The Struggling Mono Thread

Dearest Monomom

It sounds like you may be the one who has been the primary carer of your two
additional needs children. That kind of commitment can make anyone feel a bit worn around the edges. I know the insecurity that this kind of admission from a partner can bring up and while it is totally understandable I think you should try and keep it in perspective. He hasn't done anything yet, and he has only been honest about his feelings. It is very normal for men to want to have sex with women other than their partners. It's what they do about it that counts.

Maybe you could open up a discussion with him about both of your needs and you can both help each other to meet them. He wants to open up your marriage, you don't and it feels very painful for you because it goes against your core principles and the vision you have for your life together. I've bolded the words want and need because there is a very important differentiation between the two. Perhaps before he embarks on pursuing what he wants you could ask him if both of you could explore whether his needs are not being met and see if together you could find some other way to meet them. Maybe because of your children's needs you have lost the romance and spontaneity of your relationship? I think it would be a fair thing to ask him to look deeper at the relationship he has with you first, before embarking on a course of action which could very well end the family unit as it now is.

Remember this forum is mainly used by polyamorous people so if you find it is getting too hard on the thread feel free to private message me.

Hugs

Sage
 
The new woman is about 10 years younger, very polished and successful in her own right. Next to her, I look like a tattered old slipper. I understand why he's interested. I'm really thinking cutting my losses before he asks me to leave is the best move.


I'm about to turn 54 and am in the best shape of my life. Men 20+ years younger than I consistently show interest in me (and many more in between!) and no, it was not always this way - not by a long shot. I have two middle school aged boys, one of whom has autism, so I completely understand how the years, family life and motherhood can take their toll. All the same, I made the decision after turning 50 to go UP instead of downhill and life is more amazing than ever. In my late 40s I realized that my social life had taken a huge dip since having (especially a special needs) children and now my circle of female friends, social engagements and community involvement have all increased exponentially. Feeling alive and attractive isn't just about being sexually alluring but about being open to life - all of creation and possibility and ongoing experience. For me the entry point to change was/is yoga, but for you it will be whatever lights your path.

Feeling attractive, beautiful, sparkling and vibrant is an inside job, nothing that anyone can bestow upon you or take away and nothing you need to ask for or wait for. If you are focused on living a thoroughly vibrant, sparkling life, your outer circumstances will reflect the beauty you feel from the inside. If you feel like a tattered old slipper, the world will show you that this is what you are. If you decide to sparkle like the gorgeous woman you truly are inside, the entire world will rise up and mirror this reality back to you. It's your choice to make from the inside, not dependent on what anyone else may or may not be doing. This can be the most exciting turning point of your life.
 
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I know a lot of women flirt with him, and a couple of friendships ended because they tried to seduce him. 20+ years, I've never been jealous or insecure because I ALWAYS KNEW he loved me and wouldn't betray me. And in one second, it all blew up. Knowing now he wanted to have sex with them, I feel like an idiot.

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrid period of emotional turmoil. I just wanted to highlight this section from your post and say that I think you are seeing things through clouded eyes a bit here. Women have expressed an attraction to him in the past. He has stayed faithful to you, because he loves you. The fact that he may have also desired these women too only makes that all the more poignant in my book. It's not hard to resist temptation if you are not tempted. It's no real test of faith and trust if he was not presented with a choice in some sense. He has been tested in the past - you know this now - and your faith in him and his love for you, and the promises he made to you when you married all those years ago, they have been kept.

I know that that might not feel like much of a thing to you now that he is asking that the pair of you renegotiate those vows in some sense. But I think you are wrong to doubt your importance in his heart, and how much he loves you. Try not to take him opening up to you about his feelings for others as a rejection of you, and try not to rewrite the past with this new information in mind. You are certainly not an idiot, and from this outsiders perspective, there is nothing in your post which makes me doubt that he is still very much in love with you. Coming to you, explaining his feelings…he is placing his trust in you and that took bravery on his part. Now those feelings are in the open, it's up to you as a couple to decide how to proceed. You are not powerless, and the decision to open up your marriage cannot be made unilaterally by him. I know it's hard, but it is so much harder if you feel like you have already lost his love and affection. I don't think you have.
 
