Two gay guys new to this.

G

GayDad

New member
My husband and I have decided to seek a third. We have been together for 7 years and married for half of that. We are wonderful together and we love each other more daily, it seems. BUT we are both Tops. We have been completely monogamous for these 7 years. Sex has always been "good," with lots of oral, which can be hot.

We are seeking a third for a committed relationship, to share in our lives, and happiness, and also, of course, to bottom. I'm 53, and my husband is 29. We are looking for someone younger than him.

We've discovered that this is all exhausting. Everyone wants hookups, but of course the rest isn't what people want. We will be patient.
 
I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but...

I would recommend doing a search for unicorn hunting and reading the threads/advice associated with that. It's usually geared towards a hetero couple seeking a bi woman "to share," but likely is applicable here, as well.

The gist of you what you will find is that deciding the relationship structure someone will have, and having set requirements to make them appealing to both members of an already established couple, can be super hurtful and lead to downright abusive relationships quite easily.

- What happens if you meet a guy who starts out in this triad/being your "third," but then he develops more of a relationship with one of you than the other, so it isn't all even?
- What if he decides he's not sexually or emotionally interested in one of you, so wants to break up or de-escalate one relationship?
- What if he decides he IS into both of you, but also wants to date others?
Are you prepared to make space for each dyad (you and partner, you and new guy, partner and new guy) to date and bond, as well as dating/bonding as a group?

Triads do occur, and can be quite happy for all involved, but the ones that work best are often the ones that merge organically and with plenty of space and respect for all involved to negotiate and communicate their wants and needs.

There's a lot to think about and figure out when changing relationship structure/looking for new partners. Seeking out a community like this is an awesome first step. Welcome. ☺️
 
Thank you for the help. We are being super mindful here. We are not doing random threesomes. Certainly many gay male couples are "open." In fact, we do not know of one that isn't. (We were it). But being open with some structure is different than trying to share a life with someone together. We do have a date set up this weekend with someone I know, from my past.

The chance of a person being attracted to one and not the other is something we have talked about. We would date them long enough to see if that would become an issue. We will over-communicate. As for him dating others, we will have that conversation when the time comes, as well.

We have not come at this lightly. We both realize (we think) the pitfalls and advantages to a poly relationship. I don't think being hurtful or abusive are in my husband's or my DNA, but we will certainly be careful around that. I'll post any dilemmas.
AlwaysGrowing said:
I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but...

I would recommend doing a search for unicorn hunting and reading the threads/advice associated with that. It's usually geared towards a hetero couple seeking a bi woman "to share," but likely is applicable here, as well.

The gist of you what you will find is that deciding the relationship structure someone will have and having set requirements to make them appealing to both members of an already established couple can be super hurtful and lead to downright abusive relationships quite easily.

- What happens if you meet a guy who starts out into this triad/being "a third" idea but then he develops more of a relationship with one of you than the other so it isn't all even? - What if he decides he's not sexually or emotionally interested in one of you, so wants to break up or de-escalate one relationship? - What if he decides he IS into both of you, but also wants to date others? Are you prepared to make space for each dyad (you and partner, you and new guy, partner and new guy) to date and bond as well as dating/bonding as a group?

Triads do occur and can be quite happy for all involved, but the ones that work best are often the ones that merge organically, and with plenty of space and respect for all involved to negotiate and communicate their wants and needs.
Click to expand...
 
GayDad said:
We both realize (we think) the pitfalls and advantages to a poly relationship.
Click to expand...
I just want to reiterate what @AlwaysGrowing brought up. And I'm also not trying to be rude.

What you are talking about isn't just a polyamorous relationship, it's a poly triad, consisting of 4 total poly relationships. This is poly turned up to 11.

You can read about the trials and tribulations of such here.

I wish you success!
 
Greetings GayDad,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a wonderful triad in mind, you know what you want, and you are prepared to have the conversations you need to be having as various situations come up. You know that patience is a must, and that is probably the most important thing to know at this stage. I hope Polyamory.com provides you with the support that you need, transitioning from monogamy to polyamory is a huge change. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
TinCup said:
I just want to reiterate what @AlwaysGrowing brought up. And I'm also not trying to be rude.

