Was about to break up with gf, then she turned out to be pregnant

J

Justinx

New member
Hey all, I would like to have an outsiders perspective on a pretty wrecking situation.

I've been together with my gf for about 3 years now (I'm 35 and she is 28). From the start I felt she wasn't the one, but it was 'convenient'. We had good sex and a person to share movies with and cuddle with. I never felt butterflies, and I was at a point in my life where I was trying to get over my previous relationship, which I still consider to be the true love of my life, but I was too young and didn't take it serious.

When I met my current gf and we had sex for the first time, she turned out to still be a virgin. I instantly felt bad and didn't really want to be 'that guy' cause it would become serious instantly. On the other hand I didn't want to deny her the experience because she had suffered a lot in her previous relationship and really wanted to experience sex for the first time.

So I went ahead and felt (wrongly) that I sort of had to start a relationship with her now. Long story short, over the last years I always felt we had more of an 'understanding' instead of a real relationship. We can get along for a while, but we only see each other in weekends.

I've broken up with her about 3 times now, and since I wasn't sure what to really do (now it's all clear but it's hard when you are inside the relationship), I always stuck with her.

In summer I decided to go on a 2 week vacation with her in the south of france, together with my mom (my mom usually knows what's good for me and is a good people judge), to see what she thought of her and if we should stay together or not.

Halfway the vacation my mom said I should break up with her and she's not the right person for me, and that she has a narcissistic personality syndrome. She's not a psychologist, so take that with a grain of salt, but the verdict was clear. After the vacation was over my mom told me I had to break up, because I would not become happy with her.

So a couple of weeks later I did, but since I'm already getting older and was used to the convenience, I backed out of my decision a day after and made it up with her again. Looking at it later I should have bitten the bullet but it's easier said than done.

A couple of weeks ago I finally told her that I needed a week to put everything together, and I would tell her my decision. During that week I came to the conclusion that I'm going to go through with it and break up.

When I call her to tell her, she tells me she just found out that she was pregnant. Now, I know you think it might be a lie, but we went to the doctor together and it's real.

I'm at a loss what to do now, cause I always wanted children, but I want it with the right person. Pregnancy is supposed to be an amazing happy period, but in the last weeks I've felt mostly really bad about it. I don't know what to do: Stay with a person that I don't want to be with or break up with her and deal with all the consequences (not just for her and myself, but also for the baby).

Her parents are more than happy to take care of the child together with her, and she wants to ultimately give me the freedom to choose. She even wants to still give me full access to the child. Obviously I try not to bring up a final decision until I make it. The moments I've tried to discuss the 'consequences' and how we would arrange everything (I don't mind paying child support and making sure the child has a good life), she freaks out and the hormones aren't helping.

That being said, it could have been with a worse person. She's loyal, and is open to feedback and improving herself. The big downside is that she's not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She's too bitchy for me, she is not spiritual, and I really crave that love of a sweet and spiritual girl that I have a real connection with, not a superficial one. We do care for each other, but when I see myself together with her for the rest of my life, I become extremely unhappy. It's such a difficult choice and it tears me up cause I would really love to create a happy family with the right person. Please share your thoughts.

Thanks,
Justin
 
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Not sure why you're posting about this here, since this isn't a poly situation. But yes, obviously, end the relationship for good already. It's a huge shame for the child-to-be that you waited until it came to this point, but having children doesn't make a relationship stronger, it will only test the relationship even more, and this is a relationship that's failing already. You know you should do this, so why are you looking for yet more confirmation of what you already know? Grow a spine, end it, and support her and the child WITHOUT continuing to engage in an intimate relationship that you were never even into.
 
Just because she got pregnant doesn't mean she has to have a baby, you know. Of course, it's ultimately her decision and not yours, and if she's set her mind on it, you can only decide if you want to help parent or just pay child support.

