The end is the beginning is the end

patrolman

New member
This is my blog. Feel free to share your thoughts if you feel like it.

First of all, I want to name the main characters in my story. Some of them were already introduced in my introductory post, but with different names.
  • Storm - my partner
  • Ghost - our teenage son
  • Nettle - our pre-teen daughter
  • Pitch Shifters - Our 2 doggies
  • Fluffy the Cat
  • Sublunar - Storm’s boyfriend
  • River - Sublunar’s wife
So what’s going on?

Storm and I have been living together for 20 years, for the most parts anyway. We currently live in our own house in the countryside. Every now and then we have half-seriously talked about having a “city flat”, a place where we could spend some time away from the small town where we currently live. I think we both have also desired some alone time, especially during times when things haven’t been so great between us. I know I have. We both have had our individual struggles in life, regarding e.g. depression. Of course, with kids and pets and all, city flat hasn’t really been a practical thing to pursue (not to mention financially!). Sometimes we have also talked about relocating completely, but as our kids are still in primary school, we have felt that living here is the best option for them. When we bought this house maybe 15 years ago, it was a joint decision. I didn’t really care where I lived, as long as I got to be with Storm, and she preferred the countryside back then, which was fine by me. Besides the house, we have all sorts of other ties here as well.

Along came Sublunar. He’s been seeing Storm for a few years now. Things were progressing quite naturally between them, and we had already started to talk about how we can arrange our lives and living arrangements, so that everybody's needs would be met, when “things” happened. You can read more about that from the introduction post. We have since moved on, the best we can, with Sublunar still in our lives. Anyhow, as a result of everything, it looks like Sublunar is going to (have to) move away from his current house, away from River. No big surprise there. However, that in a sense puts us back where we initially were (or where we thought we were. Uh... so complicated). Figuring out living arrangements that is.

So right now, Sublunar and Storm have been looking for apartments from the city. A place they could live together. Financially this is feasible. Storm is planning to spend her time between our house and the city flat with Sublunar (it would be only some 30 km away). Ghost and Nettle would primarily be here with me (and Storm when she’s here), but are of course welcome to the city flat (as am I). Pitch Shifters and Fluffy would also stay in the country house. Or that’s the plan anyway. So.. enormous things are happening in our lives. Scary things. Exciting things.

I have been talking with Storm that this is not really the dream I had in my mind, not regarding the living arrangements and not regarding poly life. But I reckon we need a change. We are not looking to break up (or are we?), but something else. However, I’m really scared how this will affect my relationship with Storm. Then again, I’m kind of excited to get more time to myself and maybe the time I have with Storm will be more appreciated by both of us too. Maybe this could also energize me to finally open up to meet new people. So far I have felt that I just don’t have the will and energy. It’s not something that I really need to make happen, but it’s rather something that could be...

I’m really bummed that I don’t get to live in the city at all. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I feel envy. I feel stuck here. Lazy bastard that I am, I really loathe the chores that come with the house. Yes, it has been stated that I can stay in the city flat sometimes too, but in reality I don’t think that would ever happen, I wouldn’t feel comfortable there (on my own, or with Storm), and I’m pretty sure Sublunar wouldn’t be comfortable either, as it will be primarily his home. Something to talk about, but I’m really pessimistic about it. I have been dreaming about kitchen table poly, and I know that it would be something Storm would also like (in the long run), but at the moment we are going in parallel, and I’m not seeing that changing any time soon. It’s probably for the best too, for now.

Then there is also a whole lot of other distressing matters in the background, the relationship between Sublunar and River, their likely divorce etc, but I feel I have enough on my own plate right now. That is his life and his mess to figure out. Of course it will most likely reflect on our lives too, and can ultimately change everything, but I can only focus on short-term right now. Then there is the issue of trusting Sublunar in the first place, after all that happened… Then there’s Ghost and Nettle, but I’m pretty confident they will be ok with these changes that we have planned now. They are up to speed and are looking forward to the possibility of spending some time in the city as well, especially Ghost. Then there’s sex, but that will need it’s own post sometime in the future...

