The Polly Roller Coaster

Magdlyn said:
But it seems you got jealous. Ask yourself why.
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It wasn't so much that I was jealous (er, maybe a bit) but rather, I thought that they both had bad manners, and simply didn't give a shit.

I did voice my concerns with hubby a bit last night and this morning. He spoke with C about it on Skype. They agreed that they were not very thoughtful.

She had asked me what was wrong last night. I just didn't have the balls to say, 'You fuckers hurt my feelings.' Sounds lame, huh?

Oh well, onward and upward...
 
I can't abide bad manners and rudeness.

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Or else!

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or more likely

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Magdlyn said:
I can't abide bad manners and rudeness.
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Hehe! :ROFLMAO:

One of my goals in this journey is to help myself become less sensitive and to take things less personally! That has always been a challenge for me. So actually saying out loud that my feelings were hurt is doubly hard.

Do any other people have trouble with this style of communication?
 
PollyPocket said:
Any other people have trouble with this style of communication?
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Yes. I refuse to interrupt the moment and say "Hey, wtf?" or anything else. I let the moment go on, allow those involved to enjoy themselves, and bring it up at a later time, so as not to ruin the moment. But I have only had a couple times where this was an issue. It has happened more recently than ever in the past for me, though.

My wife hates that I wait till the next day. But I tell her that it would be rude and insensitive of me to interrupt their moment because I was having a personal issue. And so the argument goes on. But I usually come to grips with the issue, and my bad feelings ebb away, and I am fine by midday.
 
Ugh. So the day continued to go from bad to okay to worse! :(

C and I talked first thing. I had sent her a text saying that I was sorry that I had gotten pissy, and that I had tried to tell them why, but to me, in my mind, it simply sounded lame and pissy. She called me after that.

She went at me pretty hard before I hung up (eek), saying that I had to learn how to communicate instead of pout. She didn't take any responsibility, which drives me insane. Finally she sent me a nice long email, saying sorry for her part, and that we had to work at being better through this stuff.

All three of us went back and forth on email and it was warm and fuzzy. We 98% made up, then I pulled a boneheaded move and sent another unrelated email, detailing how our whole relationship could work better if we negotiated better boundaries/agreements between us. AnotherBo had mentioned that that might be the issue... she feels controlled by me, and I feel like she doesn't respect my boundaries.

Anyhow, the shit hit the fan! Hubby and C were both furious.

Hubby: Why would you send that when we weren't even mended from last night?

Ugh. I just thought that we were communicating well, so let it rip. C said that she hadn't read it and won't deal with it for a few days.

Meanwhile... no communication with me. Of course, the emails, texts and phone calls continue between her and hubby. So, self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose!

Mistakes abound. Somewhere the road must get easier, right?
 
Sorry to hear things have been rocky the last two days. Sounds like you've been sort of the odd woman out. That can be hard on your self esteem. It can really play on your insecurities.

When I feel like this, it helps me to get centered if I can remind myself of the things I really love about myself. I find the certainty that I totally deserve to be loved and desired. I think about times I've been a particularly wonderful lover, friend, or partner. I fill myself head to toe with bone-deep great feelings about who I am, and what I have to offer. I find that inner calm and confidence that is so sexy to others.

And once I'm feeling that calm, I get back in touch with my playful side. This helps me have the strength to roll with the punches and still come up laughing.

Of course, that's what works for me, not you, but maybe some of it will resonate. Hugs.
 
anotherbo said:
It sounds like you've been sort of the odd woman out. That can be hard on your self esteem... really play on your insecurities.

When I feel like this, it helps me to get centered if I can remind myself of the things I really love about myself. I find the certainty that I totally deserve to be loved and desired. I think about times I've been a particularly wonderful lover, or friend, or partner. I fill myself head to toe with bone-deep great feelings about who I am, and what I have to offer. I find that inner calm and confidence that is so sexy to others.

And once I'm feeling that calm, I get back in touch with my playful side. This helps me have the strength to roll with the punches and still come up laughing. Of course, that's what works for me, not you, but maybe some of it will resonate.
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Thanks, AnotherBo. It is hard to find any calmness this am. Anxiety is jumping through any space that it can find within my body, a three-ring circus of Brain, Body and Soul, all majorly twisted! :(

Hubby and C are at the gym together now. In 20+ years together, I think that this is the second time that he has gone to the gym without me. (The upside is that maybe he will go more often now! hehe) He sort of offered me to go with them, 'I am going to the gym tomorrow at 8:30. Come if you want.' But my normal routine takes me to the gym a bit later in the day.

I am trying to recite, 'I am okay. I am great. I am good. I love me,' but all that I feel is chest pain interspersed by a strange numbness-- I believe that is 'I don't give a fuck.'

Maybe some days I am just mental, but I was hoping that was yesterday and that all this bullshit would be gone by today! :(

And the real rub is I PUT MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION! Egad.
 
Polly, do you perhaps still feel disconnected from husband and C? Do you think that things aren't resolved and that is why the gym thing is bothering you?

I think it's okay to express that, and also that you're feeling out of the loop, from their off-handedness.

When my BF makes plans, and does it in an off-handed manner, with my crazy thinking, I wonder if he really wants me to come or not. I have to remind myself that it is my craziness.
 
Livingmybestlife said:
I have to remind myself that it is my crazy.
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No kidding. Some days I REALLLLY do feel CRAZY! You mention PMS. Hubby says that it is the worse that he has ever seen in me lately, despite all the extra B Vitamins and Estra Smart. The feelings of rejection are SOOOO amplified right now, it is truly VERY CRAZY. Any words of wisdom for that?

