Well.. this is Uncharted territory

Brj1721

New member
Hello everyone, my wife and I are in our early 40’s and have been married for 15 years and together for 21 years. We are truly best friends and have always had an amazing bond/relationship. We have been around the swinging lifestyle for many years but for most of those years we didn’t play with others. We would go to party’s and dance/flirt with other couples and take that sexual energy home. Along the way... we have cultivated an amazing group of very close friends that are either in the lifestyle or lifestyle friendly. About two years ago we started playing with a few people... it was fun and exciting for both of us and realized that it was just sex. Before we started playing with others we were so afraid it was going to lead down this dark road that could destroy our relationship... thankfully it didn’t and we had a few great experiences. One of the very few couples we played with (we call them the 4some) are in a poly relationship. I always found it strange how many of our swinger friends would shun the 4some. Saying things like... they are doing it wrong and how they don’t really love their spouses. Our response was always... why do you care? They are all happy. Of course while having sex with another person could lead to feelings, I never thought it would or could happen to us... well about a year ago we meet a couple at a friends pool party. I’ll just call them s&s. S&s were brand new to the lifestyle and were treading lightly. We invited them to a few of our house party’s and eventually they integrated with our group of close friends. We really liked them both from the start, both Attractive and genuine people. The physical attraction between the four of us was obvious. After hanging out with them many times we started having sex with them and it was very clear that my wife and the husband were crushing on each other... I thought it was really cute but for some reason I wasn’t feeling the same emotional connections with the wife. Fast forward a few months and now I’m starting to get closer and closer with the wife and now we are all seeing each other on a weekly basis. I would say that we are in love with s&s but if we keep down this path it could definitely happen. I feel like we’re organically getting into a polyamorous relationship with this couple. I say organically because it was completely unintentional. Has anyone here ever had this happen to them? I don’t know if I should nurture this relationship or stomp on the breaks.I do think our new found relationship with s&s is beautiful and we are both enjoying it immensely.... this is definitely uncharted waters for us and I don’t want to go down a path where my wife and I are going to get into trouble with our Marriage. How do some of you Separate feelings between your married partner and the ones you were seeing?
 

dingedheart

Active member
Hi and welcome to the forum😄

I’d say 9 time out of 10 the unintentional is what ends up working.

Why would you want to stomp out something you both find beautiful and immensely enjoyable ??? That seems really reactionary and silly. I think it might be a good idea to really educate yourselves on the pitfalls and risks specifically the 3 headers that make up what is referred to as poly Hell. Get some idea of what to expect from NRE that way you can take steps to either avoid or mitigate the damage specifically.

I think I simply separating feeling by separating the specific people. Plus I acknowledge that its OK to feel stronger connection or greater attraction for one vs another or think someone is brighter or funnier than my other partner. it’s ok that’s life. And life isn’t a single quality exam. Someone can have a rocking body and can fuck like an Olympic athlete but be rather boring out of the sack and others can pick up that piece of the overall puzzle.

DONT look for trouble by setting up rules and constrictions to preserve some idealistic concept of what your marriage is or was.
 

Brj1721

New member
Hi and welcome to the forum😄

I’d say 9 time out of 10 the unintentional is what ends up working.

Why would you want to stomp out something you both find beautiful and immensely enjoyable ??? That seems really reactionary and silly. I think it might be a good idea to really educate yourselves on the pitfalls and risks specifically the 3 headers that make up what is referred to as poly Hell. Get some idea of what to expect from NRE that way you can take steps to either avoid or mitigate the damage specifically.

I think I simply separating feeling by separating the specific people. Plus I acknowledge that its OK to feel stronger connection or greater attraction for one vs another or think someone is brighter or funnier than my other partner. it’s ok that’s life. And life isn’t a single quality exam. Someone can have a rocking body and can fuck like an Olympic athlete but be rather boring out of the sack and others can pick up that piece of the overall puzzle.

DONT look for trouble by setting up rules and constrictions to preserve some idealistic concept of what your marriage is or was.
Thank you for your response! I must have read it 5 times LOL I don’t want to put the breaks on whatsoever, I think I’m just nervous of the prospect of entering a new phase in our marriage. It’s very exciting and yes some of it is that new relationship energy. I know that s&s are having the same feelings. we’re afraid to bring it up just in case we miss judged..... we don’t want to ring a bell that cannot be unheard. We certainly don’t want to make things unnecessary awkward. I thinking it’s best just to move forward Organically the way it has been rather than putting a stamp on it.
 

