Trying to process feelz

Y

Yalana

New member
Hey folks, been around a while but not posted. Hoping to get some views on what to do with my current situation.

Back story -
Polyamorous for 8+ years, I currently have a NP and a partner I dont live with. Partner is incredibly parallel, it's not my first choice, I'm quite fond of kitchen table but it is their choice to make and I'm supportive of that.
NP has never once pressured anything or even asked past learning what Partners preferences with that are.

Now -
NP has a new woman in his life. I'll call her Sally. I dont know much about Sally apart from that she has a wife and lives about 15 minutes away. NP has been on a few dates with Sally, is experiencing a little NRE and it's all very cute and nice to see. He has been without another partner for a while and I love seeing him happy.

Feelz situation-
Sally would like NP to meet her wife. NP is pretty laid back in his relationship style and is happy with almost any kind of set up, so has no problem with that. However, Sally does not also want to meet me. She would like NP to spend time at her place with her and her wife, but has no interest in the rest of his life whatsoever. I'm understanding of personal choices, and that is obviously her decision to make, but its making me feel...I'm not really sure? If Sally wanted to keep their relationship parallel, I think that would feel normal to me. But to want to bring NP into a sort of kitchen table set up there, but not here, feels a little like ignoring that he has me and his children? I realise my feelings on this are something I need to work though and am hoping you lovely people have some wise words for me?
 
Yalana said:
Hey folks,

I've been around a while but have not posted. I'm hoping to get some views on what to do with my current situation.

Back story -
I've been polyamorous for 8+ years. I currently have a NP and a Partner I don't live with. Partner is incredibly parallel. It's not my first choice, as I'm quite fond of kitchen table. But it is their choice to make and I'm supportive of that.

NP has never once pressured for anything or even asked, past learning what Partner's preferences with that are.

Now -
NP has a new woman in his life. I'll call her Sally. I don't know much about Sally, apart from the fact that she has a wife and lives about 15 minutes away. NP has been on a few dates with Sally, and is experiencing a little NRE. It's all very cute and nice to see. He has been without another partner for a while and I love seeing him happy.

Feelz situation-
Sally would like NP to meet her wife. NP is pretty laid back in his relationship style and is happy with almost any kind of set up, so he has no problem with that. However, Sally does not want to meet me. She would like NP to spend time at her place with her and her wife, but has no interest in the rest of his life, whatsoever.

I'm understanding of personal choices, and that is obviously her decision to make, but its making me feel... I'm not really sure how I feel. If Sally wanted to keep their relationship parallel, I think that would feel normal to me. But to want to bring NP into a sort of kitchen table set up there, but not here, feels a little like ignoring that he has me and his children.

I realise my feelings on this are something I need to work though. I am hoping you lovely people have some wise words for me.
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You say Sally is a new gf for your NP. She wants him to come to her place for dates. That feels safe to her. Since he'll be over there, he'll be introduced to her wife. That just makes sense.

I can see you'd feel a little left out. My suggestion is to try not to stress or take it personally. Give it some time. Maybe Sally will want to meet you eventually. There's no rush.
 
Sorry, looking back I missed some info, my bad. It's a couple months new rather than brand new, but I understand what you mean.

Dates tend to happen whenever they both want them to, and she has no problem having dates at NP and my home (they have done a few times) just issues with meeting me. I only know about him meeting wife because he ran plans by me to make sure I was around for the kids and he mentioned going up there to meet and get to know her wife - he has had dates at Sally's home before but not yet met Sally's wife.
 
Yalana said:
Sorry, looking back I missed some info, my bad. It's a couple months new rather than brand new, but I understand what you mean.

Dates tend to happen whenever they both want them to, and she has no problem having dates at NP and my home (they have done a few times) just issues with meeting me.
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Well, that's not fair! What, you have to go hide in your bedroom or leave the house when she comes over? That's kind of rude/ridiculous. You can tell NP it's your house and you'll go into whatever room you want, unless he is off having sex in the guest room or whatever.

You can choose to make yourself scarce, if you wish, but that would be a kindness, and it's something you and NP should decide, not something Sally gets to dictate.

Your house, your rules.


I only know about him meeting wife because he ran plans by me to make sure I was around for the kids and he mentioned going up there to meet and get to know her wife - he has had dates at Sally's home before but not yet met Sally's wife.
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I don't hide away and if I don't want to go out, they go somewhere else, but I don't mind that bit. Partner lives alone and I go see them, or a friend I'm close to, plus I care for my disabled sister so I have plenty going on outside the home and am only in the house a couple of evenings a week anyway. I'm more struggling with a feeling I'm not sure I have the right words for. Sort of like Sally wants to ignore the existence of me and our children, like we are inconvenient to how she would like things to be if that makes sense? I'm trying to figure out how best to work through it by myself.
 
Yalana said:
NP and my home
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This is off-topic, but if this was reddit, I would give you some kind of award or trophy for saying this instead of "NP and I's home", which to me reads like the sound of fingernails-on-chalkboard.

