Timelines; A bit of bragging, and a question.

Hey everyone,

I hope all is well, and thank you for the help everyone has. It is a bit of a rough time for me, personally and my gf and her husband reunited so it is a time of shifting resources. My gf met up with a ONS for a second time and as it was on the cusp of my boundary comfort, I am up and down. We have seen each other 3 times in the past 3 months and will again once or twice the next month. This is great, but the totally unplanned meeting after her and I were already strained adjusting just hit pretty hard today.

The brag;

This time I was also really suffering mentally from other issues and as I said above, she dropped that last minute this one random guy she met before wanted to meet up. I went for a drive and her I talked after, I was really ready to walk from this whole thing as I incorrectly remembered the last time they met up and I was pretty certain she violated our boundaries. On the phone she was very supportive of me, and was respectful of whatever decision I was going to go to. She pointed out it had been about a month. They might meet again for all three of them, which is a different issue altogether.

Right now I feel okay though, and what used to throw me for a loop for days or weeks seems to be fading faster which is the brag. One of the things we discussed was her and her husbands adjustment period around jealousy. I also spoke with another poly/enm couple about their jealousy timeline, and though I feel rough still given the week and personal issues I feel better than I did the last time I was going through it. However, it still hits. Her and I will talk about it more after we sleep.

So onto the question, how long did all of you take to adjust to it? I feel a bit shamed and embarrassed about this, I played with many couples being in the poly/enm for years before without any jealousy so I am a weird mix of very experienced and new. I am unfamiliar with what the timelines of everyone, and while I am aware our situations are not directly measurable I am just seeing what folks experiences were.

TBG

Edit: Before anyone gives the workbook, etc, I have written in a journal and reviewed that. I have all those links saved and ready to go!
 

TXretired

Active member
Jealously comes and goes. How long for you or me is really not an issue. It is so different for each one of us. Just talk. Work through things and talk done more.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Right now I feel okay though, and what used to throw me for a loop for days or weeks seems to be fading faster which is the brag.

Sounds like you are coping better/recovering faster. So these bumps aren't as bad.

Like if you were a tree ring.

https://pixabay.com/photos/annual-rings-tree-wood-texture-3212803/

When the tree was young, there's knots and divots and things. Something was going on with the weather, tree nutrition, just quirks of the actual tree, etc. Every year? A new ring grew. And when you look to the middle and outer edges? The bumps were smoothing out over time in those years.

Maybe that idea helps you. At the start of this relationship, lots of bumps and fits and starts. And now, while not quite "outer ring smooth" you notice is IS getting a bit better and less tumultuous for you.

The middle of this article has a visual aid for stages of emotional change.

https://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transmgt1.htm

Maybe that helps you also.

Galagirl
 
Well it has yet to be seen as I woke up pretty frustrated right now. I phoned a friend who is quite upset at my gf, butis aware of my dating situation. She is upset that my gf love-bombed me when I told my friend how I told my gf I felt our boundaries and timeline was cast aside, and I do believe this is a valid point by my friend. I will see how the coming days are and study it in detail. My friend is also asking me what my gf is playing a role in as a "substitute primary" (my words).

When my gf and I were last together she said she wanted to be a queen in my life but understood she couldn't. She was pretty drunk so I read between the lines and told her while she couldn't be the queen, she could be a princess. My friend pointed out that this was pretty heavy, and unfair of us both based on the relationships that we are looking for for an extent. As my last thread, I was hesitant going out and felt weirdly some guilt as if I was doing something wrong - something I never felt before. But my friend pointed out that there was potential to find something there more fitting that I get from my gf when we're together, and my friend wants to discuss this with me. She thinks I let my gf fill in this role, the "queen role," then I get upset when that role is temporarily cast aside, even for an hour with a random person. As I am very, very close to people before sex is truly fulfilling for me (also discussed in previous threads) I think my friend has a point here as well. I also believe this is where my jealousy struggles stem from. That aside, my friend thinks that allowing my gf to temporarily fill in "queen" roles that are pulled back due to the intertwining of sex and romance in my views of the world and that this is harmful.

But I appreciate people letting me know. As I said above my gf said her husband and her took several months before it was totally fun and no jealousy, and this is about 5 weeks into this change so I feel average there. I know jealousy can reemerge and that's fine, but I was just curious to see what may or may not lay ahead and prepare myself. I myself had a pure play encounter and so when I think of that the emotions are easy because I literally think "oh it was just pure random fun" and that is what my gf is saying it is.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
When my gf and I were last together she said she wanted to be a queen in my life but understood she couldn't. She was pretty drunk so I read between the lines and told her while she couldn't be the queen, she could be a princess.

Could just say "Ok" and let it go because you don't want to talk about anything serious with a drunk person.

