The journey to myself

JaneQSmythe

Active member
(***HUG***) - not as good as a IRL one.

There is no crisis - you don't NEED to make decisions right now when you are feeling all wiffle-waffle. Just breathe and take care of yourself for a moment.
 
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PinkPig

Member
I'm sorry, Tinwen :( I agree with Jane, no hurry. Take your time making decisions and be gentle on yourself. ((Hugs))
 

Spork

New member
I would suggest you maybe seek an activity that will bring you some peace and happiness for yourself. Something a little indulgent, if you can. And do the thing and enjoy it and have no guilt. If that is going to see a movie or eat somewhere or work in a garden or take a walk in nature, a manicure or a massage, whatever to nurture you for a bit and reconnect with your own spirit.

I think that the hard things in life, the stuff that hurts, also makes us grow. We get forced to work on stuff in our heads and hearts, and we get lessons and find truths, and so it sucks to go through sad and confusing times, still...good comes of it. I hope your path leads you to bright and happy places soon. Don't think so hard about the issues with others that you forget or neglect your Self.

*hugs*
 

Tinwen

Active member
Thank you all. You're probably right, there is still no crisis, although I periodically think there is, and that getting out is the only way to end the pain (though it's probably ending one kind of struggle... big part of the pain may be inherent to me and not the situation), and therefore I should do it, because you know, all that "get out of unhealthy relationships" stuff.

I would suggest you maybe seek an activity that will bring you some peace and happiness for yourself. Something a little indulgent, if you can. And do the thing and enjoy it and have no guilt. If that is going to see a movie or eat somewhere or work in a garden or take a walk in nature, a manicure or a massage, whatever to nurture you for a bit and reconnect with your own spirit.
Actually I am organizing a meeting for some of my old friends this evening, so I believe it will be good. Part of the reason I didn't sleep enough, I had to clean all the mess O:)
But I really might think about something more introverted for tomorrow.

I think that the hard things in life, the stuff that hurts, also makes us grow. We get forced to work on stuff in our heads and hearts, and we get lessons and find truths, and so it sucks to go through sad and confusing times, still...good comes of it. I hope your path leads you to bright and happy places soon. Don't think so hard about the issues with others that you forget or neglect your Self.

*hugs*
Yes, I am an overthinker. I do hope I can make this particular struggle useful in the end...

Off to the evening. I think it will be good.
Idealist is coming to, a little later, I hope he can stay overnight. I don't think there will be a discussion, and just being together usually helps.
Thanks for this forum.
 

Reverie

New member
Sorry you're dealing with tough stuff, Tinwen. I hope you can find the activities and the stillness that bring you peace. Most things are not "forever"—or even for our lifespan—and sometimes knowing the time in a certain situation is limited makes it even more precious.
 

Tinwen

Active member
sometimes knowing the time in a certain situation is limited makes it even more precious
That's a good observation.
I am somewhat better, the evening was great, the night was fine (we seem to be in agreement that there are issues we should try to solve, still no idea how of course). Just really tired.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I had a little epiphany. For just a moment I felt how being comfortable taking care of myself completely alone would solve the problem. No need to break up then, because ... no need to have a partner either, just a wish for shared joy. It was rather weird and it's long gone though.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Life has had it's up and down.
I produced my first (preliminary) scientific result in this work on Friday. Nice :) And then, I've been to a wedding party on weekend. Old friends who are now doing their phd on the other side of the world came back to get married, so they invited a lot of people. It was good, the bride was astonishingly happy all weekend, I talked to people known and unknown, drank like a bottle of wine (that's a lot for me even divided into two days) and had plenty of meat and sweets.
Nevertheless Monday-Tuesday I have been rather depressed for no good reason. I cant even identify a leading thought. Yesterday evening was with Idealist, he was supportive, but we didn't crack it. I'll attribute the exhaustion to the wine and suggar then...
Today I managed to go swimming after work, and meet a friend there, hope I'll be better tomorrow.

Relationships... there seems to be a problem everywhere I look. Even with platonic friends, it seems my close relationships from last two years all have a problem. But I know my view is all screwed now.
 
