The story of Spork.

[Spork]

I did not take any chances with the snow, though it amounted to nothing which I suspected it would. I guess when it comes to optional events that I haven't promised anyone I'd attend, it's a lot easier for me to skip 'em like that. I ended up needing to give my son's...friend girl?...a ride home. His former, on-again, off-again, currently not-girlfriend person. They have been devouring their way through Game of Thrones episodes in my living room.

Didn't get much else accomplished, and I was sad to have fallen asleep before Zen came home, but he was closing and when that is the case there's no way to be sure when he'll be home, so if I get really sleepy, I just go to bed. I'll get some time with him tonight and tomorrow.

Nothing much going on otherwise.

 

[Spork]

It was a good weekend. I didn't get as much done in terms of housework, art, or other projects at home, as I might have...but it was very relaxing, and I got to really enjoy a lot of good Zen time. Sex between us is still so, so good. It amazes me sometimes that I had so little idea of how fantastic sex COULD be.

There are a number of activities we still need to re-engage with following our move, I feel like we've still been trying to find our new normal to some degree, with so much change in our lives. But we aren't lacking for love and enjoyment of one another, just have yet to put some of our toys and kinks back into play.

We went to a Halloween party with the boys on Saturday night. It wasn't really that great. I half-wished that I'd excused us from it, but it was a good thing to show up and touch base a little with some neglected friends. I owe these people quite a lot, as the man of that family was the one who stayed at my place the night Old Wolf blew up at me and threatened me at gunpoint, he bore witness and made sure my ex didn't kill me more or less, and later when Old Wolf ran off to Oregon for a time, my older son Ninja lived down there with their family. Well they have a neighbor who does a big Halloween production every year, with a bit of a scary "haunted house" style maze thing through her yard, and I have to admit that their setup was impressive. But it was unpleasantly chilly to be standing around attempting awkward conversation with people I barely knew. And the ones I did know, went home early for the most part. For whatever reason, their sons weren't feelin' it and the man of the family was in some pain from his back problems or whatever, and that left the Mom, who is a bit awkward to begin with because she's got some mental issues, for which she is usually pretty heavily medicated. She's sweet, just not exactly...normal.

Well. We took some enchiladas down there, stayed long enough to seem polite, then went home.

Yesterday the boys and I carved pumpkins. It was the last warm day before a cold weather system hit this morning, so we sat out in the warm fall sunshine and worked on them for a few hours. I need to get some pictures. It was good to spend time with my sons, though sitting on the ground made my back hurt eventually. I have the same problem when I work on almost any kind of an art project, I rarely have a better option than setting up on the floor or the ground, and I usually wind up with a fair amount of aches and pains.

And I've had the strangest thing, there is one muscle, one spot, just to the right of my spine in the middle of my back, that has started a peculiar sort of acting up, when I do practically anything like housework or artwork or whatever...when I am active, basically, unless I'm just walking or sitting or lying down. First it gets numb and tingly, then it burns, then it aches. I don't know what its problem is. It's a fussy muscle. I guess we all get our weird particular aches and pains as we get older.

 

[Spork]

Well we had some snow and ice on the ground this morning, and a lot of fog. There were apparently accidents all over town, so I left early and drove cautiously to work, but the roads I encountered were pretty much just wet.

In the midst of those worries, I forgot/didn't care about Halloween. There is a costume contest at work and for the first time I'm not even trying, I'm just wearing warm clothes.

Guess I could pull a Wednesday Addams if asked, and say "I'm a serial killer. They look just like everybody else." At least I'm pretty sure she said that in one of the films... I need to watch those again. Maybe tonight while we hand out candy. At least my younger son can be comforted by the fact that if he were trick or treating, he'd be freezing his butt off.

I think the early taste of winter weather just has me wanting to curl up in a comfy chair with a blanket and hot chocolate and be quiet and warm and happy. I'm not inclined to bestir myself for anything much more exciting than that, today. Though in typical Colorado fashion, it's supposed to warm up into the 70's within the next day or two.

 

[Spork]

Well, Halloween was uneventful to the point of being kind of a bummer, especially where Ninja was concerned. I ordered pizza for Q and we watched movies together and I handed out candy. Ninja had plans to meet up with his friend-girl but they fell through. So there he was in his costume waiting for the ride to show up and pfft...nothin'. He asked me if I'd be willing to go pick her up and drop them off in the fancy neighborhood for trick or treating, but for crying out loud we're talking about a pair of 18 year olds, and it was almost 8pm and cold already. I was not really feelin' like driving and getting her, dropping them, and then finding them and taking her home and bringing him home was something I wanted to do, and it would have taken me away from his younger brother, who does need my time...I said no. So Ninja went back up to his room, took off his costume, and got on his computer and just didn't do anything. He could have spent time watching movies with us, but he didn't want to. *shrug* We didn't even get a whole lot of trick or treaters. I have, at least, plenty of candy left for the boys to munch on.

This in contrast to the Halloweens we've had in the past, involving great expense and effort, where I decorated the heck out of the house and spent hundreds on whatever the kids wanted from the Halloween stores and it was a big huge production... But those enormous holiday efforts left me feeling so very tired and unappreciated, like I did everything for everybody and it just wasn't fun anymore. It was work. A lot of work. And I don't have the money to spend that I used to. So I dunno. I'm trying to find ways to celebrate holidays that neither cost a fortune, nor leave me feeling that way, but it seems if I don't do the things no one else will. At least I can do them a little more low-key than I have in the past. Maybe one day my enthusiasm will return, I dunno.

