The Struggling Mono Thread

Morningglory629

New member
Lately, I have been steping out of my comfort zone a bit and it feels great, it also scares the shit out of me. Everyone, needs some of their own friends and activites that have nothing to do with their spouse or SO. This is not to say our friends can't meet or even hang out with our spouse, but your best friends should not be your spouse's friends first.

Great post! Happy to hear you're getting out on your own a bit. It is REALLY important (especially for women- not trying to sound sexist here but I definitely think we are the more social sex of the species) to have your own network of friends. YOU (and when I say you I mean WE) need outlets other than our spouse and children. I remember when my kids were young and I had gone to working parttime so that I could be home with them, I definitely relied on my single and "connected" friends to keep me interesting. I lived vicariously. I swear I felt for about 5 years that my mind was turning to mush- I knew every Barney song and couldn't tell you any current news issue. Anyway I actually started feeling inadequate, uninteresting, so I reconnected. I needed to feel part of life outside of my house, my own mind. My volunteerism went from school only activities to causes or campaigns that I felt were important- OUTSIDE of my kids. I honestly think it makes me a more engaging and interesting person to anyone not just my husband and bf. I love music and art and theater and I just started attending these things on my own or with people who enjoyed the same activity. My husband not always shared that interest. I love being creative and active and expressive- so why stifle that part of me so that I could attend endless pizza parties or organized school activities. They weren't my friends or people I would normally associate with- they were the parents of my children's friends. There is something seriously destructive to your individuality when you feel compelled to mold or only socialize with your spouse's friends or children's friends' parents. Not that you should avoid these situations or knowing these people- just don't make them the only social contacts in your life. Independence doesn't mean disconnect, it means freedom to choose who, when and how you spend your very precious time and energy.
Just a thought.;)
 
Just wanted to pop in and say I totally relate to this thread.

My wife, Michelle, is poly. I'm... I'm not. I tried to have a thing with a girl (I've referred to as Bree previously), but she couldn't deal with the married man thing, freaked out, and quit talking to me.

Bree's talking to me again (text and email, anyway). It's funny, there's still this obvious attraction, and the conversation has gotten sexy and affectionate more than once, but last night when I tried to push to actually discuss my relationship with Michelle and how Michelle and I could amicably separate to accommodate a relationship with Bree, the conversation got tense and cold, and she said "we aren't what we were and we will not be." She didn't even let me explain how Michelle and I feel. It feels disrespectful for her to be like that.

I'm so frustrated and lonely. I love Michelle, but I want so very badly some of the NRE she's had. Michelle's moved on from her long-distance boyfriend (I referred to him as Ralph) because he's a bit self-centered and immature. She now has a local boyfriend I'll call Chris, who, from the sound of him, is awesome. I really am happy for Michelle... but that doesn't assuage my own loneliness.

I don't particularly "feel" poly, and I would prefer to be dating a single girl, but I don't know how to even go about meeting one who would be okay with the fact that I'm currently married. I know exactly one girl who I know views me as sexy and attractive in multiple dimensions, but, contrary to the signals she's sending, she apparently doesn't want to pursue anything.

It's such a catch-22. I love my wife and kids, but I want more. I can't have what I want unless my wife and I transition away from our marriage. I don't want to transition away from our marriage unless I have something (other than being alone) to transition to. Which brings me back to loving the wife and kids but wanting more.

I guess I'll just get used to loneliness. Sigh.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
TRG. I think most mono's here may agree, or may not. But not being able to find someone to date is different than being completely incapable of being with multiple loves.

My wife, Michelle, is poly. I'm... I'm not. I tried to have a thing with a girl (I've referred to as Bree previously), but she couldn't deal with the married man thing, freaked out, and quit talking to me

It's such a catch-22. I love my wife and kids, but I want more. I can't have what I want unless my wife and I transition away from our marriage.

:)...If you go back and read some of the things Mono has said about his feelings on being very monogamous, its the polar opposite of ever wanting anyone else. :) It reads like you could be poly but haven't found your "other(s)" yet :)

I know exactly one girl who I know views me as sexy and attractive in multiple dimensions, but, contrary to the signals she's sending, she apparently doesn't want to pursue anything.

Shes a flirt. Lots of girls flirt, and love to flirt but really don't want anything. Lots of girls also love to flirt with married men, we are safe and disarming. Just a fact of life. Doesn't mean all girls who flirt actually want anything to happen. :)

I might be wrong, I am just going by what I read there.

Ari
 

SNeacail

New member
I'm so frustrated and lonely. I love Michelle, but I want so very badly some of the NRE she's had.

