Wanting Polyandry dilemma

C

Cedar

New member
I'm seeking some guidance. Here's the scenario: I met my DH when I was very young and soon after, met his BFF. I fell in love with both of them but kept it to myself for many years. I never expressed my feelings because BFF seemed happy with his wife. I was truly able to feel compersion and just enjoyed his company when we shared vacations etc.

A few years ago, I felt BFF's loneliness and unhappiness with his wife. I was feeling the same way about DH at the time. It became impossible to hide my feelings and BFF saw them. It became clear that BFF reciprocated but we never spoke directly about it. We started talking more online and BFF shared music with me. After a while, I realized that the music was a direct message. We communicated indirectly through music for a few months but have never spoken directly. I have tried to make that happen but there's a 6hr time difference that makes a private conversation difficult.

I *think* we are saying that we want to be together. I have tried to explain my poly feelings but this form of communication is too limited. I finally decided that this situation was unethical. I have never betrayed trust like this before. My DH suffers from anxiety and I have to share schedule changes, difficult news etc carefully to avoid triggering it. So, I finally came out to him as poly and told him that I also love his BFF. I didn't mention the music and didn't try to speak on behalf of BFF. I intend to share that after the first bit of information sinks in.

Naturally, he was shocked but seemed primarily concerned about ensuring that I love him. It's been a few days now and DH hasn't asked if BFF reciprocates and hasn't asked what prompted this confession. He hasn't mentioned it at all and acts like nothing happened.

Meanwhile, I tried to let BFF know that I want to talk about my polyamorous feelings. I think he may actually have asked his wife for a divorce, thinking that I was going to leave DH for him.

I really hope that he didn't do that but it's difficult to know for sure. I truly love both of these intelligent, interesting men. Both are terrible about communication. I feel terrible for creating this situation. I own the fact that I am the one who revealed myself. Now, it seems that I have to choose who I will hurt. I just wish that we could have direct, honest communication about this mess. I don't want to force poly on either of them. I just want to talk this through and see if we can find a way to preserve positive relationships in some mutually agreeable way. I am genuinely deeply concerned about their well being but what I want most of all is BOTH of them. I think that the only thing I can do is to try to be honest and compassionate and try to get them to talk to me.

To be honest, while I love DH, I don't like living with him. He's extremely negative and refuses to treat his anxiety. I dream of living with BFF and actually building a social life with him (DH is very antisocial). I don't want to hurt either of them but I so rarely put myself first. I only want them to discuss and consider polyandry. If it's a no, that's fine. I just will have to choose one of them or decide to be alone. Thoughts?
 
You seem very clear about where you stand and what you need to do.

You love dh but don't want to live with him, since he refuses to seek treatment for his anxiety.
You love bff but he's 6 hours away.
Bff may also love you.
Bff may have filed for divorce, and you suspect it's to have you instead of his wife.
Dh is aware you love bff but isn't talking about it.
You are unhappy but you never put your own needs first.
You are thinking about the men's needs first.

I think many of us reach a point in life where we realize we aren't going to live forever. We can create the life we truly want, if we just take action.

If you're fed up with dh and his untreated mental illness, you have probably told him so. And been told he's not going to change.

You deserve something better. Whether it will actually be better with bff, remains to be seen. So far it's a fantasy.

You want to keep dh in some kind of relationship with more independence, it seems. But maybe you want to start an actual relationship with bff too.

All you can do is be honest. And let the men know the truth, and manage their own response to it. You don't have to carry dh's emotions for him. Women often do this for men (btdt myself) and it's not healthy.

Maybe you should read more about polyamory before you start talking about it. I recommend the website More Than Two, and the book Opening Up, for starters.
 
