My wife and I are in our early 40s. We have been married for 15 years and together for 21 years. We are truly best friends, and have always had an amazing bond and relationship. We have been around the swinging lifestyle for many years, but for most of those years we didn’t play with others. We would go to parties, and dance and flirt with other couples and take that sexual energy home. Along the way, we have cultivated an amazing group of very close friends, who are either in the lifestyle or are lifestyle-friendly.
It's interesting that you didn't actually have sex at the swinger events!
About two years ago, we started playing with a few people. It was fun and exciting for both of us. We realized that it was just sex. Before we started playing with others, we were so afraid it was going to lead down this dark road that could destroy our relationship. Thankfully, it didn’t, and we had a few great experiences.
So you, or both of you, were afraid to actually have sex, thinking that if you did, one or both of you could fall in love with someone else, and that would automatically be bad for your relationship. This is a common swinger idea. Most swingers work to keep from falling in love, or at least get real good at a kind of denial that one or more of their sex partners feels pretty damn special to them.
Two of the very few couples we played with are in a poly relationship. I always found it strange how many of our swinger friends would shun them, saying things like, "They are doing it wrong," and, "They don’t really love their spouses." Our response was always, "Why do you care? They are all happy."
So you were almost closet polyamorists, or poly-friendly. You saw how 2 couples in a quad could be in love with each others' spouses and not lose their bonds with their longer term partners. Our culture tells us it's not possible to love 2 people at once. Hmm, so why are there so many "love triangles" in popular movies? (Like Twilight, for a recent example. Why do they always have to choose one over the other? Isn't that sad?
Of course, while having sex with another person could lead to feelings, I never thought it would or could happen to us. Well, about a year ago, we meet a couple at a friends pool party. I’ll just call them S&S.
It's interesting you thought it could never happen to you (singular or plural).
S&S were brand new to the lifestyle and were treading lightly. We invited them to a few of our house parties, and eventually they integrated into our group of close friends. We really liked them both from the start. They were attractive and genuine people. The physical attraction between the four of us was obvious. After hanging out with them many times, we started having sex with them, and it was very clear that my wife and the husband were crushing on each other.
I am just wondering if everyone is bi or straight. It's not clear who is "playing" with whom...
I thought it was really cute, but for some reason...
I wasn’t feeling the same emotional connections with the wife.
That's because you and your wife are not a borg, not are SM (S male) and SF (S female) a borg either. (Calling them S&S makes them seem like a borg.) Everyone is an individual. In poly, we think and behave as individuals, not as couples. There is no need to do things to "protect" the primary relationship. As long as you devote time and energy to both of your lovers, everything will be OK, and you won't necessarily be headed down that "dark path" to falling out of love and divorcing. You can even have 2 partners who are equal co-primaries. This is not a problem. (My long term live-in gf lives with me half the week and with her bf in the next town the other half. And it's great!)
Fast forward a few months and now I’m starting to get closer and closer with the wife and now we are all seeing each other on a weekly basis. I would NOT say that we are in love with S&S, but if we keep down this path, it could definitely happen. I feel like we’re organically getting into a polyamorous relationship with this couple. I say organically because it was completely unintentional.
I think you meant you're NOT (?) in love with SF, and your wife is NOT (yet) in love with SM. You like SF. Your wife "like likes" SM and is maybe... falling in love a little bit (if she's honest about it). There is no big need for your wife (who also needs a nickname) to "declare" her feelings for SM right now. But you all could benefit from reading up on the differences between swinging and poly, since at least your wife seems to be teetering on the fence.
Has anyone here ever had this happen to them? I don’t know if I should nurture this relationship or stomp on the brakes. I do think our newfound relationship with S&S is beautiful and we are both enjoying it immensely.
We got LOTS of former swingers here on this board who fall in love and get all freaked out. It's not a bad thing, though! In fact, while I don't think poly is superior to swinging, I do think it's more natural, in the most literal sense. It's more common to fall in love with a dear friend with whom you share interests and great sexual chemistry than not. It IS actual chemistry, hormones hitting your body and brain, bonding you and increasing your desire to spend time together. Of course, it's not "love," right off the bat. It's infatuation, NRE. It can fade or it can deepen to true love, after a year or two.
These are is definitely uncharted waters for us, I don’t want to go down a path where my wife and I are going to get into trouble with our marriage. How do you separate feelings between your married partner and the ones you are seeing?
"How do you
separate the feelings?" I'm not sure what that means.