Brj1721

New member
Thank you for your response! I must have read it 5 times LOL I don’t want to put the breaks on whatsoever, I think I’m just nervous of the prospect of entering a new phase in our marriage. It’s very exciting and yes some of it is that new relationship energy. I know that s&s are having the same feelings. we’re afraid to bring it up just in case we miss judged..... we don’t want to ring a bell that cannot be unheard. We certainly don’t want to make things unnecessary awkward. I thinking it’s best just to move forward Organically the way it has been rather than putting a stamp on it.
Specifically... what is poly hell? LOL
 

TXretired

Member
Welcome. Poly hell is many things. As in my case, Ewes husband went goofy and broke all rules, agreements, etc. our relationship with them started in the same way. He started messing with my wife’s mind as well as his wife. Wife said nuff and stopped the relationship. Ewe said nuff and filed for divorce,
Now we are in a V. I spend 8-10 days with Ewe either at her home, or in Texas at our home. We are 1000+ miles apart.
 

Brj1721

New member
Welcome. Poly hell is many things. As in my case, Ewes husband went goofy and broke all rules, agreements, etc. our relationship with them started in the same way. He started messing with my wife’s mind as well as his wife. Wife said nuff and stopped the relationship. Ewe said nuff and filed for divorce,
Now we are in a V. I spend 8-10 days with Ewe either at her home, or in Texas at our home. We are 1000+ miles apart.
 

Brj1721

New member
That is exactly what I would like to avoid... drama and breaking rules can happen in any relationship. I guess when you add another two people you are increasing the odds.
 

dingedheart

Active member
Sorry the headers that make up poly hell are Demotion, Displacement, and intrusion. THE PREMISE is everyone making this transition is going to experience these in various degrees in various combinations at varying times...BUT it’s not something you’ll be able to escape. So as you can see it’s something worth reading up on .
 

icesong

Well-known member
Specifically... what is poly hell? LOL
It’s a concept from this article that gets referenced on this board a lot: http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

All that said... and I am telling you this from bittersweet experience, multiple iterations of it... when they work, a quad (which is what you’re building here, two couples involved with each other) is an amazing relationship configuration, the energy builds off each other to be greater than the sum of its parts. When it fails, though, the potential of everyone being torn between what is good for them and what is good for their partner - or being torn because what is good for one partner is not good for the other - is tremendous. So a thing to start thinking about is what happens if or when one set of people don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, but the others do. As it’s frankly likely to happen - you’ve already seen that relationships develop at different rates. They also die at different rates, and the shrapnel from their disintegration can bounce around the entire polycule.

That was a really depressing comment, I’m sorry. What you have sounds like it’s wonderful and it also sounds like y’all have gotten into it slowly enough that you have a real foundation for your relationship, which is great.
 

icesong

Well-known member
P.S. the sooner you can move past thinking of things as rules - which are common in the swinger community - and start thinking of things in terms of needs, wants, and boundaries _of each individual_, not each couple... the happier you’ll end up in the long run.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member

My wife and I are in our early 40s. We have been married for 15 years and together for 21 years. We are truly best friends, and have always had an amazing bond and relationship. We have been around the swinging lifestyle for many years, but for most of those years we didn’t play with others. We would go to parties, and dance and flirt with other couples and take that sexual energy home. Along the way, we have cultivated an amazing group of very close friends, who are either in the lifestyle or are lifestyle-friendly.
It's interesting that you didn't actually have sex at the swinger events!
About two years ago, we started playing with a few people. It was fun and exciting for both of us. We realized that it was just sex. Before we started playing with others, we were so afraid it was going to lead down this dark road that could destroy our relationship. Thankfully, it didn’t, and we had a few great experiences.
So you, or both of you, were afraid to actually have sex, thinking that if you did, one or both of you could fall in love with someone else, and that would automatically be bad for your relationship. This is a common swinger idea. Most swingers work to keep from falling in love, or at least get real good at a kind of denial that one or more of their sex partners feels pretty damn special to them.
Two of the very few couples we played with are in a poly relationship. I always found it strange how many of our swinger friends would shun them, saying things like, "They are doing it wrong," and, "They don’t really love their spouses." Our response was always, "Why do you care? They are all happy."
So you were almost closet polyamorists, or poly-friendly. You saw how 2 couples in a quad could be in love with each others' spouses and not lose their bonds with their longer term partners. Our culture tells us it's not possible to love 2 people at once. Hmm, so why are there so many "love triangles" in popular movies? (Like Twilight, for a recent example. Why do they always have to choose one over the other? Isn't that sad?
Of course, while having sex with another person could lead to feelings, I never thought it would or could happen to us. Well, about a year ago, we meet a couple at a friends pool party. I’ll just call them S&S.
It's interesting you thought it could never happen to you (singular or plural).
S&S were brand new to the lifestyle and were treading lightly. We invited them to a few of our house parties, and eventually they integrated into our group of close friends. We really liked them both from the start. They were attractive and genuine people. The physical attraction between the four of us was obvious. After hanging out with them many times, we started having sex with them, and it was very clear that my wife and the husband were crushing on each other.
I am just wondering if everyone is bi or straight. It's not clear who is "playing" with whom...
I thought it was really cute, but for some reason...

