The struggle continues

[Bunny784]

Hello all,

It has been a while. My original introduction post is here

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=101302&highlight=bunny784

(I hope I did that right)

The short version, my husband met his GF, lets call her Kim, online last February, she lives out of state. He had her come for a visit a month or so later, last March. I told him I was uncomfortable with that, it happened anyway. I went out of town, but still met Kim. She is a lovely person, but I can not see past the relationship that I did not agree to, so I dislike her (yes, I know that is unfair).

Fast forward to summer, he decided to go see Kim. I told him no. He told me he wanted me to be ok with it, but then booked the flight to go spend a week with his girl friend the same day I told him I was not ok with that. When he got back, he said he knew he made a mistake when he went, regretted his trip and was considering ending the relationship. I told him I could not handle the relationship, he could either end it with her or I would file for an amicable divorce, he begged me not to file for divorce. That was in July. At some point in there I had a conversation with Kim and told her I was not ok with this relationship and not ok with the trip, to which she replied something to the effect of, "I know, I'm sorry. Neither of us were looking for this, it just happened. We really care about each other." I have not talked to her since, much to my husbands dismay. They both say they are sorry a lot, but that means nothing to me since they just carry along.

So, here we are a year and many fights later and he still is in a relationship with Kim as well as a marriage with me. I am miserable, he knows it. He has told me that this is who he is and it hurts that I do not accept him for him. He has also told me that once things with Kim fizzle out, he will not pursue another relationship like this because "it's not worth it." So, I am like WTH? Is this a "need" or a "want." He did take a 6 week break from his relationship with her so we could focus on our relationship, however, he was very negative about couples therapy so I did not pursue it. I felt it a waist of $120 per session if he was telling me it was not going to help before we tried it. Instead of spending time talking to me while on this break he started a side business and comes home and goes straight to his home office. Some nights we watch TV. He avoids the topic, I think in hopes that it will just go away.

He is going for another visit next week. The only way he would agree to the break from her was if I agreed to a visit to go to see her, "So she knows our relationship is not over." I told him that I want it to end it with her and don't care about her feelings (I know that is bad, but it's honest). I also explained that backing me into that corner was not actually me agreeing to the visit, but as far as he is concerned I agreed to this visit and was involved in the planning so I can not be upset about it.

So, here is where we are now. I am miserable, have accepted that I am ok with non-monogamy, but not this relationship with Kim. He knows this, but still expects me to figure it out and work it out in therapy. Regardless of countless conversations where I have explained I am very uncomfortable with him having a deep emotional relationship with another woman, he tells me he does not understand why I feel that way. As far as he is concerned he loves me and that should be sufficient. He compares his relationship to her as a relationship with a close friend and tells me that playing video games with her once a week is no different than playing video games with other friends. But then he turns around and tells me he loves her and values his relationship with her and he will not break up with her. I am just confused.

When we talk about a divorce, he puts it all on me. At this point, I am completely disengaged in our relationship. We barely have sex. I cuddle when he asks, but I pretty much just lie there. Almost every day he asks me if I am ok. I tell him "no," he asks what is wrong, I say "the same shit that is always wrong." We went on a family vacation with my family had had a fight in front of my parents so this is spilling out into other parts of my life. It also affects my work. Despite therapy, I am depressed, miserable, and not taking care of myself. As far as I am concerned, our marriage is pretty much over, but he tells me how much he loves me, that I am the most important thing in his life, and he wants me to stay. I feel if I was the most important thing, he would end it with her (this is probably wrong) and take a more active role in our marriage. I am really close to professional licensure and a big move or life change right now would be difficult to handle on top of everything else. But I should be testing in a few months.

I am very honest with him that there are other issues with our marriage and this relationship with Kim was a catalyst that was the breaking point for me. If my needs were being met, maybe I could find a way to deal with her. But he has not been meeting my basic needs and I am expected to accommodate the two of their needs. Now that I am at the "her or me" point, he is starting to do things around the house, but I feel it is too late.

I do still love him, but at his point the anger and resentment run deep. When we ignore the fact that our marriage is falling apart and we just go do something fun, sometimes I am ok, but that ok feeling is less and less. I do not talk to Kim and have no idea how much she actually knows besides me not being happy about their relationship.

