Yeah, my wife is not an experienced poly person so that would probably be a rough first 6 months. Ugh, 6-18 months seems like way too much of my life; especially because there's no reason there won't be a new round of NRE when the old one runs out. I am not sure how much I want to be in NRE for that long! Here's a thought I just had - it seems like some poly folk are into poly because of the long-term relationships aspect of it; but others might be into it for the NRE experience. I don't mean to divide people in two distinct groups, but I can see how people could lean one way or the other.
Actually, all people, mono, poly or otherwise, are subject to the thrills of NRE! However, some/most experienced poly people learn to expect that hormonal rush, and to discount its power, knowing that, while it's fun, it's also scary and tiring, and can be very illusory about the actual value of the new partner. Not all initial compatibility leads to long-term compatibility. This lesson can take a while to learn. That's why it's best to read read read and learn about this stuff ahead of time, or in the first few months and years of trying to do poly.
Mono people get into making big decisions while in the rush of NRE. So often people meet, fall into NRE, and then move across country, move in together, even marry, buy a house, and have a kid, all before NRE wears off, only to then realize they do not actually love each other. It was all infatuation, social pressure, ticking baby time clock, the status of the ring and the big wedding and the lure of a fancy honeymoon and a new house/apartment/condo! And then they go on to live together miserably, or they split, incurring the costs of a divorce and child support/custody issues.
A benefit of poly is that you don't need to feel as compelled to take the relationship escalator to the top with any cute person that comes along, that is good in bed and good for a laugh! You can wait to ride to the top, or just get off at a lower floor altogether.
The part called "Sluts in Love" may cover it - there's a chapter on "The ebb and flow of relationships", but I don't have it on hand. I'm not sure she got that far. When I talked with her a while back about NRE, she said, "But NRE is a good thing!" That's about as far as it went. (That was when she was deep in NRE period with Poly, and every concern I had was waived away by, "We'll figure it out. Our relationship is strong.") I am going to insist she read "Opening Up" if she wants to proceed.
You both would definitely benefit from reading this book. Even if she refuses to read it, you could read bits of it to her, and discuss it. My ex h was not a book reader, so sometimes I'd resort to sitting in the bathroom while he was in the shower, and reading out loud to him lol. Captive audience.
Yeah, I can see that happening. And frankly, I can see it happen to me if I met the right person. That's one thing I'm a bit scared about - which may sound weird because it seems like a good thing to find someone you love/fit with more. But I'm not so sure...
I'd agree with what icesong said about "Love more." It's not "either/or," it's more like comedy improv: "yes, and." Sometimes your OSO won't end up as a full fledged co-primary. She/he might always be a fun FWB. You never know. My ex h came to love his new partner more than me, but he's got... emotional issues. We had a somewhat less than healthy relationship in many ways. It's a long story. Basically, he was just not really able to be poly. He didn't have the confidence or communication skills o romantic skills for it.
Sounds like a much smoother process than opening things up, unless both people are really on the same page. It's a consistent story I hear, that divorcing and "doing poly clean" - or "doing mono clean" for that matter - has a higher probability of success. I'm glad you found a partner right away! That's a great success story.
Yes, I am so so so lucky! I was totally expecting to date casually for a good 2-3 years, after a 30 year marriage. But the universe had a better idea for me. And I love her so much more than I ever loved my ex h. We just get along so much better in so many ways. Of course, our maturity levels helped. I was only 19 when I met my ex, still a baby! I was 53 when I met Pixi, and she was 31.