This site has helped, but I need a lot more

O

oikord

New member
Hello,

This is my first post. I would like to preface this with saying I respect all of us and believe we really are equal. If at some future time, I post about my situation and it was about you, I'm not wishing you any ill will. I am looking for my own growth and support.

This is a very new concept for me. I'm male, mono, hetero, 32. Together for 16 years and married for 12. Three kids.

The love of my life, my wife "Dara," is now polyamorous, as of three weeks ago. She is dating "Dave."

I am still sane in part due to the discussions on this forum. Thank you all!

I am hurting, I am sad, depressed, freaked out, short of breath, panicky, angry. But mostly I am afraid of losing Dara, sometimes when we aren't at home together, and especially when she's with Dave. When we're together (as of three weeks ago) I am on Cloud 9. All my problems disappear and she is loving/supportive and quickly addresses my fears.

Luckily we have one friend couple who know, as they have had the same exact thing happen more than once in their 20+ yrs marriage (the male is is mono, the female is poly), and I've been texting them for support. (But for the sake of my Dara, we won't let anyone else in our lives know, ever, due to them not being like us.) I've followed their advice and taken any restrictions off of Dara between her and Dave (who is married, poly for long time), except for pregnancy and us getting STDs. Last weekend she saw him about 50% of time, and me 50% of time. I had the kids the whole time.

I also have started a new journey in my life (as of last week), and am working at following the advice to work on myself, make me happy with myself, make me love myself, make me feel sexy to myself. I have begun reading/listening to Dara's reading list of personal growth books (which I couldn't ever "find time" to do over the last 10 years, when her journey began).

What I'd like from this community right now is to forward me some posts that I could read and learn from and to explore my feelings and to cope. Maybe even find a friend for support who has experienced the same thing.

The search function is not working and I'm hoping you experienced folks may be able to send me many posts on these topics quickly, as I really need some help now. I may or may not be experiencing these things today, or they may be my key fears, but I don't want to discuss my specific situation in a public forum. Here are the subjects I'm really wanting to explore:

- Safer sex vs. unprotected sex in polyamory.
- After testing for STDs, is it ever acceptable to have unprotected sex?
- Pregnancy issues outside of marriage in the polyamory consciousness.
- NRE/falling in love with another - how should the mono treat the poly person if the mono wants to stay together?
- Guidelines for space, not being needy/clingy .
- What to do during panic attack when you're responsible for three children.
- Can lines be drawn by the mono and not crossed? What to do if P crosses the lines.
- Therapy-- can it help?
- Do modern therapists know about polyamory? Can they be effective in dealing if this is the lifestyle we are going to have? Ii.e. we're not looking to change back to both mono.)
- Meeting the poly partner's other partner
- If the mono person does not want to meet the poly person's other, and believes deep down there can never be a meeting, can this work? Has this been experienced? Did things turn out okay?
- The poly leaving the mono partner for another poly person. (Sound like a familiar fear.)
- Does the mono need to become poly too?
- Can a male mono, female poly, both hetero relationship work?
 
I will attempt to answer a few of your questions. Most are common to this forum and you will find your answers quickly, I think, if you look around a bit.

I'm not sure why your search engine is not working... weird.
oikord said:
- Safe sex vs. unprotected sex in polyamory.
- After testing for STDs, is it acceptable to have unprotected sex?
Click to expand...

Unprotected sex is called "fluid bonding," which really should only be achieved with the consent of all, and with the understanding that protection will be used with new people, or that everyone be "poly-fidelitous"-- not having sex with anyone outside of the tribe.

oikord said:
- What to do during panic attack when you're responsible for three children.
Click to expand...

What are you doing caring for the kids all the time? When does she care for them so that you can go out and do your thing? Is she available when away? Can you reach her and have her be there at a moment's notice? The idea is to achieve balance, not be an absent parent.

oikord said:
- Do modern therapists know about polyamory? Can they be effective in dealing, if this is the lifestyle we are going to have?
Click to expand...

Yes, there are poly-friendly therapists that will be able to address the issues you are having.

oikord said:
- Can male mono, female poly, both hetero work?
Click to expand...

