This Is A Curve Ball

[ToyBallerina]

Okay, this is weird and I'm a but scared to post it. I was going to post it on Reddit but I thought I would rather try here. Registered to the site, browsed around, got so caught up in reading like a bookworm and forgot to post. It's confusing. I typed it on my phone, and it's late for me. So, here goes.

Last year, I got into a long-distance relationship with Samantha, who is married to Rachelle, who is also currently long distance. We are all transgender. I'm on the west coast. Samantha is on the east coast.

I've known Samantha for a good three years on social media, as friends. I knew she was married, so when she mentioned polyamory I had no idea what it was, term-wise. I read up to get the basics, at least, to have a understanding of its structure. I realized my last relationship four years ago was a V, apparently.

Anyway, when the relationship with Samantha started, there was no talk of boundaries, rules, other than her wife comes first. There's hierarchy, easily respectable. I have no interest in trying to cowgirl anyone. Other than that, no work has been done.

Samantha is neurodivergent. I've been as supportive as I can with the distance between us. Lots of talking about goals, favorite movies, hobbies, and kinks. One kink is concerning. Doable, but only in limited dosages, because it's a bit dehumanizing. Since we're long distance, communication has been primarily text messages, voice or video calls. I love the latter.

Personally, I'm a INFJ, a people-pleaser, of sorts. I work full time for a contractor, and I am going to college, earning side certifications needed for a better career, narrowing down a list of names, which is important to note, and where I see myself in the future. I been planning on moving to another state for the past three years. This move is planned for next year.

When Samantha asked if I would move to their state, obviously the answer was, well, yes. It is not the first state on my list, but theirs is an interesting one that I actually like a good amount. I'm up for an adventure. The state college is nice and there are a few tech opportunities too.

Things were, well, as normal as they can get. I get along with their wife, and really enjoy her company when we do get to chat, which is once a blue moon when she is around, unfortunately. Personally, I try not to soak up much of Samantha's time, as I don't want to interfere with her time with her wife, and giving her time to herself is nice.

This is how things ran until the middle of last year, when Samantha mentioned being interested in another person. Ultimately I was introduced to Sara via chat, which completed the "unofficial polycule". (Samantha's words, literally.) First thing I think is, Samantha is about to be heavily polysaturated. Two, my meta's name is similar to one on my list. Think Sara, and Sarah. I brought this up, and was told essentially that's not the name for me. Okay, anyways...

Sara knows a lot more about me right off the bat than I do her. Personally I know nothing about her. So I felt a little on the back foot playing catch up. The same day, Samantha talks about my plans to move and throws out the idea of getting an apartment with Sara. Which is a bit fast, too fast. Even to this day, Samantha is pushing for it. Also that if something happens to Samantha, Sara and I would have each other. Sara moves in with Samantha quickly. Communication became sporadic, heavily one-sided. If I didn't initiate I wouldn't hear anything from Samantha. I get it people get busy, NRE, life, it happens. I stepped back to give space, which is possibly my mistake.

Though this goes on for months, Samantha would ultimately apologize for it because she was busy, and would have more time in the future. I accepted and said it was ok. Unfortunately, there's no one-on-one time anymore, unless two things happen. Either Sara is not around, or Samantha will talk to me about kinky sex and threesomes. Which makes me feel like a breathing sex toy. I haven't had a conversation that hasn't revolved around kinks since February.

Other than that, it's all group dates now. For example, I had taken some days off work to get a break, as I generally don't get to take days off. Samantha said she wanted time with me, so I set aside a few days thinking it was for us to talk, or video call. But it was a group date. I haven't had one-on-one time since December.

Thanks to Multiamory Podcast, episode 335, I'm guessing Samantha is going for a quad ultimately. We can't forget the wife in the equation. Hence the group dates. However, it feels like I'm dating both Samantha and Sara as a unit. During one of the group dates, we all did talk about me taking a trip to visit them later this year for a week or possibly two, which I did agree to. Now I'm not so sure.