I’m pretty sure nobody expected we would head into this direction after reading my introduction, including me, but here we are nonetheless. I often feel like we are the example of “how to not do things”, not just regarding poly but on almost everything. Still we have somehow managed and most importantly, I’m not regretting the choices we have made, so far anyway.
 

Evie

Well-known member
Then again, I’m kind of excited to get more time to myself and maybe the time I have with Storm will be more appreciated by both of us too.

As someone who is in a semi long distance relationship with my legal spouse and financial interdependent person, I personally find that distance does make the in person time more valued. I look forward to reading as your situation unfolds.
 

patrolman

New member
This week is a holiday week for the kids from school. Autumn holiday. After today, Storm and I will also take the rest of the week off from work, so we all will be at home. Because of covid, we haven’t planned any trips or other activities, so I guess it’s mostly Netflix, making food, maybe baking etc. Nettle and I have been practicing playing piano, so that’s definitely on our agenda! Among other songs, I’m currently trying to learn Laura Palmer’s theme from Twin Peaks, and Nettle is learning Mad World by Gary Jules. I love both songs! We are not taking any lessons for now, so just learning on our own and having fun! I do have some background in music (even lessons as a kid), so that helps. We also took one online course together a bit earlier this year. I mostly play guitar myself, but I do love the sound of piano.

Tomorrow Storm and Sublunar will go to see some apartments again. They are looking to rent a place, not to buy one. There seems to be a lot of supply, so they can afford to be somewhat picky I guess. Storm is browsing through online-sites like crazy, and shows all the best (and worse) flats to me, but I don’t really take part in this endeavour other than commenting on some pictures.

I haven’t really talked with Sublunar in a while. I’ve seen him only a few times after all the shit went down, but he hasn’t been to our home since. We’ve also texted only a couple of times. Before, there were times when we texted almost on a daily basis. Maybe he’s afraid, or waits for me to show some initiative. He has picked up Storm a few times from our house without coming inside. I think I should reach out to him. Everything should be ok between us, as far it can be, after what happened. At least we should aim to improve things. I’ve said to him that I don’t hold any grudges.

We still haven’t heard anything from River either. I thought she would most definitely reach out to Storm, to confront her in some way. Nothing so far. It worries me, but I choose to trust Sublunar in this, that he has been open with her. Last time we were in contact, he told me what he had said to River exactly. It was not everything, but it was a good start (and enough in a sense, to set things in motion). Considering everything, I’m still on the alert in some ways. I see it possible that in the end, River and Sublunar choose to continue together, monogamous. It’s not the message Sublunar is giving to Storm, but like I said, I’m still a bit cautious myself. We have talked about this with Storm, so she’s not in the dark either. She’s focusing on getting forward with Sublunar though and I support her.
 

patrolman

New member
Storm had a total meltdown during the weekend. It was stress, worry and hormones induced anxiety of sorts, resulting in a lot of screaming and crying. A bit scary actually. At times, I feel she's quite unstable (hence the nickname Storm). Ghost did some stupid teenage shit, which caused us to worry and stay up a whole night without any sleep, and things just went downhill from there. There's was a lot of other minor stuff going on also, but surprisingly nothing between us (this time anyway).

Storm and Sublunar are still looking for an apartment to rent. They have seen at least 10 already, and have few open houses still scheduled. They seem to be quite picky. I hope they found something soon, so we can go forward. I think both of us, Storm and me, are hoping that this arrangement with two apartments will also help to reduce the stress for Storm and relieve a lot of tension within our family.

I didn't master Laura Palmer's theme, even though I practiced a lot during my time off from work last week :) Nettle however is progressing much faster with her song. It sounds really good when she plays Mad World. I did some reading about the music of Twin Peaks and there was a cool article about how David Lynch and Angelo Badalamenti came up with Laura Palmer's theme. Not sure if it's true, but here's the link if you're interested: https://www.vulture.com/2017/05/twin-peaks-secrets.html
 

