The story of Spork.

This is the lodge that Zen and I were at Thurs. night through Saturday...

https://www.vrbo.com/993842

There is a photo of a bedroom with a teal blanket, that was our room, and in the picture of the dining hall, the table in the middle was the one where we had blankets and such laid out and I was setting my awesome new friend on fire! :)
 
Zen was home earlier than I realized he would be, last night. We are planning a trip in late March to go to Phoenix and visit his Dad. And we played a board game based on some D&D thing, "Lords of Waterdeep" and it was really fun. I won, though, even though it was my first time playing and he's been playing the online version a while now...but frankly, my brain needed it.

My mood was not the best yesterday. I avoided, very deliberately, "processing" stuff because I was feeling hormonal and possibly droppy from weekend stuff. Just too sensitive and if I found myself thinking about things, emotional turbulence rose and roiled too easily. I don't want to spend my day at work fighting tears. So I pushed my stuff to the side as much as I could. I took up an email message conversation with a friend from my old forum haunts and talked about life's happenings (along the lines of the awesome stuff of the weekend, and the good things, not heavy stuff.) I sought distractions. Learning a somewhat complex new board game was perfect.

OK maybe this is what Zen has been giving me a hard time about, not letting myself feel my feels. But I don't want to! I mean, when it comes to negative stuff. I can't express it, there's nowhere that makes sense for that to happen, when I feel something but I can't DO anything with it, it just makes me upset for no good reason. When I think, talk, write about things...that is my process for getting the information that triggers feelings in a logical, word-place, where it's not messing with me. Analyzing it. But, calmly.

I can't get past this idea that a woman losing her poise, expressing uncontrolled negative emotion, is imposing on others. And some women can do it, because they're just that loved that they can get away with it, they're pretty enough or they have that kind of support, that people don't judge them for it. But I'd better not. I don't want to be "crazy" or "dramatic." No matter what my problems are or how I feel inside about them. The only way to be strong, or be taken seriously, is to have a lot of self control.

Probably another of those things that goes to my relationship with my parents, since I was often frightened of them when they were out of control, and as I got older, I didn't respect them because they lack control, and Aunt Jeanette had great poise and control and that is something I respected in her. Emotional outbursts are for other people who apparently can get away with it, although some people (like my parents) really can't, because they have both alienated people with their uncontrolled behavior. Especially with their anger. When is anger acceptable? It's not, at least in my life.

The other night, Zen told me I had permission to express it, when the day came that he made me angry, he wanted to give me that permission because he didn't think I would give it to myself, but that he wanted me to understand if he laughed at me...since turning things into a joke is how he handles such things, or something. I don't know. See, that only makes sense if we're talking about "he forgot to get the milk" anger...which isn't anger, to me. It's like, MAYBE mild annoyance at most. Probably not even that. Anger is what I feel when I hear about people torturing pets, or when those boys I thought were friends, in high school, raped that girl. I felt ANGER, real, true righteous anger, then. And yet what could I do with that? Nothing. There was no stepping up, hulking out, exacting retribution, or making justice happen of any sort. I was, in all of my fury, utterly and completely helpless and impotent. All I could ever do with such people, was to shut them out and away from me, throw the kill-switch on that connection, and they no longer really existed in my world. Shun them, basically. That's all the power I've got, and being angry never made me feel any better. It certainly did not help me get over anything.

So that's the thing though, if I am ever truly ANGRY at Zen, then laughing about it is gonna be the last thing he'll want to do, because real, actual anger on my part is like a sign of the apocalypse where a relationship with me is concerned. Because I just don't get angry about trivial BS. I might get annoyed...but not angry. And sustained and internalized anger of the kind he's seeing about my stresses with my son and my ex...I'm actually feeling very hurt, deeply betrayed on a number of levels, but there is nothing I can do about it. And until my kid grows up and gets on out of my house, there won't be any way for me to completely close the chapter on that, I can only try to cope with it.

So I endeavor to store it safely, and to know when focusing attention on it, is like focusing the sun through a magnifying glass on a barrel of gunpowder.

I think, probably, just some things I say are getting repetitive and tedious, and I've got to get better about policing myself when I start "unpacking my baggage" so to speak, to those who have heard it all before. Probably.

Anyhow, yesterday was a day where I felt like I was on an edge, so I tried to keep calm and distracted. And somehow within the first hour or so of Zen being home, or less, I couldn't remember why I felt fragile earlier, at all. Today I'm doing much better, which is good since I have to meet with Old Wolf and Ninja about the subject of Ninja going to Job Corps. Hopefully being in my ex's presence doesn't leave me feeling emotionally bruised. But I've got Zen time coming, and social time too, so if it's tough, I'll have chances to reset my energy in the near future.
 
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So I was doing really well yesterday, and I had a meeting with Old Wolf and Ninja at the coffee shop to talk about Ninja going into Job Corps. We still have some questions we want to research answers on, and Ninja wants to wait until his friend-girl comes back up from her Mom's house (the 15th) and spend some time with her, but I'm thinking sometime around the end of this month, we're going to move on this. And our talk went well, though it felt semi-unnecessary, but maybe it was good for Old Wolf to hear it from Ninja that he is on board with this. I'm surprised just how much he IS on board with it, honestly. Maybe he is relieved at the idea of getting moving on something in life, he has been sort of spinning his wheels and going nowhere. But nothing troubling or upsetting happened, the vibe was cordial, I didn't leave feeling that my day had been darkened by seeing Old Wolf in person, or anything heavy at all.

Maybe the only little ripple of trouble in my spirit with regard to the ex, is that I don't know if I can trust his friendliness. I'm always a little afraid that it's a trick, that he's working to set up hurtful stuff and traps behind my back while pretending to be groovy with me in our interactions. Long story short, I don't trust him. And then I question if I am just being paranoid, seeing him as my own personal boogey-man.

