The story of Spork.

Feeling better today. I went to meet up with a few people from the Voodoo community and had a really good bison burger on the front patio of this bar on the west side. Fun, funky little "old town" vibe in that area, lots of little galleries and antiques and such. Colorful characters walking around on the sidewalks. Good conversation, good energy. I needed that I think.

I come off these moods feeling very much like I was a whiny, petulant pain in the ass when I was in the middle of those feels. Like I need to work harder at being ok, so I don't put more stress on Zen's plate, something he's got to manage. But then too...I need to be able to ask for some affirmation from him when I need it, somehow? I don't expect him to read my mind. That's a bit of a vicious circle in my head, when I feel like I just need to hear him tell me that he desires and enjoys me but if I ask for that somehow I'm being high maintenance and needy, but if I don't ask for it, I'm not giving him the chance to know what I need... And he does not share my "words of affirmation" love language as a high priority, he's a "touch" guy I think, so...that whole thing is...a thing. Gets me twisted up now and then. And for whatever reason, my moodiness is not pre-menstrual like most women, it's just after (hence, the last couple of days.)

So here I am, feeling more or less better. Wishing sometimes I lived with a brain that had less irritating emotional BS swirling around it it, whether it's hormonal, life-programming, or relationship related. *sigh*

On another note, I saw again this billboard I find funny. It says in great big letters, "DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH PORN? So do 65% of the men in church!" and then a website for this churchy anti-porn organization called "Blazing Grace" which frankly in a state with legal pot, they could have chosen a different name. Because I'm pretty sure the weed people refer to smoking as "blazing" sometimes, and it just sounds like some kind of weed church. But I told a friend at one point I was tempted to go to a meeting and say,

"I am so glad you're here to help, yes I DO struggle with porn. See, I want to enjoy it, my boyfriend does and other people, normal people, seem to just love it, but I try and try and rarely find any that I can get into. I get so distracted by various things, it's like

Who did her hair?
Why is she making that weird noise? Do guys think that's hot? Does anyone think that's hot?
That position looks very uncomfortable, I think I'd have a leg cramp within seconds...
Don't put that...oh...oh hell, yeah they put it there. Welp, she's gonna have an infection. Gross.
Could you guys have maybe found a chick who was NOT covered in tattoos to portray the "Nun" in this video? I mean really. It's like you're not even trying.
No, that's how you scrub a pan.
No, simply sticking out your tongue in the general direction of a woman's ladyparts is not going to give her pleasure. That is not how that even works.
That guy needs to reevaluate his facial hair choices. 1976 called and they want their mutton chops back.

...and so you see, I could really use some help. How do you guys get past all of this stuff to actually appreciate porn? It is definitely a struggle for me, and I'm so glad I'm not alone here."
 
Well. Thunder in the Mountains was pretty damned awesome.

Mostly I really enjoyed the classes this year.

We attended:
Midori: "Midori's Tips On How To Get The Most Out of Thunder"
Rain DeGrey: "Feminine Dominance: The Joy of Topping"
Midori: "Non-Verbal Power and Surrender"
Stefanos & Shay: "It's a Trap: Playful Scenes & Non-Bondage Predicaments"
Master Skip Chasey: "Thunder Kiss - Love and Fear and the Single-Tail Whip"
Midori: "Mapping Your D/s Archetype"

And we popped in on a couple of others but they weren't really doing much for us, the teaching style of one presenter in particular was...not really speaking to us. He was sort of just doing a scene while everyone watched, and he wasn't being very instructive. More of a demo than a talk really.

As you can see we spent a lot of time with Midori. Anyone who is familiar with her will probably be like, "duh, I don't blame you." She is magical. Just absolutely magical. I love everything she does.

A couple of thoughts I found lovely and memorable:

"BDSM, is: Childhood joyous play, with adult sexual privilege, and really cool toys."
- Midori

"If you are a Dom who loves brats, guess what, I've got news for you... You like bottoming for humiliation play. A brat is really a humiliation Top."
- Stefanos

There was a lot more but those two amused me enough that they're still swimming around on the surface of my mind this morning.

What was a little bit annoying (me, annoying myself) was that my energy levels kept wildly fluctuating. There were times I felt great, and then there were points where for like an hour or so I just felt utterly tanked out and exhausted, physically, mentally, and spiritually sluggish. Zen and I only really did an impact scene the first night, and I wouldn't even say it was the best scene we've ever had. I did not mind that he was being instructive to a new friend we met at first (before said friend wandered off)...I would have been fine with some co-topping even, and I know that Zen does enjoy both teaching and learning. But when a random dude from a few feet away who was wrapping up a scene of his own (they were done, and in clean up mode, and the guy was nude) decided that hey, he had a cool toy that was similar to some toys Zen was just using on me and I was enjoying, and he ought to come show it off and see what we thought about it and invite us to check it out... At the time I was thinking "Well this is a breach of scene protocol for sure, but I don't really mind much because I do like people and he's just trying to be nice and..." but it did break my headspace and put a serious pause in the energy of our scene. The more I think about it after the fact, the more I wish he just HADN'T. At Voodoo, he would not have been allowed to do that, but it's pretty chaotic in the huge dungeon at Thunder and people can get away with interrupting scenes (when they effing should NOT) and so. Oh well, what's past is past.