It's such a catch-22. I love my wife and kids, but I want more. I can't have what I want unless my wife and I transition away from our marriage. I don't want to transition away from our marriage unless I have something (other than being alone) to transition to. Which brings me back to loving the wife and kids but wanting more.

You would give up your wife for some NRE? What happens when the NRE goes away, and it always does eventually?

If you can love your wife and another, that is poly. That you prefer mono women, there is nothing wrong with that. However, what it sounds like is that you are still stuck on ONE mono woman and translating that to everyother woman you may meet. Do you really think Bree would happily just accept you back if you divorced your wife?
 

redpepper

New member
I'm confused. You are identifying as mono because you haven't found a lover who is mono? I have a boyfriend that is mono, that doesn't make me mono. Not that you can't identify as you are fit, but isn't it a mixed message to say you are mono to a potential date when you have a wife?
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Okay, I deserve that. :)

But the thing is, I don't really dig on poly girls. That's why I claim to be mono, because that's what I want. So I really do feel like I'm trapped.

Whats your take on poly girls? They are as diverse as any group I have been in. My wife is a hippy and my gf is a cowgirl. I know of right wing to left wing, to comicon to communal types. Its a huge range of people, its just unfortunately that poly is very hidden sometimes :)

Is the problem you want to find a woman to commit to you? Where poly girls won't offer that monogamous mindset?

In either case, not being able to find someone to fill that need does not make you "not" poly. It just means you haven't found someone to be poly with.
 
You would give up your wife for some NRE? What happens when the NRE goes away, and it always does eventually?

Why should Michelle get NRE and I don't? Compersion is fine, but it's not selfish of me to want something more for myself.

If you can love your wife and another, that is poly. That you prefer mono women, there is nothing wrong with that. However, what it sounds like is that you are still stuck on ONE mono woman and translating that to everyother woman you may meet. Do you really think Bree would happily just accept you back if you divorced your wife?

Yes, I am still stuck on one mono woman because she's the only mono woman I've found that will even talk to me once they find out I'm married. Happily accept me after a rash divorce? No, that's not even what I want. But date me under the presumption that if we turn serious, it can be the long term thing she wants? Yes, that's what I want from her.

I'm confused. You are identifying as mono because you haven't found a lover who is mono? I have a boyfriend that is mono, that doesn't make me mono. Not that you can't identify as you are fit, but isn't it a mixed message to say you are mono to a potential date when you have a wife?

I'm identifying as mono because I have no interest in being poly. Michelle may be out of the closet as a poly, and I deal with it because I love her and I love our kids. I wouldn't ask her to change, and I wouldn't tolerate it if she did. I've spent our entire relationship trying to get her to quit being what other people want her to be and just be herself. But I don't want polyamory. Not for me, not for a partner.

Is that a good enough reason for me to just up and leave? Fuck no. I don't want to be alone, and I don't think this misalignment between me and Michelle is enough of a reason to rearrange our lives in and of itself. Other than me feeling lonely, everybody's happy.

Is the problem you want to find a woman to commit to you? Where poly girls won't offer that monogamous mindset?

Yep.
 

marta

New member
Hi all,

I'm new here, but have been reading for a few hours and know at least one of you from the mono/poly yahoo group. :) i'm really enjoying this thread and so relate to much of it.

jane - "If my fiances girls are poly and love him and others, don't they understand him better then I do then? Why would he not be happier in a relationship where who he is doesn't make his fiance cry?"

i SO relate to this fear, and have cried a bunch about it earlier this year. One thing that helps me is asking R, my beloved partner, if that sounds true to him. The other thing, like Sage said (hi sage! :) ) is about the self-esteem/letting the love in : i think, if he's choosing you it's because of who you are and i also like to think 1) we're worth the extra 'work' to be with, so that's something! and 2) if we're the only ones being sexually exclusive, among other poly girlfriends, we're giving him something no one else is. And in my case, I know that is valued by him.

I echo lots of the other things that have been shared.

the other piece i want to comment on here is about struggling with the poly - the voice in me that feels terrible or bad about not having an easy peasy time with sharing him. such a harsh voice in me! currently i'm working on this, and i appreciate what others have written about how important it is to accept and love and see as valid all those "struggling emotions".

today i had a little breakthrough with our conselor that sounds a lot like another post (sorry not remembering whose) : this weekend i felt triggered because R stayed up way late reading/talking with K, and i was so angry because i haven't gotten the reading/ face-to-face focus time i want. and then i feel BAD for wanting that or asking him for it, because i'm afraid he'll think i'm just whining and not appreciating all the attention i DO get from him, so then i'm stuck.

today i learned that i can tell him "hey i'm afraid of telling you that i want more of this/that because ___________" and then move onto saying the scary and vulnerable want piece.

i'll have more to say about that soon, but this is getting long!