Thanks to all of you ladies for your responses. Going backwards:

HFA, I have 2 autistic teens. I left a job I loved for a job I adore, but it really narrowed my world. Because of their sleep patterns (or lack thereof), I average about 4 hours a night; when they're at school, I do housework and what office work needs to be done for my husband and a nap if I can manage it. I can't seem to find the energy, time or motivation for anything else. I've talked to my husband about hiring an executive assistant. In the beginning, it was about money, now it seems like it's more about liking things the way they are. I can easily train someone to do what I do the way he likes things done, but it's easier for me to just keep doing it. Plus, I "don't work outside the home", he doesn't understand why I can't keep doing the work. I'm going to ask again for him to hire someone. I need a break. I don't know what I'll do with it, but it would be nice.

Sage, bringing up needs is hard for me. I don't really know what I need. Up until this, I didn't feel like I needed anything. I was happy and we were doing good. We're to the point financially where we can slow down a bit, we're talking about taking some time off and traveling. I've got access to a wonderful new facility for respite care for our kids. I was looking forward to some time alone with him this summer. And now he's talking about spending time dating and building relationships with someone else, so it seems like he wasn't as excited about spending time with me as I was with him. It's not like I'm his only social outlet. He has friends and colleagues and golfing buddies, so it's not like I expect a monopoly on his time and attention.

GalaGirl, I think he's looking for answers to both questions. The first is obvious. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care what he did or with whom. I wouldn't be in agony right now. The second question is harder, do I love him enough to endure the pain? You misunderstood my desire for a cheating situation over a poly situation. It's not about preferring dishonesty over honesty. It's about preferring an end over continual pain. With cheating, it was a failure, a mistake, but one and done. If he was sorry, he doesn't do it again and we work on rebuilding trust and the relationship. Poly is an intentional infliction of pain repeated over and over and over. Cheating is accidentally hitting your love on the head, apologizing and being careful not to do it again. Poly is smacking your love in the head every time you pass because it's "who you are and what you need" and it's your love's responsibility to deal with it.
We have been talking, mostly he's been talking and I've been listening. He knows I'm not happy and I'm in pain. How could he not? We're still looking for a couples therapist to help sort this out. It's like he opened this door and just let this flood of poly stuff out, he's riding the wave and I'm getting pulled under by the riptide.
Yes, he hasn't cheated, but it sounds to me like it was more about a sense of obligation than love. He's asking to be relieved of that obligation. And yes, I could use some reassurance, but I'm not going to beg him for it. If he was sincere about it, he'd give it without having to be asked. Asking is just heaping more obligation on him.

tenK,
I don't know if he resisted because he loved me or because he felt he had to because he said he would. He is nothing if not a man of his word. If he says he will or won't do something, you can bank on it. Without those vows, with nothing standing in his way, I honestly don't think he'll stay with me.
 
Thank you for clarifying. I now see that you meant more like you want things "done and settled" rather than "up in the air." So him confessing to a past cheating affair is "done" to you, not "up in the air." Him asking you to consider poly is "up in the air" and not done.

My first question was...
Is he asking if you could be wiling to open to him and know the authentic him, listen to his poly feelings? And not just love and know parts of him?

Your reply is...

If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care what he did or with whom. I wouldn't be in agony right now.

I think that answers "Do I love him?" It does not answer "I am willing/not willing to know the authentic him and listen to his poly feelings."

I could be wrong, but I get the vibe that you wish this was not happening and that he never brought it up because you are NOT willing to know his authentic feelings. If you don't want to listen, you can say "No. I am not willing to consider this."