I know I was telling myself I would be more awesome and we would do more of a THING of a scene the following (Saturday) night. But Saturday night arrived, and we had our dinner, we decided we wanted a nap, we went and napped, we woke up and had sex, and we were getting ready to head down (late as fuck) to the play party...and we both looked at each other and had kinda the same thought at the same moment. "I'm really tired, do we have to play tonight or can we just go hang out?" LOL! Hm. So we went, and wandered about the dungeon looking at stuff. I kept feeling like we should be...doing...something...but I didn't have the mojo to be making anything happen really. Conventions are exhausting.

I suggested on the way home, maybe we could put more of an effort into planning something elaborate for next year's Thunder. Perhaps if we have a plan, like maybe even to the extent of pre-packing toybags to specifically be Bag#1 for Friday night, and Bag#2 for Saturday night... I'd like to make it so that we're not having to make decisions, we can just go for it and do what we planned instead. Just pull the trigger and make it happen.

We didn't end up playing with anyone new. I would not have minded, but I was realistic enough about the flow of my interactions with others to know that trying to cruise for it and make it happen would be an added layer of stress I didn't want to deal with.

An interesting part of the Non-Verbals class with Midori. She talked about the "Steps of Power" and the "Steps of Surrender." Gonna see if I can remember them...

Steps of Power:
1. Squirrel check (identifying distracting thoughts, clearing them.)
2. Hunger check (identifying what you're hungry for, clarifying your intent.)
3. See selves ("See" yourself, "see" the target of your energy, the other person.)
4. "Pow!" Project sphere of influence. (Has a lot to do with posture and bearing.)
5. Engulf (Extend your power to engulf the subject of your attention.)

Steps of Surrender:
1. Squirrel check (same as above.)
2. Hunger check (same as above.)
3. See selves (same as above.)
4. Open your "hara" (vague term she described as your hunger energy in your belly, a Google says it is both the Japanese anatomical term for the abdominal area, and a more metaphysical energy term in martial arts and other practices.)
5. Spill it out onto the floor (she describes as releasing a sort of ocean of your desire and inviting the target of your surrender to step into it.)

Well, the Steps of Power thing is very much something I've done many many times in my life. When doing what I guess she would call "cruising" as a young person, even as a teenager, I would make myself feel confident and powerful, and project my power over the room, select a target and sort of engulf them in it. But my own process neglects the step of "seeing selves." Because as I was trying to explain to Zen on the ride home, when I envision myself, as what I've seen in photos, or the odd horrorshow of hearing my own voice recorded and played back...I don't much like what I've seen most of the time. So that phase for me is more like letting go of self consciousness and releasing my idea of what others may be seeing when they look at me, and trying to project my inner imagined self to the outside. (I actually have two "imaginary friend" like figures who embody and symbolize different aspects of my own energy--when I am doing this exercise I'm transforming from self-conscious me to a living embodiment of my energy instead.) Then the next step would be to stand somewhere and own my space and canvass the room. Take in the energy, read the people, see the patterns of movement, like a hunting creature watching a herd of prey. I would decide on my target, if I felt like it, and imagine dark ropes and tendrils, like smoke or tentacles or something, reaching out to caress and engulf them. Then I would move on them, using presence and eye contact. Or, if I were not in the mood to hunt, I'd simply stand there projecting self over the room until people inevitably approached me, which they usually would.

There was an exercise part, and Zen went forth to practice the Steps with whoever he found to do that...I should ask him how his experience went, I am curious... But I simply went over to a wall to observe. I crossed my arms (I'm very conscious of my body language when I do this) to indicate that I was not seeking a partner for the exercise, but I projected widely into the room anyways. A gentleman approached me and said, "So I'm going to guess that you're a Domme, you usually play on the Top side, right?" LOL I was wearing my collar! I laughed and said, "Not really, but that's kind of what I was projecting, so I don't blame you for thinking so." He said, "Wow, yeah, your sphere of influence is huge right now."

I need to email Midori and tell her about this. I wanted to share the story with her, but I didn't want to take up her time after the talk, she had a number of people wanting to thank her and talk to her. So I told her I'd message or email her later.
 
You know, I really do not get a ton of attention on Fetlife, and I am JUST FINE with that fact. I have all of my revealing shots set to "friends only" and my profile pic is of my collar, because I don't need every thirsty rando in the world hitting me up with their foolishness. My methods seem to have been pretty effective. I'm happy about that.

But once in a while...

And I like to laugh at the more ridiculous attempts. I got one this morning. A message telling me I seem to have a "strong mind" and that's sexy, and adventures are all well and good but it's what happens afterwards when you're alone and thinking about it that is the "real fun." My reaction as per usual is "Do I know you?" And I will go so far as to investigate a profile to check, because with all I do at the club, including for instance a discussion group last night featuring a number of perky newcomers...you just never know. This guy, had all pics of his manjunk. And in his recent activity, the exact text of the message he sent me he had posted in a group or another page, apparently it is the copy/paste BS he slings at all the ladies hoping to get some action. Oh, and the cherry on top of the silliness pie? He wrote in his profile that he is a "dominate." That's...that's not a noun bro.