Ultimately, I guess my question is this. If my husband decided somewhere along the line that he is poly, but I did not know that, is it fair for him to expect me to just accept it? I have told him I am not ok with it. I have read books, gone to therapy, and tried to resolve that, but I can not deal with his relationship with his girlfriend. I am honestly not sure if it is the polyamory, or the way this relationship happened and my feelings of being ignored and taken for granted. Is it fair for me to ask him to end it?

Also, for those of you that are poly, are you able to explain why this is a need for you? I get ambiguous answers and my husband oscillates. When I point out that he oscillates and can not give me a straight answer, he tells me, "Can we just say my relationship with her is complicated?" Is it fair for me to ask him to define it?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you continue to struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

I hope you feel better airing some of that out.

If Kim knows he jumped the gun dating her and/or he's treating you poorly? And she's basically saying she's ok with it? And it was not anyone's fault because “it just happened?” I think that's crap. Adults can feel all kinds of things, but they CHOOSE their behavior. I think it is totally fair not to like either of them right now.

You are supposed to be all considerate of them and their needs, and yours fly out the window? What kind of poly is that?

I think you call it right -- you are done. At least in your head. Now it's the problems of being DONE done... detangling, filing for divorce, etc.

So, here we are a year and many fights later and he still is in a relationship with Kim as well as a marriage with me. I am miserable, he knows it. He has told me that this is who he is and it hurts that I do not accept him for him.*

I dislike how he blames you. Like he treats you poorly, and you are supposed to be all smiles? Jeez.

You wanted to file for divorce. Could get on with it. Because you DO accept who he is, and you also accept that YOU are not up for this.

That's the part HE is not getting. He keeps running roughshod right over you.

When we talk about a divorce, he puts it all on me. At this point, I am completely disengaged in our relationship. We barely have sex. I cuddle when he asks, but I pretty much just lie there. Almost every day he asks me if I am ok. I tell him "no," he asks what is wrong, I say "the same shit that is always wrong."*

If he puts it all on you? Go to the court house to file. Once you start it, it just goes through the process. Be done.

He left to go be with Kim. Emotionally abandoned you.

Now you sound like you just go through the motions of marriage and aren't feeling great about it. You are phoning it in too. You are not in this marriage any more either.

It's dead. Just that nobody wants to be the one to pull the plug and move on.

As far as I am concerned, our marriage is pretty much over, but he tells me how much he loves me, that I am the most important thing in his life, and he wants me to stay.

Stay for what for you? More of same treatment?

Stay for what for him? Because you continue to provide domestic services? You being around let's him keep thinking he's still "a nice guy" rather than a guy who treated his wife poorly and made a mess? Meh.

Could let all that be his problem and just save yourself now. It's been a year. You tried. He didn't.

That's hard to swallow but it is what it is.

I feel if I was the most important thing, he would end it with her (this is probably wrong) and take a more active role in our marriage. I am really close to professional licensure and a big move or life change right now would be difficult to handle on top of everything else. But I should be testing in a few months.*

Whether he is with her or not, he could attend to his marriage! But he isn't. All talk, no show.

You could make a quiet decision inside. Hold out for a few months. Finish getting your license and let that be the big milestone toward a fresh page and a new chapter. Get that done, get a job, open a checking acct for your new job salary to go to. Get a flat.

Then go to the courthouse to file and start the process.

Begin to detangle lives.

If my needs were being met, maybe I could find a way to deal with her. But he has not been meeting my basic needs and I am expected to accommodate the two of their needs. Now that I am at the "her or me" point, he is starting to do things around the house, but I feel it is too late.*

Too little to late then. Sad, but doesn't change it.

I do still love him, but at his point the anger and resentment run deep. When we ignore the fact that our marriage is falling apart and we just go do something fun, sometimes I am ok, but that ok feeling is less and less. I do not talk to Kim and have no idea how much she actually knows besides me not being happy about their relationship.*

Kim is not your job. Ignore her.

He's neglecting the marriage, not meeting your needs, not slowing down, etc. And he's angry at YOU because you aren't all smiles when he behaves this way?

You sound like you have been clear and up front all along about where you stand. HE ran roughshod over you and did stuff anyway.

I think he could be mad at himself for the state of his marriage and his relationship with you. Doesn't sound like he takes personal responsibility for things.

Ultimately, I guess my question is this. If my husband decided somewhere along the line that he is poly, but I did not know that, is it fair for him to expect me to just accept it?

To me? No. It is not fair for him to expect you just to accept changing the relationship model.

Because it's a deal breaker. You married him under the vows of monogamy. And now the vows are over. This is not monogamy he's offering you.

