hopesetting777
New member
Hi friends! This might be a crazy hectic and long read, but I hope you take the time to listen to my story and share advice to help me, and my partners, navigate something so new to us. I also would like to apologize in advance if I offend any of the community, as I am genuinely new to this life.
BASICS: For safety reasons, I’ll introduce myself as Amy. I’ve recently entered a relationship with a long-time friend of mine, Matthew. Matthew is poly and I’ve known this since meeting him. He has a child with Alexis, who is not poly, but loves threesomes, so it’s something they regularly do. They have a very up and down, in and out, complicated relationship, but genuine love for each other, something I’ve seen being his friend for so long.
BACKSTORY: Matthew and I started at the same company around the same time. We went through orientation and training together, which was a long exhausting process with many late nights, early mornings and tears. We got very close sharing stories about our lives, growing up and the struggles we faced. There was an attraction, yes, but we both loved having someone to talk to and relate with.
It should probably be noted that at this time, I identified as a lesbian woman. I had only been with and dated strictly women for 10 years. I have always felt more “pans,” but only able to emotionally connect with women, so lesbian it was. But here I am, very emotionally connected to this man.
The company we worked for ending up being a living nightmare and the wars we faced there only brought us closer. It got to a point where we’d hold each other after a long, brutal day. There was so much peace in that hug. The world went silent.
*Okay, Amy. You don’t really like men. Yeah, they’re cute sometimes, but let’s be real, you can only tolerate it in doses. But not him. You love every second with him. But also, he’s poly and you’re the most jealous person on earth. It would never work.*
A YEAR IN: When I tell you both our lives are crumbling into pieces, please know I am not exaggerating. He and Alexis hit their lowest point and he moved out. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Among many other things, on top of work continuously getting worse, I ended up getting incredibly sick and was admitted in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was highly contagious, so my mom couldn’t visit and no one wanted to potentially catch it. Matthew didn’t care. He visited multiple times, sent flowers, brought food. That’s what did it. Any time I am down, he picks me up. I need him. I love him.
A MONTH IN: We are in love. It happened fast. But we both admit it had been happening the whole time. Everything is absolutely perfect. The happiest either of us have ever been.
With all the bliss and excitement, we ignored two really important parts of each other: he’s poly, I'm not. The moment he mentioned a third person, I freaked out. How could he ask that of me? Am I not enough?
He pleaded his case, “I’ve told you since I met you I’m poly.”
“You love women! Why is it so gross in your eyes?”
And of course, “Don’t knock it till you try it."
I couldn’t stand to hear any more. The self doubt crept in and I felt betrayed. I left. In every sense of the word. I quit my job. I took everything out of his house. I blocked him. I drowned in my sadness for weeks. I was unemployed and heartbroken, so I spent a lot of time thinking, crying, journaling, screaming.
But I realized two things: One, he’s not wrong-- I’m very sexually explorative; I do love women; and I did know this is who he was. I agreed to love every part of him. Two, I meant it when I said I needed him, so why not at least try?
I reached out. While he was thrilled that I wanted to try, he told me that, in the few weeks we didn’t speak, Alexis got a job offer in a different state, and was moving with their child. He had to go with them. He didn’t want to lose his family. He had to focus on them. That was that.
Many sleepless nights passed. Every few days, one of us would break and send a sad text. I accidentally left some stuff behind, so we arranged a time for me to come get my belongings. The moment I saw him, I broke down, and he grabbed me and held me while I cried. Who knows how long we stayed like that? It felt like hours. But once I calmed down, he grabbed my face and said, “I can’t lose you. I need you. You are my peace.” That hug wasn’t just about calming me down. He needed it too.
Now we have a situation. We can’t ignore this. We can’t fight it and we don’t want to. But he’s moving with his family. He’s been working very hard to fix things, and so has Alexis.
We talked, and came up with a solution: let’s try this poly thing: me, him, and Alexis. We brainstormed on how to bring it up to her and how things will work, the specifics, for hours. We ended up falling asleep.
*BOOM BOOM BOOM*
We shot up at 10 am to Alexis banging on his door. Even though last night was innocent, what she walked into did not look good, on top of being confused, because, last she heard, I had him blocked. She asked to speak to me alone. I’m not a confrontational person and she generally isn’t either (just a little spicy) but I would have been just as upset, so yes, let’s talk. I calmly explained what had happened the last 24 hours, including the poly idea. “I love him, every part of him. I’m willing to try this for the sake of his happiness.”
She feels just as betrayed and hurt, if not more, as I did a few weeks ago. “Why does he need me if he has you?”
“He loves us both. He has a life and family with you, something that can never just go away. But he also has something with me that can’t either.”