The rest was about how he can fuck for a really long time and all about the particulars of how young and ready to go he is.

Dude be like, "Look at my plumbing! I have this thing, see, I've got one, and it's very special, and I can sex you with it and it'll be great, I'm ready to go, see? SEE???"

You don't say.

*sigh* Put it away, scooter. No one is impressed.

I should write a thing, "How to be a bad joke on Fetlife."
- Flagrant and obvious use of copy/paste
- Calling yourself a "dominate" (Not only the bad grammar, but a lower case "d" also...YOU KNOW NOTHING!)
- Look at my junk! LOOK AT EEET! You want, yes? Is good, yes?
- Attending exactly zero events and hitting up obviously community oriented people when you just want to get laid.

Now I just have to decide if I want to fuck with him, and if so, what ridiculousness to reply with... I mean, I don't get these opportunities every day. Shall I demand haikus about butt toys? Tell him to go on a magical quest? Hm...
 
Hahahahahaha. Brilliantly described!
 
I am a dominate.

Aww that's so precious.

Dominant me with your manjunk, sir! (lower case s in sir, of course)
 
Right??

I mean, it sounds like something my cat would say, in "LOLspeak." Like on "I can haz cheezburger."

HOOMIN! I ARE UR DOMINATE! I CAN HAZ SUBMISHUNZ NAO! kthxbai

Only it would be way more cute coming from my cat.

=^.^=
 
Spork said:
Right??

I mean, it sounds like something my cat would say, in "LOLspeak." Like on "I can haz cheezburger."

HOOMIN! I ARE UR DOMINATE! I CAN HAZ SUBMISHUNZ NAO! kthxbai

Only it would be way more cute coming from my cat.

=^.^=
Click to expand...

It would be totes adorbs coming from a cat.
 
YouAreHere said:
It would be totes apropos coming from a cat as well.

PET ME NAO!
NOT THERE! SMAK! BAD HOOMAN!
FEED ME NAO!
I LOVE UUU! I MAKE MOFNS ON UR ARM NAO!
KILL DIS MAUS I BRUNG UUUU!
CLEAN UP DIS MAUS I NO WANT!

They get away with it because they're so damn cute. That dude... eh. Not so much. Reminds me of this:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/matthewgus...f-you-did-them?utm_term=.pkd5BoAp1#.nwd7PN25n
Click to expand...

Yeah, I've seen that. Good stuff!

We joke that the cat is my Dom, for sure. Thankfully no "maus" issues...we have yet to have one in the house (that I know of) since we got Nimbus, but I'm not sure if he could really handle a mouse. He is not the most skilled hunter, he finds moths challenging enough.

Zen has taken to catching spiders in plastic containers, and putting them on the floor so that the cat can see the spider inside and "play" with it...but not actually get the container open to eat or kill it. Later, when the cat has forgotten about his "toy" I take it outside and release the spider.

So in other news of my teenager... Saturday my work had "Family Day" at an amusement park in Denver. We got free admission, which is great, since it annoys me to pay what they charge to get in knowing it's not as cool a park as some that I've been to. I mean, it's the best we have in the area, but it's no King's Dominion or King's Island.

My son has finally decided that he likes roller coasters. So that's cool. We had a pretty good time. On the way home, I was trying to play some music and of course he's not that into whatever I want to play, so he turned it off and started trying to play songs on his phone...I gave him the cable to attach it to the car stereo, and let him just play whatever.

omg you guys.

"Have you heard of this song?" It's PIANO MAN for the love of god. Of course I have. "It gets me right in the feels." OK then.

Then he played a couple of Red Hot Chili Peppers songs. Songs that were only on the radio about every other minute when I was a teenager. But hey though, they are new and exciting to my kid. "Under the Bridge" and "Otherside." Yeah, I've only heard those about a few thousand times kid. What else ya got?

"Have you ever heard of Oasis?"

I'm dying.

DYING.

No...not Wonderwall...of course it is. Jeezus. *sigh*

But you know there is something rather endearing about it all the same, even if it's mildly annoying that he automatically doesn't like anything until he "discovers" it or one of his friends tells him it's cool. If it came from Mom, nope, it's lame. Though he does acknowledge that it's cool that I introduced him to GWAR, since one of his friends in school who is in a band (some garage band I presume) knows about GWAR.

Then yesterday I got all of the most important housework I wanted to accomplish done, and took the boy shopping for new clothes and basic supplies for school, which starts in a couple of weeks. He demanded a Bob Ross backpack from Spencer's.

This: https://spencers.scene7.com/is/image/Spencers/03335338-a?$Thumbnail$

And you know...it was really pretty frivolous, just like the overpriced Vans from the mall, and the overpriced jeans from Target, and part of me was screaming about how I could get stuff that is just as good, for less, online or at Walmart, and how he's going to lose his enthusiasm for that silly backpack in probably the first month of school and demand a new one that is "normal" or something... But right now, if there is ANYTHING that I can do to make him enthusiastic about going to school...anything at all...I'm willing to shell out some bucks to make it happen. He wanted very much to do online school or even to move in with his Dad and go to a different school, but I kinda nixed those options because I deeply feel that when your problems are of your own making, you should not run away from them. You're only going to recreate them elsewhere, until you run out of options for new places to run to. "Wherever you go, there you are" and all that. At some point you have to just stand and deal with it, lay in the bed you made.

