The story of Spork.

[Spork]

I have about had it with allergy season. Fall is always the worst for me. It's like having a bad cold for two months straight and it really wears me down and I'm just...so tired of not being able to breathe. So I have taken drastic action today. Or rather, I have taken an "Aleve Cold & Sinus" pill...and I really don't take those often. They have a pretty hardcore extended release pseudoephedrine (the real stuff) in it and the naproxen sodium is also a blood thinner, which isn't really good for me with my heart condition. I save them for when I just can't handle my nose anymore, often for when I suspect I've got the makings of a secondary sinus infection. I don't think I'm getting a sinus infection necessarily I'm just tired of being so stuffy. So anyhow, by noon I'll be all wide-eyed and manic. When I was in my early 20's I used to take these things just for their stimulant properties, back when I was working lockbox at Wells Fargo. I wanted to be super zippy, running about and doing the work of several people, and they really helped me do that. Then I found out they were not really good for me to be taking all the time, so I almost never take them now.

I had dinner with Zen last night. He's not having the best time at his work, and he's thinking about seeking a better job after we get moved. He deals with customers, and is stuck in the impossible position of having to "make them happy" when sometimes they're just crazy or asking the impossible or determined not to be happy with anything. Methinks his employers could use a lesson in "my stuff" versus "other people's stuff." You really can't please everyone, all the time. But he sure tries.

He and I are both overthinking so many things about this move, and really it doesn't do much good, we're just going to have to get in there and deal with whatever is in front of us. I'm worrying about the placement of cable outlets. Getting adequate coax run through a house is pretty much ALWAYS a pain in the rear that I have to deal with whenever I move. There's never a cable outlet in every room where I need one. And if there is, it's a coin toss on whether it works properly and if it's placed in the most inconvenient location imaginable. And I don't really mind, dealing with Comcast, but I do mind the subcontractors they tend to send out for any kind of installations. Their own people aren't too bad, but when they take the lowest bidders and send out some bozos... We had some guys come dig up the yard to lay a new cable line, and they hacked through our sprinkler system once. I have a friend who used to do pro cable installs, and I'm seriously considering contacting him to see if he can come help us out if necessary, rather than dealing with the cable company people. We'll see.

Honestly I am just impatient. I wish I could go over there right now and inspect things in a lot more detail than I did the first time I was there. In fact I clearly recall thinking that I wasn't doing a very good job of taking a very close look at every little thing, and that I might regret that later. Oh, well.

I have creative ideas for various things. The packing continues... We go sign the lease tomorrow and we get the keys on 9/8.

 

[Tinwen]

I have taken an "Aleve Cold & Sinus" pill...and I really don't take those often. They have a pretty hardcore extended release pseudoephedrine (the real stuff) in it and the naproxen sodium is also a blood thinner, which isn't really good for me with my heart condition. I save them for when I just can't handle my nose anymore, often for when I suspect I've got the makings of a secondary sinus infection.

I use local corticosteroid-based medicine (like this one). Not greatly healthy either, but at least it won't make you manic. Using it 6 weeks in a year (that's one package) ... might be an alternative.

 

[Spork]

I use local corticosteroid-based medicine (like this one). Not greatly healthy either, but at least it won't make you manic. Using it 6 weeks in a year (that's one package) ... might be an alternative.

Well, I don't really like nasal sprays, they kinda freak me out...but I've been advised I should really consider them, as well as the whole neti pot thing which I have not brought myself to try, though I did buy one. Putting stuff up my nose just weirds me right out.

I'm definitely feeling all zippy, which is a side effect I don't mind. With the fact that I've got a thyroid condition that can make me tired, if I'm suffering any sort of energy imbalance it's usually on the "no energy" side of things. It's a refreshing change of pace to feel all manic once in a while.

I don't think I've taken one of these in over a year, possibly more like two. But right now I feel like I have a lot of stuff I want to accomplish, and being miserably congested AND feeling all worn out from dealing with this crud was just getting old. I actually have felt really good today, although sitting at my desk when I just want to get up and run around the block is...interesting.

On a completely different and not related note, I read something I need to find again that said that a significant difference in the typical male brain, and the typical female brain, is that a woman will normally have more chatter between the left and right hemispheres. More connections there. Which is one reason why men tend to sort of compartmentalize things more, and women tend to relate everything to everything else. I was pondering that perhaps, when a man is being emotional, he isn't being very logical, and when he's being logical, he isn't being very emotional...which might contribute to the thinking that women, on account of being more emotional in general, are less logical in general, when in fact we're just doing all of it at the same time! But that's hard to fathom for men because of how their own minds work, so they just assume that a women who is feeling feels doesn't have a lot of logic spinning out in there, too.

