Vicki's Journey Continues...

breathemusic said:
Curious to know if he truly understands that what you're asking for is generally for him to confirm that he hears and understands your feelings even if he doesn't agree in a general sense.... or is it possible that he's so focused on the Star issue that he's more trying to figure out how to resolve that?

If he understands that it's a more general issue, then I think it goes back to the question of whether he is actively trying to do better at that and willing to do the work, or if he's not even willing to do the work.

If he's trying and failing, then it might be worth more discussions about what he's trying and how he's trying and for him to continue trying to learn. Especially if he's only just now hearing and learning that this is a general issue between the 2 of you and he hasn't had long term knowledge that this is a repeat problem.

For you, it's an ongoing thing and you feel like you've been dealing with it a long time and that it isn't changing. But maybe for him this is a new problem and he's only been working on it for a very short time.
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I think he legitimately does not understand what I am asking for. Like I'm speaking a language that doesn't make sense to him. It's why Henry thought he might be on the spectrum somewhere, because the very idea of someone just wanting acknowledgement was perplexing to him. He just says back to me, but of course I see you're upset, why do I need to say it? and doesn't seem to understand that isn't enough, or that something he legitimately does not see what the problem is so it isn't helpful in the slightest.

He understands that it's not about Star. I was very clear that I wanted him to do nothing about the situation, that I had just wanted to share my feelings. But I think the whole emotional management thing is very confusing to him. I am hoping that the book recommendations and possibly the joint counseling session will be helpful. I do think he is willing to try but he just isn't sure what to do.
 
It literally took me years to get my ex h to understand this concept. He finally did, but I had to be like a broken record: "I just want you to listen, until I have vented, and ask you for a response. The response I want will be, 'So what I hear you saying is:' "

Then once he repeated it back to me, it was usually not quite right. So I would have to correct him, and have him respond again how he understood me.

Then, and only then, was I open to his advice on how to correct the situation.

When I was a La Leche League Leader, I saw this again and again. At a support group meeting, a mom would ask a breastfeeding or parenting question. Then a few other mothers would just jump in with advice. She would still look upset and refuse the advice.

When I could get a word in, I would ask her more questions about her feelings and her situation. I'd let her vent. I'd express empathy. I'd repeat back what I heard. I'd ask more questions. She might cry a little with relief. Only when she felt fully heard and understood, would I offer advice. Rarely was her first question the "real" question.
 
I'm still not feeling like myself around Charles, and I guess it's the emotional fallout from all this. I just feel kind of closed off. I don't feel like that with Henry.

I guess it's going to be a time thing and see how it feels? Charles is going to the library Wednesday to get the book. My counsellor says she will try to squeeze us in soon.

I really don't want to lose him. I'm just worried about all this.
 
It's weird. I've been thinking a lot lately and trying to be mindful of the good things in my life. And that has led me to think about all the amazing people who are part of my life.

Communication is such a tricky thing at times, especially when it comes to feelings. I found myself thinking of the things I would like to say, and then it almost sounded like saying goodbye.

This year has been particularly difficult for me when it comes to thinking about death. My biological father died at the age of 36 when I was 9. There was quite a lot of symmetry this year, since I am 36 and Kiddo was 9 (he just turned 10 last month). I didn't want to die and have him go through all that, and it has driven me to make some changes in my life to improve my health as much as possible.

So I'm not sure if that is why I'm thinking of the things I'd like to say to people- if it's a subconscious worry since I'm still a couple of weeks out from my 37th birthday, as illogical as that is. But either way, I realized that I shouldn't have to feel like I'm saying goodbye to tell people how much I appreciate having them be in my life.

Either way- I have no plans of dying in the next eleven days, hopefully! But it is important to me to share my thoughts and feelings. After all, what good does it do to tell people I love them after I'm gone, anyway?

I'm going to make a point of reaching out to people and letting them know how I feel. There aren't crushes or unrequited stuff- just want to let people know they are important to me, with no expectations. I've already told a few, and it feels good to tell people that.

Just interesting stuff to think about.
 
This weekend just went by way too quickly!