Some people rewrite their vows/agreements and start a NEW marriage (without legally divorcing) and practice Open Marriage or Poly. But they accept the old marriage ended. It might be the same people, but it is NOT the old marriage. Those vows are over.

Others break up legally and part. Because the Old Marriage Deal is over, and they don't want to ride the bus to Open Marriage town or Poly town and make a New Marriage Deal. And they do NOT have to. They are in charge of what they choose to participate in.

I have told him I am not ok with it. I have read books, gone to therapy, and tried to resolve that, but I can not deal with his relationship with his girlfriend. I am honestly not sure if it is the polyamory, or the way this relationship happened and my feelings of being ignored and taken for granted. Is it fair for me to ask him to end it?*

End WHAT?

• End Kim? Don't bother. Even if he ends it with Kim? He's not gonna fix anything in the marriage. He had ample opportunity to address it and he doesn't. He started a side business!

• End the marriage? YOU end it. When you ride a bus you do not ask the other passengers if it is ok for you to get off now. You just get off. So if you are done here? Get off this bus.

Also, for those of you that are poly, are you able to explain why this is a need for you?

My need is to be understood as a poly person. I get that in my marriage. It's "open enough" for me that way. I can talk about my poly thoughts and feelings all I want.

I am not in a marriage like you. My husband knew before we got married I was poly, he knew when we were dating I did not want to be exclusive and for a short time we were in a V that ended. Later we married and later we agreed to Close for active parenting and started TTC. Our current agreement is wait til kids are grown and gone before renegotiating a New Deal. We both think that is fair.

When I first joined here? I was doing kids and eldercare and me and him... already too many people needs. Adding more people in the form of dating partners? For what? To shortchange them? Add to the people load already on my plate? What I needed then was other poly people to talk to. This forum meets that. I cannot get out to IRL events. I am too tired a lot of the time.

Some of the elders have died since I first joined here. So SUPER overloaded to changed to OK overloaded. It's better to look out for 3 than 6! But I'm not going try to poly date right not because it is still overloaded. I do not poly for "variety" or "don't want commitments." Some people might, and I think that's fine. I poly because I enjoy "extra commitments." I also honor commitments in order made. So if all my commitment bandwidth is taken up? I'm saturated. I cannot in good faith make new commitments.

I think your hubby is treating you poorly. To me it's a mess because he's not been very loving toward you or listening or trying to meet your needs. He sucks as a hinge and while maybe there's a learning curve... it's been a year and no progress or improvements. Just more song and dance and "I'll get to it later" stuff. The marriage continues to suffer and when you raise the red flag, he ignores it or blames the messenger.

I get ambiguous answers and my husband oscillates. When I point out that he oscillates and can not give me a straight answer, he tells me, "Can we just say my relationship with her is complicated?" Is it fair for me to ask him to define it?

I suspect somewhere in there he knows he is treating you crap and doesn't want to own that. Because then he has to accept he's not been "a nice guy."

I think it is not fair to YOU for you to keep on asking him for answers or explanations when YOU already seem to know enough to make a choice. You clocked a year trying, you already see he's checked out and he's vaguebooking when you ask him for explanations. AND... It's too little to late for you now anyway.

You sound done. Be done. Get off the bus.

What do YOU need to give YOURSELF permission to be done that you can give yourself?

I think completing your license and getting a new job could be good for that. Then you can just make your own arrangements for the next chapter of your life. You can make peace that you got a raw deal, tried to make good, found this is just not your thing if you are left holding ALL the baggage. Could drop the bags that are not yours. (Kim, husband's behaviors, etc) Drop the ones you don't want to carry any more. (marriage)

You can walk away in with good conscience. You have been MORE than fair here when people were not fair to you.

I'm sorry it had ended up this way though.

Galagirl

 

[Dagferi]

It doesn't matter why others "need" poly in their life. They onnly thing that matters is that YOU do not want it in your life.

Follow through with what you said and end the relationship with your husband. To thine ownself be true. People will treat you the way you allow them treat you.

If your marriage is no longer working for you get out. Life is too short for bad relationships.

 

[breathemusic]

Agree with what others have said here. You've clearly already checked out, so check out.

If now is a bad time for you financially to do that, then maybe now is the time to mentally do that. Spend the next few months until you get your license and a new job or whatever basically living like roommates and mentally accept the change. If you have a guest room, maybe consider taking that as your room or asking him to take that room and start distancing yourself so that when you're more able to, you can make a clean break.