And he was really worried that the security and administration is going to be treating him badly and with suspicion because he was such a pain last year, skipping school and all that. I was like, "How many kids go to your school, hundreds?" He said, "thousands." (I don't know but it doesn't matter.) I said, "What you need to remember, is that your school's security, administration, and staff, is dealing with ALL THOSE STUDENTS and they have no choice but to focus on whoever is being a problem RIGHT NOW. So if you go back, and you are not the problem kid you were before, they are not going to have time to be looking at you under a microscope. They've got other kids to worry about, who ARE being problems right now." He thought about that and I hope it relaxed him a little. He is just so intensely self conscious at this age. But last year, he told me, he was starting to relax and be more "chill" and just have his own style that wasn't fitting in totally with this look or that group, and the less he cared what other people thought of him...he felt like that's how he got a girlfriend. People thought he was cool and they started coming to him.

This is only something I've been telling both of my boys since like the beginning of middle school. The fewer fucks you have to give, the more people at that age will be drawn to you. Cultivate your chill and stop trying so hard to please people. But of course nothing is cool or legit if it comes from Mom, it's only when they discover an idea (or a song) for themselves that they can appreciate it. Yeah...I guess this is just what parenting teenagers is about. Telling them stuff and then waiting for them to discover it for themselves after they totally ignore you as though you were speaking another language.

I think the next stage after they get well into their 20's and are figuring out how to "adult" is where they start saying "I realize now you were always telling me XYZ and wow...you were right..." I did that with my parents anyhow. We'll see.
 
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Quick update...

Life is great! Mostly.

Zen is great, I continue to be deeply in love, often to a point that defies words. We spent a lot of time together over the weekend, and I look forward to more time with him this week than usual. Looks like we'll have 3 evenings together, before Friday. Yay!!

I was contemplating things a bit last night, and I told him some of my thoughts...just that I am so full of love and desire for him, just being near him makes me feel both hungry and satiated all at once. I am joyful that I have this. Yet at the same time, I occasionally think, there were other men in my life before him who wanted this kind of love and desire from me, and I simply didn't have it for them. Some of them were truly good people that I am and was deeply fond of like Hefe and Analyst. Both men who are so very worthy of love, yet for some reason the energy connection between me and them did not feel...like this. And Old Wolf of course...I can state so many reasons that he wasn't a good partner, but at the same time, he did devote all he had to our marriage and family. I mean, that bundle of "all he had" included good and bad stuff. Lots of bad stuff. But he worked so hard in the military, on some levels and in some ways I feel he deserved a lot better than what he's got now. At other times I think he's got exactly what he deserves. But circling around though...in my talking to men especially online who are struggling with love and dating, it's so heartbreaking how they/we/people, end up feeling that being loved by another person is the validation of their worthiness as a human being. I have known so many deeply worthy and valuable people, yet I cannot award my love and desire as a simple badge of merit. And what's so special about Zen? Why Zen? That's hard to say. It's...kind of everything.

It's how intellectually stimulated I am by so many things he likes, and how we can talk to each other. It's his willingness to listen, his ability to empathize and be supportive, that is very rare in men, especially once they are IN a relationship. Zen and I are nearly 3 years into our relationship and usually, with most men I've ever known, they might do a convincing job of "listening" and "being there" for a woman when they are trying to get things started in the beginning, but once they are together, they stop doing that, and Zen has not stopped doing that. And he makes me feel so good, and his energy is so loving. He's just a magical person, to me. And I feel like, not everyone gets to experience all of this wonderful stuff about him, he has been sort of private and quiet about it, and I always feel so honored to be let into his world. I wish I could come up with a word that makes more sense than "energy" but I can't. It's his energy. It fits and flows with mine, or at least that is how it feels to me.

So while I feel sorrow at the thought that I may have caused hurt to others who wanted what I've given Zen, especially men who on some level "deserved better"...from someone, if not from me?... I am joyful in what we share.

Another thought I've had lately, on another subject...

I am interested about the idea of topping for various things, I've got all of these candles for wax play, I have a violet wand, I've got a bunch of fire stuff, I am considering making up a sensation play kit... I'll have a kit for all sorts of different kinds of play before long. Yet always I've had this gut-deep hesitation that is hard to understand or explain. I have been trying to work at it in my mind from a different angle. When I was a teenager, I definitely was more Dominant, and what was different then? The key is in the language. I was never much of a service top, but I could at times pull of doing sadistic or top-type things when I was being Dominant in my interactions. Of course back then, I didn't have the understanding I now do, of consent and how all of this is supposed to work. I was kind of an asshole honestly. I had one friend I just basically abused. And a girlfriend I engaged in D/s behavior with, that was never negotiated, but she seemed to like. (In retrospect, based on a few incidents and how she spoke at times, I think she was actually a little. I'm not really interested in a Big/little relationship, but I think I was picking up on her subby energy and responding to that.)