The study I read said nothing whatsoever about the brains of gay people, or trans people, or anything but your standard issue cis-het males and females, and I don't recall if the sources were extremely credible. So this is just idle theorizing on my part, not something I want to speak of like it's fact. But it would explain some stuff I hear guys say about women, that's for sure, as well as things men seem to think about themselves.

I've had to argue with many men about whether men are even emotional at all. You bet your ass they are. They just don't really THINK they are, or that they're supposed to be, because they guard their emotions and try not to let other men see them. If every man could see into the memories that women have in dealing with straight-male-kind...I think we end up seeing a ton of emotionality they don't necessarily show one another. And then there's all the fact that they think anger somehow doesn't count. How it is somehow weak to demonstrate sadness, even when it's completely justified, but not weak to lose control of yourself in a violent rage, I will never understand... To me, real strength lies in acknowledging what you feel while retaining control of what you say and do.

Anyhow. Just pondering stuff. And looking forward to going home and doing some more packing tonight! I'll have plenty of use for all this energy, then!

 

[Spork]

For cryin' out loud...

I was all hopped up on that stuff yesterday, and planning to go home after work and kick all kinds of butt on my packing and housework. Guess what? Yeah, no, I didn't.

It's an appetite suppressant and a half, so I didn't really eat all day. And I didn't feel like it. I got home and I had been starting to spin out a little, or so I thought, I had been yawning a bit at least. Figured it wouldn't hurt anything to try to nap a bit. Could not sleep but enjoyed the rest anyways. Then my Mom called. I'd been trying to reach her to share some recent news, and so we talked forever. Hours. By the time we got off the phone it was 10:00 and I figured well...I really have to try and sleep because I need to get up at 5:00. So I didn't do a damn thing! But I did get up this morning and get the dishes done and my bills paid before work. And my lunch break yesterday was productive, I got the cashier's check for the deposit on the townhouse, which we take over there today, and I unloaded a bunch of boxes into my storage unit that I had packed the night before. Some progress IS happening...just not always when I plan to do it, I guess.

It will all work out. I have Monday off, that can be a day for working.

I had forgotten how impossible it is to sleep when that pseudoephedrine is in my system. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I hope I can sleep tonight, but I'm not sure if it's the best idea to spend the night with Zen as I usually do on Friday nights. I'm so horribly congested, if I manage not to toss and turn all night, I'll probably snore. Allergy season sucks. Maybe we'll just spend some time, have some fun, work on his packing a while, and I'll go home late tonight so we can both sleep...as well as we're going to, anyhow. I'm certainly going to need to crash sooner or later.

I don't feel all zippy or manic anymore, but not tired either. Just kinda normal. But the allergy symptoms are back, too. *sigh* I'm taking Claritin, Zyrtec, sometimes Benadryl (only at night)...it's barely making a dent in my misery here. Bleh. *sigh* Well, this too will pass. As soon as it starts frosting and getting chilly at night, usually.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm sorry your allergies are messing with you, especially when you have moving stuff to do (which, for me, stirs up dust and makes my allergies worse). I would strongly consider the steroid nasal sprays in addition to antihistamines.

You are putting the medicine where you want it to work, there is little systemic absorption and side effects are minimal (some people report headaches or nosebleeds with prolonged use - but 6-8 weeks during ragweed season is usually not a problem).

Some tips for use - to get the most benefit with the least discomfort.

1.) Spray some saline nasal spray first and blow your nose (to rinse off the allergens and mucus so the medicine actually lands on your mucus membranes). You don't have to "sniff" when you do this. (People who can use a Neti pot can use it instead, but it takes more practice.)

2.) Hold the spray in the opposite hand and tilt your head slightly forward so the spray doesn't end up running down the back of your throat, spray up and out - like you are aiming through your nose to your eye. You don't have to jam the tip into your nose.

3.) Spray first and then just breath in normally. Don't sniff! The mist is fine enough that it should waft up into your sinuses. (Like you are breathing in through your nose while walking through a fog - little tiny drops, not big streams of fluid.)

If you taste the medicine right away in the back of your throat and gag or cough it means that you are tipping your head back and sniffing instead of leaning forward and breathing. Any medicine that gets to the back of your throat is in the wrong place and won't do any good - gargle to get it out.

Congratulations on your townhouse! Good luck with your move!