If anything, my only emotional reaction to the whole thing was the "Mom whose kid is about to go away" feeling...this will be the first time I've done this, set one of my children loose into the wide world, and no matter how much I've waited and wanted for them to grow up and move on, thinking I'd be ready to get on with the next chapter of my life, and even somewhat resenting the pressures of parenthood at times...it is still scary and shakes me up inside. Sometimes my feelings catch me a little off-guard.

So later on, I was home, and I wish I'd spent my time taking down Christmas decorations, I really should have worked on that. Instead I had it in my mind that I was entitled to a bit of me-time, so I tried to indulge myself in....something. Zen and I had touched on the concept of adult film, and I tried to get online and wander a site...it did nothing for me. I just couldn't find anything that caught my interest. Not that it made me feel bad, just like I was wasting my time. I reverted to my typical habit of in-my-head enjoyment, but that took up all of like 5 minutes. Now what? Um...um...I'll read a book! I couldn't focus on the book. No good. Hm. Put on some music and tried to work on a puzzle. I'd had it in my head to re-do the last puzzle I did and see if I could work through it faster and easier with it somewhat fresher in my mind. I was listening to my tunes and realized that Beethoven's 9th Symphony, 2nd movement, arouses me more than porn does. I am that broken, fantastic. It bugs me that I can't relate to other people, I can't wrap my mind around something like that, enjoy it like normal people do. *sigh* I found myself, after finishing the edges of the puzzle, fussy and restless with it and out of sorts. I went and smoked, tried again to read, and then realized I was pretty tired (it was all of 9pm) and lay down on the couch. I'm not sure that I mean to sleep all the way though, but I didn't wake until Zen came home, and even then I was pretty out of it. I had a brief snuggle with him, then went to bed.

And now I'm fine. At least for the moment.

Oh, there is a dude who works in my office complex, who has been out smoking the last couple of days. I did the thing I do, in one-on-one conversations, where I casually mentioned "the club I spent time at" and when asked for clarification, said it was "of an adult nature" and evaluated his reaction to that, and when he wanted to hear more, I was like, "consent granted!" and went into talk of BDSM with him. He was fascinated. FASCINATED. But yesterday, he was like, "I really appreciate you talking to me about all of this, I'd never really heard about it or known it was out there. I mean, I'm a white-bread conservative Christian, so seriously, I've never even met someone like you." HAHAHAHA... Yes, the Devil Girl is here to tempt you from your wholesome path, good sir, you'll be wallowing in depravity like the rest of us in no time at all. Muahahaha! Sorry. As a former teenage goth/Satanist, I find these things hilarious. He is one, I really wouldn't be surprised at all if he shows up at a party sometime. Oh, "innocents." They're just precious.
 
Spork said:
If I could afford it, martial arts classes, just for the exercise, would be a good solution. I wish I could go chop firewood, or do something physical that is actually productive. I just don't want to engage in any sort of outburst that produces no discernible result.
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I'm a few days behind here, so sorry if it's off topic, but if you are looking for a wood chopping type of activity to blow off steam, something up that alley that may work would be volunteer trail maintenance. I haven't spent much time in Colorado Springs but if it's like most Colorado towns of any size, it likely has an active parks and open space program. It's not only physical but you also get to see results and be out working somewhere beautiful. Best of all, except for your time and energy it's free.

On the broader topic of feeling and expressing anger, I have quite a bit to say but don't really want to hijack the thread so I'll keep it short. I've been given conflicting input regarding anger most of my life- when I was young I was told not to express my anger and punished when I did but by my mid-30s, I was told that I don't express my anger enough, or when I did I wasn't angry enough when expressing it, and that by not doing so I'm cheating myself of something. In each case though, the people telling me these things felt the need to do so because my anger wasn't manifesting the way anger "should" according to everyone else. In the end I came to see both thoughts- don't express it vs. you're not expressing it enough - as biased and missing the point, falling into the category of well meaning but misguided advice.

I don't necessarily like anger in its many shades but came to see that it had a purpose and that purpose had nothing to do with how I expressed it or even how I experienced it. For me anger is like a warning light on my instrument panel, telling me that something isn't ok with the situation I'm in or I don't agree with the way something is happening. In this sense it's useful to me because its strength in focusing my attention, only becoming harmful if I dwell on it past its point of usefulness or I express it in a deliberately harmful way.

In the end I came to feel that people who were telling me that I wasn't angry enough because I wasn't expressing my anger in an angry way were unintentionally invalidating my experience as a human being with the idea that they were being helpful. Who's to say if I need more anger in my life other than me? More than anything what I've found I need is a safe space where I can say "I'm upset about blah blah and need to talk about it" and have someone that listens without judging the characteristics or quality of my emotional state. To me, that's been the most useful and helpful way for me to express or feel anger, not by quaking with it but just getting it out by talking about it. In fact it often feels like until I talk about the anger, it just feels like some senseless inchoate emotional signal blaring in my head.
 
Refusnik said:
I'm a few days behind here, so sorry if it's off topic, but if you are looking for a wood chopping type of activity to blow off steam, something up that alley that may work would be volunteer trail maintenance. I haven't spent much time in Colorado Springs but if it's like most Colorado towns of any size, it likely has an active parks and open space program. It's not only physical but you also get to see results and be out working somewhere beautiful. Best of all, except for your time and energy it's free.