I wasn’t feeling the same emotional connections with the wife.
That's because you and your wife are not a borg, not are SM (S male) and SF (S female) a borg either. (Calling them S&S makes them seem like a borg.) Everyone is an individual. In poly, we think and behave as individuals, not as couples. There is no need to do things to "protect" the primary relationship. As long as you devote time and energy to both of your lovers, everything will be OK, and you won't necessarily be headed down that "dark path" to falling out of love and divorcing. You can even have 2 partners who are equal co-primaries. This is not a problem. (My long term live-in gf lives with me half the week and with her bf in the next town the other half. And it's great!)
Fast forward a few months and now I’m starting to get closer and closer with the wife and now we are all seeing each other on a weekly basis. I would NOT say that we are in love with S&S, but if we keep down this path, it could definitely happen. I feel like we’re organically getting into a polyamorous relationship with this couple. I say organically because it was completely unintentional.
I think you meant you're NOT (?) in love with SF, and your wife is NOT (yet) in love with SM. You like SF. Your wife "like likes" SM and is maybe... falling in love a little bit (if she's honest about it). There is no big need for your wife (who also needs a nickname) to "declare" her feelings for SM right now. But you all could benefit from reading up on the differences between swinging and poly, since at least your wife seems to be teetering on the fence.
Has anyone here ever had this happen to them? I don’t know if I should nurture this relationship or stomp on the brakes. I do think our newfound relationship with S&S is beautiful and we are both enjoying it immensely.
We got LOTS of former swingers here on this board who fall in love and get all freaked out. It's not a bad thing, though! In fact, while I don't think poly is superior to swinging, I do think it's more natural, in the most literal sense. It's more common to fall in love with a dear friend with whom you share interests and great sexual chemistry than not. It IS actual chemistry, hormones hitting your body and brain, bonding you and increasing your desire to spend time together. Of course, it's not "love," right off the bat. It's infatuation, NRE. It can fade or it can deepen to true love, after a year or two.
These are is definitely uncharted waters for us, I don’t want to go down a path where my wife and I are going to get into trouble with our marriage. How do you separate feelings between your married partner and the ones you are seeing?
"How do you separate the feelings?" I'm not sure what that means.
 

Brj1721

New member
It's interesting that you didn't actually have sex at the swinger events!

So you, or both of you, were afraid to actually have sex, thinking that if you did, one or both of you could fall in love with someone else, and that would automatically be bad for your relationship. This is a common swinger idea. Most swingers work to keep from falling in love, or at least get real good at a kind of denial that one or more of their sex partners feels pretty damn special to them.

So you were almost closet polyamorists, or poly-friendly. You saw how 2 couples in a quad could be in love with each others' spouses and not lose their bonds with their longer term partners. Our culture tells us it's not possible to love 2 people at once. Hmm, so why are there so many "love triangles" in popular movies? (Like Twilight, for a recent example. Why do they always have to choose one over the other? Isn't that sad?

It's interesting you thought it could never happen to you (singular or plural).

I am just wondering if everyone is bi or straight. It's not clear who is "playing" with whom...



That's because you and your wife are not a borg, not are SM (S male) and SF (S female) a borg either. (Calling them S&S makes them seem like a borg.) Everyone is an individual. In poly, we think and behave as individuals, not as couples. There is no need to do things to "protect" the primary relationship. As long as you devote time and energy to both of your lovers, everything will be OK, and you won't necessarily be headed down that "dark path" to falling out of love and divorcing. You can even have 2 partners who are equal co-primaries. This is not a problem. (My long term live-in gf lives with me half the week and with her bf in the next town the other half. And it's great!)

