Triad situations I am curious about.. .a million questions

[Abstract]

I am wondering how people work out a triad situation and manage to keep everyone in the situation happy. Questions:

Are there people who are content to live in a separate house from their significant other, and never expect to live with them, but still feel like they are loved and getting what they need?
How often do you generally see this person?
Does it work for you?
Do you see other people to fill the void?
What if you couldn't live with them, and you didn't see anyone else, and this was a situation you wanted long term, do you still think all your needs would be met?

What about living together?
If you do live with 3 people--
Are time and attention equal?
Do you get equal say in the household?
If not, are you okay with that?
What are the rules that exist, if any?
Does everyone find these rules to be fair?
Does one person always feel like they are making a sacrifice to follow rules they don't really want to?
If you're the one who wants/needs the rules, do you feel like the bad guy, or that you are making other people unhappy?
Do people initially agree to rules to make someone happy, and then want them to change? What if the rules will never change?
Can someone accept not being the priority in the 3-way relationship?
What about alone time and privacy-- how do people do that? Are things scheduled? It seems like there isn't much excitement in scheduling sex and things.
Do the people all share one bedroom, usually?
What seems to work well that people have tried, in terms of having a live-in or non-live-in triad, where everyone is really happy?

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Are there people who are content to live in a separate house from their significant other and never expect to live with them, but still feel like they are loved and getting what they need?

Yep. I need my space. It's not that moving in wouldn't be impossible at some later point, but it would require a lot of pre-thought and agreements.

Take my LDR with Sweetheart-- living together is never going to happen. The whole pattern of the relationship is very different from a traditional
"meet someone, move in together, get married, have a child" model. I think a long-term holiday romance would be the closest thing to describing what we've got. And I am totally happy. Okay, not totally... I would really wish to be able to communicate with him on a more regular basis.

How often do you generally see this person? Does it work for you?

I try to do it twice a week, except for Sweetheart, whom I see when I can. It's hard when there's strong NRE going on. I have thought about making it three times a week, but that would require some serious renegotiation in my current family situation. I don't see that happening in the near future.

Do you see other people to fill the void?

I don't think of it as "filling the void." I'm dating four people. One is an LDR, and two of them are married to each other. Each of them is a unique relationship; I didn't set out thinking "You know, four people would be really nice, two men and two women, one couple, one LDR, so I am going to look for that."

I did start out looking for a couple. When I accidentally met Sweetheart in the process, I did tell him that I couldn't be his secondary, and just grow resentful and forlorn in an LDR. I needed a primary of my own.

What if you couldn't live with them, and you didn't see anyone else, and this was a situation you wanted long term, do you still think all your needs would be met?

Maybe I didn't catch the question. If I wanted this for long-term, at least I would presume it would meet all my needs. For me, mono-secondary status wouldn't work.

Can someone accept not being the priority in the 3-way relationship?

Hmm... I would think, as there is not a single three-way relationship, but three individual couple relationships, of course I would expect to be a priority in the relationships I am actually involved in. In a family situation, when everyone is living together, somebody usually needs more support and attention than the others at any one time. I think the key is making sure it is not always the same person who needs all the attention, support and time. If there are kids involved, of course they are the priority. That is what families are for.

What about alone time, and privacy? How do people do that? Are things scheduled? It seems like there isn't much excitement in scheduling sex and things.

Hehe. I find sex dates and just hang-out dates to be extremely exciting to schedule and wait for. I try to strive for equality in terms of how much I spend time with both members of the couple.

Do people all share one bedroom usually?

Personally, I wouldn't share a bedroom on a permanent basis with anyone. I mean, what if you have totally different sleeping schedules, somebody snores or hogs the pillows? Having your own room is important for me. It is somewhere you can go and be totally alone and by yourself.

What seems to work well, in terms of having a live-in or non-live-in triad where everyone is really happy?

I guess the most important things in a triad, for me, are striving towards equality, honesty in communication about feelings and expectations, and commitment to spending alone time with both of your partners.

 

[IndieSolo]

If you click on the search button above, you will see a little drop-down box which has a link to "Tag Search." Click there and it will take you to a page where the popular tags are listed (and a search box below). Check out the links for triad and triads and you will have a ton of threads to peruse, where all these issues are discussed. Reading others' stories and threads where they address problems/issues/joys is a good way to learn about it. Happy reading!

(I can't offer any feedback myself, since I've never been in a triad.)