Please excuse the interruption. You can return to your regular discussion now.:cool:
 
Yalana said:
I'm more struggling with a feeling I'm not sure I have the right words for. Sort of like Sally wants to ignore the existence of me and our children, like we are inconvenient to how she would like things to be if that makes sense? I'm trying to figure out how best to work through it by myself.
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I think you've identified this well. Say Sandra was your partner. She wanted you to meet her wife, but didn't want to meet your nesting partner and kids. That would probably make you feel wary that she was psychologically avoiding the reality that you, too, had a partner. Perhaps you would ask Sandra what's up with that. She might explain that she's nervous meeting other people's partner's, or she has limited social energy and doesn't need/want to spend it with your family. She'd rather just spend with you. Maybe Sandra's explanation would be enough for you to understand her view. However, on the surface, her avoidance of your extended household could be a red flag for you. Something you need to unpack with Sandra before you can feel comfortable continuing the relationship.

Now of course you're not dating Sally, NP is. So it's not for you to raise this with Sally. However you could raise your thoughts with NP. Not requiring him to ask anything of Sally, or even have the answers. Just to voice your concerns. Hopefully NP has a response that will ease your mind, even if it's just feeling better being heard.

Or you could continue to process your feelings yourself, as you're doing here.

Your feelings are understandable to me. I'd feel a bit wonky in that situation, for similar reasons to what you're raising (I think). It's because this behaviour is what someone would do if they were avoiding the poly-reality of a partner's life. But it's also behaviour that might stem from something else less problematic. It's for NP to work out, really, but it emotionally impacts you too so it's fair enough to work through with NP imo.
 
I just want to ask where your kids are when Sally comes over? Does she just come over when they're in bed?

I mean, I get it that you respect that NP and Sally appreciate the privacy when you go out. I have a nesting partner too. When I had bfs over in the past (I'm not seeing anyone right now), we'dstay on different floors of our house sometimes. We have a basement family room. She can go down there (with her food or drinks) and watch TV or be on her computer or whatever. And she also has a bf living nearby to go see and vacate the premises entirely.

We used to not "sexile" her, but since we are 2 women, sometimes my bfs would get.... um, confused that they might have a chance at a threesome. So after much trial and error, we've decided to do more parallel poly. But we don't pretend either of us is single. We both talk about each other to our partners as needed.

I don't hang out with her bf much either. She goes to his place. He's introverted. Once in a rare while we might get together. I was finally invited to his place for dinner this summer (after 7 years), but that's mostly because we're all in the same Covid germ bubble and were starving for company (since we're all working from home).
 
She comes round either when they are in bed or they're with me. A few of my friends have kids they get on really well with and we live in an area that has a lot of local wildlife spots they love visiting. It has been mentioned by NP that he would like Sally to meet the kids properly, I'm not completely sure were she stands on that but I feel funny about that one too. The only girlfriend of NP's that has been an actual presence in my childrens lives is still very much a friend because of how she is with my them, and we (me + NP's ex) make sure they still get time with her. I'm not sure where I stand on someone in their lives I dont even get to meet.
My Partner has no interest in children whatsoever and wont ever be in their lives so whilst I feel slightly hypocritical given that Partner has not spent time with NP, it does feel a little different also.
 
Hello Yalana,

Honestly, it sounds like Sally almost has a kind of double standard, where she (Sally) gets to have multiple partners, but her partners only get to have one partner. So if one of her partners (NP) has another partner (you), Sally will just pretend that that other partner doesn't exist. I would say that Sally is the one who has issues here, you are not the one who has issues, the reaction you're having is a normal/natural response to things being wonky. Perhaps the thing to do is to tell NP that *you'd* like to meet Sally. I don't know. At the least I'd say it's permissible for you to let NP know that you are uncomfortable with (that part of) the situation.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I am not a KTP person so this doesn't seem strange to me at all. I am wondering though if this might have to do with her partner feeling insecure about her dating a man (or it could just be about her partner being insecure with her dating anybody). Often one's insecure partner requests to get to know a meta in order to make them feel more secure.

Is she refusing to meet you or did she just indicate a preference of not meeting you? Is it not meeting you or not hanging out with you? Personally, I prefer not to meet. I won't refuse to meet, but I have never had a real interest in hanging out with metas. Maybe she'll meet when she gets more comfortable with the idea.

As for meeting the kids, that's NP's idea. The two of you should have some rules concerning this, but they shouldn't be based on some tit for tat thing. It should be based on how long he's known her, how serious they are, things like that.

Above all, don't take this personally. I mean, she hasn't even met you to have an opinion of you, lol. Some people just don't want to meet people they don't have to meet. Isn't your other partner like that?
 
I asked NP for some clarification on a few things and he was willing to talk about it

Last month -
*He asked Sally if she would be willing to meet our kids as the relationship progresses. Sally says she would love to
*He then asks Sally if she would meet me, Sally says she does not like to meet her partners other women. He tells Sally he is a little disappointed because there is a convention he goes to with me every year he would like to invite her to, but he understands. Sally says she would love to go but only if I don't.