And I find myself also unenthusiastic about GWAR stuff, as I think I've talked about in the past. Everything from inability to care and unwillingness to engage in the gossip and drama of the various post-Dave factions who still argue over his estate and the lamentable fact that he has no proper resting place...his cremated remains are in a cardboard box in the band's workshop, for the most part, though a plot was purchased in a famous cemetery in Richmond... Now the guitarist, Mike Derks, has a sort of bone marrow cancer that is probably going to kill him. He's trying to get transplants, and he might recover, but given how things have gone with the band... This will likely be his last tour. I know I should go, but it's hard to muster the will to do it. There has been so much sadness already. The drummer is not well liked, though he's an old member...the singer came back from his career in academia and frankly I think he's just too gentle a soul to be really truly a part of GWAR, though he was with them in the early days...the bassist is a replacement, the lead guitarist is a replacement...and now this with Derks. And for all that Derks hid himself from the limelight in many ways, his guitar work really does a lot to define "what GWAR sounds like." When he's gone, it really won't be the same band at all without him.

I'll still enjoy decorating with my memorabilia, but at this point it's just memories. If I go, later this month, to their show, it will only be because I want to see Derks on stage one last time. I haven't even bought their new album, though I probably will eventually.

So what AM I enthusiastic about? Increasingly, that is home and family. It's Zen, it's my kids, it's the home we all share. I want to do as right as I can by my kids, because the last few years they haven't had enough from me. I want to enjoy my home. I want to nurture my connection with Zen and bring him as much happiness as I can. And I want to make art. So.

I'm kind of pulling inward a bit. Doesn't mean I don't want connections with my friends, I just wish they could come to me a little more than they do, but at the same time, I haven't specifically set up a day and time and invited anyone, so I cannot blame anybody that they haven't made it out to see me. I always feel like I have things going on, or the potential for work to keep me busy, and I have this presumptive feeling that they are all too busy and don't want to come see me, surely it is very inconvenient, so I let it lie. Time passes. Life is fairly quiet. Not sure that's a bad thing.

 

[Spork]

I got an invite out to dinner to say goodbye to our dear friend Reecy, who is heading to the west coast this morning, first up north and later to LA. She's one of my favorite humans. It was wonderful to see her and she will be missed. But we will meet again. She's a wandering soul, as sad as I am to part ways, I'm also really happy for her because new adventures await...she is being her own true self, and leaving is part of that for her. She has a song called, "Leaver" (Everyone loves a leaver, darling, just tell 'em you're getting out of town...) that kinda sums it up. She's a leaver. But it's cool.

So Fire and Hefe were at the dinner, and the guy I like to call Spooky was, too, and he brought his girlfriend's 10 year old daughter which was a little odd for such adult company, but hey...whatever. Spooky was a funny small world person, because he'd caught my eye on OK Cupid back in 2015 and I talked to him online a while, but ultimately rejected the notion of any sex or dating...on paper, because he was too young. Also though, because he is too pretty, and for some reason that puts me off a bit. There seems to be a threshold of physical beauty that feels comfortable to me, and super pretty men in particular...I just can't. For me specifically there is such a thing as being good looking enough to be unattractive to me, odd as it may sound to some. He resembles the musician Voltaire a little bit. But more significantly still, he is no sadist. I've come to really value compatibility in that area, and when we were talking, back in 2015, it was the only need I was still trying to fill...and he wasn't it. Whether he ever felt any dismay over that, I never got to know him well enough to find out. But then later on, he showed up as an intern at my office for a while, and that was pretty funny to me. And then Reecy found him, I guess on OK Cupid, and then noticed we were Facebook friends, and wanted to know if I had any thoughts on him. Which amounted to "I barely know him, but he is pretty, no?" And there was something between them, but I think it was fairly casual. Still, there he was last night. I guess he's in a band these days. Maybe I'll go see them play sometime, always good to support the local talent.

Well I had more words last night with the boy than I'd had the sum total of previous encounters, as we chatted about music a bit, and the Pacific Northwest, which he plans to visit. He opined that he might be happy moving up there, and I frankly think he would fit in perfectly in Seattle.

And it was great to see Fire and Hefe again, they have been away traveling a lot this last month. I want and need more Fire time in my life. I have truly enjoyed the times we've spent just the two of us and our conversations, I value her thoughts very highly and she has such a lovely spirit. I should perhaps put out to the ladies in my social groups that I would really like to be invited to some of the "girl night" get togethers they sometimes do. I might not always be able to make it, but I sure would like to try. Really last night, time with friends...I needed it more than I'd reckoned.

Perhaps in my feeling that I have other things I must do and my friends are all busy and I shouldn't reach out though I do love them and long for their company, is a bit of self-indulgent sulking and negative self-talk, which sneaks into my mind at times. It is far too easy for me to feel like people just don't really want to hang out with me, in some cases more than others, and just hide and mope behind that and feel at least a little sorry for myself, and a bit of a sour grapes, "Fine then" thing. Certainly that has been the case with the former club owner who stood me up for tea. I mean, I told her it was fine and all, but it hurt my feelings a little and yet I don't want to say anything to her because it seems so petty to have hurt feelings over something like that. So. Also I feel pretty boring these days, and the cooler temps do bring about a slightly hibernatory feeling, an urge to curl up with a warm blanket and a good book. So...it's all that stuff.

