Vicki's Journey Continues...

Vicki82

Member
Well, today has been pretty awesome at least. It's my anniversary with Henry, and since we can't go anywhere or do anything, I decided to order in treats. We got fancy sandwiches and a gift basket full of stuff like bitters and gourmet cheese and stuffed olives, and I ordered a cake from the bakery that did our wedding cake- everything to be delivered. We had a bottle of wine, too.

Henry was really happy. I also wrote him a digital version of a love letter. I'm much more a handwritten kind of person but he told me he likes digital because it's easier not to lose it and he can look at it whenever he likes. So if that's what makes him happy, I can do that.

Kiddo was busy with his homework so we locked the bedroom door and had some very quiet afternoon sex. Now we're just relaxing and feeling a little sleepy but good. Going to watch a movie with Kiddo tonight and keep things low key. I had a bottle of champagne too but Henry wants to save it for tomorrow. I'm good with prolonging the celebration :)
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Would you and Henry be comfortable handwriting then taking a photo/scanning it to make it digital? Then it would meet BOTH preferences.

Happy anniversary! Sounds like a lively day. My 10th wedding anniversary is coming up and it gave me some ideas. 😊
 

Vicki82

Member
A friend of mine died of covid today. I'm feeling really upset and anxious and I just can't shake it right now.

I'm getting isolation fatigue too and stuff like bleaching my groceries, and putting stuff in quarantine, and constantly worrying about what I touch, and what other people will do, is just exhausting me. I get why people want out. But I think that reopening is a fucking nightmare that will kill even more people.

I'm so afraid.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
A friend of mine died of covid today. I'm feeling really upset and anxious and I just can't shake it right now.

I'm getting isolation fatigue too and stuff like bleaching my groceries, and putting stuff in quarantine, and constantly worrying about what I touch, and what other people will do, is just exhausting me.

The good news is that the chance of getting covid from groceries has been found to be extremely unlikely. I'm still doing it too, but we only get groceries delivered once a week. Usually Pixi helps me, but she wasn't available the last time and I did it all by myself! It kinda felt routine. But I am an amazingly adaptable person. I sometimes think I'm too adaptable! It can mean I settle for less than I should... But anyway.

I get why people want out. But I think that reopening is a fucking nightmare that will kill even more people. I'm so afraid.

It is and they will. And now with these kids running all over protesting in huge crowds! I get they're mad and rightfully so, but they are gonna get sick, man. And get their families sick.
 

Vicki82

Member
So I think the coping mechanisms are starting to creep in. I'm still having a really hard time managing all this. I know the protests and riots are very good things that need to happen but it just feels like reality is too much to handle right now. I don't want to live through history. I just want to get back to my nice boring life that took me four years to start to rebuild after all the trauma of my divorce. It feels like I was getting everything back on track. I had two partners who love me. My son was starting to get a better handle on his issues. My mental health had drastically improved. We were planning to fix up the house and make it better. I had even just started working again in my field and felt valued and happier.

And then COVID. And then all this isolation and loss. My depression is back more severely than it's ever been. I have soft suicidal thoughts- not the kind with intention but just the wish that I could wake up and this would all be over. And the fear that we won't get through this unscathed.

Reading about the reopenings while cases still increase after our phase one is literally giving me far more physical symptoms of stress. Even going for a walk outside makes my throat tighten up. I used to get chest pain as a panic attack symptom. I think my brain decided it was funnier to pick a symptom that I can panic might be COVID if I screwed up washing the groceries or something.

And then I get to have the internal conflict that I desperately wish things would go back to normal, but I have to recognize that normal was very very bad for a lot of people, hence the protests and riots. I can't believe that I am living in the middle of a pandemic and American cities are burning. And I get it- people probably feel like they have less to lose right now because the pandemic has taken so much and then this tension has been building for so long and maybe there's a chance to do something about it now. But I feel like I am literally marinating in fear and anxiety. And the more COVID spreads because of the rioting, the longer I will be isolated at home, and I feel like I really am cracking a little bit. Or maybe more than a little bit.

My counselor wants me to try and do some exercising to burn off the cortisol, even if it's indoors. I've regained 26lbs of the 70 I had lost in the past year and I feel gross, but I also don't want to stop eating yummy things because food is one of the few things right now that actually gives me pleasure, as fucked up as that is. Much of my private diary right now is literally food pics. So I figure I have to at least do the exercising or I'm going to be enormous again or maybe have a heart attack and catch COVID in the hospital like my friend who died did and I don't want to die. I'm terrified of dying but I think I am equally terrified of Henry dying and being left to live without him. When my mental health is this poor, I don't think I could cope without him.

I'm just so fucking afraid, and this time it's real. There are monsters under the bed. I can't just tell myself that my brain is lying to me and it will be all right, because it's not all right. And I've been in constant fear now for 82 days.