So it is possible that I may actually need to build a D/s play relationship with someone...one that is not an "escalator" relationship involving tons of outside-the-club investment and involvement, but one involving more rituals and behaviors than simply setting up and doing scene play with friends does. An interaction with more power exchange to it, could make me feel more comfortable doing top things, could get me in the correct headspace to get past the hesitation I feel in topping at the "service top" level. Maybe. It is something I need to give more thought to. And I don't really have any great candidates for what I'm looking for in a sub, at the moment, I would need to give that more thought as well.

Anyhow. Last week was busy and kind of draining, but the weekend has recharged me. I got lots of Zen time, lots of rest, and I cleaned my house, and I really needed all of that. I feel great, today! And I have just had a breakthrough in an audit I'm working on, found some information that has been eluding me, so even my work stuff feels awesome.

Stuff is good!
 
Had fun last night. The club has...well, they call it a munch, I guess, but it's not a proper one. It's not at a restaurant, it's a get together at a bar. Anyhow they do that once a month and I usually don't go, but I've got a coworker who has seemed very interested in joining the scene. So she wanted to go, so I went.

It was a good call. Had about 6 of us there, a couple who have been around about as long as I have, Hefe, my coworker, me, and a relatively new guy. Not only was it good to hang out with new-coworker-friend-person, it was pretty awesome to spend time with Hefe. I got to thinking about how much I miss having good times with Fire and Hefe. I was very glad he came out.

I am pretty sure my coworker friend will be coming to events at the club, probably starting with the tastings party on Sept. 1. I'm just hoping that I make it to that. Ninja will be visiting from Montana/Job Corps that week. Ordinarily I'd assume that means I'm just not available, but he does have plans to spend time with his...well, now she is his girlfriend. Yeah. The gal he has been on/off with since they were like 12, she has agreed now to be his girlfriend again, and he's been talking about engagement rings.

He also dropped the welding program and went into culinary arts, and I kinda want to strangle him for that. The whole point of going to Job Corps was to get an in-demand and well paying job skill, and we had employment lined up for the boy once he got out. I don't know why he did this, but we're going to discuss in when he comes to visit. Of course...he is 19. So he gets to make his own mistakes and live with the consequences now. But dammit. Welding could really see him SET...and I just cannot say the same for culinary arts, especially when we're talking about this kid, he's like the king of ramen noodles. Kraft mac & cheese is too complicated and too much work for him. So wtf, y'know?

Q started 11th grade today. Hopefully he gets his act together this year. He's got a hard road ahead if he wants to graduate with his class, and he seems to think he's going to move out the minute he turns 18 and live on his own. He said this morning, "even if he has to be homeless." All this because I told him that his focus needed to be on his academics and not his social life. He can be so incredibly bitchy sometimes I swear.

Kids.

Anyhow.

I'm tired, my kids are a pain, but I'm having a decent day anyhow.
 
Spork said:
He also dropped the welding program and went into culinary arts, and I kinda want to strangle him for that. The whole point of going to Job Corps was to get an in-demand and well paying job skill, and we had employment lined up for the boy once he got out. I don't know why he did this, but we're going to discuss in when he comes to visit. Of course...he is 19. So he gets to make his own mistakes and live with the consequences now. But dammit. Welding could really see him SET...and I just cannot say the same for culinary arts, especially when we're talking about this kid, he's like the king of ramen noodles. Kraft mac & cheese is too complicated and too much work for him. So wtf, y'know?
Click to expand...

In defence of Ninja, he may have made his decision more along the lines of how he'd like to spend his time in life, rather than in terms of job security or money. And I think that's a pretty valid thing, myself. Welding can be an extremely routine and boring job, actually. You often have to become rather machine-like and just plod ahead in numbing boredom in this job. Perhaps occasionally folks can find creative and interesting welding jobs, but it's often like being a factory worker on an assembly line. Whereas culinary arts offers plenty of opportunities to be creative and engaged. Both are hard careers though!

But I hear you about the strange turn of interest. Who'd expect this kid to want to work in culinary arts?! But it does happen now and then that someone will catch a spark from out of the blue.
 
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River said:
In defence of Ninja, he may have made his decision more along the lines of how he'd like to spend his time in life, rather than in terms of job security or money. And I think that's a pretty valid thing, myself. Welding can be an extremely routine and boring job, actually. You often have to become rather machine-like and just plod ahead in numbing boredom in this job. Perhaps occasionally folks can find creative and interesting welding jobs, but it's often like being a factory worker on an assembly line. Whereas culinary arts offers plenty of opportunities to be creative and engaged. Both are hard careers though!

But I hear you about the strange turn of interest. Who'd expect this kid to want to work in culinary arts?! But it does happen now and then that someone will catch a spark from out of the blue.
Click to expand...