Gone are the days when getting pregnant automatically binds you to parenthood and marriage. Hopefully her reasons for wanting to continue the pregnancy are valid, and not because she feels she has to, or because her parents think she should or because she's trying to force you into a lifelong commitment.

You should have been honest with this woman years ago. Keeping someone around out of convenience smacks of USING another human. Now, you might be stuck with her for life as a coparent. Sucks for sure.
 
I am sorry you are dealing in this. I would like to lift these up to you in case it helps you to see it like a list:


  • I want to break up with her
  • she's not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
  • She's too bitchy for me, she is not spiritual
  • I really crave that love of a sweet and spiritual girl that I have a real connection with, not a superficial one.
  • when I see myself together with her for the rest of my life, I become extremely unhappy.
  • I would really love to create a happy family with the right person.
  • I don't mind paying child support and making sure the child has a good life

My suggestion?

  • Break up with her. If she "freaks out" -- stand firm. You did not stand firm all the other times you broke up with her -- for once, do so.
  • It's fine you guys confirmed she's pregnant... but are you able to get a paternity test? Just in case, since your mom thinks she's a narcissist and you talk about "(now it's all clear but it's hard when you are inside the relationship)" Something seems off to me there somewhere so confirm that this baby is by you.
  • Make fair arrangements to provide for the child and for her prenatal care.
  • In future when you are not sharing sex to procreate, but more for recreation? Use a condom.
  • Take personal responsibility. You are responsible for every sperm that comes out of your body. If you were lukewarm on this woman, you could have avoided going bareback. Learn from this going forward.
  • Take personal responsibility. Before sex share, talk to your partner and come to terms about what happens should a condom break. That's not a convo you want to have after it happens.

I think you could do a better job of protecting you from these situations. :(

Galagirl
 
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Thanks everyone for the feedback so far. Extra special thanks for galagirl for taking the time to list the issues, so I can relate to them later.

Yes, I should have been more clear with her, although I have told her multiple times that she was not the one for me and I was never truly in love with her. I'm also pretty sure she planned this to be an 'accident'. The reason why is that after the last breakup and then getting back together, she told my brother in law that she planned on getting pregnant soon. We usually only have sex 'till the end' right before and after her periods (max 1-2 days). However, last time I had a feeling her periods passed already for more than 1-2 days, and she told me it was only like 2 days ago and it should be fine. This is the time I think she sort of 'trapped' me. I know it's my fault for not taking precautions and I will take responsibility for that. On the other hand it also shatters a lot of trust that I had in her. And that is another one of the reasons I want to break up with her.

On the other side of the coin, I'm still trying to tell myself that it could be possible to live with her. I actually do love her, cause we've been together for 3 years, and we have our nice moments together. But I know that I've been the one who's been adding most of the joy and beauty to our relationship. I'm the one who started being like fun and silly children to each other, cause I think it's important to share this with your mate. She does have her positive sides, like caring about me at the right moments and supporting me when I had a bad day at work. So it's very tricky for me, and if it would have been 100% clear I would have broken up with her without question. But it's always been a struggle cause she does have a couple of good sides which are very attractive. And that's why I could never pull the plug and not look back. And now it's even harder cause the child is there.

In regards to posting this on the poly forum: I'm poly myself but decided to live monogamous cause it's so hard to find the right people. Also, I think this forum is a place with the most mature and knowing people in the world, with great advice.
 
Justinx said:
We usually only have sex 'till the end' right before and after her periods (max 1-2 days).
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Seriously? You do have internet access right? Even my high school sex-ed class from 30 years ago taught that this is one of the least effective methods of birth control.

Break it off with her or you will end up resenting her and things will just get really ugly with a kid in the middle. Spend a few hours researching birth control that actually WORKS. In the future wear a condom and don't date crazy.
 
Anytime I wanted the get pregnant all I had to do was have sex the day after my period ended.

Hell women have gotten pregnant while on their period.