 

[Abstract]

Thank you for taking the time to read and answer all of my questions. It is nice to have feedback and perspective from an outsider.

I am going to check out the links now. Thanks.

 

[Polymonial]

If you do live with 3 people, are time and attention equal? Do you get equal say in the household?

For our tribe, yes. At least, I hope so, and if not, we'd talk about it.

What are the rules that exist, if any?
Does everyone find these rules to be fair?
Does one person always feel like they are making a sacrifice to follow rules they don't really want to?
If you're the one who wants/needs the rules, do you feel like the bad guy, or that you are making other people unhappy?
Do people initially agree to rules to make someone happy, and then want them to change? What if the rules will never change?

We're poly-fi, and consider everyone to be equals/primaries. We have assigned date nights, kids' nights, and family nights, so we all get time with each other. This actually works out extremely well, better than as just a couple. There are very few (if any) other rules that I can think of, except to talk when one's needs aren't being met so we can fix that together.

Can someone accept not being the priority in the 3-way relationship?

Not if everyone is a primary, although some tribes may distinguish between primaries, secondaries, and even tertiaries. To each their own. Ultimately, the tribe decides.

What about alone time, and privacy, how do people do that? Are things scheduled? It seems like there isn't much excitement in scheduling sex. Do people all share one bedroom usually?

As a vee, we don't share one bedroom. And you're right, there's not much excitement in scheduling, but it's necessary. Get yourself a good smartphone, create a Google calendar, and share it between everyone so you can all manage your time (including sleeping hours) together.

What seem to work well, in terms of having a live-in or non-live-in triad where everyone is really happy?

In our V of three people, A+B+C (with B as the fulcrum), if it's A+B's turn to spend the night sleeping together, C has a chance to have sex with B before A+B run off together, and vice versa. That way, everyone has the opportunity to have sex with their partner(s) every night, if they want, even if it's not their turn to sleep together. This arrangement has worked extremely well for us.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am wondering how people work out a triad situation and manage to keep everyone in the situation happy....

Are there people who are content to live in a separate house from thier significate other and never expect to live with them, but still feel like they are loved and getting what they need?

I am not in a triad, but I have a poly gf. She has a bf. I am currently dating and looking. I've had a few relationships of 3 months to 2 years, of varying degrees of intensity and commitment.

How often do you generally see this person?

My gf and I each have our own apartments, about 20 miles apart. We spend about half the week together, either at her place or mine.

Does it work for you?
Do you see other people to fill the void?

Yes to both.

What if you couldn't live with them, and you didn't see anyone else, and this was a situation you wanted long term, do you still think all your needs would be met?

You mean, if I were mono, but my partner was poly? That would depend on how independent I was (if I were mono, which I am not). Most monoamorous people here, in relationship with polyamorous partners, tend to work hard on having lots of friends and hobbies to focus on for when their poly partner is with someone else.

What about living together?
If you do live with 3 people--
Are time and attention equal?
Do you get equal say in the household?
If not, are you okay with that?

Look at Redpepper's blog thread. She has a bf and a husband living with her, and she and Mono are very chatty about it all.

What are the rules that exist, if any?
Does everyone find these rules to be fair?
Does one person always feel like they are making a sacrifice to follow rules they don't really want to?
If your the one who wants/needs the rules, do you feel like the bad guy, or that you are making other people unhappy?
Do people initially agree to rules to make someone happy, and then want them to change? What if the rules will never change?

The word boundary seems to be more useful than rule. Yes, boundaries can be flexible, and can shift, depending on people's comfort levels and changing needs. Everyone's feelings are important, and boundaries need to be able to create as much equal comfort and joy as possible.

What about alone time, and privacy? How do people do that? Are things scheduled?

Yes.

It seems like there isn't much excitement in scheduling sex and things.

Huh, if you've ever lived with your parents while being sexually active, or had kids, you know sex needs to be scheduled.

Do people all share one bedroom usually?

Rarely, it seems.

Good list of questions!

 

[GroundedSpirit]

I am wondering how people work out a triad situation and manage to keep everyone in the situation happy....

Hello Abstract,

You have a lot of very legitimate questions there, far too many to try to address in one or a dozen posts. I'd recommend that you just spend some time browsing here, using the search features as Redpepper recommended, to pick particular topics of interest.

The long and the short of it is this. Poly relationship include people. So all of the things the make people happy and unhappy are components, and that varies as much as humans vary. It's all about good communication and striking a balance that makes as many people as happy/fulfilled as can be reasonably achieved. Nobody gets everything they want (rarely, at least) and what you do get requires some serious effort, like most anything else.

