Thank you for more info. That helps paint a clearer picture.
You have known him for a year but only dated a few months. And you are trying to trust again after a previous poly experience that had a lot of lies and dishonesty. So this time around, you want honesty, truth, and clear boundaries along with a clear structure. Is that true?
It sounds like you want to know if he considers you a booty call, a FWB, a GF or what. Because so far it's been 1 date, a lot of sex, and daily phone calls. You want to know what you both are shooting for here so you know how much time, energy, effort to spend on this one.
I'm wondering why you seem to be waiting around for him to decide what this is? Like passive? Rather than YOU decide what you are and are not up for and telling him simply? Then asking him what he's up for?
- If you are up for booty calls? Fine. Then align your behavior to this. Stop doing romantic dates, and don't do daily chit chat phone calls. It's just casual sex. Phone calls and text is to arrange the next hook up.
- If you are up for FWB? Fine. Then align your behavior to this. No romantic dates. Just friends who hang out sometimes. And sometimes call to chit chat. The "we are friends" behaviors are the main thing. And the "benefits" behaviors are not -- it just means sex once in a while.
- If you are up for poly BF? And you are trying to find some balance? Not always sex? Then make some time for other activities like romantic dates. If you want to introduce him to your friends, ask him if he's ready for that and what he wants to be called, and then get on with it. If you want to meet his people? Say so.
I know the last poly experience was ugh, but you don't have to let that cast a shadow over THIS experience. This new partner and you get to create THIS experience together.
And if this dating partner isn't a match because of whatever? It's ok to part ways and end it peacefully.
Because not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner. Dating is when you sort out the compatible ones out from the incompatible ones.
So... date him and get on with the sorting.
None of us live together and no one is talking about it.
Why would you be talking about it? You have only been dating a few months. Moving in together too fast would be a mistake.
Also sounds like he just got out of a divorce. He might enjoy being on his own for a while.
And then some people never want to live together or don't want to live with children.
I haven't been introduced to anyone but his oldest kid and his roommate knows about me.
Would you like to meet more of his people? If so, could tell him you are up for that. Could ask him to introduce you when he's ready.
I asked him to clarify but am still waiting on answers. I don't want to tell people I have a bf if he truly sees me as only secondary. I want to introduce him to my friends but if I'm nothing but secondary then do I bother getting my feelings involved?
I correct it in the quote where you said "primary" because I think you meant "secondary."
To me feelings ensue after behavior. Either action behavior or thinking behavior.
Usually sharing regular sex with people leads to "having feelings" for them. And your feelings are already involved from the sound of it.
What are you trying to protect yourself from? Or rather... what feelings are you trying to change or curb?
"Secondary" doesn't mean you have no value or are a doormat. It just means you get less time with him. Maybe a few times a month or something. You are still treated with respect and care when you DO share that time together. Maybe you don't want to be primary -- you want to be dedicated to your career, or date someone else already who is your primary. Or he's doing those things.
But if it's that you don't like doing that primary-secondary model at all? Don't.
Tell him what open/poly models you DO prefer. See what lines up or not.
do I allow myself to fall in love and be hurt.
That is a normal risk to dating. Sometimes things pan out. Sometimes they don't, feelings get hurt and people sort out whatever it is. Or feelings get hurt and people break up. Then they heal from the break up and move on.
Is it that you started dating too soon after the last time and you weren't totally healed yet? So now it's making you hesitate in participating fully here in this new one?
He was married and his "primary" was in a relationship with him and his wife. His wife left and outed him and her so they stayed together after the divorce.
He has told me that she is only primary because people found out they were together with his wife.
I'll be honest. His reason for calling the other GF "primary" sounds dumb to me. Just because him, his ex-wife, and the GF where in a polyship? And then his ex-wife outted him as poly and divorced him? So the other GF was the only one left?
That's the only reason he calls her his primary? So
what? Anyone could have been the one left after the divorce.
I'd rather he tell me up front this other GF is primary because that's the partner he wants to spend the most time with. Like a "real" reason and not just "happened to be here" reason. Because I might have my own primary -- my career, and I only want to be a part time GF. Or my own primary person, or whatever.
Is that the problem? You are up for participating in a primary-secondary model and have no issues if he wants her to be the primary. But you think he was trying to soft pedal it at you rather than just telling you straight up? And because of your previous poly relationship had lies and dishonesty you prefer he just tell you things straight up and not pussy foot around?
Is it okay for my position to fall in love or develop feelings.
Sure. Why not? What are you afraid of? Feelings are just feelings. Some are fun like sunny skies and some are less fun like stormy clouds. But all of them pass, and new ones happen. It's on your to do your own emotional management.
If you don't WANT to develop deep feelings here? Dial back your behaviors you do with him and adjust your expectations.
- A booty call is a booty call.
- A friend is a friend.
- A FWB is a FWB, but it's friend FIRST, benefits last.
- A GF is a GF.
I know you said you don't like "labels" but sometimes they are useful so people are on the same page with expectations of behavior and maintaining personal boundaries. A friend or GF might help you shop for your mother's birthday present. A booty call does not.
I have anxiety. I don't like "fuzzy stuff" or "floating along into stuff." I like clear agreements and definitions.
I'm happy when I know what my structure is, where I stand.
Then PARTICIPATE in this relationship. It's ok that you take up the space you do in the world. You don't have to hang back all timid.
A few months in is still the "getting to know you" phase. So get to know him.
Ask the questions you need to ask. State what you are and are not willing to put up with. Ask what he is willing/not willing to put up with.
Get on with figuring out how compatible this guy actually is. It's ok to enjoy the process and enjoy how this one unfolds. It's ok to relax some.
It's ok to think to yourself "Ok, I didn't like the last time I did poly. So if anything hinky happens HERE, I'm out. I can just end this. I don't have to put up with any shenanigans."
You don't have to be afraid if you can trust yourself to take care of you.
That would be my suggestion.
Galagirl