To open, or not to open??

[Saphy]

Hi everyone!

I’ve wandered around this forum on and off for the past six months. I’ve set up an account, deleted it, set it up again, lurked, deleted it, set it up again and so on. Today I have finally decided to delve in. I’ve explored the idea of open relationships for at least two years now – something I’ve been doing in preparation to present the idea to my bf (which I did earlier this year). We’ve been together 7 years and have a kid.

In a nutshell, what’s led to us considering going poly is: he has a fetish I’m fine with entertaining, but in the long run, it’s led to not-so-great-sex for me.

This year, we went to see a couples therapist who, although was great in the relationship department, wasn’t so great in the sex department. Long story short, we quit after five sessions as the therapists advice regarding our personal sexual preferences was “have you tried not thinking about it?”
My bf (let’s call him C) came away from the sessions feeling very negative towards therapy which then resulted in me going to see a second therapist alone. This therapist specialised in psychosexual therapy and in my opinion, was amazing. I had tried to get C to attend the sessions but he wasn’t willing.

I brought up the subject of poly to the therapist and his first question was whether I’d exhausted all my options before thinking about opening the relationship. To that, I said I had and that there’s little that can change our sexual preferences right now.

Currently I’m finding it very difficult meeting poly friendly people. I’m also sure there are red flags in our own relationship. Ideally, I would like to meet someone who I can be good friends with, who is already familiar with the concept, who’ll be respectful of our situation and, if it were to happen, be absolutely fine with seeing my bf on any planned/random occasion. The red flag being that C, given the choice, would NOT prefer to meet the guy. This doesn’t really make sense to me as I would feel the opposite. Also, it translates to me as jealousy which in my mind, implies C isn’t really ready to open up the relationship. Having said that, I know that different people prefer different things, like don’t ask, don’t tell. C, on the other hand, does want to know everything. Regarding how he handles jealously, it’s hard to tell as C has had no past relationships before myself and as it goes, I’m currently in regular contact with one of my ex’s and C gets along with him just fine.

I feel I have no measuring stick to guide me as to whether this is a good idea or not. What I do know is that doing nothing will result in us breaking up eventually, which may just be the solution we’re trying to avoid.

I feel I’ve missed out loads of details, but I’ve tried to add all the important ones. Feel free to ask any questions to get my cogs turning. I’m hoping to get C to chime in at some point, but for now, my main questions are:

1. Is this a good situation to consider going poly, or are we missing something?
2. Would it be better for us both to mingle with the poly community first? (we’re London based)
3. Are fears and apprehensions red flags or normal?

Thanks!

 

[Tinwen]

You ask for questions , okay I give you some

Is there something for your boyfriend, that he expects, wants or apreciates with poly (what's there in for HIM)? Is he going to pursue relationships or perhaps fetish sex himself? Do you feel really okay about him doing so, or do you apply some kind of double standard in your thinking? What if he falls in love, are you still okay with it? What does he feel if you do?

How much time can you devote to outside relationships? What if the third person falls in love/wants a more entangled relationship? Are you willing to treat him equally? Can you let go of couple priviledge, perhaps open your household? If not, are there other options then polyamory, swinging perhaps?
Is there veto power? What are the dealbreakers for both of you?

Are there areas in your relationship other then sex which need work and attention? You say "doing nothing will result in us breaking up eventually", are there other reasons then sex? If sex was amazing, would you still want to open up? If you find that amazing friend you imagine, are you really commited to stay with you partner?

I have the feeling you don't really know if your partner is on board, suspect he is not.
How can you work to improve communication with your partner and find out if your suspicions on "red flags" are real? If therapy is not an option, can you just set aside time to listen and do the processing? How about a communication workshop (something like radical honesty perhaps)?

And so on, and so on Good luck.

 

[PinkPig]

Aside from this fetish (and the resulting issues with sex), how is the rest of your relationship? How well do you communicate with one another? To me, those are the more relevant questions. In my experience, open, honest, respectful communication is the key to successful poly. Issues will arise. There may be some jealousy, fear, and insecurity. You might have the occasional scheduling snafu, etc. If you're able to talk through the issues as they arise, imo, you're much more likely to be successful. That said, if there are any serious issues you haven't worked through in your relationship, or there are major cracks, those are likely to cause issues that are more difficult to work through so it's best to work through those before you consider opening.