Most of the questions you raise are just the usual questions pertaining to social interaction. What the answer will be depends on the people involved, but I'm sure what you know about people will apply here also. Most of it is common sense and consideration.

Feel free to come back with specific questions if you don't get any insights from seeing what's already been posted before you.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks to everyone for your posts.

I see now that I also misused some terminology. Although I am not very new to poly, I am still new enough. I am new to having a name for it and being able to have people to talk to about it, so I never really learned what labels other people used to explain their situations.

At this present moment it's just me and my partner. We have lived with one of her BFs before. I think I said triad, but what I meant was 'V'. I guess I am asking most of my questions based on that experience. I am trying to figure out if it's the person we chose to have move in with us that didn't work, or if it was the situation that didn't work, or both.

I am totally okay with my partner having a BF, or BFs, but the living together I really struggled with. We have talked about at some point trying that again. Or at least we don't want to be closed off to the possibility.

I read a lot of the posts, and look up many of my questions. I just figured everyone situation is very different, so I asked questions, rather than put my issues out there. People would just tell me what works for them, rather than try and tell me what might work in my situation. Plus it is a way not to bring the past "bad" experience into this, and get a list of all the things we did wrong. I just wanted to focus on what we could do better in the future.

Thank you, everyone!

 

[redpepper]

I am trying to figure out if it's the person we chose to have move in with us that didn't work, or if it's the situation that didn't work.

I am totally ok with my partner having a BF, or BFs, but the living together I really struggled with. We have talked about at some point trying that again. Or at least we don't want to be closed off to the possibility.

It's working for us. But everyone is different.

 

[IndieSolo]

I am totally ok with my partner having a BF, or BFs, but the living together I really struggle with.

There's no requirement in poly for all people involved to live together! If it's not comfortable to add someone to your home, don't do it! Especially if the relationship is new, like less than a year old-- you need time to grow to know someone. It can still be a loving, nurturing relationship with separate living spaces. Some people divide their time during the week at two homes. (Read Vodkafan's threads about that.) You certainly don't have to move the bf or any other lovers in with you. It's not indicative of something wrong or incorrect if you don't.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for your reply, NYCindie. I know that we don't have to move anyone in. I always feel a little bit torn between what will make me happiest and what will make my partner happiest.

She has a BF in mind that she would like to have live with us at some point. Her request was that I consider it, which I am trying very hard to do. We have done it once before... you could write a book about all the mistakes we made.

We are pretty new to this. She has been seeing other people for about two years, on and off. Things seem to go pretty well when they don't live with us. When they do, it causes many conflicts. I feel like a lot of the conflicts were my fault.

I am mono. I do better just sharing my space with one partner. I am not so good at sharing it with two.

I see all the good that can come with it, and I also see all the bad.

As a friend, I care very much for this BF of hers, but living-wise I see so many things and habits he has that I just can't deal with.

I want to give it my best effort to consider it. We said we would revisit the topic in 6 months. I guess I am trying to do some serious thinking right now, but I just keep coming back to the fear of history repeating itself.

What would make it different this time?

 

[IndieSolo]

She has a BF that she would like to have live with us at some point.

I am mono. I do better just sharing my space with one partner. I am not so good at sharing it with two.

What would make it different this time?

Well, first of all, a BF is not a commodity to move in or out like a piece of furniture. I'm not saying you two are looking at it that way, but the wording you used comes across somewhat like that. He has feelings, thoughts, and opinions. He might not even want to move in. Does he?

I think what would make it different is everyone sitting down together and communicating about what you'd want from the situation. For you, I would assume private time with your partner, and private space, is a biggie.

I truly have the sense that you want to make your partner happy, to respect her desire to be poly, and you don't want to be difficult. However, maybe she should respect that fact that you are mono and need your space. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not being able to live with her OSO. If she is insistent upon that, she is perhaps being a bit selfish. You don't have to concede everything that makes you happy just to try and make her happy. She's gonna have to find her happiness within the compromise.

Obviously there are cases, like Mono and Redpepper, where the living situation is shared by a mono and poly, but they took a long time to get there, really thought it through very carefully. Mono has a separate living space, an apartment in RP's house. Read Redpepper's blog to learn about it.

