Time Management

[azurebonds]

The context of this post is for hinges, but any are welcome, especially if you are in a vee.

How do you manage time between your partners? What is fair for each? I suppose, it’s likely individual.

Do you have sleeping schedules? Are schedules even needed?

I am in a LDR with Dawn and a marriage of about 15 years, 20 together, with Jess.

Dawn is feeling the pressure of the LDR more than I am because my day is largely filled; however, I want her to feel appreciated and to have our daily chat at night.

Jess wants a sleeping schedule and to have specific days/times to do things with her or Dawn.

Both, as far as I can tell, want to avoid any pressure to hang out together or talk because it’ll feel forced.

I am good with routines, but forcing me to divide up my day feels a bit unnatural for me as I tend to float around and do things.

I am sure that this is a common challenge, but it’s rearing its head for me now. I am looking for insight.

 

[Tinwen]

What's the needs conflict right now? Is it that you spend every night before sleep chatting with Dawn, so Jess is not getting any evenings with you at all? I can see how that would be upsetting.

By sleep schedule, do you mean dividing whose night is whose, or do you mean matching bedtime?

 

[Evie]

Of course Jess wants her own dates with you! And so will Dawn when she's living there. You don't just get to float between them all the time because that will create uncertainty. Either of them may also have hobbies that get them out of the house of a day/evening and these need to be taken into consideration.

I see Nevyn between after work and bedtime on Wednesdays. I tend to drop him home between 8 and 9 pm because we don't live together.

Then we spend Friday from after work until Saturday evening whenever we feel like together, although usually we'll call it a day around 4 pm and I'll drop him home. Since I have a car, he leaves his car for his wife while he's out.

We text the rest of the week.

Next year, when I'm hoping to live with Adam again, this is a sustainable schedule.

Sure, you are all living sort of together in a split level, but it's not hugely different to work out who you're spending the evening/night with uninterrupted. It also shouldn't be difficult. Pick a time of the evening when you commit to being with either Jess or Dawn, and stay there for the rest of the night.

 

[Tinwen]

To contradict a bit, it doesn't have to be a full-on weekly schedule. Idealist is NOT good with routines, so unless we are going out, we only have plans on for very short term, as-need basis. It took some getting used to and isn't always ideal, but given our fluctuation in energy levels it's probably more doable than a fixed schedule.
You have to balance needs of all with trial and error. Maybe it's enough for the ladies to set up a date night in the afternoon, maybe they need to plan a week in advance. That will depend on circumstances.

 

[LaminarFlow]

What's your routine right now? When are your specific dates with Jess? Perhaps you could start having some more ME-time "away" from Jess, and transfer that into Dawn-time when she moves in, so the transition will be less overwhelming.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello azurebonds,

My V has a group calendar, we can all post on it, although our hinge (Snowbunny) does the most posting, and of course, we can all view it at any time. This is pretty much the extent of our time management. We don't carefully calibrate the time spent by Snowbunny with me, versus the time spent by Snowbunny with my metamour (Brother-Husband), we don't try that hard to make those things exactly equal. We've been together as a V since 2006, and by now we're not too hung up on who gets what.

I have a small bed, and sleep by myself (with just my cat) every night. Brother-Husband and Snowbunny have a large bed and sleep together (with the two dogs). This arrangement suits us. None of us has much interest in sex nowadays, perhaps because we're getting older, I don't know. But it's one less thing to coordinate.

You are more in the beginning of your V, so it makes sense that more careful coordination is needed. As the hinge, it falls upon you to work out equal time allotments with Dawn and Jess. Maybe not even equal, but amounts that are satisfactory for each individual. I don't expect this to be easy. It will require a lot of good communication.

It sounds like Jess and Dawn are both inclined to have a parallel poly setup with you. Kitchen table poly is certainly more convenient for the hinge, but kitchen table isn't what's being asked of you. Unless that's a deal breaker for you, it falls upon you to prioritize your partners' wishes. Being a hinge is a huge responsibility.

Just curious, how much longer do you think you and Dawn will be long-distance? Long distance is almost always a heavy complication, for any relationship, mono or nonmono. I recommend working out a plan for when and how to eliminate the long-distance factor.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[azurebonds]

What's the needs conflict right now? Is it that you spend every night before sleep chatting with Dawn, so Jess is not getting any evenings with you at all? I can see how that would be upsetting.

By sleep schedule, do you mean dividing whose night is whose, or do you mean matching bedtime?

Well, Jess is usually gaming after our daughter goes to bed, so I have been talking with Dawn then because I have the time.

I guess the added attention to Dawn is making Jess conscious of how much time she has with me, and she wants to spend more time together. This is fine by me, but Dawn and I have limited 1-on-1 time due to the LDR, so reducing that further is draining on the two of us.

I can see these kinds of things coming up, so I posted.

The schedule would be for where I sleep.

 

[Evie]

Then Dawn also needs to have some gaming free nights... So if it's a comfort in any way, it's not just you that will be giving up something in order to gain that couple time together.

