the story of a secondary

[TheBlackSwede]

Just read through all this, and I wanted to say that it's really great to be able to read a blog from a perspective like yours, especially from someone who things seem to be going so well for!

I'm actually quite surprised that Eric hasn't made a move for sexual contact apart from Gia - if she's not feeling sexy, he must be feeling preeeety frustrated by now.

I'd also like to echo previously mentioned sentiments with a Liz Lemmon, "I want to has that". Eric and Gia are exceptionally lucky, and so are you.

 

[AnnabelMore]

If you're not careful, I'm going to slap my "Grannie J's Patented Mirror Cure Against Inferiority-Complexes And Self-Doubt" on you...

Oh, no inferiority complexes here, don't worry... I think I'm totally awesome, I really do. I enjoy my own company, I recognize my worth, etc.

I think I come off extra doubt-y here because the situation I'm in lends itself to insecurities. I love a woman who has a primary that's not me who she's devoted to and can acknowledge publicly to her family and co-workers. We can't begin to guess what the next year will bring for us. AND I've got this unrequited love thing going on for her husband! This is the place where I let out all of my worries related to these things.

I've been feeling extra secure lately, though, as it happens. Things have been good. I went on vacation for just under a week, and when I came back Gia had emailed me saying that she missed me and had been reminded of me while I was gone. When I saw her, at the beginning of last week, we had a chill evening together and then shared a lingering kiss when I left.

Her co-workers threw a surprise baby shower for her at the end of the week and one of them, who's met me before and knows that she and I are close, sent me an invite. I was a little nervous... once I surprised her by stopping at her work around lunchtime and she seemed kinda nonplussed. And she's not out to her co-workers about being poly. But I went anyway, and she was so SO happy to see me!! In front of everyone she was like "OMG it's Anna, yay Anna!!!", all surprised and pleased and demonstrative. The shower itself was totally cute, and Eric was there too.

So, all is pretty darn well on that front. Things are going craaaaazy in the rest of my emotional life. More on that in the next post.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Things have come to a head with Davis. He took me out to dinner Friday night and we had a big talk about our past and our future. The next night we had an hour and a half long phone conversation, and we talked some more today. He finally read those mono/poly articles I sent him.

He wants to form a relationship with me... not just the friends-with-benefits-who-also-love-each-other thing that we've been doing but a primary partnership complete with negotiated terms. It's been tough for him... he might seem like a liberal whacko to mainstream society, but to our community he's a traditional, monogamously-oriented guy with little to no exposure to healthy poly relationships or poly ideas. Since first broaching the topic of the two of us trying to date again he's put a lot of effort into coming to terms with the foreign-feeling idea of polyamory, and has come a long way in beginning to understand and accept it.

Like many guys, he's more comfortable with the idea of me being with another woman than the idea of me being with another man. He says that he can accept me being with Gia but that the idea of me being with Eric is much harder for him. I've explained to him that they're pretty much a package deal, and he says he is willing to keep an open mind about that.

But what about Harry (you all remember Harry, right? I mentioned him fleetingly way back, we've been casual lovers for about six months now), or any other potential male lovers? Well, that's something that Davis and I would have to work out if/when we have The Talk. The Talk is what I've been terming the negotiation process that will have to come before we can have a functional relationship. I say "if/when" because I am genuinely at a loss as to whether or not I WANT a relationship with Davis again... part of me really does, part of me thinks it's a terrible plan and will result in me feeling trapped. My biggest fear is that I'll have to leave him again and that it'll be just as hard the second time as it was the first time. Right now we are giving each other some space as I wrestle with the question of whether or not I am ready to have The Talk.

A bit of an aside, but very relevant... it's funny, I had thought that my sexy-fun-times with Harry were totally un-serious. But the last couple of times we've been together, there's been more and more of a vibe developing between us. I think it could potentially develop into something very positive and emotional, yet open (he's quite poly and has no desire to tie me down). Plus, the sex is soooo goooood.

Now that I'm faced with the prospect of having to set terms with Davis, terms that might need to include something like "no dudes except for Eric, at least not for, say, a year" I find that I'm pretty distraught over the idea of setting Harry aside. I have a couple of other casual friends-with-benefits that I've been hooking up with every now and then, and I have no qualms about the idea of cutting them loose, but Harry... I don't want to lose Harry. But if I want to try to make things work with Davis, I need to be willing to compromise... he's already compromising so much just by agreeing to try to live a lifestyle that feels completely alien to him (that is to say, dating me whilst I also date Gia).