 

[Spork]

Jane, thank you for the detailed explanation on the right way to do the nasal sprays. Again, it freaks me out enough so that I won't readily turn to that as a solution even though others tell me it's the best one...but I might get that desperate. I'm coping ok today. This is something I have learned to live with, every August and September, for practically my entire life. No matter where I've lived, anywhere in the US anyways, I have had this problem. It typically peaks in mid-September and then starts getting better once we start getting frost at night.

I worked pretty hard this weekend. I have packed up most of my apartment, and put a lot of things in storage. Yesterday, I went to the family-friends' house where Ninja had been staying. We went through ALL of his belongings, and we threw out probably 6-8 trash bags' worth of stuff...we've got easily half a dozen loads of laundry to do, and we boxed up all of the rest of his things and put them in storage. All that's left is his furniture. And I think we're probably going to get rid of some of it, anything I'm not able to sanitize. The people in that house have an elderly cat who urinates on everything. Actually, they blame it on her being elderly, but they don't keep the litter box clean, so who knows, it's probably that. How anyone expects a cat to use an overflowing litter box I'll never know. So they have cat poops in the shower and on the hall floor and the carpet stinks of cat urine. And they also have a rabbit, turtles, and now some rats. What is up with people who love animals and keep getting them, but don't do a great job taking care of them? I seriously don't get it. I don't understand being perfectly ok living with the same cat turds sitting on the floor in a hallway for literally months. Old Wolf's family back in Iowa did the same thing. It's really not difficult at all to scoop out a litter box if you do it reasonably often. I can go a few days and it still takes less than 5 minutes, though I prefer to do it every day. Yeah. Peeve of mine, people who are not serious about being good pet guardians. If you're not ready to deal with the poo, don't get the pet. Jeez.

So anyhow. Probably going to get rid of some of Ninja's stuff. I think his desk and entertainment shelf are salvageable. His bed and futon, not so much. I'll probably just run them up to the dump.

I'm just glad we now have everything besides his furniture, well under control.

Zen and I got to have some good time together this weekend, too, went to the party at Voodoo on Saturday night. I wore my strap on around and everyone had fun playing with it. Like, in a silly way, not so much a sexy way. It's boingy. We had an impressive turnout. Zen and I got a scene in, and it was good to see everybody.

It was nice to have the long weekend, and next weekend will be even longer for me as I'm taking off Friday, Monday and Tuesday to do the moving stuff. I'd like it if, by the end of Tuesday, all furniture is moved, everyone's essentials are moved, and we're living in the new place. By that point we ought to be just moving our "fun stuff" in...the decorative, collectible, and entertainment items.

 

[Spork]

Well, cooler temps have brought some relief with the allergies...it comes and it goes. I've been working my butt off packing and planning and doing all of my son's laundry and so forth. I went to Home Depot yesterday, it was the most convenient place on my route home to try and buy some moving boxes. I was pleased with what they had, boxes of the right size for 88 cents each! But they also had Halloween stuff, and that makes me happy. I got a very cool throw pillow with a skull on it, which I'll be using in my decor year round. I was sad they only had one, to the point I'm actually kind of tempted to either visit other locations or look online sometime, and see if I can find another just like it. It was...a little morbid but not too "Halloween-y." While some of them had jack o' lanterns and "Trick or Treat" on them, this one had cursive script on a white background with an anatomical skull in the center and black roses in the corners. I'm kind of particular about my spooky decor. Keepin' it classy over here, and all.

I found a neat little website with a simple room planner. I can't wait to measure my bedroom in the new place...it is hard to figure out how I'm going to configure it without knowing the dimensions. I think it is at LEAST 8x10, possibly bigger but I can't know until I measure. I used those numbers as a guess, and I think I can get what I really NEED to fit in there. It's definitely smaller than the room I'm in now. We'll see how it goes. And I planned out the living room...I've got two clusters of furniture, and I can arrange them one way or another way, depending on where the cable outlet is. So that will work out fine, too. We get the keys at 9am tomorrow. So you guys won't hear much from me for a while...gonna be a busy time, I have Friday and Monday and Tuesday off, though.

 

[Spork]

The moving is going well. I love the new place. Zen is trying to get used to the noises of sharing a home with others, which is not easy since he works a different schedule. When we're getting up and moving in the morning, he is in the middle of his sleep time. So I've asked my son to try and keep it as quiet as possible. Unfortunately, the insulation between floors isn't great (though between townhome units seems quite good, we haven't heard our neighbors!) so even the sound of the cat running around can be clearly heard from Zen's space in the basement. I really don't think there is anywhere in the house that's going to be any quieter. When you're upstairs, you can hear all the noise of alarms going off, me fussing at Q to wake up, and people showering and such. At least he's only catching the noise from the main level. Hopefully he'll acclimate. If it weren't already much cooler in the basement, I'd almost suggest a fan or some other kind of white noise to try and cover up the intermittent sounds from above...