patrolman

New member
I just read another thread on the forum regarding agreements, and noticed that Kevin basically described my ideal model for a poly relationship in his answer (https://polyamory.com/threads/relationship-agreements.153668/#post-471048). Specifically
hetero MFM V, the other man in the composite relationship is just involved with me as a platonic friend, and we are both romantically involved with the woman. All three of us know this and are consenting. We also have an agreement that all three of us are primary partners. There are no secondaries in our V. --- We are kitchen table poly, but now with notes of parallel poly.
I don't think you can really have "goals" about how relationships should evolve, every relationship is different with different combinations and ideals, but you can have dreams at least. Currently I feel we are moving away from my dreams, and it makes me a bit sad.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Patrolman, would you like feedback on this blog?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi patrolman, I'm glad to hear you liked what I posted on the other thread. The three of us live in the same house today, but that wasn't always the case. We kind of had to evolve to get to where we're currently at. Now we live in the same house, but I have my own bedroom with a connected bath. It's an ideal situation for me at least, we might move eventually but if we do I hope our new place will be laid out similar to our current place. In your situation, I can see how Storm and Sublunar are kind of in the process of carving out a relationship separate from you. I get the impression that you would like a little closeness/friendship with Sublunar, more closeness it seems than he wants, and thus more than you're likely to get. I'm sorry that that dream doesn't seem to be panning out for you.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
You must be feeling envious that Storm and Sublunar are looking for a city flat, which had been a little dream of your own, for your future with Storm!

So, maybe Sublunar has again separated from his wife, and is off to go nesting with his gf, moving ahead! All is forgiven, the lies, the fake persona, and they are setting up their love nest, leaving you at home with the surly teenagers. I hope you don't feel left behind, as the babysitter, while the adults go off to have sexy time and uninterrupted romantic dates.

I'd think you'd feel like a third wheel if you visited them there. What kind of arrangements would you like Storm to work out with you, so you get free time to enjoy yourself without kids in the picture? This seems crucial for your well-being.
 

patrolman

New member
You must be feeling envious that Storm and Sublunar are looking for a city flat, which had been a little dream of your own, for your future with Storm!

So, maybe Sublunar has again separated from his wife, and is off to go nesting with his gf, moving ahead! All is forgiven, the lies, the fake persona, and they are setting up their love nest, leaving you at home with the surly teenagers. I hope you don't feel left behind, as the babysitter, while the adults go off to have sexy time and uninterrupted romantic dates.

I'd think you'd feel like a third wheel if you visited them there. What kind of arrangements would you like Storm to work out with you, so you get free time to enjoy yourself without kids in the picture? This seems crucial for your well-being.
Yes. I do feel envious, but it comes and goes. I feel like I'm starting to get over it somehow, but who knows what happens when this new phase actually begins?

Also, I am worried that I will feel left behind as the babysitter. I think you put it rather perfectly, that's exactly how I feel, especially regarding 'uninterrupted romantic dates'. I get that our relationships are different. What I have with Storm is different what Storm has with Sublunar. But I cannot shake the feeling that this is somehow unbalanced. On the other hand, the unbalance is at least partly intentional. It's what Storm needs right now. Is it unfair to me? Probably, but at least I'm aware of it. This also steers us to the next point...

We have had discussions with Storm about free time for me. Originally there was a vague idea that the city flat would be place shared equally by all three of us. This was before we knew about Sublunar's actual situation. This would've allowed me to have free time too. Now that Sublunar really needs a place primarily for himself, sharing doesn't sound realistic, if it ever did. Even so, Storm has proposed that I could use the city flat every now and then, while Storm and Sublunar would be in our house with the kids and pets. I have hard time see that happening, especially now, when it feels that Sublunar is really distancing himself from me. And even if it did happen, it would most likely be something like once every month or two. It doesn't really cut it. I might just as well get a hotel room, right? Also, it would be great to have 'alone-time' together with Storm, but even before all of this, it has been a big problem for us.

The funny thing is, that among the three of us, I'm probably the person who would actually most benefit from being alone. I'm super introverted and I really need time to be alone to recharge. Sublunar and Storm are both very social and outgoing.

So what kind of arrangements would make me happy? I don't really see many options. I just hope this is not a permanent solution (though I'm kind of afraid it is). We do have a summer cottage, but it's not winter habitable and it doesn't have running water or electricity... During the summer it does serve as a perfect getaway as it's completely isolated, but it's really not an answer to this situation.