Hello Cedar,

I definitely agree with you that you need more direct, honest communication with both DH and BFF. If you need to do it in stages that's one thing, I can see that, but if you can't ever do it at all then that's a problem. You need to tell both men exactly and completely how you feel, and you need them to tell you how they feel. At some point, you should probably also tell DH that you want to start living in separate domiciles, that is unless he starts getting help for his anxiety issues. But don't expect BFF to move out to live with you, let him decide that. And in any case, open up the channels of communication with both men. Don't silence yourself. True, they might say something to you that you don't want to hear, but it's better to know the truth, don't you think?

I hope this thread so far is helpful for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for your responses. I think Mags went to the heart of the problem. I've been afraid to voice my true feelings because it means hurting someone I love.

In my ideal world, I will form a mutually agreeable poly relationship but I understand that this may not be possible depending on how my two men feel. I have been a caretaker in so many ways and for so long that I find it difficult to be honest with myself about what I want. It's going to hurt DH but I have warned him. I have told him what I need and he isn't listening. He's going to be blindsided by this but there's not much I can do about that.

So, now the really hard work begins. Getting the courage to push these conversations forward. When I came out to DH, it was one of the most difficult things that I have ever done. That's saying a lot because I am the kind of person who takes on challenges that nobody else will touch. Putting my own needs and desires first is really pushing me out of my comfort zone. Just recognizing that is helpful. I should note that I carry a lot of baggage from childhood trauma and parents who constantly cheated on each other. Being honest and ethical about my situation is really important to me so, I am kinda forced to put my feelings upfront. Any other approach just feels wrong.
 
Cedar said:
So, now the really hard work begins. Getting the courage to push these conversations forward.....Putting my own needs and desires first is really pushing me out of my comfort zone.
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Then you need to practice, that's all. It needn't be an enormous moment that you muster courage for (which implies that you have a lot of fear in the mix right now.) Your honesty can come from a more secure place if you practice. Putting your own needs and desires first is really just becoming better at being honest. A lot of us didn't learn from good role models, so we have to practice a lot in adulthood, but claiming our own lives and setting our own boundaries gets easier and feels more natural the more you practice. There are many smaller areas in which you can practice that don't feel so life or death. The better you get in those smaller areas, the less you'll feel like you have to muster courage to be honest about bigger topics. Those conversations will come more naturally to you. The better you get at prioritizing your own needs, you'll see an improvement in all of your relationships, not just this one.

Hurtful honesty comes out of insecurity. Good, productive and loving honesty doesn't come out of courage so much as it comes out of self awareness and calm self respect.
 
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Something that comes up for me reading Mag's response about carrying DH's feelings... It seems like you're caretaking DH by not telling him things that might trigger his anxiety, and stressing about how you present things you do tell him.

I wonder, does that make it easier for DH to choose not to get help? What might happen if he had to "confront" his anxiety by being told things he doesn't like to hear, that he feels anxious and worried about?

What would happen if you just told him straight up, as nicely as possible but without holding anything back, everything you're thinking and feeling? Let his anxiety run rampant, it's not your responsibility to manage his mental health.

He's an adult, you're an adult, BFF is an adult. You don't have to assume responsibility for any of their feelings. If BFF left his wife "to be with you," that's not your fault or responsibility either. He wouldn't leave a perfectly good marriage on a wild card, so obviously they're having problems anyways. If he's using your affair as an excuse to leave, still not your fault. No amount of exchanging music is a promise to run away together!
 
SchrodingersCat said:
No amount of exchanging music is a promise to run away together!
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Hear hear.

Exchanging music isn't a conversation.

I'm getting the impression that there's very little plain English conversation going on anywhere in this whole mess. And yes, it does sound like a mess. Possibly a fun, flirtatious, possibly even romantic one between you and BFF, but it's also a recipe for disillusionment unless you start using plain language asap. Yes, it could "break the spell" of the unknown, (and fantasies are always going to better than reality) but right now this is a speeding train on unfinished tracks.

