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RH_1982

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Hi everyone.

I am a straight married man my wife of 15 years has decided she wants to explore her bisexuality. For some back story we both work alot me from home and she has a traveling job so we don't get too much time together. This has caused some stress on the both of us, but now with her new confession I'm at a loss. I really don't know how I'm supposed to react to this, i want to be supportive but still can't help feeling a little jealous and inadequate. I'm sure this is stupid but some advice would be helpful.
 
First up, I'd highly recommend scheduling deliberate date days/nights when she's home, time to nurture your own relationship rather than the default of mistaking cohabiting as 'enough' to sustain the relationship. At these times you're actively all about each other, no getting into text conversations with others or doom scrolling or other distractions. Actively do things to enjoy each other, including but not limited to sex. And not just talking all about polyamory, set aside different time for that, short conversations that don't spiral.

Has she indicated if she just wants to explore hook up culture while she's traveling, or if she wants to establish another relationship?

Are you interested in either for yourself?
 
Evie said:
First up, I'd highly recommend scheduling deliberate date days/nights when she's home, time to nurture your own relationship rather than the default of mistaking cohabiting as 'enough' to sustain the relationship. At these times you're actively all about each other, no getting into text conversations with others or doom scrolling or other distractions. Actively do things to enjoy each other, including but not limited to sex. And not just talking all about polyamory, set aside different time for that, short conversations that don't spiral.

Has she indicated if she just wants to explore hook up culture while she's traveling, or if she wants to establish another relationship?

Are you interested in either for yourself?
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She has said she is not interested on the hook up culture and that she would be looking for a single person to explore her new found self. But I'm i guess traditional, I could have negative feelings about either path, weather she is building up a body count or falling in "love" with someone else. My biggest struggle is I know if the tables were turned and it was me asking for another partner she would not be ok. She is naturally a jealous person, to the point where I can't have a conversation with another woman and not be questioned. If I was to get involved in any other relationship I would prefer her to take part but I'm not sure this would work out either, so the whole thing has me unsure.
 
It usually doesn't go so well if an established (married) couple tries to share a third person. Jealousies still arise, that person can get treated than less than a whole self, and either the couple can close ranks by instigating unfair rule on that person, or the grass is greener and the couple ends up considering divorce or actually divorcing.

Why a single person and not another married woman who is also looking to explore her bisexuality?

It sounds like your wife told you this was what she was going to do, rather than asking you, which is great for her autonomy. If you also have an interest in developing another relationship, it would be reasonable for you to also have this same level of autonomy. If this is likely to cause irreparable conflict, then is it really best to continue with the marriage? If you don't actually have an interest in another relationship and are happy developing your own hobbies for your extra-marital social circle, then do that :)

Why did you put "love" in quotes? It's quite likely that she could feel love for her currently hypothetical woman (or is it hypothetical, or does she already have someone in mind/started seeing someone)?

Her natural jealousy is, well, natural (for her), but quite possibly because of one or more formative events. Has she ever addressed this jealousy in therapy, or guided self-reflection? Would she? It sounds quite extreme if her existing behaviour makes it impossible for you to have a conversation with another woman, let alone have women friends. Some personal exploration of her emotional reaction to this would likely improve your relationship regardless. But if she doesn't want to do this, you might be at an impasse.

Since you're unsure at this time, it could be beneficial to consider - as a thought experiment - as many possible outcomes as you can.

  • There is a future where you could both be single (or with other people) by amicably ending the relationship (or contentiously doing so if you don't agree how to do so amicably),
  • OR one where you could be happily polyamorous and both seeing other people but maintaining your marriage and home,
  • OR one where you could contentedly remain monogamous and channel your share of time and resources into your interests and she has another established relationship that you support, and she splits her time and resources between you and your metamour (what we call the person our partner is in a relationship with but we aren't),
  • OR one where she is in another relationship but you are not and you don't get your personal needs met and boundaries respected so you exist in a relationship where you are poly-under-duress.
There are also other possible scenarios and it's going to take great communication between the two of you to settle on what makes you both happy and secure in your marriage, if that's actually what you both want. Or to let each other go, kindly, to explore the next phase of life.
 