I think you meant you're NOT (?) in love with SF, and your wife is NOT (yet) in love with SM. You like SF. Your wife "like likes" SM and is maybe... falling in love a little bit (if she's honest about it). There is no big need for your wife (who also needs a nickname) to "declare" her feelings for SM right now. But you all could benefit from reading up on the differences between swinging and poly, since at least your wife seems to be teetering on the fence.

We got LOTS of former swingers here on this board who fall in love and get all freaked out. It's not a bad thing, though! In fact, while I don't think poly is superior to swinging, I do think it's more natural, in the most literal sense. It's more common to fall in love with a dear friend with whom you share interests and great sexual chemistry than not. It IS actual chemistry, hormones hitting your body and brain, bonding you and increasing your desire to spend time together. Of course, it's not "love," right off the bat. It's infatuation, NRE. It can fade or it can deepen to true love, after a year or two.

"How do you separate the feelings?" I'm not sure what that means.
Hey there magdlyn, so we did have sex at some of the swinger events but it took us many years to get to the point we both wanted to play with others. At that moment in time we were both happy with just flirting and all the sexual energy. We felt there was no reason to rush into bed just for the sake of having sex. We have been to many different party’s and atmospheres over the years. From house party’s to lifestyle resorts... it’s nice to be around likeminded people in a no judgment surroundings. That said... when we did decide to have sex with another couples we found out very quickly what we didn’t enjoy as much... I guess we are a little poly in the sense that we don’t like to just jump into bed with an attractive couple. We enjoy being friends with the couple and getting to know them first. We had one or two one night stands and didn’t enjoy it much... it felt too mechanical. We have friends that navigate the lifestyle that way. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it if that what you like to do.. but it’s just no our style. Funny thing is a really good friend of mine actually criticized us a little. Saying it’s just sex and would get into trouble if we make it more. Smh we’re not into sport fucking... told him whatever dude you do you!
 

Brj1721

New member
Hey there magdlyn, so we did have sex at some of the swinger events but it took us many years to get to the point we both wanted to play with others. At that moment in time we were both happy with just flirting and all the sexual energy. We felt there was no reason to rush into bed just for the sake of having sex. We have been to many different party’s and atmospheres over the years. From house party’s to lifestyle resorts... it’s nice to be around likeminded people in a no judgment surroundings. That said... when we did decide to have sex with another couples we found out very quickly what we didn’t enjoy as much... I guess we are a little poly in the sense that we don’t like to just jump into bed with an attractive couple. We enjoy being friends with the couple and getting to know them first. We had one or two one night stands and didn’t enjoy it much... it felt too mechanical. We have friends that navigate the lifestyle that way. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it if that what you like to do.. but it’s just no our style. Funny thing is a really good friend of mine actually criticized us a little. Saying it’s just sex and would get into trouble if we make it more. Smh we’re not into sport fucking... told him whatever dude you do you! Our friends that we call the 4some are awesome and we’re swinging when they found each other. They have been together for over 10 years. We are close to all 4 of them but play with one half for about two years now. LOL to answer your other question... myself and the other man are both straight and the girls are bi.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Brj1721,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I don't think many people set out with the intention to fall in love and become poly, like with me it was falling in love first (with my current partner), before even hearing the word poly. It was my current partner who actually discovered the word, through dedicated research about what to do about the fact that in addition to her husband, she now apparently had a boyfriend. The three of us have been together as a V since 2006, and we've never looked back. You have to have faith that your marriage is strong enough to endure the strong winds of poly. No two people are alike, and no two dyads are alike. It's not like you can fall in love outside your marriage, and then replace your spouse with the new person, at least that's not usually what happens.

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hey there, Magdlyn.

