Transitioning into a triad

M

michou

New member
Hi!

I’ve been following many of the threads (including many on triads) on here for a little while now, but haven’t really joined in the discussion. That being said, I’ve hit a rough patch in my current relationship, and wanted to put it out there to see if anyone’s encountered this situation before (I’m sure someone has), and how you moved through it:

I joined a poly-fi triad back in October with two people with whom I’ve been acquainted (but not been close with) for about 10 years. They have been dating others on and off for those ten years and are getting married this May. They had been searching for a third for about a year-and-a-half when we began spending time together.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s been a rocky road these last 5 months, as we’ve struggled to redefine what a relationship is supposed to be. We have dug up and dealt with a lot of social conditioning. We’ve learned that one of the things that makes a triad (or any plural relationship) so difficult is that, instead of one relationship to nurture, there are four. Each of these need attention and time; each evolves at a different pace. It is very challenging keeping everyone’s needs met, all of the relationships tended to, and also have a job and a life outside of the relationship(s).

However, I have never been in a relationship that is as caring, honest and communicative as this one. There is a lot of love on all sides, and fun, and very real moments, as we each become vulnerable and share the fears and hopes for our lives. I am very committed to making this work, if it is possible.

After a short period of relative harmony, we’ve hit a rough patch again. As commonly happens, the man and I are very much in love, and although I adore the woman, my relationship with her has been more difficult to build. I was a lesbian for 10+ years, so that aspect is not an issue for me. It might be for her, as I’m her first female parter, but I don’t think that’s it. The primary cause for strife at this stage is that she and I have seemingly opposite needs that we can’t find a comfortable common ground on.

I feel the need to be an equal player in the relationship. I want the right to be involved in decision-making. I feel resentful when they make plans to throw a dinner party, or to go to a friend’s wedding in another state without me. I feel threatened when their relationship becomes “primary,” as is happening more often as the wedding approaches. I want equal time with him and her during the week. They live together, and although I live close by, it still makes me feel marginalized because lots of conversations and decision-making happen when I’m not around.

She needs to take things slowly and open up gradually. She says she can’t divide up her week evenly between him, me and us. She needs a certain amount of “him and her” time or she begins to feel that she is losing him and feels threatened.

She has mentioned several times that she is not comfortable with him having a “girlfriend on the side." I also don't want to be the "girlfriend on the side."

I feel that she is acting as the gatekeeper to the relationship. She is the slowest to adapt to the changing dynamics. It makes it difficult for me to feel loving toward her, because I feel she is holding me down from having an equal position in the relationship. My relationship with him has developed much more quickly. He feels comfortable integrating me to the extent that everyone is comfortable with.

Truthfully, I understand where she is coming from. It has only been a short time, and she doesn’t know what she’s getting with me. She is deeply in love with him (and he with her, of course). While she is very fond of me, I think she is just generally one of those people that moves slowly in relationships. It takes a while for her to build trust.

We have talked about our visions for the relationship in the future. Both of them have expressed the desire to have equal roles and equal commitments.

I guess my basic question is: how do you balance the transition from a long-term two-person relationship to a three-person relationship while meeting everyone’s needs for equality and for security? Is it best to start out as everyone being equal as much as possible, or is it better to transition gradually?

I recognize that it is still early in my relationship with them and a lot of these intimate kinds of things generally come later, after trust and closeness have been developed (as she pointed out to me). That does not negate the fact that I feel hurt and left out. I wonder if starting out unevenly makes it more difficult to transition to equality later, because patterns of interacting have already been established?

Not to mention the wedding. They have assured me several times that the fact that they are getting married does not mean that I will have a secondary role in the relationship. I can’t get past the fact that in our society, that’s exactly what that means. Legally and culturally, they will always be viewed as the “acceptable” relationship. How do you get past that?

A little background on my history that affects how I feel about this: the relationship I was in prior to this one was a poly relationship with a man. It lasted almost 2 years. I was his secondary partner. I had no influence or rights in decision-making with the primary couple. I was very much in love with the man, and was heartbroken when we eventually moved apart and he became exclusively involved with her again. I was never invited to meet her.

In my defense, I was not at all informed on poly relationships at the time and kind of fell into it. If I had done a little research I might have acted differently and not have gotten so attached, or been a little more assertive about how the relationship evolved. You live and learn. ☹

So, should I just try and relax and trust that what they say is true– that the relationship will eventually become an equal one? I'm willing to accept that my insecurities are just getting in the way of a natural relationship progression. Or is there evidence that the relationship that starts out more equally is the one that generally survives?

