Two gay guys new to this.

GayDad

New member
My husband and I have decided to seek a third. We have been together for 7 years and married for half of that. We are wonderful together and we love each other more daily it seems, BUT we are both Tops. We have been completely monogamous for these 7 years. Sex has always been "good" lots of oral which can be hot. So we will be seeking a 3rd for a committed relationship, to share in our lives, and happiness. Also of course to bottom. Im 53, husband is 29. Will be looking for someone younger than him. Have discovered that is is all exhausting. Everyone wants hookups, but of course the rest isnt what ppl want. We will be patient.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but...

I would recommend doing a search for unicorn hunting and reading the threads/advice associated with that. It's usually geared towards a hetero couple seeking a bi woman "to share" but likely is applicable here as well.

The gist of you what you will find is that deciding the relationship structure someone will have and having set requirements to make them appealing to both members of an already established couple can be super hurtful and lead to downright abusive relationships quite easily.

What happens if you meet a guy who starts out into this triad/being "a third" idea but then he develops more of a relationship with one of you than the other so it isn't all even? If he decides he's not sexually or emotionally interested in one of you so wants to break up or de-escalate one relationship? If he decides he IS into both of you but also wants to date others? Are you prepared to make space for each dyad (you and partner, you and new guy, partner and new guy) to date and bond as well as dating/bonding as a group?

Triads occur frequently and can be quite happy for all involved, but the ones that work best are often the ones that occur organically and with plenty of space and respect for all involved to negotiate and communicate their wants and needs.

There's a lot to think about and figure out when changing relationship structure/looking for new partners. Seeking out a community like this is an awesome first step. Welcome. ☺️
 

GayDad

New member
Thank you for the help. We are being super mindful here and we are not doing random 3somes... Certainly many many gay couples are "open" in fact we do not know of one that isnt (we were it). But being open with some structure is different than trying to share a life with someone together. We do have a date setup this weekend with someone that i know from my past. The chance of one attraction to one and not the other is something we have talked about, we will date long enough to see if that will be an issue. We will over communicate. As for him dating others we will have that conversation when the time comes as well. We have not come at this lightly and we both realize we think the pitfalls and advantages to a poly relationship. I dont think hurtful or abuse in in my husband or myself's dna but we will certainly be careful around that.

Ill post any dilemmas. :)
I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but...

I would recommend doing a search for unicorn hunting and reading the threads/advice associated with that. It's usually geared towards a hetero couple seeking a bi woman "to share" but likely is applicable here as well.

The gist of you what you will find is that deciding the relationship structure someone will have and having set requirements to make them appealing to both members of an already established couple can be super hurtful and lead to downright abusive relationships quite easily.

What happens if you meet a guy who starts out into this triad/being "a third" idea but then he develops more of a relationship with one of you than the other so it isn't all even? If he decides he's not sexually or emotionally interested in one of you so wants to break up or de-escalate one relationship? If he decides he IS into both of you but also wants to date others? Are you prepared to make space for each dyad (you and partner, you and new guy, partner and new guy) to date and bond as well as dating/bonding as a group?

Triads occur frequently and can be quite happy for all involved, but the ones that work best are often the ones that occur organically and with plenty of space and respect for all involved to negotiate and communicate their wants and needs.

There's a lot to think about and figure out when changing relationship structure/looking for new partners. Seeking out a community like this is an awesome first step. Welcome. ☺️
 

TinCup

Member
we both realize we think the pitfalls and advantages to a poly relationship.
I just want to reiterate what @AlwaysGrowing brought up. And I'm also not trying to be rude.

What you are talking about isn't just a poly relationship, it's a poly triad. 4 total poly relationships. This is poly turned up to 11.

You can read about the trials and tribulations of such here.

I wish you success!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings GayDad,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a wonderful triad in mind, you know what you want, and you are prepared to have the conversations you need to be having as various situations come up. You know that patience is a must, and that is probably the most important thing to know at this stage. I hope Polyamory.com provides you with the support that you need, transitioning from monogamy to polyamory is a huge change. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

GayDad

New member
I just want to reiterate what @AlwaysGrowing brought up. And I'm also not trying to be rude.

What you are talking about isn't just a poly relationship, it's a poly triad. 4 total poly relationships. This is poly turned up to 11.

You can read about the trials and tribulations of such here.

I wish you success!
I know 8 gay married couples, all are open. two are actually triples. I dont think MMM triads are nearly as rare as the unicorn arrangement. That is a great link and i think much of that does apply to any relationship, the box is something ill make sure we do not make. I have shared it with my husband.
 

GayDad

New member
Greetings GayDad,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a wonderful triad in mind, you know what you want, and you are prepared to have the conversations you need to be having as various situations come up. You know that patience is a must, and that is probably the most important thing to know at this stage. I hope Polyamory.com provides you with the support that you need, transitioning from monogamy to polyamory is a huge change. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Thank you.
 

GayDad

New member
I know 8 gay married couples, all are open. two are actually triples. I dont think MMM triads are nearly as rare as the unicorn arrangement. That is a great link and i think much of that does apply to any relationship, the box is something ill make sure we do not make. I have shared it with my husband.
 

GayDad

New member
@TinCup I over think stuff, and really this is the only real discussion group about POLY relationships. So im here. It would be more useful of course if there were more exclusive gay posters here, i find the various terms used interesting. So many. ill be around here for sure, even if i get yelled at :)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
You might want to read Ostrich's blog in our journal section. He and his partner are gay and attempt to date/have sex with the same person from time to time, with varying degrees of success. They also date separately, which seems to be far less complicated. Group sex and sharing a partner are not required for polyamory.

My partner and I are both female and in our earlier years, when we've tried to overlap our partners to any degree, it seemed to go awry every time, so we've stopped going down that road. I don't see why it would be different for males.