My second question is

Is he asking if you could be willing to consider opening the marriage?

Your reply is

The second question is harder, do I love him enough to endure the pain?

I was expecting a simple yes/no. Like...

  • Yes, I am willing to consider opening the marriage.
  • No, I am not willing to consider it.

Thinking it over is not just saying automatic "YES!" It means "I agree to think about it and give you a reply" to me. You are jumping ahead there a bit to me.

If he wants an answer right this minute, given your pain I think the answer could be a flat "NO!" Are you able to say no?

It bothers me that you think along the lines of "Do I love him enough to endure pain" because it makes me wonder if you love yourself. Why would you subject yourself to horrible pain if you love you? :confused:

Poly is an intentional infliction of pain repeated over and over and over.

Do you mean you choosing to participate in a polyship you do not want is you putting you in pain? Then yes. It is. I do not see why you would agree to sign up for that.

Do you mean his identifying as polyamorous causes you pain? Because it changes your picture of him?

It is not possible for him to be poly and share his thoughts and feelings some with you and do NOTHING about dating? He could stay Closed, but feel better knowing he's being more honest with you about who he is as a person?

Are you able to get that clarification from him? Are these his bullet points?

  • I want you to be Open in Mind to hearing my poly thoughts and feelingsm so I can be more authentic with you in our relationship.
  • I want you to agree to Open the Marriage so I can polydate and still be married to you.

To me it still sounds like you are connecting them together as a unit rather than taking one sentence at a time. Are you?

If he wants to poly-date and you find participating in a polyship dreadful... then best to split now. He can poly-date, but not married to you. It is painful, but it is cleaner.

If you are monoamorous but poly friendly, that is one thing... and participating in a polyship could be fine. If you are monoamorous and monogamous, it is not for you. There is no way that would be fine for you.

We're still looking for a couples therapist to help sort this out. It's like he opened this door and just let this flood of poly stuff out, he's riding the wave and I'm getting pulled under by the riptide.

I can see that. I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed right now. :(

Yes, he hasn't cheated, but it sounds to me like it was more about a sense of obligation than love. He's asking to be relieved of that obligation.

You view loving you as a burden to him? :confused:

And yes, I could use some reassurance, but I'm not going to beg him for it.

You do not have to BEG. You could ask if he's willing to reassure you that.... and ask for what you want reassurance on.

  • Is he willing to reassure you that he's not going to jump into dating right now ?
  • Is he willing to reassure you he will stop talking to you about this stuff at random, and only talk to you about it once a week on Fri at 8 PM so you are not emotionally flooded all the time?
  • Is he willing to reassure you that he's going to attend counseling when you get an appointment?

Something else?

If he was sincere about it, he'd give it without having to be asked.

You expect him to be a mind reader?

Asking is just heaping more obligation on him.

Asking is just asking. He is free to say "yes, willing" or free to say "no, not willing."

I am glad to hear you guys are seeking a counselor.

I hope you do hire help with the kids so you can get a break, and I hope you train someone to do some of the house stuff. I know it's a drag now to train them because it means more work for you in the short term, but do it so you can have more rest/time for you in the long term.

You have a lot on your plate right now, and someone else taking some of the load with the house and kid responsibilities is a help.

Do the soul searching you need to do, with a counselor's help. But if your bottom line is that you are monoamorous (want only 1 sweetie) and you prefer monogamous relationships (2 people relating only)... there is NOTHING wrong with that. You want what you want for you. If he can no longer meet that for you, best you guys do a peaceful split than you agree to put yourself in painful situations you do not want.

