Throuple Advice for Newbies

psychotomato

New member
This is gonna be a long post, tl;dr at the end.
About us: me (23 F, bisexual), S (24 F, hetero), J (24 M, hetero)

Back in September I moved to a new apartment with 3 friends, two of whom (J and S) are a long-term couple (almost 4 years).
J and I came very close to engaging sexually a few times, even though S and J were in a closed monogamous relationship. we spoke to S openly about this and she was very upset, almost to the point of them breaking up. J was trying to persuade S and I to try and become a throuple, but S and I had only known each other for a few months at that point under these circumstances she and I had no interest in that whatsoever.

A few months had past, S and I had become much closer than we initially were (partially, I believe, because of the nature of our complex situation).
in the last month or so we've become emotionally intimate and have developed a great deal of trust. Despite all of what I've mentioned above, one thing led to the other and all three of us have had two sexual encounters and are currently talking about possibly becoming a poly relationship.

Current overview of imbalances (from my point of view, at least):
- S and I became very close in a friendly way, and I'm not yet certain it is or should be romantic/sexual.
- My friendship with J took a great hit from all I've mentioned above.
- S feels insecure about me and J being sexual and intimate.
- S has no experience with women and doesn't consider herself sapphic.
- S and J have been together for 4 years, and while I've known them for quite some time, I do feel left out at times.

Do you think it is possible to somehow overcome those obstacles? I would say that objectively we could make a really nice throuple, it's our history that makes it problematic.


tl;dr:
When trying to start a closed poly relationship -
1) How can you get rid of couple privilege?
2) What can I do to make our straight female partner more comfortable with her first time woman-on-woman action?
3) What would you say are the key guidelines to follow when trying to start a three-person relationship?
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Hi, welcome.

Okay, what's happening here is that your straight friend feels pressured to engage in sexual activity with you that she doesn't want in order to not be abandoned or betrayed by her partner. That's why she is reluctantly trying to do this poly thing because it seems like a way to take her boyfriend's straying eye.

When you're a woman, or you want to be part of supporting gender equality, you gotta be aware of power dynamics between the genders. While on one hand, this might appear like you're all adults who are making choices which are based on all the good things like autonomy, liberty and self realization, you get to understand that none of us are making choices in that sort of utopian vacuum and sometimes, as the oppressed gender, we have to look out for each other and make these calls for each other.

Sure, I could be making the wrong call here and the other woman involved in this is making these choices from a place of power, but do you want to take that risk knowing you could be having sex with someone under extremely coerced circumstances? That she could learn to fake it in a way that deceives your better honed instincts (and perhaps better character)?

I'd stop. There are other people.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
This sounds like a mess. There are 4 roomies in this home. You said you didn't even know S until moving in. Was J your friend? Or is the unnamed roomie the main friend and these two were just the other roomies already there in the home?

After the almost cheating mess? I don't know why you would agree to share threesome sex with 2 of your roomies. Like why ADD to the complications rather than REDUCE them? There are plenty of people to date in the world without going right for the messy ones.

If you are bi and up for dating couples, you are a unicorn. You could have your pick of couples. What's so great about THIS couple? Why even bother when there's so many other people in the world to date without all this baggage attached?

What happens if this goes wahoonie? Can you afford to move out to a flat on your own after recent moving in expenses in Sept? Will you have to be living with people looking daggers at you all the time?

I think you are playing with fire. I suggest you let this idea go entirely and STOP. Or at least move out first before you try to poly date them.

That way if it goes wahoonie again? You only have to deal with break up stuff. Not break up stuff AND having to find a new flat in pandemic. Or break up stuff and having to live with people who you greatly dislike/they dislike you. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

A triad is one of the hardest poly models. Why start there?

S is not into women. Group sex is not a poly requirement. It could be where you just both date J. Be a V instead of a triad.

And what's so great about J? He almost cheated on S with you. If you guys continue... what makes him more able to keep his poly agreements and not cheat on you and S? Cuz poly isn't magic. People can still cheat on poly agreements.

So tread with caution if you still want to keep going down this road rather than pulling the plug. At minimum reduce some of the variables -- like moving out first before dating them.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello psychotomato,

You want to start a closed poly throuple, this will be S's first experience with a woman. You need to sit down with S and J, and explain to them that they need to get rid of couple privilege. They have been together for almost four years, which gives them an advantage over you and makes you feel left out. They need to spend extra time with you so that you will feel included.