On a related note, I just got recommended the movie "Wilde" (1997) on Hulu and watched it last night. It was about the famous writer Oscar Wilde and his young partner and their forays into sharing sex with others. Sigh... so tragic. Great movie! (Jude Law is always amazing.)
 

GayDad

New member
You might want to read Ostrich's blog in our journal section. He and his partner are gay and attempt to date/have sex with the same person from time to time, with varying degrees of success. They also date separately, which seems to be far less complicated. Group sex and sharing a partner are not required for polyamory.

My partner and I are both female and in our earlier years, when we've tried to overlap our partners to any degree, it seemed to go awry every time, so we've stopped going down that road. I don't see why it would be different for males.

On a related note, I just got recommended the movie "Wilde" (1997) on Hulu and watched it last night. It was about the famous writer Oscar Wilde and his young partner and their forays into sharing sex with others. Sigh... so tragic. Great movie! (Jude Law is always amazing.)
Hi @Magdlyn thank you so much for the information. I will check all of this out. Just because I know a few thruple relationships doesnt mean i think they are healthy (one seems good, the other is a mess) We have a guy spending the whole weekend with us this weekend, that is a start, we will see how that goes. If it doesnt work out, and well things just dont seem likely we will probably just move to just sex relationships together. We will not have separate partners my husband and I. We have no shortage of men offering just sex relationships. Failing that we will just go back to us. I have seen Wilde. It is a great movie. If i seem to have glossed over things here it is just because of brevity not to lack of effort here.
 

GayDad

New member
Hi @Magdlyn thank you so much for the information. I will check all of this out. Just because I know a few thruple relationships doesnt mean i think they are healthy (one seems good, the other is a mess) We have a guy spending the whole weekend with us this weekend, that is a start, we will see how that goes. If it doesnt work out, and well things just dont seem likely we will probably just move to just sex relationships together. We will not have separate partners my husband and I. We have no shortage of men offering just sex relationships. Failing that we will just go back to us. I have seen Wilde. It is a great movie. If i seem to have glossed over things here it is just because of brevity not to lack of effort here.
You might want to read Ostrich's blog in our journal section. He and his partner are gay and attempt to date/have sex with the same person from time to time, with varying degrees of success. They also date separately, which seems to be far less complicated. Group sex and sharing a partner are not required for polyamory.

My partner and I are both female and in our earlier years, when we've tried to overlap our partners to any degree, it seemed to go awry every time, so we've stopped going down that road. I don't see why it would be different for males.

On a related note, I just got recommended the movie "Wilde" (1997) on Hulu and watched it last night. It was about the famous writer Oscar Wilde and his young partner and their forays into sharing sex with others. Sigh... so tragic. Great movie! (Jude Law is always amazing.)
Ostrich's blog is interesting. What an experience. They seem to have dynamics at play that we do not. Hopefully my experience will be a bit different.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I do think, as a general rule, because of our cultural conditioning, it's easier for men to keep sex and emotions separate. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, that's a guy thing, to bury your emotions. So yeah, I know gay guys have lots more casual sex than lesbians, for example. So, sharing a boy for a night with your partner is probably easier than sharing a girl for a night would be for lesbians, or sharing a person of any gender would be for a female/trans/non-binary-pansexual couple like my partner and me. (Shit, is that enough labels? lol)

Again, generally speaking.
 

GayDad

New member
I do think, as a general rule, because of our cultural conditioning, it's easier for men to keep sex and emotions separate. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, that's a guy thing, to bury your emotions. So yeah, I know gay guys have lots more casual sex than lesbians, for example. So, sharing a boy for a night with your partner is probably easier than sharing a girl for a night would be for lesbians, or sharing a person of any gender would be for a female/trans/non-binary-pansexual couple like my partner and me. (Shit, is that enough labels? lol)

Again, generally speaking.
Generally speaking I think you are right. We could for sure if that is what we wanted have a guy over for one night, and then be just fine never seeing him again. Or Seeing him again if it was great sex. As long as that was the expectation. We myself and Johnny are not looking for that however. I chased validation via sex for many years it doesnt lead to happiness. At least for me. I just joined a gay poly fb group. And in a pole more respondents than any other option were singles looking to join into a relationship with a couple. There are many Triads represented in that group and more joining daily along with those seeking. Perhaps it is a bit different in a MMM triad vs a mf chasing the unicorn. Or FF trying to bring in a 3rd for the general emotion thing. In my case we have never been open, neither of us has cheated In 7 years. We are not broken trying to fix something by looking for a third. We have never been happier, and we are willing to be extremely honest with a new boy friend and be a partner with them in determining what the relationship will look like, we are not boing to box that person in before we meet them. Sexually we both are missing something that another can give to both of us, and they get to do that with two IMHO very nice men. While at the same time being treated well, and valued in a relationship. Many of the guys that fit into what we might be looking for have had terrible experiences dating. They attract assholes that cannot separate sex and how you treat someone out of the bed. So we are going to start dating. Right now actually im at work and my Husband is meeting the guy that is spending the next three nights with us. They are going to go grocery shopping, and then go meet our 4 dogs. Ill be home directly. If there is mutual 3 way attraction we will see. We both think he is cute, and I know the guy likes me, Johnny is the one that is new to him. I havent seen im in over 7 years. He knows what we are interested in... we realize and have discussed the possibility he is going to be more interested in me. But knowing this guy, probably not. For him it is about taking care of someone... That is his thing. Attraction is secondary. So well eyes open, heart on the sleeve, and over sharing and deadly honesty is the rule. ... Again thank you and everyone else for the advise and resources. Ill keep yall posted in an appropriate channel.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds promising to me. Looking forward to your updates.
 
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