters long term starts to make you look at her different? Like losing respect or losing love for her? That's going to be a natural consequence of her choices then. You are going to feel disappointed in her. And yes. You might lose respect for her. You might loose love for her.

As for the poly thing? I think you best go there and talk it out with wife. Stop being so fearful and face it head on. Be kind but firm.

"Wife, I'm not into polyamory. If you are finding you prefer that to the hotwifing? I can respect it and I'd stand aside. But I'm not going to drag you into hotwifing if you don't really enjoy that. And I won't be dragged into polyamory because I don't really like that.

I think it is more loving and more respectful to part ways decently. And after healing see if we can be exes and friends. Rather than hurt selves and each others faking it, going through the motions, or doing weird."



Why are you afraid of her feeling all her adult feelings? And her feeling mad that you said "Nope. I'm not gonna keep going with the hotwife thing if the other person is a cheater. I want better than that for my hotwifing stuff. You do what you want with Dude. I'm out on that one. If you still want to hotwife with me? Cool. But it would have to be with different people. I draw the line at Dude."




I don't know how you two work your shared hotwife kink at this time now that you learned Dude's a cheater.

If that's a reasonable request measured against your shared agreements for hotwife stuff? Alright. Find her new partners to share this kink with.

If you want to see HER step away from this Dude long enough to set up a new encounter herself? Could ask her to do so. That's not telling her to end it with Dude. It's asking her to set up something else herself.

If you want to take a hotwife break and seek a couple counselor experienced with polyamory and other nonmonogamy? Maybe it is time to take a time out. Cuz maybe y'all need professional help since you aren't solving it by yourselves.

Could ask wife to take a break. You aren't gonna say boo about her and Dude. But nope. YOU aren't doing any hotwife stuff with Dude.

Could ask for no NEW people for hotwifing or polydating or whatever. Cuz it's stressy enough right now with the people already here. You'd like to do X appointments during the "time out" first before dealing in new people again.
That's a reasonable and rational request.

YMMV, but could search for counselors on

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

This was an eye opening post and you hit on a lot. Thank you. I do think she is NRE drunk and have felt so from the jump. Her telling me how much he is 100% her type and that I wasn't when we met was hard to hear. But i get it. I think it's caused her to look past stuff she never would. Constantly hearing that everything he does he golden is annoying to me, though she likes to label me as insecure in these situations.

Cheating things don't bother me as much, though maybe it's part of hotwifing and the sexual part of it. If she had known from the beginning i would feel better, because she was manipulated and I feel she deserves better than that. He's also told her that she's the only hotwife he's talking to and I don't agree with that.

I told her tonight that if we were swinging and I was dating women she would have the right to say no to any woman and I should have the same. That did not go well. I'm gonna give this another day or so. But I think you're right and we're gonna have to have a real conversation

 

[GalaGirl]

This was an eye opening post and you hit on a lot, thank you.

I'm glad it helped you.

I do think she is NRE drunk and have felt so from the jump. Her telling me how much he is 100% her type and I wasn't when we met was hard to hear but i get it. I think it's caused her to look past stuff she never would. Constantly hearing that everything he does he golden. Is annoying to me, though she likes to label me as insecure in these situations.

Wife is oversharing Dude details. That's TMI. You don't need to know any of that.

Anyone who has ever dealt with someone who is very drunk on beer, who INSISTS they are not drunk, and says that YOU must the wet blanket party pooper, because they can hold their drink, knows that's a pain in the ass. You wouldn't feel happy if I vomited all my beer on you, while telling you how "not drunk" I am.

NRE-drunk people, who INSIST they are not NRE drunk and that YOU are the wet blanket party pooper, are also PITAs. If she's so NRE-drunk she does "word vomit" at you, step back and say no. She can share her Dude stories with Dude, tell a friend, tell a counselor. But nope, not you. You pass on the long-winded NRE-drunk babbling.

All you need is a shared calendar and to know the basics about safer sex. What she does with Dude is her deal. You could say it more nicely than that, maybe, but be FIRM about it. Maintain strong personal boundaries with your wife.

Cheaty things don't bother me as much though maybe it's part of hotwifing and the sexual part of it.

Cheating would NOT be ok with me. Pretending things for a scene, sure. But actual cheating? Pass.

Sometimes the injured party kept in the dark shows up to slash tires or with a gun.

I didn't make the mess. I don't need the drama. I'm not sticking around, "mess adjacent."

If she had known from the beginning i would feel better because she was manipulated and I feel she deserves better than that. He's also told her that she's the only hotwife he's talking to and I don't agree w that.