Well we have almost all of the furniture out of my apartment, only need to move my desk, and I plan to do that after work today. Then the rest of the boxes, and finally everything off the walls and then I'll clean the place up. I've got until the end of the month. And meanwhile helping Zen finish packing and moving his stuff, too. I'm sort of unpacking as I go, so that we don't wind up trying to live in a box fortress. And eventually the part I cannot wait to do, hanging up stuff on walls and decorating the place! That's going to be so much fun.

My sons have been awesome helpers. They've done most of the lifting and carrying...I really appreciate having teenage boys about now.

So Old Wolf is back in Colorado Springs. He pushed for a couple of meetings since he returned last week. One I didn't mind, he met us at the old apartment to help Q adjust and fix his bike. But he wanted...no, more like, demanded a "sit-down" with me, which I did yesterday. We met in the parking lot of a busy shopping center between the south side where he's at, and the north side where I'm at. He wanted to confront me about his paranoias and suspicions that I cheated on him and/or lied to him. I did lie to him occasionally. I did not, however, cheat on him. I didn't start having sex with others until we'd broken up. There was a man I hooked up with at one point after the breakup that I didn't tell him about, it was someone he knew, and he would have thrown a violent fit about it. It was an unfortunate and regrettable interaction all around, and I didn't want to remember it, much less talk about it. And at that point, he had no right to be trying to control me, or his friend, and it was none of his business--we had broken up months prior. Then there was the night in the hotel with the singer of GWAR, where he tried to creep on me and I shut him down. That was years ago, when we were very much married, and I did not cheat on him with Brockie. I told him the full truth of that situation, several times. He swears that he met two random people up in Oregon who say that Brockie was "telling everyone we had sex, and that it was common knowledge that's what broke up our marriage." Um...what? Brockie didn't go around telling random GWAR fans who he slept with. Like what was he supposed to have said, "So I banged this brunette in a hotel in Albuquerque last October. Just in case you wanted to know." And by the time our marriage broke up, Brockie was dead. So he would not have been going around telling people he broke up our marriage. I mean, these are people who don't even know me, or Old Wolf...none of his supposed story of meeting random people who know the details of such things is remotely plausible. I think he was just hoping to come at me with, "So I already know things" in the hopes he'd trick me into confessing something. But I went to this meeting with a calm heart because Old Wolf doesn't have any moral authority over me, no right to interrogate me, and even if I've got any sins in my past, I don't need to confess them to the likes of him. I didn't even get defensive, I just said that I'd already told him the truth, did not give a damn what random people had told him, and that he could (and I am sure, would) believe whatever the hell he wanted to. He's basically trying to find ways to make all of his hurt and misery my fault, and the fault of "women" in general. He says that the way I hurt him just confirms that all women are lying, cheating, betraying sluts who cannot be trusted, and he'll never trust any woman ever again. So he has to scrape together a narrative to support all of this.

He says from now on, no woman will be allowed to get "inside of his perimeter" emotionally, he will just look for women out to get laid and use them for casual sex.

Oh, and he's worried that because I am very social, that if I stay longterm in the same city, I might destroy his chances with any new woman he might meet and try to have sex with, just out of spite. LOL! No, his toxic attitude and miserable demeanor will do that. I want nothing to do with anything connected to him anymore. He's got nothing to offer anyone. He's a drunk and a pothead, a chain smoker, bitter and miserable and full of hate. He's one of those who justifies racism by saying that he "hates everyone equally" and he pretends to be half Native American, when he is not. He voted for Trump, and still supports him. He has no prospects or ambition, he's mean and ugly and spiteful. And still his inner toddler is throwing a tantrum in a corner because "nobody ever made him feel wanted." Ya know, maybe if you want other people to WANT you, you could try not being so awful. But hey. He's a "good man" and he has all the "honor, integrity and loyalty" and women have none.

Jackass.

He says he never wants to see my face again, after yesterday's meet where he dumped all his grief on me, that he wanted to get that out of his system and then have nothing to do with me ever again, except as absolutely necessary in the co-parenting of our sons. Fine. With. Me.

So we sat in a hot car, sweating and smoking too many cigarettes and went back and forth for almost 2 hours yesterday evening. I think I managed to make the point that for every wrong I did to him, he did wrong to me too, and sometimes to our sons, and that if you're looking for a hero and a villain in this story, you're just being foolish. We both did a lot of right and wrong to one another, but there isn't any point in all this "if I could go back, I woulda never married you" blah-blah, cause can't anybody go back and redo anything anyways. None of this matters, because we're DONE. I guess if it lets him sleep at night to convince himself that I'm the one to blame, then there's nothing I can do to stop him. And I really don't care.