I have other replies to other pieces and think this is such a juicy topic.

- marta :)
 

sage

New member
Hi Marta

Great to see you made a visit here. I'm often suggesting monos from here check out the yahoo site, it's nice to see it works both ways.

@TRG (hope I have right letters..Romantic Geek Guy :)) One of the reasons I started this thread is so that mono issues can be discussed away from the blogs where we have to tread softly, softly. So I'm going to be honest and I apologize in advance if it hurts. I may also be way off base but your situation does resonate as being similar to my marriage (divorce papers have just come through).

Firstly sorry you're still having such a hard time. This has been going on for some time for your now. I felt like you for many years in my marriage, in that I didn't feel that things were bad enough to leave. I know, I know, you love your wife and your kids and it's a "good marriage". I thought that too, we were really compatible and we had the big family life. My friends envied me; some of them, even my sister thought I was spoilt and had too much time on my hands. But I was so fucking lonely I ended up having a stupid affair with the first man who dared to show me any affection.

I get your desperate need for NRE. It comes from years of being married to someone where the love is not the love that you need. And OK so it goes away; so do holidays in the sun, but if you haven't had one in years and years you still need one.

It sounds to me as if you want the magic safe route were someone perfect comes into your life, is happy to be mono and for you to stay married. It kinda doesn't work like that. It isn't that different to a married person waiting to find someone to love before leaving their marriage.

I think to leave the space for what we want to come into our life we have to let go of something before taking hold of something else. You don't sound as if you're ready to do that quite yet. When you are, probably when you least expect it, something will come out of left field that will set you in motion.

Until then can you not explore your relationship with the wife you love to deepen your connection? It won't be NRE but it might help the loneliness. There is a very good marriage blog called "Project Happily Ever After" about a woman who gets the passionate love back into her marriage. Just because your wife has a boyfriend doesn't mean she can't be passionate with you as well. I have a very romantic Geek, can you not show some of that romance to your wife.
 

Morningglory629

New member
Until then can you not explore your relationship with the wife you love to deepen your connection? It won't be NRE but it might help the loneliness. There is a very good marriage blog called "Project Happily Ever After" about a woman who gets the passionate love back into her marriage. Just because your wife has a boyfriend doesn't mean she can't be passionate with you as well. I have a very romantic Geek, can you not show some of that romance to your wife.

Great point Sage! Only takes a wee stoke to get those embers roaring again.;) Must remember that when I am feeling disconnected from my mono. I am going to read that thread. Missed it. Thanks.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
I'm identifying as mono because I have no interest in being poly. Michelle may be out of the closet as a poly, and I deal with it because I love her and I love our kids. I wouldn't ask her to change, and I wouldn't tolerate it if she did. I've spent our entire relationship trying to get her to quit being what other people want her to be and just be herself. But I don't want polyamory. Not for me, not for a partner.

Is that a good enough reason for me to just up and leave? Fuck no. I don't want to be alone, and I don't think this misalignment between me and Michelle is enough of a reason to rearrange our lives in and of itself. Other than me feeling lonely, everybody's happy.

I can read the sadness in your post. I wish you the best of luck. You do have a tough road ahead. I wish another mono would put their two cents in. But my understanding is. if you are truely mono, looking for another lover to fill that need your wife doesn't give you. If you do fall in love, you likely won't be able to maintain the relationship with your wife. Thats my understanding of mono from monos. (and why do I always feel like I am talking about a disease)

Holding on because everything around you is fine, but you aren't. Thats a big sign of dependency. Have you sought counselling to reconcile these feelings with your situation? It might help you be able to talk.


Honestly, good luck. They are out there, but rare. I hope you find what you need and can figure out how to get it. Its a tough spot to be in.
 

sage

New member
@TRG There is that mono scale someone put up somewhere. How mono do you think you actually are on a scale of 1-5)?

I identify as mono but I would place myself somewhere in the middle because for me it is situational I think and depends on the relationship I'm in. I believe I could have continued loving my husband in a certain way and also had a more passionate bf. I see that happening on here but my husband didn't want that so we split and with Z I am happily mono even though he is poly.

Do you think that because your wife is poly you could be pulling away from her in a kind of emotional self preservation? If she is poly she would want to retain a successful relationship with you I would have thought?
 

sage

New member
What is a healthy amount of SO?