S needs to feel more comfortable with her first time of woman-on-woman action. Possibly it might help to explain to her that bisexuality is a natural thing, perhaps extra natural for women due to their extra attractiveness. Once S understands this concept, she will perhaps be more open to her bisexual side.

The key guidelines when starting a three-person relationship, are, to do lots of communicating. Never assume, always get/give confirmation. Another key guideline is to spend time with each other as dyads, not always as a triad. You need to nurture the individual relationships inside the composite relationship.

I also get the feeling that S has jealousy issues with respect to you and J being sexual and intimate. S needs to overcome her jealousy. There are many ways to do this, I have a list of jealousy links if you're interested. Let me know.

Note that you and J are not required to become sexually intimate with each other. You are not required to form a throuple. You could form a V, that would not necessarily be lopsided. I am in a V myself (MFM); the three of us get along well.

Any further help I could be, let me know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Hello psychotomato,

You want to start a closed poly throuple, this will be S's first experience with a woman. You need to sit down with S and J, and explain to them that they need to get rid of couple privilege. They have been together for almost four years, which gives them an advantage over you and makes you feel left out. They need to spend extra time with you so that you will feel included.

S needs to feel more comfortable with her first time of woman-on-woman action. Possibly it might help to explain to her that bisexuality is a natural thing, perhaps extra natural for women due to their extra attractiveness. Once S understands this concept, she will perhaps be more open to her bisexual side.

The key guidelines when starting a three-person relationship, are, to do lots of communicating. Never assume, always get/give confirmation. Another key guideline is to spend time with each other as dyads, not always as a triad. You need to nurture the individual relationships inside the composite relationship.

I also get the feeling that S has jealousy issues with respect to you and J being sexual and intimate. S needs to overcome her jealousy. There are many ways to do this, I have a list of jealousy links if you're interested. Let me know.

Note that you and J are not required to become sexually intimate with each other. You are not required to form a throuple. You could form a V, that would not necessarily be lopsided. I am in a V myself (MFM); the three of us get along well.

Any further help I could be, let me know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Some of what you have said here Kevin is really worrying as it is promotes coercive rape. Especially what you said about bisexuality being more "natural" for women. I think it is really scary for you to believe such things.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hello psychotomato,

You want to start a closed poly throuple,


Throuple is stupid titillating mainstream media term. The preferred term in poly circles is triad. Also, I didn't see the OP say that she wants to be closed. She just wants to bang her roommate, and he and she almost did fuck, behind his gf's back, a woman he has been with for 4 years. This is a cheating behavior. I assume they did make out and fool around behind the gf's back.
this will be S's first experience with a woman. You need to sit down with S and J, and explain to them that they need to get rid of couple privilege. They have been together for almost four years, which gives them an advantage over you and makes you feel left out. They need to spend extra time with you so that you will feel included.

Sigh. Kevin, no one "needs" to do anything. This couple does not "need" to "get rid of couple privilege" and spend more time with the OP in a romantic configuration. The gf was blindsided by her bf almost cheating on her. Trust was blasted. She's straight. She has no desire to fuck another woman. I'm sorry, but this is terrible advice.
S needs to feel more comfortable with her first time of woman-on-woman action. Possibly it might help to explain to her that bisexuality is a natural thing, perhaps extra natural for women due to their extra attractiveness. Once S understands this concept, she will perhaps be more open to her bisexual side.

What the hell? This is ridiculous. Men are just as attractive as women. Female bisexuality is more permissible in our patriarchal society because men in power find it sexy and unthreatening.
The key guidelines when starting a three-person relationship, are, to do lots of communicating. Never assume, always get/give confirmation. Another key guideline is to spend time with each other as dyads, not always as a triad. You need to nurture the individual relationships inside the composite relationship.

Again, while this is true, no one here "needs" to pressure anyone else to get a straight woman, whom you ASSume is a closeted bi woman, to be romantic with another woman, or to fuck her.
I also get the feeling that S has jealousy issues with respect to you and J being sexual and intimate. S needs to overcome her jealousy. There are many ways to do this, I have a list of jealousy links if you're interested. Let me know.

Stop. S was cheated upon. Of course she's upset. Jealousy may not be the correct term.
Note that you and J are not required to become sexually intimate with each other. You are not required to form a throuple. You could form a V, that would not necessarily be lopsided. I am in a V myself (MFM); the three of us get along well.