There are other situations where the poly partner stays at different places part of the week, and the mono partner has their own space which isn't invaded by the OSO. If living with your partner's OSO has been problematic before, consider that. Read Vodkafan's threads for info on a split week between two places.

 

[Polymonial]

For our V/triad, we're great when we're all living together, and it sucks when one or more of us are apart. But I know other poly groups that are the opposite: it works great for them in separate living arrangements, but they wouldn't want to all live under the same roof. It really depends on what you want as a group.

In any case, I think the key is constant communication. If someone is unhappy about something/anything, then they need to speak up. And everyone else in the tribe needs to listen and be supportive. One of the best pieces of advise came from a RL poly friend of mine when we first created our tribe. He said that being poly is all about talking, talking, and then talking some more, until you're all talked out. It really works.

 

[Abstract]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was referring to her BF as an object. He is not, by any means, an object or without feeling. I love him and care for him very much. I think it might have come across that way, because I am trying to avoid posting too much emotion.

 

[IndieSolo]

I didn't mean to make it sound like I was referring to her BF as an object.

No, I didn't mean to imply that you looked at him that way, just that when you talk about moving someone in or not, it is important to discuss it amongst all three and see what everyone's needs and desires are, rather than just logistics. Actually, I think I'm still not being clear. Sorry.

But now I'm confused. I thought you meant earlier that there is caring and respect for your metamour, but now you say you love your gf's bf. Just trying to get clear on the situation.

 

[Abstract]

I wish that we could split houses, but we have two children, and one is disabled. It is very hard to go days at a time without another adult there to help me. I am very willing to stay home while they go out on dates two nights a week, or even more.

What's important to know is that he practically lives with us already. He is at our house EVERY DAY. He spends many nights at our house. He comes on trips, he is at BBQs, family events, all of that. He is never told that he can't come, or that he is not invited.

He has been told to come by the house whenever he wants, and he takes full advantage.

He talks a lot about his needs not being met, because he doesn't live with us. I think he is mistaken about why his needs are not met. Living with us, he will probably only find that less of his needs are being met.

Am I preventing him from getting his needs met, if he is not living with us?

It's one of the reasons why I question more if it's the person, or just the ability for me to live with one of my partners BF's.

I get along great with this guy, but I frequently tell him having him around is like having another child. I say it jokingly, but I really mean it. He pouts when he is not getting attention, even when it's attention directed at the children. He causes a great deal of drama when he doesn't get his way.

I just find him to be really annoying, I guess.

I want to get over those kinds of things about his personality and just say, "It's not a big deal, who is he hurting?" yet it's one key factor in me not wanting to live with him.

The other problem is that we all see the idea of "living together" meaning something different, as well.

I tend to look at it as meaning a long-term commitment, of sorts.

My partner grew up in a community where she had many brothers and sisters, and several different adult role models, or even parents. Her parents owned a 30-room house. They took in travelers and families. She had different people in and out all the time. She loved many of them, but she never knew how long people were going to be there, days, weeks, months? Some families lived there for years. So she feels like if someone lives with her she is no more or less committed than she would be at any other time.

She really loves how she grew up. She said that she always had friends, and always had adults around to take interest in what she was doing, her hobbies and all of that, so she always had someone to relate to.

She talks a lot about wanting to have this type of life again. About building more houses on our property, and having family and friends live there. That, I really wouldn't mind, being that we both live far from our families.

I know that Braden (that is what I will call BF) sees it as a bigger commitment, as well. He talks about what he wants to change when and if he moves in, and so forth. Now, I am not saying he shouldn't have say in house rules and so forth, but he is referring to more of how he wants his relationship to change. For example, because she and I have an agreement that she will not date women, he wants her to say that if he moves in she will not see other men.

For her and me, this not really an agreement. It's actually her preference not to be with other women, not my rule, although I admit its one I have grown to like.

If she doesn't want to see other men, I think that is fine, but she has expressed to me that it's not really what she wants.

I know Braden wants "equality." I think that is why he desires to move in so much. Wanting equality is very understandable. I am just not sure moving in is going to get it for him.

Likewise, does he want equality or control? I suppose that is a loaded question.

My partner really hasn't put any pressure on me. In fact, she hasn't mentioned it in like two months. I think I am putting the pressure on myself. She says she will be happy either way. I know he won't be happy if I say no, but he doesn't know that she has asked me to think about it. We don't want to get his hopes up. We also don't want him to blame me. So we just tell him that it is too soon right now, and that we all need to be ready to talk about it all together, and that we are not.