"Love" is not you throwing yourself under the bus hurting yourself.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Gala,

Right now, it's coming so fast, just pouring out of him, all these thoughts and wants and needs, other people, other relationships, I don't think he can separate the two. Being poly is BEING POLY.
And yes, I wish I didn't have to hear about all of his desires and frustrations and missed opportunities with other women, and how hard and trying it's been for him to keep to his vows and how it's getting more difficult. If that makes me a bad and unreasonable person, well okay. If wishing he was as happy and satisfied with me as I am with him makes me wrong, then okie dokie. I'm wrong. I'm listening to everything he's had to say, all of his feelings and it's just crushing me. I'm trying very hard to not be judgmental, to not scream at him "Why are you doing this to me?" (I know stuff like that is unacceptable in poly), but everything he says underlines how bitterly unhappy and trapped he's felt in our marriage. I'm still here and still listening and trying to process BECAUSE I love him. But do I wish I didn't have to, that he didn't have these feelings? Oh definitely. Whether or not we stay together or he stays closed, the relationship we had before is over. If we can manage to replace it with something else remains to be seen. I guess knowing now rather than later is better, but after 20+ years of thinking you had one thing and find out you don't, well it sucks.

Bringing it up is like a Damocles' Sword. It will always be there, hanging over our heads, ready to drop. No, he may not want to immediately start dating, but it will always be a possibility. I'll always wonder if he's about to drop the bomb, if this woman is enough to push the issue, etc. And that's what I'm talking about when I say "unsettled".

I talk about obligations of maintaining promises, and yes, sometimes they can become burdens. I didn't say loving me was a burden. I'm not entirely sure he remained married and faithful because he loves me or if it's because he felt obligated by his vows. He's a very honorable person, and shirking obligations and responsibilities because they're uncomfortable is not an option for him. My issue is I don't want to be an obligation.

I find the mind reading issue funny. Like as soon as you open to more than one person, you lose the ability to read the person you've been with for decades. I can tell when he's tired, low blood sugar, worried about a job, preoccupied with a core sample, mad (mad is easy). He has "tells", I've had 2 decades to learn them. And he can't tell my heart is breaking and offer reassurance? If you have to put words in their mouths and ask them to repeat, how authentic can it be? Our first sexual encounter in weeks and I burst into tears, seriously how hard is that to read?

I've noticed in reading blogs and books on poly (oh yeah, I've got a poly library on my Kindle), that once you begin a mono-poly relationship, more emphasis is placed on the poly's and metamours' needs and the mono is basically tasked with "owning their own shit" and finding a way to fix themselves so they don't get in the way. It's just a very lonely and scary feeling.

I put an ad together for an Executive Assistant for him, placed it on his desk this morning, he hasn't mentioned it. Housework I can manage, it's the business that takes so much time and energy. I do Billing and Receiving, schedule appointments, handle all of his travel arrangements, schedule testing and follow up on results, etc. We built the business together, 16 years, but as a non-paid employee I'm pretty much done.
 
Thank you for further clarifying.

Twenty years is a lot. If he chose to bottle stuff up for so long and he chose to participate in something he was not happy in? That was his choice not to be honest with himself or with you sooner. I also do not see why he would sign up to do something his heart is not in. It seems to lack personal integrity.

To share with you and make you aware is one thing. To spew is another. It is not loving behavior to withhold information from you for so long. It is not loving behavior to spew it all at you like emotional vomit either. At least not to me.

Could he not be unloading with a counselor first... so that when he talks to you is is not so spewing?


I'm not entirely sure he remained married and faithful because he loves me or if it's because he felt obligated by his vows. He's a very honorable person, and shirking obligations and responsibilities because they're uncomfortable is not an option for him. My issue is I don't want to be an obligation.

I get that you do not want to be an obligation. You want to be loved for you, not because you are some kind of chore.

I just would phrase it this way because to me it seems to be a bit clearer ... "I have just found out my spouse has been less that up front and honest with me for many years. My trust in his word is now broken. I am not sure I am willing to stick around, when I cannot trust in his word. I now doubt everything... Like when he says he loves me...does he really? "


You have learned his tells and how to respond... That is a personal skill. You having that skill does not mean he has cultivated it himself over the years. I think it is easier to be up front and direct so you get more of what you need communicated. Then you are not relying on his having that skill to get your unspoken need heard. You get to rely on you speaking up so it is heard.