It's messed. I've felt safer in my own home than I ever have, I think. My door is plastered with STOP signs so that people know to stay away because we have health issues- they leave deliveries in the box and go. So I'm no longer really worried about break-ins in the middle of the night. Or hell, a neighbour was giving away an item I really needed and she put it out curbside at 10:30pm and Henry was already asleep and we had been drinking so I was running a pretty good buzz. I actually left the house and went out drunk (I do not recommend this) to walk over and get it in the dark. In normal times I would never ever have gone wandering around the other end of my neighborhood at night, drunk. I wasn't worried about getting robbed or raped in these times :p Then I came home and washed my hands obsessively six times after quarantining the item. And then twice more when I went upstairs. That anxiety was still sky high at least.

I get the pandemic fatigue, I do. I'm literally hiding from my grocery deliveries because it's taking too much mental energy to sort through them and clean the perishables and quarantine the rest. But if we don't live through this then mental health doesn't matter either, and I'm not in that danger zone yet. So yeah, mental health etc people need to get out people need to get some normalcy... but please... I just want us to live. It hurts so fucking much when people say oh yeah a few cases are acceptable, a few deaths... but I don't want it to be us.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm sorry you're feeling so very down. Do you need to tweak your meds? It sounds like you're losing it. Walking is great though. It really works. Being out in the fresh air, seeing trees, hearing birds, feeling the warm sun. It reminds me that there is some normalcy, somewhere. And your blood pressure and cortisol levels lower, your vitamin D increases, your heart is strengthened.

Unless you're in a congested city, there's no risk to getting out for a walk.
 

Vicki82

Member
I'm sorry you're feeling so very down. Do you need to tweak your meds? It sounds like you're losing it. Walking is great though. It really works. Being out in the fresh air, seeing trees, hearing birds, feeling the warm sun. It reminds me that there is some normalcy, somewhere. And your blood pressure and cortisol levels lower, your vitamin D increases, your heart is strengthened.

Unless you're in a congested city, there's no risk to getting out for a walk.

I tried to get help with my meds. My psychiatrist just keeps saying to go for walks and do mindfulness exercises. I keep telling him that walks are giving me panic attacks because people aren't social distancing here and the weather is gorgeous so they're everywhere, especially mobs of teens. I feel like I can't breathe when I go for a walk. I sit on my back deck which is fenced in, in the sun.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I tried to get help with my meds. My psychiatrist just keeps saying to go for walks and do mindfulness exercises. I keep telling him that walks are giving me panic attacks because people aren't social distancing here and the weather is gorgeous so they're everywhere, especially mobs of teens. I feel like I can't breathe when I go for a walk. I sit on my back deck which is fenced in, in the sun.

Oh, if you can't walk without being near crowds of idiots, then yeah, that would be counterproductive. Can you do more than sit on the deck? Do you have a yard? Can you do laps around your house or something?

If you're "soft suicidal" and in a constant state of panic, it sounds like you need to go psychiatrist shopping. I know when my sister's husband retired, he was severely depressed. They found doctors with widely divergent opinions and willingness to prescribe. Finally they found a doc who allowed him to have Ativan, and it snapped him out of 18 months of depression.

I mean, he hardly ever got out of bed, didn't wash, didn't groom himself, didn't change his clothes or change his sheets, unless my sister pretty much yelled at him to do something. (Walking was out of the question. My sister forced him to do it once, but he dragged his feet, catatonic.)

But he got on the Ativan, and within 2 weeks was his old self. He was able to wean off it easily without falling back into the depression. It give him enough calmness to move on to the next stage of his life, to change his expectations and behaviors, with which he'd been struggling to the point of being fully incapacitated.

Maybe Henry could help you go doctor shopping. (Online, of course.)
 

Vicki82

Member
Doctor shopping is not that simple where I live. Your primary care doctor must refer you, and there has to be an opening. Here, a friend of mine waited 2 years even with an urgent referral, to see a psychiatrist. Kiddo waited 18 months before he could be seen. So I'm not going anywhere, I'm sure. I have never felt like this doctor helped much but he is who I have to deal with.

I do have a prescription for Ativan which I take, but it isn't putting a dent in the anxiety and depression right now. And the lack of sleep is seriously problematic.

I have no yard, just my deck.

I get out of bed every morning and I try to shower once a day because it's upsetting to smell bad. I try and keep the basics of living together because of Kiddo, otherwise it would all fall on Henry and that isn't fair. He has his own struggles with mental health. We made a half-joking pact that we can't both be seriously fucked up on the same day because we have to keep it together for Kiddo.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I don't know where you live in NY that health care (Medicare?) is so bad, but if you're at all suicidal, you can go to the ER. It's just not something to mess around with.

It's a shame that Kiddo is being cared for by 2 people with serious depression issues, with no other people looking out for him. I'm at a loss as to what else to say.

I'm not judging you, of course. I'm just truly concerned for all of you.
 

Vicki82

Member
I don't know where you live, but if you're at all suicidal, you can go to the ER. It's just not something to mess around with.

It's a shame that Kiddo is being cared for by 2 people with serious depression issues, with no other people looking out for him. I'm at a loss as to what else to say.

I'm not judging you, of course. I'm just truly concerned for all of you.

I wouldn't go to the ER right now if I was having a heart attack. That is literally how my friend just caught COVID and died.

