Thoughts and questions

[Bobby145]

So I have been in many monogamous relationships and my current partner has brought up the idea of having an open table or hinge poly relationship as I have always been very attracted to other people as well. I am struggling with whether I want to open our relationship to that or if I want to keep it with just us. Any advice or opinions or stories would be greatly appreciated! Also anyone who could message and talk about this would be much appreciated!

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome, Bobby. This thread is a good place to start:

Thread 'Most commonly cited advice articles master thread' https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

If you're considering being a hinge, then you'll need to learn skills like compartmentalization and making sure you give quality time and attention to each relationship so that your current partner doesn't end up pushed aside if you meet someone new. This is probably the biggest cause of contention and regret for newly opening couples.

And being aware that although right now it's being tabled for you becoming a hinge, it's quite possible that your current or new partners will want to have other new people in their lives, too. So there's every chance you may have to overcome jealousy within yourself.

If you open your current relationship, that relationship will change irrevocably, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the end. Well done on doing the research first, it will help cushion some inevitable blows.

 

[Magdlyn]

So I have been in many monogamous relationships and my current partner has brought up the idea of having an open table or hinge poly relationship

The saying is "kitchen table poly," meaning you date multiple people, and it's okay if your partners know each other and hang out together if they want to. And you might be friends with your partners' partners (your metamours) as well.

There isn't really such a thing as a "hinge poly relationship." If you're dating more than one person, say two people, you are in a V and you are the hinge between the two legs of the V. So, it's a V-shaped poly relationship.

as I have always been very attracted to other people as well. I am struggling with whether I want to open our relationship to that or if I want to keep it with just us. Any advice or opinions or stories would be greatly appreciated!

It sounds like both you and your current partner are interested in dating others while you stay together. So, you'd both be hinges in your own Vs.

 

[Bobbi]

I'd encourage you to learn a ton together before opening up. Being poly isn't as easy as just getting another partner. Read books: Opening Up, More Than Two, Polysecure, The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, etc. Listen to podcasts from the beginning: Making Polyamory Work, Multiamory. Learn and discuss.

Read through the forums here to see common issues. Read through blogs of people's stories, find ones where people are starting out. Ask questions like you are doing. You cannot be over-prepared.

Most successful couples research a year before actually doing it, and once you do, the work starts, because everything you thought you knew will become foreign.

(If you reply to a thread, please look at the posting date and the last time the person you are responding to has logged in. We don't like threads from the past haunting us, with people who aren't here any more. If it inspires you, then post a new thought or question instead.)

 

[ref2018]

(If you reply to a thread, please look at the posting date and the last time the person you are responding to has logged in. We don't like threads from the past haunting us, with people who aren't here any more. If it inspires you, then post a new thought or question instead.)

Although there is no rule against replying to an older thread, there is a difference between replying to a specific person who is no longer active about a situation that happened years ago and reviving an existing topic for the sake of exchanging ideas.

If you start a new thread as a spin-off or continuation of an existing one (regardless how old or new it is), please link to the original one in the first post for context.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Bobby145,

Open/poly is not for everyone, but those who try it usually find it to be worth the work they put into it. Exclusive monogamy is strongly preached throughout our culture, everything from parents to movies asserts that monogamy is the only healthy way to live. You have to fight that monogamous conditioning if you want to try open/poly. And even then, you might find that open/poly is not for you, although you did say that you have always been attracted to other people as well.

DM me if you want to talk in private.
Kevin T.