Thanks in advance for any help and advice. I am definitely seeing why triads are so notorious for not working out! It is very challenging to integrate into an existing relationship, especially one that is so committed and long-standing. It brings up lots of insecurities and worries and fears. It’s definitely not for the fainthearted.

Thanks for reading. Happy Valentine’s Day.
 
It sounds like this is all very new and perhaps just needs time. Either that, or expecting too much is not the best idea for you. Maybe you should look at what you could do to move on with other things right now and let her take the time she needs. Perhaps you could find an additional partner that has time and is willing to be more invested in you.

It sounds like the two of them had their fun and are now thinking of other things and moving in other directions. That's fine, but what's in it for you? It's fine to keep at it, while remembering that you have your own life to live, and can be interested in other things.

This seems like a good indication that the NRE is over. Perhaps things are settling for them. Maybe you should settle a bit also?
 
I'm going through the same thing. I am in a long-term formerly mono couple, now open to being in a triad. I think it depends on the people involved. For some of the women we tried with, it was harder, while some were easier. Some women made my girlfriend more jealous, others not so much, and it wasn't just how "hot" they looked. It mostly came down to how receptive they were to her and how compatible with her they were.

We haven't had any big issues so far. Our current triad has been going on some months now.

Now when I think about "problems" others have, I think there must be some incompatibility there. That doesn't mean it can't be worked out, but it just means something needs to be done. As to what needs to be done, in your case, it sounds like this woman isn't as receptive to you, for some reason, and it's putting a road block on the triad. Maybe he is feeding back into her wishes. Who knows? As the "outsider," you probably have a distorted view of their actual goings-on.

Maybe there is something you're doing that is setting off her jealousy. I would focus on her for a little bit, show her, at least for a little time, that you want to be with her more than the man. Maybe make it subtle. Ignore some attention he is giving you and focus on her while he is doing it? There are probably lots of little things you can do that I have noticed the new girl in our relationship does to me from time to time. It's good sometimes, for bonding, to have "chick power" combined against a "common enemy," the man.
 
michou said:
I feel threatened when their relationship becomes “primary” as is happening more often as the wedding approaches.
Click to expand...

These kinda things would raise a red flag for me. It'd be one thing if they were an already married couple that was moving to a triad situation... Fine. But even after you've been added, they're still going through with a wedding and acting like a couple everywhere? Something just doesn't add up in my mind about that. Maybe they're thinking more of a V than a full triad.
 
michou said:
I feel the need to be an equal player in the relationship...

How do you balance the transition from a long-term two-person relationship to a three-person relationship, while meeting everyone’s needs for equality and security? Is it best to start out as everyone being equal as much as possible, or is it better to transition gradually?

Not to mention the wedding. They have assured me several times that the fact that they are getting married does not mean that I will have a secondary role in the relationship.
Click to expand...

Hey Michou,

Well, FWIW, I'm going to say your expectations and plans may get you all in trouble. There's a whiff of control in there, to me, and if there is, it's going to spell some difficult times ahead.

There is no equality, ever. Anywhere. Life just isn't like that. But what it's sensible to seek is balance. A totally different thing. I think if you looked at the relationship much like you would 3 (or more) people running an office or business together, the natural dynamic might seem clearer. Some days certain people are tight on a project, communicating and making decisions together, and the other(s) are off on something else. It's just how life flows.

Could you feel left out? Sure. You could. But life isn't going to wait around for decision by committee. It's no different in relationships.

And now their marriage thing. Why? What's behind that? What's the driver? It is going to effect a pair bond to some degree, regardless of what everyone intends. It's the nature of the institution. And when you have a pair bond, you are going to have anyone else outside that contract take somewhat of a secondary role. How much would depend on the people, of course, but that's what the contract is intended to accomplish!

So, if this marriage is necessary for some reason, I suggest you get used to a new role. It's okay, really. But you have to accept it as okay. Otherwise there's going to be resentment, and trouble will ensue. Decisions will get made by the pair, time will be spent together, etc. Can you be okay with that? If not, I think you guys better get talking before this marriage contract gets signed. Good luck.

Keep us posted,
GS
 
I'm with GS on this one. I don't see marriage as a contract, or simply a function of the state, but I certainly do see it as a higher level of commitment. They could be doing it to take advantage of government perks, but it will definitely make their relationship a priority, in my opinion. I base the concept of "secondary/primary" on the impact each partner has if removed from the relationship. When you have the type of financial integration and government/employer benefits that marriage can create, you ultimately have a greater impact on the relationship, in that maintaining that relationship will likely become more of a priority to keep stability in the big picture of life.