Finally. Yes, no one is required to form a triad here. Straight women do not form triads.
Any further help I could be, let me know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Rethink what you are saying. That would be helpful.
 

icesong

Active member
I don't think that Kevin was necessarily encouraging Tomato or her potential partner Jicama (I just can't do initials and keep people straight) to coerce Squash into triad or bisexuality, just pointing out the things that would need to happen in order for them to even consider the arrangement that they're talking about. I do think that the idea that women are more attractive and that bisexuality is easier is horseshit.

(If women are considered more attractive it's only because culturally we're all programmed for the predominant male gaze, women's faces and bodies are used to sell EVERYTHING and so it's no wonder that it's pretty easy as a woman to get confused as to whether one wants to BE a particular woman or wants to be WITH a particular woman. But I digress.)

I am curious how the sexual encounters between the three of you that you mention went, though, as depending on what happened I don't think it'd necessarily be true to say that Squash has NO experience with women after those. Was it just you and Squash playing with Jicama and not really interacting with each other, or a more fluid situation? And what was the vibe like? If you played directly did she seem like she was into it or just going along with the idea? Did she seem to be bothered by your interactions with Jicama? I've had *ahem* a lot of different thressomes and the vibe can be WILDLY different depending on the relationships between people... and unlike @SEASONEDpolyAgain I don't really find that I or the people I'm with can lie with their bodies, not completely.

All that said, I 100% agree with @GalaGirl and @SEASONEDpolyAgain that getting involved with them, right now while you're living together, is a dynamite keg waiting to blow up.
 

psychotomato

New member
Hey.
Just to clarify a few things:
1) All four of us roommates went to highschool together, so we were all acquainted at the very least. J and I have been close friends for the past 5 years. S and I did know each other beforehand, we simply weren't friends.
2) J and I halted all sexual and intimate contact once we felt things were getting out of hand. It was a silent agreement that S and J's relationship is more important than whatever sexual urges and emotions we had.
3) I care about S a lot. I want her to be comfortable and I want to follow her boundaries.
4) This started after both J and I felt like things were clearing up between us.
5) The sexual encounters were lead by S and I. I think J feels a little awkward about the whole situation, if we're being totally honest 😅
6) I'm not gonna be moving out anytime soon.

while I understand your concerns (I brought this up because I have some of my own), it's important to understand all three of us expressed interest in this arrangement. Please try to respect that, as all three of us are reading your comments.

Thanks!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
In that case, I'd stop messing around with both of your roommates and allow them some space. It's generally recommended that a formerly Closed partnership be respected and given a good year or more to investigate the way that Open relationships work, gaining an understanding of common issues such as NRE, couple privilege, jealousy, envy, displacement, sharing of time and resources, etc., etc.

It sounds like J is not in favor of being in the room while you and S have sex. And he's possiblu cooling off to you and the whole idea of having sex with a roommate, in general. If either of your roommates want specific advice, they are free to start their own accounts as well. :)
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Hey.
Just to clarify a few things:
1) All four of us roommates went to highschool together, so we were all acquainted at the very least. J and I have been close friends for the past 5 years. S and I did know each other beforehand, we simply weren't friends.
2) J and I halted all sexual and intimate contact once we felt things were getting out of hand. It was a silent agreement that S and J's relationship is more important than whatever sexual urges and emotions we had.
3) I care about S a lot. I want her to be comfortable and I want to follow her boundaries.
4) This started after both J and I felt like things were clearing up between us.
5) The sexual encounters were lead by S and I. I think J feels a little awkward about the whole situation, if we're being totally honest 😅
6) I'm not gonna be moving out anytime soon.

while I understand your concerns (I brought this up because I have some of my own), it's important to understand all three of us expressed interest in this arrangement. Please try to respect that, as all three of us are reading your comments.

Thanks!

She likely pretended to be into you because you were trying to fuck her boyfriend behind her back. Not because she wants to have sex with you.
 

Inaniel

Member
tl;dr:
When trying to start a closed poly relationship -
1) How can you get rid of couple privilege?
2) What can I do to make our straight female partner more comfortable with her first time woman-on-woman action?
3) What would you say are the key guidelines to follow when trying to start a three-person relationship?

I think the harsh responses are a result your original post coming off as somewhat predatory.

1. J either cheated or almost cheated on S with you but decided pump the breaks.
2. Now your trying to have sex with J via S because it "feels" more legitimate and transparent.
3. Now that you have successfully infiltrated the J&S relationship, are asking for advice on how to rid them of couples privilege.