What you are talking about isn't just a polyamorous relationship, it's a poly triad, consisting of 4 total poly relationships. This is poly turned up to 11.

You can read about the trials and tribulations of such here.

I wish you success!
Click to expand...
I know 8 gay married couples. All are open. Two are actually triples. I don't think MMM triads are nearly as rare as the unicorn arrangement.

That is a great link. I think much of that does apply to any relationship. The box is something I'll make sure we do not make. I have shared it with my husband.
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings GayDad,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a wonderful triad in mind, you know what you want, and you are prepared to have the conversations you need to be having as various situations come up. You know that patience is a must, and that is probably the most important thing to know at this stage. I hope Polyamory.com provides you with the support that you need, transitioning from monogamy to polyamory is a huge change. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Thank you.
 
@TinCup I overthink stuff. This is the only real discussion forum about polyamorous relationships. So I'm here. It would be more useful to me, of course, if there were more exclusively gay posters here.

I find the various terms used interesting. So many. I'll be around here, for sure, even if i get yelled at. :)
 
You might want to read Ostrich's blog in our journal section. He and his partner are gay and attempt to date/have sex with the same person from time to time, with varying degrees of success. They also date separately, which seems to be far less complicated. Group sex and sharing a partner are not required for polyamory.

My partner and I are both female. In our earlier years, when we've tried to overlap our partners to any degree, it seemed to go awry every time, so we've stopped going down that road. I don't see why it would be different for males.

On a related note, I just got recommended the movie "Wilde" (1997) on Hulu and watched it last night. It was about the famous writer Oscar Wilde and his young partner and their forays into sharing sex with others. Sigh... so tragic. Great movie! (Jude Law is always amazing.)
 
Magdlyn said:
You might want to read Ostrich's blog in our journal section. He and his partner are gay and attempt to date/have sex with the same person from time to time, with varying degrees of success. They also date separately, which seems to be far less complicated. Group sex and sharing a partner are not required for polyamory.

My partner and I are both female. In our earlier years, when we've tried to overlap our partners to any degree, it seemed to go awry every time, so we've stopped going down that road. I don't see why it would be different for males.

On a related note, I just got recommended the movie "Wilde" (1997) on Hulu and watched it last night. It was about the famous writer Oscar Wilde and his young partner and their forays into sharing sex with others. Sigh... so tragic. Great movie! (Jude Law is always amazing.)
Click to expand...
Hi @Magdlyn thank you so much for the information. I will check all of this out. Just because I know a few throuple relationships doesn't mean I think they are healthy. One seems good; the other is a mess.

We have a guy spending the whole weekend with us this weekend. It's a start. We will see how that goes. If it doesn't work out, and things just don't seem likely, we will probably just move to "just sex" relationships together. We will not have separate partners, my husband and I. We have no shortage of men offering "just sex" relationships. Failing that, we will just go back to us.

I have seen Wilde. It is a great movie.

If I seem to have glossed over things, it is just because of brevity, not the lack of effort here.
 
Magdlyn said:
You might want to read Ostrich's blog in our journal section. He and his partner are gay and attempt to date/have sex with the same person from time to time, with varying degrees of success. They also date separately, which seems to be far less complicated. Group sex and sharing a partner are not required for polyamory.

My partner and I are both female and in our earlier years, when we've tried to overlap our partners to any degree, it seemed to go awry every time, so we've stopped going down that road. I don't see why it would be different for males.
Click to expand...
Ostrich's blog is interesting. What an experience. They seem to have dynamics at play that we do not. Hopefully my experience will be a bit different.
 
I do think, as a general rule, because of our cultural conditioning, it's easier for men to keep sex and emotions separate. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight-- that's a guy thing, to bury your emotions. So yeah, I know gay guys have lots more casual sex than lesbians, for example. So, sharing a boy for a night with your partner is probably easier than sharing a girl for a night would be for lesbians, or sharing a person of any gender would be for a female/trans/non-binary-pansexual couple like my partner and me. (Shit, is that enough labels? lol)

Again, generally speaking.
 