The three of us talked for hours. They fought a lot. I tried to remain as neutral as possible, and keep the peace. I ended up crying because it was a very tense situation. He came over to console me, which genuinely upset her, as he did not try to console her once. She left, and everything felt wrong.
I told him, “She needs time to come around, just like I did.” And that’s exactly what happened. A few days passed, and she reached out to him with all her questions and concerns. So they met up and talked it all out. I was incredibly anxious and scared the entire time until my phone lit up and he called.
I answered, but it was Alexis. She wanted to hang out with just me. We decided to go get some drinks and get to know each other. The day arrives and I’m an emotional wreck. I’m already a crybaby and PMSing, so I asked her if we could just hang out as his place while he’s at work, and keep it lowkey. We drank wine and talked about our fears and insecurities. We laughed about the dumb stuff he often does. She expressed she’s never DATED a woman and doesn’t know what that looks like. I told her it’s just like having a best friend but with amazing benefits that are different from a man, like sharing clothes, doing each others hair and make up, going shopping together, and that the sex is notoriously better. She’s sold. lol
Once he got home, and saw us together laughing, he broke down in tears. “I am the happiest man on earth right now.” We all hung out till 4 am. We tested the waters and explored boundaries. We felt uncomfortable and we said it. We enjoyed stuff and we said it. We all agree that maybe this could work.
CURRENTLY: Alexis and I realize us having an independent relationship is the most important part of making this work. We are trying to build a solid friendship along with learning each others boundaries and addressing our issues directly, openly and honestly to each other. It’s hard to share the person you love, and even harder to watch him love someone else right in front of you.
We feel like we are in this together, and doing it for genuine reasons. And we actually like each other! We get along great and make each other laugh. We have so much in common too. She and Matthew have their alone time. He and I have our alone time. And it bothers us both, but we’re working with each other to find healthy ways to occupy ourselves and be happy for the other during those times.
My reason for posting this is for genuine advice. I don’t care who has what opinions. Please share with me what has worked for you and your partners, what hasn’t. Dealing with jealousy. Things you have found are important. How to navigate this with kids involved. Alexis has a 14 year old from a previous relationship and they have a 3 year old.
Matthew's lease is up in 7 months and we’ve all talked about getting a house together. What’s the ideal room situation? How do we navigate it around the kids?
Another thing I’d love advice on-- Matthew and I would like to have a baby together down the road, and we think this is going to genuinely hurt Alexis. How and when should we tell her this is a goal of ours?
Any and all advice is so appreciated.
Sincerely
“Amy”
BASICS: For safety reasons, I’ll introduce myself as Amy. I’ve recently entered a relationship with a long-time friend of mine, Matthew. Matthew is poly and I’ve known this since meeting him. He has a child with Alexis, who is not poly, but loves threesomes, so it’s something they regularly do. They have a very up and down, in and out, complicated relationship, but genuine love for each other, something I’ve seen being his friend for so long.
BACKSTORY: Matthew and I started at the same company around the same time. We went through orientation and training together, which was a long exhausting process with many late nights, early mornings and tears. We got very close sharing stories about our lives, growing up and the struggles we faced. There was an attraction, yes, but we both loved having someone to talk to and relate with.
It should probably be noted that at this time, I identified as a lesbian woman. I had only been with and dated strictly women for 10 years. I have always felt more “pans,” but only able to emotionally connect with women, so lesbian it was. But here I am, very emotionally connected to this man.
The company we worked for ending up being a living nightmare and the wars we faced there only brought us closer. It got to a point where we’d hold each other after a long, brutal day. There was so much peace in that hug. The world went silent.
*Okay, Amy. You don’t really like men. Yeah, they’re cute sometimes, but let’s be real, you can only tolerate it in doses. But not him. You love every second with him. But also, he’s poly and you’re the most jealous person on earth. It would never work.*
A YEAR IN: When I tell you both our lives are crumbling into pieces, please know I am not exaggerating. He and Alexis hit their lowest point and he moved out. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Among many other things, on top of work continuously getting worse, I ended up getting incredibly sick and was admitted in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was highly contagious, so my mom couldn’t visit and no one wanted to potentially catch it. Matthew didn’t care. He visited multiple times, sent flowers, brought food. That’s what did it. Any time I am down, he picks me up. I need him. I love him.
A MONTH IN: We are in love. It happened fast. But we both admit it had been happening the whole time. Everything is absolutely perfect. The happiest either of us have ever been.
With all the bliss and excitement, we ignored two really important parts of each other: he’s poly, I'm not. The moment he mentioned a third person, I freaked out. How could he ask that of me? Am I not enough?
He pleaded his case, “I’ve told you since I met you I’m poly.”
“You love women! Why is it so gross in your eyes?”
And of course, “Don’t knock it till you try it."