I am glad you have been up front and direct about the ad for an assistant so you can stop doing double jobs. There you are being more up front about meeting your own need for rest, and need for more balanced living. That is a good first step. In that area you are not waiting for him to see you need help. You are making it known.

You might want to set a boundary for no more talking about this until counselor appointment because you are full to the brim already. That does not make you a bad person.... It means you are full and need a time out. His need to share does not overrule your need to not hear this minute. You are not saying no never. Just not this minute, at the appointment instead. He can go talk to others in the meanwhile.

You could put your own oxygen mask on first and help yourself before you help other people.

I think you could stay true to yourself and what you value in your relationships. Def do not sign up to do things do not want to do.

Hang in there! I can see this is hard.
Galagirl
 
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Hi Monomum
You said I've got access to a wonderful new facility for respite care for our kids. I was looking forward to some time alone with him this summer.

I think, given your deeply felt response to his suggestion of opening up your relationship, that spending some quality time with your husband is a genuine need for you. You don't say where you're from but as I'm in Australia and it's summer now I'm guessing that your summer is probably a long way off. Could you organise some quality time with him sooner rather than later?

Hugs Sage
 
HFA, I have 2 autistic teens. I left a job I loved for a job I adore, but it really narrowed my world. Because of their sleep patterns (or lack thereof), I average about 4 hours a night; when they're at school, I do housework and what office work needs to be done for my husband and a nap if I can manage it. I can't seem to find the energy, time or motivation for anything else. I've talked to my husband about hiring an executive assistant. In the beginning, it was about money, now it seems like it's more about liking things the way they are. I can easily train someone to do what I do the way he likes things done, but it's easier for me to just keep doing it. Plus, I "don't work outside the home", he doesn't understand why I can't keep doing the work. I'm going to ask again for him to hire someone. I need a break. I don't know what I'll do with it, but it would be nice.

What greatly improved my life was deciding to bring in assistance with my autistic son - not just paid people to come in and help clean the house, help in my business, help with babysitting, etc. but having a midset that our family is in the market for helpful people in general. Raising autistic children, as you well know, is a never ending challenge. They will always need their parents in ways that typical kids grow out of, so as their parents we need to find our own creative ways to graduate onto greater independence, for them and for us. This mindset plus the great change in perspective I described in my last post together have gone a VERY long way in improving my marriage relationship. I found that taking the focus off of the need for my husband to offer particular behavior or words and putting it on trusting in my much happier state, welcoming in our family's increased assistance both had a great deal to do with transforming my marriage for the better, without my micromanaging the changes and making myself nuts in the process.
 
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Sage, it looks like our "quality time" for a while is going to be therapy. All of those plans were pre-poly when I still thought he was interested in spending quality time with me. Now, I'm not so sure. I think I've found a therapist who will be open to what he's seeking and not be one-sided. It's not just important to him, but to me too. I want him to feel like he's being heard and supported. We have an uneasy detente right now, he's agreed to stop drowning me in polytalk and saving it for designated times. I'm afraid if we try to have a "date", it will devolve into more arguments about poly and his needs. Just complete nightmare failure. Maybe after some therapy, he'll be more open to my needs.

HFF,
I'm not really clear about your relationship/marriage. If you're suggesting opening my home and children to whomever my husband gets the hots for, I can assure you that's not going to happen. I'll turn my part of our business over to a stranger, I'll even curb my OCD tendencies and turn some of the housework over to a stranger, but there is no power on earth that will get me to turn over my kids. Isn't it enough to take my husband?