But having jumped at the chance to accept an invite and go out with friends last night, and remembering how very much I enjoyed spending time with them, it leaves me feeling like, "Wtf is wrong with me? Why on earth am I not doing such things more often?"

 

[Spork]

Wow, I must have needed some extra sleep last night... I didn't get much done, and there were sure things I'd meant to accomplish, but a nap turned into a long night's sleep. At least I'm rested, I guess.

Got a full weekend ahead. Zen is working tonight, so I'm going to First Fridays down at the club, then we have a party tomorrow night, then Sunday I have plans to go help a friend get ready for surgery by doing some cooking of casserole type stuff to be heated up, and cleaning. And possibly trying to get to a discussion group thing held by the former club management lady...I have not seen her in a long time.

A funny point in our conversation at the dinner the other night, was when Reecy was talking about how she found Spooky on social media and they only had me in common as a friend, and it was like I was some sort of social lynchpin or something. Fire said that was pretty typical really...and I found an excellent way to put it, "Yes, I BARELY know a LOT of people." That's pretty much it. That's the crux of it really, Zen says everybody likes me and I'm popular, but the problem is that most people I know have a few really close friends. People they call to talk to or who they feel comfortable leaning on and are there for when needed and all. I have a really hard time doing those kinds of "real" friendships. Superficial acquaintance, that's easy. I can do that with hundreds of people. But I've been feeling for a long time that I need to work out how to do that more focused energy in building strong ties with some few.

Balance. Always looking for balance.

Well anyhow, back to weekend plans and what not. Got sidetracked pondering the folks I might be interacting with over the weekend with all of these "out" plans. I truly need to make sure that Zen and I get some good blocks of time for sex though because I've been needing him this week. Not in a sad, lonely, or clingy "needing snuggles" sort of way, but in a keyed up, head full of filthy fantasies, craving stimulation kind of way.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

...I found an excellent way to put it, "Yes, I BARELY know a LOT of people." ... Superficial acquaintance, that's easy. I can do that with hundreds of people. But I've been feeling for a long time that I need to work out how to do that more focused energy in building strong ties with some few."

People are different (which is good). Some people have loads and loads of "friends" which would not even register in my mind. I have, maybe, a dozen casual friends (that I was close to growing up or in school) that I like to touch base with occasionally and another dozen family members I keep tabs on. My limit for "close" appears to be about 3 to 5 (including my partners) at any given point in time.

 

[Spork]

People are different (which is good). Some people have loads and loads of "friends" which would not even register in my mind. I have, maybe, a dozen casual friends (that I was close to growing up or in school) that I like to touch base with occasionally and another dozen family members I keep tabs on. My limit for "close" appears to be about 3 to 5 (including my partners) at any given point in time.

I've realized that much of how I define relationships is with regards to obligations I'm willing to undertake. It was a sticky subject with my ex, he heard the word "obligation" and took it to mean "unwanted chore." That is not remotely the case for me, but no matter how many times I explained it, he didn't get it. Maybe because for him, doing things for others WAS an unwanted chore, even if they were supposedly people he loved? I mean, I was the one who made Christmas happen in practically every way for our family, it was something I felt very obligated to do, and he had little interest in putting any effort into it, and I didn't even ask for his help mostly, because I knew that he would first try to get out of helping, then if forced to do something, he'd gripe and grouse and act all put upon the whole time, and demand I stand there watching him doing it "helping" even if he didn't even need help...which sort of defeated the purpose, because if I have to devote time to standing there while someone else does something, I may as well just do it myself. But for me, that obligation...yeah, it did carry some sadness and exhaustion because it was me giving and not getting, year after year...BUT there was also joy in it. And I begrudged my children nothing. I fulfilled my obligations to THEM (at least when they were smaller) with a glad heart.

And more importantly, if I feel no obligation to do a thing, there is a good chance I just won't do it. Committing my word to something is a stronger thrust to force me to actually do what I said I would do. Rather than simply thinking "maybe I'll show up and do this, maybe not" and then I'll likely blow it off. So with someone very close to me like Zen, I would feel a stronger sense of obligation to spend time with him when he wants my time, but it's also something I want to do. If he weren't expecting it though, what I want may or may not make it important. The sense of obligation directs my actions and my choices. If he needed help with an emergency or anything really important, I would move heaven and earth. Same with my kids, although my sense of obligation to them has shifted somewhat as they've grown older. I worry about "spoiling" them in a sense...I feel they need to develop some independence and survival skills, like being able to cook for themselves, and I worry that my giving nature has created a strong sense of entitlement in my younger son. He needs to learn that, as an adult, if you demand and expect, but never give, you will lose everyone you want in your life. Period. And there are some friends who could more easily ask for my time and effort and expect to probably get it, than others. Out on the perimeter there are literally hundreds...I'd guess 500-600 people...who know my name, and I know theirs, and I've got a little bit of bio in my mind about them, and I'd be warm to them if we cross paths and enjoy spending time in their company. These are folks from the GWAR community and the kink scene, mostly. My extended family is out in that larger group too, since I haven't lived near them or had much contact with them for a long time. When it comes to feeling obligated to them, it's more a matter of "if it is convenient to me and I feel like it" even if they really need help with something. They don't have the mojo to demand or expect much from me, if anything.