Friday was a wonderful date night with Henry. We enjoyed getting a little buzzy and then spent the next four hours having amazing sex. We were still a little tired Saturday morning, but no rest for the wicked as it was my birthday party! My actual birthday isn't till next week, but scheduling worked best for today. Charles slept over after the party. I know I had written previously about being worried about Henry missing out on special occasions, but we felt that we were able to strike a good balance since he got that very busy Friday night, and he asked for NYE this year, which is more than reasonable. I am still not really sure where that leaves Charles but we will figure something out, since he's planning to spend the holiday with us anyway, assuming nothing drastically bad happens.

We usually have a pretty low key party, just some friends, good food, drinks, music, and board games. But it's always nice to have both my partners there with all my friends and everything is just normal. My neighbours dropped by as well, which is always. The woman knows that we're open/poly even though she doesn't get it- she finds it really weird. Which I find weird since they cheat on each other all the time! (her partner actually has a child the same age as their three-year-old with his sort of ex-wife that he never legally divorced). But the idea of it being open and ethical, and Henry and Charles being friends, doesn't make sense to her.

I wound up getting less sleep than I wanted, but that's a thing that happens. My birthday cake was delicious and I got some bottles of wine from my friends. Henry and I agreed not to do gifts this year but to find some sort of experience we'd like to do, and put money towards that instead. We haven't figured one out yet, but I'm sure we'll come up with something.

Charles likes certain kinds of embarrassment, so I enjoyed watching him flush a little bit when my friends who stayed over were arguing over breakfast and I announced that Charles had already had his. Henry is entirely unflappable so it's nice to have a partner who does enjoy that tinge of erotic shame. And my friends don't mind playing along, so this doesn't qualify as tapping the tank- we don't play those sort of games in front of nonconsenting people.

He couldn't stay long since he had to work today, so Henry and my two out of town friends and I went to a room escape. We didn't get out, but we had a good time. It's been a pretty awesome weekend, it just went by too quickly! But I guess the good days do that.
 
I've been doing a lot of reading lately on Emotional Intelligence and various marriage advice books as I find it is really interesting to learn from all the different perspectives. It's very interesting seeing the wide variety of ways that people manage their relationships, how they express their wants and needs, and even what their wants and needs actually are. I think that regardless of whether or not the concepts that I see fit into what I want in my relationships, there is always something to be learned from other perspectives, even if it's only so that we stop and think about our response and reexamine why we feel the way that we do.

If you're curious, the books I've been reading lately are Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, which I think is really a fabulous in-depth look at how our brains process emotion and how we can change our emotional responses. I've also been reading How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo, which I found slightly less useful as it comes at things from a very Eastern perspective and that doesn't really resonate with me. However, I found the concepts useful and worth discussing, it was just more effort to parse the material and take what worked for me and leave the rest. The third book I've been reading is Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, which I found intriguing as it opened by basically refuting standard practice in marriage counseling and shifting perspective to a new take on things. I'd also highly recommend The Polyamory Toolkit by Dan & Dawn Williams, who are great authors and they share a variety of perspectives about personal growth and emotional management.

While I'd like to think that I'm emotionally literate and have become more so over the years since I believe that consensual nonmonogamy requires an additional level of communication in relationships, I also believe that there is always more to learn and the biggest mistake you can make is thinking that you know it all. Especially when it comes to people- we are all so different, and learning about the different perspectives people have helps me widen my frame of reference.

What sparked all this internal processing was that Charles and Henry both have very different communication styles and different ways of relating. Henry and I are very much in sync, and Charles and I are still learning each other. Sometimes it feels like we are speaking different languages!

Not everyone processes things the way Henry and I do. In one of those books I mentioned above, one of the featured couples dealt with frustration by him turning on ESPN or she would go shopping. I honestly can't understand how they can be happy together if they don't actually work out their issues, but what is important in this context is that they are both happy with how they manage issues- neither one of them is secretly (or not-so-secretly) frustrated and bitter about the lack of active resolution. So while I would be miserably unhappy in that type of arrangement, they found a way to make it work for them. This is one of the reasons why I continue to trumpet that the lack of universality is one of the best features in relationships- there is no right or wrong as long as there is informed consent. People should structure their relationships to suit the people involved and not worry about what's "normal".

So it's been interesting when Charles and I have been dealing with issues in how we communicate. His way of managing things isn't wrong; it's just different from what I am used to, and he isn't used to doing things the way that I do. I'm really glad that we have the tools to build on this because our relationship is pretty amazing and he makes me so happy- I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater! But communication is very important to me, so if we couldn't find a positive way to resolve things, it would likely have ended our relationship.