We had a very heated discussion about hiring an assistant for him last night. This appears to be something he's not willing to compromise on and I desperately need. I kept asking why it was so important that I do it instead of training someone to do it exactly the same way, and from what I could nail down is it's OUR business and my pulling out of it makes him feel like I'm preparing to leave the marriage. It's a valid point, but.... I pointed out that 3 weeks ago, when the kids and I were down with flu, I still dragged myself to the home office and handled all the travel arrangements for his trip to Vancouver. It would have been nice for BOTH of us to know I could just take care of myself and the kids and someone else could take care of the business. If I go down, injured or seriously ill, I don't have a backup. And seriously, right now, I don't know if I CAN handle staying in the marriage if he starts dating, so realistically it would be beneficial to have someone in place and trained. If we have someone to do the job, I can be backup, filling in for sick leave and vacation. So far, this is another point of contention, but I'm hoping he'll consider my feelings and needs. I was just proud that I managed to state my case and stand my ground.

So, just finished "More Than Two" and am more depressed than ever about the prognosis for a mono wife in a poly marriage. His ex-wife, Celeste, was made out to be the evil monowife that had to go. Seems like you either completely subjugate yourself to the poly needs and wants or get out.
 
HFF,
I'm not really clear about your relationship/marriage. If you're suggesting opening my home and children to whomever my husband gets the hots for, I can assure you that's not going to happen. I'll turn my part of our business over to a stranger, I'll even curb my OCD tendencies and turn some of the housework over to a stranger, but there is no power on earth that will get me to turn over my kids. Isn't it enough to take my husband?

I fear you've misinterpreted my posts entirely. :(
 
HFF,
That's what I was saying, I'm not clear on how your relationship/marriage works, if you're mono or poly or neither and don't really have a dog in the hunt. I was just stating my boundaries. You can have my husband, but you're not coming between me and my kids. Period. If that's not poly-compliant, and I strongly suspect it isn't since it's putting brakes on whatever the poly partners want, then I'm out.
 
I felt HFA was referring to getting help from an assistant or mothers help, not allowing your husband's crush into your home to help with the kids.

There are many people and many different opinions on here. Some of us despite having poly feelings care very much for our husbands/wives first and foremost and find that being able to be honest about our feelings and be accepted is enough whether or not we get to explore further with anyone. And some of our partners find that if they don't feel pressured in any way and they feel safe that their relationship with us will continue to be high priority that they can give more leeway than they thought initially without suffering for it.

You absolutely do not have to rush yourself to accept whatever he is demanding right now. Poly relationships are much more demanding than mono ones for the poly partner. Is he prepared for the amount of work he needs to do to keep more than one relationship healthy simultaneously or is it you supposed to be doing all the prep? You could insist on some time to come to terms with what he's asking for and ask him to show you during that time that he is really invested in making sure you are and your relationship is nurtured and that he won't let that slide in any way before agreeing to explore anything.
 
Confused, I appreciate your point of view.

"You could insist on some time to come to terms with what he's asking for and ask him to show you during that time that he is really invested in making sure you are and your relationship is nurtured and that he won't let that slide in any way before agreeing to explore anything."

I'm struggling with this. Insisting someone show you what you want/need to see in exchange for the freedom to explore makes it all feel forced and false. Right now, I'm seriously doubting he ever truly loved me and just stayed in the marriage because he felt obligated. For him to treat me differently in order to get what he wants, what guarantees do I have that once he falls for someone new, I won't drop off his radar? I have yet to see one example of a happy/healthy mono partner of a formerly mono marriage. Even the guru of poly dumped his wife for his lovers.

I've asked if I could just be left out of it, he does whatever he wants when he's on the road and just not involve me in it, and apparently that's "DADT" and NOT acceptable in poly circles. So I'm back to "do I force myself to let go of everything I love and need in my marriage" or "do I leave".
 
Monomom, if you are his business partner, you have every right to hire an assistant.