Lastly, there has been some fights between Rachelle, Samantha and Sara in a short span. Which makes me think this whole thing moved too fast and might be unstable. I only learned about it because I provide an ear for Samantha to vent too. No, I'm not going to mediate it, definitely not getting involved as I don't like arguments.

So, that's where I stand currently. I'm confused and exhausted. I'm calling on the experienced people on this forum for a little insight and advice. How would you handle this situation?

Also, for future reference, I read on the polyamory Reddit sub that NRE can last 6 to 24 months. Does a partner wait it out? I also read it's a good idea to wait a year or two before cohabitating. I guess that's really just relationship 101. However, does that clock reset if there is a meta involved? Sorry I typed so much, or if this seems confusing. Everything has moved extremely fast, to the point I updated this four times, before I posted. Being tired does not help, either.

Further notes: I'm okay with exploring kinks. I'd rather not feel used. I have brought up my concern with one of these kinks on numerous occasions, as it's a borderline hard limit. It's very, dehumanizing. I agreed to helping explore it, only on a limited basis.

Also, no, I didn't pick this particular name because of my meta. I had picked it before I was a teenager. It's the female version of my childhood hero's name. He was a race car driver. He lost his legs in a accident. Two, my best friend for the past 17 years and her mother who passed away. Her mother openly called me by that name, and they are like family to me. My best friend wants me to keep it, due to it being very popular and easy to spell. Samantha actually met me under that name on social media. I stopped publicly using it because I was suddenly required to deal with very confidential information.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like you were right not to rush into moving to be near Samantha, much less moving in with her. You're busy in your own area with working and taking classes to advance your career. You've never even met Samantha in real life.

She impulsively moved this Sarah in with her and her wife in the early stages of knowing her. Now it sounds like the three of them aren't getting along. I'd be so relieved not to be in the midst of that thing (whether it's a V or a triad).

Now that Samantha has Sarah, she has no time for one-on-one video dates with you. Hmm, she's got two birds in her hand (Wife and Sarah), and one in the bush (you). She's a busy gal.

I can see why you'd feel neglected. It sounds like she's got NRE, for sure, and she also sounds fully polysaturated with her two live-in partners. I don't see the point in continuing to feel like you're dating her, or to consider moving to her coast/town, or even to visiting her.

If I were you, I'd be tempted to just stop contacting her, and wait and see if and when she contacts you. Then tell her you want one-on-one video dates exclusively, or you're done. You're not dating Sarah. She is.

It's possible she's just an NRE junkie. In that case, waiting out her NRE wouldn't work, because as soon as she's done with Sarah, she'll find someone else. (Someone local whom she can love bomb and convince to move in with her.)

That's how it all looks from here, anyway. My sympathies.

 

[Bobbi]

The same day Samantha talks about my plans to move and throws out the idea of getting an apartment with Sara. Which is a bit fast, too fast. Even to this day, Samantha is pushing for it

You need your own place. Have you even met Samantha in person? I would NOT move in with Sara, a stranger and metamour. Samantha isn't the boss of you and shouldn't be pushing roommates on you or creating requirements without your consent.

Sara moves in with Samantha quickly.

Well, looks like that is settled. Live alone in your own place. That is a time bomb waiting to explode and you don't want any part of it

Communication became sporadic, heavily one-sided. If I didn't initiate I wouldn't hear anything from Samantha. I get it people get busy, NRE, life, it happens. I stepped back to give space, which is possibly my mistake.

No mistake, I would have assumed the same. Give them the space they need, otherwise I'd set myself up for heartache.

Unfortunately, there's no one-on-one time anymore.

it's all group dates now.

I haven't had one-on one-time since December.

it feels like I'm dating both Samantha and Sara as a unit

This is a HUGE problem. You must have one-on-one time that's focused on intimate bonding, not kink. You need to let Samantha know this is not okay and is killing your relationship. You need to tell her your needs explicitly so she isn't forced to read your mind and will know what you need. Ex: "I would like one date per week that is video call, where we connect and do not talk about Sara or kink or sex". You can also tell her if you want the date to be private....no giving Sara the details about any of the conversations.

