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HELP101

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Hello new here 👋🏽 I have a question: how do I tell my husband I no longer want him to be poly?

We’ve been together 6 years married 5 1/2 and has been poly basically the whole relationship. It started out as us trying to find our forever partner, many didn’t work a few lasted a little while. The last 2 1/2 years my husband has been sneaky (not telling me about his “girlfriend” when we agreed to open communication about that. I only found out about a gf once because she was in a car accident and he was going to check on her. about a two weeks after that I find out that his telling her that he loves her…I’ve never met nor seen and just found out about her and youngest wasn’t even a year old.

Fast forward just a few months we get pregnant again. our relationship isn’t good. I’m trying to go back to college and I’m working full time. I inform him that I’m not interested in having anyone join our relationship right or anytime soon. He ignore that and have a girl come to our house for me to meet. the next day I get a text from her saying we’re together now. She’s basically living with us she at our house so much. Anything important she talks to him about anything that concerns her she talks to him, the conversation with her and I were like talking with a child.

Husband and I end up moving and she moves in with us, she asks him for a key and again I knew nothing of it. found out because my husband asked me who makes keys. No conversation was had with me about it. fast forward just a little I make him make her move out.

I don’t like the girl I never have and I knows that. She’s been disrespectful toward me in his face and nothing done about it. she disrespected more than once. I’ve asked him to use protection but he doesn’t. I continue to have my ph thrown….

they’ve been together 2 yrs or almost…I don’t want home to be poly but I know he’ll get distant and detract if I express this and he does break it off………I love my husband and I have no plans on leaving him. I just don’t want other in the picture……help please
 
This is easy: Get a male friend, tell your husband he's your boyfriend, make a key for him, and move him into your house. Done.
 
I mean this kindly, ok? I'm not trying to be mean.

Gently, you can't tell him what to be or what not to be. That is his choice to make.

You CAN tell him that you no longer want to be in a polyamorous relationship with him—especially given that he hasn’t upheld shared agreements, hasn’t been honest or communicative, and has repeatedly made major decisions (like moving a partner in, giving her a key, or ignoring safer-sex agreements) without your consent. That is not him doing loving, kind, or respectful behavior toward you.

You CAN tell him you don't want to share bare sex with him any more. He has to use a condom with you. You CAN tell him you don't want to share sex with him anymore, at all.

Right now he doesn't use condoms with his partners, and he's throwing your PH off because he goes bare with other people. He also doesn't tell you about new partners and his changes in risk profile. If you are nursing the new baby, some STIs can cross through breastmilk if he brings you something. You might be worried about that -- not just how his bare sex habits would affect your health, but baby's health.

I love my husband. I have no plans on leaving him. I just don’t want other in the picture. Help, please.
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That's the hard part. Some people aren't safe to love up close. And love alone is not enough. Love is a needed ingredient, but it is not the only thing needed for a healthy, sustainable relationship.

If he allows another partner to disrespect you, if he steamrolls your boundaries, withholds information, ignores continued informed consent, and puts you and your baby at risk through unprotected sex, that points to a deeper issue with him, not the other partner. He's the one picking out weirdos to date and he's the one doing these unkind/risky behaviors.

It's always easier to put it on "the outsider," even when it belongs on the hinge. Thinking things like: "If only the outsider would disappear, it would get better!" is normal. But if the core problems are on the hinge, he'll just find someone new, and here we go again... same mess. Because the issues originate with the hinge behaviors.

You might have to leave to protect yourself and baby, even though you love him still, because the actual behavior he does towards you and baby are less than loving.

I'm sorry, though. This sounds hard for you.

You are grieving the whole "How can someone I love treat me so poorly?" thing. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hello HELP101,

I don't blame you for not wanting to be poly anymore. Your husband is not handling it right. Sit down with him and say, "I'm sorry dear; polyamory just isn't working for me. Could we go back to monogamy?" Then listen carefully to his response. You may have some hard decisions to make.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
I mean this kindly, ok? I'm not trying to be mean.

Gently, you can't tell him what to be or what not to be. That is his choice to make.