It often happens that one spouse starts looking elsewhere because the person they are married to is no longer the "new and shiny." Your husband might see you, his spouse, as the "same old, same old," there for him as childcare, business partner, chief cook and bottle-washer, so to speak - and it is imperative that you bring the sexy back if you want to deepen your intimacy together. His refusal to hire an assistant thwarts your ability to make time to be there for YOU, for your family, and to work on improving your connection and the dynamic of your marriage.

In effect that is what HappilyFallenAngel was saying about getting specialized childcare. Any outside help that releases you from some of your work will help you to flourish, and you will be more self-reliant and less dependent on your husband for certain needs. This goes hand in hand with going on dates and having romantic evenings with your husband, to keep the romance, or outward expressions of love and intimacy, between you alive.

Even monogamous couples need to date each other regularly or it is too easy to stop seeing a partner as new and exciting. People evolve, change, and grow all the time, but we think we know the people we live with every day and believe that they are the same old person we always knew. Not! It takes effort to take blinders off.

Stand your ground on getting the assistant. If you are willing to accept him having other relationships, he should be willing to accept what you need to make it work for you. Mono/poly arrangements can indeed work very well, but it takes concerted effort and a willingness to compromise, on both sides, to be done well. It will never work if your husband just thinks he can just say, "I want to change the whole dynamic of our marriage" and expect you to just roll over and give in. If he wants to be the hinge of a Vee, he has double responsibility to manage and nurture both relationships without letting one slide. He will have to know what you need in order to do that.

Additionally, just because he has brought the subject up now, does not mean he should be initiating anything with anyone else right away. He should also be willing to discuss fully the ramifications of what he wants, and to make sure his relationship with you is as solid and strong and supportive as it can be before even thinking about pursuing anyone else. Crushes fizzle away; obsessions or a mid-life crisis can morph into other things, like hobbies. The chick he's into might not even want to get involved with a married man.


I also have to note that you keep referring to not wanting to do things "the poly way," with a lot of bitterness. In actuality, there is no poly way, no one poly lifestyle, and definitely no poly authority or rulebook. No guru of poly, so I'm not even sure who you are referring to with that remark. Everyone does poly in their own way, and incorporates it into their own unique lifestyles.

Look, all poly is is the desire or ability to engage in multiple loving relationships with full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. While all these books on poly can be illuminating, they should not be seen as guidebooks if what they recommend isn't relevant to your situation. There is nothing wrong with wanting to remain monogamous, nor in feeling hurt and betrayed by your husband's sudden announcement that he simultaneously wants to have another relationship. There is nothing wrong with DADT if that works for you. Really, who gives a flying fuck what other poly people think about your agreements and your arrangement if everyone in it is happy and satisfied? The "poly circles" don't live in your house. But I would recommend asking for time to process this before any steps are taken. Important decisions should never be made when emotions like hurt and anger are running high.

If you do not consent to being in a poly arrangement, that is your right and if he pursues anything with anyone else knowing you do not consent, it's cheating, not poly. You don't have to kowtow to any demands that he makes on you.
 
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I was just going to reply similarly to NYCIndie. This is your life, your marriage and there are as many ways to live while identifying as poly as there are ways to live while identifying as female for instance. She said it all really well! You can ask for what you need, you can agree or not agree to anything he asks if you and the only people's opinions that matter about how you run your relationship are those who can't avoid being affected by it. Right now, you, your husband and your children.

You seem to have a problem with the idea that you should ask for what you need though? Nobody can mind read and meet all their partner's needs. Nor is it more valid if they manage to guess what you need than if you ask and they give.
 
And I seriously don't get how you can NOT know someone you love is hurting, scared, needs reassurance and affection. Are you all so wrapped up in your own worlds and your other loves that you can't see what's right under your noses and have to be told every time someone is hurting? If I have to go, "Um, excuse me, I'm still here even if you don't notice and I'd like some of the scraps from your poly table," is that really a valid form of love? I honestly don't want affection not freely given.