Magdlyn said:
I do think, as a general rule, because of our cultural conditioning, it's easier for men to keep sex and emotions separate. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, that's a guy thing, to bury your emotions. So yeah, I know gay guys have lots more casual sex than lesbians, for example. So, sharing a boy for a night with your partner is probably easier than sharing a girl for a night would be for lesbians, or sharing a person of any gender would be for a female/trans/non-binary-pansexual couple like my partner and me. (Shit, is that enough labels? lol)

Again, generally speaking.
Click to expand...
Generally speaking, I think you are right. We could, for sure, if that was what we wanted, have a guy over for one night, and then be just fine never seeing him again, or seeing him again if it was great sex, as long as that was the expectation.

Johnny and I are not looking for that, however. I chased validation via sex for many years. It doesn't lead to happiness, at least for me.

I just joined a gay poly FB group. In a poll there, more respondents than any other option were singles looking to join into a relationship with a couple.

There are many triads represented in that group, and more joining daily, along with those seeking. Perhaps it is a bit different in a MMM triad vs a MF couple chasing a unicorn, or a FF couple trying to bring in a third for the general emotion thing.

In my case, we have never been open, and neither of us has cheated In 7 years. We are not broken trying to fix something by looking for a third. We have never been happier, and we are willing to be extremely honest with a new boyfriend, and be a partner with them in determining what the relationship will look like. We are not going to box that person in before we meet them.

Sexually we both are missing something that another can give to both of us, and they would get to do that with two, IMHO, very nice men, while at the same time, being treated well and valued in a relationship.

Many of the guys that fit into what we might be looking for have had terrible experiences dating. They attract assholes that cannot separate sex and how you treat someone out of bed.

So we are going to start dating.

Right now, actually, I'm at work, and my husband is meeting the guy that is spending the next three nights with us. They are going to go grocery shopping, and then go meet our dogs. I'll be home directly.

If there is mutual threeway attraction, we will see. We both think he is cute. I know the guy likes me. Johnny is the one that is new to him. I havent seen him in over seven years.

He knows what we are interested in. We realize and have discussed the possibility that he will be more interested in me, but knowing this guy, probably not. For him, it is about taking care of someone. That is his thing. Attraction is secondary.

So, eyes open, hearts on the sleeves, over-sharing and deadly honesty are the rules.

Again, thank you and everyone else for the advice and resources. I'll keep y'all posted in an appropriate channel.
 
Sounds promising to me. Looking forward to your updates.
 
Just so you know, many polyamorous people dislike terms like "adding a third" or "bringing in a third." To me, it's like nails on a blackboard, almost as bad as the word throuple. It just sounds so dehumanizing to me. And couple-centric. "Our third." Like "Our new TV." "Our car." A toy being shared by a couple.

This guy you know... you used to date or fuck 7 years ago? And he came back into your life, and now he wants to be shared by a couple of nice guys. Well, good luck winning the lottery! I mean that sincerely. I want you to be happy and have fun and love. But the chances it will work out for more than a few nights, weeks or months are slim.

I know many unicorn-hunting couples will say, "We are patient, we will wait as long as it takes." And then, after like 3-6 years of trying, pain, rejection and mess, they finally say to us here, "You know, you guys were right. And we finally concede there is nothing wrong with being a little less entangled and dating separately."

But YMMV. :)
 
GayDad said:
My husband and I have decided to seek a third. We have been together for 7 years and married for half of that. We are wonderful together and we love each other more daily it seems, BUT we are both Tops. We have been completely monogamous for these 7 years. Sex has always been "good" lots of oral which can be hot. So we will be seeking a 3rd for a committed relationship, to share in our lives, and happiness. Also of course to bottom. Im 53, husband is 29. Will be looking for someone younger than him. Have discovered that is is all exhausting. Everyone wants hookups, but of course the rest isnt what ppl want. We will be patient.
Click to expand...
I am in this category. I am a twinkish-type male. I'm thin, smooth, small at 5'6 and 135 pounds and submissive bottom. Two tops is exactly what I am looking for, for ongoing good times.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top