He has every right to set his own personal boundaries that say "I am unwilling to stop this relationship with this person not matter how you feel." But then it's on you to set your own personal boundaries and say "I cannot be in a relationship with you if you are in a relationship with someone else, so I will bow out." You definitely don't have to accept it. But you can't *make* him do something that he doesn't want to do. Certainly not without it causing resentment. And he clearly isn't willing to give her up, so he's made his choice. Time for you to make yours. Sorry that it had to go this way.

 

[Bunny784]

Thank you all for your feedback and support. I think I will move into the guest room while I'm off the next few days.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you all for your feedback and support. I think I will move into the guest room while I'm off the next few days.

That was my first move when I started a path towards getting out of my marriage. It was nice, to just have my own nest to be myself in. It felt self honoring, and gave me space to think and feel and know myself.

 

[vinsanity0]

I'm sitting here thinking on what would my wife have done if I pulled what your husband pulled. I'm pretty sure all my stuff would have been sitting in the driveway when I got back from visiting the girlfriend.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Bunny784,

Your husband has certainly acted unfair towards you, especially when he asks for your consent for something, then does it anyway after you say "No." In the meantime, you seem to have mixed feelings about the idea of getting a divorce. Like part of you wants to do it, and tells him you're going to do it, while another part wants to hang in there and hope that he'll break up with Kim, or at least that you'll work up the nerve to demand that he break up with her. You do not want to just throw away your marriage, I get that. I think you're making the right move to move into the guest room. This will give you room to sort out your thoughts and feelings over the next few months while you wait for your professional licensure to arrive. After that, you will know what to do.

You have suffered through a year of his bad behavior. Now give yourself permission to walk away.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Arius]

I have CFS/ME with super bad brain fog, so I had to skim read a bit. Sorry if my response is uninformed. Here's what I'm seeing:

Your husband is poly (sounds like he's probably a relationship anarchist). You're not.

You can ask him to be monogamous with you. He can say yes, or no.
If he says no, then you have to decide if you want to continue the relationship.

(It sounds to me like, based on the way you've checked out in response to the present situation, ending the relationship is the best course of action in that case.)

A compromise is for you to work towards becoming poly/RA. You may want him to slow things down while you do that.

I caught a question in there which was a bit ambiguously phrased, but which I read as "Why do you need to be polyamorous?" Which to me is sort of like "Why do you need to be gay?"

For me, being polyamorous isn't a choice; I was born that way. I love and want to have sex with multiple people. That's who I am. Monogamy was always built on lies and denial of my desires. I only get to be alive once, and I want to live as fully as I can. That means embracing the truth and pursuing my desires fully, not allowing jealousy to control and limit my life and the lives of my partners.

I'm open to the idea that some people are truly monogamous at heart, but I don't fully believe it. I think monogamy is the default imposed on us by society, and that some people have internalized that more than others. For me, it felt like a cage, and once I realized there were other options, I wanted to get the fuck out of that cage as quickly as I could. I'll never be monogamous again.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm open to the idea that some people are truly monogamous at heart, but I don't fully believe it.

Believe it. Not everyone is monogamous because they have been duped and brainwashed.

 

[Bunny784]

I didn't go into it in this post because it's in the original one. My husband and I have been non monogamous for a long time. Currently, I am monogamous, basically have been for the last year, for a variety of reasons. . It started as swinging, then he wanted to date and play on his own, then he had a friend with benefits that he saw once in a while, then he had a friend with benefits that got more serious, which ended badly because she wanted a full on boyfriend, which was not what he wanted. That girl was around the time we got married almost three years ago and he straight up told me he just wanted a friend with benefits. He went about 18 months between her and Kim. He did tell me he wanted to look for a regular friend with benefits/play partner again before he met Kim, which is what I originally agreed to. Then he met Kim and now he has full on girlfriend. He went from 0 to I love her in about two months. He was upp all night talking to her every night for months which affected several aspects of his lungs few including me.

We had conversations for years where he was very clear that he did not identify as poly and he didn't want anything that serious. That is my limit. If he wants a friend that he talks to once in a while and sees for a play date once a month, I can grin and bare that. What I can not handle is someone he is so committed to he is willing to completely disregard me and to continue disregarding me when I point out he is doing it.