That said, I don't think it's necessarily a red flag that your bf would prefer not to meet your future partners. Many people have successful relationships without their partners having any contact. Also, it's all theoretical right now, you may find when you start that what you thought you'd like (or what he thought he'd like) isn't really what you want after all. Plus, this doesn't consider your future partners preferences, either. They may prefer something totally different. This is where good solid communication skills will help.

 

[Saphy]

Hi Tinwen! Thanks for replying. I'll try my best to answer the questions

1. Is there something for your boyfriend, that he expects, wants or apreciates with poly (what's there in for HIM)?
That's a really good question (one only he can answer...) So I'll ask him.
C says: "My happiness (as in me) and knowing I'll be more willing to cater to his needs instead of feeling resentful."


2. Is he going to pursue relationships or perhaps fetish sex himself? Do you feel really okay about him doing so, or do you apply some kind of double standard in your thinking? What if he falls in love, are you still okay with it? What does he feel if you do?
When I first presented the idea to him, we agreed to open the relationship equally, but finding someone who would accept our relationship/his needs was very difficult (almost impossible). Don't get me wrong, there were women who could meet his needs...but all of them charged. It was something we both found frustrating. If he falls in love, he falls in love. There's nothing wrong with that. If he wants to leave and start a new closed relationship with another woman, again, nothing I can do about that. It would hurt, but I c/wouldn't stop him.
C says: "Everything else can be worked through, my only real concern is that S will ultimately leave me for someone else. That's my main fear."


3. How much time can you devote to outside relationships? What if the third person falls in love/wants a more entangled relationship? Are you willing to treat him equally?
This will all be dependant on my relationship with the other man. There are things I will/have been clear about from the the beginning with potential partners regarding how much time I'd be able to spend with them. Should things change later on, I'll be willing to compromise, but C will always be my main.

4. Can you let go of couple priviledge, perhaps open your household?
No, this isn't even physically/legally possible - that is, if you mean someone else moving in with us and us becoming a three person household.

5. If not, are there other options then polyamory, swinging perhaps?
Neither of us are into the idea of multiple partners. Personally, I prefer to build up a relationship with someone first before even getting intimate.

6. Is there veto power?
Yes, more than likely. Though C and I have rules. So far no one has needed to bang nails in coffins. If rules get broken, and they have been, I call it quits. Most of these rules have been broken due to a guy misunderstanding our situation, usually regarding insulting comments towards C which were totally unnecessary.

7. What are the dealbreakers for both of you?
Not going to the clinic before sex. Not keeping one another updated on sexual activity. Wanting kids! C impeding on my time with someone else and vice versa. Jealousy. C feels the name.

8. Are there areas in your relationship other then sex which need work and attention? You say "doing nothing will result in us breaking up eventually", are there other reasons then sex? If sex was amazing, would you still want to open up? If you find that amazing friend you imagine, are you really commited to stay with you partner?
I've no intention of leaving my family. We're not perfect, but as it goes, sex is the main issue. I know that for me, if I'm not satisfied, I can't satisfy him and I can only assume that NO sex will result in the eventual breakdown of our relationship whether we like it or not. If we had "amazing" sex, no, we wouldn't be considering this, but as it stands, it's caused too much heartache to ignore.

9. I have the feeling you don't really know if your partner is on board, suspect he is not.
How can you work to improve communication with your partner and find out if your suspicions on "red flags" are real? If therapy is not an option, can you just set aside time to listen and do the processing? How about a communication workshop (something like radical honesty perhaps)?
We've speak about this often but I am never too sure. I've gone on meetups and my relationship with C hasn't suffered for it, but I suppose my fear is when it actually happens, the reality may not be so kind on C's mind. I don't think it's something we can know until we do it. I've always been the go getter, the one who is willing to try something new. sometimes C likes the outcome, sometimes he doesn't. A workshop could work....if C wants to go.

 

[Saphy]

Hi Pinkpig,

Thanks for your input!

We were just discussing the whole meetup factor so thanks for throwing that in.
I guess we're still trying to workout what the ingredients are for a successful open relationship.

As communication goes, we're more than decent at that now. We've learnt in the past what happens when things don't get aired. I'm more the talker/analyser than he is, which isn't always a good thing, but in this case, it's brought me here. I like to to think things through thoroughly before committing to anything which in most situations, I'm sure C appreciates!

You're absolutely right as well, I there are so many other things to consider when it comes to outcomes and others. We can't be sure about anything...