I guess my annoyance is just that I thought we had a sort of plan for him, that would see his future pretty secure. We have a friend of the family who works for a company that maintains power plants. He is able to get other people in on jobs, he's done so for my ex and for his own daughter. The friend is the safety manager, but there's a huge demand for welders. So he'll go for a few weeks or a couple months tops, and travel to a work site, and do a job, and make a TON of money (which welders do as well) and he might do that a few times a year and he doesn't even have to work at all the rest of the year. I figured if Ninja did that sort of work for a while, basically while he is young and strong, and if he socked away savings and invested, he could probably retire early before the toll of physical labor became too much on him.

It seemed like a pretty solid plan, especially since he could get the trade training for free.

Instead now he's training in culinary arts, which amounts to him working in the cafeteria of this center more often than not, and this might get him...what? A job in a mediocre chain restaurant to start, if he's lucky, rather than a minimum wage fast food gig if he's not? And if he wanted to become a very successful and well paid chef, he'd have to go on to a serious culinary institute, and also compete with others who have been passionate about cooking for most of their lives. And the kid is generally content to live on ramen and the occasional TV dinner (ugh) when he's left to his own devices. Unlike my younger son, Q, who has cared enough about learning to cook that he's looked up recipes online, ordered special gadgets on Amazon, and asked for me to buy particular ingredients from the store. But even he is only doing this for his own pleasure, he doesn't care to try and make a living with it. He's aiming for a cyber security job.

So to me, it's just a big heap of "what the hell are you thinking of??"

And I wonder if he either didn't get along with someone in the welding program, or found it to just be a lot of hard work and not much fun...? I'm definitely wanting to discuss it with him and see what is up.

In other news, Q started back up in school yesterday and he says he had a good day. He also said he wants to hang out with his friends today and asked me for money to do so, and I was willing to shoot him some $ but I told him in no uncertain terms that I ABSOLUTELY AM NOT AVAILABLE to pick him up from anywhere this evening. I'm on the books to be manager on duty for Game Night at the club and I cannot and will not leave to fetch him from somewhere. Not gonna happen. He said it was ok, he had his bus pass...but he hasn't been really practicing riding the bus, and I fuss about his ability to read the schedule and figure out what he's doing. The bus does not easily go from anywhere to anywhere, it is kind of limited.

Guess if he gets stuck somewhere, he can wait until midnight when my thing is over and I can go find him. It makes me nervous anyhow. Yet he is very nearly 17, and at his age I was out in the world so much more than he was, so I do kind of want him to go forth and be a teenager. Kind of the eternal struggle, how much to hang on and how much to let go.

I'm in a good mood this morning, taking a moment between things to type this up, but I have lots of work to do and it's fun and engaging work (to me at least.) I just built a really brilliant and very sexy spreadsheet. It gives me great joy, the moment when you test your very complex formulas and boom, everything works. So nice! And Zen and I ate at one of my favorite restaurants last night, Mimi's, which is a sort of French & American comfort food place with lovely atmosphere. I got the chicken/bacon cheddar mac, which is a penne with delicious Tillamook cheddar sauce and chicken and bacon pieces in it, with baked cheesy crumbles on top and a little basil and seasoning. It's freakin' yummy. And we got these butter spice muffins that were amazing, too. A sort of nutmeg spice cake effect with cinnamon sugar on top. Then we watched some Farscape and had such good sex I'm still tingling. I'm always blown away by how responsive I am to his touch. Sure, there are things he can do to me and for me, that no one else ever really has, or no one ever has so well...but at the same time, even things others have done, never felt the same. It's like I am attuned to his energy, and it gives his touch an extra buzz for me....I mean, if I think of it in "woo" terms. At what point do I stop even trying to be logical and practical and just say that there is something...I don't know what, but something...to this whole "energy" business? I don't know if it's chakras, or pheromones, or it's all in my head. But it's wonderful, whatever it is. Even vanilla sex feels kinky as hell when I'm getting it from Zen. He definitely "changes my brain chemistry" as he likes to say.

Alrighty. Back to work...
 
Ha, I'm equally hesitant to use "woo" terms, but I feel like Artist and I have that kind of energy/connection in bed. (Which is brilliant and yet can also be a problem sometimes, as one might guess if you've bee reading my story...)
 
Spork said:
I guess my annoyance is just that I thought we had a sort of plan for him, that would see his future pretty secure. We have a friend of the family who works for a company that maintains power plants. He is able to get other people in on jobs, he's done so for my ex and for his own daughter. The friend is the safety manager, but there's a huge demand for welders. So he'll go for a few weeks or a couple months tops, and travel to a work site, and do a job, and make a TON of money (which welders do as well) and he might do that a few times a year and he doesn't even have to work at all the rest of the year. I figured if Ninja did that sort of work for a while, basically while he is young and strong, and if he socked away savings and invested, he could probably retire early before the toll of physical labor became too much on him.
Click to expand...

I'm completely with you. Teenagers have all these audacious plan about what they would LIKE to do but, unless they are supremely talented or lucky, need to figure out what the job market is looking for. Our 15-year-old son wants to be a marine biologist. In Florida. The competition he would face is insane, and he hardly has a 4.0 average.

Our 12-year-old daughter, on the other hand, wants to follow in her father's footsteps and become an engineer. We have steered her on the path of environmental engineer. By the time she graduates college, the recruiters will be beating down her door.