Which brings us back to the question, do I even *want* to date Davis seriously again???? *sigh* It would certainly be easier if I didn't. Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I just said "no, let's not do this, it's not going to work." I wouldn't have to worry about trying to ease him into a place of greater comfort with Gia and Eric. I wouldn't have to worry about losing Harry, or about feeling confined when it comes to the potential of other loves. I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with Davis's crazy sister.

So, why am I even considering this? Simply put, I love him. He's a sweet, intelligent, competent, considerate, passionate dude. He has strong convictions, yet he's willing to be flexible and to consider other points of view. Moreover, we *get* each other in a way that's immensely valuable to me. Not many people can silently understand where you're at in a variety of circumstances, but he and I share enough of a vibe and enough history that we are almost always on the same wavelength. I hate the idea of losing him in my life. But I'm not so naive as to think that love is always enough.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Just read through all this, and I wanted to say that it's really great to be able to read a blog from a perspective like yours, especially from someone who things seem to be going so well for!

I'm actually quite surprised that Eric hasn't made a move for sexual contact apart from Gia - if she's not feeling sexy, he must be feeling preeeety frustrated by now.

I'd also like to echo previously mentioned sentiments with a Liz Lemmon, "I want to has that". Eric and Gia are exceptionally lucky, and so are you.

Thank you!! Yep, I definitely appreciate how lucky I am. As for Eric, I guess he must respect his wife's feelings as much as I do.

 

[TruckerPete]

I say "if/when" because I am genuinely at a loss as to whether or not I WANT a relationship with Davis again...

The fact that you're unsure whether or not you want a relationship with him says to me that maybe it's not a good idea?

That said, if you do decide on a relationship, why not negotiate for Harry? I mean, you're willing to set aside casual lovers, but you have something more, even if it's undefined, with Harry. I can potentially see how a mono person might dismiss Eric from "counting" towards your desire to be with other men, because he is part of the package with Gia. And then when you are interested in another man, the whole thing could blow up. Sort of like a married woman whose boyfriend gets upset when she wants to date another man? The husband was part of the package and accepted when they started dating ...

Also, when is Gia due?? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this!)

 

[MrFarFromRight]

Now that I'm faced with the prospect of having to set terms with Davis, terms that might need to include something like "no dudes except for Eric, at least not for, say, a year" I find that I'm pretty distraught over the idea of setting Harry aside. I have a couple of other casual friends-with-benefits that I've been hooking up with every now and then, and I have no qualms about the idea of cutting them loose, but Harry... I don't want to lose Harry. But if I want to try to make things work with Davis, I need to be willing to compromise... he's already compromising so much just by agreeing to try to live a lifestyle that feels completely alien to him (that is to say, dating me whilst I also date Gia).

Which brings us back to the question, do I even *want* to date Davis seriously again???? *sigh* It would certainly be easier if I didn't. Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I just said "no, let's not do this, it's not going to work." I wouldn't have to worry about trying to ease him into a place of greater comfort with Gia and Eric. I wouldn't have to worry about losing Harry, or about feeling confined when it comes to the potential of other loves. I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with Davis's crazy sister.

So, why am I even considering this? Simply put, I love him. He's a sweet, intelligent, competent, considerate, passionate dude. He has strong convictions, yet he's willing to be flexible and to consider other points of view. Moreover, we *get* each other in a way that's immensely valuable to me. Not many people can silently understand where you're at in a variety of circumstances, but he and I share enough of a vibe and enough history that we are almost always on the same wavelength. I hate the idea of losing him in my life. But I'm not so naive as to think that love is always enough.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.

OK, you asked for this...

Is keeping Davis on a no-sex, STRONG-platonic-love basis going to acceptable [to both of you]? You write that he's willing to compromise. And seem to think that that means that you should be willing to compromise as well. But what he'd be compromising on would be trying to come to terms with his feelings of jealousy and possessiveness and with the fact that you are a free person, who SHOULD be allowed to live her sexuality freely. What would you be compromising? Well, exactly what I've mentioned in that last sentence.

Frankly, it doesn't seem like a fair deal to me. Think about it:
He gives up fear and jealousy (and in so doing, grows as a person) - You give up freedom and autonomy (and in so doing, shrink as a person).