But anyhow...mostly there are a handful of people, women especially, here local that I really like and would like to figure out a way to bring more time with them into my life.

But I also have art projects, house projects (like cleaning out the garage) and a number of other things on my radar, that are getting done slowly or not at all, and I do want to make sure I'm giving my kids the time they need, and I want to continue spending quality time with Zen (which I need) and I want to make sure I'm putting a goodly amount of time and energy into Voodoo... Time. It is the most limited and precious commodity of all, I think. And when I contemplate that, I sometimes get a little annoyed at how much of it I have to spend earning a paycheck to pay the bills. I have moments where I feel like we as evolved humans should be able to do better than this...answer our higher callings and still have enough to eat and a place to live. That would be cool. I guess some folks get to do that. I hope one day I can, too.

 

[Spork]

So enough with general ruminations, now for a recap of the weekend.

Friday night I went to First Fridays jam night thing at Voodoo. Hefe was there playing guitar, which he usually is (it's sorta his event now.) But at first I wasn't really sure if I was feelin' it because I didn't see many people I really wanted to engage in conversation, or those few there were, I couldn't think of what to talk about and/or they were engaged in talking in their own little groups about things that appeared to be none of my business. So I was sorta drifting a bit for the first part of the night. I read a book off the bookshelf, and was just...there.

Later I started talking to a new guy, a cute little old man from New Jersey, still a strong hint of Jersey in his voice. I felt good about welcoming a newcomer, and I feel happy that he found his way to the scene because it seems like something he is really excited about. I almost feel he's got a touch of the sub-frenzy going on though, he's so excited to be doing things, he's likely to make light of safety if he's not careful. He was hoping I would be interested in playing with him I think, (he wants to bottom for things) and I had to explain twice that I don't feel confident in my skills enough to play safely in a top role at this time. Especially service topping. It's one thing to play with a very trusted close friend or lover who knows very well that you're inexperienced and can forgive you for accidentally doing some small harm. It is quite another to put yourself out there as qualified to service top someone you barely know, and end up having a bad outcome from it. That can potentially tarnish their opinion of the community, the club, etc. I have no intention of taking any chances with something like that.

Moreover, he needs to spend more time among us to learn the culture some. Particularly that just because a woman you find attractive and like to think about doing stuff to you, is warm and welcoming, friendly or even a little bit flirty, does NOT mean you should think that you'll have a realistic chance to BE with her at some point. I'm so "taken" it's not even funny. I have a collar for crying out loud. Most of the folks at the club really get that, so I could go so far as to compliment someone for having lovely genitalia (which LOL...I did, with regard to a woman there that I know well enough to speak to thusly) and those who are immersed in the culture know that they can't assume things from even such an outrageous statement as that. In fact making no assumptions is a pretty common and generally good part of the mentality of the scene. That's what negotiation is for. It's hard for me to remember sometimes with the new ones, that people on the "outside" DO make assumptions.

Like a good example here, just because you get someone to agree to do a scene with you at a party, which may involve both of you or one of you having no clothes on, does not mean you have consent to touch all of their parts. You have to get very specific consent for that. And if you've got a partner who has agreed to take a flogging, and you go for a groping, without their prior permission for intimate touch, then you have just committed a consent violation, which will get you pretty much blacklisted from the community. I feel a rather strong need to make sure that my new pal understands that before he gets himself into trouble. Mostly because the two times I have offered friendly hugs, he has held them rather long, and lingered with his hand on my arm or shoulder...it is slightly beyond the scope for someone I've known all of 2 days and have no intention of getting physical with. So. That has been on my mind a little bit.

I sure wish everybody followed the sorts of standards for behavior we do in the community...*sigh*...

Anyhow. So it was good to make a new friend and good to be out, even if I've got a few mild concerns I hope I can find a diplomatic way to address with him at some point.

Saturday now...Saturday was a VERY good day. Zen and I spent most of the day in his bed. He did some pretty extreme stuff to me, resulting in a need to wash the bedding. He actually got me to safeword out, not so much out of pain as just intensity. Amazing how an extended forced orgasm can be harder to cope with than a good whippin', but hey. There it is. I felt like the bottoms of my feet and the top of my head were on fire, that's how intense it was. And we also went for lunch at Mimi's which is a sort of French/American comfort food restaurant which is fast becoming a favorite of ours. He had the salmon, which he says is fantastic, and I had the chicken and Tillamook cheddar penne with bacon, with a side of roasted potatoes. The main dish is so creamy and good, everything about it is perfect, and I would kill to know how they season their potatoes because they are AMAZING. And I got a hot chocolate that was so delicious and warm and rich, after I'd sipped off all the cream there were little bubbles of oil floating on the top, from the cream or the chocolate, I don't know. But it was deeply satisfying.