(Her + Dude) is not your responsibility to manage. She is free to do dumb things, but she is not free from the consequences of her choices. Do not be her "pre-manager" or her "clean up crew." Instead secure your OWN things, so YOU don't get dinged by the mess.

I told her tonight if we were swinging and I was dating women she would have the right to say no to any woman and I should have the same.

I personally have no interest in veto power. I would not give any partner that right and I wouldn't want it from them. Reasonable requests, like, "Please don't do poly or kink with my relatives or coworkers," I'm willing to entertain. But blanket veto power like that, no. Are you trying to get veto power from her so you can veto Dude and make him go away?

I was scared about her falling in love w someone else, even though we have a strong bond and have been together 16 years.

How many years does she have to clock before you decide to RELAX? Isn't 16 more than enough? If she's not trustworthy, what are you doing spending 16 years of your life with someone who is untrustworthy? If you only want hotwife kink stuff, say so. You are not up for poly.

If some of your stuff here is rooted in a fear of "losing my relationship with her" and "fear of a break up," so you are putting up with a lot of wonky BS, but then you are not happy about the wonky BS you put up with, maybe you want to talk to a counselor and unpack some of that. Finish the thought so it's not so scary.

What if you two DID break up? How would you cope? What would your emergency plan be?

Do your personal work. Have the talks you need to be having with your wife also, with a couples counselor, if needed.

I'm gonna give this another day or so but I think you're right and we're gonna have to have a real conversation

It takes me at least 3 days to clear adrenalin dump. If you two have been talking this to death, I suggest some REST. Take a time out. I suggest you slow down and do NOT talk to her again so soon. A better investment might be for you to set up and go talk to a counselor experienced with non-monogamy instead. Give it a little time for cooler heads to prevail. Gather your thoughts in order.

Runaway anxiety and pick pick picking at things-- if that is happening here, that's not a good frame of mind for solving problems.

Galagirl

 

[UndercoverPoly]

I'm glad it helped you.



Wife is oversharing Dude details. That's TMI. You don't need to know any of that.

Anyone who has ever dealt with someone who is very drunk on beer, who INSISTS they are not drunk, and says that YOU must the wet blanket party pooper, because they can hold their drink, knows that's a pain in the ass. You wouldn't feel happy if I vomited all my beer on you, while telling you how "not drunk" I am.

NRE-drunk people, who INSIST they are not NRE drunk and that YOU are the wet blanket party pooper, are also PITAs. If she's so NRE-drunk she does "word vomit" at you, step back and say no. She can share her Dude stories with Dude, tell a friend, tell a counselor. But nope, not you. You pass on the long-winded NRE-drunk babbling.

All you need is a shared calendar and to know the basics about safer sex. What she does with Dude is her deal. You could say it more nicely than that, maybe, but be FIRM about it. Maintain strong personal boundaries with your wife.




Cheating would NOT be ok with me. Pretending things for a scene, sure. But actual cheating? Pass.

Sometimes the injured party kept in the dark shows up to slash tires or with a gun.

I didn't make the mess. I don't need the drama. I'm not sticking around, "mess adjacent."



(Her + Dude) is not your responsibility to manage. She is free to do dumb things, but she is not free from the consequences of her choices. Do not be her "pre-manager" or her "clean up crew." Instead secure your OWN things, so YOU don't get dinged by the mess.



I personally have no interest in veto power. I would not give any partner that right and I wouldn't want it from them. Reasonable requests, like, "Please don't do poly or kink with my relatives or coworkers," I'm willing to entertain. But blanket veto power like that, no. Are you trying to get veto power from her so you can veto Dude and make him go away?



How many years does she have to clock before you decide to RELAX? Isn't 16 more than enough? If she's not trustworthy, what are you doing spending 16 years of your life with someone who is untrustworthy? If you only want hotwife kink stuff, say so. You are not up for poly.

If some of your stuff here is rooted in a fear of "losing my relationship with her" and "fear of a break up," so you are putting up with a lot of wonky BS, but then you are not happy about the wonky BS you put up with, maybe you want to talk to a counselor and unpack some of that. Finish the thought so it's not so scary.

What if you two DID break up? How would you cope? What would your emergency plan be?

Do your personal work. Have the talks you need to be having with your wife also, with a couples counselor, if needed.



It takes me at least 3 days to clear adrenalin dump. If you two have been talking this to death, I suggest some REST. Take a time out. I suggest you slow down and do NOT talk to her again so soon. A better investment might be for you to set up and go talk to a counselor experienced with non-monogamy instead. Give it a little time for cooler heads to prevail. Gather your thoughts in order.