You could also say no more than one group date per month. It is not okay for Samantha to push her girlfriend on you, or make any kinds of assumptions about how you'll do poly. It sounds like she wants KTP, but you don't, at least not to that extent. You'll need to discuss this and decide just how much interaction you want to have with Sara.

Do you want to be parallel? Maybe share a certain number of group dates per month? Figure out what you want and tell her. KTP is not for everyone, and if it's group dates all the time, you'll be very unhappy and should just end it.

Which makes me think this whole thing moved too fast and might be unstable

Of course. They're in NRE and moved in together.

NRE can last 6 to 24 months. Does a partner wait it out? I also read it's a good idea to wait a year or two before cohabitating. I guess that's really just Relationship 101. However, does that clock reset if there is a meta involved?

Yes, wait it out. You need to have a full picture of what you are getting yourself into. I would wait at least a year after you move there and date her in person before considering moving in together. So far, you don't have quality communication, as Samantha is running your relationship without your input or consent. You have people-pleasing tendencies, so you aren't asserting what you want or need, and it seems you might not have the skills yet to stand up for yourself. Now imagine you have two more people telling you what to do while living together. Meta has nothing to do with your NRE, but you need to understand how their dynamic will effect you. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM. Get your own place and see how all of this plays out over the next year.

I have brought up my concern with it on numerous occasions, as it's a borderline hard limit. It's very, dehumanizing. I agreed to helping explore it, only on a limited basis

It sounds like you are people pleasing here. Just tell her NO you won't explore it and never to ask again. She has other partners that can fulfill that kink for her but you are not interested at all.

I had picked it before I was teenaged. It's the female version of my childhood hero's name.

Your name is your name. Samantha doesn't get to choose for you! If this relationship ends, which I think it will because of the dynamic you've shared, you'll feel like an idiot for letting someone else influence your name. You need to own who you are and make no apologies about it. If she wants to use a pet name for you, that's fine but you get to choose who you are to the world.

If I was in your position, I would have voiced my needs, wants and desires and if she couldn't step up it would have been over.

Being able to voice your truth, needs and desires, especially when they are in conflict with others is an essential skill needed in polyamory to be successful at it. Otherwise you'll be an unhappy doormat, stuck in a relationship you didn't design or consent to, that makes you feel trapped. I encourage you to practice that skill. You get better at it the more you do it.

You have options to move anywhere. If you choose to move to their state, make sure you'll be happy there and it's what you'd want if this relationship doesn't work out. Just like your name, you'll feel like a fool moving there just for her, if the relationship ends and there's no real opportunity for you there.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ToyBallerina,

Two questions. First, do you want to be in a quad? and second, are you okay with the way Samantha is treating you? It's probably NRE, but that doesn't mean you just have to sit and wait it out. You could tell Samantha that you are okay with her having NRE, but that you are not okay with her letting NRE control her actions. You could tell her to expect you to remind her, whenever she treats you bad or neglects you.

I think I would hold off on moving in with Samantha until Samantha is treating you better. And even after that, I wouldn't move in right away. Instead, I'd do some practice visits -- just hour-long visits at first, then if/when those are going well, then four-hour visits, then eight-hour, then overnight, then three-day stays, then week-long stays. The idea is to pause at each step in the process until that much visiting time is going well.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I don't know this will help you any. But if it were me, I'd bow out. I've only been dating Samantha LDR for a year, and never up close, locally, so WHY would I uproot to move in with her?

The same day, Samantha talks about my plans to move and throws out the idea of getting an apartment with Sara. Which is a bit fast, too fast. Even to this day, Samantha is pushing for it. Also that if something happens to Samantha, Sara and I would have each other.

I am not someone's little dolly or puppet to move about. On top of neglecting our 1:1 time and turning everything into a group date with Sara, Samantha doing this kind of thing would be a HUGE turn-off for me. Nope. I'd end it, just move forward with my career plans however I wanted, and NOT bother moving to whatever state they are all in.