I also don't think he's used to dealing with someone who is as passionate as I am, in general. I joke that I live my life with the dial set to eleven; I feel my feelings in a magnified sort of way, which is beyond wonderful when things are going well and rather rough when they are not. I generally manage my emotions fairly well, and I have to admit that sharing my NRE with him has been pretty wonderful too.

So how do we handle this? We both read the books, and we're putting emphasis on remembering that our partner speaks our language with a slight foreign accent. So when we need a certain kind of response, we mention that before we get into the thought or feeling we want to share. If I'm upset about something, I ask him to restate back what I've said so that I can be sure he understands me, and then I share the thought or feeling. If he needs something from me, I recognize that he may not be able to share it right away and that I will hold space for him to find his words. Together, we can take this as an opportunity to deepen our connection simply by prioritizing it.

Poor guy has been sick this week and my life has been beyond busy with family and work stuff, so we haven't seen each other or talked beyond a few texts in the last week. I am hoping to see him for our regular date night tomorrow but it'll depend on how he's feeling- I don't really want to get sick either, let alone Henry or Kiddo. I'm looking forward to seeing him again soon, though.

I haven't gotten as much quality time with Henry either since there's been so much going on. He's got a giant work project on deadline plus he's getting snipped on Friday so that's taking up a lot of his time and energy! Isn't real life fun? Who would have thought that with two lovely men in my life that I'd still be missing sex and cuddles right now? Although I've been pretty tired too since things have been so hectic, and I could really use a few nights of good sleep. I don't like sleeping alone, but Henry has been sleeping in the other room since he's been waking up at stupid hours and I sleep so lightly that he'll disturb me and make things worse. I feel like we're missing out on some intimacy there but not much to be done about it.
 
I'm just feeling bone weary lately. My chronic health conditions are flaring and that's been causing problems, plus I have just been overdoing it. There isn't much to be done about that though since stuff needs to get done. I really, really need a break though.

Henry had a vasectomy on Friday. That was a tough call for both of us. He has no biological children and I just have Kiddo. I wanted more children and he would have liked to have one, but between us both having chronic health problems and tight finances, we chose not to. I am old enough now that it wasn't something that we could wait and hope to see improvement, so we decided to make that choice because we didn't want to risk an accidental pregnancy with someone else, where we can't control the outcome. I told him upfront that I would not be okay in the kind of situation where we are living together and he's co-parenting with someone else. If he wanted to have kids with someone else, that's totally his choice, but then I would prefer to end things.

At least we have Kiddo. Henry is a wonderful father and I feel lucky that we have one child to raise. I have to admit seeing some of my friends with little babies now... a big part of me is glad that isn't me. I don't miss the overwhelming functional nature of life in the early years. I like having more freedom like we do now, where I don't have to be "on" all the time. I do love children though and I'll be sad that I am not having any more babies. I would like to think that I'm a good mother and that I'm raising a good kid. I even enjoyed my pregnancy, mostly.

But I think that this was one decision where I would probably be okay whichever path we had chosen to take. I don't think I'd have regretted another child, I'd just be even more exhausted. And I don't think I'll regret not having one either... just those little wistful thoughts.

Henry really is an amazing life partner though. I am so, so lucky to have him in my life and to share this journey with him.
 
I know one of the issues that comes along with my chronic illness is memory loss, so sometimes I can't remember what things were like early in my relationship with Henry. I am glad I journaled some here, but I wish I had written more. I need to figure out how to back up the things I write in all the various places online so that I have it for myself one day.

It was sparked by a thought with Charles, that I wondered if I had experienced some of the same growing pains with Henry, and neither Henry nor I remembered. I know things were drastically different because he was dealing with pretty severe health issues and I was completely shattered from Mark walking out on me and Kiddo. So our NRE got cut short way early and we spent a lot of time mostly in survival mode.

I look at the people we were then and the relationship we had, and I wonder how we got from there to here. I'm still crazy, but nothing like I was before. I honestly believe that Henry and I have not only grown together, but that we make each other better versions of ourselves. I've taken some of the rough edges off him, and he's done the same for me in different areas.

Henry is my best friend. I feel there is literally nothing that I can't talk to him about, no place that I have to fear being vulnerable to him anymore. He has seen me through the good and the terrible, and he accepts and loves me for who I am.