On the broader topic of feeling and expressing anger, I have quite a bit to say but don't really want to hijack the thread so I'll keep it short. I've been given conflicting input regarding anger most of my life- when I was young I was told not to express my anger and punished when I did but by my mid-30s, I was told that I don't express my anger enough, or when I did I wasn't angry enough when expressing it, and that by not doing so I'm cheating myself of something. In each case though, the people telling me these things felt the need to do so because my anger wasn't manifesting the way anger "should" according to everyone else. In the end I came to see both thoughts- don't express it vs. you're not expressing it enough - as biased and missing the point, falling into the category of well meaning but misguided advice.

I don't necessarily like anger in its many shades but came to see that it had a purpose and that purpose had nothing to do with how I expressed it or even how I experienced it. For me anger is like a warning light on my instrument panel, telling me that something isn't ok with the situation I'm in or I don't agree with the way something is happening. In this sense it's useful to me because its strength in focusing my attention, only becoming harmful if I dwell on it past its point of usefulness or I express it in a deliberately harmful way.

In the end I came to feel that people who were telling me that I wasn't angry enough because I wasn't expressing my anger in an angry way were unintentionally invalidating my experience as a human being with the idea that they were being helpful. Who's to say if I need more anger in my life other than me? More than anything what I've found I need is a safe space where I can say "I'm upset about blah blah and need to talk about it" and have someone that listens without judging the characteristics or quality of my emotional state. To me, that's been the most useful and helpful way for me to express or feel anger, not by quaking with it but just getting it out by talking about it. In fact it often feels like until I talk about the anger, it just feels like some senseless inchoate emotional signal blaring in my head.
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Yeah, things from Zen's perspective made a bit more sense to me when he told me that he was just hearing me say the same things over and over. He's right. I recite some of the same ideas like a script sometimes. He felt that this is maybe because I have not allowed myself to feel/express the feelings behind this stuff, so it just runs on repeat like a broken record maybe? He could be right. Though I am not sure.

For me it's like...I am feeling something in a moment about a situation, but the feeling, the moment, and the situation is the tip of an iceberg that has been growing for years, and is made up of so much other STUFF... And I don't feel like actually feeling anger, or even expressing anger, especially without some sort of cathartic result, is going to dispel the iceberg. It's there, because the person who keeps on pushing those same buttons, is too close, in my life, still pushing them from time to time. It hurts, because that person is my child. He used to love me so much, like little children love their mothers. Now that relationship is a convoluted mess and I don't know how to untangle it.

But as I've said before, I need to count my blessings and not wallow in my sorrows where he is concerned. Despite the problems we've had, I've known teenagers, especially boys being raised by single mothers, who acted out in far worse ways than what Q is doing, and who had far more severe and immediate problems. And as I see it, there's a fairly high chance that as a young adult, he will put some distance between us, at least for a time. He might sort things out and want a relationship with me when we can interact as one adult to another adult, or maybe he won't. But if my solutions to people who cling to negativity and push negativity at me, is to not have them in my life to do it...that day will come. No idea how I'll feel about it when it does.

Sometimes it seems like he deserves my anger, but he doesn't. His father might...but I'm not sure about that, either. I still believe that most of his harm to me came of acting his script, not consciously, just being who he be and doing how he do.

I can only be myself. And at the end of the day, I'm not a very angry or demonstrative person, never have been.

Thanks for the recommendation about the trails! Yeah, the Springs has loads of trail systems and there's a large open space just full of them, within an easy walk from my house.

I really gotta get around to buying myself some better shoes...
 
It was a good weekend, lots of socializing, scene at the party, stuff and things. I drove the boys down to their gaming, because Old Wolf (he normally picks them up) has a new job, and wasn't available. So I got to see, briefly, some old friends I don't see very often. I don't miss them much. They are way too far in the world of "vanilla muggle types" for me to truly WANT to hang with them anymore, and I made peace a long while back with the idea of departing Old Wolf's social circles, to let him have his friends. He needs support without my presence, and I don't want to create drama or make people feel conflicted. I did mention to one of these people while I was there, that I wanted to make sure they knew it wasn't personal and those were my reasons. He said, "Oh, believe me, we get it. We've been through this before, and sometimes the friends have to choose and that sucks." So I think it's all good.

Old Wolf's new job is security guard for the MJ business here. It's an armed contract, and he had to go qualify at the range for his concealed carry permit and all. Don't love the notion of him walking around armed, which is a thing that will make him happy...but I'm amused at the idea that, dude voted for Trump and now that whole administration is working to demolish all of the MJ legalization going on. Like, politically I support legalization, but I don't touch the stuff and don't particularly care about it personally. I used to smoke a lot when I was a teenager, but since becoming an adult I just don't have time for it in my life, nor money, and I know it DOES have a demotivating effect on me. I miss acid occasionally, but I don't miss pot. And I like being a sober person. I like myself, and I like being myself. I have nothing I want to really hide and escape from. Old Wolf on the other hand, is heavily substance-dependent, whether that is pot or alcohol, and he loves weed. Just loves it. And now, all because he was freaking out about "Crooked Killary" and her skeery email servers, he might just wind up losing the freedom he's been enjoying with regard to that, as well as his employment. Psh. It's funny, I guess, in an ironic, "You reap what you sow, sir" kind of a way.

Anyhow. And I got the Christmas tree down, though I still need to properly pack up all of the decorations and get them back into storage.

And we've come to the collective decision that toward the end of this month, we are going to get Ninja into Job Corps. So that is happening.

