Hello again! I see that our discussion yesterday brought up some food for thought for both you and I. I came away from our conversation with questions in my head, and with a need to bring our chat and my questions to my partner. So thanks for bringing me things to think on. I realized that I shouldn't assume about my partner being on the same page.Have you ever had a relationship where the needs of 2 or more partners clashed so much that choosing between the relationships/partners became a real option?
Who was it with? What did you do and why?
I don't see how this contradicts the point I made in the other thread.) that *if* a relationship is to end, it's because the relationship no longer serves the two people involved, and the two people involved do not wish to continue, and NOT because of an external person or other relationship.
Indeed, and I have found said peopleI don't see how this contradicts the point I made in the other thread.
Sometimes, a relationship no longer "serves" one of the two people involved because of the conflicting needs of another partner.
That's when a relationship that used to "serve" is in danger of no longer "serving". And this can be any one involved who feels this way.
A non-nesting relationship can work fine until the needs of any of the people involved change. It might be that a married couple have a baby, and now this additional lack of availability no longer "serves" their other partners. It might be that a non-nesting partner needs contact and time that just doesn't mesh with the needs of your spouse (a KTP vs parallel type issue) because anyone's needs can evolve over time.
A good poly saying is that relationships do not occur in a vacuum. It could well be the needs, choices and limitations of a third person that sparks the acknowledgement that a relationship is no longer serving the people involved.
You could "need" to move for a dream job that creates distance more than you need to give up the opportunity and stay within a practical distance for your partner and your metamour.
Your partner could find themselves "needing" to be nearer you than his other partner, now confronted with the choice to have less contact with you.
His other partner could find herself "needing" to be out of a long distance relationship because it doesn't "serve' them. She already struggles now he leaves for weeks at a time.
Somewhere in that is an ultimatum where your partner decides to either be near you, or appease his partner's need not to move away and effectively end their relationship given her need for local partners.
Doesn't mean anyone said "it's me or her" or that anyone wanted to effectively freeze the other out. It could be a devastating situation between three people who.care deeply about the welfare of the others. But it's the reality of what happens.
The only Real way to protect against it is to find people who seem to want the same type of relationship as you do and have only involved themselves with similar relationships.
Yes. That's pretty much how I feel about someone asking me to move to monogamy.Indeed, and I have found said people
ETA: a line I just read from another poster on another thread had me thinking, as it resonates:
"I wouldn't entertain weighing the two relationships, because asking me to do that in the first place is a hard stop for me."
What if the relationship between Partner B and the Hinge is going really well? You'd just be dumped out of the blue for no reason. You'd be confused and ask. It isn't realistic for the Hinge to hide it in every circumstance.if partner A gave me that ultimatum, I would then start thinking that I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who would do that to me knowing it would hurt me deeply. So yes, hard stop for me as well. Others might say “this is my wife/husband and I’m committed to them no matter what.” Regardless, Never tell partner B you have to or you’ll lose partner A, Or that partner A gave an ultimatum. Decide and own that the relationship is no longer what you want. Why you changed your mind is irrelevant to partner B. They just need to know it’s your choice and it’s over.
The hinge would need to assess what they want and make that decision. Owning that it’s their choice if they end it and that the relationship is no longer working for them.What if the relationship between Partner B and the Hinge is going really well? You'd just be dumped out of the blue for no reason. You'd be confused and ask. It isn't realistic for the Hinge to hide it in every circumstance.
That is one way you can explain as it accepts responsibility for ending the relationship without blaming partner A for giving ultimatum which is what you want to avoid.We should be able to take someone saying to us that they had to make a choice between their marriage and this relationship because both cannot exist together. They chose their marriage.
Never lie to partners. That’s not what I’m saying. Own your decision instead of blaming things on the other partner, “she made Me choose” vs “l choose”They shouldn't have to lie to you for you to take it.
exactly! At the same time, people aren’t things to be disposed of. partner B should get the respect of a clean break where hinge says “these two relationships are not working together and I’ve decided to end this one.” (Or some variation) That is a clean honest break.I think we have to deal with the fact that spouses are real people important to their partners. Often their feelings are more of a pull than those of someone new and less entangled. That's just reality. I feel more for the people I know than I do for strangers. I feel like some poly people forget that and feel like they should have "equal" influence over the decisions of a new partner. You just won't unless the Hinge was already unhappy in their established relationship. You're not that significant in their lives (yet).
partner B should get the respect of a clean break where hinge says “these two relationships are not working together and I’ve decided to end this one.” (Or some variation) That is a clean honest break
I think you and I are on the same page. something Is getting lost in translation. This would also be a good reason. How you “see this going” is not what I described.my spouse is unhappy, I had to make a tough choice. We have to end things.
Seems like this (bolded) is the disingenuous part that's unfair to all parties, right? It's not out of the person's control, that statement is an attempt to deflect the negative feelings of Partner B away from them, onto Partner A.“partner A will leave me if I don’t end things with you. Sorry, it’s out of my control.”
Exactly!Seems like this (bolded) is the disingenuous part that's unfair to all parties, right? It's not out of the person's control, that statement is an attempt to deflect the negative feelings of Partner B away from them, onto Partner A.
But nobody ever added the bolded part where A says it was out of their control. I certainly didn't. I said they should just tell their truth which is that everything was okay until their partner wasn't okay.Exactly!
When in fact, the hinge is choosing to end the relationship and should take responsibility for that choice. Yes, they considered what partner A said to them in making that decision, but in the end, the decision was theirs and theirs alone. They may not like the decision but they made it.
It was an example. I think what’s happening here is you were talking about a specific situation (the other thread) and I’m giving general thoughts on ultimatums in general…..my opinionBut nobody ever added the bolded part where A says it was out of their control.
it’s bound to happen eventually If they are polyamorous.It seems like people just don't want to know that the Hinge picked someone else over them
This one seems much easier as there’s not a pre existing marriage. I also don’t see an ultimatum at play. In fact, poster says they don’t want it to even sound like an ultimatum. Poster should express needs to hinge. If hinge can accommodate their needs then great, if not then they have to decide if they can live with it or not. If not then they can move on. It’s more about compatibility than ultimatum.https://polyamory.com/threads/metamours-relationship-with-hinge-is-too-big-for-my-relationship.96609/
Here is an example of a poster about to drop an ultimatum.