If it's a great a state for my career, I might end the relationship, move there and just NOT TELL THEM. I would move to my OWN flat in that state, live alone or get my own roomie.

Very low on my list would be agreeing to move and still date Samantha. But to do that, I'd have to have my own place. I'm NOT living with anyone that I've only been LDR-dating a year, never dated up close and local. The last thing I need is the expenses of cross-country moving, living with all them, having that explode, then more expenses to move back out again to a flat of my own so I'm not stuck living with an ex.

If I can't afford to live in my own place from the start if I move over there, and get to see if dating Samantha is any better local than LDR, I just wouldn't go. Spare myself the stress. That's what I would do in your shoes.

During one of the group dates, we all did talk about me taking a trip to visit them later this year for a week, or possibly two, which I did agree to. Now I'm not so sure.

I'd drop that part if I'm breaking up. Not bother with a visit. I'd rather vacation elsewhere.

If I'm doing "wait and see," I would go, but stay in a HOTEL, not with them, so I'd have safe space to get away/have breaks. NO group sex, NO kink, much less the dehumanizing kind.

If Samantha is trying to treat you like a dolly or puppet, you don't have to agree, and you definitely do not have to agree to be a living sex doll.

Everything has moved extremely fast.

Yeah, but Samantha can do that in her life, live it at breakneck speed and deal with all the consequences of that. YOU do not have to that in YOURS. You can say "no" and pass on stuff you do not want. You get to set the tone/pace for how you want to live YOUR life. Remember that.

Galagirl

 

[ToyBallerina]

She impulsively moved this Sarah in with her and her wife in the early stages of knowing her. Now it sounds like the three of them aren't getting along. I'd be so relieved not to be in the midst of that thing (whether it's a V or a triad).

This was my first reaction to speed with which they moved in together, coupled with the wife being long distance in another country.

We all did have a group hangout yesterday. It went well, but it was the only time all four of us have gotten together.

I don't see the point in continuing to feel like you're dating her, or to consider moving to her coast/town, or even to visiting her.

I had this thought in March, actually. Weirdly, it wasn't resentment, nor jealousy. It was as if I'd invested too much from an emotional standpoint, and was entering sunk-cost territory.

If I were you, I'd be tempted to just stop contacting her, and wait and see if and when she contacts you.

This did happen, and not on purpose. I was working overtime during the week, then proceeded to oversleep during the weekend. She did contact me so we could all stream a movie. At that time, the situation was still very new, and I'd had a one-on-one date the day before. I'm sure this will happen again, unfortunately, but I'm definitely keeping it in mind to ask for some sort of time with the two of us.

It's possible she's just an NRE junkie. In that case, waiting out her NRE wouldn't work, because as soon as she's done with Sarah, she'll find someone else.

I went though an old chat log, where she mentioned dopamine and ADHD. I don't think she will abandon Sara due to NRE. They're very intimate. I get the sense of it with how they talk to each other when I'm around. You could be absolutely right... I'm slightly juggling the idea of waiting it out.... slightly.

 

[ToyBallerina]

You need your own place. Have you even met Samantha in person? I would NOT move in with Sara, a stranger and metamour. Samantha isn't the boss of you and shouldn't be pushing roommates on you or creating requirements without your consent.

Well, looks like that is settled. Live alone in your own place. That is a time bomb waiting to explode and you don't want any part of it.

I have not met Samantha in person. Originally I wanted to visit last year. Unfortunately, a good half of the team I worked with took a vacation around the same time, so I communicated about planning it this year.

I'm definitely getting my own place. I actually warned her about planning so fast and so soon. I will not under any circumstances move anywhere without a job in hand. Plus I need an emergency plan, because, like you, I do have a feeling this is going to explode.

No mistake, I would have assumed the same, and given them the space they need. Otherwise I'd be setting myself up for heartache.

Okay, so I am little better now.