The scene that Zen and I did at the club on Saturday wasn't a typical scene for us. We waited a bit late to get rolling, and he laid into me with more of the stingy things than usual...my blood sugar may have also been low, I'm not sure, but I didn't eat as much that day as perhaps I ought to have done. And I wanted him to use one of our Hitachi knockoff wand things on me too, but he brought it into the scene toward the end and continued to hit me with stingy things while he did. Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to devote my mind to processing pain, or processing that kind of stimulation, at the same time. One and THEN the other, that's great, but simultaneously? Not so much. Between one thing and another, I ended up crying, which isn't typical at all for our scenes. I don't want to safeword, unless I feel concerned about an actual safety issue, and I didn't...but I was near enough to begging him to stop with the pain. Well, then the scene ended and we didn't have much time for aftercare. I had to get myself switched back into a more functional headspace in a hurry, to drive us home...which I did, but I couldn't really talk to people while I was doing so. I was in a weird place. But we got lots of wonderful snuggles when we got back home. I think Zen was somewhat concerned about me, my experience, and if I was ok and we were ok. It was a night where probably the aftercare snuggle time was just as needful for him as it was for me. But after coming off it all and back to reality, I realized that even that experience made me feel more bonded to Zen. It all feels like...sharing emotionally charged moments and experiences. I wouldn't say the scene went wrong, just because it went differently. And I'm as in love with him as ever.

My love is working late the next few nights, so we won't get much time together. It sucks that the next night he's available in the evening, I have a discussion group that I kind of hate to miss because it's a good one that I rarely miss for any reason. But I know I'd rather have time with Zen, especially after a few days of not seeing him. I considered seeing if he wanted to go with me. It's a group for switches (those who play on either side of the slash in BDSM) and I don't think he is 100% on the Dom side any more than I am 100% on the sub side. Also, I'd LOVE to share with the group my recent experience in topping for fire and that I'm starting to push past my hesitations in topping, in general, a bit. I figure we'll wait and see how we feel about it and what time he gets home on Thursday. I mean, I do have Friday off (it's my Birthday!) so I could stay up late with him after the group, if he were willing to go with me. What I do not really want to do, is go without him, so if he doesn't want to, I think we'll stay home. I'm a clingy girlfriend, I guess...glad he does not seem to mind!

Nimbus the cat has been bonding a lot with Zen. Last night after he (the cat) supervised me doing the dishes, and I sat down to work on a puzzle, he went down the hallway to sit outside the door to Zen's space, and loudly cried and meowled until Zen came home from work.

I think, this evening and tomorrow, perhaps I will work on some art. I'm starting to have that itch to be creative again. Unfortunately I'm not in the mood to work on the piece I want to make for the club, or really any of the pieces I'm supposed to make for people...I just have some ideas I want to work on for my own purposes... I have a hobgoblin sculpture that has been sitting in my bedroom for ages, unfinished and unpainted. I actually began work on him in 2008, so that's how long he's been hanging about unfinished. I'm starting to get ideas for paint schemes in my mind, and I'm thinking about putting some effort into him.
 
Did not feel like working on art last night. Got some errands taken care of, and did a great deal of relaxing. Q is working to perfect his pancake making game, he made some pretty good pancakes for dinner last night. (He wants to impress girls, but I'm not supposed to say that.) I was tired, I did the things I felt needed doing, worked on a jigsaw puzzle a little, and took a nap. Then I woke up when Zen got home, so that I could get a few minutes with him before we both had to go to bed for the night. We had some of this delicious mint torte cake my Mom ordered for us for Christmas, which is nearly gone now. I'm not sure if that was a good idea for him, he has told me that mint can give him some indigestion that makes it hard for him to sleep...I didn't think about that until I was going to bed, and then I hoped it wouldn't be a problem for him.

This morning is strange and kind of wonderful. I went out for my post-coffee smoke on the back patio and it was warm (for winter) slightly humid (for Colorado) and lovely, the sky was a really amazing sort of blue. A pre-dawn spectrum of deep cobalts and royals with bright white moon and stars peeking through the black branches of leaf-bare trees. It was the kind of sky you'd try to capture in a painting. And it was the kind of morning that would feel like springtime in a place like Ohio or Iowa...but Colorado's weather is fickle at best. Mornings like this often remind me of road trip days, getting up early and loading into the car in my pajamas as a kid, or the excited and independent feeling I always had of traveling as an adult, whether alone or in company of my family. There is something about being able to get in the car and GO. I think that feeling is a cool morning on a day that will probably shape up to be hot, it feels like a summer morning. It is a morning that feels full of adventurous intentions. Damn shame I had to go to work instead.

I wonder if Colorado will get any winter? We haven't had any snow to speak of. I nearly feel that my area got tired of the whole winter thing and has shipped it off to everyone else. I would not complain (I'm enjoying it!) but when we don't get the moisture, we have to worry about wildfires.
 
Shit
Shit
Shit

There is a Viking themed party on Saturday night at Voodoo. I had not given it much thought, because I seriously don't have the stuff to wear and I don't have any money to spare on costume stuff right now, figured "meh, I'll just skip that one."

Moments ago, I thought of the perfect...PERFECT...costume idea. But I can't, because I still don't have money and now I also don't have time.

Barbarianna from Kung Fury. I could carry a gatling gun and talk about it being the Viking Age and tell everyone to watch out for laser raptors and it would RULE.

Damn it.
 
I left work yesterday in a restless mood. I wanted. I was full of want. But I didn't know for sure what would scratch that itch. I get that way sometimes, and I just...want. Like a caged thing that paces, want want want, it is at the same time hungry and sexual and social and all sorts of things.

This state, combined with the fact that Zen had to work a closing shift, made me feel almost a grumpy "wish I had continued to be poly" feeling, as I could have got some social/sexual stuff satisfied if I had another partner, but at the same time, my needs were not so specific as all that. I was just needy. In an unfocused and generally discontent sort of a way.