It's not that we don't have places of conflict- we are still very different people, fundamentally, and we have different frames of reference. But we try to always approach things remembering first and foremost, that we love our partner.

I remember with Mark that he always complained that I never cut him any slack when he did something wrong. I remember feeling like his lack of attention to my requests meant that he didn't care about me. And honestly- I think that was true. I was not a priority to him, so neither were my requests. I had to learn that when Henry and I had similar issues, that I was not "cutting him slack" but remembering that he was trying his best and that sometimes he would screw up. And sometimes I would screw up too, and how would I want to be treated? By remembering that we love each other and that we are always trying our best for each other, it makes it so much easier to deal with issues without attacking the other person and to resolve them and move on without the anger and bitterness and bad feelings I used to have in my first marriage. This is a whole different ballgame and it's so much more loving and connected.

I feel like there are so many places in our relationship where we just get things right. That it feels so much healthier than the way things used to be in my life. Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed a bit with all the positive feelings that I have for Henry. I told him, and I believe it, that I feel like I love him a little bit more every single day, and that I appreciate having him in my life. I feel like he is in my corner no matter what, and I hope that I make him feel the same way.

I think that some of the changes that have happened are simply part of growing up a bit- but I don't think I'd be the person I am today without him, and I don't think he'd be the person he is today without me. I'm so glad I took that gamble four and a half years ago- sometimes you get lucky and hit the jackpot.
 
I had such a beautiful poly holiday this year. Still feeling all warm and happy about it.

Henry and I were hosting Christmas Eve, and we invited my parents, Charles, and a few friends to join us. Henry's family are snowbirds so they weren't around.

My parents had already met Charles at Thanksgiving, so while I noticed my mom still feeling a little awkward at times, it went well. We all just had a lovely meal and good conversation. Then we put Kiddo to bed and stuffed the stockings and put all the presents under the tree, and went to hang out on the couch. Henry was at one end and Charles was at the other and I was kind of lying on both of them with my head on Henry and my feet on Charles. We were just all cuddly together and it was wonderful.

We decided that I would sleep with Henry on Christmas Eve, so that I don't always spend the special occasions with Charles. It felt a little weird putting Charles in the guest room but it worked out fine.

Then Charles was here for Christmas morning, and that was special to me. We don't have people over in the morning unless they're family, and while I wouldn't consider him that at this point, it was important to me. We never have friends over for Christmas morning. And he participated in our traditional snowman pancake breakfast with bacon scarves, and then we opened stockings and gifts.

I'm really tired because my chronic health conditions have been flaring up... but it's been a pretty darn good Christmas.
 
Thanks fuchka, you too!

The past couple of days has been another overflow of poly happiness :) Charles and Henry both had to work New Year's Eve, so I got stuff ready for our annual house party. It's super low key but we always have a massive spread of cheese and charcuterie, and people are invited to drop in whenever. It's a splurge but it's only once a year. Charles got there fairly early on, but Henry didn't get home until nearly ten. Still lots of time to relax with our friends and enjoy the food though.

We watched the ball drop, and I got two kisses at midnight :) Henry was really tired though and he went to bed not long after that. We had already planned that I would be spending the night with Charles, anyway. He had been a very good boy and worked so hard to make sure I was happy. He knows how much I enjoy receiving service and he made it a point to take care of my every need at the party and do the cleanup while I was still chatting so that I could go right upstairs when I wanted without lifting a finger.

Then we had to christen 2020 of course! I don't think we got to bed before 3am.

Today was just perfect though- loads of happy poly feelings. We slept in, and then Henry made gourmet omelettes like he does every January 1 with the leftover fancy cheese and meat. Then we all went out and hung out in the hot tub for an hour or so. Nothing too exciting- just hanging out like regular people. At one point Charles was holding my hand and Henry was rubbing my feet, but it was all just relaxing and affectionate. When we went back inside, Henry had some things to do so Charles and I had a shower and then decided to go spend some more quality time in the bedroom ;)

It's been a pretty amazing day, and an awesome start to the new year.
 
Things are going well in general, but I'm still bothered by the undercurrents, and I wound up sending Charles an email today. I'm not sure if it was a good idea or not since he has some stuff keeping him busy and requiring his attention at the moment, but it was bothering me enough to keep my mind racing when I should be sleeping, so I decided to deal with it.