So I'm kind of worried, and I've talked about it with Storm too. I just hope I manage to cope with all of this, and find the positive things I might not be seeing right now.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Can Nettle and Ghost be left home alone at all? Some teens and preteens are fine with that. Some can even be left overnight.

Mine were good like, that, as the oldest of our three was very maternal and sensible and great with her siblings. They weren't so happy to be left overnight at first, but their dad (my ex h) and I could get away for an evening. We'd rent a local hotel room, go out to eat (of course, with Covid, you could bring your own picnic or get takeout), have a nice quiet dinner, uninterrupted conversation, and then lots of unruly sex. Then we'd go home around midnight or whatever. As they got older, we were able to spend an entire weekend away.
 

patrolman

New member
Both Nettle and Ghost are very independent, and can be left alone at home easily for an evening, and even overnight on occasion I reckon. We haven't really done that yet, but it's definitely doable. Thanks for reminding me of that possibility! I think it would be really helpful, even if it wouldn't be that often. Better than nothing definitely.
 

patrolman

New member
Sunday morning. No plans for today. Maybe I continue reading Heart-Shaped Box by Joe Hill. I'm about 1/3 through and not really loving it, but I guess it should finish it anyways. I love the Nirvana references though.

Finished watching The Queen's Gambit on Netflix. Really liked it. I usually watch these kind of "normal" shows with Storm, but for some reason I watched this on my own. I guess she's been busy with Sublunar and finding the apartment. Storm doesn't share my passion for scifi, fantasy, horror and suspense, so those kind of films and shows I tend to watch on my own, e.g. on Sunday mornings such as this, when I'm the only one awake in hour household. A pot of coffee and some time to myself. Priceless.

Oh damn, I completely forgot my car broke down yesterday! It doesn't shift gears, so I guess the gearbox died or something. I'm pretty clueless what it comes to cars. It needs to be towed. Storm was driving it yesterday evening and it broke down just before she got home, only a street away from our house. Now it's just sitting there on the side of the road. I guess it's time to call my father-in-law, the car wizard.
 

annabelle

Member
Hi patrolman,

I am new here, too. I thought I would say hello, and let you know I am following along.

I really enjoyed The Queen's Gambit, too. I play some chess, so was especially great to see a female player. I thought they did a good job of keeping the inner turmoil she was coming to terms with through until the very end.

Anna Xx
 

patrolman

New member
Hello Anna! It's good to know I'm not the only newbie on the forum! I have been checking out your journal as well, but haven't really dared to comment on anything yet, there or anywhere else really. Keep on posting, it's very encouraging to hear people's stories and how they deal with everything that's going on.

Queen's Gambit was amazing, and I don't even play chess at all lol.
 

patrolman

New member
Things are happening. It looks like Storm and Sublunar are not going forward with the joint apartment after all. I guess Sublunar finally came to his senses. He needs to first sort his messes out (e.g. with River), which I believe is definitely The Right Thing To Do. I know Storm feels the same way, but yet she was fully on board with moving in together, partially because of her own reasons. Anyhow, how all this went down, speaks yet again volumes about Sublunar's personality and character. It's pretty much the same thing what happened before, only in a smaller scale. Again, I don't think it's intentional, it's just the way he functions.

So what happened (this time)? Everything seemed to be going just as they had planned. They had seen more than ten apartments, made plans about the decor, visited furniture shops etc. They had narrowed down the possible apartments to 2-3 and were getting ready to sign the lease on one of them this week. They had even negotiated the rents (one of the skills of Sublunar is to negotiate prices, just about on anything). Everything was agreed, discussed with the kids (on OUR side, I have no idea did anyone close to him actually knew any of this)... Anyway, then he started stalling. Things came up, excuses, and actual real life problems he was/is dealing with. Ultimately Storm was able to get the truth out of him. He is not ready to move in with her. He was just afraid to say it to Storm. Ring any bells?

So... He needs to get a divorce first, then he wants to live on his own, and maybe then he is ready to live together with Storm. I completely understand that, and that's how it should've gone in the first place. But WTF. You don't let things go to the point where everything is 100% ready and then pull the rug under your feet. That's just not how responsible people behave. Still, I guess it's better it happened now, than even later.