This is a HUGE problem. You must have one-on-one time that's focused on intimate bonding, not kink. You need to let Samantha know this is not okay and is killing your relationship. You need to tell her your needs explicitly so she isn't forced to read your mind and knows what you need. Ex. "I would like one date per week that is a video call, where we connect and do not talk about Sara or kink or sex." You can also tell her if you want the date to be private.... no giving Sara the details about any of the conversation.

I'm going to have to do this as soon as possible. The only hard part is that since they are living together, who knows how private that conversation or date will be.

It sounds like she wants KTP, but you don't, at least not to that extent. You'll need to discuss this and decide just how much interaction you want to have with Sara. Do you want to be more parallel, and maybe only share a certain number of group dates per month? Figure out what you want and tell her.

You are correct. I do like KTP. We had that dynamic on weekends when we first started. We were also parallel six days out of the week. Samantha and her wife and I all live separately, though. Currently with Sara I never pictured this. Navigating it is a lot harder.

Yes, wait it out. You need to have a full picture of what you are getting yourself into. I would wait at least a year after you move there and date her in person before considering moving in together. So far, you don't have quality communication, as Samantha is running your relationship without your input or consent. You have people-pleasing tendencies, so you aren't asserting what you want or need, and it seems you might not have the skills yet to stand up for yourself. Now imagine you have two more people telling you what to do while living together. The meta has nothing to do with your NRE, but you need to understand how their dynamic will affect you. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM. Get your own place and see how all of this plays out over the next year.

I'm trying to repair our communication. She's a bit hard to get ahold of, let alone keep her attention. She says she's busy, sometimes very tired. I can definitely empathize. So I tried something, to catch her in the afternoon. A few of the times I've caught her in the afternoon she would communicate for maybe 10 minutes and then just disappear. It comes in like batches, or spurts.

I'm working hard on my tendency to people please. I will usually compromise, within reason. Lately I've been more likely to unapologetically say "no," and it's burned a few bridges. My last relationship ultimately ended because I didn't give them the answer they wanted to hear. This was after telling them I had to cancel our date because my mother needed emergency surgery.

Your name is your name. Samantha doesn't get to choose for you! If this relationship ends, which I think it will because of the dynamic you've shared, you'll feel like an idiot for letting someone else influence your name. You need to own who you are and make no apologies about it. If she wants to use a pet name for you, that's fine, but you get to choose who you are to the world.

My best friend warned me of that. If it blew up, I would be an idiot for letting someone else influence my name. I picked out pet names ahead of time.

Being able to voice your truth, needs and desires, especially when they are in conflict with others, is an essential skill needed in polyamory to be successful at it. Otherwise you'll be an unhappy doormat, stuck in a relationship you didn't design or consent to, that makes you feel trapped. I encourage you to practice that skill. You get better at it the more you do it.

You have options to move anywhere. If you choose to move to their state, make sure you'll be happy there and it's what you'd want if this relationship didn't work out. Just like your name, you'll feel like a fool moving there just for her, if the relationship ends and there's no real opportunity for you there.

Is there a book of some sorts about how to communicate that in a polyamorous relationship? I know in monogamy the communication, especially during conflict, usually only has a huge effect on the two parties. A quad, especially this one, could effect all four involved.

About moving, I'm comparing a pros and cons list of a few states. Things like weather, jobs, colleges, ugh rent prices. Trying to make a decision wisely.

 

[ToyBallerina]

Two questions. First, do you want to be in a quad? and second, are you okay with the way Samantha is treating you? It's probably NRE, but that doesn't mean you just have to sit and wait it out. You could tell Samantha that you are okay with her having NRE, but that you are not okay with her letting NRE control her actions. You could tell her to expect you to tell her whenever she treats you bad or neglects you.

I think I would hold off on moving in with Samantha until she is treating you better. And even after that, I wouldn't move in right away. Instead, I'd do some practice visits -- just hour-long visits at first, then if/when those are going well, then four-hour visits, then eight-hour, then overnight, then three-day stays, then week-long stays. The idea is to pause at each step in the process until that much visiting time is going well.