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Tinwen

Active member
So, a friend who went through a near-break up after infidelity in autumn seems to be successfully opening his relationship (I'm a little afraid it might be the kind of "don't fall in love" arrangement, but they seem to be doing well and non-conflict with one-time hookups and stuff, so it sounds good and fun overall up to now). And I spoke to one of the poly girls who went monogamous in autumn, and it seems they have a polysexual arrangement at the moment too (she gets crushes all the time but is not seeking a second relationship). So my "poly environment" is a little more optimistic now. I like seeing people do well and relaxed with non-monogamy.
 
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Spork

New member
So, a friend who went through a near-break up after infidelity in autumn seems to be successfully opening his relationship (I'm a little afraid it might be the kind of "don't fall in love" arrangement, but they seem to be doing well and non-conflict with one-time hookups and stuff, so it sounds good and fun overall up to now). And I spoke to one of the poly girls who went monogamous in autumn, and it seems they have a polysexual arrangement at the moment too (she gets crushes all the time but is not seeking a second relationship). So my "poly environment" is a little more optimistic now. I like seeing people do well and relaxed with non-monogamy.

I keep having SO many people come up to me and talk about how my polycule is so awesome and gives them hope it can work and we just seem to be really modeling happy polyamory to the whole darn community lately.
 

Tinwen

Active member
we just seem to be really modeling happy polyamory to the whole darn community lately.
I bet you do :)

Do you yourself know people who could be your role models, or at least another examples of happy poly relationships, in real life?
 

Spork

New member
I bet you do :)

Do you yourself know people who could be your role models, or at least another examples of happy poly relationships, in real life?

Oh yeah. There are poly groups in my community who seem to be doing fairly well, although I see a lot of splits and reforming of groups within the local pool of polyfolk. But growing up, I had an aunt and uncle who were swingers (I found out later as an adult, but something was always a little...different...about them. They had naked people art statues in their house for one thing.) And then I knew a girl from high school who ended up in a two couple/ two family quad with kids on both sides. All four parents were parents to all the kids and they rented two adjacent townhomes. It seemed to work for them for many years, but I've lost touch with her so I don't know if it's still working.
 

Tinwen

Active member
After thinking about all the things I wrote to KC about how I made friends (http://polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=330074&postcount=28), I feel very privileged to live where I live (and to be born in a well educated and reasonably ok economically suited family).
A lot of my social activities might not have been possible at all, if I lived in some rural area of US, or pretty much anywhere else in the world.
Instead, I live in a city and a country, where not having a drivers licence does not limit my mobility at all. I easily feel safe enough to go nights home alone by public transport, or even to walk. A city is big enough to have people with pretty any kind of weird hobby I can imagine. And I still get to the centre within an hour, even at nights. Not to mention there is complete freedom to hold an opinion and relatively high social tolerance to differences - it's safe for me to be out to most friends about polyamory for instance (though my mom would not be thrilled about neighbours or family knowing).

When I was 10 we would live abroad in a much smaller town. It was torture, I really had no one to speak to. I do attribute it partly to lack of skills, but still, it seemed no one was reading the same books (actually my peers didn't read at all), there was no chess club (I wanted to play chess),.. It was such a relief when we got back, I went to a good school, and I found the fantasy&sci-fi community. It took all of my teens and early twenties to get any comfortable around people, to understand how I can actively choose my friends, and to learn the basics of group interaction... and it's a process until today. I still get anxious sometimes.
I'm so grateful that I live where I live and how I live. Because it made meeting like-minded, weird enough, and tolerant enough people possible, even easy, and it enabled me to choose any hobby I wanted, and it's only getting better.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I wonder.
Have been talking to a guy online now for an hour, he sent a photo, he looks really good. He also seemed really kind and understanding. He stated in his first message that fidelity was important to him, so I asked what his definition was and explained about polyamory, and that I seek a primary while not wanting to break up. He seemed to get it, which surprised me.
I'm very much the intellectual person, scientist, most of my hobbies have been indoors and thinking based. He repairs bycicles and loves sports. (I usually discard those guys, because listing sports as his main or only hobby comes along with not being able to write a whole gramatically and logically correct sentence, but this is not the case.)

