The Struggle is Real

B

BarelyTherr

New member
Hey all,

I’m 42M, in a polyamorous relationship with my partner, 38F. We’ve been together for 4 years and have been polyam in theory for the whole time. Almost every time I go on a date, or even ask to go for coffee with someone, she has an emotional crisis. I will add that she is working on some significant issues in therapy, and I am trying to be an understanding and compassionate partner. I have expressed how proud I am of her for the progress that she is making.

However, her jealousy and need to control me are very serious issues for me and have been an ongoing problem in our relationship. I feel like at some point this has to get better, and it just feels like it isn’t getting better.

It feels like our life goals aren’t aligned and we both want very different things. I have expressed my needs. I need another perspective. Thank you for your time.

How long should I be patient with this? How have others managed this? Am I being unreasonable?
 
To my mind, you've been patient long enough. You can stop operating on a sunk cost fallacy. It's okay for you to move on and build a working polycule. If you are looking for a permission slip to leave a relationship that isn't working for you, consider this it.
 
If your life goals are not aligned and you both want very different things, then you aren't suited for a long-term relationship. That is why I divorced my husband (and we'd been together over 30 years).
 
Also, if she has issues and is making progress, that's great. Being more comfortable and happy with polyamory isn't a marker of emotional growth in the majority of cases. She might actually be dissuaded by thinking that she's doing well in every area but this poly one because she's mistaken in thinking that when she's "okay", she will be able to thrive in a polyamorous relationship. You can be monogamous and perfectly emotionally stable.
 
Hello BarelyTherr,

It sounds like your partner does not want poly. Whereas you do want poly. That is a pretty spacious disconnect between the two of you. So spacious that I question whether the two of you belong together going forward.

If you do stay with her, you should probably stop seeing other people. Even meeting someone for coffee should not happen given your partner's reactions. If you want to be a practicing polyamorist, you should first break up with your partner.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

However, her jealousy and need to control me are very serious issues for me and have been an ongoing problem in our relationship. I feel like at some point this has to get better, and it just feels like it isn’t getting better.
Click to expand...

Then YOU make it better by ending this relationship.

It feels like our life goals aren’t aligned and we both want very different things. I have expressed my needs. I need another perspective. Thank you for your time.
Click to expand...

You two don't sound compatible. Adding up the jealous/controlling stuff, even if she's trying to work on it in therapy, you still might be done here. Are you?


How long should I be patient with this? How have others managed this? Am I being unreasonable?
Click to expand...

To me you sound done. You are not being unreasonable.

Almost every time I go on a date, or even ask to go for coffee with someone, she has an emotional crisis.
Click to expand...

It's been four years. If she's still in crisis, even over a simple coffee, do the kindest thing and end it with her. Yes, there will be sadness and some upset. It is NORMAL to feel that in a break up. But then she won't have to keep having a crisis every time you have a date, and you won't have to be dealing with her crises every time you come home from a date. You will be exes to each other, and it will no longer apply/matter what the other one is doing or how the other one is dating. Because EXES.

See if this helps you to assess:

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com


Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you struggle.


Then YOU make it better by ending this relationship.

You two don't sound compatible. Adding in the jealousy/controlling stuff, even if she's trying to work on it in therapy, you might be done here. Are you?


To me you sound done. You are not being unreasonable.

It's been four years. If she's still in crisis, even over a simple coffee, do the kindest thing and end it with her. Yes, there will be sadness and some upset. That is NORMAL in a break up. But then she won't have to keep on having crisis every time you have a date. And you won't have to be dealing with crisis every time you come home from a date. You will be exes. And it will no longer matter what the other one is doing or how the other one is dating. Because EXES.

If it helps you assess:

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com
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Thanks for your very thoughtful response. I really appreciated the article, as well!

I think both of us have learned to live in crisis-management mode together. I can only imagine what being free from that state of more-or-less constant stress and crisis would look like.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello BarelyTherr,

It sounds like your partner does not want poly. Whereas you do want poly. That is a pretty spacious disconnect between the two of you. So spacious that I question whether the two of you belong together going forward.

If you do stay with her, you should probably stop seeing other people. Even meeting someone for coffee should not happen given your partner's reactions. If you want to be a practicing polyamorist, you should first break up with your partner.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thank you, Kevin. I’ve basically said this to her previously and she assures me that it isn’t true, but her actions are far louder than her reassurance that she wants to be poly.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Also, if she has issues and is making progress, that's great. Being more comfortable and happy with polyamory isn't a marker of emotional growth in the majority of cases. She might actually be dissuaded by thinking that she's doing well in every area but this poly one because she's mistaken in thinking that when she's "okay", she will be able to thrive in a polyamorous relationship. You can be monogamous and perfectly emotionally stable.
Click to expand...
I agree. I think she’s actually monogamous. And even though I have said this to her previously she reassured me that she wants to be poly. She just can’t really cut it at poly, and it is starting to crush my spirit.
 
Magdlyn said:
If your life goals are not aligned and you both want very different things, then you aren't suited for a long-term relationship. That is why I divorced my husband (and we'd been together over 30 years).
Click to expand...
Thank you for responding. That’s what I thought as well.

I also love your quote “Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley”
 
Hi BarelyTherr,

I suppose somewhere deep in her mind, it is uncool to be unpoly. She wants to be cool, so she concludes that she must be poly. She might not be lying to you about that, it's more that she's misleading herself.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Is she really monogamous, and just telling you whatever to avoid a break up, like she WANTED to be poly, was willing to go there, but not actually able to practice it? It turned out it not to be her thing? Either way, it seems cruel to keep going. Unless you are willing to give up poly and would TRULY be happy doing monogamy, I think you two could face facts and part ways peacefully.

Now you are taking turns being miserable, like:
  • she's miserable doing poly she doesn't really want, trying to please you
  • you're miserable doing monogamy you don't really want, trying to please her
  • then her turn again, then yours.
Taking turns might be a weird kind of "fair," but it sounds miserable! Who'd be eager to sign up for that?

I think both of us have learned to live in crisis management mode together.
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Was this your big hope for this relationship, to live in chronic crisis?

If you end it decently, then both of you get to STOP living in crisis mode all the time, just because you went on a coffee date and she wigged out. The cycle can STOP. You only get the one life. Do you want to be living it in chronic crisis, barely surviving in your life? Or do you want to give yourself a chance to thrive while living your life?

And I can only imagine what being free from that state of more-or-less constant stress and crisis will look like.
Click to expand...

Start imagining it, then consider making it so.

GG
 
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