Hi Kevin!

I would love to be in a quad, at least if it didn't go too fast. I'm currently not okay with how I'm being treated. I feel left out, like a toy on a shelf. She has said a few times when things calm down she will have more time. I'll hold her to it while I worry about other things. I'm attempting to repair our communication, as it's been horrid. She's a little tough to reach currently.

I will highly take your advice to hold off on moving in with Samantha or Sara. It's risky, too risky. I have to move to that state first, as well. Practice visits with intervals are a great idea! Thanks! I never would have thought of that!

 

[ToyBallerina]

I don't know this will helps you any. But if it were me I'd bow out. I've only been dating Samantha LDR for a year and never up close, locally. So WHY would I uproot to move in with her?

Logically I've been thinking this exact thought very heavily. I could've met her far sooner, but those plans got derailed due to staffing. You're point still stands though. It's silly to uproot and go live with her.

I am not someone's little dolly or puppet to move about. On top of neglecting our 1:1 time and turning everything into a group date with Sara. Samantha doing this kind of thing would be a HUGE turn off for me. Nope. I'd end it and just move forward with my career plans however I wanted, and NOT bother moving to whatever state they are all in.

If it's a great a state for my career, I might end the relationships and then move there and just NOT TELL THEM. I would move to my OWN flat in that state. I'd live alone or get my own roomie.

It is a huge problem and a huge turn off. So far, it makes me a bit hesitant to talk to her, almost as if I know where the conversation will go in five minutes. Its like I'm the unicorn, derogatorily speaking.

Moving on and just going forward with my career at the front could happen. It actually might happen. I've sacrificed a lot of time that could have been put elsewhere. I'm putting more work into my career, school, hobbies and friends. If I do decide my patience has run dry, I will end it. I will take your advice. I still could move there and not tell them! And as you said, only if the state is good for my career.

I'd drop it if I'm breaking up. Not bother with a visit. I'd rather vacation elsewhere.

If I'm doing "wait and see" I would go, but stay in a HOTEL and not with any of them, so I have a safe space to get away/have breaks. NO group sex and NO kink, much less the dehumanizing kind.

If Samantha is trying to treat you like a dolly or puppet, you don't have to agree. You definitely do not have to agree to be a living sex doll.

Samantha can do that in her life, live it at breakneck speed and deal with all the consequences of that. YOU do not have to that in YOURS. You can say "no" and pass on stuff you do not want. You get to set the tone/pace for how you want to live YOUR life. Remember that.

I'm currently doing the "wait and see" thing. I've researched hotels in the area, priced out plane tickets roughly. There's no way I'm staying with them on a vacation or visit to the city. Besides, I have a bad habit of being a night owl. So a hotel lets me get up, study, or go get some ice cream at 3 AM without waking anyone up.

Kinks and group sex would totally be out. My performance and what she might have in her head wouldn't match anyway. There might be some consequences for going at breakneck speed. I might have gotten lucky not rushing to move, period, and ultimately avoid the explosion. If she does try to treat me like a doll again, I will have a long conversation about it or I'll bow out.

 

[Bobbi]

A quad, especially this one, could affect all four involved.

But is it a quad? So far it sounds like you are only in a relationship with Samantha, with Sara and Rachelle being your metamours. A quad would mean you have romantic relationships with at least two of them.

In a triad or quad you need one-on-one time with each romantic dyad. And there are a ton of relationships in a quad... I can't even do the math, but in a triad there are seven, so add a fourth and it gets really ridiculous.

From what you've described it looks like an asterisk with Samantha in the middle, and the rest of you connected to her, not a square.

In poly you work things out with your partner about your dyad relationship. It's the hinge, or Samantha, that has to manage all three of her relationships. It's considered sloppy hinge work to pull all your partners together to get them to manage the polycule.

I'm afraid that's why she is being so strict KTP. If she can force you all to think you are in a quad she can be sloppy and tell you to "work it out with X" instead of managing her relationships herself.