You CAN tell him that you no longer want to be in a polyamorous relationship with him, especially given that he hasn’t upheld shared agreements, hasn’t been honest or communicative, and has repeatedly made major decisions (like moving a partner in, giving her a key, or ignoring safer-sex agreements) without your consent. That is not him doing loving, kind, or respectful behavior toward you.

You CAN tell him you don't want to share bare sex with him any more. He has to use a condom with you. You CAN tell him you don't want to share sex with him anymore, at all.

Right now he doesn't use condoms with his partners and he's throwing your PH off because he goes bare with other people. He also doesn't tell you about new partners and his changes in risk profile. If you are nursing the new baby, some STIs can cross through breastmilk if he brings you something. You might be worried about that, not just how his bare sex habits would affect your health, but baby's health.

That's the hard part. Some people aren't safe to love up close. And love alone is not enough. Love is a needed ingredient, but it is not the only thing needed for a healthy, sustainable relationship.

If he allows another partner to disrespect you, if he steamrolls your boundaries, withholds information, ignores continued informed consent, and puts you and your baby at risk through unprotected sex, that points to a deeper issue with him, not the other partner. He's the one picking out weirdos to date and he's the one doing these unkind/risky behaviors.

It's always easier to put it on "the outsider" even when it belongs on the hinge. Thinking things like, "If only the outsider would disappear, it would get better!" is normal. But if the core problems are on the hinge, he'll just find someone new, and here we go again... same mess, because the issues originate with the hinge behaviors.

You might have to leave to protect you and baby, even though you love him still. Because the actual behavior he does towards you and baby are less than loving.

I'm sorry, though. This sounds hard for you.

You are grieving the whole "How can someone I love treat me so poorly?" thing. :(
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Honestly, if I tell him any of that, I firmly believe he’ll leave. Thank you.
 
Then although what ref wrote may have seemed a bit flippant, it's not altogether off the wall. Even the playing field. Turn the tables. What's good for the goose etc.
 
HELP101 said:
Honestly, if I tell him any of that, I firmly believe he’ll leave.
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You can leave him first, is the thing. GG mentioned that. You can't change him. You can only change yourself.
 
Honestly, if I tell him any of that, I firmly believe he’ll leave. Thank you.
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It sounds like you are scared to think about life without him. I can understand that. It's a big change, esp with a baby.

Gently, if telling him your needs, or protecting your health would make him leave, then what relationship is that, really? It's mostly you staying quiet and accepting things that hurt you. That’s not a fair place for you to be and it's not a loving way for him to read you. You absorbing/tolerating his poor behaviors while secretly wishing he'd stop behaving like that... that's going to take a toll on your health and well-being. :(

What will baby learn watching Dad treat you this way? That this is "normal" and what love looks like, to grow up and treat partners like Dad treats you? Or accept worse treatment from a partner because they grew up thinking this poor behavior was normal/acceptable?

You don’t have to decide anything right now. But wanting honesty, respect, and sexual safety isn’t unreasonable or controlling. Those are basic needs.

I’m really sorry you’re in this position. It’s hard to love someone who doesn't really do loving behaviors back. :(

You have worth, value, and dignity. You deserve to be treated well.

GG
 
How did you 'make him move her out'?
 
GalaGirl said:
It sounds like you are scared to think about life without him. I can understand that. It's a big change, esp with a baby.

Gently, if telling him your needs, or protecting your health would make him leave, then what relationship is that, really? It's mostly you staying quiet and accepting things that hurt you. That’s not a fair place for you to be and it's not a loving way for him to read you. You absorbing/tolerating his poor behaviors while secretly wishing he'd stop behaving like that... that's going to take a toll on your health and well-being. :(

What will baby learn watching Dad treat you this way? That this is "normal" and what love looks like, to grow up and treat partners like Dad treats you? Or accept worse treatment from a partner because they grew up thinking this poor behavior was normal/acceptable?

You don’t have to decide anything right now. But wanting honesty, respect, and sexual safety isn’t unreasonable or controlling. Those are basic needs.