I went home, had a few moments with Zen, talked about maybe going to a poly discussion group at the club that I don't usually attend anymore. Then he had to return to work (he was home on his break, because we live really close to both of our places of employment) and I was left to my own devices. Quite literally, as I decided to satisfy some of my physical stuff and then see what I felt like doing. I put on some water to boil for macaroni and locked myself in the bathroom with Zeus, my Hitachi wand knock-off...an endeavor that takes me all of five minutes or less to do a bit of self-care, and then went and finished making myself some mac & cheese and smoked sausage. Once my urges were answered and my belly was full, all that was left was a desire to nap, and I decided not to go to the discussion group, and I snoozed on the couch for a couple of hours. That enabled me to stay up late and get some time in talking to Zen when he got home.

I haven't accomplished much of anything in the last two evenings, but I don't feel bad about that. I felt like I needed some time to chill, some time for me. I took it. No regrets.

Tonight is the mid-week party at Voodoo and I'm taking my fire stuff, and I might want to take some of my impact toys, too. See if maybe anybody feels like letting me top them for anything early in the evening. I've volunteered to work the door during the second half of the night. Once again I am wishing that we had one-hour shifts for door instead of two-hour ones. Maybe if we get enough trained and active volunteers one day, we could...because it feels like I am going to spend pretty much the whole party sitting behind a counter. Not a lot happens before 8:30, and I'm there from 8:30 to 10:30. But no one else had signed up for that slot, so I took it.

Looking forward to Friday. It is my Birthday and I took the day off work. I don't think there are any big plans but it's going to be nice to have another long weekend. I am not really into going to the Viking party on Saturday. I simply cannot be expected to have a costume for every theme that someone can think up...I do enough of them, I don't need to do them all.
 
I went to the Midweek Party. It seems, if I take the fire stuff, and communicate a willingness to light people on fire, I will have volunteers. I'm not sure what kind of crazy one has to be, to trust a self-described novice to set them on fire, but I am grateful for their trust and courage.

And now I need to buy more mousse.

A good friend volunteered to bottom for me, and she had some good feedback on things she felt would improve my technique, but that is not to say she was critical; she had helpful suggestions. I also talked to a veteran fire player who was there, but not playing, and he had some suggestions as well. Much appreciated, as was the opportunity to practice. I think I need to do as Supernova has done, and make myself some wands...the ones I have are very small, he's made bigger ones out of kevlar and I can see the benefit that could come of that. In fact I would like to talk to him about a thing or two. I wish he was more socially available.

Just now, I thought, "Hm, it was helpful when I practiced on my bare legs before I topped that gal at the lodge, maybe I could do more of that at home. And on that note, it's been a minute since I shaved my legs, maybe I could see if I could burn off my leg hair and kill two birds with one...wand...lol..." The scent of burning hair has ceased to bother me, the more I associate it with fire and electrical play (it's odd, even when nothing appears to be burning, often enough violet wand electrical play seems to give a slight burning hair scent.) I very much need and want to practice fire cupping, too, since there's a trick to smooth and effective cup placement that is partially a muscle memory thing.

So it went well. I stayed up late after I got home, spending time with Zen, who is having some stress at work. I certainly burden him with my share of processing, so I am happy to be able to be there for him as he processes the things that worry and bother him in life. He has been at this job for a long time; it's not easy for him to contemplate changes anyways (not that any are immediate for sure, it's just a stressful situation on him right now and some uncertainties.) I, on the other hand, not only am used to big changes happening every few years or so in life, but I have been in far more precarious life circumstances with someone who struggled to hold stable employment before. I think that, from a practical standpoint, life in a big picture sense as far as Zen and his work situation go, even the worst case scenario is not life-threateningly dire.

I enjoy stability, but I've never had any particular need to be with a man who is career-ambitious or some kind of professional big-shot or high earner. I'm not terribly impressed with that sort of thing. A man who can find a way to get by, is just fine, and I've got faith in Zen's ability to do that, even if things get rocky for a little while. I'm pretty sure I've been through worse. So, long story short...one way or another, things will be fine.

So I drank coffee to stay functional through the party and would up awake until nearly midnight. This resulted in a Spork who felt a sense of sleepy defiance towards the entire concept of her alarm clock and usual morning routine. I did get up around 5:30 to make sure that Q was up and getting ready for school, and to feed the cat and start my coffee brewing. But then instead of doing my typical little routine house-chores like the dishes, I said, "Screw it" and went back to sleep. The dishes can wait, I'll get them later when I get home from work. My bed was warm and soft and I did not want to be out of it until I absolutely had to be.

Tonight we have a discussion group for switches, and Zen has agreed to go with me. I mentioned this to my friend last night, and she responded with a bit of surprise, "Oh, he's a switch?" I think it's more like neither of us lives in a rigid little box. Some people very strongly identify as Masters, Doms, slaves, subs, etc. to the point that it would be weird for them to go to switch group...but not everyone there is exactly as comfortable topping as bottoming. It's a little like being bisexual but sometimes you have a vague preference for one or the other...sometimes, not. And while Zen and I do tend to Top/bottom in fairly predictable ways, I'm not sure that he is a Dom any more than I'm sure I'm a sub, or that such things are even needful to our relationship, other than the occasional bit of play or party behavior or banter. As indicated in our semi-silly litany of connections and descriptions on Fetlife, it's like each of us is owned and owner, student and teacher, Master and slave, lover and loved, one to the other. I find I am enjoying that quite a lot.
 
I took Friday off, and my weekend was a lot of good food, great company, and fine relaxation, sleeping in and snuggles and a bit of housekeeping (which I undertake in the spirit of loving my home, so it's not really a chore, it's sort of a nesting activity for me.) Last night when Zen got home from work, I had dinner waiting, which MIGHT have made up for making him watch kind of a dumb movie.