 

[GalaGirl]

If she does try to treat me like a doll again, I will have a long conversation about it or I'll bow out.

You do not have to explain to people why it is not okay to treat you like a doll/puppet. It's okay to just exit. Just lifting that up.

Galagirl

 

[ToyBallerina]

But is it a quad? So far, it sounds like you are only in a relationship with Samantha, with Sara and Rachelle being your metamours. A quad would mean you have romantic relationships with at least two of them.

It's safer to say no, it's not a quad. Just an asterisk with Samantha in a middle. I could assume that Rachelle and Sara are possibly romantically involved with each other, but I'm not. Samantha just wants us to get along well enough to be friends or friendly, and the bigger one, sexual in a group setting. I can definitely say the latter because it's talked about too much. ...At least with me it is.

I'm afraid that's why she is being so strict KTP. If she can force you all to think you are in a quad she can be sloppy and tell you to "work it out with X" instead of managing her relationships herself.

That's what I'm sensing. Or she wants to squeeze all of us into a single date night and then consider it done.

 

[Evie]

Ewww. Red flags. You know you're allowed to end this at any time for any reason, right?

 

[ToyBallerina]

You do not have to explain to people why it is not okay to treat you like a doll/puppet. It's okay to just exit.

I really shouldn't. I often wonder if they know they are doing it, hence I was thinking of having a conversation if it happens again. I'm dropping that option.

 

[ToyBallerina]

Ewww. Red flags. You know you're allowed to end this at any time for any reason, right?

Yes definitely, and I'm contemplating doing so. I wanted experienced opinions, because at the beginning it wasn't even close to being like this. It turned into this situation so fast it took me a while to just process what was happening.

 

[Bobbi]

Yes definitely, and I'm contemplating doing so. I wanted experienced opinions, because at the beginning it wasn't even close to being like this. It turn into this situation so fast it took me a while to just process what was happening.

I'm glad you reached out. It's hard, when thrown into something new that you know nothing about, to know what is right and what is wrong.

How you are being treated in this relationship is definitely wrong. Being poly doesn't mean group dates. (They can happen, but that is a decision YOU make for yourself, if you want that or not.) It's not group sex. (It can happen, but it not a part of poly. It's just how you like to have sex, or not, and can be with a partner or not. You could choose to have group sex with them and not be in a relationship at all). It's not stepping back and letting your partners do all the work, and it's not an excuse to be a shitty partner to anyone.

It sounds like you have a bad hinge partner. It's early in the game. You haven't even met in person. I'd get out. You don't want the nightmare of them trying to learn with you.

IMO, if an adult doesn't have the empathy to understand that treating people that way is not okay, it will be a horrible relationship, monogamous or not.

 

[ToyBallerina]

I'm glad you reached out. It's hard when thrown into something new that you know nothing about; to know what is right and what is wrong.

How you are being treated in this relationship is definitely wrong. Being poly doesn't mean group dates (they can happen but that is a decision YOU make for yourself, if you want that or not), group sex (it can happen but it not a part of poly, it's just how you like to have sex, or not and can be with partner or not. You could choose to have group sex with them and not be in a relationship at all), it's not stepping back and letting your partners do all the work and it's not an excuse to be a shitty partner to anyone.

This sounds like you have a bad hinge partner and this early in the game, you haven't even met in person, I'd get out. You don't want the nightmare of them trying to learn with you.

IMO, if an adult doesn't have the empathy to understand that treating people that way is not OK, it will be a horrible relationship, monogamous or not

I'm sorry, I meant to reply to you earlier, but got sidetracked.

Huge, huge thanks to everyone for answering. It is hard getting thrown into something new, attempting to go slow, then have it pick up pace quickly in ways I wouldn't have imagined. It's good to know I'm not going crazy or overthinking what was going on. I have a clearer perspective now on what's going on and how to handle it in various ways.

 

[kdt26417]

Glad we could help. You are not going crazy.