You're willing to give up the casual boyfriends. [I, personally would balk at that on principle, but it's your call.] Just remember that Harry used to be a casual boyfriend.

Harry allows you to be YOU and is poly-friendly. [AND the sex is sooo goooooood!]. Davis loves you but wants you to be somebody else. If you had to choose between these two, which one would do you better in the short AND long term??? Do I need to ask? [Did you ever read "The Princess Who Stood On Her Own Two Feet", or did I link to that wonderful story on 2 other threads? Check it out!]

A tiny little hug,​

your Grannie J.​

 

[nycindie]

Now that I'm faced with the prospect of having to set terms with Davis, terms that might need to include something like "no dudes except for Eric, at least not for, say, a year" I find that I'm pretty distraught over the idea of setting Harry aside. I have a couple of other casual friends-with-benefits that I've been hooking up with every now and then, and I have no qualms about the idea of cutting them loose, but Harry... I don't want to lose Harry. But if I want to try to make things work with Davis, I need to be willing to compromise... he's already compromising so much just by agreeing to try to live a lifestyle that feels completely alien to him (that is to say, dating me whilst I also date Gia).

Oh my lordy, why would you even consider doing that (give up Harry) ??!!

Your compromises don't need to be so bleak. Davis may have the right to ask for that, but you don't have to acquiesce. Your compromise might simply be limiting the frequency you see him, to find a way to include him in your schedule but -- why do you think it is necessary to give Davis so much say in your life? As I said in your other thread about whether a second time with the same person can work, it's a NEW relationship and you two are different people.

He has already told you he wants to be your primary, but maybe you don't need a primary. Maybe you like it just the way it is. I don't think it's fair for Davis to come in and expect to assert himself as a major part of your life after all the personal growth work and investment you've made with Gia and Eric.

Do you still have insecurities about your place in G & E's lives that you feel drawn to Davis more? As if it's a sure thing? Don't be duped by your fears into something that would squash who you are!

I said in your other thread that a relationship redux can work BUT I strongly feel you should not give up so much that makes you happy for an idea of something with Davis. You should not be basing your compromises on old memories, or the former relationship. He has to start all over again, just like everyone else in your life had to start at the beginning.

Please rethink this willingness you have to hand over the reins to Davis!!! It doesn't look like even a remotely good idea from over here.

 

[TruckerPete]

Okay, so Indie was firmer than me, but for the record, that's pretty much my view from over here.

 

[nycindie]

Okay, so Indie was firmer than me, but for the record, that's pretty much my view from over here.

Leave it to the Noo Yawka to come on too strong!

 

[AnnabelMore]

The fact that you're unsure whether or not you want a relationship with him says to me that maybe it's not a good idea?

That said, if you do decide on a relationship, why not negotiate for Harry?

...

Also, when is Gia due?? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this!)

Good points. A number of my other friends have brought up the "lack of clarity might mean this is not the right time for this" issue. And I certainly can try to negotiate for Harry, I just don't know if it'd be a dealbreaker... and I still don't even know if I want to *try* to make a deal, so... yeah. *sigh*

Gia is due in early July. She's GIGANTIC now, for serious. I can hardly believe that it's real when I look at her gigantic tummy.

 

[nycindie]

And I certainly can try to negotiate for Harry, I just don't know if it'd be a dealbreaker... and I still don't even know if I want to *try* to make a deal, so... yeah. *sigh*

All you have to ask yourself is... is Davis more important to you than Harry? Remember, you will be starting anew. Why not just take it slowly, with a few dates here and there, no negotiations or contract, for a few months and just see if you even want anything with him again. Letting go of Harry before you even know if there is something solid and worth rekindling (he's an ex for a reason, right?) might be disastrous and hurtful to Harry.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Is keeping Davis on a no-sex, STRONG-platonic-love basis going to acceptable [to both of you]?

I've asked if he thinks we could stay friends if we don't agree to date, and he can't answer that right now, he just knows that our current arrangement is no longer working for him. I tend to think that we would probably need to not see each other at all if we were going to end our physical connection.

Think about it:
He gives up fear and jealousy (and in so doing, grows as a person) - You give up freedom and autonomy (and in so doing, shrink as a person).

Yikes, I hadn't thought about it like that

You're willing to give up the casual boyfriends. [I, personally would balk at that on principle, but it's your call.] Just remember that Harry used to be a casual boyfriend.