And to answer some of your questions she is talking to another married women but also knows she's not looking for any commitment. She did not come out and say this is going to happen weather I like it or not, but did suggest that our future relationship would more than likely fail if she was not able to explore some now. I guess my biggest problem is the fact that for our entire relationship of 19 years she has made it very clear that I'm hers and hers alone, and if I was ever be with another women then she would leave and we would be over. Now maybe now that she is thinking about looking outside the marriage it would be ok for me as well. Idk I guess this is all the stuff that she and I need to discuss, I know some of my problems are just that my problems. I dont want to share the affection of my wife with someone else.
 
RH_1982 said:
And to answer some of your questions: she is talking to another married women, but also knows she's not looking for any commitment. She did not come out and say "This is going to happen whether I like it or not," but did suggest that our future relationship would more than likely fail if she was not able to explore now. I guess my biggest problem is the fact that for our entire relationship of 19 years she has made it very clear that I'm hers and hers alone, and if I was ever be with another women then she would leave and we would be over. Maybe now that she is thinking about looking outside the marriage it would be ok for me as well. Idk. I guess this is all the stuff that she and I need to discuss, I know some of my problems are just that, my problems. I don't want to share the affection of my wife with someone else.
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I'm sure you don't want her to go start a relationship with another woman after 19 years of her freaking out if you even spoke to another woman! What kind of double standard is that? We call that a OVP, one vagina policy. It is far less common than the OPP (where a man wants more than one woman, but the women he dates may not have other male partners), but we do see it from time to time.

I would recommend counseling for both of you before any of this goes any further. If she agrees to doing that, great! She is committed to her marriage and not going to just run roughshod over your feelings. If she won't go to counseling to address her jealousy and seemingly privileged idea that she can just start dating outside the marriage (and even has a person in mind) while insisting you remain mono, well then, I don't see much hope for your marriage.

You (singular) want to maintain the status quo. This has all come as a shock, I'm sure. But there could be a good outcome, where you open your marriage and you can both date anyone else you want, you can date women (or men), she can date women (or men). (f she puts herself out there on dating sites, even if she says she's looking for women, she will get hit on by lots of horny guys, trust me.)
 
She has made it very clear she is not interested in another man, and I was very clear that would be a complete deal breaker for me. We obviously need more communication, I honestly just don't know what to expect
 
Hello RH_1982,

You and your wife definitely need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what each of you wants, and what each of you is willing to tolerate. If she gets the green light to go ahead and start dating a woman, you should get the same green light from her. On the other hand, maybe you don't even want to date outside the marriage?

It concerns me somewhat that you and your wife have so little time together. I think the two of you should schedule regular date nights with each other, hopefully at least once a week. If all you do is exist in the same space, there is going to be a growing distance between you, and that's going to make things like this bi/poly proposition hurt more.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello RH_1982,

You and your wife definitely need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what each of you wants, and what each of you is willing to tolerate. If she gets the green light to go ahead and start dating a woman, you should get the same green light from her. On the other hand, maybe you don't even want to date outside the marriage?

It concerns me somewhat that you and your wife have so little time together. I think the two of you should schedule regular date nights with each other, hopefully at least once a week. If all you do is exist in the same space, there is going to be a growing distance between you, and that's going to make things like this bi/poly proposition hurt more.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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This is what worries me most, that once she gets a taste of her new found freedom I will essentially replaced. Maybe its foolish of me to think this way but it's a real concern
 
No, I think you're right to be worried about that. Concentrate on strengthening your relationship with your wife.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Just because she wants this, doesn't mean you are OBLIGATED to do poly. You know that right?

That wasn't the deal you signed up for when you got married, is it?

Because if she's asking to change the deal, you can say

"I need time to consider this." And you consider it.

And you might land on ok.

Or you might still land on "Nope. I considered it. I do not want any."

Do you even WANT poly things in your life? Or do you prefer monogamy?

She did not come out and say this is going to happen weather I like it or not, but did suggest that our future relationship would more than likely fail if she was not able to explore some now.
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I could be wrong but it kinda sounds like you both are taking the relationship for granted and not really dating each other any more.