Arius, I understand that some people are born poly. It is possible that it just took 15 years for my husband to figure that out. We got together very young. My issue is that my husband oscillates when talking about this relationship with Kim. Some days he talks about wanting someone to be caring, loving, and supportive when I am unavailable. Sometimes he describes her as "just another friend I play video games with." So, in my quest to try and determine if his relationship is something I can learn to cope with, I can not even get a clear understanding of what that relationship is and at this point I don't think it matters.

At this point, I wonder if he is just being petulant and refusing to break up with her because I told him he needs to. I flat out told him a few months ago it was her or me. He tells me he will always choose me, but alas, he still has a girlfriend that hell or high water he talks to once week and is going out of town to see next week. I lost my sh!t when he went for a whole week last time, so what did he do this time, booked 6 days instead of 7, which "is not a whole week this time ". So it just feels like he is trying to make a point. To me, it feels like we are in a stand off now and our marriage is falling apart. I tell him how I feel and why I feel that way and he just tells me I'm wrong or need to change my thinking.

I am a clinical social worker and he has learned a lot about basic theory related to mental health just because it was what I was studying. So now, he like to repeat that stuff back to me.

I don't know, I just have so much anger. He honestly sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior. And that is ultimately the biggest problem. I keep pointing the same stuff out all the time and he acts surprised each time. This morning, he asked about going to couples therapy. I think he thinks therapy will help me decide to let him keep his relationship with Kim. I told him this morning that he needs to end that relationship and that's when he asked about therapy. We haven't talked about me moving into the guest room. I have talked about it in the past and he told me he would not tolerate that. So now I'm wondering if it's just better to move out while he is gone. My name is not on the house, I don't know if that affects anything.

 

[Bunny784]

My husband has also made statements like, "I'm afraid to end it with Kim because I may not have the opportunity to have a relationship like this again," as well as, "when this fizzels out with Kim I won't pursue a relationship like this again because it is not worth it."

So again, in confused. Is this a need or a want? Are you poly and need to have multiple relationships or you just want a girlfriend when it suits you?

I have listened to books in poly, open relationships, etc and my husband does not sound like someone who is truly poly to me. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I guess this is the part I seek clarification on from those of you that are poly.

 

[GalaGirl]

My husband has also made statements like, "I'm afraid to end it with Kim because I may not have the opportunity to have a relationship like this again," as well as, "when this fizzels out with Kim I won't pursue a relationship like this again because it is not worth it."

Sigh. He seems to assume YOU will still be around, and he doesn't even need to think about his marriage fizzling out.

Totally taking you for granted despite you telling him about how you feel.

Poly hell blindness to the max.

"Unfortunately, it is only at the point that the primary partner decides to end the relationship that the partner usually takes their demands seriously, because they have been oblivious and naively believed that the relationship was secure. And by then it is usually too late to repair the damage, as their partner is already on their way out the door, and feels so mistreated and distrustful they are unlikely to be deterred."

You sound like that.

Like you are tired of it falling on deaf ears and you are just done.

Save your energy. Move into the guest room and just start detangling your life from his.

Galagirl

 

[Dagferi]

You have not followed through with what you said you would do if he broke agreements so why in the hell would he change his behavior.

You have taught him he can continue doing what he wants you may complain and threaten but have no follow through.

 

[dingedheart]

My husband and I have been non monogamous for a long time. Currently, I am monogamous, basically have been for the last year, for a variety of reasons. . It started as swinging, then he wanted to date and play on his own, then he had a friend with benefits that he saw once in a while, then he had a friend with benefits that got more serious, which ended badly because she wanted a full on boyfriend...That girl was around the time we got married almost three years ago and he straight up told me he just wanted a friend with benefits. He went about 18 months between her and Kim. He did tell me he wanted to look for a regular friend with benefits/play partner again before he met Kim, which is what I originally agreed to.

You said you and your husband have been open a long time who’s idea / want / need was that and how many yrs was that. Did you have a super long engagement?


And in the beginning or prior to you being mono how serious was you dating life. How often were you seeing lovers and how many lovers were in the line up ?


The reason I ask is because sometime people treat others how they were treated. I seen many stories on this forum in which the table being somewhat turned has upset their spouse.


We had conversations for years where he was very clear that he did not identify as poly and he didn't want anything that serious. That is my limit. If he wants a friend that he talks to once in a while and sees for a play date once a month, I can grin and bare that. What I can not handle is someone he is so committed to he is willing to completely disregard me and to continue disregarding me when I point out he is doing it.

