So, just to toss around some ideas, is there another ethical approach, or somehow soon to be ethical approach to the oh so common love triangle?
Measured against WHOSE personal ethics, though?
While I'm sympathetic, and I try to center that the OP that is posting about their struggle, and I'm not going to condemn anyone for struggling, measured against my personal ethics, I'd sort out old business before starting up new business. For me it isn't a problem. I never promised monogamy in the first place. I'm one of the few like that here.
I'm also older and don't experience the same kind of grief/wailing/gnashing of teeth that younger people seem to do over break-ups or change. I think when you are young and haven't had many relationships under your belt, it hits you differently than when you are older and have lived though that and other griefs. It still stinks to be sad and grieving over a break up, but it's not this scary thing. You know you have lived through it before and can get through it again. There's a comfort in that, which young people don't always have yet, so it adds to their stress.
Another thing that sometimes adds to their stress is being decisive and making hard calls. Again, I'm older. I've had to make hard calls in my personal life, in my work life, etc. So if I have to make another one, I reflect and then I just make the best call I can and own it. Sometimes people won't like me because of the call I made, and I'm ok with that.
Some people are going to struggle with making hard calls.
Singles that wonder about poly don't carry the fear of "losing my (other) relationship." There isn't another relationship to consider. It's the coupled people. If a person who is coupled is wondering about poly
after promising monogamy, and maybe changing their minds about monogamy, or having promised that without really thinking about it, or realizing there are other relationship models? For them, them sorting old business first becomes: WHICH old business first?
- How they were raised and going on a different path than that
- Changing their core beliefs about love, relationships -- maybe actively thinking about it for the first time rather than going on auto-pilot?
- Dealing with their current relationship and asking partner if they'd consider poly
- Depending on who the crush is... dealing with LGBTQ+ awakenings
- Crushing on a roomie, a coworker, the best friend of the partner, other messy people
- Worries about family/friend support
- Being honest with themselves -- is it really wanting poly or just wanting to line up a new person before dumping the old one because they are scared to be alone; or wanting to keep the old person around for a safety net; or from guilt?
- What about dealing with internal struggles with having a crush, for wanting to leave the old partner, or other things?
Say they ask their partner if they are up for a change. Depending on the answer:
The couple....
- Stops being a couple. One of them wants out.
- It is a peaceful parting
- It is a messy parting
- Decides to let the poly idea go and stick with monogamy
- Decides to change to a new poly model... but fails.
- They let polyamory go, and try a different non-monogamy that works better for them
- They return to monogamy
- Or they break up.
- It is a peaceful parting
- It is a messy parting
- Decides to change to a new poly model and succeeds.
I find that many times it's largely anticipatory grief, like the bargaining stage of grief -- knowing that eventually they have to make a choice, but
trying to avoid having to make it by getting both partners to just agree to poly. Poly in that sense is being used like a "band-aid." I think it just leads to mess.
(Also, I'm watching an episode of M*A*S*H wherein the most faithful of husbands, BJ Hunnicut, is grappling with falling for another woman but, being BJ, he simply walks away.)
I remember that episode. Carrie gets dumped by her husband in a letter. BJ tries to console her and they end up sharing sex, even though he's married to Peg. They both struggle with how to continue as coworkers. Carrie wants to transfer out. Potter stops her. BJ struggles with what to tell his wife. He's writing her a letter and Hawkeye stops him and tells him not to send it. BJ and Carrie talk it out and decide to set it aside as a one-time thing, and choose to carry on with their field hospital work as coworkers and friends.
War conditions are a whole other thing, but I can see possible parallels.
Say that's the hypothetical couple. Let's simplify it down-- no war, no divorce, no war time fling, no coworkers, just bare bones.
BJ and Carrie
He has an attraction to her and suspects it is mutual. She's single and he's married.
Does BJ have things to square up internally first? Does he want help with that from a friend or therapist, or does he want to sort it on his own?
Should BJ tell his wife Peg about his crush on Carrie? Does he tell Peg about his internal struggles?
Should BJ tell Carrie about his crush on Carrie? Does he tell Carrie about his internal struggles?
Who does he tell first? His wife; the potential; or a friend or therapist (before telling either his wife or his potential)?
GalaGirl