I myself had a pure play encounter and so when I think of that the emotions are easy because I literally think "oh it was just pure random fun" and that is what my gf is saying it is.

Well, there you go. Not every encounter has to be a deep emotional thing.

Galagirl
 
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No I agree, but I do believe drunk minds speak sober hearts.

And yes, I am just trying to gently nudge me back to how I felt when I get all wrapped up. But retraining a mind takes a long time as you know.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi TBG,

For me it was not a timeline, it was a matter of how soon I could get in touch with my wants and needs, and give voice to them, knowing that I would be heard. Today I don't have jealousy, I can't remember how long it's been since the last time I was jealous, but it's been quite a few years. I don't remember how long I had jealousy issues before I "discovered the secret" for dismissing them. A few years?

Just poking around in the ol' memory box,
Kevin T.
 
That is a problem I am facing, I am missing her and my physical needs being met over distance. Now that we are closer she wants it in person but can't, hence the going out. I can't fulfill that because it takes overnight logistics for me to travel and see her. It is nice she wants it that badly, it hurts when I can't provide it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
So... she moved closer. So instead of LONG long distance, it's like shorter long distance.

She wants to share sex often. But because your schedules don't line up and because it takes overnight logistics for you to travel to see her? She's getting her sex needs that her husband doesn't provide met with casual encounters instead.

And you hurt when you can't be the one to provide all her sex needs that her husband doesn't provide. Is that it?

I could be wrong but it's sounding less like she wants to be the "queen" in your life. And like you want to be the only other "king" in hers. Is that true?

And is it about HER, or the fact that you wish you had a local lover like she does?

Like... are you jealous of the other lovers in her life? Or are you envious of her? Her skill in socializing, dating, finding other partners?

I played with many couples being in the poly/enm for years before without any jealousy so I am a weird mix of very experienced and new.

When this was going on... where any of these people LDR? Or all local? Maybe it's that you dislike the problems of LDR?

Galagirl
 
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icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I played with many couples being in the poly/enm for years before without any jealousy so I am a weird mix of very experienced and new. I am unfamiliar with what the timelines of everyone, and while I am aware our situations are not directly measurable I am just seeing what folks experiences were.

I never really had jealousy when I was still in the enm/swinger scene without it turning into romantic relationships - it was just a fun sexy adventure. As far as timeline? For me it's not timeline, it's security, which is something I don't think you and your partner have. Like, if I'm feeling loved and desired by my partners, I don't actually care what *else* they do. When I'm having a wobble about my place in their life? then other partners are Very Scary and/or I feel like they're taking things that are "mine" - note I said feel, this is a deep emotional reaction and I can usually talk myself out of it. Talking myself out of it has definitely taken practice though, probably a couple years to get to that point with Knight and I'm working on it now in a lot of ways with Artist. I *really* have got to work on a blog entry about that, I just realized...
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Your friend sounds smart. Any chance you could break up with your girlfriend and date your friend instead?

At this point, I have to say, it sounds like your relationship with GF isn't working. Her approach to sex is too different from yours. You are still as frustrated and miserable as you were a year ago.

I suspect your GF will have a meltdown if you date another woman, so it might be better just to end things rather than trying to sort out what "queen of your life" means.

Jealousy that keeps persisting after you've given it a lot of thought and sought a lot of advice--it's not really about jealousy anymore--it's the feeling that the relationship isn't working.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
If I'm feeling loved and desired by my partners, I don't actually care what *else* they do. When I'm having a wobble about my place in their life, then other partners are Very Scary and/or I feel like they're taking things that are "mine." Note I said feel; this is a deep emotional reaction and I can usually talk myself out of it.
I would add, to feel secure, I need to feel loved, desired, valued and respected. If I feel used at all, just an object to fill a certain need of a partner for sex or attention, then when they go to others to meet those desires, I feel replaced and unvalued. If I feel "special" somehow, they can go to others for love or sex or to do any certain activity, whether it is romantic or merely platonic, and I feel perfectly OK.

I had a narcissist partner argue with me over the word "special." I got it. I wasn't special. I was an attention faucet. When he grew tired of my kind of attention, he merely sought a new and shiny faucet.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Yes. And how would I feel those things? By my partner knowing my love languages, and speaking those languages to me. This person I mentioned spoke my love languages to me in the beginning, as a mirror, to love bomb me, but once he had me hooked and shortly grew tired of me (as narcs do), he quit bothering.
 
Hey everyone,

Let me catch up here and sorry for quoting in one post.

Wednesday night she invited me down to see her and meet her H. Him and I really clicked, and though there was a minor bump that was my fault (I got caught up with chatting the neighboring table at a bar we were at and kinda ignored her) it was mostly good. We really had a great time and I was really relieved he liked me. Another small thing that popped up was that her and I discussed a fantasy that requires another person, and while I was updating a profile on it hers popped up, and it said she was on an hour before. That means while I was in the hotel she was on the app. It didn't feel great, but right now we are in the post-trip bliss and I will ask later when life slows down about it, but part of me says not to even worry at all. I'm going to think on it.