I had actually been thinking that I wanted to cut back on the number of people I was involved with, completely unrelated to all of this stuff with Davis. It's a matter of time, energy and interest... I've been running low, and lately I'd rather just focus on the people and activities that matter to me most.

Harry allows you to be YOU and is poly-friendly. [AND the sex is sooo goooooood!]. Davis loves you but wants you to be somebody else. If you had to choose between these two, which one would do you better in the short AND long term???

Wanting me to be with fewer people doesn't necessarily mean he wants me to be someone else. I am very comfortable in a polyamorous state, but does that mean that it's integral to who I am to continue to see other guys? Not necessarily. I admit that Davis doesn't sound very good right now "on paper" since all I've talked about is the fact that he's having trouble coming to grips with poly, but he matters a lot to me as a person and we're very compatible in a lot of ways. As for comparing him with Harry, that's not really fair, as Harry has had a lot more experience with this lifestyle. And, hey, the sex with Davis is *also* quite good.

[Did you ever read "The Princess Who Stood On Her Own Two Feet", or did I link to that wonderful story on 2 other threads? Check it out!]

No, I haven't seen it.

A tiny little hug​

Awww, hug! I really appreciate the perspectives you've shared, it all helps.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Your compromises don't need to be so bleak. Davis may have the right to ask for that, but you don't have to acquiesce. Your compromise might simply be limiting the frequency you see him, to find a way to include him in your schedule but -- why do you think it is necessary to give Davis so much say in your life?

Well... it's looking like it's either figure out an arrangement that works for both of us or lose him. Some things I'm not willing to compromise on, like Gia and Eric. The rest is, at the very least, up for consideration. It's a weighing of priorities, for me. You're right that there may be other compromises available, I'm just not sure of that yet since Davis and I still haven't had The Talk.

He has already told you he wants to be your primary, but maybe you don't need a primary. Maybe you like it just the way it is. I don't think it's fair for Davis to come in and expect to assert himself as a major part of your life after all the personal growth work and investment you've made with Gia and Eric.

VERY good points. At least the first parts, about not necessarily needing a primary, and about liking my life fine the way it is.

As for the rest, he's been a part of big part of my life (as a friend, then as a boyfriend, then as a friend-with-benefits) for almost a decade now, so it's not like he's some random dude who just showed up and started making demands. And like I said, I'm not giving up anything I have with Gia and Eric for Davis's sake.

Do you still have insecurities about your place in G & E's lives that you feel drawn to Davis more? As if it's a sure thing? Don't be duped by your fears into something that would squash who you are!

I really don't think it's about that, but I can see why it would seem that way. Also, I'm really not sure that having some limits put on the formation of new relationships would affect who I am, y'know? It's just something that I have to decide whether or not I believe I'd be happy with.

Please rethink this willingness you have to hand over the reins to Davis!!! It doesn't look like even a remotely good idea from over here.

Well, no promises. I still don't feel much closer to making a decision. Ugh, why am I so bad at this?

 

[AnnabelMore]

All you have to ask yourself is... is Davis more important to you than Harry? Remember, you will be starting anew. Why not just take it slowly, with a few dates here and there, no negotiations or contract, for a few months and just see if you even want anything with him again. Letting go of Harry before you even know if there is something solid and worth rekindling (he's an ex for a reason, right?) might be disastrous and hurtful to Harry.

Ahhhh, ok. The thing is, and this might have been the source of some confusion in all this, Davis and I have been doing what most people would think of as "dating" for... geez, I guess a couple of years now. We go out to see movies, get dinner together, stay in to watch something, have long talks. Sometimes it's been more often, like multiple times a week, sometimes we'll go a couple of weeks or even more without seeing each other. We have sex regularly, and as of the last year and a half-ish we've actually been saying "I love you" to each other. It was something that he would always say from time to time, and I finally realized that I wanted to be saying it back, so I did.

On the surface you could say we're already in a relationship, but it's been very casual and undefined and not about romantic gestures. At times we've been closer, at other times more distant. He's known about my other lovers but hasn't asked for details before. There hasn't been any expectation that we get to have a say in one another's personal lives. We've determinedly been friends... just friends who hang out a lot and are physically intimate and say I love you to each other.

Now he wants to define things, set terms, formalize the arrangement.