Sleeping schedule shouldn't be too hard, really. Ask them if they want night about or some consecutive time and make it work. We had a member who used to do 4-3-3-4 as a rotation so someone didn't always get the weekend.

 

[azurebonds]

What's your routine right now? When are your specific dates with Jess? Perhaps you could start having some more ME-time "away" from Jess, and transfer that into Dawn-time when she moves in, so the transition will be less overwhelming.

That’s what I was thinking, using my break time with Dawn.

If Jess and I go somewhere, it’s usually on the weekends because at nighttime, after my daughter is asleep, we have our me-time. Currently, she uses hers for mmos and I use mine with Dawn.

 

[azurebonds]

Hello azurebonds,

My V has a group calendar, we can all post on it, although our hinge (Snowbunny) does the most posting, and of course, we can all view it at any time. This is pretty much the extent of our time management. We don't carefully calibrate the time spent by Snowbunny with me, versus the time spent by Snowbunny with my metamour (Brother-Husband), we don't try that hard to make those things exactly equal. We've been together as a V since 2006, and by now we're not too hung up on who gets what.

I have a small bed, and sleep by myself (with just my cat) every night. Brother-Husband and Snowbunny have a large bed and sleep together (with the two dogs). This arrangement suits us. None of us has much interest in sex nowadays, perhaps because we're getting older, I don't know. But it's one less thing to coordinate.

You are more in the beginning of your V, so it makes sense that more careful coordination is needed. As the hinge, it falls upon you to work out equal time allotments with Dawn and Jess. Maybe not even equal, but amounts that are satisfactory for each individual. I don't expect this to be easy. It will require a lot of good communication.

It sounds like Jess and Dawn are both inclined to have a parallel poly setup with you. Kitchen table poly is certainly more convenient for the hinge, but kitchen table isn't what's being asked of you. Unless that's a deal breaker for you, it falls upon you to prioritize your partners' wishes. Being a hinge is a huge responsibility.

Just curious, how much longer do you think you and Dawn will be long-distance? Long distance is almost always a heavy complication, for any relationship, mono or nonmono. I recommend working out a plan for when and how to eliminate the long-distance factor.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

Yeah, parallel poly is likely to be the initial setup. I would love KT, but I don’t see it happening for a while. It’s not a dealbreaker, though.

Dawn and I should be in a LDR for another 3 to 4 months. She’ll then move into the apartment, which I am working on preparing.

 

[LaminarFlow]

That’s what I was thinking, using my break time with Dawn.

If Jess and I go somewhere, it’s usually on the weekends because at nighttime, after my daughter is asleep, we have our me-time. Currently, she uses hers for mmos and I use mine with Dawn.

Will Jess keep getting the full weekend or will there be flexibility? Maybe it would be a good idea to start sleeping separately, one or two nights a week, so you can slowly get used to it? Or will overnights be off the table for the first few weeks, and you'll be just doing a few-hour dates only when Dawn first moves in?

 

[Bobbi]

Dawn is feeling the pressure of the LDR more than I am because my day is largely filled; however, I want her to feel appreciated and to have our daily chat at night.

after my daughter is asleep, we have our me-time. Currently, she uses hers for mmos and I use mine with Dawn.

So it seems this works for you. Dawn needs to learn to fill her alone time. It's not healthy to focus on you and expect you to fill it. This creates codependency and is monogamy programming. Encourage her to become comfortable being alone, finding hobbies or dating others to satisfy her extra time. Putting that on you is not good and will lead to problems down the road. You need strong boundaries in this regard.

Jess wants a sleeping schedule and to have specific days/times to do things with her or Dawn.

Is this future planning? I thought this was LD, so I'm confused why you're asking if you can sleep with either of them to the point of there being specific days.

That being said, that's what I do. Tues, Fri, and Sun I'm with Michael, and the rest I'm with Louis.

Are schedules even needed?

For me they are. I don't do well living in limbo. I cannot plan my life and having no schedule brings a ton of anxiety to my body. We are flexible if needed, and can swap days to accommodate life happening, but we know which days are planned.

I am good with routines, but forcing me to divide up my day feels a bit unnatural for me, as I tend to float around and do things

You have a work schedule... why not a quality-time schedule? I wouldn't schedule non-quality time. Texts can happen organically, as can phone calls. But planned quality time, dates, time where phones are put away and you focus on the person you are with, can easily be planned. And don't do them daily if that's too much. Like now, you have me-time in the evenings where you text with Dawn. Don't schedule that. It stays open as me-time to do what you wish. You may text Dawn or do something else.

If you have the flexibility to sleep with either, then choose your schedule and make it happen. And pick at least one day per week each where you have dedicated quality time and a date. It's not that you can't have quality time outside of that time, but that time is always dedicated, no matter what, and each person gets the same.

 

[Evie]

Is this future planning? I thought this was LD, so I'm confused why you're asking if you can sleep with either of them to the point of there being specific days.