What's next?? Asking us how you "get rid" of S?

This all serves to make you appear as though you are playing puppet master. Perhaps I have it all wrong, that is a possibility. Or perhaps you are blinded by NRE and losing self-awareness in this regard, in which case try to look at the responses in this thread as a reality check.

Consider the following:

When poly is coerced, convinced, or incentivized by an outside party; it tends to be the result of cheating, after which the offender attempt to legitimize the continuation of the original affair. Those who frequent the forum notice this behavior often and your situation is falling squarely into this category.

Please consider reading about the idea of "incentive caused bias" although it is referred to in texts about business, it relates to human behavior in general all the same, and is likely relevant in your situation. This seemingly systematic breakdown of S's world may be causing ongoing emotional distress and confusion. Her desire to maintain a relationship with J might be incentivizing her to sexually consent to you because she consciously or subconsciously feels like it necessary to keep J happy. J could possibly be aloof as you suggest, or he could be playing her as hard as you are.. He could be playing you both, pulling his own strings in private conversations with each of you... Lots of possibilities here.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for more info. Is there where it is now? I have trouble if things are not in chronological order. I make it blue just to visually block it off.

You moved in with three roomies in Sept 2020.
  • You went to HS with all 4 of these people.
  • J and S have been a couple for almost 4 years.
  • While you were not friends with S back in HS, you at least knew each other.
  • 4th roomie has no initial yet, I will call them "R" for Roomie.
You and J got too close.
  • You and J halted all sexual and intimate contact once you both felt things were getting out of hand.
  • It was a silent agreement between you and J that S and J's relationship is more important than whatever sexual urges and emotions you both had.
  • When you both came clean, S almost broke up with J
  • J suggested forming a triad but neither you nor S were ready then.
  • Your friendship with J took a great hit from all the things mentioned above.

Over the last few months, you and S became very close in a friendly way
  • You care about S a lot.
  • You want her to be comfortable and you want to follow her boundaries.
  • You are not yet certain it is or should be romantic/sexual between you and S.
  • S feels insecure about you and J being sexual and intimate.
  • S has no experience with women and doesn't consider herself sapphic.

You, S, and J started sharing groups sex.
  • This started after both J and you felt like things were clearing up between you and J.
  • The sexual encounters were lead by S and you.
  • You think J feels a little awkward about the whole situation, if you are being totally honest

S and J have been together for 4 years, and while you've known them for quite some time, you do feel left out at times.

You don't plan on moving out any time soon.



After all this, you three are trying to do poly together and you all agree and consent to trying a triad.

Is that true? Have you three explicitly talked about this and joyfully consent to this? It's not like people trying to "make" the other two happy or just "going along with it" to keep the peace or something weird like that?

Group sex is not a requirement for triads. If J is uncomfortable, you all could stop sharing group sex.

Could focus on being a "V" with J as the hinge who dates both you and S and shares sex with both you and S but not like group sex.

When that is stable, could see if something more than friendship can exist between you a S, but don't expect it and go slow. Because she's not into women and you can't force that if she's just not into that. Like "working towards" triad but slowing your roll some.

It's been a LOT of changes in a few months.

1) How can you get rid of couple privilege?

Even though it might affect you in this new closed V/triad thing? You aren't the one who has to do the work. They have to do the work if they want to get rid of couple privilege.

You could all talk about it. And on your end? You are the new person in the group. It can be "working toward coprimary" if that's the open model you are all trying to do.

But on your end know it won't be instant changes. They have developed over 4 years. You just got here a few months ago. So if he has her in his will? You can't expect him to run right out and put you on it too. YKWIM? You and J haven't clocked the time together for that yet.

2) What can I do to make our straight female partner more comfortable with her first time woman-on-woman action?

Not pressure her and not expect it. Could tell her you are up for trying, but leave it up to her.

She may never want it at all. Or she might want to explore that connection with a different woman than you. Then what?

3) What would you say are the key guidelines to follow when trying to start a three-person relationship?

Slow down some. Do some reading and do a lot of talking. These might help to start.




There are other sites out there.

Def everyone using birth control.

Def everyone agrees not to involve the 4th roomie. Things are challenging enough as it is!

Talk about how this will end (if it has to end) so things can be as peaceful as possible. It doesn't always go back to "original couple and original single person." Sometimes people pair off different or it winds up everyone single even if the initial hope was everyone together.

So tread with caution.

Galagirl
 
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