Why in the heck would you continue a relationship for 3 years if you didn't truly like or love them. That it's just cruel. Now you get spend the rest of your life dealing with her. Hope she isn't overly dramatic. She will make every relationship after her uncomfortable.
 
I am going to be very direct with my opinion.

I think this unborn, unplanned child deserves better parents than a lukewarm couple who screwed up birth control, and a father who dislikes the mother but is willing to make a marriage commitment based on "a few good spots." This is foolishness. I can only hope you are working through the stages of grief and are in "bargaining" mode and not serious about marrying someone you do not like. I strongly suggest you seek a counselor to support you in this time and help you think this out straight. You sound wobbly, and that is not a good head space to be making life changing decisions from.

Could get you on track. Could learn to take responsibility, could become a person of character and substance. I think you have some room to grow there. You seem to lack "decisiveness" and "integrity" to me for character traits. You could develop them. You also seem to treat yourself with less than self respect to me. I do not know why. Could seek a counselor to sort that out with and help you stop doing that.

As for the rest? You sound like you are coming out of the FOG but in danger of getting hoovered.

http://outofthefog.net/

has the trait lists and the toolbox list on the side. I hope that helps you enough so you get you to a counselor. Again, you could not make life changing decisions like marriage while messed up.

Support the mother fairly in prenatal care costs and support the child postnatal. If a paternity tests show this baby is yours and if his/her mother is a lying narcissistic person that seeks to entrap people? That poor child is going to get engulfed with propping mom up for her narcissistic supply.

Could step away now to become healthier you so can offer your child a healthier oasis later.

Build the healthy family you want to build for you. And for this child. It does not help the child any for you to stick around to drown in a marriage you do not want like you are trying to alleviate your guilt by punishing yourself. Step up and make fair provision while you step back to work on you and get yourself together instead. That is more constructive.

If yours, give that kid a shot at a healthy, solid single father, or a healthy solid married father with a solid , healthy stepmom. Not two unhealthy parents in a wonky marriage built on shaky foundation! :(

I am sorry you got yourself into this, but you have to be the one to get you OUT. Could move on to hire helpers you need...a lawyer, a counselor for yourself, etc. But get it together, dude. Step up to the plate. Take personal responsibility and stop your mess from getting bigger. You are free to choose in life, but not free from the consequences of your choices.

It started here with your poor choice:

I've been together with my gf for about 3 years now (I'm 35 and she is 28). From the start I felt she wasn't the one, but it was 'convenient'.
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You threw away 3 years of your life on a lukewarm person for handy sex. Now you want to throw away the rest of your life on marriage you do not want to a person you do not like?

Rather than focussing your energies on responsible coparenting? And rather than putting your energies into this?

I really crave that love of a sweet and spiritual girl that I have a real connection with, not a superficial one
Click to expand...

If you want more authentic relationships, you stop making/continuing superficial ones first. It begins with YOU.

Put more energy in building UP. Not in tearing more DOWN.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Justin,

Ok, first things first. Many of us find ourselves in situations that aren't by-the-book ethically fantastic or right for us. Many of us have settled for less than we want, gone after people we shouldn't, remained with people who aren't good for us, or whatever else. It's human to make mistakes. What's important is that you learn from your mistakes and focus on what you can do in the here and now.

In the here and now, you are facing the following three issues:

1. Will you remain in a *relationship* with the person that you love and care for, but that you cannot imagine being happy spending your life with?

2. What role will you play in your child's life?

3. What does your child need?

For me personally? I could co-parent with someone I wasn't *in* love with, but I'd have to have a massive amount of respect and harmony with them for us to co-parent in a close-knit manner. And I'd sure as hell want to be free to find someone I could love romantically. If I didn't have this level of respect for them, and we simply didn't get along harmoniously, we'd have to co-parent quite separately... i.e. joint custody and make formal agreements about who makes decisions such as schooling, etc.