I am a clinical social worker and he has learned a lot about basic theory related to mental health just because it was what I was studying. So now, he like to repeat that stuff back to me.

Is that frustrating because he’s cherry picking and using things in the wrong context or because he’s basically right ?

 

[Bunny784]

We did have a long engagement. Non monomagamy was his idea and it was about 10 years ago. Our engagement was about two years, we dated for many years before that.

My dating life was never serious. It's not what I am interested in. There are friends that I would play with at play parties when we went, but it has been a while since that worked out.

It's frustrating because he cherry picks things. I am aware that there is some stuff he is right about. And yes, I am aware that I have not followed through on leaving and that leads to him taking me for granted.

I know I am not innocent in this whole thing

 

[kdt26417]

Honestly Bunny, it sounds to me like he is not really poly, especially when he can go around making statements like poly isn't something he *has* to do. Or maybe he's somewhat poly but not 100% poly, like he's partially mono. So, it's not like he *has* to have this relationship with Kim.

 

[dingedheart]

We did have a long engagement. Non monomagamy was his idea and it was about 10 years ago. Our engagement was about two years, we dated for many years before that.

So open 10yrs and 5 yrs in front of engagement and 7yrs in front of your marriage. It’s only been the past yr or so where his behavoir has shifted ?

You can see things more objectively what or why do you think he’s chosen to behave this way. 1) because he thinks he can get away with it 2) he’s caught up in NRE and doesn’t see he’s being a dick ? 3) something not listed.
What about Kim do you think makes her so interesting or great ??

My dating life was never serious. It's not what I am interested in. There are friends that I would play with at play parties when we went, but it has been a while since that worked out.

So you’ve always had or followed the swinger mindset....and that’s what you agreed to or thought you had an agreement on.??? And now it’s a switch-a-roo?

 

[Bunny784]

I agreed to friends with benefits. In the past this has been. A casual relationship with semi regular sex.

It took us a few years to figure out what worked. He insisted that he would never be in a mono relationship again. So at first it was don't ask don't tell, which made me crazy. Then swinging, together, then swinging in separate rooms, then friends with Benefits and now he has decided he is poly.

I think this behavior started with getting caught up in the NRE, then, I'm not sure. I think he likes the idea of a relationship with no real adulting. They talk, play video games, and have trips to see each other. There are no discussions about house repairs, taxes, etc. He did say the other night that he realizes he is messing up, but he cares a lot about Kim and it hurts to leave her. So, I offered to move out, he said I'm the most important thing in his life. I was very honest and told him I'm checked out. He told me he would think about breaking up with Kim, but he is still getting on a plane to go see her tomorrow. I keep asking what is so amazing about this girl that he is willing to throw our marriage away, he doesn't see it that way.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

People can't predict what they're going to want. The reality is that if you spend significant time with someone and bond with them intimately, you're likely to develop feelings that exceed friendship.

To me, part of the reason you're husband might be unwilling to compromise is because you won't be okay unless he breaks up with her.

There's a bit in your first post where you say he said he's going and you refused and said you're not okay with that (as he stated he wanted you to be) and he still went. It was if the problem with his actions should be clear to everyone. If someone said that about their dependent child, I would automatically see the issue: the child does need permission. But this is an adult who happens to be your husband. I don't think marriage vows work quite in the same way, legally or socially. It sounds like he doesn't feel he explicity need your permission but might feel like he needs your knowledge. That's definitely a grey area in terms of what constitutes poly/ethical non monogamy. I do think there is a point where knowledge = consent. And it's usually when someone makes empty ultimatums. I'll come back to that later.

When your husband said "I want you to be okay with this", it sounds more like he was saying "I want you to be okay with this", not "I won't go unless you're okay with this". It generally feels to me like you think because he is your husband, he has to commit to marriage with you under your terms and if he's unwilling, that makes him a bad and unreliable person. On one hand (this is what I said I'd come back to), I do think he should make the decision to end the marriage as you're incompatible, but my experience tells me that people in your position often don't want that and resent people advising their spouse to leave them. They want people to convince their spouse that they're duty bound to stay in the marriage under the terms their spouse can accept.

Now I think your choice is to either accept that your husband is going to be in love with this woman because that's always a chance once you mix sex and friendship or admit the marriage is no longer viable. If you do the former, you can start thinking about things like kids and living together. You can make agreements not to do those things with others. Actions are easy to control. It's easy for me not to sign a lease with someone. It's harder for me to not want to do that.