Then the party at Voodoo, which was our first Saturday tastings night, and busy as that party usually is. I worked the door for a while, then Zen and I hung about snuggling and loving on each other (and after the rest of how Saturday had gone, I couldn't get enough of him.) Jersey guy was there and I tried not to give him too much attention, honestly I wanted him to see me as being very attached to Zen so he'd kinda get the idea. And later, almost at the end of the night, Zen and I had a very nice impact scene.

Yesterday I spent part of the day over at a friend's house. She's having gastric bypass surgery this week, and wanted a crew to show up and help clean and bring foods her kids could make and eat easily while she's in recovery. I bought a bunch of kid-friendly food stuff, and helped out with a bonfire she had set up to get rid of some yard waste and cardboard boxes. Can't say I worked as hard as many of the folks there, but I contributed about $60 in food, so hey. I showed up. And another friend was there who'd had a really hard week and needed someone to talk to, so I spent some time with her.

Then a nice evening with Zen at home, a little bit of intimacy and a lot of TV. Oh, I nearly forgot. Yesterday morning I was drinking my coffee and trying to read my book and relax in the living room, and I heard this hysterical, unhinged laughter...it took me several moments to decide that yeah...that was Zen...I had to go investigate. He was losing it over a recent episode of South Park (for those who watch, it was the one where Cartman is accusing Heidi of being mentally abusive, and Tweak is freaking out about Korea.) So yeah, he was it helpless demented giggle fits over this. I love the sound of his laughter. I dunno, it's odd how such a thing is just another gift he brings to my home and my life. I'm besotted, I know. Sue me. So yeah, part of yesterday evening was watching that with him, and some Rick & Morty.

 

[Spork]

It is cold outside, and it's making me sleepy. I fell asleep early last night, but did not sleep well. I had weird nightmares which now I cannot remember.

I'm volunteering more at Voodoo. I feel pretty solid on my ability to man the front desk. I'm working that tomorrow at the midweek party and running a discussion group on Thursday. There is a pirate themed party on Saturday, and I'm not sure if Zen will want to go to that. Not sure that the whole pirate concept would even really work for him. Not sure I can even put together a pirate outfit, at this late hour and without spending money on it. Maybe. I dunno.

 

[Spork]

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a new opportunity I threw my hat in the ring for, but I'm not ready to say much about that here and now. Just saying it will be cool if it comes through, so think happy thoughts for me, y'all.

My younger son hit me in succession with two instances of "wtf?" ...I swear sometimes trying to understand what he is talking about, just hurts my brain.

He complained yesterday about how every time his older brother's...not-girlfriend...friend girl...person...comes over to visit, there is unflushed urine in the toilet. And then he said he thinks that's a pretty good indicator they're having sex when no one's around.

... Just think about that a moment. I did. Yeah, no, still doesn't make any sense. Like is sex supposed to involve peeing, or is it supposed to make you forget how to flush a toilet, or... ??? I couldn't figure it out. Finally it's just...whatever. I mean I kind of don't even care if they were, so long as he doesn't get her pregnant. They are both adults now.

And the other day, Q and I were talking about John Denver, because his hairstylist and he had a conversation about how he's learning to play guitar, and he complained it was hard to sing a lot of songs because his voice has become so deep, and she suggested he could try singing and playing some John Denver. And we recalled a scene from the Kingsman movie we went to see, which was relevant, and that was that for the conversation we had.

Last night he comes to me, and he says, "So remember when I was talking about John Denver?" I said, "yes..." and he says, "So what I meant was boot head. Do you know boot head?" *blink.* *blink.* As I prepare to tell him I have no idea wtf he's talking about, and he sees that coming, he makes a frustrated gesture and says, "There's this guy, with like a sort of white beard that sticks out a little and he wears a boot on his head." At that point I had a flash of understanding (sort of) and said, "Oh! Yeah, I know who you're talking about. Vermin Supreme. Right?" He says, "Yeah! That's him." And I said, "Yeah, he runs for president all the time or something." And he said, "Yeah. Well that's what I was talking about." And he leaves the room.

Can someone tell me what in the almighty heck Vermin Supreme has to do with singing, guitar, or John Denver? I'm so confused...

Oh hey, Zen, if ya read this, that episode of Dirk Gently was available when I checked last night. Guess the free streaming BBC version might not load in for watching the very next day after it airs, or else there was some sort of a glitch. I dunno. But it's there now. I didn't watch it, figured I'd wait until we could watch it together, but it's available.

In other news, my cat is a jerk, he pulled down the curtains in my bedroom and bent the little rod I had them on (they were sheers, so I just used a flimsy rod anyways.) Now I need to use some additional hardware and a sturdier rod to try and keep that from happening again. I love my cat, but sometimes...he really is a jerk.

I've had a greeting card my Mom sent me for Halloween up on my counter, like one of those elevated counters above the sink that separates the kitchen from the living room. And Nimbus the jerk cat loves to get up there and lightly nibble the corners of it, and rub his face on it, and knock it over. Well last night, he'd already knocked it over. So he sat on it and meowed. Then he pushed it off the counter into the sink. I should tell my Mom. She loves cats, she'd probably be happy that she sent me something that has given my cat some entertainment and an opportunity for mischief.