The reason he's an ex... it's a long story. The short version is that at about the two year mark in our relationship, I realized that I wanted to be with someone else. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with Davis or didn't love him anymore, I just wanted to be with this other person very much too (an old flame that I hadn't gotten over, who unexpectedly came back into my life professing regret for leaving me... what is with me and my exes?).

Torn between two lovers. How very poly of me, right? Unfortunately, none of us knew how to handle the situation in a positive way. I spent a full year of my life agonizing over whether or not to leave Davis, and it broke our relationship. I wanted to leave and he couldn't handle the idea and just got defeated and weepy and "how will I live without you" when I tried to talk about it, and I couldn't bring myself to go. FINALLY I did leave and tried things with the old flame... it didn't work out but I didn't regret leaving Davis. At that point, the relationship had become toxic for us both. The difficult thing was that, through it all, I truly did still love Davis and loathed the idea of leaving him with a broken heart. There was just no other way.

But we didn't stay apart for long, even if maybe we should have. Davis and I started occasionally fooling around together probably not 6 months after I left him (which was 4 years ago now). It was like... we were a balm to each other, if that makes any sense. But it really wasn't a good idea at that point. At various times after that either he or I would say "Y'know, this really isn't healthy" and we would stop seeing each other for a while, but we'd always end up talking again and then eventually getting closer again.

We've both apologized to each other for the various emotional wrongs we committed against one another in the past, worked on our issues, and forgiven one another. I think that, as of the last couple of years, our friendship actually *has* been a healthy, positive thing for both of us. It's a wonderful thing to have someone in your life who you KNOW will have your back no matter what. He's my best friend, really. Even though he can be a misanthropic, obnoxious, stubborn bastard at times (just telling it like it is, he wouldn't disagree with that characterization).

So, is Davis more important to me than Harry? Well, yes. But... that doesn't mean I'm necessarily willing to give up Harry for him. I hate the idea of losing a meaningful connection with anyone just because someone else tells me to drop it. It doesn't feel right. And it WOULD hurt Harry, as well as me, to end things. Even though Harry and I haven't expressed it to one another in words yet, emotions are involved at this point. It's clear in the way Harry and I kiss, the way we touch each other, the way we hold each other, and the way we laugh together, that we've moved at least one step beyond being just casual friends-with-benefits. I would never stop seeing Davis just because Harry asked me to, never in a million years. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to do the reverse either. *sigh* Am I just being greedy? Do I want to have my cake PLUS three other pieces of cake, and eat them all too?

 

[nycindie]

Oh, it's much clearer now. I will stop harping on this question and leave you alone -- but I'm sure it's probably obvious that my vote is not to let go of Harry. I think there are other ways to compromise, in time and schedules, etc., without giving up a relationship that enriches and enhances your life as the one you have with Harry does. Why does Davis think that things have to change for you to be committed to him? I wonder if there is some sense of dissatisfaction he feels, which really should be addressed by internal, personal work on himself, rather than placing an expectation on you to change something... ?

He might want to consider that part of why the woman he loves is so happy and satisfied is because of all the people in your life. It would create quite a different dynamic in you and your life if any of them had to disappear.

Am I just being greedy? Do I want to have my cake PLUS three other pieces of cake, and eat them all too?

Nope, not greedy! Your description of the people in your life sounds quite wonderful and gives me hope that I can have something similar. And there is nothing wrong with wanting the whole cake!

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Now he wants to define things, set terms, formalize the arrangement.

I would never stop seeing Davis just because Harry asked me to, never in a million years. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to do the reverse either. *sigh* Am I just being greedy? Do I want to have my cake PLUS three other pieces of cake, and eat them all too?

Hmm. OPPs tend to set me off a little. However, it sounds like DEFINITION and SECURITY are what Davis is now asking for - like, not necessarily that he be your one number guy but rather that he at least be given an ordinal number (and he has requested the number one?), that he and you would both know that he has a place in your life.

Does it have to be stated in primary/secondary/OPP terms? Does he need that to feel he means something to you, that he is not just another guy you are doing?

If he feels very strongly about there being him and no other fellas, then it is probably just not in your nature to be with him on primary basis. I mean, he wants you to give him something you are not cut out to give. You tried to and failed once, right?