Runaway anxiety and pick pick picking at things-- if that is happening here, that's not a good frame of mind for solving problems.

Galagirl

Again, you make some great points. I agree that she is oversharing. We probably do that on the regular. We tell each other everything and that causes some unnecessary hurt. I always want to be her first choice and I believed I always was. This guy is probably her dream scenario and she has gotten a chance at that in this situation.

I was always against poly and so was she, supposedly. She's never committed to the idea of me being able to explore, so I don't know how she would react in that situation. We only agreed to share her and find a guy that she liked and could get to know well enough to share herself with. But we are not agreeing to a poly situation.

I don't know how I feel about veto power. I guess since were not doing poly, it felt necessary if it got too deep. She lives in the moment. So maybe this is the dangerous part of hotwifing with her and something I should have considered.

I'm sure hitting hypotheticals is unfair. She is trustworthy; I really trust her a lot. But we are definitely not up for poly. I need to reel it back in.

I think the biggest problem is that this guy is not really a bull. He is self-admittedly a guy who uses this as his "amateur porn." He likes seeing porn of couples. Maybe he likes to home-wreck, as well, and has some ulterior motives.

It's hard not to talk to her about this, because she brings him up every day and they have been talking so much lately. Since he confessed all this stuff to her things have really amped up.

 

[GalaGirl]

If things hurt anyway? REDUCE the parts you can reduce, then, and start seeking a counselor to help with the rest.

Its hard not to talk to her about his because she brings him up every day and they have been talking so much lately.

"Wife, I'm full. You talk about Dude a lot. I need a break from hearing it. Can we talk about something else? I don't want to talk about Dude for the rest of the week. Talk to Dude himself or to other people about Dude stuff."

So what if she gets mad that she can't NRE-drunk babble at you? She can go drunk babble elsewhere. Your ears belong to you. You can decide to close up shop for the day or the week. You can set personal boundaries around YOUR time and YOUR energy.

Even bars do that. They close. Do any of the patrons have to stop drinking tonight? No. They don't have to go home, but they can't stay HERE. This bar is DONE for the night. They can go drink somewhere else or go drink at home.

She does whatever he wants.

Well, that's her choice. They might be enjoying whatever kink on their own, or it might be stupid, NRE-drunk stuff. I'm not there. I don't know.

I imagine it can be alarming for you to watch if she's NRE obsessed, but you can still step back. You can still protect yourself and your assets. Warn her ONCE, then step back. If she's hellbent on making a mess, she can make it and then clean it up herself later. You do not have to help.

If she makes SUCH a huge mess of it that damages the (you + her) relationship, and you decide to ask for a trial separation or just break up with her, you can do that. It might feel sucky to do, but you can still do the actions and then go feel all your feels in a safer space. You have every right remove yourself from intolerable or toxic situations and put some distance in there, get out of the range of fire, whether temporarily or permanently.

You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
You don't go down with a sinking ship if you know how to swim for shore.

I imagine this is all very hard for you. Again, I encourage you to talk to a counselor knowledgeable about non-monogamy problems about all that is going on here. Internet people might be able to help with 1 or 2 things. But if you have a whole collection of things, I think a seeking a professional is best to help you untangle all the things.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Again, you make some great points. I agree that she is oversharing. We probably do that on the regular. We tell each other everything and that causes some unnecessary hurt.

You two are fairly new to cuckolding. There have only been two guys, right? You and she have been mono for 16 years and this is her first time getting really exciting sexual attention from another man in all that time. Of course it's going to feel amazing. It's actually a hormonal state; your entire life and being is glowing and every sense is heightened. Just thinking about the new person makes you feel high! It's overwhelming.

You and she probably fantasized about what hotwifing would be like for quite some time, sharing fantasies while having sex. Actually doing it in reality is a whole different ballgame. You pushed for it yourself without understanding the possible pitfalls, like wife's NRE. You maybe thought, "What can go wrong? It's just online chat, after all." Now reality has hit.

You expected to get your own jollies from hearing about every detail of their sexy chat. The old saying, "Be careful what you wish for," applies here. I am not blaming you for your naivete. Untold thousands of people opening marriages have gone through this.

I highly recommend reading Opening Up, Designer Relationships and Polysecure, as well as going to the Fetlife cuck/hotwife boards. There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Learn from other's mistakes and experiences.

We're biased here because we are poly, so we want the whole package, not just sex.