As for our sons...I still wish sometimes I'd been able to hold off all of this chaos, manage their father, until they were grown and out of the house. But the wheels were coming off, and everything was going sideways no matter what I did. At least they are old enough to be capable of forming their own opinions and judgments about things, more or less. My Mom asked if I wasn't afraid that Old Wolf would "try to take the kids" or something...and I had to remind her, they are 18 and almost 16 now. No one is taking them anywhere, unless they decide they want to go. And if they do...then I'll let 'em. They get to choose their own path now, more or less. I don't think it'd be a good idea for Q to live with his Dad, and Ninja doesn't want to. The only reason Q would live with his Dad is that he always thinks the grass is greener on the other side of any fence from where he's at...I'd give him a week, he'd want to come back.

I'd really hoped he'd found a lot of healing, that he could let things go, and move on with his life. I don't know, he says that getting all that off his chest is what he had to do, and now he is going to try to move on. I hope so.

When I got home, I felt completely disgusted inside and out. Disgusted with him, with the fact I'd been sweating in the car and smoking, just thoroughly gross. So I decided some self care was in order...I ate, showered, had a brief (clean and naked) nap, and tried to feel clean and ok again. I really hope he can walk his talk, and that the two of us need never see one another again. ugh.

So anyhow. I'm finally back to work. Q is dropping one of the four honors classes, he has realized that indeed he is overloaded and this is going to be a problem, or rather...he wants a part time after school job, and I have told him he can't do that if he's failing classes. So he's stepping down to regular History class. We'll see if that helps his workload. Life goes on.

 

[Reverie]

If it weren't already much cooler in the basement, I'd almost suggest a fan or some other kind of white noise to try and cover up the intermittent sounds from above...

Rider has trouble sleeping through random noises, and Moss has really bad tinnitus, and both use a box fan no matter the temperature. You can put a filter on it and point it at the wall if it's cold (and I'm very sensitive to cold, so I'd be the first to complain if it made things iffy). The filter makes it louder, catches dust and cat hair, and somewhat restricts the air flow.

 

[Spork]

Oh! On a much brighter note, an amazing thing happened.

So Zen has this love of a musical called "Sunday in the Park with George." He is really attached to it on some pretty deep levels. We watched the DVD together at one point. It's the sort of thing I find very endearing about him. The musical is based around a painting, "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" and the story of the artist, Georges Seurat.

And I'm sure I have mentioned in my blog, my Aunt Jeanette...she was actually my Great Aunt, but she was the family member I loved and admired the most, a really amazing woman. She passed away in early 2012, and I ended up getting a portrait of her face tattooed on my leg. It's in my photos here on my profile. She was a bit of a philanthropist, and one of the things she donated to regularly, was the Cincinnati Art Museum. We went together many times. I had my favorite painting there, "Florentine Flower Girl" by Frank Duveneck. He was a favorite painter of both of us, she loved another of his works.

So the other day as I was unpacking, I came across a big photo album, that I had retrieved from Aunt Jeanette's condo before she passed away, but after she'd been put in a home due to advancing dementia. And I was looking through the photos, feeling very emotional, as there were many of her throughout her life, and some also of my Great Grandmother, and my Grandma, both of whom are also gone now. And I got to the end of the album, and in the last pages of it, were three postcards from the Cincinnati Art Museum, of three paintings.

One of them was "Florentine Flower Girl." One was her favorite, "The Cobbler's Apprentice" by the same artist.

And the third...there were only three...the third, was none other than "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte."

I'd never before, when looking through that album years ago, attached any particular significance to that postcard of that painting. I am baffled a bit that it was even in there, because the painting may have visited the Cincinnati Art Museum, but it is owned and displayed usually in Chicago. I could not believe I was seeing that. It gave me the chills. I ran down the stairs, I couldn't wait to tell Zen. He said, "I miss her already." And remarked that the universe is a spooky place.

Indeed it is.

To be honest I felt in that moment, that my most beloved and revered relative had given me reassurance that I can trust my own life choices and I am on the right path.