It's not like all pieces of cake are mutually interchangeable, and you are just being greedy and stuffing your face (well, not technically face, at least not most of the time, but you get the drift ). Do you think that now that you have Gina, the 'girl slot' in your romantic life is permanently filled up and having a relationship with another lady would just be greedy? That is why OPPs/poly-fi anything don't make sense to me. To me, the philosophy operates on a principle of 'I have people needs A, B and C, and they can be filled with generic individuals A, B and C, and once there, I'm done! I shall never need, want or desire another human being again!'.

 

[AnnabelMore]

*deep breath*

Well, there's a lot to share, so I think I'll cut it into chunks. First of all --

Gia's got just 2 weeks to go now and her belly is huge beyond belief. She, Eric, her parents and I will all be at the same camping event at the end of the summer, and she's decided to tell her dad about us before then (she's already told her mom, but her dad is way more opinionated and contrary, so she's held back with him). We've been talking a little lately about what things might look like after the arrival of the baby. It always comes back to the same thing -- that we can't really know -- but I'm glad to know that it's on both of our minds.

At the end of our last date, I left Gia in the kitchen and went into their bedroom to find Eric sprawled diagonally across their bed. I climbed in alongside him and wrapped my arms around him, slid my hands up the back of his shirt, kissed the small of his back. Gia came in and sat on the bed with us and we talked for a bit, then she gave me a few kisses before I left.

I feel like I've reached a new level of comfort with the two of them. Earlier in the relationship, whenever I was driving home from their place I would feel kind of anxious, kind of uneasy, like I'd left something important undone, like I was missing something. Lately, I just feel calm.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Davis and I spent a full week figuring things out. It was an exhausting time. I finally resolved the question of whether I really wanted to re-start an official relationship. It came down to this... I said to him -- "We've been friends, lovers and important people in each other's lives for a long time. The question now is, do we want to keep doing that, but with intention?" And the answer, for both of us, was yes. It felt so good to decide that. It felt joyous and simple and right.

The next day we went for a long walk and talked out the details. We delved into the background of things, the reasons behind our feelings, fears, and desires for the future. He accepts my desire to live a poly lifestyle but has a really hard time with the idea of me being with other people, especially other guys (he freely admits that having more of an issue with dudes makes no practical sense, but it doesn't change how hard it is for him). We agreed that in order to make this work we need to create a stable base of comfort, safety and familiarity that he can work from. Ultimately, the terms we settled on are as follows --

1) My relationship with Davis will in no way impinge upon my relationship with Gia. I didn't, at any point, pretend that this one was up for debate and he didn't, at any point, even suggest that he wanted to debate it.
1a) At such time as my sexual life with Gia resumes, Eric will be a part of it, but I will consider one or two potential limits upon that, such as taking intercourse with Eric off the menu for the time being. This one is not entirely resolved as of the time of this post.
2) I will take a break from all other intimate involvements (i.e. persons not Gia, Eric or Davis) until such time as Davis feels more comfortable with the idea.
2a) Davis will actively work on being more comfortable with the idea of me being with male partners, and we will re-evaluate where things are no later than three months from now. This one is mainly about Harry.
3) Neither of us will consider starting any entirely new entanglements until at least six months from now. I say "neither of us" because, as it turns out, Davis is actually interested in a threesome with me and another girl, so there actually is the possibility that he could end up involved with someone else, not just me.
3a) Davis gets to meet anyone I'm interested in before anything happens and wants to have some level of comfort with them (I haven't promised him a veto power, but this is basically that).

I know that what we're trying to do is going to be hard. It's already been hard -- sooooo many long and emotional conversations, so much difficult honesty. But what can I say, I believe that it's worth it. He's done a great job through all of this... not all guys are so good at processing their feelings, y'know? During the week of figuring things out, he joined me at a party at Gia and Eric's place, which Harry also attended. It was a difficult experience for him, being around my other lovers for an extended period of time, but he actually made friends with Gia and Eric, and was perfectly civil to Harry. Gia approved of him. That event was actually very important to my decision to try to make this work.

 

[AnnabelMore]

*sigh* Which leaves Harry.

Harry has been great through all of this, and has made it clear that we'll be friends no matter what. But, a) he thinks I'm making a big mistake by having a serious relationship with a monogamously oriented person (his ex-wife was mono), and b) he's upset by how abrupt this all was (certainly can't blame him there). I've explained to him as well as I can why I've decided to try to make things work with Davis and why this is a really, really different thing than his situation with his mono ex-wife (she was a bitch). I've also explained to him that I will absolutely not be making any deeper commitments to Davis, such as marriage, until I'm sure that he truly can be ok and happy with a poly partner (not that I'd consider marriage any time remotely soon anyway). He's accepted that, even though he still thinks it's a bad idea.