In my opinion, it's not a good idea to remain in a relationship with this woman. This is undoubtedly going to be worse for your child than better. No child enjoys growing up with parents who don't work well together. What example does that set for your child? How will your child flourish in that environment?

It's time to step up and free her and yourself from the relationship. It's not working. You're only 35. Don't stick with her because you fear being alone. And if you're actually poly? Why not give that another go for a while? You've got an opportunity here to work on yourself and live your life.

As for your child and what he or she is going to need. I don't think that children need to be raised with one mother and one father. As long as children are raised in healthy environments, I believe that they do very well in life. However, you do have a choice to make, and you do need to make the decision soon. If you choose not to be in your child's life because you want to fulfill your own happy family ideal, well... Honestly? It's plain selfish. Your decisions should be based on what you feel you can bring to your child's life. It doesn't matter how your child came to exist or how you feel about his/her mother. What matters is that this is your child, and you have to think about what he/she is going to need.

It sounds to me that you aren't wanting to, or ready to, completely cut ties with the mother. So, why not start re-imagining how this can work in a healthy way? Why not consider how joint custody might work? Why not consider how you can be more involved during the pregnancy stage as a FATHER, but not as a PARTNER to the mother? Be her friend and co-parent instead?
 
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Justinx said:
Hey all, I would like to have an outsiders perspective on a pretty wrecking situation.

I've been together with my gf for about 3 years now (I'm 35 and she is 28). From the start I felt she wasn't the one, but it was 'convenient'. We had good sex and a person to share movies with and cuddle with. I never felt butterflies, and I was at a point in my life where I was trying to get over my previous relationship, which I still consider to be the true love of my life, but I was too young and didn't take it serious.

When I met my current gf and we had sex for the first time, she turned out to still be a virgin. I instantly felt bad and didn't really want to be 'that guy' cause it would become serious instantly. On the other hand I didn't want to deny her the experience because she had suffered a lot in her previous relationship and really wanted to experience sex for the first time.

So I went ahead and felt (wrongly) that I sort of had to start a relationship with her now. Long story short, over the last years I always felt we had more of an 'understanding' instead of a real relationship. We can get along for a while, but we only see each other in weekends.

I've broken up with her about 3 times now, and since I wasn't sure what to really do (now it's all clear but it's hard when you are inside the relationship), I always stuck with her.

In summer I decided to go on a 2 week vacation with her in the south of france, together with my mom (my mom usually knows what's good for me and is a good people judge), to see what she thought of her and if we should stay together or not.

Halfway the vacation my mom said I should break up with her and she's not the right person for me, and that she has a narcissistic personality syndrome. She's not a psychologist, so take that with a grain of salt, but the verdict was clear. After the vacation was over my mom told me I had to break up, because I would not become happy with her.

So a couple of weeks later I did, but since I'm already getting older and was used to the convenience, I backed out of my decision a day after and made it up with her again. Looking at it later I should have bitten the bullet but it's easier said than done.

A couple of weeks ago I finally told her that I needed a week to put everything together, and I would tell her my decision. During that week I came to the conclusion that I'm going to go through with it and break up.

When I call her to tell her, she tells me she just found out that she was pregnant. Now, I know you think it might be a lie, but we went to the doctor together and it's real.

I'm at a loss what to do now, cause I always wanted children, but I want it with the right person. Pregnancy is supposed to be an amazing happy period, but in the last weeks I've felt mostly really bad about it. I don't know what to do: Stay with a person that I don't want to be with or break up with her and deal with all the consequences (not just for her and myself, but also for the baby).

Her parents are more than happy to take care of the child together with her, and she wants to ultimately give me the freedom to choose. She even wants to still give me full access to the child. Obviously I try not to bring up a final decision until I make it. The moments I've tried to discuss the 'consequences' and how we would arrange everything (I don't mind paying child support and making sure the child has a good life), she freaks out and the hormones aren't helping.