I always want to be her first choice and I believed I always was. This guy is probably her dream scenario and she has gotten a chance at that in this situation.

She barely knows this guy. In NRE we idealize our new partner. They are putting their best foot forward too. He has already lied to her about cheating on his gf, and then admitted it. How is this her dream scenario? I guess she is getting off on being the Other Woman... That makes her feel like a winner?

I was always against poly and so was she, supposedly.

Again, you didn't imagine she could possibly develop feelings for someone she became sexually intimate with. So you made up plans, rules, guidelines, boundaries without enough information. It is time for a reality check and renegotiations. You thought you'd want to hear every detail about Dude, for example, but no, you really don't. That's just one example of reality being different than fantasy.

Did you think you'd get off on being told you were lesser than the bull, and enjoy the humiliation, but instead it feels horrible?

She's never committed to the idea of me being able to explore, so I don't know how she would react in that situation. We only agreed to share her and find a guy that she liked and could get to know well enough to share herself with. But we are not agreeing to a poly situation.

You're not. It seems she's already there, even if she won't outright call it polyamory. She's at least very infatuated. True love takes time to develop.

I don't know how I feel about veto power. I guess since were not doing poly, it felt necessary if it got too deep. She lives in the moment. So maybe this is the dangerous part of hotwifing with her and something I should have considered.

Yes. Most mono couples who succeed at opening up have done at least a year or two of research, reading good sources, going to workshops, listening to podcasts. If you go in blind with nothing but a fantasy and a prayer, shit can hit the fan in unexpected ways. (BTDT, so I sympathize.)

I'm sure hitting hypotheticals is unfair. She is trustworthy; I really trust her a lot. But we are definitely not up for poly. I need to reel it back in.

You say "we," as if you're blind or in denial that she's over the moon for this guy. And you say "I" as if you're her boss. You're not. You're her equal.

I think the biggest problem is that this guy is not really a bull. He is self-admittedly a guy who uses this as his "amateur porn." He likes seeing porn of couples. Maybe he likes to home-wreck, as well, and has some ulterior motives.

I don't think the guy is the problem. Whatever his motives are is irrelevant. The problem is your negotiations and guidelines with your wife. She is the hinge in a V. There are certain skills a hinge needs to develop to carry on with two partners, so that both feel secure and appreciated. She doesn't have these skills yet. The books I recommend will explain this in great detail. But wife is all in pink cloud lala land right now, and may well refuse to read anything and be brought down to earth!

Since he confessed all this stuff to her things have really amped up.

Since he confessed he's into couples porn of some kind, that he's not really a bull-- that makes her super excited? How and why?

How can you bring this woman down to earth? Some people have to threaten to leave, and mean it, or insist on couples counseling, or that they will leave. If she refuses counseling, you might need to move out (for X period of time) and get yourself individual counseling with a poly-friendly counselor. But reading/chatting at Fetlife and reading the recommended books is a good first step. At least you'll see more where you are than in this maze of hurt and drastic change.

 

[ref2018]

Let me get this straight: she does not even know what this guy *looks* like and he's already a "dream scenario" and we're talking "poly versus hotwife hell"? Nope. You're just being taken for a ride. Soon he'll be asking her to send money. Do NOT send money.

 

[UndercoverPoly]

Let me get this straight: she does not even know what this guy *looks* like and he's already a "dream scenario" and we're talking "poly versus hotwife hell"? Nope. You're just being taken for a ride. Soon he'll be asking her to send money. Do NOT send money.

Well there's been tons of pics exchanged back and forth. She follows him on social.media. he's also is in a rock band too which adds to the appeal I guess

But they exchange nudes on a regular basis. No video chat yet

 

[ref2018]

Well there's been tons of pics exchanged back and forth. She follows him on social.media. he's also is in a rock band too which adds to the appeal I guess

But they exchange nudes on a regular basis. No video chat yet

But how does she know that's really him? What is the excuse given for not doing video chat?

 

[UndercoverPoly]

But how does she know that's really him? What is the excuse given for not doing video chat?

I know she asked but hasn't pushed super hard. They talk on the phone all the time. He's sent a lot of explicit videos but I watch enough catfish to know that could be fake. Wouldn't hurt to confirm

 

[UndercoverPoly]

You two are fairly new to cuckolding. There have only been two guys, right? You and she have been mono for 16 years and this is her first time getting really exciting sexual attention from another man in all that time. Of course it's going to feel amazing. It's actually a hormonal state; your entire life and being is glowing and every sense is heightened. Just thinking about the new person makes you feel high! It's overwhelming.