Kiddo is fine. We're doing the best that we can. At the very least, he has two people who love him very much and who do their best to make him feel safe and secure. That's the whole point between us not crashing on the same day.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I wouldn't go to the ER right now if I was having a heart attack. That is literally how my friend just caught COVID and died.

I know we are all afraid of hospitals right now. But from what I've read, hospitals are doing a great job of isolating regular sick or injured people from the Covid patients. I'd very very sorry about your friend. But doctors are saying people are dying of other untreated illnesses because of being afraid of Covid.

Again, I'm really not sure why you couldn't find another psych. to do telehealth with right now. You're in NY, not Bosnia.

Kiddo is fine. We're doing the best that we can. At the very least, he has two people who love him very much and who do their best to make him feel safe and secure. That's the whole point between us not crashing on the same day.

Is there any way for you to get way out in the woods and go for a hike, somewhere with less people? Do you have to remain in the city? I forget if Henry is able to drive or walk.

I have a friend in the Fingerlakes in NYC and he takes his 2 young kids for kid friendly hikes several days a week. The same with other friends here in MA. It's just a great way to recharge and see normal things just going on, birds having babies, jack in the pulpits, moss and rocks, streams doing their splashy thing.
 

Vicki82

Member
Obviously they’re not, since that’s exactly how my friend died.

The process here to get a referral for mental health takes years. It may not be Bosnia, but maybe they have better mental health access. So no, I can’t get a new psychiatrist. I am stuck with this one.

Henry can drive but the trails nearby all seem full of people. Everyone wants to be out and about and I just can’t do people right now. I’m sitting on my deck to get some sunshine at least.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Obviously they’re not, since that’s exactly how my friend died.

I meant, that your friend's death was hopefully a sad exception. The huge majority of people going to doctors are not catching Covid.

Hey, I'm just trying to help, since you seem to have so little help, or hope.

The process here to get a referral for mental health takes years. It may not be Bosnia, but maybe they have better mental health access. So no, I can’t get a new psychiatrist. I am stuck with this one.

I just can't believe that. I don't understand why "here" is so different. Are you on Medicaid? Pixi and I are (in MA) and we can change our doctors. There might be a 6 month waiting list sometimes, but not 18-24 months.

Just the same, does your dr know you are suicidal? How could they think regular exercise would be enough to prevent suicide? You could threaten them with malpractice and see if that helps.

Henry can drive but the trails nearby all seem full of people. Everyone wants to be out and about, and I just can’t do people right now. I’m sitting on my deck to get some sunshine at least.

Sunshine is good. I also take a vitamin D supplement.
 
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Vicki82

Member
I don’t live in the US. I just use it for anonymity. Where I am it’s bit easy to access mental health services.

I am extremely deficient in vitamin d so my dr prescribed 50,000 IU supplement.

The last week or so has been particularly rough and seeing things open up is terrifying me. Then I definitely won’t be able to see Charles anymore and I’ll have to quit my job. And then we’ll be stuck here with everyone pushing on our boundaries and that’s just too mich. I don’t know how anyone can think we want to live in this level of isolation!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I don’t live in the US. I just use it for anonymity. Where I am it’s bit easy to access mental health services.

Ohhhh! Well, that explains that, then.
I am extremely deficient in Vitamin D, so my dr prescribed 50,000 IU supplement.

There are definite links between low Vitamin D levels and depression. How long ago did you start the supplements?

The last week or so has been particularly rough, and seeing things open up is terrifying me. Then I definitely won’t be able to see Charles anymore and I’ll have to quit my job.

And then we’ll be stuck here with everyone pushing on our boundaries, and that’s just too much. I don’t know how anyone can think we want to live in this level of isolation!

No one wants to be so isolated. Everyone is itching to return to normal, but we just have to be patient. The only other choice is risking your life and the lives of your loved ones, like the millions of protesters in hundreds of US cities. (And the just stupid people, the tRump followers.)
 

Tinwen

Active member
The last week or so has been particularly rough and seeing things open up is terrifying me. Then I definitely won’t be able to see Charles anymore and I’ll have to quit my job. And then we’ll be stuck here with everyone pushing on our boundaries and that’s just too mich. I don’t know how anyone can think we want to live in this level of isolation!
How many covid cases (per capita) are there where you live?
Many european countries have opened up already a few weeks ago. I seems covid levels are kind of stagnating since then. Not very reassuring if your area is high-risk now, but also no terrible second wave.
 

Vicki82

Member
Phase Two begins. And now after this weekend I won't be able to see Charles anymore since he will have to interact with the general public. Fuck all this pandemic fatigue and people craving normalcy at the risk of others dying.

Even Henry can't justify this because it's far too risky. So it's back to not being able to see Charles until who knows when. Until things either get better, or much much worse.

So much for our anniversary plans.

96 days and counting in isolation. I just can't fucking keep doing this. It's a jail sentence with no release date, albeit decent food.
 

Vicki82

Member
And for the fun surprise twist, they decided to open yesterday to the general public with no warning. So Charles worked yesterday and it was mobbed.

So, now I don't get to see him this weekend either. Or until who knows when.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Are you (all) still alive?
 
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