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Saphy,

How likely is it that opening up/going poly is a good idea? 50/50. I suppose I'd be inclined to try it, but take it slow, do a lot of communicating, and post on this forum often to get additional advice.

I agree with PinkPig that C doesn't need to meet your new partner/s. That helps some people but not others.

That's what I can think of so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Hello Saphy,
thank you for the answers Though I wasn't actually expecting them, I wrote it as food for thought for you and your partner, lol

Now I get a different impression from your post then from the first one. You do seem to know what's on your partners mind. Also, I didn't know you have already been dating.

Still, it seems you want some kind of very restricted primary/secondary structure. I still suggest you think about it once more from the perspective of the secondary, perhaps read www.morethantwo.com/coupleprivilege.html
perhaps think about what's in for them, what is not and why should they take what you offer. Might help you sort out compatible people.

Just to clarify, the question about dealbreakers wasn't directed just to the outside relationships, it was a question on dealbreakers in you primary relationship. Which behavior is inacceptable? Would you leave to search another primary, if your partner wanted to stay with someone else for 5 nights a week? Guess this one is unlikely, but don't tell me there are none

 

[Saphy]

Thanks KDT and Tinwen!

We have been taking it very slowly, almost a year now in searching for the right person. The meeting up and finding the right person is worth the wait, though.

Tinwen, thanks for the book, I'll be getting it. You have it right: It seems you want some kind of very restricted primary/secondary structure. This is what we would prefer and ideally those in a similar situation would be best as I assume their understanding would help a lot. I know I've been using poly and open interchangeably as it was hard defining it; it is OPEN but the dynamic sounds POLY, though I'm not expecting anyone to be tied to either of us in any way. There's no obligation. In searching for someone in a similar position, I've been strung along by a man who told me his wife opted for an open relationship after surviving cancer of the uterus and could no longer have sex. Turned out this wasn't so. Many potentials run once I ask them to attend a clinic with me. It's been a very hard slog as what I'm looking for is often misinterpretation as "cheating" or wanting to "sleep around" whereas a FWB is probably the closest thing I have in mind.

Actually, Tinwen, that one did come up, but it was in the form of a holiday; i.e, what if secondary and I/C decided to go on a weeks holiday? Again, this wasn't a problem in theory, it was all based on how well I/we have got to know this person.
To begin with, things like dates are really out of the question, not because they're not allowed but because I really really don't like them. Going for dinner in a romantic setting when you DON'T know someone is something I really dislike, I find it tedious, full of unnecessary pressure and often a little false. C also thinks it implies getting off on the wrong foot as the time split in the long run wont be equal and it wouldn't be fair to have someone else think a high level of romance will be involved, so we've said no dating. It's not really a dealbreaker, but it's something we've agreed on.
Spending too much time with the other person is also a basic no-no, unless it's been properly planned much later on down the line, I don't think it's fair to leave C or for C to leave me with all the family duties while the other gets x-amount of free time - and that rule applies regardless of seeing someone else.
Having sex without the green light from C is a dealbreaker. It's a trust breaker, too. We both have to agree on one another's partners to some extent (though at this point C isn't really looking for anyone else).
Another dealbreaker would be me bringing potential partners to our home - unless they began as genuine friends first, then that's different.
Unprotected sex is another...

There are probably more, but as long as there's patience and communication, I hope things can be worked through.

 

[Evie]

We have been taking it very slowly, almost a year now in searching for the right person. The meeting up and finding the right person is worth the wait, though.

Hi Saphy, I've been reading your thread with interest; could you clarify a couple of things for me though please?

Your man, C, is the one with the fetish, but you're more actively dating? Is this because C seeks to express that fetish constantly?

Are you (singular) just looking for one 'right person'? What need of yours will they meet?

tting it. You have it right: It seems you want some kind of very restricted primary/secondary structure. This is what we would prefer and ideally those in a similar situation would be best as I assume their understanding would help a lot.

There are a number of people here who operate primary/secondary, and a number who don't. I do, and my extramarital friends/lovers do, as most of them are married or in live in or otherwise deeply time committed relationships themselves - I love my role in their lives, and to the best of my knowledge (i.e. what has been expressed) that is reciprocal.

Many potentials run once I ask them to attend a clinic with me.

Sheesh, you really wouldn't think it would be that big of an ask! Hell, even if they went alone and showed you the text that said all was clear (that's the way it works over here these days, you get a text if you don't have any need to follow up - easy).

that one did come up, but it was in the form of a holiday; i.e, what if secondary and I/C decided to go on a weeks holiday? Again, this wasn't a problem in theory, it was all based on how well I/we have got to know this person.

