Triad... ????

K

kapablekeri

New member
Good Evening,

I posted a very long arduous convoluted post the other night. I am trying a different tack.

I have an idea of what I want for a triad. I would like to know if anyone could give me some examples of triads that worked for them, or what they consider a triad would be.

I am not interested in a vee. Admittedly, I haven't read a whole lot of posts, but the ones I have talk about a hinge.
Wouldn't that make it a vee instead of a triad?
Isn't a triad supposed to be equal footing on all sides?

Any information about triads, successful, unsuccessful, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
K
 
Brief synopsis

Short synopsis of what I posted the other night--

My female partner, Cace, just told me she only wants to be my best friend. This is the third time in the past two years that she has done this. I am fearful that she is monogamous and continues lying about being polyamorous just to be with Bennet. I am really struggling with this. Bennet loves her to pieces. She loves him with everything in herself.

I love and care for Cace, but I've pulled back. I don't want to lay my heart on the line again, just for her to do this again in six months. I am watching Bennet be torn apart because he wants a triad. He has asked her to move out. He's a mess, I'm a mess, she's a mess. It's a friggin' nightmare.

I am hoping that someone can share what their healthy triad looks like, so I might have some ideas that make me feel comfortable going back into the ring, or to help me determine if I should find a new ring. Or maybe my idea of what I want for a triad is just completely unworkable. I don't know. Thanks for any help.
 
Successful triads, in my experience, most often just fall together almost accidentally. Trying to create one by design seems to have poor results. So by the same note, unsuccessful triads, or any relationship, are often the result of design and specifications. It seems the best concept is just to be open and aware as people come into and out of our lives. Things can spark and grow totally unexpectedly. First you have to notice them, then nurture them.
 
Lots of grey area between a vee and a triad

We call ourselves a triad, and for all practical purposes we are one. But we definitely started as a vee, and even to this day, we still have vee-like patterns here and there.

For example, the one who was our hinge (M) is still the one who sleeps in the middle 99% of the time. Occasionally he'll be the one who acts like a group leader, too. Now, part of that could just be him being the alpha male, or the fact he's the oldest of the three. But more likely it's just that he's still used to being the hinge, and that will always be a part of him in this relationship.

C and I still work to strengthen our bond whenever possible, but no matter what we do, the fact is that if it weren't for M, we probably wouldn't have been more than casual friends. But that does not mean we don't love each other very much! We still call each other boyfriends or partners too. So we're still a triad. And I will always try to find new ways to build more of a bond with him. But again, M was the one who brought us together. He's the connecting factor.
 
I suggest you follow Neon's links and see what you find. Triads have been much talked about here, I am sure that you will find some useful and interesting threads if you do a search.

The relationship dynamic I am in is a vee by sex only. This seems to be the case with most established vees. There is often not much future in a vee where the parties are not equal in terms of status. Not to say that longevity is the goal, but it quite often is.

In my experience, a metamour relationship between all parties is necessary in order to sustain a relationship. My husband PN and bf Mono are very good friends. They are closer to each other than anyone in their lives, besides me. They really are the backbone to the success of our relationship. If they had not ended up being close friends I would not be with either of them today. I fully believe that. I rely on them to keep their friendship together in order for "us" to succeed.

Some people seem to think that in order for a relationship to be a triad, everyone should be having sex. That is not necessarily worth pursuing, I don't think. Some people think that if you are in a vee, then the two arms are not close, are completely separate from one another; again, not necessarily the case. Most long-standing vees make me think of a "hug" more than a vee. I am the body, they are the arms crossed over in a such a way as we are all giving ourselves a hug.

Have you seen the book, The Hug? Its a kid's book with a cover that makes me think of vees. Great book, btw.
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I think the concept of "equal footing" is an artifical product that probably has no validity when real emotions are involved. To seek it out seems to be more like looking for someone to fulfill a contract between three people. Triads are viable, I know of one in particular that is thriving after much struggle and finding a workable balance. Even in that case, there is an acknowledged difference between primary and secondary relationships (for lack of a better word). There is no illusion about everything being equal, it seems. They are all in love, however, and so they continue on without any notion that everything will be "equal."
 
it has been a while since I posted

My triad, for the tiny little time it existed (February-August of last year), worked beautifully. It broke up due to outside influences, but it was a kind and thoughtful friendship between my husband, my secondary and and me. They often did things together without me. We all played music together. We shared meals. I spent time with my secondary at his home. On the rare occasion, my husband went there as well, although mostly they spent their time together on outings and building things. It was quite harmonious, for the most part.

I don't have that now, but things are okay. I am still free to come and go as I please. I have never contacted my former secondary, as I felt crushed when it ended, not even maintaining a friendship (his choice).

I certainly hope another relationship could happen again, but it would be hard to repeat, for me. My primary relationship almost came apart when the other relationship ended, but we seem to be getting stronger now, and I appreciate my husband more, possibly, than I did before. Sadly, my husband misses my ex sometimes. He does wonder why we couldn't maintain the friendship. Maybe someday we'll see him again, but I don't know. I will not be the one to seek him out.

I think it was most successful when we all did things together like a family. That's what it felt like.

I hope you can find some peace in what you are looking for.
 
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