To Go Or Not To Go

Another "this."

And after reading LR's response, I have a feeling that as a complete wiseass, I would have done something like slapped on a cheeky grin and said, "Trying to get rid of me?" just to see what came out of her mouth next... But I can be evil. I don't recommend that. ;)
 
LovingRadiance said:
I am not prone to being passive or passive aggressive, I tend to be flat out aggressive if it comes to that.

But-I would advise in the future, calling bad behavior out immediately, the same way one would with a child or a dog-because if it isn't addressed as it is happening-it won't REALLY be addressed.

For example;
"Wow, that was extraordinarily rude and I don't appreciate you putting inappropriate commentary into my conversation with (input appropriate name here). In the future, I would appreciate it if you don't have something helpful or polite to say, if you refrain from saying anything to me in regards to conversations which are not your business."

Additionally; I would never ever ever advise walking away when dealing with someone who is trying to push you out of the picture in such a rude and inappropriate manner.
I would have looked her and he straight in the face and said to HER-
"I find it completely offensive that YOU are being so rude and dismissive of me."
AND THEN
I would have said TO HIM:
"I do not appreciate having our visit with extended family interrupted by someone who can't use basic civil manners. I would appreciate it in the future if you don't invite anyone to join in our family get togethers that isn't capable of treating EVERYONE present with respect."

It is HIS job to manage his relationships. But it is your job to hold firm to appropriate boundaries regarding how ANYONE IN THE WORLD treats you as a person. Regardless of who else was present or who was attached to whom-her behavior was inappropriately rude and uncivil.

In regards to how to deal with a cowboy/metamour; You have no authority over anyone but yourself.
But you DO have absolutely authority over yourself. I would make it clear to him IMMEDIATELY that her behavior was beyond unreasonable and that you want no contact with her going forward until and unless she is prepared to instigate contact for the sole purpose of apologizing to YOU AND YOUR INLAWS for her INAPPROPRIATE treatment of you.
Lots of people would say "I'm sorry" to you just to get on with their goal. Only someone who was sincerely apologetic and ashamed of their behavior would be likely to apologize and make amends to you AND the witnesses of their behavior.
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I wish I could be that way. My style is more keep my distance from anyone that treats me that way as in I would pretty much never go around her ever again after that I demand that she not be a coming to anymore functions but I was going to. I just feel like if I were in that situation and I did myself like that I would be seen as unreasonable and causing a scene then she looks like Little Miss innocent who didn't say anything and I'm the jealous wife
 
I don't see as how jealousy comes into the picture at all.
If anyone-regardless of relationship spoke to me that way-the reaction would be the same. My parents, my children, my grandchildren, any of their spouses, friends, strangers. Doesn't matter. The bottom line is that I expect to be treated with basic decency from anyone. Period.
 
Was he not sitting right there at the table to see and hear her attitude for himself? Just how badly does she have to treat you for him to feel its out of bounds?
If he was there and saw her treating you this way, it doesnt speak well for your marriage or him. Her behavior should tell you that perhaps he isn't clear to her that his marriage and you are not important. Perhaps he just tells you what will keep you permissive?
She behaved as though she has reason to see you as the intruder. I'd wonder where she got that idea....
 
Vinccenzo said:
Was he not sitting right there at the table to see and hear her attitude for himself? Just how badly does she have to treat you for him to feel its out of bounds?
If he was there and saw her treating you this way, it doesnt speak well for your marriage or him. Her behavior should tell you that perhaps he isn't clear to her that his marriage and you are not important. Perhaps he just tells you what will keep you permissive?
She behaved as though she has reason to see you as the intruder. I'd wonder where she got that idea....
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maybe she thought this was going to be out with her boyfriend to meet his family and she didn't want a wife there because he did see her as an intruder. I know if I had a boyfriend and his wife tagged along on our date I probably wouldn't be too happy about that but in this situation she wanted to be introduced as a friend and not as a girlfriend so she really couldn't expect that
 
I also know i would be pretty bitter if i wanted to start a family with my boyfriend and we couldn't because his wife ssid no but then again I wouldn't be with somebody who had a wife that micro manage our relationship. she probably has a lot of resentment towards the OP
 
I'm not really concerned about or addressing the gf's motives. I'm asking the OP about her husband and his standards for how much shit he expects his wife to eat for him to keep this gf.
Its been mentioned that he will eventually see this gf's true colors. I don't see how he could be present for this sampling and not ALREADY see it.
 
Inyourendo said:
I also know i would be pretty bitter if i wanted to start a family with my boyfriend and we couldn't because his wife ssid no but then again I wouldn't be with somebody who had a wife that micro manage our relationship. she probably has a lot of resentment towards the OP
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Well, the OP has no jurisdiction over another woman's womb, so the gf can get pregnant (with whoever) if she wants to. However, the agreement between the OP and her husband means that their relationship will be in danger if that happens. Thus, it's on the husband to abide by his agreements and make sure precautions are used, or to choose which relationship takes precedence in that regard.
 
nycindie said:
It's not just trashy, it's so... junior high. Very immature. I don't know any grown men that would let a woman give them a hickey. Seriously. He knew he was meeting up with his parents, what was he thinking? I'd be just as disappointed in him as I would be frustrated with her. Who leaves hickeys anymore?
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Ha. You should see the hickeys and bite marks Ginger's new gf leaves on him every single time they are together, all over his chest and belly. I don't leave any on Ginger (even though he and I are a bit into pain for fun) because he once told me his wife got upset seeing him "injured," whether from love bites or just doing woodworking or something. But now all of a sudden it's OK for Carla to cover him in marks every time they meet. Even after he and I discussed it, it keeps happening. He claims to not notice til it's too late.