And you know...I am not a religious person. I don't have a clearly delineated set of firm beliefs, about God or an afterlife. I have a vague notion that there is some kind of a cosmic intelligence that encompasses everything that exists. That there is nothing outside of nature, because everything IS nature, and nature IS everything, and this is the sort of overall Purpose...the program that runs the great machine of not just earth, not particularly humanity, but just...everything. And that if you pay attention, this...purpose, or intelligence, will send you messages. If you have open eyes and an open heart, you'll get them. On the one hand, we are insignificant but on the other, we aren't, because the Purpose governs the behavior of the tiniest of subatomic particles...to the dance of the cosmos. To me, science is just more proof of it. There is simply too much elegance and order to it all. So while I'm not religious, and I think it's presumptuous to wrap these big ideas in fables and dogma, to anthropomorphize the idea of God as humans do, and to assign us greater importance than that of any other creature or thing...I cannot quite be completely atheist either.

And coincidences like this one, push my "someone is watching and sending you signs" button...hard.

 

[Spork]

Rider has trouble sleeping through random noises, and Moss has really bad tinnitus, and both use a box fan no matter the temperature. You can put a filter on it and point it at the wall if it's cold (and I'm very sensitive to cold, so I'd be the first to complain if it made things iffy). The filter makes it louder, catches dust and cat hair, and somewhat restricts the air flow.

Yeah, we might end up trying something like that. Fire has a thing in her room, it's a sound machine and it makes a sound that's supposed to be...the ocean? I think?...and to me it's overwhelmingly loud and annoying. It's too much. A fan is ok though.

Eventually I am going to have to contemplate a system to play music, one that will work well for the living room and one that will work well for my bedroom. I've rigged up various things...used my computer in my room, used a set of speakers with an aux. jack that I can connect to my tablet or phone or whatever in the living room...but I feel like I can do better than this. I'd love to be able to play some soothing mellow music when I sleep, I used to do that as a teenager.

But it's not a big priority for me at the moment. Zen being able to get some sleep, though, is. We'll probably try the fan thing.

 

[icesong]

I have a speaker we play white noise from Spotify on at night - it's a Sonos which was stupid pricy (we've collected the system over time) but there are lots out there that could do that.

 

[opalescent]

If you or Zen has a smart phone, there are many free white noise apps available. I'm familiar with the Apple universe but I'm sure Samsung phones must have options too. I use one called 'White Noise'. Also there are relatively inexpensive white noise sound machines - that way you don't have the air movement (and chills) of a fan or AC.

 

[Spork]

I am so tired and so fed up right now.

My younger son, Q, missed his bus this morning, and he had that tone of voice, that "I'm pretending I'm very sick" tone, I knew he was just going to ask to stay home. He said he had a ton of schoolwork to do that he was behind on, and if I let him stay home he could do it. But because I've taken three days off to move, and missing more work to drive him to school (being late) would have endangered my job, I was in fact inclined to let him stay home even though this is bullshit. So I told him this was bullshit. All he wants to do at home is sleep or play video games. Mr. "Hold My Beer" is dropping the ball, bigtime. I signed a form for him to drop one of his honors classes, and because the other teacher for the regular class would not take time out of his day right then and there, and told him to come back during lunch or after school, he threw a hissy fit and threw the form in the trash. His attitude is, "if people won't give me immediate cooperation on my terms, then screw it, I'll fail and it won't be my fault." I got on him this morning because he's got dirty dishes in his room, his stuff is not unpacked, and now he wants to skip school. I told him that fine, I don't have time for all this, and I'll call him in today. But he needs to work on his schoolwork and unpack and clean his room, and do it QUIETLY so he doesn't wake Zen up this morning. And not to ask me for anything until he no longer has failing grades in two of his classes. So he followed me around the house arguing that I was calling him a failure and a Nazi (words I never used) and just making him want to kill himself. It's his Dad all over again, but I struggled not to say anything to that effect. We probably made more noise as I was trying to get out of the house to go to work, than we should have, and it probably bothered Zen trying to sleep downstairs, and damn it...after dealing with my ex the other night and trying desperately to shake off the misery and stress of him, I just can't cope well with all this today.

Old Wolf has been talking about getting himself a place big enough to house him and Q, within the next few months, and damn it, I'm about feeling like Q can fuck off and they can be dicks to one another out of my space and my life. But it's like...I know damn well, they are too alike, they say and do the same kinds of things, like messing up relationships (personal and working) and then blaming everyone around them, and then finally saying that others are "making them want to kill themselves." All of this to manipulate whoever is listening, to drop everything, give them whatever they want, and let them completely off the hook for anything they've done wrong. But when they dish this shit at one another, all hell breaks loose. They are a pain in the ass apart, and they are a disaster together.