I had a heart-to-heart with Hubby after the gym this morning. He thinks that I am crazy too!! Who in their right mind would INVITE a third into their marriage, THEN allow 'falling in love' to occur, THEN refuse to go along with the break-up TWICE?? I have no idea!

He assured me that this other 'thing' is just fluff, that it is ME he wants to be with always. THAT HE WILL NEVER leave me. He thinks that I am actually willing to jeopardize OUR marriage by allowing this to continue.

From my standpoint, I am torn still. I WANT it all to work, but my damn determined DRIVE may be the death of me!!! Reciting 'let go let go let go.'

Ugh.
 
Polly, where is your crazy in this? Only you know. It seems like you want this relationship to work, the way you want it to work. When you don't feel 100% included you feel left out. You are 1 of 3. They don't seem to want the same relationship you do. Have you all discussed your vision for the relationship?

My husband and I have discussed it. He is fine being included and fine without. BF is the one who wants it one-on-one, so I have negotiated a peace.

Our communication issues have had to do with my relationship with my husband, and my BF's false expectations. The false expectations are no longer a factor.

So, what are each of your expectations? Are they expectations you can live with?
 
Livingmybestlife said:
So what are each of your expectations? Are they expectations you can live with?
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LMBL, thanks for the posts. Good thoughts. :)

What are my expectations? I guess the answer to that is that I love the fun that we have when we are all together. So, my expectation would be that we would continue to have fun all together.

C's expectations? My thought is that she wants more one-on-one time with hubby, date nights, etc.

Hubby's expectations? He just wants our marriage to stay strong and for all of us to get along and have fun.

I can see that if I keep placing control measures down to aid in my comfort, that I become less and less appealing to both of them, even though they try to understand.

As I reread this post, I see that Hubby and I are sort of on the same page, which is a good thing.

I am beginning to see a ray of sunlight flicker from under the crazy cloud! :) I think that probably came from Hubby's reassurance this morning. I know that he loves me long time. Sometimes I just need to hear it (over and over)! :eek:
 
Someone once gave the advice of a check-in system. They asked their partner, who was engaged in hot NRE, to have a check-in system.

It went something like this:

Polly says to husband, "What's the situation?"
Husband says, "The situation is I am in love with you. I will never leave you. I am in love with C and enjoying that."

Would something like that help?

It seems you get messed up when you're excluded.

Did you address the lie with husband from C? Tell him how it hurt you?

It seems like you need to clarify the expectations with each party and then decide what you can and can't live with.

If you're okay with hubby having a relationship with C, you need to not monitor their phone calls and Skypes. It seems like that is when the green-eyed monster hits you.

Perhaps what you really need to make clear is the lies are what do you in, because being honest with one person and lying to the other is something that causes division in the relationship.
 
TL4everu2 said:
wheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:d:d:d:d:d
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Not to be outdone in the 'Wheeeeeeee' department, it looks like the ride is back on course.

Thursday, I took a time out, and curled up with Hubby on the couch and had some great one-on-one time.

Friday morning, a bit of reconciliation between everyone, and a misunderstanding or two (just for entertainment sake! :eek:), and we seem to be okay again.

C sent a long email to us both. I tried to dismiss it, or ignore it, or something, but here I am at 3 am, up and writing.

It just feels like she gets to say ALL THE CRAP that is on her mind, and we HAVE to listen, yet when I have stuff that is on my mind, I am crazy. Her words, not mine. I really really want to put this behind us, but how? It is Saturday night in a few hours, and I just want to have fun, like we usually do. Hopefully we can, and my ignoring thang will work. I am not overly optimistic. Sadly.

More later...
 
I know from experience that the ignoring thang doesn't work. L and I have tried it. It just lets everything sit and fester. In fact, it makes it so that when you do explode, and you will, it is compounded about 4 times, depending on how long you've been ignoring the problem.
 
TL4everu2 said:
I know from experience that the ignoring thang doesn't work. L and I have tried it. It just lets everything sit and fester. In fact, it makes it so that when you do explode, and you will, it is compounded about 4 times, depending on how long you've been ignoring the problem.
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Good point, TL. Hubby and I discussed and decided this morning that we will schedule a communication meeting for early next week. Hopefully, just knowing that it is coming up will keep everyone good for a day or two.

I do know that things are bugging me inside, not so much content, as the feeling of being silenced, or something along those lines. I am hoping to exercise it all out of me today, so that we can dance the night away.

You know, the funniest thing through this whole thing is, when we are all together, drinking and dancing, etc., nothing bad has happened yet! Touch wood. We just love.

Wish us luck in preserving it this weekend. I hope you are having a great one. I am learning from you, my friend. :)
 
P2, I think we all learn from each other. But I am flattered that you would say that you are learning from me. I am so inexperienced I often think that no-one could possibly learn anything but martial arts from me. LOL.

I would be interested to hear how the communication meeting goes.
 
Ahhhhhh, weekend peace. I love it. I love it! Feels sooooo in the now. If there was a colour for bliss, I would be turning it now! :)
 
Going through a corkscrew today.....Uggghhhhhh.......WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Woah.....WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Oh nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oooohhhhhh CRAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!

LOL
 
Well, I am signing off. I don't want T to be held back from his friends here, and the advice he gets. He told me tonight that he feels like I am following him on here, and it makes him feel like I am keep tabs on him. That is not true. I just get to hear his thoughts better on this site. So to make him more comfortable, I am taking my account off.

Thanks to all who have helped and listened,
LT4EVER U2
 
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