Yes, it can, usually with more hard work than a poly/poly or mono/mono relationship.
 
redpepper said:
What are you doing caring for the kids all the time? When does she care for them so that you can go out and do your thing? Is she available when away? Can you reach her and have her be there at a moment's notice? The idea is to achieve balance, not be an absent parent.
Click to expand...

My thoughts exactly.
 
Thx for your insights. I just met Dave's SO, Delilah. (I was told she was his wife, but they're not married.) She really freaked me out. Doh! Dara told me last night that she was just having fun with Dave (fuck buddies) and I immediately felt better. But according to Delilah, he is "serious" about Dara.

Also, they have multiple STDs (not life threatening), and Dave's goal is to have Dara bare. Doh! I'm fixed, but he is not, and he has children with three women! Delilah said "they," Dara and Dave, are considering she get an IUD for this, so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs. Doh! I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid her needing an IUD or hormones, because it is so important to me to have no interference down there.

I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me, it is turning out that I will make all the compromises and get STDs if I want to stay with my wife.

I am STD free. I've only had one partner in my life so far.

Okay, I guess you call that venting. I think I'm in trouble.
 
oikord said:
Also they have multiple STDs (not life-threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare. Doh! I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs. Doh!

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry-- WHAT??? THEY have multiple STDs, and his goal is to "have your wife bare"??? WTF?

I would be running a million miles from this one. Does your wife know about this? Okay, she knows about the going bare bit. Does she know about all the STDs? Is she willing to go down this path, for the sake of being bare? I know I sure as hell wouldn't. And knowing someone would be happy to risk me getting ill just for the sake of having nothing in between... NO WAY!

If your wife knows about this and is happy to risk you as well, it's time for a big talk with your wife.

Big hugs to you. I can't imagine what this is doing to you.
 
FlameKat said:
I'm sorry-- WHAT??? THEY have multiple STD's and his goal is to "have your wife bare"??? WTF?

I would be running a million miles from this one. Does your wife know about this? Does she know about all the STDs? Is she willing to go down this path for the sake of being bare? I know I sure as hell wouldn't. And knowing someone would be happy to risk me getting ill just for the sake of "nothing in between"-- NO WAY!

If your wife knows about this and is happy to risk you as well, it's time for a big talk with your wife.

Big hugs to you. I can't imagine what this is doing to you.
Click to expand...

Ditto. Big ol' red flag for me on that one too.

STDs, life threatening or not, are your choice to engage with.

Kids too? Wow. Why does this feel like an alpha trying to mark his territory?

The cynic in me is reeling for you. Are either of these things on the table? Or are they waves being created by that side? What does your wife say? It sounds like you might be getting railroaded.
 
oikord said:
Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.
Click to expand...

This disgusts me to no end. I feel like puking right now, but I haven't eaten any solid food today, so I think I'll just go and dry-heave.

Are you sure you're serious? Or are you yanking our collective chain? You seem to be resigned to "getting multiple STDs." I guess it's your body. Who am I to tell you what you can do with it? :rolleyes:
 
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oikord said:
Thx for your insights. I just met his SO, Delilah, and she really freaked me out. Dara me last night that she was just having fun (fuck buddies) and I immediately felt better, but according to Delilah, he is 'serious' about my wife. Also they have multiple STDs, and his goal is to have Dara bare. Doh! I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.
Click to expand...

This whole post is almost too much to comprehend. How can any mature, mentally and emotionally balanced person engage in a sexual relationship of this nature knowingly expose themselves and their husband to this type of risk? Your wife needs a serious talk and read about the affects of NRE, because she is drowning in it.

Time to stand up and be heard, my friend. You've got two feet, put one down.
 
It did feel good to vent. Everything I said was truthful. I was hoping to leave personal details out, but I couldn't. I guess my wife is thinking there are less severe STDs. In this case it is G. Herpes and HPV. We have O. Herpes (who doesn't?) and it's really low statistically to have both. ABD says 80% of women have HPV. We are both clean of these right now and it would feel horrible if/when we got these.