I couldn’t stand to hear any more. The self doubt crept in and I felt betrayed. I left. In every sense of the word. I quit my job. I took everything out of his house. I blocked him. I drowned in my sadness for weeks. I was unemployed and heartbroken, so I spent a lot of time thinking, crying, journaling, screaming.
But I realized two things: One, he’s not wrong-- I’m very sexually explorative; I do love women; and I did know this is who he was. I agreed to love every part of him. Two, I meant it when I said I needed him, so why not at least try?
I reached out. While he was thrilled that I wanted to try, he told me that, in the few weeks we didn’t speak, Alexis got a job offer in a different state, and was moving with their child. He had to go with them. He didn’t want to lose his family. He had to focus on them. That was that.
Many sleepless nights passed. Every few days, one of us would break and send a sad text. I accidentally left some stuff behind, so we arranged a time for me to come get my belongings. The moment I saw him, I broke down, and he grabbed me and held me while I cried. Who knows how long we stayed like that? It felt like hours. But once I calmed down, he grabbed my face and said, “I can’t lose you. I need you. You are my peace.” That hug wasn’t just about calming me down. He needed it too.
Now we have a situation. We can’t ignore this. We can’t fight it and we don’t want to. But he’s moving with his family. He’s been working very hard to fix things, and so has Alexis.
We talked, and came up with a solution: let’s try this poly thing: me, him, and Alexis. We brainstormed on how to bring it up to her and how things will work, the specifics, for hours. We ended up falling asleep.
*BOOM BOOM BOOM*
We shot up at 10 am to Alexis banging on his door. Even though last night was innocent, what she walked into did not look good, on top of being confused, because, last she heard, I had him blocked. She asked to speak to me alone. I’m not a confrontational person and she generally isn’t either (just a little spicy) but I would have been just as upset, so yes, let’s talk. I calmly explained what had happened the last 24 hours, including the poly idea. “I love him, every part of him. I’m willing to try this for the sake of his happiness.”
She feels just as betrayed and hurt, if not more, as I did a few weeks ago. “Why does he need me if he has you?”
“He loves us both. He has a life and family with you, something that can never just go away. But he also has something with me that can’t either.”
The three of us talked for hours. They fought a lot. I tried to remain as neutral as possible, and keep the peace. I ended up crying because it was a very tense situation. He came over to console me, which genuinely upset her, as he did not try to console her once. She left, and everything felt wrong.
I told him, “She needs time to come around, just like I did.” And that’s exactly what happened. A few days passed, and she reached out to him with all her questions and concerns. So they met up and talked it all out. I was incredibly anxious and scared the entire time until my phone lit up and he called.
I answered, but it was Alexis. She wanted to hang out with just me. We decided to go get some drinks and get to know each other. The day arrives and I’m an emotional wreck. I’m already a crybaby and PMSing, so I asked her if we could just hang out as his place while he’s at work, and keep it lowkey. We drank wine and talked about our fears and insecurities. We laughed about the dumb stuff he often does. She expressed she’s never DATED a woman and doesn’t know what that looks like. I told her it’s just like having a best friend but with amazing benefits that are different from a man, like sharing clothes, doing each others hair and make up, going shopping together, and that the sex is notoriously better. She’s sold. lol
Once he got home, and saw us together laughing, he broke down in tears. “I am the happiest man on earth right now.” We all hung out till 4 am. We tested the waters and explored boundaries. We felt uncomfortable and we said it. We enjoyed stuff and we said it. We all agree that maybe this could work.
CURRENTLY: Alexis and I realize us having an independent relationship is the most important part of making this work. We are trying to build a solid friendship along with learning each others boundaries and addressing our issues directly, openly and honestly to each other. It’s hard to share the person you love, and even harder to watch him love someone else right in front of you.
We feel like we are in this together, and doing it for genuine reasons. And we actually like each other! We get along great and make each other laugh. We have so much in common too. She and Matthew have their alone time. He and I have our alone time. And it bothers us both, but we’re working with each other to find healthy ways to occupy ourselves and be happy for the other during those times.
My reason for posting this is for genuine advice. I don’t care who has what opinions. Please share with me what has worked for you and your partners, what hasn’t. Dealing with jealousy. Things you have found are important. How to navigate this with kids involved. Alexis has a 14 year old from a previous relationship and they have a 3 year old.
Matthew's lease is up in 7 months and we’ve all talked about getting a house together. What’s the ideal room situation? How do we navigate it around the kids?
Another thing I’d love advice on-- Matthew and I would like to have a baby together down the road, and we think this is going to genuinely hurt Alexis. How and when should we tell her this is a goal of ours?
Any and all advice is so appreciated.
Sincerely
“Amy”
)