What are the characteristics or qualities of emotional and relational maturity?

River

River

Well-known member
This is just an invitation to conversation -- and I don't want to post the first response. I'd rather just invite the conversation and then leap into it if and when it is up and going.
 
Oh dear god, I look back on my lack of communication skills 15 years ago with an ex, and contrast that to today, and there's the relational maturity. I didn't feel safe talking with him about so much, so I didn't. Now I have partners I can talk about so much more with. I can be far more authentic.
 
Yeah, I think the quality and quantity of one's communication is the number one indicator of one's emotional/relational maturity.
 
Oh, I have thoughts on this. I could expand on all of these, but I think for now I'll go bullet points and see what discussion results.

Communication related:
  • A willingness and ability to engage in constructive conflict.
  • The ability to "hold space" for another person's feelings without trying to take responsibility for or fix them.
Relationship related:
  • An understanding of what your relational needs are and how to meet them in healthy ways (guess what I was talking to my therapist about this morning).
  • Being conscious of how you select partners and why (associated with the above).
  • Not sure this is the right language: Seeing a relationship as more than an end in and of itself (I'm trying to describe the problematic belief that "the relationship" is more important than either of the people choosing to participate in it).
  • The ability to appreciate your partner for who they actually are and not for the part they play in the story you are telling about your life.
 
Albert Ross said:
Oh, I have thoughts on this. I could expand on all of these, but I think for now I'll go bullet points and see what discussion results.

Communication related:
  • A willingness and ability to engage in constructive conflict.
  • The ability to "hold space" for another person's feelings without trying to take responsibility for or fix them.
Relationship related:
  • An understanding of what your relational needs are and how to meet them in healthy ways (guess what I was talking to my therapist about this morning).
  • Being conscious of how you select partners and why (associated with the above).
  • Not sure this is the right language: Seeing a relationship as more than an end in and of itself (I'm trying to describe the problematic belief that "the relationship" is more important than either of the people choosing to participate in it).
  • The ability to appreciate your partner for who they actually are and not for the part they play in the story you are telling about your life.
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"The ability to appreciate your partner for who they actually are and not for the part they play in the story you are telling about your life."

Wow, this was remarkably well articulated and really stood my ears up! Indeed, I felt a strong pulse of energy in my body when I read these words! Thank you Albert!

I'm SO profoundly in love with my recently met girlfriend that it is ... so gently and beautifully shocking! And she's in love with me in a similar way. And so we're both undergoing really profound transformation (psychological, spiritual, intellectual, etc.) because of having one another in one another's lives. And the MOST salient aspect of my relationship with her, as it feels to me, is that my appreciation for her is overwhelmingly mostly about her, and not "the story of my life" I tell myself. The story of my life is really even further than in the back seat. It's in the trunk of the car. And at this rate I think I'm going to have to take it in for recycling. It's not very helpful at all and just adds weight to something which wants to be mostly weightless.

Ours is the most magical and mystical love relationship I never could have imagined! My socks have been knocked off. I'm not madly but wildly in love.
 
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One no one has mentioned yet is being secure in your own identity and self worth - one of my biggest journeys in polyamory has been finding my _self_, not as part of a couple.
 
I think some of this is specific to the person. Also, back in the old days of this forum, I used to express that communication requires 2 people. Too often we (collective humanity we) blame one side of the communication pairing, when it can be either or both, sender and receiver.

Okay, that said...

Communication-- people need to communicate their needs, wants clearly and concisely. The receiver needs to be open to hearing and the sender needs to be open to hearing that their need may not be met, without a vitriolic response.

Vulnerability-- both sides have to be willing to be vulnerable. With vulnerability comes intimacy. In this case, the negative is-- not everyone can handle vulnerability from their partner, which introduces masking and potentially, discomfort. This does tie into communication, but it's an important distinction.

Since I assume this is a question around romantic interests...
Intimacy-- let's be clear, this means that the intimacy needs to match. (If you are both aromantic, then cool, you match. I can't match with someone asexual or aromantic.) Love languages are a good guideline to work with. Personally, I can't be in a relationship without touch and affirmation as primary. Those introduce intimacy for me.

The last one, for me, is an intangible, hard to quantify and harder to find...
Chemistry-- without chemistry it's not even friendship. This is where the relationship ladder comes in, which some people hate, but it allows for clear descriptions.
 
A willingness to confront your own demons and do personal growth in order to be a better partner and human being. And forgiving the personal demons in the other person if they are willing to do the work on themselves too.
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
A willingness to confront your own demons and do personal growth in order to be a better partner and human being. And forgiving the personal demons in the other person if they are willing to do the work on themselves too.
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I know that it was a major turning point for me when my wife dropped the poly bomb on me - because it was the thing that made me face the fact how bad things had gotten in our marriage. I was hurt - badly hurt - that she sought comfort in another, but it was the trigger that made me take down the walls I had built and start dealing with things rather than pushing then down. I grieve the marriage-that-was, but we've built something new - and I think it's a good thing. I never stopped loving my wife, the problems that we had were not her fault - or mine, but I have to own that I could have reacted better. I'm doing better now.
 
SquishyHusk said:
I know that it was a major turning point for me when my wife dropped the poly bomb on me - because it was the thing that made me face the fact how bad things had gotten in our marriage. I was hurt - badly hurt - that she sought comfort in another, but it was the trigger that made me take down the walls I had built and start dealing with things rather than pushing then down. I grieve the marriage-that-was, but we've built something new - and I think it's a good thing. I never stopped loving my wife, the problems that we had were not her fault - or mine, but I have to own that I could have reacted better. I'm doing better now.
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That sounds like a very difficult experience. I'm glad you were able to rebuild your marriage. For me and my partner, we both thought we were in a good place and healed from past trauma, but we kept triggering each other's past traumas. We are both doing work to help ourselves and each other.
 
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