I’m really sorry you’re in this position. It’s hard to love someone who doesn't really do loving behaviors back. :(

You have worth, value, and dignity. You deserve to be treated well.

GG
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I am definitely scared to think of life without him, and it’s not just one baby we have 6 in total….I dislike making life changing decisions like this, either way it’s going to have a big impact on our children. Thank you
 
Tinwen said:
How did you 'make him move her out'?
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He was tired of me saying how I don’t like her or how she moved or rather didn’t move around the house (no cleaning, cooking, helping around the house was none existent and her hygiene is bad). She never came to me for anything serious in her life like you do in a relationship so I wouldn’t say anything to her (after voicing that concern) stayed to myself. Having her in our home was putting more strain/stress on our relationship. We’re still not in a good place and haven’t been for a long time
 
Ok, let me try to sum up.
- You have six kids with your husband and obviously no means to support yourself in case of separating.
- You have been more or less consensually poly from the beginning, but you've been uncomfortable with it for a while, especially given your partner's disrespectful and outright cheating behavior.
- Your partner has one girlfriend who used to live with you, but after enough complaining, he finally listened and moved her out.
- You would like him to ditch her altogether and stay monogamous with you.

Is that right?

It's very hard to give any advice here. Oftentimes we would encourage divorce to people whose partners behave disrespectfully, but this is an extra difficult option with six kids. So you will have to somehow find how you can live with each other. It seems to me your husband is very sad at the prospect of monogamy (he gets withdrawn...), and would probably not ditch his gf, but maybe you can negotiate (or nag :/) for something else that would relieve the pressure you feel somewhat. Maybe it eventually works, like with her moving out.

- Would it be possible to reach an agreement where he keeps his current girlfriend but doesn't bring anyone new?
- Is it possible to come up with agreements that protect your time and space together (such as no sex or even visits from outside partners at your house), so that you feel max monogamous and he can still have his other sweetie(s)?
- If his extramarital sex is endangering your health, could he use protection with YOU? (Anyway, if you insist on it, he will have to decide whom to use protection with...)
 
Wow, 6 is a lot of kids! Since you've been together 6 years, are some of these kids his from previous relationships? Like a blended family? Are they all (you + him) kids or only this latest baby?

I think you could use some support to figure out what to do. What you describe isn't just polyamory problems. It's a situation where your needs, consent, health, and safety are repeatedly ignored, and where you feel afraid to speak because you believe you’ll be abandoned if you do.

You wanting:
  • safer sex
  • honesty
  • respect in your own home
  • a voice in decisions that affect your body and your children
is not unreasonable. They are the bare minimum. If you feel afraid to say "No" or even just speak up, this is not a healthy-sounding relationship.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

You don't have to decide anything today. But I urge you to consider talking to a counselor, if you can avail yourself. Internet people might be able to help with one or two things, but this sounds like a lot. Maybe this helps you find one, not because you want poly, but because a poly counselor would know what is healthy poly and what is not.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

You don't have to say anything online, but if this is even bigger than that, maybe even pushing into domestic violence or abuse, you might consider calling a hotline for guidance, in addition to talking to a counselor.

List of domestic violence hotlines - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

You and the kids deserve safety, dignity, and care — whether or not he is willing to provide it.

Galagirl
 
HELP101 said:
He was tired of me saying how I don’t like her or how she moved or rather didn’t move around the house (no cleaning, cooking, helping around the house was none existent and her hygiene is bad). She never came to me for anything serious in her life like you do in a relationship so I wouldn’t say anything to her (after voicing that concern) stayed to myself. Having her in our home was putting more strain/stress on our relationship. We’re still not in a good place and haven’t been for a long time
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I’d recommend reflecting on your support network outside of your romantic relationship, as they will be vital in transitioning this to a healthier situation no matter how it shakes out. Friends, families, and sometimes even co-workers can be a good place to start. You might also have some organizations in the area that can offer support. Outside emotional, financial, and/or logistical support are essential. You’ve already done a great step by reaching out on this forum.
 
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