How's your future relationship supposed to SUCCEED if neither of you really makes time for each other and are living like "ships in the night" sort of roomies?

How's your future polyship supposed to SUCCEED if you are going into it not because you LOVE poly or are really excited about trying it. But going at it more like "If I don't do this she will dump me" style poly under duress?

And what's this jealousy thing she's got going? She wants open for her but NOT for you? Because I think if you are gonna go there it is even on both sides. BOTH can date other people. You might not want to exercise the option, but then that is YOU choosing not to. And not like you don't even get the option at all because she wants it skewed in her favor.

If men are a dealbreaker, why aren't women? Other genders? Because if you prefer monogamy, there is NOTHING wrong with that. Being bisexual is not a free pass to "have one of each" or something. People aren't ice cream flavors. It's not a reason to railroad you into poly like "she's missing out."

Cuz she could just dump you and go poly without you. You don't have to be involved. She doesn't have to miss anything.

I do not say that to be mean to you.

I am saying... don't let her talk circles around you to get her way just because she's plunking down the "bisexual" or "poly" or "One Vagina Policy" cards.

Some of this stuff might be new words or concept to you. You might be feeling overwhelmed and be tempted to say "Yes" to whatever just to get her to stop coming at you with all this.

But do not do that.

You still are the expert on you. Your consent to participate in things or not still belongs to you.

If she's offering you some hinky sounding New Deal or pressuring you?

Say "No, thanks. I don't want any."

This is what worries me most, that once she gets a taste of her new found freedom I will essentially replaced. Maybe its foolish of me to think this way but it's a real concern
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If you work from home, and she travels a lot for work, and neither one is really putting any energy into the relationship? You basically have become roomies? The marriage is like "just going through the motions?"

Even if it feels scary, maybe the conversations need to change. Rather than talking about exploring her bisexuality or thinking about open/poly relationships? You two need to talk about the health of the marriage and if you have grown apart and it's time to part ways peacefully.

Like address it head on.

Cuz other people don't need to be dragged through couple weird. Doing wonky open/poly from fear of a break up or to avoid addressing compatibility?

Is like taking the long complicated way around to end up back on square one. Doing wonky poly won't make you MORE compatible if this relationship is drawing to its end.

So take a breath, do some thinking. What is the ACTUAL conversation that needs to happen here?

I'm sorry this is happening though. I can only imagine how it must feel to you.

Galagirl
 
I suppose this requires full disclosure, I am not someone that likes to open up about my feelings. I was raised more to keep them bottled up until they are resolved on their own. I do get the feeling that she is leaning more to the side of a one way open relationship or possibly a three some but I'm still unsure. Clearly we need to talk alot more.
 
I suppose this requires full disclosure, I am not someone that likes to open up about my feelings. I was raised more to keep them bottled up until they are resolved on their own.
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Nobody ever taught you how to express your feelings appropriately?

You were taught to gunnysack? Stuff them all down and hope they go away? Or keep stuffing til one day you just pop cuz there's so much stuffed in there no more will fit?

Def do NOT agree to anything. And do NOT jump in blind into stuff.

You DO need to talk a lot more.
 
RH_1982 said:
I suppose this requires full disclosure, I am not someone that likes to open up about my feelings. I was raised more to keep them bottled up until they are resolved on their own. I do get the feeling that she is leaning more to the side of a one way open relationship or possibly a three some but I'm still unsure. Clearly we need to talk alot more.
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Well, that is of, course, very common in our patriarchal culture. I would say most men think that showing emotions makes them weak or "womanly." But men have just as many emotions as women. It's sad that you guys are still going along with this idea, but it's trained in you from birth, from your parents, greater family, school, media, etc., etc.

No marriage will be healthy if neither partner ever talks about their emotions. Maybe your wife is drawn to women because they are encouraged to identify and share their emotions. I don't know.

Yes, you two need to have some serious talks. If you have a habit of never sharing emotions, you're going to lose her. That is why I suggest counseling. Coming here as an anonymous internet stranger is a good start. It's the beginning of some hard work that could ultimately pay off in some way. If you can not save your marriage, you will have a healthier path in some other way.
 
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