Threesome but I fell asleep and they had sex again without me.

[Needingadvice]

Hi, I’m new here. My fiance (male) and I (female) had a threesome. I made a clear boundary that he does not do anything with her without me and that he only cums inside me.

We had gone out to dinner and drank a lot. It was about 5 am when we started the threesome. He got a headache and did not finish, I did not finish and we thought she didn’t either (later he finds out she did). Anyway, I fell asleep. I guess they stayed awake.

He threw up and then she was throwing up. They got back into bed and were cuddling and then they had sex without me. He didn’t wake me up. I was so tired and didn’t wake up to them having sex on their own either. He came inside her and she came again.

I feel so betrayed and upset. I feel as though there is something wrong with me. I feel so many things and he is mad at me for feeling anything. He apologized, but wants me to move past this, and it’s only been 2 days since I found out what happened.

Any advice on this situation? How can I move past this?

 

[Evie]

You move past it by deciding to. Mistakes were made, by everyone including you. Those mistakes probably started with that much alcohol. So you set boundaries around your own self about how much you will drink and how much you will engage with other people, sexually, when you do drink. Hopefully your boundaries will align with your fiance's boundaries, but if they don't, then you'll have discovered a fundamental incompatibility BEFORE marriage, which is a good time to do it.

I think you may have gotten confused between boundaries and rules. Boundaries are personal, they are where you draw the line about how you allow yourself to be treated, and only you can honour them by walking away if you are treated badly. Do you feel you've been treated badly enough to walk away? No? then decide to move past it and let it go. Don't use it as ammo sometime in the future.

On the other hand, rules are things you try to impose upon other people ("don't do anything without me, only cum inside me"). Drunk people don't tend to care about rules too much, especially ones that don't serve them. If this was truly your boundary, then you honour it by walking away. If you're not ready to do that, then it wasn't actually a boundary, it was just an attempt to control the uncontrollable. So you recognise the folly in that, and you decide to move past it. And you expect it to happen again, because why wouldn't it? Drunken sex is uncontrollable sex. Alcohol lowers inhibitions after all.

So, get over it, or walk away. Both are a decision.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Needingadvice,

It sounds like they had sex without your consent, you did not agree to them having sex without you, you strictly agreed to threesome sex. Plus he came inside her, so a double violation of what you had agreed to. Do not let him get away with this, tell him he has wronged you by violating your consent, and do not marry him. I know you do not want to break up with him, he is perfect for you in every way except this one little thing, only it is not so little. There is nothing wrong with you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

Welcome to polyamory.com. This is a discussion board for people who desire to love multiple people at once, with the informed consent of all involved. What you did was have a casual drunken threesome sex scene. While it was at least somewhat consensual, it was not polyamory. It was under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, or at least, you and your fiance and this woman all agreed while drunk to do it. No one was coerced (I hope).

Since many people confuse polyamory with other forms of non-monogamy (group sex, swinging, hot-wifing, cuckoldry, etc.) I'll allow this thread to stay in this section, for educational purposes.

Evie gave excellent information and advice for your specific situation. Having very drunken sex skirts on the edge of non-consensual sex, since people are not of clear mind, and can and do make mistakes. That is what happened here.

If you plan to forgive him, remember, all three of you were extremely drunk and the whole event was sloppy. The only real concern is, did they properly use a condom, or does everyone needs to be tested for STDs, and maybe the other woman to be tested for pregnancy?

If you really want to keep engaging in group sex with your fiance after this inauspicious attempt, do it with clear minds. Also, if you two are in the habit of getting so very drunk, that might be a problem in itself.

Good luck!

 

[GalaGirl]

Please see a clinic for a new round of STI labs, take Plan B, etc. The last thing you need from this encounter, especially when you are still reeling emotionally and mentally from the encounter, is an unplanned pregnancy, since he wasn't using condoms with you or her, from the sound of it, .

I’m new here. My fiance (male) and I (female) had a threesome. I made a clear boundary that he does not do anything with her without me and that he only cums inside me.

If that's your personal boundary, and/or some kind of shared agreement you and he made, how do you plan to enforce it, now that he's crossed the line? Are you dumping both of them? I hope so.

We had gone out to dinner and drank a lot. It was about 5 am when we started the threesome.

Drunk people cannot give clear consent. You all could have stayed sober, or postponed the threesome until another time, when everyone could show up sober and actually give informed consent.

He got a headache, and did not finish. I did not finish. We thought she didn’t either (later he finds out she did). Anyway, I fell asleep. I guess they stayed awake.

This is not about "finishing," i.e., orgasms. This is about CONSENT.

They got back into bed and were cuddling and then they had sex without me. He didn’t wake me up. I was so tired and didn’t wake up to them having sex on their own either. He came inside her and she came again.

This is a violation of consent. You did not agree to sleep next to people fucking. You are very vulnerable when sleeping, more so when also drunk.

(And were you JUST tired/drunk, or were you roofied? I hate to think it, but hey... wild things happen.)

I feel so betrayed and upset. I feel as though there is something wrong with me. I feel so many things and he is mad at me for feeling anything. He apologized, but wants me to move past this. It’s only been 2 days since I found out what happened.

You agreed to ONE threesome encounter. You did not agree to MORE things.

Dude violated your consent and chose to fuck her right next to you while you were sleeping, after she'd puked, as did he.

Do you admire someone who thinks with his dick, even when drunk, sick and puking?

Was she doing sloppy, drunk, pukey sex, or being raped? Could she consent? Nope, because she was drunk. Could she wake you for help? Nope, because you'd passed out.

In doing so, Dude ALSO crossed your personal boundary, and/or didn't keep the shared agreement about no sharing sex with her without your involvement, and not ejaculating in her. He could have told you, "No, I don't agree to that" from the start. But he made an agreement, and then did not keep it, or he lied about his intentions. Neither is great.

Then Dude finds your upset feelings afterward INCONVENIENT? And he wants you to be "over it" two days later?

This is NOT a nice or safe person.

I'm disturbed just reading all this, so I can only imagine how disturbed you feel.

I feel so betrayed and upset. I feel as though there is something wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with YOU. Your consent was violated. You are having the normal upset feelings that happen when you are faced with "How could someone I love and trust behave like THIS?"

This IS betrayal. This IS upsetting. And he's minimizing your upset/dismissing your upset, which piles MORE upset on.

Any advice on this situation? How can I move past this?

You call it a dealbreaker and dump Dude. Do not marry him. It's good you figured out he's like this now, BEFORE you married him. Consider it a bullet dodged.

That is how you start to heal from it and move past it. You get rid of Dude. And from this point on, you resolve to be SOBER when you consent to share sex with people 1:1 or in group sex. Don't put yourself in unsafe situations like that. They could have robbed you or harmed you when you were that dead asleep.

You didn't come out of that encounter safe and unscathed. You got various emotional health and mental health dings, minimum.

You also learn to make more realistic agreements, to focus on CONSENT, and practicing safer sex practices by using condoms, and focus less on "finishing" with orgasms and where semen goes or not. You learn more about safer sex, what is and is not a healthy relationship, what is and is not dating violence, etc.

If this is preying on your mind, you talk to a warm line, a hot line, and/or a counselor about what happened.

This was not ok.

Galagirl