As for the abruptness issue? Yeah, totally my fault. I apologized to Harry and told him that my mistake was clear in hindsight. I knew that Davis was very important to me, and that he'd never really gotten to a place where he could deal with the knowledge of me having other loves, and so it should have followed logically that something would eventually have to change. But I ignored that fact and so, when the crisis came, I was completely unprepared to deal with it and other people in my life got burned (thankfully, there was no one else I was particularly close to aside from Harry, so there was no one else I had to have such a tough discussion with).

We agreed that we both care about each other, and that it would be better to take some time before seeing each other again. Our friendship was very sexual, and it would probably be hard to pull back completely right away. When we do see each other again it will be in a group situation, like a get-together at my place with my roommates. I've told him that I know I can't expect for him to still be available and interested once Davis has worked out his issues, but that I very much hope he will be.

I missed Harry a lot for the first couple of days after our long email exchanges and even cried over him a little once, in Davis's arms. But it's all faded significantly now. In the end, what Harry and I had was something real, and something very fun, but it wasn't yet what you could call love, and so I was willing to set it aside for something that definitely is. I know that it was the right decision for me.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Hmmmm, sooo, should I start a new blog with a different title now that I'm in a primary relationship? Maybe at some point.

Things have been going well with Davis. We've been spending a lot of nights at each other's houses, and I sleep better when he's with me. We aren't doing a lot of processing right now, just living our lives. I can't say that I'm absolutely positive we're going to make it work, but who can ever be positive about that? I don't know if I'll end up talking about him too much here as long as things are going smoothly... since the relationship is so straight forward, there's not much that I feel like I need to explore on a poly blog. I suppose that will probably change if/when we open things up more.

Harry and I have stayed in touch -- he's started casually seeing a new girl, I'm happy for him. He's going to come over for a game night at my house soon.

Aaaaaaaand, I have some amazing news to share with you all.

Gia and Eric had their baby last night, and both mother and child are healthy. It's a boy -- I've decided to call him Bee in this blog. I visited them for the first time this evening.

During my visit I shared food I had made with them, watched Bee while they showered, and just generally sat with them, talked, and helped out in little ways while they fed him, rocked him, and changed him. He's perfect, of course. His skin is so soft, and he's very alert.

Both Gia and Eric are exhausted, naturally. They've been sleeping in snatches of an hour or two since she first went into labor two days ago. Gia had some issues with tearing (very common, from what I understand) and is confined to strict bed rest for one week, and semi-strict bed rest for another two weeks after that, which will be really rough for her. Still, she's coping well and she has Eric there 24/7 to help her as well as various other friends and family members coming in and out to provide meals.

It felt wonderful to take care of the two of them while they focused on taking care of Bee. I could tell that they were both very grateful, especially Eric... he seemed almost a little surprised at all the food I'd brought them and all the stuff I was doing, though certainly not in a bad way. I think he's just had less cause to see my nurturing side than Gia has... and he's also less used to needing support than she is. He's normally such a stoic, independent type of guy, and now every little gesture is signficant to him because he could really use the help.

I've been becoming more and more comfortable with randomly showing Eric physical affection. Even though we had been lovers, there was a time when I felt sort of awkward doing little things like giving him a hug or nuzzle. I think it was because I felt so keenly the knowledge that I wanted him in a different/greater way than he wanted me. Lately, though, that reticence has been melting away. Tonight, during my visit, I communicated with him through touch (that's how I think of it) several times, laying on him, hugging him, kissing him on the temple, that sort of thing.

But what about communicating with him through words? I seriously thought about it tonight. I thought about saying "I love all three of you so much" or something like that when we were caring for Bee, but I didn't. Later I was in the kitchen getting ready to go and he was in the next room, checking something on the computer. I stood there for a minute, thinking about going in there and telling him how I felt. But then he found what he needed and went back to their room to sleep.

I feel like it's going to have to come soon, now. It's getting to the point that it's really bothering me to be holding it back. Hell, I started this blog more than six months ago and it was one of the first things I brought up then. I'm just so scared of how he'll react, I don't want to mess things up. It seems safer to show him than to tell him. But I've GOT to be brave about this, for my own sake, sooner or later.