OK, I'm a little lost, are you looking for someone who will holiday/have sex with both of you? I don't think you are, but this, for a moment, read like you might be looking for one person that will meet your two disparate needs, yet the rest of what you write doesn't look anywhere close to that naive.

Spending too much time with the other person is also a basic no-no, unless it's been properly planned much later on down the line, I don't think it's fair to leave C or for C to leave me with all the family duties while the other gets x-amount of free time - and that rule applies regardless of seeing someone else.

There are probably more, but as long as there's patience and communication, I hope things can be worked through.

1. fair call.
2. that's about the recipe.

all the best
Evie

 

[Saphy]

Hi Evie,

Thanks for your reply, I've edited that last post to death so excuse me if you find I've added to it. Just to clarify, no, we're not looking for someone to have sex with both of us and in truth, don't expect someone to ask me to go on holiday but should it happen, I would only say yes if I'd been with that person for a substantial amount of time (like two years) and I'd got to know them so well that it would be the equivalent of going n holiday with a mate.

To answer your questions:

Your man, C, is the one with the fetish, but you're more actively dating? Is this because C seeks to express that fetish constantly?
Are you (singular) just looking for one 'right person'? What need of yours will they meet?
Yes, C's fetish is basically his sexual orientation so his fetish is always involved in our sex life whether we do it once a month or ten times a month - his fetish is included in some way. It's simply how he operates and I don't really see a problem with it for HIM but it is for me. His needs are met but mine aren't. We've spent years trying to work around this issue sensitively and it's not my intention to make him feel guilty or abnormal for feeling the way he does.

And also, this made me smile.

There are a number of people here who operate primary/secondary, and a number who don't. I do, and my extramarital friends/lovers do, as most of them are married or in live in or otherwise deeply time committed relationships themselves - I love my role in their lives, and to the best of my knowledge (i.e. what has been expressed) that is reciprocal.

{QUOTE]Many potentials run once I ask them to attend a clinic with me. [/QUOTE]

Sheesh, you really wouldn't think it would be that big of an ask! Hell, even if they went alone and showed you the text that said all was clear (that's the way it works over here these days, you get a text if you don't have any need to follow up - easy).

I just want to say that this is good to hear. I thought that perhaps what I was asking for was too much...

And yeah, I don't get this whole "no clinic" thing. It actually scares me the amount of people who don't go or don't want to but want sex! Clarification texts also operate here.

I just want to add that everyone's input so far has given us so much already in terms of help, things to think about and defining our needs.

EDIT

Tinwen: I read that post, that's definitely NOT what we're looking for which sounds strictly poly and involving someone in your life almost entirely. I apologise if I confused you with using poly to begin with. As I'm the only one searching for someone right now and C isn't too interested in meeting the "third", accommodating for them to that degree really isn't possible/necessary. The "third" has no obligation to us/me what so ever. All I'd like is for the person to be decent enough to be a good friend, someone who is respectful of our situation and us and someone who gives a DAMN ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL HEALTH which is painfully hard to find...

 

[GalaGirl]

FWIW... here's my pov.

1. Is this a good situation to consider going poly, or are we missing something?

It's a reason -- mismatched sex. Whether it's a "good" or "not good" reason -- only you guys can determine that.

2. would it be better for us both to mingle with the poly community first? (we’re London based)

I think so. That and kink community. Get to know people out there and take relevant classes if they are being held.

3.Are fears and apprehensions red flags or normal?

I think you are doing a good job trying to SWOT.

Strengths: your problem solving skills -- you def are being logical and straight up about it.

Weakness: C not willing to see counselors, C not willing to meet your person, you situation appearing like a red flag to potentials

Opportunities: meetups, reading, counseling

Threats: if you are going through all this just to avoid breaking up. (Are you? Only you guys can determine that.)

I'm not hearing mention of resources (money, time, energy, etc) that you could put into the SWOT. You do have a kid -- that could go into the SWOT also.

"Conflict resolution method-- how would we solve problems?" and "What open models are we up for? Not up for?" and "how to break up clean if we have to break up" conversation seem missing to me.

Galagirl

 

[Saphy]

Hi Gala, thanks for your input.