Back in the early 2000's, I had just finished a criminal justice degree I didn't even really want. One day, I heard on the radio that there was such a shortage of nurses we were bringing them here from overseas. The next day, I started a plan on getting into nursing school which shocked the hell out of my then-husband. Caught that wave just in time. To be honest, I was already 30 and knew where misguided fantasies could get you! I've even gotten to the point in my career where I get to stay home and work behind a computer in my pajamas.
 
So I've stopped receiving email notifications for people posting to this thread, and I'm not sure why. I didn't change anything. I need to poke around in my settings, I guess? I was using email notices to prompt me to come check on things here....but then they just stopped coming.

Things have been interesting here. I have a coworker who is getting into the community. That's pretty cool. But she's quite young, and she's a bright eyed, bushy tailed newbie. Super cute. I like her, and I am trying to make sure she proceeds with a good understanding of best practices where kink is concerned. Actually I think I rescued her from vanilla dating and the world of muggles just in the nick of time. She had been kind of letting what guys wanted, dictate the formation and course of her relationships, I think...and just bailing when it started looking too serious, because she doesn't feel ready for things like marriage and she's not sure she even wants to have kids.

I think what she needs, is someone who will monogamously date her and love her (but live separately) and not move on hardcore escalation for a matter of maybe 2-3 years. Give her TIME. That's really something I've noticed a lot about young people though, they don't give themselves enough time. It's a mistake I've definitely made before. But the way my relationship with Zen hasn't felt rushed, to me, like we've taken enough time to be on board at various stages, in my opinion...it's just been so great. So I'm giving people advice lately to slow their rolls, because a lot of the relationship mistakes I've noticed have been related to jumping forward too fast.

This goes many times over, with a newbie to kink. Not just in terms of playing safe with the dangerous toys we get up to and all. But in terms of relationships. And in terms of personal growth she needs to do, if she's going to advocate well on her own behalf and make good choices.

Anyone here, who is involved (or has been) with kink in a community, and is familiar with how poly and kink seem to have their own lexicon, ethics, codes of ideology and conduct? Things like being responsible for ourselves, for our behavior and choices. Things like negotiating and communicating, rather than assuming stuff. Unbundling the many aspects of relationships, and considering them separately. All those...things. And then you meet some person from vanilla-land and they come with this package of muggle mentality full of things like, "Well, if I say I like him, I maybe just agreed to sex" and "Is it ok for me to not want xyz? Or am I just being uptight?"

Oh honey.

So I am doing some...light mentoring? I guess? Just trying to make sure this lovely young woman understands, she has all the power in the world to say yes or no to things. And yes to flogging, doesn't mean yes to whatever anyone wants. You can say no for now, no for ever, whatever your instincts tell you is right today, is FINE. And anyone in our community worth their salt (and I feel most of us are) will respect you and your boundaries.

(Jersey guy has even improved tremendously I'm happy to say. He now knows how to give hugs without taking nonconsensual snuggles in the process. He's also becoming quite good with rope and finding plenty of happy and willing play partners, so that's cool.)

Anyhow. I think that the best thing for her to do is to give herself time. Time to acclimate to the ideologies. Time to learn. Time to grow. Time to figure out what she even likes or wants. There's no rush. She is coming to a discussion group tonight, and I'm happy about that. And she's planning to go to her first party, a tastings event, soon. Funny how we build these things up in our minds before we do them. The parties and all, it's kind of "old hat" to me now...fun still, but familiar and very comfortable...it's a bit amusing to see a newcomer buzzing with anticipation about it.

In other news. A community member I've seen at events and talked to a little bit, not someone who has ever come on to me or been a person of any great interest, just some dude...he just friended me on Facebook and sent me a message.

Him: Good Morning.
Me: Hi! What's up?
Him: Not much. Just getting rolling. Gonna be a busy day. You?
Me: At work. I've been up and rolling busy since like 5:30am. Haha
Him: Wow

I saw the notification for the "Wow" but didn't open it, so it would not have shown him that I read it, and he then sent a gif, which I also didn't open so I don't know what it was.

I'm ignoring him a bit now. Because ya know...when I hang with people face to face, we can make small talk about nothing. That's fine. But otherwise, I assume that people are doing stuff, living their lives, and I think it's kind of gauche to just reach out to someone you don't know like "I want to waste some of your time. I assume you have nothing better to do than to exchange meaningless chatter with zero substance about nothing."

Especially when that person has said "I am at work. I am busy."

Which was my way of saying, "If you have a reason for contacting me, get to it."

I might understand if it were a really young person, maybe, one of these kids who is all about texting, but even Q, who at 16 is definitely all about texting, doesn't tend to do it for no reason with nothing to say. But this guy is older. He understands the technology enough to send a gif, so he's not in the "I don't get how to talk on the internets" camp. Am I being kind of bitchy right now in feeling like, "Dude, why?"

I sometimes complain about not doing a better job of keeping in contact with people I care about, or even feeling sorry for myself that some don't contact me (like family members who don't call)...but if I make contact, I have stuff to say. I don't reach out to be just like "Oh hi. Nothing. Wow." as though people's time has no value whatsoever.

IT'S HIGHLY ILLOGICAL, CAPTAIN.
 