I would say that's a yes, since Jess is moving in to the downstairs apartment... I think four months is the current timeline, moved up from April.

I personally like consecutive days sometimes so if it were me I'd be tabling a 2-1-1-2-2-1 style schedule. Not too long away from anyone, but two days in a row, especially when there's a non work day in between, is really nice.

 

[azurebonds]

Will Jess keep getting the full weekend or will there be flexibility? Maybe it would be a good idea to start sleeping separately, one or two nights a week, so you can slowly get used to it? Or will overnights be off the table for the first few weeks, and you'll be just doing a few-hour dates only when Dawn first moves in?

Dawn’s taking over the bottom apartment. Jess retains the top two floors. I float between both, but have my office as my personal space.

I think that weekends are going to be half dedicated to my daughter and half to each of them.

I might alternate DJDJD and JDJDJ for the weekdays.

Of course if one of them wants to do something else they can.

I might be exiled to the couch anyway if I don’t get my snoring under control. lol I believe Dawn described it as “malevolent.”

 

[azurebonds]

So it seems this works for you. Dawn needs to learn to fill her alone time. It's not healthy to focus on you and expect you to fill it. This creates codependency and is monogamy programming. Encourage her to become comfortable being alone, finding hobbies or dating others to satisfy her extra time. Putting that on you is not good and will lead to problems down the road. You need strong boundaries in this regard.


Is this future planning? I thought this was LD, so I'm confused why you're asking if you can sleep with either of them to the point of there being specific days.

That being said, that's what I do. Tues, Fri, and Sun I'm with Michael, and the rest I'm with Louis.


For me they are. I don't do well living in limbo. I cannot plan my life and having no schedule brings a ton of anxiety to my body. We are flexible if needed, and can swap days to accommodate life happening, but we know which days are planned.

You have a work schedule... why not a quality-time schedule? I wouldn't schedule non-quality time. Texts can happen organically, as can phone calls. But planned quality time, dates, time where phones are put away and you focus on the person you are with, can easily be planned. And don't do them daily if that's too much. Like now, you have me-time in the evenings where you text with Dawn. Don't schedule that. It stays open as me-time to do what you wish. You may text Dawn or do something else.

If you have the flexibility to sleep with either, then choose your schedule and make it happen. And pick at least one day per week each where you have dedicated quality time and a date. It's not that you can't have quality time outside of that time, but that time is always dedicated, no matter what, and each person gets the same.

This is future planning brought on by Jess’ insistence on a schedule.

I think that you are right. My me time should remain mine.

I have flexible work hours, but you are right. I can make one for them if it helps.

 

[Kynde]

Definitely each partner should find ways to occupy their time and not depend on you to fill their every need. This is healthy no matter what kind of relationship people have.

I have three local partners, work full time, live alone except when my child is with me (50/50 custody with her dad).
We have more like "garden party" poly than KTP.
Each partner has different needs as far as time.

Ned-- every Thursday night and every other Saturday night.
Sid-- every Weds night and starting next month every other Saturday night.
Traveler- Tuesdays and/or Friday nights when he's not traveling, which is quite a bit.

However . . . . some weekends are "me" time. When kiddo is with me she gets most of my time, with partners invited to come after she's tucked into bed, and leaving at breakfast time the next morning. She has been introduced to partners (being raised as a poly kid just like my two adult kids were), but my time with her is a priority. It also gives me time to do housework, take a nap, read a book.

 

[Magdlyn]

I might be exiled to the couch anyway if I don’t get my snoring under control. lol I believe Dawn described it as “malevolent.”

Have you been tested for sleep apnea? It's very common. You can do a sleep study in your own bed. A CPAP can make a huge difference in your comfort and health. And then you could actually sleep with your partners, and everyone can get a good night's sleep. Ask your doctor.

 

[azurebonds]

Have you been tested for sleep apnea? It's very common. You can do a sleep study in your own bed. A CPAP can make a huge difference in your comfort and health. And then you could actually sleep with your partners, and everyone can get a good night's sleep. Ask your doctor.

I haven’t, but I am looking for a doctor to do a study. It’s hard to find doctors that are willing to treat me due to my variety of illnesses. So, it’s in progress. Example: A brain injury, which I have from an accident eons ago, meant finding a doctor willing to treat me took the intervention from a social worker.

 

[Magdlyn]

I haven’t, but I am looking for a doctor to do a study. It’s hard to find doctors that are willing to treat me due to my variety of illnesses. So, it’s in progress. Example: A brain injury, which I have from an accident eons ago, meant finding a doctor willing to treat me took the intervention from a social worker.

Well, doing a sleep study is pretty straightforward. You just wear a band around your chest with a tube to go under your nose to measure your breathing rate, overnight for six hours. That's it. It's nothing super-complicated, like testing for a brain injury or diagnosing mental health issues. If you do have a GP, they just refer you to a sleep clinic. So I wish you well!