That being said, it could have been with a worse person. She's loyal, and is open to feedback and improving herself. The big downside is that she's not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She's too bitchy for me, she is not spiritual, and I really crave that love of a sweet and spiritual girl that I have a real connection with, not a superficial one. We do care for each other, but when I see myself together with her for the rest of my life, I become extremely unhappy. It's such a difficult choice and it tears me up cause I would really love to create a happy family with the right person. Please share your thoughts.

Thanks,
Justin
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Hi Justin, welcome to the board, and thanks for sharing your story. I took the liberty of adding paragraph breaks to your OP. Makes it much easier for people to read, and should get more response.
 
Others have given you good advice about the pregnancy and what to do. You're 35, man, not 19! Grow a set and act like a grownup.

I'm poly myself but decided to live monogamous cause it's so hard to find the right people. Also, I think this forum is a place with the most mature and knowing people in the world, with great advice.
Click to expand...

Some of us are quite mature and give fantastic advice and support, yes. So, here goes: what about this attitude of yours? To paraphrase: "It's too hard to find good poly partners, so I am going to be mono for 3 years with a woman I know isn't really right for me. Now I am even sinking lower because I am considering committing to her because we don't use condoms and we got pregnant."

Natural family planning can work, if the woman also takes her temperature and checks her mucus to make sure she isn't fertile. It takes commitment and self control. But this gf of yours wasn't doing that. Neither of you bothered doing it right.

It sounds like you are selling yourself short. Maybe you don't feel you deserve a full relationship, or decent ethical polyamorous r'ships, and you project this attitude out into the world when you date. Maybe you're lazy. Maybe you're sort of a douchebag. Not saying you are, but check yourself and your ethics.

You enjoy your inner child, and being playful, and that is great, but you needed your *mother* to tell you, a 35 year old man, that this woman, a virgin at 25 and sneaky and self centered, that you should break up for good.

Now you're considering committing to her despite knowing she told your brother in law that she was going to get herself pregnant from your sperm without your consent!

Yikes. What a world of shit.
 
I can't even... comprehend... a grown man asking his mother whether he should continue a relationship or not, and then saying he was trapped into fatherhood by his gf. Seriously?

You have the nerve to say you were trapped when a.) you saddled this woman into a relationship with you, complete with unprotected sex, for three years when you didn't have the guts to move on, and b.) you didn't even take one intelligent step toward making sure a pregnancy wouldn't happen. It takes two, man, really. Ever heard of a thing called birth control?

So, who exactly runs your life? Your mother or women who entrap you? End the relationship - your girlfriend deserves a better treatment than what you are capable of giving her!

I have a hard time believing that this is a real post!
 
Thanks sparklepop for the good advice and also thanks Magdlyn for making my post easier to read, really appreciate it.

There's a couple of things I'd like to say. It's not as black and white as it may appear. The problem is that I had the love of my life before I dated my current GF, and I broke up with her by giving up to soon (I'm still not really over her after 5 years).

Now, I'm preventing the same mistake, don't want to give up too soon, and I guess I want too far in the opposite direction. I'm not perfect, and I am more than willing to take responsibility for my actions. What I'm really trying to figure out is if I should stay with her or not.

I do love her and the reason why I got back together with her after I broke up last time is cause I felt I made a terrible mistake. I find it difficult to know my feelings sometimes. Do I really love her or did I get back to her the same day cause I was scared to be alone? To be honest I think during that very moment it was 90% love. After you've been with someone for 3 years it's hard to let them go. I'm very loyal and a person of habit.

It's a very difficult situation, cause we do have a strong connection and maybe she was not planning it all evil to get herself pregnant. We share the same ideas about a lot of things, including politics (which is a big thing for me). We are similar on an intelligence level and can have meaningful conversations. I always thought we could grow together and it could work out etc.

Without the kid thing I would probably have ended it, but now I face an even bigger issue cause if I end it now, theres no way back. Her family will probably hate me, and I have no idea how everyone else will react. It will look like I'm abandoning her because she got pregnant.