My boyfriend's advice when I talk to him about reaching out to people online or by text is always, "Just say 'Hi, how are you' and let the conversation go from there." When I point out that that's often the *only* thing I have to say, and I don't want to interrupt them just for small talk, he says, "But that's how you have conversations."

He seems a lot more socially competent than I am, so I'm never sure when we have discussions like that which of us is right... Personally, I don't mind someone messaging me for small talk, because I'm usually just happy to hear from someone (I don't have many people who message me for any reason), and sometimes small talk leads to an interesting conversation. At the same time, though, *I* prefer not messaging someone unless either I have something specific to talk to them about, or it's someone I already have a connection with (friend, partner, etc.) And sometimes the small talk doesn't lead to anything other than awkwardness...

As for your wide-eyed coworker, I think it's great that you're mentoring her. All the time on Fet, and occasionally in talking to people in person, I hear people--usually women--saying things like "I'm a sub, so shouldn't I let him do whatever he wants?" or "Well, it says on my profile that I'm into bondage, so I kind of have to let this guy tie me up, right?" I'm glad your friend has you to steer her away from that kind of thinking.
 
KC43 said:
My boyfriend's advice when I talk to him about reaching out to people online or by text is always, "Just say 'Hi, how are you' and let the conversation go from there." When I point out that that's often the *only* thing I have to say, and I don't want to interrupt them just for small talk, he says, "But that's how you have conversations."

He seems a lot more socially competent than I am, so I'm never sure when we have discussions like that which of us is right... Personally, I don't mind someone messaging me for small talk, because I'm usually just happy to hear from someone (I don't have many people who message me for any reason), and sometimes small talk leads to an interesting conversation. At the same time, though, *I* prefer not messaging someone unless either I have something specific to talk to them about, or it's someone I already have a connection with (friend, partner, etc.) And sometimes the small talk doesn't lead to anything other than awkwardness...

As for your wide-eyed coworker, I think it's great that you're mentoring her. All the time on Fet, and occasionally in talking to people in person, I hear people--usually women--saying things like "I'm a sub, so shouldn't I let him do whatever he wants?" or "Well, it says on my profile that I'm into bondage, so I kind of have to let this guy tie me up, right?" I'm glad your friend has you to steer her away from that kind of thinking.
Click to expand...

That is good to know.

I mean, I guess it can be different with a little context. If someone were reaching out to me on, say, a dating site, I'd know exactly why I'm getting a message. On Facebook though, it's like an alternative to texting from my perspective, and I guess I rarely assume someone (and admittedly, particularly a man) is reaching out to simply be friendly. It felt a bit odd to me.

But again, maybe that's why I struggle with maintaining friendships. I rarely reach out without subject matter that I know I want to talk about. If I text someone, it's "I found this thing I wanted to share with you" or "Oh hey so I wanted to ask, xyz?" or...something.
 
I totally do the “here is a random tidbit” sort of texts rather than just saying hi. It’s like being a magpie collecting and presenting shiny things. Then you can keep talking about the thing and naturally segue into “how are you” or other conversation.
 
I guess that the other thing about the random conversation is that I'm totally cool with it, if it's someone I have a bit of connection with, and they just feel like talking. These are people I'd want to talk to already. Part of my "what?" was that I don't really know this dude. Like we're friendly acquaintances at a very light level, I just see him here and there, we have no history of interaction. And he is a Dom in the scene, so my first thought is often enough "do you have some kind of an agenda here?" If he had some question like "Are you going to be at the thing on Friday?" or "My Voodoo membership has lapsed, do I need to do another orientation?" or...anything...it would have made sense.

I get a lot of friends talking about random guys they don't even know trying to strike up conversations on Facebook and elsewhere, and I don't get much of that personally. I've always been kinda glad for that, though I do have a sense of humor when they're silly-stupid randos. But the kind of trite small talk I'd make with someone I know about as well as some of my (not friend type) coworkers, people I barely brush past in life, it may be natural to do when we encounter each other face to face, but it feels bizarre in electronic form. It would be as though one of said coworkers sent me an email that just said, "Hi." And I was like, "Hey, what's going on, need help with something?" and they responded with, "No. It's a nice day out. I brought a bagel for breakfast. Happy Friday." Oh...kayyy... You emailed me for that?

Anyhow. I went and spent some time with a friend yesterday. It was nice. It's something I have meant to do, making time here and there to talk one-on-one with friends.

Then went to a discussion group for the last half of it. Oddly before I'd arrived, they'd had 2 random guys show up wanting to know more about the club, which isn't bad, but they weren't there really for a discussion group. They hoped to play. Sometimes we get them like that, they figure it's a "sex club" so...as my son would say, "Sex could happen at any time!" and they're usually very weird and awkward and say odd things, and then disappear and never return. We try to be welcoming and informative, but when their desires don't instantly materialize, they generally weed themselves out fast. As we were leaving, another dude pulled up in a truck to ask what the club was about...we told him, gave him the card, told him how to find events, and he wanted to know "what's going on in there tonight"...which at that point was nothing, since even the group was done. But he seemed like a reasonably normal acting human and I imagine he'll probably come back.
 
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