He has improved at quite a few of the points we discussed before. I can see that he's making more of a point to invest in us and to block out more time for us. He's doing more of the little things to try and make me happy. I really appreciate both of those.

But I feel like little to no progress has been made on the actual issues of us not communicating well. He was given the book recommendations from my counselor over 2 months ago, and he hasn't read them yet. I know he could give me a whole litany of reasons (the holidays, working a lot, not wanting to do them as audiobooks at work because he wants to pay closer attention etc etc) but ultimately, that just says to me that this is not a priority to him and that makes me sad. He is a reader (although he prefers audio) so it's not the idea of books looming large- I know he's been "reading" over the holidays via audiobook.

He had even purchased a chastity device as we were talking about doing some chastity play, and he gave me the key. I told him that I was uncomfortable with the idea of doing kinky stuff until we got our communication issues hammered out, and that I'd told him that before. He said that was fine, he understood. I know we both miss the kink but I don't want to take that risk right now.

Then, we had a conversation that got a bit interrupted. I had asked him if he actually had the intention of reading the books (I can't remember my exact wording but obviously I was unclear because of his response) and he said that he didn't think he'd be able to do the counseling in January because he was going to be shorthanded at work and so busy. At that point we had people show up so we couldn't finish it, but it's been bothering me ever since.

I thought we had an agreement that we were both going to read the books, then talk to my counselor who would hopefully be able to give us some positive solutions to improve our communication. She offered us two dates in November, which he couldn't make. December she wasn't available. And now suddenly he didn't think he could manage January? I told him that made me feel like he didn't understand how important this is to me, and if time was such an issue then maybe we should cancel a date night and use that time instead.

It's been good having these few months to reconnect and focus on what we love about each other without rehashing the same issues over and over, but I'm not prepared to shelve them entirely because they will come back. I have no intention of continuing to get upset or argue about the same issue without attempting to resolve it.

I think maybe my wording came off a little harsh in the email though. Maybe I should have read it over more before I sent it. Normally I don't go this late in the day without hearing from him, so I assume he read it and has chosen not to reply yet. But, he does have stuff going on :p

I just don't really know what to do. My brain keeps telling me that this just might me a mismatch, but my counselor told me not to be so quick to scrap a relationship that clearly brings me a lot of happiness. I was really looking forward to her helping us. And I do love him, and he says he loves me. But I'm not sure that his actions and words match up. Or maybe they do to him? I don't know.

My gut reaction is just to back up and change my expectations, but he says he doesn't want me to do that. So I'm left wondering if he actually wants what he says he wants. Or if he wants it but not enough to commit resources to it.
 
So I posted a separate thread in the Relationships section with a basic summary, but I wanted to update here in more detail as well.

It seems like the problems are much more comprehensive than he's been telling me, but his coping mechanism of withdrawing/shutting out the world has made communicating about it difficult.

Charles suffers from major depressive disorder, and when he starts to feel stressed or overwhelmed, his default is to just withdraw pretty much completely, from everyone and everything. I didn't realize that he had such a severe issue. He says that it tends to be cyclical seasonally in the winter, but obviously there are other things going on since this has already been going on for a while now.

I just wish he had told me. The other day, I sent him an email which I thought was as clear as I could possibly make it. I stated my needs, wants, and expectations. I told him how I've been feeling about how things were going between us. If I had known he was in the middle of a depressive attack and this wasn't just a case of him being inexperienced in relationships or inconsiderate, I would never have sent it because I can only imagine how much it hurt him to read it, if he feels like he's failing me now too.

I am just not really sure where to go from here. I don't want to abandon him while he's in the middle of an episode, because I'd like to think I'm not that kind of person. But I also know that I have to protect my own mental health. This isn't the first time that I've been with a partner with depression, and the success of the relationship in both cases ultimately rested on whether my partner sought to help themselves. I know I am not a life raft, and I don't want to be. I don't know where that balancing line is. Also, I have to take Henry into account- if I pick up too much of Charles' suffering (I'm very heavily empathic) then I bring that home and it's bad for everyone.

I know that if I am not leaving, then I am pretty much going to have to accept that my needs are not going to be met in the short term, which sucks.

I guess I'm not really sure what to do, given that I don't want to break up with him at this point. I am willing to give him more time and see how it goes, but I don't know how best to support him, and I am pretty sure he won't have an answer to that.
 
I saw your other thread first, and came here to catch up.