Back to the OP and polyandry, why not give it a whirl. Ask away. I know I enjoy having partners who have different interests, social groups, energy levels. I don't do it because I feel it's lacking in my nesting partnership, it's just part and parcel of spending time with different lovers. Of course, I wouldn't have to be in sexual or romantic relationships with the other to experience that if I hauled ass out of the house and made it happen for myself... perhaps you could make your own social life if it's something you feel is lacking? Put yourself first, then maybe you could sustain two relationships.
 
Cedar said:
We communicated indirectly through music for a few months but have never spoken directly. I have tried to make that happen but there's a 6hr time difference that makes a private conversation difficult.
...My DH suffers from anxiety and I have to share schedule changes, difficult news etc carefully to avoid triggering it.
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You are putting your communication fears on the men and the circumstances when these are all your communication fears. You are afraid to be you. You'll get a lot more out of looking into what your fear is all about than you will by navigating endlessly around others in efforts to avoid what you're afraid of. Are you hip to Girl, Wash Your Face ?

"What is crushing women? Other people's opinions."
 
Thank you again! I needed to hear exactly what was said here. Girl Wash Your Face is awesome! Just what I needed and yes, I was placing my communication fears & challenges on my men.

I talked directly to BFF finally and it was a good conversation and a tremendous relief. We will see where it goes. I think that the issue about not being honest with myself about my needs/desires is complicated but partially due to fear about how "weird" my poly feelings are. Just finally expressing my feelings makes me feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. Both men were surprised but understanding. I feel so much better not having this lurking in the dark. You all made a big difference for me!
 
That's awesome Cedar, you opened up. Keep us posted as the situation progresses!
 
Cedar said:
Thank you again! I needed to hear exactly what was said here. Girl Wash Your Face is awesome! Just what I needed and yes, I was placing my communication fears & challenges on my men.

I talked directly to BFF finally and it was a good conversation and a tremendous relief. We will see where it goes. I think that the issue about not being honest with myself about my needs/desires is complicated but partially due to fear about how "weird" my poly feelings are. Just finally expressing my feelings makes me feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. Both men were surprised but understanding. I feel so much better not having this lurking in the dark. You all made a big difference for me!
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That's fantastic news! But I am dying to know, what was the outcome of your conversation with BFF? Were words of love, and confirmation of shared feelings, expressed?

You don't have to tell us, of course. I'm just really curious!

I guess the next plan is "seeing where it goes." That's pretty open-ended. I'm glad both men were "understanding."

Is BFF getting a divorce? Was he doing that in hopes something more could happen with you, or had the marriage just run its course, and it had nothing to do with his feelings for you?
 
Updating

I missed Mags' question. The answer is that BFF was supportive. He said that I am very special to him and laid out boundaries. His place is with his family & our relationship would be platonic. He agreed to continue talking. I really appreciated the discussion and was ok with the boundaries. I was glad that he stated them so clearly.

However, he literally played a different tune through his musical communication. He completely contradicted what he said in person. We talked weekly and it was always warm but never focused on our relationship. We went back and forth with this surreptitious conversation. While it's obviously limited, one can say a lot through music. BFF is in a loveless marriage. He loves me but he won't be the light to my torch. He asked for me. He tried to drive me away then asked for me again.

I let this go on way too long. I tried to cut it off but couldn't. Finally I had enough and told him that we must talk directly and honestly. I immediately told my DH that I want to be with both of them. He listened and expressed confusion but also acceptance of me (not my desires). It was a short conversation.

Both men have been supportive. They listened and expressed concern for me but talking frankly about the situation is progressing at a glacial pace.
I think that there's a lot of inner work going on. I am sorting out trauma and family of origin issues and trying to understand my feelings. I have avoided speculating about why BFF and DH are so uncommunicative. I can't really control that. What I can control is myself and I think it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor. I am not convinced that I will be able to find one who will actually help but I can give it a try. I can also just stop listening to music. It seems crazy that I have allowed this to continue. To the outside world I look like a strong, confident leader. I have been pretty damn weak about this. I probably am just too attached to an unrealistic dream. If we can't communicate, a poly relationship won't work. The best I can do is use this as an opportunity to grow.
 
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