Yes, the alternative would be a breakup for sure, as is the usual result of a mismatched sex life/needs not being met; this is us compromising! In terms of our actual relationship, it's very good I'd say. Any issues we've had in the past, we've managed to work out to our best ability...but this issue seems set in stone. I think C knows this and deep down I don't think there's much counselling can do for our sex life, but I still felt going would be worth it if only for someone to talk to as we attempt to move forward through this problem. My current counselor is very sex positive and open to non-monogamous alternatives.

It seems people have differing opinions on whether C needs to meet my potential partner or not... I suppose we'll just have to do what feels right.

I would think time, money and energy is naturally spent when searching through options. Therapists, long discussions and making time to meet people all come with the territory and so far has happened organically.

The breaking up clean issue has been spoken about at length, as for what type of open model we're going for, you guys are helping us with this GREATLY. So thanks again. The same goes for troubleshooting, though I think some problems can't be solved until experienced...

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like you're basically doing all the right things for the moment. I take it your biggest challenge is finding someone willing to date you after attending a clinic. That's a smart boundary (the clinic thing), don't bend on it.

 

[vinsanity0]

Going against the grain a little...

I care about my sexual health, which is why I get tested. Going to a clinic every single time I meet someone isn't feasible.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Going to a clinic every single time I meet someone isn't feasible.

Yeah, I would not be running to get tested every time I meet a new partner, either. A certain amount of trust is part of opening my heart to someone and I'd assume the same from them. I understand if someone is a stickler for proof of a clean bill of health, but that person wouldn't be a good match for me. I alone am responsible for my sexual health and someone needing proof of that just wouldn't be the person for me. It's not a matter of "what's done," it's a matter of what feels right to the two people involved. Saphy, you're not looking to date and have in depth relationships, so perhaps the proof of testing is more pressing. Again, what's imortant is to know what you're looking for, otherwise you run into all sorts of weird situations that don't feel good. I can see how this thread is helping you clarify what you want and what you don't want.

 

[Saphy]

Hi everyone! I hope I'm not necro-posting as I know this is an old thread but I felt strongly about updating it and adding another thank you to those that initially offered their advice

Any future words of advice won't be unwelcome!

So I started this thread almost a year ago...and pretty much gave up on the whole 'opening up' our relationship just before the new year. It was really difficult; a lot of the guys I met were either cheating on their wives, gf or simply didn't want to abide by my clinic rule. Some guys I met had their own fetishes that I just wasn't willing to entertain or didn't like the fact that I had a bf who was aware of them. It got a little depressing so I let the idea ago.

However, there was one person I met along the way who I got to know through common interests (we write fiction). When I put the offer to him after a few meetings, he kindly turned me down but we remained friends and stayed in contact (by phone and meeting up) since last year June.
This guy, Z, has never met my bf, C, but they know of each other and speak indirectly (through me.) Earlier this year my bf told me he was still fine with opening the relationship and asked if Z was still 'closed' to the idea. I told him he was.

Recently, though, Z and I met up for a meal and we got to talking about why C and I had opened up our relationship in the first place, and Z said it's something he would now be willing to give a go. I asked why he'd never said so earlier and he told me it was a little intimidating to approach me with his reversed answer. I told him no pressure, and he too said there was no pressure on me.

C and I hadn't talked about opening our relationship since early this year so I wasn't sure how he'd react when I told him the offer was back on the table. But C assured me he was still okay with it and to give it a shot. As well, Z isn't against the clinic rule as he himself wants to make sure he's clean.

I'm both excited at the prospect and nervous too, not in the sense that I think it's a mistake, but that I could at some point be sharing my body with someone else after having done so with only one person for the last eight years. At the same time I'm glad it's someone I've built a connection with and someone who, at the same time, probably preferred a connection before diving in.

I'm not in a rush and although it's taken a year to get here, I've no problem with continuing to take things slowly as I feel it's worth it. I know nothing is set in stone and that anything can happen from here on out but hopefully we can all handle it together, whatever those issues may be.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm both excited at the prospect and nervous too, not in the sense that I think it's a mistake, but that I could at some point be sharing my body with someone else after having done so with only one person for the last eight years. At the same time I'm glad it's someone I've built a connection with and someone who, at the same time, probably preferred a connection before diving in.

Sounds good. I would like that

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad to hear things are moving along in a way you like.

GL!

Galagirl

 

[Spork]

I want to applaud this, and your update absolutely confirms a thought that had been forming (a sort of philosophical and theoretical idea) in my mind as I read the stuff from last year...