 

[Spork]

Comcast is making me insane. We've been trying to watch the latest episode of Dirk Gently, and Sunday night it wasn't available unless we paid $4.99/month to subscribe to a premium AMC On Demand (AMC owns BBC America, the channel it is on.) Then night before last, Zen and I both happened to check and it was available, but neither of us watched it because our schedules did not permit us to spend time together. We figured "OK, it's available to us now, we'll watch it next we get the chance. Cool." Wrong! Last night we tried to watch it, and it was once again unavailable...unless we either subscribed to the AMC thing, or paid $2.99 to "rent" the episode. I was like screw it...this is worth three bucks to me now, just let's rent the damn thing. Nope! "Please call this 800 number to do this." GODFUCKINGDAMMITCOMCASTWTFALREADY! I swear. This is just...infuriating. I am so sick of paying for these premium services, with the expectation that they will allow me access to what I want, and then having them go...well...maybe we could get more money from you? Amazon's unlimited prime music has been pissing me off like this, too. At first it was great! I was able to create these playlists and stream all sorts of music. So long as I used it within their app, I had access. OK, sometimes that might be slightly inconvenient, but most of the time I can deal with this limitation. Now? I went to play one of my playlists, and most of the songs on it were no longer available to me. They want me to buy the songs. They should call it "Amazon Prime music preview." My playlists are all jacked up. I think I will cancel that, as it no longer serves the purpose for which I signed up in the first place. So aggravating.

I have a lot of digital music. I need to find a way to use my tablet to stream that, without having to actually store the files on the tablet itself. I need to look into the easiest (free?) way to accomplish this. I tried putting a bunch of files on a thumb drive (since my tablet actually has a full sized USB port) but it was only able to access one file at a time to play, unless I download them all onto the device. Which doesn't really have that much memory, so I don't want to do that. Why can't anything be simple!? And no, I do not want to use Pandora or Spotify. I don't want some radio service telling me what it thinks I want to hear. I want to create playlists of my own chosen songs to play in the exact order I want to hear them.

*sigh*

Been thinking about money. With what I make, I should not be so strapped as I am for money. I keep trying to work out where it's all going, and I should have a solid handle on this because I've got spreadsheets that are simply gorgeous and have all the data there. Today, I looked at some "answers to questions" numbers (I'm always finding new ways to analyze all the data I have) and realized the very vast majority of my money is going to bills. All sorts of bills. Most of them don't seem that high in and of themselves, but they add up. Even getting rid of so much debt in bankruptcy this year, I still spend half of what I make on bills. I've been so focused on trying to reduce my "spending" on this and that, my living expenses, food, purchases of "things"...that I have given little thought to how much I'm dumping into the bills. I need to focus on reducing those. I've found a discount program that will help with my cell phone plan and I'm going to eliminate the data service to my tablet and my son's tablet. We only use them at home anyways, and they can be WiFi dependent. I had to do a contract to get the free tablets in the first place, but that is going to expire soon. I have a few other tricks up my sleeve that I'm considering, too.

Granted, I have to recognize that we are just now rolling into the first couple months of "normal" following a move. The move itself wasn't cheap, and initially I felt compelled to buy a lot of new stuff for the home, which I won't be doing anymore now. If I can get us through Christmas, hopefully I can really start to focus on knocking out my remaining debt, like my student loans and such, and getting my financial house in order here.

I'm also annoyed because I have been told my some, that if you do something like a vehicle purchase and they run your credit multiple times in the same brief time frame to shop for credit offers, then it won't harm your credit to the tune of however many inquiries it is, it'll count more like one, which is simply not true. When I got the new van, the dealer's finance guy figured it would be a fine idea to send for like a dozen offers with various lenders and those are all hitting my credit hard. In every credit analysis service I've tried to use to see what I need to do, to rebuild, it has said "Oh, you have lots of inquiries! Bad!" Yeah. I have a bunch from the exact same day because I got a car. Jeez. I hope that next time I go to get a vehicle loan, I can tell them, "OK please don't bother asking X, Y and Z lenders to run my numbers. I don't want a pile of inquiries on my credit."

This is the kind of stuff my brain goes zooming around on in the morning, while I'm working on my coffee. Numbers numbers numbers and how can I tweak things...

So in other news, I volunteered for a shift on the door for the midweek party at the club last night. I was only supposed to be shadowing but the guy who was signed up for the main shift didn't show up. I guess this is an issue, they get volunteers signing up for things and then those people just don't show. Lame. But I didn't mind hanging out at the door. I got to spend some time with Fire, and the new guy (I'll call him Jersey, because it's easy) showed up too. I was glad to have a chance to talk to him. If you have been reading, you'll know I was mildly nervous (or at least aware) that he might have misread my very friendly and welcoming and even slightly flirtatious attitude, for a possible invitation...this notion on my part comes only from a moment where he hugged me and his hand sort of lingered on my shoulder, it was a nonverbal cue that made me raise an eyebrow, nothing more. My thinking was simply that he needed a bit more time to absorb the culture of the community. I am and was right about that, at least in terms of him needing to adapt to the culture. Last night he was telling me he was terribly nervous that he might accidentally break the rules or step out of line, make someone uncomfortable or "be that guy." The sheer volume of rules at orientation was a bit intimidating to him. I told him to try to relax, there is some leeway for humans being human, and while there are differences certainly between our culture and what is common "outside"...it's not too hard to get the hang of it and build good habits that everyone can be comfortable with. I told him the best example I have...we've got a rule that you do not touch anyone or their stuff without permission. Now of course, many people hug without asking, but that is generally in the context of a solid preexisting relationship. I tend not to take that for granted, though, always. I told him my method of getting "permission" for a hug, is nonverbal. It's merely a moment's hesitation and a questioning look, in moving in for a hug, arms open, that gives the other person a moment where if they do not wish to be hugged, they can hold up their hands and say "No, thank you." That has happened! Not often, but some folks either always or just on some particular day, really prefer not to be touched. The most important part is probably accepting that, and not taking it personally.