We did have sex at some of the swinger events, but it took us many years to get to the point we both wanted to play with others. At that moment in time, we were both happy with just flirting and all the sexual energy. We felt there was no reason to rush into bed just for the sake of having sex.
I see a lot of use of the word "we." Are you and wife always on the same page? Or do you sometimes have to convince her about how you, as a couple should go, or vice versa? I think you'd do well to disentangle just a bit. You're not her, and she's not you. It's great if you often agree, but what do you do if you do not agree? How do you negotiate important issues? Honing these skills will help as you go forward, dating independently.
We have been to many different parties and atmospheres over the years, from house parties to lifestyle resorts. It’s nice to be around likeminded people in no-judgment surroundings. That said, when we did decide to have sex with other couples, we found out very quickly what we didn’t enjoy as much. I guess we are a little poly, in the sense that we don’t like to just jump into bed with an attractive couple. We enjoy being friends with the couple and getting to know them first. We had one or two one night stands and didn’t enjoy it much... it felt too mechanical.
Attraction happens on many different levels. Some people get off on anonymity. In our current "hookup culture" people seem to just want a not-unattractive body to bang. They don't want any entanglement. They'd rather fuck a different person every week! They "don't have time" for a bf or gf. They want a free whore, in other words.

That's not me. If I go to the trouble of setting up a date, I want it to be with someone I find it fun to talk to, with whom I share some vanilla interests. I want to cuddle and talk before and after sex. I want to be able to eat a meal together and share ideas and experiences. If I'm going to invest the work, I want a relationship that is going to last.

Swingers do make friends, even good friends, I understand, but they are so afraid of falling in love. They assume it will be "trouble" if they do. They are firmly monogamous, despite being polysexual.
We have friends that navigate the lifestyle that way. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, if that what you like to do, but it’s just not our style. The funny thing is, a really good friend of mine actually criticized us a little, saying it was just sex and would get into trouble if we made it more. Smh We’re not into sport fucking. I told him, "Whatever dude. You do you!"
Swinging seems like sport fucking. If you're not into it, you're not a swinger, it seems to me. OTOH, you could enjoy swinging and ALSO be polyamorous. You could have more casual sex with some people, and have multiple romantic (rather domestic) partners, as well.

You might read the book Opening Up. It covers all the relationship styles under the consensual non-monogamy umbrella: polyamory, swinging, cuckoldry/hot-wifing.
 

Cas78

New member
Hello everyone, my wife and I are in our early 40’s and have been married for 15 years and together for 21 years. We are truly best friends and have always had an amazing bond/relationship. We have been around the swinging lifestyle for many years but for most of those years we didn’t play with others. We would go to party’s and dance/flirt with other couples and take that sexual energy home. Along the way... we have cultivated an amazing group of very close friends that are either in the lifestyle or lifestyle friendly. About two years ago we started playing with a few people... it was fun and exciting for both of us and realized that it was just sex. Before we started playing with others we were so afraid it was going to lead down this dark road that could destroy our relationship... thankfully it didn’t and we had a few great experiences. One of the very few couples we played with (we call them the 4some) are in a poly relationship. I always found it strange how many of our swinger friends would shun the 4some. Saying things like... they are doing it wrong and how they don’t really love their spouses. Our response was always... why do you care? They are all happy. Of course while having sex with another person could lead to feelings, I never thought it would or could happen to us... well about a year ago we meet a couple at a friends pool party. I’ll just call them s&s. S&s were brand new to the lifestyle and were treading lightly. We invited them to a few of our house party’s and eventually they integrated with our group of close friends. We really liked them both from the start, both Attractive and genuine people. The physical attraction between the four of us was obvious. After hanging out with them many times we started having sex with them and it was very clear that my wife and the husband were crushing on each other... I thought it was really cute but for some reason I wasn’t feeling the same emotional connections with the wife. Fast forward a few months and now I’m starting to get closer and closer with the wife and now we are all seeing each other on a weekly basis. I would say that we are in love with s&s but if we keep down this path it could definitely happen. I feel like we’re organically getting into a polyamorous relationship with this couple. I say organically because it was completely unintentional. Has anyone here ever had this happen to them? I don’t know if I should nurture this relationship or stomp on the breaks.I do think our new found relationship with s&s is beautiful and we are both enjoying it immensely.... this is definitely uncharted waters for us and I don’t want to go down a path where my wife and I are going to get into trouble with our Marriage. How do some of you Separate feelings between your married partner and the ones you were seeing?
I'd say just be careful. My ex-husband and I also dated another couple. Things got super complicated and rules were broken, cheating happened and everyone is now divorced...and my ex is now with the wife of the other couple. You gotta talk ALOT about where things are at, set rules and boundaries that AREN'T broken and make sure you're on the same page with everyone. Things can get crazy messy fast if you don't do this...
 
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