I've been by his side, thick and a whole lot of thin, loving and supporting him, working with him to achieve his dream, making sure he has everything he needs to flourish in his career, supporting his hobbies, giving him room to do his own thing, and it still wasn't enough for him to find happiness with me. Knowing now he's been miserable all this time, I'm really confused about why he wants to stay married. I've asked several times and not really gotten an answer. Why would you want to stay with someone when you've never felt happy? And I'm really questioning my perceptions of what was real in our relationship because I thought we were good together, plenty of happiness.

I was referring to Franklin Veaux as the poly guru. Just finished reading More than Two, and my heart goes out to his ex-wife, Celeste.
 
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Are you all so wrapped up in your own worlds and your other loves that you can't see what's right under your noses and have to be told every time someone is hurting?

No reason to attack or insult us. We are trying to help you. Your anger is quite misplaced. Jeez!

It doesn't matter whether someone is poly or mono - people are not mind readers. We see others through the lenses of our own experiences and may not know specifics of what others are feeling, though we may sense that something is wrong.

He may know you are hurt or irritated, but it can only help you to be vocal about it and discuss specific fears and concerns. That's what any married couple needs to do, poly or mono - to talk about what is bothering them and ask for what they need. Yes, of course, you "need reassurance and affection," but that is vague, because how someone wants to receive reassurance and affection will look different to everyone. He may not realize the extent of your anger, either, which is coming through loud and clear in your posts.

It isn't a failure to have to express these things to a spouse, it is a basic and necessary relationship skill.

If you can focus on the practical aspects of your situation and wish to ask for advice without constantly putting down polyamory and its practitioners, you might be able to take some good things away from the responses. We've all acknowledged that it is not for you. Now please be kind to those of us who are/practice poly and do not hurl low blows our way. Perhaps if you let him know how angry you are at him, you will stop taking potshots at everyone else in the world who has multiple relationships.
 
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I'm sorry, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the wrong cog in the works. I've just been told by someone I deeply love that he's been deeply unhappy all this time. I'm still looking for most of the shards of my heart.

Can someone please tell me why something that should be so easily given has to be constantly requested in polyamory? I grew up with beautiful examples of loving, successful monogamous relationships and not once do I recall seeing my grandma or mom ask their husbands for loving gestures or reassurances, time or attention or affection. I remember seeing my grandparents still holding hands and kissing and being very in tune after 60 years of marriage. It was something they gave freely because they loved and cherished each other, not because they were asked or reminded. If I have to constantly remind my husband to pay attention to me, is it really a valid relationship? If I have to lay out, chapter and verse, why I'm crying all the time and beg for things that will make me feel better but aren't considered "healthy" in poly relationships, is that really healthy? Is that one of the core differences between how poly people and mono people relate to each other? Monos seek out what their partners need or are feeling, and polys expect you to lay it out for them to approve or reject? Is that something I'm going to have to give up my way and learn the poly way in order to relate?

So I apologize for finding polyamory cold and alien. I know it works for some people and you're happy with it and that's what matters. I just don't know how to fit my mono heart into a poly world.
 
I understand hurting. You've been deceived by him and you are feeling that and reeling from that. That's normal. It sucks. My husband has never professed to be poly but he lied to me about various things over a period of time and when he confessed to things we had to go through a period of healing. I didn't think I would ever trust him again but I kept telling him exactly what I needed from him in order to trust the new relationship we were trying to build and he kept giving it to me over a period of months that stretched into years and slowly the trust grew between us again. Two years later I realised I really trusted him again. He had earned it.
He showed me he was committed to rebuilding what we had and wanted to be with me very much. He did this by being willing to do anything I asked of him. Not grudgingly but because I requested it and he wanted to know exactly how best to make me happy.

If you request something from your husband and he doesn't do it willingly then that's a different message. But if you say to your husband something that you need and he does it, would you really then punish him for not having known to do it before you said?

If you ask for the things you need and he doesn't do them, or doesn't do them willingly then you have more information to use in your decision whether to stay or go.
 
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