You know the whole "unicorn" thing? What's up with that? I mean...people who come here or to the poly community and say, "We are opening up and seeking <whatever>" get sometimes a "I'm not sure if this will work for you" feeling. I don't sense that in the answers you were given here, but I felt it in my gut as I was considering what advice I would have given.

Felt like you wanted something kind of impersonal...not a relationship, no serious emotional connection, NO DATING (!?) and just like you meet someone online for this scripted thing of going to clinic and then hopping over to their place for sex. It's like you've bought a human marital aid to take care of your needs, since your husband is so hung up on this particular thing he must have to enjoy sex.

That doesn't sound very nice, does it?

And apply the same (seriously, you're doing what?) feeling to people who want the hot bi babe to come and have sex with a couple, but no feelings allowed or there is veto power, or any of a hundred restrictions people are writing into this concept of opening up, right?

Ahhhhh but!! If there is a REAL PERSON involved...now the whole script changes. Come and say, "We have a friend, we've approached the friend, they seem willing, we're gonna try to do this"...now you have a working model with a real human being, and now I can take you seriously!

That is at the heart of the "unicorn" concept. A couple exploring the idea of polyamory (or some variation on ethical non-mono) and they are thinking in terms of what they want, building this concept of a person who will fit needs A, B, and C, but operate under rules D, E and F... That feels unrealistic. Because the person(s) who might be nominees for such a role are unknowns and it's dehumanizing to think of them as cardboard cutouts who will just fit into this whole preconceived...thing.

The fact that so much of meeting potential partners is now done online, as opposed to in real life social circles and communities, makes it worse, too.

Honestly it's the reality where you get to explore and adjust. You might find that some of your expectations weren't realistic and need to be modified. The whole game changes once you've got an actual human being on board to start experiencing the real thing. That's why the unicorn is the unicorn, doesn't matter if it's a hot bi babe or a pool boy or...whatever. The unicorn is the idea, all the expectations and fears and trepidations and rules that previously mono folks (especially couples afraid of the scary unknown) are imagining...not a real person. The couple might indeed meet a person who will be exactly what they hope for, but being human instead of idea, there will probably be a bunch of complex and maybe unexpected stuff that comes with and should be adjusted for....and the more flexible the couple is in adapting to the reality, the better a time they'll have with it.

I apologize if this post seems judgy of you, it IS exaggerated to make a point, but the point isn't judgment but rather me feeling clearer on a concept and trying to get that across. If that makes sense?

Also, with regard to "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and similar arrangements...

I REALLY would like to see the poly community adopt a new protocol in these instances. The "Permission Video." This would be a simple cell phone vid of the partner who doesn't want to meet other partners, saying "Hi! I'm <name> and I'm <name>'s husband/wife!! We have agreed to open our marriage, and I am totally ok with that. But I'm not willing to meet my husband/wife's other partners. That is just too much for me. Thanks for understanding! This video is to prove that my husband/wife does in fact have my permission for outside relationships, and so that YOU know, that we are practicing ethical non-monogamy and they are not just a cheater. Cheers!"

Something like that. Because while I get that some folks don't want to meet the metamour...it's really hard to know, with no proof of any kind, who is doing this honestly and who just wants an affair.

 

[tenK]

Also, with regard to "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and similar arrangements...

I REALLY would like to see the poly community adopt a new protocol in these instances. The "Permission Video." This would be a simple cell phone vid of the partner who doesn't want to meet other partners, saying "Hi! I'm <name> and I'm <name>'s husband/wife!! We have agreed to open our marriage, and I am totally ok with that. But I'm not willing to meet my husband/wife's other partners. That is just too much for me. Thanks for understanding! This video is to prove that my husband/wife does in fact have my permission for outside relationships, and so that YOU know, that we are practicing ethical non-monogamy and they are not just a cheater. Cheers!"

Something like that. Because while I get that some folks don't want to meet the metamour...it's really hard to know, with no proof of any kind, who is doing this honestly and who just wants an affair.

Oh, this would be great! The number of times I've spoken to people that seemed interesting until they told me all about their DADT, and I've gone…eeee…I'm not sure I'm down with that because it's just too easy to lie about it. This would be a massive help in sorting out the cheaters from the sincere, and also probably make the consenting partner feel better (I know I would) that their partner wasn't just hooking up with people that didn't care whether they had a relationship and were being up front about it. Win, win, win.