Also, I feel like I owe it to the child to try to make it work with her and maybe it won't be that bad after all. This way I can be a part of it and we can find out if it works between us or not. To be honest right now everything is going pretty much ok, even with her emotional swings.

We are doing our best to keep each other happy. I cook for her when she feels nauseous, we go for walks so she feels better. She tries to take me into account when she has to wake up early in the morning cause she's sick, by not making too much noise, etc. I can list 30 things which I think we do well.

On the opposite side of the coin I also knows she's not my true soulmate and she the type of character that does not make me happy long term. I'm hoping she will become softer cause of the child. Maybe that's stupid of me, I don't know.

My mom deciding is not entirely true, I decide for myself, but I look for her advice/opinion on crucial things in my life. Same thing with asking the opinion of my friends. The only difference is that my mom is usually right. I see nothing wrong with getting the advice or opinion of your parents, as long as you just see it as advice and you are the one deciding in the end.

Thanks for all your replies so far.
 
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She did not 'entrap' you. You're 35. You know that sex is a leading cause of pregnancy. You know pregnancy can and does result from sex. You know that women can't simply decide to Get Pregnant at will. (If that were true, there would be no market for infertility treatments.) You chose to have sex repeatedly, knowing you might get her pregnant, and then you blame her for getting pregnant and accuse her of 'entrapping' you? She didn't get pregnant all by herself.
 
I stand by my opinion.

I think you sound like you are in "bargaining stage" in the stages of grief.

I think you could benefit from a counselor to help you sort things out.

I think you could not marry someone you do not like as a person.

If you have enough in common to be friendly coparents who can talk about more than child care like politics and other interests? Could focus on being friendly coparents then.

Rather than trying to make it marriage. The bottom line is that you do not like her for marriage. Or you are up and down about it as you ride the emotional roller coaster. Neither is a solid "YES! I am well prepared and enthusiastic about marriage to her!" So may as well call it "working NO" so you can move it forward.

I think you could get a paternity test to make sure this child is yours. If so, you could make fair provisions/custody agreements with a lawyer's help.

I am very sorry you deal in this, but I strongly believe you are best off with a counselor and a lawyer at this time because these are big life changing matters you deal in. I think professional advice would serve you best.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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This thing where you keep changing your mind about breaking up with her-- that's incredibly cruel. It's mean. It's callous. It's the worst thing about this story. It makes you sound like the narcicisst, not her. It makes me worry that you are going to be in and out of this kid's life, depending on your whim and whether or not you feel like parenthood is a thing you find fulfilling that day.

Please prove me wrong. Break up with her, because stringing her along is not what she needs right now. Decide to be or not be a father (as opposed to a mere payer of child support). If you step up to that plate, recognize that the kid *is* the love of your life and treat them that way. Take the love you feel for this woman and use it to commit to being a good co-parent and friend, and while you're at it, commit to being a more honest communicator with future lovers. If you just feel friendly towards a lover, be clear about that.
 
Hi Justinx,

I am thinking that you and your (on-again off-again) girlfriend would make good platonic friends as life goes on, and possibly good co-parents as well, but lousy spouses to each other. You don't really love her, she doesn't really make you happy. That's not a recipe for a good marriage.

You often pine about the first lady you broke up with. I don't suppose there's any chance of getting back in touch with her? To me it seems like that's what you really wish could happen. Is she your one and only soulmate in the whole world? If so, then you'll be unhappy if you settle for anything less.
 
I know it is terrifying to imagine what others will think of you. But in the end, this is YOUR life. If her friends and family judge you for breaking up with her, that is something they need to deal with, not you. You need to do what is best for your own lifelong happiness. You are clearly saying that staying with her did not make you happy. Don't commit to someone based on the hope that it "might" work out.

But by all means, make every effort to be a father. That will probably help overturn people's opinions of you, as well.
 
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