OK so I used to love this film because I've got a thing for weird, cool old mansions and houses, the kind with interesting sculpture and art, neat woodwork and stained glass and such. And so from that perspective, it used to be a favorite. And it's got Catherine Zeta Jones in it, and she's one of my favorite (sexy) actresses. I mean, not because she's crazy talented, I am aware of more talented actresses, but on the basis of how hella beautiful she is. I forgot, because it's been ages since I saw the movie, that the story is meh, at best. The movie is, "The Haunting" I believe, based on the story "The Haunting at Hill House" and by the end, Zen was just really underwhelmed and telling me how he doesn't like horror movies. Well, sure. I'm not there for the "scary horror story" aspect though.

(I'm sorry I made you watch a dumb movie. You still love me, right? :D)

Also, CZJ's character talks about being poly and bisexual and that might have pushed some happy buttons for me when I saw the movie before, since I was stuck living a love life at the time that did nothing good for me...that may have been a part of the appeal, too...

Anyways.

Well Zen also was generous enough to give me some Birthday money and I didn't have an immediate idea of what to get with it, despite often saying, "I can't really afford that" to any number of things for quite a while now...but I think I've decided on one thing I want. A pair of really good hiking boots. I don't get nearly enough exercise in life, and part of that is not having good footwear for it. I have a lot of flat-bottomed shoes and boots, like Vans and similar styles to Converse, and some fancy boots for parties and warm boots for winter, but nothing that is truly suited for walking or hiking or jogging. I'm actually not that interested in jogging. But walking and hiking, yes. I want to do much more of that, especially when the weather is good. And here in Colorado we do get nice days even in winter. So.
 
IT'S COLD.

And Q refuses to wear a coat. I've given up. I'm not going to keep wasting money buying him warm things he refuses to wear, and I'm done fighting and yelling about this. I think he's just mad because I'm right. He is willing to suffer to defy my rightness. Teenagers, swear to god...I can't. So I told him, at least wear all of your warm layers, it's in the single digits and it's IOWA COLD out there. He doesn't remember Iowa, where we lived for 8 years, probably. Oh, well.

At least he did not accuse me of "microaggressions." :rolleyes:
 
A friend posted on social media about a meteor that exploded over Detroit, I guess late last night. That was interesting. Caused a minor earthquake effect. She thought it hit a house, since a house in the vicinity was on fire, but that was actually a garage fire that was unrelated.

Wild!

I'm a little surprised that we don't get objects from space coming down and causing issues and damage more often, not necessarily meteors, since I hear that Jupiter tends to grab a lot of those before they get here, but just space junk from all of the satellites we've got up there.

So I was having a conversation with some people on the subject of honesty, and lies. It amazes me at times how differently I view this, compared to others. I know some people who will say that they never lie, they hate lies, and they are obsessed with The Truth. Those same people, at times, I have in fact caught in lies. I think that there is this virtue signaling mindset where they have to see themselves as "good" so when they fail their own values in some way, they will lie about it, while at the same time protesting that they never lie. And claiming that anyone who has lied is someone who can never be trusted.

I think that everything about that mindset is unrealistic. Maybe unhealthy, even. It's this notion that people are so 2-dimensional, so binary, so good/evil, so black & white, as all that. When in face people are generally mostly good in my opinion, but certainly complicated. "Messy and human and complicated," to quote an author I like. I don't need people to conform to a binary concept of good or evil, and I am comfortable existing socially in a world where most people lie, at least sometimes. Maybe all of us do.

The key question is, why is a person lying? And who are they lying to? Themselves? Are they unable to face something they have done, or lying to hide shame? Or are they doing so for defense of self, or others? Out of kindness or empathy? To craft an image of themselves that they want others to believe? Or merely on a whim or impulse?

I do not judge people really, for lying. I don't assume it means that they aren't worthy of trust. But I am interested in their reasons for it.

The kind of lying that I think most people have big issues with, is the sort that involves both an unethical act and an attempt to hide it. Everything from criminal behavior, to cheating on a partner, and the lies required to conceal the wrongdoing. This tends to be a person who is cloaked in personal shame, I think, inside, because they have violated their own values. The easiest way to not be this kind of a liar, is to live by your own values, and forgive yourself when you falter, to shed the cloak of shame. And I think that one should be able to live without shame, at least with close and loved people that they trust not to judge them. I have considered the idea of romantic partners lying to me...with Old Wolf it was a matter of hypocrisy, since he is one of those "I never lie!" people who totally does. With someone from the healthier stages of my love life following him, like Zen or one of my partners from before we were exclusive, my response would be one of feeling a little hurt that my partner was afraid to share the truth, and wanting to know why. I am pretty forgiving of the ones I love. I hope they know that I will accept them when they are imperfect.

And I look at my own lying, and I think that every time I can remember deploying deception, it was because the idea of telling the truth felt UNSAFE. I am conflict averse, but beyond that, I am no warrior. Conflict, anger, and violence are things I find somewhat disturbing, and if I'm interacting with someone I don't trust to control themselves, and that I expect may react with anger or violence or force, I will do whatever it takes to de-escalate that. If that's telling soothing falsehoods, then that's fine with me. I find violence to be far more ethically disturbing, than lying.

But lying does create a burden upon the liar. Maintaining a lie is work. You have to always keep in mind, if anyone you're tempted to unburden yourself to, or tell your truths to, has any present or future or past connection to the one you aimed the lie at. Keeping the falsehood in place for literally everyone you know is not easy or comfortable. I think that most people wind up sharing the truth with some, and not really keeping a good map of "who talks to whom" in their mind, so they get found out. It is the same with secrets, since a secret is a kind of universal lie of omission.

I believe myself to be a skilled liar, but I recognize the discomfort and labor involved in it, so it's a skill I don't want to use often. I very, VERY much prefer to live my values and speak my truths, sometimes to excess, even. But I have no need to act unrealistically virtuous, to say that I never lie or even that I hate lies. I certainly recognize that there are occasions where they serve sensible purposes.