I'm sorry that after such blissful holidays, parents' visit, intimacy, sleepovers, parties, it has come to this with Charles!

So, you think maybe he's been depressed for months, and that affects how well he communicates with you? He rallied for fun times, food, sex, presents, hot-tubbing, etc., over the holidays, but in reality, he's deeply struggling.

I'm sorry he refuses to read any books on communication, or to see a counselor with you or on his own. After all the good times, that sounds very frustrating.

It's possible to have "good time" friends, who are useless when hard times come. For me, that affects how much I can trust and love them.

Your suggestion of giving up a "fun date" to go see a counselor instead sounds good to me, and like a form of adulting, a commitment to being mature in handling issues, rather than just escaping into sensual pleasures and then going back to isolation.

You know you need to set some personal boundaries.

I'm glad you have a great relationship with Henry.
 
Oh believe me, I did think of that. I wondered if I was just investing too much in a relationship that doesn't have legs.

I genuinely don't think so, and if I'm wrong, I'll pay the price for it. I think he just tried really hard to put a good face on the days he knew were important to me, and figured he'd get to the other bits when he could. Which right now, is not at all.

I went to see him last night and we did a lot of talking. He finally started to really tell me what was going on instead of keeping it to himself. He is worried about screwing things up and then because of the way he processes feelings, then getting overwhelmed by how he'd feel seeing my reflected hurt.

For now, since he said it's a cyclical kind of thing, we agreed to lift the expectations and just try and keep things together in the meantime, and then reevaluate in the spring. I can't put my needs on hiatus forever without that damaging me, but when he at least tells me what is going on, I can try and meet him partway for a little while.

I'm pretty exhausted and wrung out today though.
 
If he just has SAD, there are treatments. Lights, vitamin D pills, even a gratitude journal.

I'm sorry you're so wrung out.

Pixi was quite enmeshed in depression and anxiety when I met her. She'd had a hard life. She made great strides with meds and years of therapy. It's amazing what a turnaround she made.
 
I'm not sure if it'd just SAD. I think that he has some mental health issues as well, but then again, don't we all? Well, at least I do lol.

I think a lot will depend on how he handles it. I can be okay putting my needs on the back burner for a little while, but not forever. I have to minimize blowback because both Henry and I are empathic in a way that doesn't even make sense to me, but it is what it is. I have to make sure that I don't go too far down the road myself. It's why I have to have an emotional barrier with an ex boyfriend of mine who is still a dear friend. He has severe depression and anxiety, and I know that one day he will actually kill himself. But since he does not want to help himself, there is no way to help him. And since he's not in imminent danger of self harm, the authorities can't help him, either. So we are still close friends but I have to keep that distance or else I wind up looking into the abyss with him.

I have a hard enough time managing when Henry is suffering from depression because I don't have any barriers with him. He is actually doing a lot better this year. I can see that he's having some issues, but the combination of meds he is on really seems to be helping him stay functional.

I got a text from Charles this morning thanking me for not giving up on him and telling me that it really helped for me to be there. At least that means I could help a little. I told him we can take it one day at a time.
 
I'm having a little trouble with emotional management today, so I figured I'd write here rather than do anything about it. I went to a concert last night and it was all love songs and I noticed it was definitely pulling some emotional chords more so than usual. Then I got home and realized I was ovulating like a freight train, so I suspect hormones are playing a big role in this too. Henry has promised to help me work out the sexual frustration once Kiddo is asleep at least.

But yeah... having a really tough time keeping Charles off my mind today. It's almost as intensely as it was during that very early NRE phase. I literally can't stop thinking about him. A bunch of it in there is worry for him. A big part of it is just very much feeling like I need to connect with him (I don't- I just WANT to connect with him), since that's one of my mechanisms for feeling safe and secure. Part of it is wanting that validation from him about how he feels about me. None of those things are helpful in the current moment, so I am acknowledging them and trying to move past them for today.

I am just scared about how all this is going to go. Yes, there are some issues in our relationship that we need to work on, but they have to be shelved for now so that Charles can get himself to a place where he has the spoons to meet me halfway. Asking for what I want now is not going to be productive because I know what the answer is. I can choose to either end things if the shelving is too difficult for me, or I can accept that the situation is fluid and that in a month or two, things will likely be different and I may be able to get what I want then.