You and she probably fantasized about what hotwifing would be like for quite some time, sharing fantasies while having sex. Actually doing it in reality is a whole different ballgame. You pushed for it yourself without understanding the possible pitfalls, like wife's NRE. You maybe thought, "What can go wrong? It's just online chat, after all." Now reality has hit.

You expected to get your own jollies from hearing about every detail of their sexy chat. The old saying, "Be careful what you wish for," applies here. I am not blaming you for your naivete. Untold thousands of people opening marriages have gone through this.

I highly recommend reading Opening Up, Designer Relationships and Polysecure, as well as going to the Fetlife cuck/hotwife boards. There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Learn from other's mistakes and experiences.

We're biased here because we are poly, so we want the whole package, not just sex.

She barely knows this guy. In NRE we idealize our new partner. They are putting their best foot forward too. He has already lied to her about cheating on his gf, and then admitted it. How is this her dream scenario? I guess she is getting off on being the Other Woman... That makes her feel like a winner?

Again, you didn't imagine she could possibly develop feelings for someone she became sexually intimate with. So you made up plans, rules, guidelines, boundaries without enough information. It is time for a reality check and renegotiations. You thought you'd want to hear every detail about Dude, for example, but no, you really don't. That's just one example of reality being different than fantasy.

Did you think you'd get off on being told you were lesser than the bull, and enjoy the humiliation, but instead it feels horrible?

You're not. It seems she's already there, even if she won't outright call it polyamory. She's at least very infatuated. True love takes time to develop.

Yes. Most mono couples who succeed at opening up have done at least a year or two of research, reading good sources, going to workshops, listening to podcasts. If you go in blind with nothing but a fantasy and a prayer, shit can hit the fan in unexpected ways. (BTDT, so I sympathize.)

You say "we," as if you're blind or in denial that she's over the moon for this guy. And you say "I" as if you're her boss. You're not. You're her equal.

I don't think the guy is the problem. Whatever his motives are is irrelevant. The problem is your negotiations and guidelines with your wife. She is the hinge in a V. There are certain skills a hinge needs to develop to carry on with two partners, so that both feel secure and appreciated. She doesn't have these skills yet. The books I recommend will explain this in great detail. But wife is all in pink cloud lala land right now, and may well refuse to read anything and be brought down to earth!

Since he confessed he's into couples porn of some kind, that he's not really a bull-- that makes her super excited? How and why?

How can you bring this woman down to earth? Some people have to threaten to leave, and mean it, or insist on couples counseling, or that they will leave. If she refuses counseling, you might need to move out (for X period of time) and get yourself individual counseling with a poly-friendly counselor. But reading/chatting at Fetlife and reading the recommended books is a good first step. At least you'll see more where you are than in this maze of hurt and drastic change.

I think you nailed it. We definitely didn't lay down ground rules and reality is definitely hitting now. There was a little bit of naivete on my part. I was the one that pushed early on. I knew she would lean more to the emotional side. Even though we didn't discuss specific boundaries, I think certain things have happened that may have crossed lines, or I'd expect to regard my feelings a little better. She definitely idealized him and I've seen her defend him. But you're right, that's to be expected.

And you're right, it's a we thing. I have to understand we are doing this together and we have to agree on this. Our bond is strong and we both have agreed that if this gets too hurtful to our relationship that we will stop. I do have to say it's taken our sex life and our time together to another level over the past weeks, like never before, so that makes it intoxicating and very tempting.

Yeah, I think you may be right. This is only the 2nd, well technically, the 3rd guy she has talked to. This guy is definitely the best match for her. He clearly lines up with all the things she likes, in every way. That's why I'm curious how much of it is this guy or if this would be happening regardless, if this is just how she acts in these situations, due to having been monogamous for 16 years and finally getting this kind of attention. I feel like it might be fantasy and not the actual cheating stuff.

There is a new friend we've made and she found her husband to be very very hot. I started roleplaying w/ her the idea of seducing him and she got turned off kinda quickly due to the possibility that it could really happen, since it's local and we may hang out with them. So I think, when the rubber hits the road, she doesn't want to be the other woman or a homewrecker in real life.

We've had a few conversations. We had an in-depth one last night. probably our last big one on this topic for my mental health at the moment. She said she wants to take a step back because she sees how it is affecting me. "A step back" for her is just not constantly messaging him. She's gonna let him contact her and stop being the aggressor so much. I will look into Fetlife and go from there. I made myself a soft deadline of a week and to see where things are at with her and him before having any kind of serious conversation about anything happening.