The thing I wonder is... Am I superficial to think a relationship with someone of (much) lower education and very different hobbies is not even worth attempting?

I don't want to sabbotage myself by setting an unrealistic standard. Sometimes I'd rather narrow my dating pool to scientists only :eek:, but I think it's unwise not to give a chance to anyone else. I mean, it's not possible to find a partner who has everything, right? And it's more important to have the empathy and love connection. But I fear if we can't share the intellectual stuff, it can't last. Is this weird?
 

WhatHappened

New member
The thing I wonder is... Am I superficial to think a relationship with someone of (much) lower education and very different hobbies is not even worth attempting?

I don't want to sabbotage myself by setting an unrealistic standard. Sometimes I'd rather narrow my dating pool to scientists only :eek:, but I think it's unwise not to give a chance to anyone else.

I wonder about the same thing, particularly because my ex-husband ended up having an issue with my greater education, and spending a lot of energy tearing me down. Of course, I believe he's a narcissist and sociopath, but it still leaves me leery.
 

Atlantis

Active member
No, it's not weird.
My exH had not been to college. When I met him I thought his street wise smarts were far better. Turns out there are only so many times that you can explain the plots of movies without going nuts. There were many other issues, but I have since sworn off those whose interests don't extend beyond their bbqs and sports.
I would also wonder at the motivation level. Is this man happy to coast along with his bikes and sports? Are you happy to coast along too?
Having said all that, I think you should still go and meet.:D
 

PinkPig

Member
I think it depends on the man. Neither my ex nor Blue have the same level of education as me...though both at least did attend university, or attain a lower degree. They are actually both fairly well read. And, I've known a few self taught men who could easily hold their own in a conversation.

For me, the part that seems to cause the most issues long-term, is when the man's income is not in the same ball park as mine.
 

WhatHappened

New member
I think it depends on the man. Neither my ex nor Blue have the same level of education as me...though both at least did attend university, or attain a lower degree. They are actually both fairly well read. And, I've known a few self taught men who could easily hold their own in a conversation.

For me, the part that seems to cause the most issues long-term, is when the man's income is not in the same ball park as mine.

This is exactly why I hesitate to say only those with similar education. XBF had dropped out of college, so lower education than me by quite a bit. But he's quite high in his company, in a field he loves, making great money, has artistic pursuits outside his work, and in general is quite confident of himself. So he didn't have that urge to 'tear me down to his level' that XH did.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Thanks, girls :)
I would also wonder at the motivation level. Is this man happy to coast along with his bikes and sports? Are you happy to coast along too?
Having said all that, I think you should still go and meet.:D
This is close to my thinking :D.
I've already experienced that the level of ambition and activity is quite important to match. I'm not among the most active people, but I would hardly maintain respect to anyone who wouldn't have interests and goals.

I think it depends on the man. Neither my ex nor Blue have the same level of education as me...though both at least did attend university, or attain a lower degree. They are actually both fairly well read. And, I've known a few self taught men who could easily hold their own in a conversation.

For me, the part that seems to cause the most issues long-term, is when the man's income is not in the same ball park as mine.
Self-taught people who became good in any field have my great respect.

Money is probably only going to cause problems the other way round for me, whomever I date ;) .

###########
Anyway, I've got the feeling that the dead end has revealed itself early with this man. He's just said he's going to spend his vacancies mainly drinking. I'm a good girl and it grosses me out X)
 
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Tinwen

Active member
Feeling absurd.
Men on kinky dating sites just so often want to discuss sex so early, like... imediatelly. I mean, I get the purpose of knowing overall kink compatibility before getting involved, but - I don't want to tell my preferences, let alone details, to someone whom I haven't even met, isn't it obvious?
I so often I get the feeling that men are there to discuss sexual details, and not to get know people.
Sigh.
 
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