Thank you for more information.
After listening to podcasts; what really got my brain going was the fact that I did not understand that I could define my own terms and conditions. This is something that is bothering me. I want to decide for myself what I want. Sometimes it feels like just clicked [Yes] on the EULA, because that's what people do. And I don't mean this in a disrespectful way towards my wife. It's hard to speak about these things after the fact.
Are you saying you got married without thinking about it, like, "That's just the next step," but without taking any kind of marriage prep class or thinking out life plans with your fiancee? Or maybe you went on automatic pilot because there was a baby on the way?
Or are you saying you did all the marriage prep work and had a life plan.... but things changed for you. You didn't want this plan any more, because who you were in your late 20s is not who you are now, approaching 40? Or something else?
I don't know if poly is for me. But I'm damn sure I want to figure it out, so that I can make an informed decision, perhaps retroactively.
It's okay to want to know who you are today so you can make choices for your next chapter of life.
I think it's both my own voice, and society's voice: "This is just an excuse to fool around, because you feel entitled for missing out earlier in life."
It sounds like this process is hard enough as it is. How about just sticking to the plain words and skipping the judgment? You don't need to be your own self bully and add to your burden.
If you did that, it sounds like it would be, "I feel like I missed out earlier in life because this has been my only partner and I got married young."
What do you think you are missing out on? I know "different people" or "variety" is one thing, because your wife cannot magically turn herself into more than one person for you to date. But apart from that... what do you think you missed?
Making your own decisions and writing your own EULA?
Figuring out who you are in the inside?
I'm having trouble having an honest conversation with my wife because of the fear of being judged. And I have a habit of saying things in weird ways, and I end up hurting her feelings, and I feel misunderstood. I (or we) came to the conclusion that I should try to figure out what it is I want. But it's hard on my own.
You could do the work of detangling. It's not like you don't care about your wife at all, but you could be less caught up in her stuff. This may or may not help on emotional detangling.
You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
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Her thoughts are her job. She can think whatever inside her head. That's not your area to do anything in. And your thoughts are your job. You can think whatever inside your head. That's not her area to do anything in.
You job is to communicate clearly, not leave things out or skip things because you are afraid she will think X or respond like Y or react like Z. That would be letting your anxiety jump the gun. You could let her have her
own space to think, react, respond with what she actually DOES do. rather than than get carried away, predicting whatever and scaring yourself into silence. That doesn't serve anyone well.
She cannot be a mind reader, so do your end of the job, communicate.
As for saying things weirdly, what is it that you want say? Maybe people can help you form the words.
If you worry about being misunderstood, you could tell her you are struggling and doing your best. You could also ask her to repeat back in her own words what you said so you can know she got it how you meant it.
Whether or not her feelings get hurt having these conversations, you aren't TRYING to be a jerk to her. You are trying to be upfront and honest and a more authentic person. You're probably going to have your own struggling feelings, having these conversations.
Growth doesn't happen inside our comfort zone. It happens on the edges, when we go
outside our comfort zone. So even if you don't normally talk about this stuff or are this frank with each other, maybe it's time to take the risk.
How long do you have to be married before you do this?
Maybe limit talking about it to Friday night only, for about an hour, then live your regular lives the rest of the week. Then, if anyone needs recovery time, there's the weekend to do it in, with no work the next morning. Your while life can't be spent doing this work. Normal things, cooking, eating, sleeping, exercise, chores, family time, employment, etc., need to happen too.
If this marriage were a coat, you would make adjustments. Maybe you compromise in a middle place of her becoming more open to hearing about your poly thoughts and feelings without taking it personally, so it becomes open enough for you and you don't have to go around bottled up. But you don't date anyone else, so it stays closed enough for her.
Or maybe that's not the right fit,, and you just have to let go of the whole marriage coat. Put on something else called the "coparenting, divorced exes and friends" coat.
Discovering that two people have grown in different directions is painful. I won't kid you on that. But at the same time... how's it any less painful than being in marriage that no longer fits correctly?
How are you supposed to figure anything out without
talking to each other?
I believe I want to experience other relationships, in part because I haven't had any other relationship. But I'm trying to figure out if I want "something else" or "something in addition to". The "something else" is scaring the shit out of me because it would lead to us breaking up.
It feels a little like she thinks I want to cheat, but let her know so it's not as bad as "cheating", I don't want that.
You aren't cheating. You are trying to be up front and struggling to articulate, so I greyed that part out. You could stay in your own lane and deal with your OWN thoughts and feelings and not try to "manage" hers for her. That is her job. You do yours.
I mean this kindly, okay? Why is breaking up so scary? It is not fun. It's a big life change. But why is the mere idea of parting ways (if you end up wanting very different things) scaring you? Sometimes the last loving act is to gently let go.
Are you able to see that she might not be up for "in addition to" -- and that might mean you part ways, so you can be free to pursue poly, and she can be free FROM poly, if she doesn't want it? Then you can seek more compatible partners, who are willing to do "in addition to."
If you do move on to poly dating, some of those new relationships aren't going to work out. There will be other break-ups. They won't be as big as disbanding a marriage, but it's part of finding the compatible ones -- sorting through the ones that are NOT compatible.
Maybe you want to spend some time thinking, reading, and/or start a blog thread to organize your thoughts as you reflect?
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HTH!