I can't help but feel she's marking her territory. One day there was a huge hickey on his upper chest. I mean, it was as big across as 2 quarters. The next time, no less than 9(!) bruises all around his left boob. The next time, 2 bruises on his belly. And what will happen tonight when they meet?

OP, new gfs who are new to poly can really be rude. My metamour isn't even a cowgirl, but she is constantly overstepping boundaries.
 
SlowPoly said:
Wow. Cowboy with a plan for how to lasso the stud. Does he not see risk in this relationship? I think you're right that it's not anything you can do anything about, but I hope he adds up all her behaviors and words and understands that she's not dealing in good faith here.
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I think he is getting his ego stroked by how head over heals she is, which is worth the risk to him.

Emm said:
It's a long shot given the rest of her behaviour, but is it possible she meant "go now, while there's a break in the weather and you won't get wet"?
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She said it under her breath and I hadn't noticed it was raining yet. It's certainly possible that she had, but I do think that's a long shot.

LovingRadiance said:
But-I would advise in the future, calling bad behavior out immediately, the same way one would with a child or a dog-because if it isn't addressed as it is happening-it won't REALLY be addressed.
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Sometimes I wish I could do that, but it's totally against my character. I am a peace keeper, don't like confrontations and would not want to make a scene in front of his parents.

nycindie said:
It's not just trashy, it's so... junior high. Very immature. I don't know any grown men that would let a woman give them a hickey. Seriously. He knew he was meeting up with his parents, what was he thinking? I'd be just as disappointed in him as I would be frustrated with her. Who leaves hickeys anymore?
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Right? She happens to be 17 years younger, so I am not sure if maybe he thinks he needs to do what the young kids are doing. I have no idea.

Inyourendo said:
I wish I could be that way. My style is more keep my distance from anyone that treats me that way as in I would pretty much never go around her ever again after that I demand that she not be a coming to anymore functions but I was going to. I just feel like if I were in that situation and I did myself like that I would be seen as unreasonable and causing a scene then she looks like Little Miss innocent who didn't say anything and I'm the jealous wife
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EXACTLY my style as well. In no way did I want to give her any ammunition to paint me in an unfavorable light. I have told my husband that although I know it is important to him, I just don't think the gf and I are going to bond and that I don't have any interest in pursuing anything further. He understood, but did say "you never know in the future".

Vinccenzo said:
Was he not sitting right there at the table to see and hear her attitude for himself? Just how badly does she have to treat you for him to feel its out of bounds?
If he was there and saw her treating you this way, it doesnt speak well for your marriage or him. Her behavior should tell you that perhaps he isn't clear to her that his marriage and you are not important. Perhaps he just tells you what will keep you permissive?
She behaved as though she has reason to see you as the intruder. I'd wonder where she got that idea....
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The "go now" was under her breath and he did not hear her say this. He also thought her intentions were honorable when she told him to go get my car even though I said I would stick around to see if the rain let up. He felt she was just trying to encourage him to be considerate. GAG! I guess it is possible, but totally not what my instincts are telling me. I have nothing to indicate that he is hiding things from me or only telling me what I want to hear. I am very analytical and inquisitive. He is not detail oriented, so I believe he would have slipped up by now if he was just feeding me lines.

Inyourendo said:
I also know i would be pretty bitter if i wanted to start a family with my boyfriend and we couldn't because his wife ssid no but then again I wouldn't be with somebody who had a wife that micro manage our relationship. she probably has a lot of resentment towards the OP
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My hubby has not portrayed this situation as me saying no, but rather that he is not currently in a position to father another child. As far as me micro managing, I don't see it like that. It really is my one and only boundary. I have not told him that he can not have a baby with her. What I have said is that I could not handle it and it would most likely cause me to take action to end the relationship. I see this as being honest and not micro managing.

MusicalRose said:
NRE is a lovely drug.
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I keep reminding myself of this! It's been 10 years since I've experience it, so something I have to keep top of mind.

Magdlyn said:
Ha. You should see the hickeys and bite marks Ginger's new gf leaves on him every single time they are together, all over his chest and belly.

I can't help but feel she's marking her territory. One day there was a huge hickey on his upper chest. I mean, it was as big across as 2 quarters. The next time, no less than 9(!) bruises all around his left boob. The next time, 2 bruises on his belly. And what will happen tonight when they meet?

OP, new gfs who are new to poly can really be rude. My metamour isn't even a cowgirl, but she is constantly overstepping boundaries.
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I feel the same way, but in addition to marking her territory she's also putting their sexual experiences right in my face. Like a "take that bitch" type of statement. I would actually be happy if they were on his chest or boob since those are not visible at the daycare, grocery store or lunch with his parents.
 
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