Anyhow it was a good talk...I hope that I helped him to understand how some of the behaviors we see in our community don't always mean what the vanilla world thinks, and we have our own protocols, but you shouldn't drive yourself crazy overthinking if you handled every little interaction the right way. And to a great degree, everyone knows you are new, so you'll be forgiven accidental missteps.

Honestly I feel bad for him too at least a bit. He is another one like a heavy set, submissive male friend of mine there, who won't have the easiest time finding a partner. Sure, I know some female Dominant types in the scene, but they are relatively few, and tend to be seeking younger, more conventionally "attractive" men. I see the value in a guy like Jersey...older, short, indications of an interesting personality...but I am very completely off the market. Not for the first time, I wish more women shared my tastes in men. Even when it comes to nonsexual play, as new and excited as Jersey is, I would worry he would get too attached to me if I even made a habit of playing with him. I'm doing a tricky dance of being warm and friendly because I don't want him to get dejected and leave the community...but also careful to promise nothing and not get too close.

I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope he has the patience it might take for that to happen. I hope he can appreciate the net good of at least having a new environment to make new friends and explore new ideas in the meantime.

So now...I am facilitating a discussion group tonight. And I hope I can stay up late enough to spend some QT with my Zen. Fortunately, I don't believe I have any community stuff planned to attend for the remainder of the weekend, so I should get loads of Zen time, and time to do some cleaning and work on our place. Maybe...lol...maybe we'll even be able to watch that bedamned episode of Dirk Gently...

 

[icesong]

And no, I do not want to use Pandora or Spotify. I don't want some radio service telling me what it thinks I want to hear. I want to create playlists of my own chosen songs to play in the exact order I want to hear them.

For what it's worth, with "premium" Spotify you can do exactly that. (It's why I bought into it instead of Pandora, while I often listen to the radio services, when I want to listen to a set of songs I want to listen to _those_ _songs_. )

 

[Spork]

For what it's worth, with "premium" Spotify you can do exactly that. (It's why I bought into it instead of Pandora, while I often listen to the radio services, when I want to listen to a set of songs I want to listen to _those_ _songs_. )

I might have to investigate that.

I'm paying 8.65/month in addition to my $99/year just for Prime, for Amazon's supposedly unlimited but in fact very limited in various ways, music service thing. They keep saying that word. I do not think it means, what they think it means.

 

[Reverie]

For what it's worth, with "premium" Spotify you can do exactly that. (It's why I bought into it instead of Pandora, while I often listen to the radio services, when I want to listen to a set of songs I want to listen to _those_ _songs_. )

Seconding the awesomeness of premium Spotify. They don't have EVERYTHING everything, but pretty close to it. They even have one of Dustin's albums! You put together your own playlists and can share them as a link to a friend, to Facebook, etc.

There is a radio function that you can choose to turn on to keep playing songs in the vein of your playlist when it ends, and you can choose radio based on a genre or an artist, but I almost never do this because Pandora's radio is better and I have both.

For Spotify, I have the family plan, which lets 6 people be on the account for $15/month. You can add whoever you want as long as they use your address as their address. I just give it to my people as a gift, but hypothetically you could have friends go in with you and just Venmo you every so often—that's less than $3 per person per month! I even have a 7th person kind of using it because I leave my own screen name logged in at Dustin's, but if someone is logged in as you, you can't both listen at the same time. Someone gets kicked off. And you can download stuff to your device to listen offline if you want, which comes in handy if I'm out of cell range.

Seriously, as someone who loves music, I think it's the best $15/month that I could spend. And the regular premium I think is only $10/month.

 

[icesong]

Yeah, I have the $15 a month plan so that Knight can have one, I can have one, and our house sound system can have one... otherwise we kept kicking each other off. (That sounds so ridiculously bougie, but back when I was dating HipsterBoy he had a Sonos system at his house and I got totally and completely spoiled by it so ended up getting one too, and it's a thing that makes me totally happy - every so often I try to mess with people's bluetooth speakers and I'm just like, this is ridiculous, why can't this thing just talk to the internet itself....)

 

[Spork]

Yeah I guess when I get time I will look into that whole Spotify thing. Does seem like it might be a better solution. I'm so disappointed that Amazon didn't work out as well as I thought it would. I mean, I was able, at first, to browse loads of music, discover lots of new artists, and add them to "my music" and playlists, and even play them offline so long as I used the Amazon app for it and had "saved" them properly. I assumed that whatever I had set up that way, would continue to be available to me in the manner I had originally set it up. I was unprepared and very annoyed to go, months later, and try to play a playlist, only to find that like 5% (if that) of the songs I had on there were still available...the rest it was like, "buy song?" No. I do not want to pay hundreds of dollars to buy these songs. I pay a monthly fee because I don't want to have to do that. If a song is a real favorite and I want to own the file so I can burn CDs and have greater freedom of when and where I listen to it, THEN I will buy the damn song. I don't expect my stuff to just...randomly expire.