There seems to be a plumbing problem when they use a condom (oh darn!) and they were seeking a solution. She is agreeing to stick with condoms for now, and I've promised to stay with her.

I was feeling anguish before, and you must have picked up on that. Wish me luck.
 
oikord said:
My wife is thinking there are less severe STDs. In this case it is G. Herpes and HPV. We have O. Herpes (who doesn't?) and it's really low statistically to have both. ABD says 80% of women have HPV. We are both clean of these right now and it would feel horrible if/when we got these. There seems to be a plumbing problem when they use a condom (oh darn!) and they were seeking a solution. She is agreeing to stick with condoms for now. I've promised to stay with her. I was feeling anguish before, and you must have picked up on that.
Click to expand...

No offence, but you are still playing with odds. Totally your choice, of course, but it is your right to avoid infection.

Plumbing problem with a condom is never an excuse.
 
Now that I can think straight ...

You can work around herpes to minimize the risk. Lots of people have healthy active sex lives and never seem to infect other people, because they are careful and don't ignore common sense when they are at risk.

Herpes G can be cured, so patience is key.

I don't know much about HPV.

All that being said, this couple seems very at risk for even worse infections, the kind that kill. Your wife has got to see reason in your concerns. You have children, right? How will they feel if their mommy and or daddy get AIDS?

If she goes ahead with this, perhaps you should insist on having completely safe sex with her. Or even better, find yourself a low-risk girlfriend and get those needs met elsewhere while she enjoys this couple.

Take care and be safe.
​
 
OMFG! Why knowingly expose yourselves to this? Numbers? Statistics? It will stay with you for life and, if you are responsible, you will have to disclose this to EVERY potential partner for the remainder of your lives. I would advise STRONGLY against this.
 
Just the words coming out of someone's mouth-- "STD"-- makes my pussy shut right down until I know for sure that I am completely safe.

I am really surprised that your partner is at all interested, not because of the STDs, but because of the attitude! Blowing it off like it's nothing. Saying that they want to go bare... Of all the gall! BAH! I'd be gone.

Some guys use it as a mark that they have slept with someone, but they usually don't tell the woman first. What on earth does she see in them?
 
oikord said:
... Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and ...
Click to expand...

I don't think I could handle those terms at all.

I'm the poly one in my dynamic. GG (boyfriend) is mono, for sure. Maca (husband) is on the fence for now.

But all of those risks are not reasonable at all.

I read your first post and thought immediately to tell you to go get the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy." It's not a poly book. It's the best self-help book I've ever read. I read it all the time. I read fast and I've been through hundreds of books. That book kicks ass.

My husband is reading it right now and talking about reading it a second time when he finishes, and he NEVER reads. He (like you said) has put off reading anything (self help or entertainment) that I've suggested for so long.

We've been married 12 years, known each other 20+ years. I told him last September I was poly and couldn't pretend to be a mono wife any more. Our world has been a hailstorm of emotions since. You can check out my blog (listed below in my signature) for some details. You can also check out his login and mine and see our various posts in order to get a picture. You can PM him, Maca. He's much in your shoes.

But I can guarantee, risks of pregnancy and STDs would be a no-go in our situation.

We have 4 kids and my godson, and there's no way we're having more. GG got a vasectomy, husband had one already, because we aren't going that road.

I fucked a lot of things up in my marriage trying to be something I wasn't (mono). But, in coming out poly, I've gotten a clear cut picture of how to truly respect my husband, and I guarantee you there is no respect if someone is willing to take such risks.

Babies are people. They deserve solid, functional and reliable families. It doesn't need to be a two-parent family per se (ours is a four-parent family, with my sister), but it does need to be stable. A new relationship like you describe isn't stable.

No one should risk spreading STDs. I have herpes. I would never consider taking a lover without knowing for certain that they already had it, or they were a forever lover.

Maca and GG don't have it. 17 years with GG, 12 (going on 13) with Maca, and they still test negative. But I take a fuck load of precautions and they are forever. Both were told upfront and we've always been careful.

If someone isn't willing to be that careful and that respectful of the person they want to have sex with, they don't need to be having sex.

That was my not very humble two cents. Sorry!
 
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