Last week-
*Sally asks if NP would meet her wife to make overnights at their home easier. NP says sure and they arrange that.
*Sally suggests a day out as a way of meeting the kids before they go back to school. NP says he would love to do that, but a different day out because we have the same place booked as a trip for daughters birthday in two months. Sally says it doesnt matter if they go twice as it's fun place to go. NP unsure and says he will talk to me.
*Sally not happy with that and says his kids too shouldn't need to talk to me.

Vinsanity,
I *think* I'm more put out that Sally wants to meet the kids but not their mother, and that she wants to bring NP into her life ignoring a bit part of his, but I'm unsure. I hope it's not a little tit for tat but I'll dig a bit deeper there.

I'm feeling a bit awful at the moment because I agree with Sally, NP does not need my permission to take his children on a day out, but at the same time I have said I do not want them going on that particular day trip. It's not somewhere they have been before, and between work and finances it's not something we can afford often. I'm so excited to surprise Daughter on her birthday and spend that day with them. It's a bit...between a rock and a hard place?

I think if meeting Sally's wife hadnt come up, it wouldn't be giving me pause, I've met 2 previous partners of NP's at their request and, whilst KTP is great and much easier with the little people to juggle, it's not like it's a need for me. Maybe its purely childish in a 'what about me' kinda way.
Like - what about making it easier to be around my home rather than just waiting until I'm not around
Or - spending time with the children without meeting their mother
Or - silly day trips to places with my kids that they will love that I dont get to be a part of.
There's also the fact it feels very strange to me talking about his relationship this much. Usually I get informed of plans if I need to be, told when he's going out and we talk about the big financial stuff (legally married) like vacations so we can work out what he can afford.

Thanks for your thoughts so far. I'll think on them all.
 
Yalana said:
*Sally suggests a day out as a way of meeting the kids before they go back to school. NP says he would love to do that, but a different day out because we have the same place booked as a trip for daughters birthday in two months. Sally says it doesnt matter if they go twice as it's fun place to go. NP unsure and says he will talk to me.
*Sally not happy with that and says his kids too shouldn't need to talk to me.
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This one rubs me the wrong way. You are both parents and partners, and it's a *good* thing to discuss these plans with each other, and you have your own (non-arbitrary) reasons for not being fond of that particular plan. Does she expect to meet the kids and not have *them* mention you as well?
 
Not a fan of Sally's double standards (come meet my wife but I won't meet yours) and disrespectful behaviours (screw your special plans for your daughter's birthday).
I totally agree that place is not somewhere they should go with her since you have the surprise planned and they haven't been there before. I hope NP doesn't let Sally bulldoze him on this one.
I honestly wouldn't be taking the kids to meet her at all with that attitude.
I call this a red flag.
 
*Sally suggests a day out as a way of meeting the kids before they go back to school. NP says he would love to do that, but a different day out because we have the same place booked as a trip for daughters birthday in two months. Sally says it doesnt matter if they go twice as it's fun place to go. NP unsure and says he will talk to me.
*Sally not happy with that and says his kids too shouldn't need to talk to me.
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So basically she wants NP to chuck over the special bday plans you both made for daughter because she wants to meet up at Special Place with her kids instead? She doesn't think coparents need to talk to each other?

I'd expect NP to stand firm. He doesn't have to talk to you about it on this one.

He can flat out tell her "Happy to get the kids together, but nope. Already have plans for my kid's bday and I'm not wrecking it."

Like stand firmer.

Galagirl
 
I didn't get the impression that Sally had her own kids. Just that a fun place would be an easy introduction.

We're in agreement though, regardless if Sally has kids.

Honestly, she sounds like trouble.
 
Agree. Just weird vibes whether or not Sally has her own kids.

And I'm surprised/disappointed in NP not standing more firm.

There are other fun places for Sally to meet NP and Yalana's children.

It doesn't have to wreck the surprise bday plans that the parents already have in place for family time. Esp if it took some trouble to arrange the surprise with work schedules and budget. It's not like going to the playground and ice-cream on a whim.

Galagirl
 
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Evie said:
Not a fan of Sally's double standards (come meet my wife but I won't meet yours) and disrespectful behaviours (screw your special plans for your daughter's birthday).
I totally agree that place is not somewhere they should go with her since you have the surprise planned and they haven't been there before. I hope NP doesn't let Sally bulldoze him on this one.
I honestly wouldn't be taking the kids to meet her at all with that attitude.
I call this a red flag.
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To me, it sounds like Sally needs NP to stay over to facilitate their relationship and therefore it is best for NP to meet her wife. NP asked Sally to meet OP so they can share space at events and that's not necessary like having a place to stayover.
 
I've tried to get some answers for my own peace of mind but I've been told NP and Sally are discussing it all and if there is something I need to know, I'll know. I'm respecting that but it is difficult with the odd niggles I'm getting.

Few clarifications - Sally doesn't have children.
Sally's wife works away from home 2 weeks out of 4 so they have overnights. At my home too, either when grandparents have the children - they like to have overnights every other weekend - and I stay at my Partners, or occasionally when we (kids + me) have a night at my friends house with her kids.

I'm doing my very best to provide space and time for NP to maintain his relationship, but I did have to draw the line at the day out. I'm not compromising on the birthday surprise issue and NP does agree with me.
 
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