I facilitated a discussion group last night. That went well. I'm glad that the lady who normally runs it is coming back though, she had thought she might hand the group off to me to run, which I could have, but I'd rather not. Besides I'd have missed her, because she's a rare attendee for other events. I'm skipping the party on Saturday. So I'm happy to look at the weekend and see lots of Zen time and lots of free time on Sunday to do house stuff. Hopefully I'll be able to motivate myself to really get a lot done.

I'm also still waffling on the GWAR concert. I'd thought before, that I should really try to make it to the show in late November. It could very well be the last tour for one of the bandmembers I care most about, as he has cancer, and dealing with that is going to be a hardship for him. But unfortunately this also comes less than a month before Christmas. As usual (at least in the last few years) I am very concerned about being able to do a reasonable holiday celebration for my family. Spending money to go to a show in Denver, where if I'm being smart, I'd have a hotel room so I wouldn't have to drive home late and exhausted... I can't justify the expense. I not longer feel as socially invested with the fan community or the band. And my heart is telling me, "You know, you don't have to do this." It's just weird because, up until about 2014 or so, I fought tooth and nail with the ex and maintained a tight grip on my involvement with GWAR. It really was a huge part of my life. It's a weird internal struggle to find myself not caring that much about it. I can't believe it but the new album has been out about a month and I don't even have it in any format, haven't even listened to it.

And oddly, with the cold weather, I'm less interested in adventuring far from home, or places that feel like home. Let alone coming out of a concert in late November in Denver, soaked to the skin, at midnight, to freeze my butt off. Yeah...think I'm gonna pass.

Well, I'm feeling rather boring with all of this cold-weather domesticity feels, but I'm ok with it.

 

[Spork]

Zen and I didn't do much of anything social or "out" this weekend, we stayed home and indulged in some nice laziness, watched (sort of) some movies and shows, dozed on and off, had sex, ate good food... Yesterday was a productive day for me though, even though it didn't feel much like one. I did not do all the things I could have done, that were in my mind and on my list, but I did some stuff and looking back at the total of it, I feel pretty good. I sewed buttons on a couple of Zen's shirts, which kind of delighted me in its domesticity (the cat tried to help...not helpful, cat...) and I got a bunch of stuff cleaned up in the garage, consolidating empty boxes, and putting things away. I hung a couple of swords on the wall in the hallway, and they look good there.

And I don't have any Voodoo commitments I truly want to do until Friday, though there are a couple of things I COULD go to, if I find I need the social time. Probably not.

Today marks 2 years since Zen and I became lovers. And I feel like it just keeps getting better all the time.

 

[Magdlyn]

Happy anniversary, Spork! It makes me happy that you've found your man and your community after so many years of shit with he who must not be named.

Cats are assholes. If the world was flat, they'd have all pushed everything off the edge by now, lol.

 

[Spork]

Happy anniversary, Spork! It makes me happy that you've found your man and your community after so many years of shit with he who must not be named.

Cats are assholes. If the world was flat, they'd have all pushed everything off the edge by now, lol.

Thank you, Magdlyn!

Yeah, I alternate between calling Nimbus a "bad cat" a "jerk" a "mischief cat" or a "naughty Nimbus" and calling him "my sweet little floofy butt" or a "good cat," or a "good boy." He's really very sweet, much of the time. And even when he's being a nuisance, he's usually at least a little bit comical about it.

Today, Fire sent me an article about things that good people do that attract toxic people into their lives, and tips on how to recognize and place boundaries with such people. She said she figured I already knew all of this stuff but it reminded her of me, and indeed, the article could have been a case study about my ex. And I do think I have chosen far, far more wisely with Zen.

I still have some stress in dealing with my sons, mostly because I'm too conflict avoidant to be very good at enforcing my expectations on them...I value my domestic harmony more than practically anything. But sooner or later, they WILL move out and be out of my hair. I'll give them the best I can in the meantime, hope they learn at least a fraction of the lessons I try to explain to them. I want my older son either paying rent, or moving out, by April 1 of next year, which is right after his 19th birthday. My younger son...well, he's got a couple years to go, and while it troubles me that he's not doing well in school, I feel that failure to get passing grades can be overcome. You can do online classes, retake your senior year, or even get a GED and it gets you past that hurdle. Getting him mentally and emotionally healthier and more resilient, is a far more important concern for me.

But ultimately, they will move on. And Zen and the cat will remain. At least I hope, and it's what I envision for the future I want. And Zen and I both dislike conflict and drama, I think we communicate well, and we make each other very happy. I can think about being with him indefinitely and feel really good about that. As for poly stuff...I've indicated I could be with a woman, and my reservations about that (time, mostly)...but ultimately, so long as I can be polyAMOROUS, I do not need to be polySEXUAL. So I'm just simply enjoying what I have and I'm not worrying about it.

I look back at so many things...not just my relationship, but my friendships, my social circles...and I feel like I left a lot of toxic people behind, and the people who get to be important for me now, are vastly healthier for my sanity and my energy, overall.