Telling children about another partner (i.e. being open about the fact I'm polyamorous) - advice needed!

C

Chaos Emerald

New member
So, I am relatively new to polyamory. I came out of a 15 year monogamous relationship 2 years ago, from which I have two children.

Just over a year ago, I ventured back into the world of dating, not really knowing what/who I was hoping to find, but happened to start dating a polyam guy. I also started seeing someone else at the same time, who was also polyamorous. First guy and I are now friends, but second guy (K) and I have now been seeing each other for a year. (A few months in, it became serious/we said we loved each other etc.).

That whole time I have been seeing guy number 3 (N). It was on a much more casual/sexually-compatible basis. However, we have also fallen in love, and so they are now both my partners.

Here comes the bit where I need advice/thoughts on how to go about it. My family and friends all know about K, as I introduced them to my kids after 6 months of being together. Part of me probably thought I wouldn't need to tell about the polyamory side, as N was casual at this point. However, N and I are at the point where we want to be properly in each other's lives, tell our respective children, etc. And I guess I am just worried about how this is going to go! I think they will probably be quite accepting. I think I am more worried about other adults' reactions.

Does anyone have experience with this they could share?
 
Would you share the age of your kids?
Litlle ones usually have no problem with polyamory, plus you would not speak to them about the sexual part anyway.
 
5 and 9. I'm thinking I would phrase in terms of the understand people having more than one friend, some people have more than one bf/gf/partner. Yes, would not encompass the sexual side of anything obviously.
 
Hello Chaos Emerald,

I think it is hard or impossible to keep a secret like this from the kids. They are sharp observers, and likely to put two and two together. They may even draw the wrong conclusion, that "Mommy is cheating." So do tell your kids. It's just a question of what's age appropriate for them. Also you wouldn't share your sex life with your kids if you were monogamous, right? so it's enough to say, "Mommy has two boyfriends," without detailing every little thing that goes on behind closed doors.

It is also a tall order to tell the kids to keep the secret from their friends and other adults. Most likely if you are polyamorous and have kids, you will just have to resign yourself to being open about it. But, despite everything I've said in this post, I could be wrong and it's up to you to use your best judgment on whether and how you come out to the kids. You are the one who is in that situation, and who knows your kids best. It is okay to trust your gut instincts here.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
What is your relationship with your ex-spouse? Will coming out to the children filter back to the whole extended family?

Depending on the gender and maturity of the 9-yr old, you may think you’re excluding the sexual side of that, but if that’s true, it’s going to be a really small window, and you might be planting seed by broaching the topic, or by some inquisitive questions posed by the ex-spouse, or one of the grandparents, if they’re in the circle.

Maybe loud and proud is the best tactic for all the adults that might find out through the kids-- "This is how I choose to live. If you don’t agree, fuck off." Then whatever you tell the kids incrementally doesn’t matter as much.
 
If you're more worried about the other adults in your life, then tell them first. Definitely don't let them hear it through the kids, and don't attempt to have the kids keep a secret, that's just setting them up for their own relationship issues in the future.

It sounds like you and N really do want to be out and able to live authentically as a couple, just as you and K are. I'm guessing K's absolutely fine with this, too. So, time to start educating your friends and family. Yes, you may encounter some blowback, but that's part of the choice of being poly. I hope you have the easiest time possible with informing them.
 
This is an extremely universal question. Everyone that starts practicing polyamory has to come out, sooner or later, to some people or everyone. Therefore, way back in the earlier years of this board, the mods put together a long consolidated thread, where many people's experiences were shared. Here you go.

 
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