But in the current moment, I just can't help but feel scared and sad. I don't feel like our story is finished, yet, but it might be. And I want things that I can't have because right now he needs my support or at least some space to get through it all, so me being clingy because I feel distance from him is beyond counterproductive. It's not easy for me, though, even though I can write it out.
 
I'm not sure if it's still hormones but I am still having a lot of issues with emotional management. I am sure part of it is that I'm sleeping like crap, so my stress tolerance is way down and little things affect me more.

The little negative voice in my head gets very loud in the middle of the night and then I wind up thinking about stuff and then it gets hard to shut down and go to sleep.

I know I'm also feeling lonely. Henry has a huge work project due this weekend so we haven't been able to spend much quality time together either, so my anxiety and other mental health stuff has been flaring, especially with the Charles stuff.

I guess some of this is just hard for me to understand. I don't understand withdrawing from someone unless it's a Them issue. I mean, I know it's a thing, because I've been told that. But I'm the kind of person who always feels better having someone support me while I'm going through things. I lean into them rather than withdraw. So that little voice in my head says maybe it's just that he doesn't like me enough to want to be connected, and I don't know if that's true or if it's my anxiety. We talked on Tuesday and he said he wanted to see me next week and he loves me but we haven't talked since. I've been giving him his space as requested.

I'm really not liking the way I'm reacting, though. In some ways it feels like a breakup but without the finality that lets you walk away. Because I'm left with this uncertainty about what's actually going to happen between us. I can manage shelving my needs for a limited period of time- my plan was at maximum, until April, and then reevaluate from there. Obviously, I can't do this long term without completely adjusting my expectations and treating this more like a FWB situation- that we see each other when we see each other, without requiring much maintenance in between. And it'll take some time for me to get my heart out of the crossfire in that case. Would I want to do that, if that becomes the choice? I don't know. I think yes? But right now I'm hurting so it's harder to say.

But yeah, this undefined bit where I'm just kinda waiting to see what happens? I don't like it. I don't like that I am this upset, for one. I don't like that I feel like I'm only really able to react to whatever he decides. And I know I can just retake my autonomy and end it myself, but I'm not quite ready for the nuclear option yet and that's really the way I have control of anything at this point.

I reread that email I sent him about my needs, and it still feels like it rings true for me. So if we do get through this and we both still want to have a romantic relationship, those aren't negotiating points for me- they're boundaries. I can't compromise on them and be happy. And I won't know for some time if he either wants to or is able/willing to meet those needs. I don't think they are unreasonable. But even though I know he and I think about things differently (I think he may almost be on the spectrum, if not quite, and he certainly has low EQ), that insidious little voice in my head just keeps telling me that if he loved me then of course he would want to see me. Of course he would want to make sure I got my needs met. And I think that's probably a very self centred way of looking at things but it's how I am when I'm dating someone- I certainly do my best to give all the things that I would want in return. So when I don't get that back? It chips away at my sense of self worth.

I have an appointment with my counselor but not for another 2 weeks. In the meantime, I'm certainly struggling with my self care. Sometimes it's really hard for me to understand different perspectives more than intellectually, because the position is so foreign to me that it literally doesn't make any sense.

I'm not ready to walk yet because we've had so many good times and I do hope that we can get back to that place again. But right now? I really hurt and I don't know how to stop focusing on it. I am obsessing in a really unhealthy way because I feel like I'm spinning in the wind. The lack of self determination really messes me up.
 
I guess some of this is just hard for me to understand. I don't understand withdrawing from someone unless it's a Them issue. I mean, I know it's a thing, because I've been told that. But I'm the kind of person who always feels better having someone support me while I'm going through things. I lean into them rather than withdraw. So that little voice in my head says maybe it's just that he doesn't like me enough to want to be connected, and I don't know if that's true or if it's my anxiety.
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I usually decide to take people at face value. So if they say they are withdrawing cos of a Them thing, I decide that's true. It may or may not be, but it breaks my brain to second guess someone. So often we can doubt people because they don't work like us. Sounds like this is definitely happening in your case. You wouldn't withdraw, you'd lean in. So if Charles isn't leaning in, it must be a You thing. You know Charles isn't you. Yes, he could be unaware of his own machine or he could be misleading you. Are you able to operate on always second guessing your partners? By trusting their word, you also create an environment where they have to own their words. By their words, they create a reality between you. That responsibility is on them.
 
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