If the non-married partner leaves, the overall impact will be less: no paperwork, no forms to fill out with the government, and probably very little social pressure normally associated with ending relationships.

So the question is, to repeat GS, will you be healthy in that situation? You can't expect to be treated equally, but you do have the right to be treated fair, and those are two very different things.
 
Here come 2 cents from someone who shouldn't offer any cents...

Your post worries me. We're about to step into the warm waters of a poly relationship and are still working out all the kinks. Our situation is much different, but we've been looking for 13 yrs and have been married for 10. We would want HB to be a part of everything-- the family, the house, the mortgage (and the deed), hell... healthcare coverage too, if we could swing that! HB is stuck in the "play" mentality, and is worried about overstepping boundaries and intruding on our "real life" and all that. I'm wondering if this is a fantasy come true... but reality isn't fantastical for your lady friend.

The marriage seems to be like a slap in your face, honestly. Is there a reason for them getting married? Was there a financial commitment to the wedding prior to the onset of your relationship with them that they can't afford to back out of?

I guess I'd feel more at ease if you were being included in decisions, plans, and the wedding (as a bridesmaid, perhaps?) and that following that ceremony there could be a ceremony held for all of you. In my stratosphere, we have collaring ceremonies instead of "weddings," but when undertaken with the right air of solemnity, it is just as binding.

Again, I am not even sure I would listen to me at this point, but your whole post just gave me a weird vibe.
 
Kyriele said:
Here come 2 cents from someone who shouldn't offer any cents...
Click to expand...

I think your two cents are worth a lot more than that. :)

The only point I would make is that a collaring ceremony won't get you a health plan, or death benefits, or even be enough for banks to see you as a financial collective to increase your buying power. Marriage for love is beautiful. Marriage for the state is beneficial.
 
Absolutely, Mono. Unfortunately, marriage was never about love, historically. It was exactly about lands, funds, goats, offspring. Originally meant to simply chart who was doing whom, to determine proper paternity of children, to prevent incest. (Except, of course, in the royals. Why should the leaders have all their mental faculties? lol)

There have been examples of polygamy and polyandry throughout history, until certain religions decided their god wanted things done a certain way. Marriage at that point became more about assets and religion.

That's why I was asking if there were financial commitments to the marriage prior to her advent into the relationship. Or children involved? I'm originally from Canada, where same-sex unions were recognized in terms of health benefits, etc., long before marriage itself was legalized for gays. I do know that you cannot claim benefits for more than one partner of any gender.

But Mono, how would I love to see the look on the person's face who reads my benefit update application to include HB, where there is the relationship check box, and I type in, "Well, she's collared. Where is that?? Don't tell me it's not a legitimate relationship! She's locked in my basement quite happily right now!" hehe

Thanks for the morning smile. :)
 
Hi Michou,

I'm in a poly-fi triad similar to what you're in. I'm the married lady in a relationship with my husband and girlfriend. I was married for 10 years before my relationship between my girlfriend, husband and I started. My triad started over 3 years ago.

The feelings you're having sound familiar to me. My girlfriend said very similar things in the beginning of our relationship. They're completely valid, and some will continue to be with you as your relationship develops. All roles in the relationship have their challenges, for sure, but yours without the solid legal commitment I feel for a lot; it would be very hard. I see that sadness in my girlfriend, and my only help for it is to continue to be loving.

On that note, why are they getting legally married right now, if you are at the beginning of your triad relationship? Especially since they were looking for a third actively for a year and a half. It seems, at the least, impolite, and insensitive to you. It sounds like a good round of communication is in order.

I want to be clear that I don't have an opinion on the rightness of them getting married now. I sure don't know what's best for your relationship. I don't even know what's best for mine sometimes! But it sounds like a lot more communication is in order for you and each of them. The only way through the rough patch is to talk about those feelings. You did a really good job of expressing them here. I invite you to take something similar to them.

One thing that helped us a lot is counselling. I hear that advice a lot on the boards and it's good. We found an excellent poly counsellor. I've learned a ton about communicating and feelings since then. It's been quite the learning and growing process, indispensable for my relationship and my own personal growth.

Triads are hard, and there aren't a lot of obvious models to work from. But one consistency is communicate, communicate, communicate.

Hugs!
Koi
 
What got me is that you said your gf is not really comfortable with your bf having a gf. That says it all. I don't think it will get better, because it's not something she wants, and therefore, I think you should move on. I'm all for staying and trying to work things out, but in order for that to happen, everyone has to be on the same page.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top