2.7 years until Q is scheduled to graduate, though at this rate, who can say? All I know is that he isn't going to get as much forbearance from me as his brother did. Ninja, I was willing to give extra time to, because he had no one parenting him for the last two years or so he was in high school...his parents were coping with divorce and his home was in chaos. Q, on the other hand, is making his own mess right now.

I am very glad that I have a discussion group this evening. I need time around people who don't fill me with stress and anger. I've been able to get a bit of time in here and there with Zen, and that has been wonderful, but we're both stretched a bit thin at the moment. He is dealing with work stress, and the moving has been a big challenge, as much as we're happy to be doing it, I think. Well, I can speak for myself. I don't know, truly, if Zen has mixed feelings, with the issues I have with my sons and all.

I need, too, to sit down with Ninja and help him fill out job applications for local businesses. I need to do that very soon. *sigh* Onward.

 

[Spork]

Discussion group was pretty good last night. It was nice to get out of the house and be in my happy place, so to speak. Something about the energy of the place and the people, it helps to reset me when I'm having a hard time. And while driving my car, listening to good music, that helped, too. Music is a big deal for me, especially given that I am not any kind of a musician. It alters my headspace considerably, and I need to make a point of using it to help keep myself happy. Need to figure out some sort of music solution at home, whether that is my tablet or some other device. I have speakers, just...I think I'd really like to get some sort of a little thingie that I could plug my speakers into an aux port, and plug a USB stick into the deal and play music off of that. It was a really good solution when I had my old van. I could so easily take that thumb drive in and rearrange my tunes whenever I felt like it. I don't like using CDs, and I hate having to have a screen lit up just to play music (like on a TV or tablet or computer for instance.) But on the other hand, I like using my tablet, because I can stream from Amazon Prime music, which I pay for a subscription to, so I feel like I might as well use it...

I forgot to tell a little story of something that happened during the move. I had told the boys one day to be packed up and ready to help me move stuff when I arrived home or something, at one point, and I get them moving, and Q, I notice, is moving boxes out in his socks. I told him to go put on some shoes, and he says...he packed them all. He packed. His SHOES. All of them. There aren't words. He had to take a minute to dig through stuff and find a pair.

Nimbus the cat is digging having more space to dash about. He was being a total spaz this morning. At one point, I sat on my floor to clip my toenails (had one actually break a little and was snagging my sock) and he came running up out of nowhere, jumped on my shoulders and bit my hair, then ran off.

 

[vinsanity0]

I have a Proscan speaker tower. It has aux, bluetooth, reads USB sticks, and has a radio. Cat originally bought it to put in the bedroom so we could listen to music from my PC that was downstairs. We got tired of screwing on the floor, couches, etc...lol.

It works really good and sounds pretty decent. I currently use it downstairs with my laptop and iTunes, or stick a stick in it.

 

[Spork]

I have a Proscan speaker tower. It has aux, bluetooth, reads USB sticks, and has a radio. Cat originally bought it to put in the bedroom so we could listen to music from my PC that was downstairs. We got tired of screwing on the floor, couches, etc...lol.

It works really good and sounds pretty decent. I currently use it downstairs with my laptop and iTunes, or stick a stick in it.

Thanks for the endorsement! I'm not really thinking a speaker thingie though...I have a set of Bose computer speakers that's pretty good. Like I can just plug my tablet into it and access either my music stored on Google drive or my Amazon prime music playlists... Or maybe a cheapo solution if I can find one, like even a little boombox kind of thing with a USB port. I'm sure such things exist. I'm not looking so much for high quality sound systems here, as a cheap solution to very conveniently access and play my music. I'll probably use what I've got (tablet) and not spend money on anything new. That is the most likely situation by far.

 

[Spork]

I have a MILLION things I want to be doing. I wish I could clone myself but simultaneously experience what all of my various Sporks were up to with the same brain somehow, in different places all at once.

Zen and I are looking forward to some downtime this weekend, time for us to reconnect, have sex (going a weekend without was not fun) and chill out after last weekend's major push in the moving efforts. But we still are not done, and we only have until the end of the month...it sounds like a long time, but it's only a couple of weeks, and time can really gallop along if you're not paying attention to it. I want my Zen time. I want to do social fun activities at the club, I'm even slightly bummed we aren't going to a big kink event in Denver on Saturday, that the club has been promoting and will have a presence in...and I want also to be working on moving, unpacking, decorating. I want to make our home awesome, and invite friends over to see us in it. I want to run to the store...but I don't, because I want to not spend money. I want a lot of things, and sometimes they are mutually exclusive and contradictory. Balance...balance...always looking for balance. And I am hungry. I eat a lot less when I'm stressed, and I've been extremely stressed in the last week. I'm kinda mentally all over the place at the moment. I want sex, food, sleep, activity, stimulation, and exercise, work and play, all at once, and I can't do any of it until I get off work. And the clock is soooo sloooowww.....