And what I'm realizing today that I'm interested in...is that I find myself feeling a little judgmental toward those who claim to be unilaterally opposed to dishonesty of any kind for any reason. My feeling is that they are exposing themselves as...simple. Socially naive, perhaps. And unwilling to admit to what I think is a near-universal human behavior, lest they be judged for it.

My older son, Ninja, last night, was talking about a mental exercise he was working on, noting the "seven deadly sins" (though none of us are religious) that he would correlate with the various signs of the Zodiac. He said that Aries like him, have to beware of wrath, it's his weakness and downfall. I mildly concurred as I've known a number of Aries who struggle with volatile tempers. He said that mine, that of Capricorn, would be without a doubt, pride. Seems legit to me. I do try to check myself when I'm being arrogant or judgmental, but it happens, I thought at the time... Well I might have to check my pride in this conversation I was in, with regard to lying, before I become insufferable.
 
I'm going to a Mary Kay party tonight.

It is so absurdly outside of my typical comfort zone of activities it's just kind of funny in and of itself. But mainly there are people I want to socialize with, and Fire is hosting and she's going out of town soon for a while, so I will take what opportunities I can, to spend time with her and with some of the others who will be there. Also, Fire likes it when I am girly. :) So. I will do girly things today. Heck, maybe our friend can sell me something that is easy to use and doesn't feel cruddy and look a mess after a couple of hours.

I don't think I ever want to be someone who puts on makeup every day. I just like to wear it to events now and again. But I feel like I am bad at it, and even my most carefully crafted looks fall apart after a short time. Sometimes the harder I try, the worse of a mess I make. I hate finding myself, 2 hours into a 5 hour party, standing in the ladies' room, looking in the mirror annoyed with how my lipstick is mostly worn off and crudding out where my skin is slightly dry (and it dries it even worse, when I put anything on my lips but moisturizer) and my eye products are accumulating in the crease of my eyelid and looking crumbly about the areas of my eyeliner and probably smeared where I touched it without thinking, my hair is starting to frizz and I just...it's awful. Yet when I go fairly natural, hair clean and conditioned, no makeup, I feel like I look nice.

I suspect part of my problem is old products that weren't high quality to begin with. But how do I justify spending significant amounts on stuff I will barely use? And then since I barely ever use it, I don't replace it with "fresh" product, it sits under my sink for like 10 years. I went online once, and looked for advice for good looking lipstick in particular, and ended up finding everything from a twice-daily regimen of carefully exfoliating with a special little brush, then applying like 5 layers of various products...to loads of links to "This is the best stuff ever!" for things you go to some special beauty website and it's like this tiny bottle of stuff for $60... Just so much nope. So I concluded that it's all a racket and a scam, I like my face just fine, and girling is dumb and I don't wanna. I can barely keep up with clipping my damn toenails, I'm not trying to "exfoliate" my lips twice a day. Nonsense.

So. Guess we'll see how this goes.
 
Well, the Mary Kay thing was not bad. First of all, as I was being a good sport for something that isn't normally in my wheelhouse, I had a barely controllable case of the snark. Everyone there was part of the kink scene including the woman hosting at her house (Fire) and the friend who was presenting the um...presentation. Thing. So I was able to be silly at least here and there, but I was trying not to be too much and disrupt things too much.

She was talking about how the foundation was there to not clog pores but provide a protective layer against the environmental contaminants and crud of the regular world and such and I was like, "It's like a condom. For your face."

Not your typical Mary Kay party I am sure. Gotta say though, I imagined the makeup as being probably way excessive to what would ever interest me and probably not to my taste. In fact there are some products I might very well buy. At the very least, I could try getting some makeup products like eyeliner that I can be confident are not complete crap, and eliminate one variable in the "why do I hate this experience?" situation when I do wear makeup. (I've always wondered if my bad experiences have to do with cheap/inferior product, but just can't justify spending much on things I don't use very often.)

I actually already do all of the steps she talked about in skin care, more or less. And I'm pretty happy with how my skin is with my current setup. So I don't think I'll buy the cleansers, lotions or potions. Just maybe a little makeup.

Unfortunately, the gal who was doing the thing had to run and meet with someone and she was going to come back...and I was really enjoying my time with Fire, Hefe and another friend of ours, but then Ninja needed me to come home and give his friend-girl a ride back to her college...so I could not wait for our Mary Kay selling friend to return. I had to dash.

I plan to go to one party this weekend, at Voodoo...possibly skipping game night, and almost certainly skipping the Hypnosis group on Sunday. Not only is it kinda not my thing unless I really need people-time, but it's supposed to be snowing on Sunday. Not tryin' to drive in snow, just to go to a social thingie.

I didn't sleep well. The cat was bugging me in the night, and I was too hot, too cold, and so on...so I wish I could just go home and go back to bed. Alas, I cannot.
 
Anger about teenagers. I think it's universal to have some negative feelings. My daughters were actually worse in their 20s, I think because we homeschooled and were very close and loving... they had to break bonds to become their adult selves. It's still ongoing. I never tried to helicopter them despite homeschooling. I always gave them choices and tried to encourage independence!

But now one isn't talking to me, hasn't for a few years, and I don't know why. We finally saw each other last March and had a nice talk, but she's been avoiding me since. She's now 32. And my other daughter who has mental issues, well, she got off drugs and into Jesus and moved to another part of the state. Yesterday she put an open invitation on FB to invite "anyone who wants to come despite short notice" to her oldest daughter's 3rd birthday.

When I responded on her post with interest, she didn't get back to me. At 3 am this morning I saw she texted me. The party is just for her daughter's "little friends, sorry."