I could be wrong but it's sounding less like she wants to be the "queen" in your life. And like you want to be the only other "king" in hers. Is that true?
Ideally, sure. But I know that she cannot commit sexually to just her husband and I. She's said it. The first time sucked but less than I thought, and the second time did a bit but also less. This weekend she told me she is more or less already over this one-off guy and that is pretty much how these non-long term partners go. And that she has zero interest in any long term partner ever again, which she has said to me countless times.

I do have repercussions from a very, very serious previous LDR that I thought about about 2 weeks ago or so. But that is past trauma so I am working through it.

But I think deep down, ideally, she would have a big role in my life. This weekend she asked that if things ever ended to remain friends and just take out the sexual portion. I can't honestly say I could do that, things are just mixed up like spaghetti in a washing machine on a tilt-a-whirl. But her queen comment to me was really revealing, and does line up about how she acts. For example, she is very, very curious about my potential job search in a year or two and where I might end up living. She is respectful, but also has "jokingly" told me to move closer and she told me she was worried if I move far, she won't get to see me.

Talking myself out of it has definitely taken practice though, probably a couple years to get to that point with Knight and I'm working on it now in a lot of ways with Artist. I *really* have got to work on a blog entry about that, I just realized...
Thank you icesong - I really relate to you in this manner. I was frustrated because I was not making progress as fast as I was.

My platonic friend needed help driving a specific type of vehicle- one I am qualifed for but hadn't in years. After 3 hours of navigating she told me that with all the love in her heart, she was angry with me for the way I treated myself whenever I had a problem backing it up, the air brakes, etc. She said that I should have loved the fact that I was willing to do it for a friend, and that I had the "balls" to try even though I knew I could very well fail.

I get into this idea that I need to bat 1000% constantly. I did well in life from it, though with relationships I do tend to put too much effort into fixing things immediately and over-researching. She was how hard I am on myself when driving, and later mentioned it that she thinks I do it way too often. Hence my 6 posts on this board!
 
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Your friend sounds smart. Any chance you could break up with your girlfriend and date your friend instead?

At this point, I have to say, it sounds like your relationship with GF isn't working. Her approach to sex is too different from yours. You are still as frustrated and miserable as you were a year ago.

I suspect your GF will have a meltdown if you date another woman, so it might be better just to end things rather than trying to sort out what "queen of your life" means.

Jealousy that keeps persisting after you've given it a lot of thought and sought a lot of advice--it's not really about jealousy anymore--it's the feeling that the relationship isn't working.
My friend and I did date - we are much, much, much better as friends. She is significantly older than me, but the lifestyle differences and her previous marriage leaves her not wanting anything I desire.

I think the relationship is working a good amount of the time,and though it trips me up the issues (now that I have faced them) are shrinking in size each time. I was just really upset that I felt I wasn't making progress as fast as I wanted to, I wanted to be comfortable immediately and realizing that isn't feasible figured would ask to see what other folks went through as a comparative.

I do worry you are right about her, but she has been suggesting it for awhile.

My friend did mention that jealousy initially isn't terrible, it means that I am facing off an uncomfortable situation for someone I care for. I will see how I handle the next encounter, given that this last one happened during a small quarrel and stressful week, and that my GF went out of her way to set up logistics with her husband for all of us to meet in a very short time right after as she wanted to see me. Plus her husband mentioned that she genuinely likes me, and given his initially reluctance on forgoing their boundaries on what they were looking for when they first started to allow her to keep seeing me, I take as genuine truth. He needn't have to have told me that but I think he did to help assure me that indeed, this is really nothing to worry about.
 
I would add, to feel secure, I need to feel loved, desired, valued and respected. If I feel used at all, just an object to fill a certain need of a partner for sex or attention, then when they go to others to meet those desires, I feel replaced and unvalued. If I feel "special" somehow, they can go to others for love or sex or to do any certain activity, whether it is romantic or merely platonic, and I feel perfectly OK.

I had a narcissist partner argue with me over the word "special." I got it. I wasn't special. I was an attention faucet. When he grew tired of my kind of attention, he merely sought a new and shiny faucet.
This is interesting, and while it was a reply to icesong, I struggle.

I am extremely special to her and I know the sexual acts, travel, etc are things that otherwise she only does with her husband. We have swapped the most intimate details of our life, and I know the other people she has met didn't even really know her name half the time. There is all sorts of "evidence."

But I feel replaced and undervalued at times, that's for certain. But then, as my gf told me this weekend, this other guy is already kinda gone more or less. And I felt okay, I can handle small stuff like that for sure with a bit more time and practice.
 
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