OK well, the official plan is that I'm gonna stop at the store, head home, Zen and I will go eat and then go to Game Night, play some Fibbage (yay!!) and then come home, probably go to sleep and wake up and get some sexytime in, maybe run a load of stuff from his place, and take it easy, rest and sex and whatever, I imagine I won't be able to resist unpacking some boxes...but we're not planning to attend the party at Voodoo or the event in Denver tomorrow night. I do have to run down to the friend's house that Ninja was staying with tomorrow, but not for very long.

Sunday I have two possible conflicting events to consider in the evening. There is our friend's hypnosis group, which Fire and Hefe will be going to, I know. I prefer that for the people who will be there, generally. The subject matter, I still have some ambivalence toward. Then there's a meeting set up by the former club owner, a woman I really liked a great deal and admired...she is calling it a "fringe-dweller's discussion group" and there's at least one maybe-attendee I would not mind seeing, or two. The subject matter will be more to my liking. However, I'm a little...I dunno, miffed isn't even quite the word...feeling snubbed, I guess, by her. Because we had that tea date set up and I drove all the way down there, and she had forgotten completely about it, in dealing with another community member and a situation. Not an emergency, but something she'd felt slighted over. And she said we should totally set up for another time, but has not reached out to me since, and I am feeling...very unimportant, to her. I mean I guess I get it, I'm not in anybody's "leather family" and I haven't committed to a lot of things. Just feeling relatively nobody-ish.

Interestingly, Fire had mentioned to me the possibility of getting together this week, and we were in theory going to reconnect about it the other day, Tuesday or Wednesday, I can't remember...and I didn't hear from her, and wound up meeting up with Old Wolf (ugh) instead. Saw after that a thank you from another person directed her way, for helping cope with something, and this was the same person that tea-date lady blew me off for. Twice now people I felt close to chose to spend time with this other person instead of me. Not helping is the very personal fact that I compare my body quite unfavorably against the recent sight of her unclothed. This is all completely petty, of course. But I am acknowledging to myself, my feelings on these things. I got in such a habit of always brushing it aside when I felt slighted or hurt, or rendered insignificant by others, like I had no right to have any feelings whatsoever if they were not perfectly charitable and kind and self-effacing. Not that I wish to go entirely the other direction and be spiteful or carry grudges. I just want to...acknowledge that I feel things. I guess.

And truly, I have no animosity, over the woman my friends chose to spend time with over me, and whose body is pretty in ways mine is not. For one thing she carries a burden of chronic pain and fibro and mental health struggles, which I see as incredibly common among women I know. Like I swear I know more women who have serious ongoing health difficulties, than not. So being (for now at least) generally in decent health, despite some things here and there, at least not debilitated by anything, I have to feel fortunate and count my blessings.

Although this week I was at times not feeling entirely ok, but I didn't feel like reaching out for any kind of support because I just haven't felt like I have time. I'm emotionally bruised and drained still from dealing with Old Wolf and to some extent, my kid. I'm exhausted and aching from all the moving. My allergies are still trying my sanity and patience. And I keep getting dizzy. Like serious dizzy spells where I feel like I'm tumbling off the edge of the world dizzy. I don't know if this is a blood sugar problem, a dehydration problem, a thyroid problem, a sinus problem or even a smoker problem. But it scares me. It came over me when I was at the top of the steps moving a heavy piece of furniture the other night, and I was lucky I was in just the right place to set it down and lean against the wall.

It is the same goddamn thing I've struggled with much of my life. Like, I don't always feel super strong and capable but I don't feel like I have time to be anything else. There is just too much to do...so I ignore whatever issue I have and try to push forward, but damn it's hard.

Zen might have to tie me down to get me to relax this weekend. Maybe he should, I don't know. But I don't merely need to physically rest, I need to be distracted from my head full of things needing doing. Like forcibly distracted and diverted, I think, for a bit.

 

[Tinwen]

And I keep getting dizzy. Like serious dizzy spells where I feel like I'm tumbling off the edge of the world dizzy. I don't know if this is a blood sugar problem, a dehydration problem, a thyroid problem, a sinus problem or even a smoker problem. But it scares me.

Spork, it could also be sheer exhaustion. When it happens to me, I usually get sick within a week or so. You sound like you could use a break too.

 

[Magdlyn]

Sounds like malnourishment and dehydration.