I know Storm didn't exactly behave rationally either. I was stunned that she was willing to move together with Sublunar in the first place, right after what happened. I did voice my concern, but ultimately it was her choice and I respected it. I was also willing to give Sublunar a chance to prove himself. However, in my account, this is now strike two for him (not that it really matters what I hold accountable).

I don't know what happens next. Storm is very sad and disappointed. Pissed off. Sublunar is... I don't know? I haven't talked with him for a long time. Storm says he's sorry and sad as well and begs for forgiveness. If I would have to guess, I think he will continue to live his life with River. Who knows if he's even told anything to her about what happened with him and Storm. I would like to see Storm reaching out to River, just to let her know what has been going on, but on the other hand, why bother? We don't really know what's their situation and how aware (if at all) she really is. Maybe they will end up having the divorce and Sublunar ends up living on his own. Or maybe he doesn't.

To be honest, I'm somewhat relieved myself. However, I am a bit afraid of the future. I cannot dictate what Storm does, so if at some point she is yet again willing to look past Sublunar's past behaviour, there's nothing I can do about it. I just worry she'll get hurt again.
 

patrolman

New member
Things have cooled down a bit. The relationship between Storm and Sublunar is in some sort of hibernation mode, mostly because it's the way Storm prefers it at the moment. They remain in contact, but on a friend basis for now (or something, less intense than before anyway).

I don't really have any reason to believe that Sublunar has been dishonest after the fact. In my previous post I lashed out a bit, and wondered if he's told anything to River at all. But to be honest, I think he has. And if Sublunar's life really is falling apart with River like it seems it is, what he needs now is support and friends. So...

I'm kinda confused. I like Sublunar. I dislike what he has done, and how he has behaved. I have some trust issues with him. I believe Storm loves him. Even though she has some trust issues with him as well, I think she will get over it and they continue their relationship, eventually free from River (in a sense anyway). I know the relationship between Sublunar and Storm is their business, not mine... However...

Considering all that, what I want is the three of us to be close. Maybe even kitchen-table-close one day, but that would be in really distant future if at all. At minimum I want us to be friends. What I don't want is completely parallel thing, and that's the way I feel everything was headed before the latest incident, but it might have been at least partially because of me... I kind of freaked out because of what happened originally, and especially afterwards, when Storm was so fast to go forward with the apartment and everything. So I pulled back. Hard. I didn't want anything to do with their relationship. I didn't make a big number out of it, but that's how I felt inside my own head. That's why I was relieved when it didn't come through in the end, yet anyway.

I've talked about this with Storm, and I'll continue the discussion. She doesn't think in terms of parallel or kitchen table or anything like that. She walks her own path. However, I believe she ultimately wants something similar what I want (in terms of KTP). But she's also very focused on trying out "normal life" with Sublunar. I guess it means living with him. And I guess that's ok for me too, as long as we remain close and our lives don't became separate entities. Is it ok for me to wish that? Am I breaching some boundaries here? I don't really know where we are headed. I can only act on my behalf, so that's what I'm trying to do now...

So... I reached out to Sublunar trying to work on our friendship. I think he really could use a friend, and I don't think there's anything on his side to prevent this. I'd like to believe that he likes me too, but we're not very close at the moment. I know he has his hands full with everything that's going on with River, and I don't think he has much energy to think about poly life, so now it's not time to focus on that. So I focus on friendship and trying to help him out. Or that's how my head is wired today...
 

patrolman

New member
Rough weekend. Again, some difficulties with Ghost. Was I the same as a teenager? God I hope not.

Storm spent a night with Sublunar, so they're patching things up, just as I expected. I'm hope they have learnt something and are taking things slow(er). I'm sure they have. That being said, I'm thinking about inviting Sublunar to our place, or have Storm invite him, just to hang out. Maybe watch a movie or something. I don't know. It's been a while since we have done that. Now that I think of it, it's getting to be close to a year when I first met with him. Time flies. It would nice to re-visit some of our old ways...

Watched some movies with Nettle, didn't play piano. I think I should start to take classes again, maybe it would nudge Nettle into wanting that as well. For now, she's not been that interested, or maybe it's just shyness of sorts.
 
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