OK so now I am struggling a bit.

I've always tried to be OK and natural with Z talking about his SO. I know he appreciates it because he feels he can be himself. Also if he's thinking about her (or other women he's attracted to) I'd rather know about it. But just lately it seems to be getting a bit much. Maybe it's got something to do with other stress and I'm just feeling more vulnerable than usual. Maybe it's because he hasn't seen her in ages (she's coming down soon).

I will probably say something, although I wouldn't want him to get all self-conscious (he's a bit of a delicate wee soul). But I was wondering how everyone else deals with this? I know for instance that when he's with her he talks about me but I know of poly's who keep discussion of SOs to a minimum. I wouldn't what that either. I'm not talking issues here it's just talk of what she's doing and voicing how he's missing her, and some sexual longing. I want to strike a happy medium but it seems the bar moves around a bit.
 

Morningglory629

New member
Ah poor Sage. Hope all the knots are working themselves out today. Sage, I have to say this is a very common thing and not just mono. I feel the same twinges and insecurities when I have to hear about SOME of the intimacies between bf and his SO...well not so much the intimacies because I don't want to really know those and thankfully he has realized as such and I never like when he shares our intimacies- but... somedays I am fine hearing about the everyday exchanges and endearments between bf and SO but other days not so much. And that really has to do with my own insecurities felt that day...if I haven't spent quality/quantity amts of time with him, if I am feeling unattractive or if I am particularly stressed about some other outside influence. It really is very normal sweetie. I think maybe the best way is to talk to Z and just let him know that for whatever reason you are feeling anxious and just need some attention and reassurance to feel better. I honestly don't think it is even about J but rather something internal. You just want a little extra attention. I like when I am feeling that way for the simplest of communications to happen...a text or an email or FB message just saying " I am thinking about you." Honestly that or hearing his voice for a few seconds on those blah days makes all the difference for me. I think that is why my Love Language test shows Words of Affirmation and Quality Time as equal. If I can't have one, the other will get me by.;)
 

sage

New member
Thanks MG. You're right with just about everything you say, except that in our case I think I suffer more from "over-exposure". We've never played games and I don't want to start now but I am wondering if I need to make myself less available?
 

vodkafan

New member
Wadya know suddenly struggling

Just when I thought things were going OK suddenly from out of left field some negative feelings started creeping up on me from about 2 weeks ago. This week we swopped OHbs days with my wife around because she wanted to be home for our kids on what are his normal days (special occasion: birthday). So just for once I got a friday and saturday. I took the days off work too. But we could not make the most of it because we have no spare money this side of Christmas. I would have liked to go out, get dressed up and party a little. So I was frustrated about that.
But that was nobody's fault.
The other thing (the negative feelings) is that I am not getting any feedback from my wife lately. I know she got tired of discussing stuff. She feels we are OK now all 3 of us and doesn't want to talk. We have sex like every day. I dunno. That's not working for me not talking. :confused:
 

sage

New member
Hi Vodkafan where on earth did you get that signature line: Poly means never saying sorry to a mono?I think that's awful.

I must go back and read MG's post on love languages because this has been an issue for us recently and contributed to me going through a sad phase. Not having read the post I'm just guessing but one of my most important love languages is verbal and that's not one of Z's strengths. Maybe it's the same for your wife? Anyway we've reached a compromise where he's going to try to remember to verbalize his feelings more and because I'm the over-achiever in the relationship I've got a whole heap of things I'm going to do to make things stronger between us. We actually had to put the sex on hold (just for a few hours)to give ourselves the time to cuddle up and resolve all this stuff. Try it, no sex until the talking's done.
 

Seekinganswer

New member
What bothers me...

My husband S and I are exploring a poly relationship with D. See background on http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3997 We are a couple of weeks into it and because we promised to be open about everything, S is finally comfortable expressing his love for D also in my presence. Of course he does this because I have assured them that I am okay with it. I prefer it this way to the secrecy before.
I have since realised however that I am finding it hard coming to terms with the fact that there are two of us now whom S loves and wants us both to share his life. Its hard for me to move from that mindset before the affair that for 12 years I was THE woman in his life, whom he admires and enjoys being with. I told S that it is much like how he realised that he loved two women. I suppose in my case, I need to accept that the duo we once were must now become a trio... which is probably going to take a while. I also need to accept that S admires and finds someone else sexy. I feel very close to S when he shares his feelings about D but something inside me feels cut up when he openly admires her in my presence. How do you deal with this? I want us to continue being open about it but it hurts ALOT most of the time. Does this hurt go away?
 
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