 

[Abstract]

LOL
Sorry, my feelings for him confuse me sometimes, as well. You're not the only one. I love him, but it's a complicated emotion. I am not sure what that love means for me... or how to express it. It takes on different meanings all the time. Sometimes he is like a brother, almost, and other times like my kid, and other times I love him simply because I see how much my partner loves him. He has so many child-like tendencies that it's hard for me to relate to him as I would another adult. He is incredibly mature in some ways, but emotionally he is very co-dependent.

 

[Magdlyn]

I had to check out your intro thread.

I am a lesbian, and my partner, although she hates the label, is "bisexual..."

Okay. So, you are a monoamorous lesbian and your partner is a polyamorous bisexual woman. She has a bf and he comes over most days. You've told her she can't see any other women, and Braden has said that if he moves in, she can't see other men either!

Yikes. Does she really want to date other women/men? Would she really forget about all other men just because Braden moved in?

I can understand if she is used to living in a sort of tribal situation in her upbringing (30 rooms? wow!) that she'd be all la di dah about just one guy moving in with you all. Does she understand you find him immature, pouty and too needy for you to imagine living with him? Does she know you're busy enough raising actual kids (one disabled, no less) without taking on Braden's stuff?

It sounds to me like not only do you not want him to move in, you'd really rather he came around less often, and slept at your house less often, as well. You find him annoying, and you feel he is invading your space, don't you?

 

[Abstract]

You almost got it right. I never told her she could not be with other women. That was what she told me she wanted. If she said she wanted to see other women, it would be harder, but I would be okay with it.

I am not sure why he says he doesn't want her seeing other men if he moves in. Maybe it's like an ego thing. "If she's gonna be my only girl, then I am gonna be her only guy," on his part. I am not sure.

She tells him that she will not agree to that. I's not something that will work for her. So he will say things like, "Well, that's ok. I guess I'll just have to be happy with living with you, then." A few days later he is back to "Why do you need other men when you have me?"

She very much understands the situation with our son, as he is her biological son. I am not left to "fend" for myself, but I do take care of many of the household responsibilities, including the kids, on my own, when she is not home. She won't go away for days at a time. That is why living apart will never really work. She knows that would be unfair. She is a very hands-on parent. I don't think she wishes to be away from the kids for that long.

It is also why Braden spends so much time at our house. That, and he hates his own home. He lives in an apartment attached to his relatives' land. They treat him very badly because of him being bisexual, and whatever else they can think of. He is not deserving of their treatment towards him.

She knows I think he is immature, and that I find him to be annoying. She doesn't offer up much disagreement to it, either. So I am not sure if she just has a better tolerance for it, or what.

"We," more so her than me, kind of take care of him like he is a kid, I think. I pointed it out to her a few weeks ago. I thought about it. I said, like, we buy him clothes, he is on our cell phone plan, he eats our food, we help him with paperwork, we give him gas money.... Hmm. Why do I feel like I am going to be doing the same thing for our other kid in two years?

He does do plenty of things for us, as well. I am not trying to diminish what he does. He helps do outdoor things around our house. He spends time with the kids. He has seen them off to school a few times for us. We are doing some remodeling and he helps with that, and he will buy groceries now and then.

He can actually be a lot of fun too! I am not going to say that I don't have fun with him, or that he is not a really good person. He is awesome in smaller doses!

I do feel like my space is invaded! Thanks! You nailed it! I feel very guilty though, when I feel that way or say it. I feel like if I am asking for alone time, I am making both of them unhappy. He feels let out, and she feels bad that he feels left out.

 

[Magdlyn]

Ach. Of course you need alone time. Most of us do. Some people are introverts and get really worn out after being with others too much.

I am fairly extroverted but really enjoy my "me time."

Hm, so he isn't actually having sex with your gf? Why not?

He's bisexual but doesn't want male lovers? Why not? Is he asexual and just biamorous? Does your gf want to have sex with him and he won't, or is there some other reason this guy that is over all the time isn't actually having sex with his gf?

Braden doesn't get along with his parents/relatives and so he wants to escape. Why live with you two? Why not get roommates in an apartment like most young men that don't want to live with their parents do?

To me, any guy that feels jealous when the kids are getting the attention he feels he deserves, is immature and needy and probably has low self esteem. My ex-husband (note, ex), father of our kids, used to resent the attention our young children needed and took it out on me in passive-aggressive ways.

How old are your kids?