Can you imagine? What in gay hell? I haven't seen them since I got cancer because I was too sick to drive. And she didn't visit or help me in any way when I was so weak and tired. And she calls herself a devout Christian. And now she disinvites me to her daughter's birthday.

Well. These situations and scenarios don't anger me, per se. I feel sad. I think anger is a cover-up emotion for sadness or frustration or fear or maybe other truer emotions. I don't think it's necessary to BE angry at tough situations, either past or present.

(And I am hopeful my daughter will think of me after the party is over and invite me to my own special visit. Maybe the real reason is, her apartment isn't large, and it will be full of preschoolers and basically too crowded and nutso to properly socialise. But sigh... I love little children, it would have been fun to have been involved.)

I do realise you're still dealing with decades of a bad marriage. You're finding yourself for the first time in a way, your true Spork self. What use is anger? As a parent, you worry, you get frustrated, you play the see saw of being needed and being dissed, etc., etc. I think all we can do is make our own fun and be with people who, unlike our kids, love us for who we are! That is what you do do, and I think it's great.
 
Spork said:
I'm not trying to "exfoliate" my lips twice a day. Nonsense.
Click to expand...

Just run your toothbrush lightly across your lips when you brush your teeth whenever you remember. Not a huge amount of exfoliation, but enough to deflake your lips enough for lipstick.

Signed, a lazy red lipstick fiend - and bright red looks terrible on chapped lips. ;-)
 
icesong said:
Just run your toothbrush lightly across your lips when you brush your teeth whenever you remember. Not a huge amount of exfoliation, but enough to deflake your lips enough for lipstick.

Signed, a lazy red lipstick fiend - and bright red looks terrible on chapped lips. ;-)
Click to expand...

My lips are never that flaky! On really cold, single digits or below 0 days, a few applications of lip balm is all I need. But I have always had naturally oily skin. Now that I am well past menopause, I am less oily on my body. In fact, it seems, especially in winter, I make no natural oil on my body at all. I am constantly drenching myself in lotions. But my face's T area is still oily. Which I am glad of, since I am not as wrinkly as many women my age.


Spork, doesn't Fire have an order form? Find out before she leaves. You could try a new good quality eyeliner and see if it works so well, you might actually enjoy using it more often! Maybe being just a touch more girly might be a fun part of your new life. If you want.
 
Pixie eyeliner "endless silky eye pen" is great and available at Target. I see it's on sale on the website. It's a soft pencil that goes on smooth, has rich color and is long lasting. I love it - and it's cruelty-free. There are some drugstore brands like this one that are as high quality (and sometimes even better) than department store and "specialty" lines like Mary Kay. Expen$ive does not always equally higher quality.
 
It wasn't Fire who was selling the stuff, she was just hosting at her house, but the other friend did get in touch with me yesterday and I bought a bunch of stuff from her.

Thing is, she is a delightful person, and I had the dual purpose of getting some makeup and supporting the endeavors of a dear friend. That feels good. I got the basics - foundation, a small assortment of eyeshadows, an eyeliner, blush and a lip gloss - and she gave me some free stuff, too. I probably won't be a regular customer because I won't be using this stuff THAT often. I doubt I'll ever be more than an occasional wearer of cosmetics.

Besides, Zen gave me birthday money and I ought to spend at least some of that on myself, huh? I think so. And I get to girl up for him now and again. It works.

I don't think it was any more pricey than what it would have been in a store, even Target, if I'd bought all of those things. Makeup isn't cheap.

We finally got a little snow here! All of 3 whole inches of it. Woo hoo. I can't complain, I got to stay home yesterday, and my commute this morning wasn't too awful. I lazed around for about half the day but still got my housecleaning done, and I made a nice pot of beef & noodles to share with Zen when he got home from work. Felt like, since he had to venture out in the cold, I should make some nice hearty food.

Magdlyn, you are right. My teenagers make me feel complicated things, and who knows how it will be once they grow up and move on. Thing is, maybe I will bond with any grandchildren they have and maybe not. I was really attached to my boys when they were little, but in general I'm not that into kids. And you know, I've had men express shock at hearing that, as though it is nearly a crime for a woman to admit she's not obsessed with babies and totally into children. But I'm just not and never have been. Sure, I can love them when they're mine...and I did, and do...but just at face value, not so much. I very much prefer older people, as I've said often here. It is some combination of genuinely feeling comfort and appreciation with older people, and the whole concept of seeing beauty and value in places that many people in our culture don't. I feel like they don't even try, they just swallow the consumerist line that aging is ugly (I mean, if people don't believe that, then how on earth will these companies sell products and services meant to keep up the illusion of perpetual youth??) They use our very fear of eventual death to keep us sort of enslaved, and I hate that. I am more interested in a graceful acceptance of life in all stages and loving every bit of the journey for its own sake. In myself and in others. So like that woman who is over 100 and still dancing, my god, she makes me cry she's so lovely. So very...human. Not a shiny plastic illusion, but a living spirit still animating her borrowed flesh.

Old people are much more interesting, for the most part, than children are, to me. But then that's a generalization, and those are always flawed. People are individuals. I know many who reach advanced age without learning much, it seems, and they're not any better to be around than anyone. And some children are delightful, but some are little monsters.

I need to figure out what's going on with my ex, and if he wants to plan a going-away party for Ninja, which he mentioned trying to do, if Ninja is even interested in that, and when we're moving on the whole Job Corps thing. Should be soon, we're in the timeframe I'd planned for getting him signed up and on his way. It has, however, occurred to me that I should consider getting him in to the dentist and eye doctor at minimum before he leaves...possibly also a regular checkup with a regular doc, too. I mean, he's on my insurance. May as well use that.
 
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