Hello all,
I am still relatively new here and more of a lurker than contributor, so I shall try and put this as simply as poss!
I am a Mono. My partner, Apple, has one other partner, Orange. Myself and Apple live together and are expecting a baby. We live a long distance from Orange. Orange has another partner, Banana, whom she lives with. Apple and Orange talk a lot over IM and are gamers, so also do RPG a couple of times a week online. He sees Orange less regularly than he did now (used to see her one weekend in two), this has dwindled due to pregnancy complications, he does not drive so making the trip back in cases of emergency (this happened previously and was very stressful and worrying) is not easy and therefore we are taking things as they come for the moment. The hospital have themselves said the situation is not predictable. Myself and Orange have met and spoken, but we are not 'friends' nor are we dating. We don't dislike each other, there is no malice or uncomfortable feelings, it's more Apple is in a relationship with her and in a relationship with me and they are separate entities if you see what I mean?
I am a little stuck as to how to approach some issues and would simply like some advice, I do not want to tread on anyone's toes or hurt feelings.
Issue 1; IMing in certain situations. By this, I really mean hospital visits. They are often very stressful, highly emotional times and he will be messaging Orange, not about the situation at all, but about everyday chit chat. I suppose I am asking if I am being unreasonable in asking him not to do so in this situation, I don't want to 'take' from their relationship, they have both found the increasing time apart challenging but when we are there it is a time where I feel I need him to be 'all there' ifykwim? How do I go about this?
Issue 2; Sexual relations. I feel bad in that, during my previous relationship, my then fiance, cheated and gave me an STI, which I unknowingly passed on to Apple. The cheating was only revealed quite a long time post break-up, so unfortunately I jumped to conclusions and thought it came from Apple. I was beyond mortified, so was Apple and then, when it came out that this had come from my ex, I felt absolutely dreadful, I cannot tell you. Fortunately, the STI in question was easily treated and dealt with (everyone was tested and treated accordingly), however, it has left me with a terrible anxiety regarding sexual relations between everyone. If I was not over 6 months pregnant I wouldn't be so concerned, of that I am sure. This has only started bothering me recently.
To explain this adequately I think I need to give you some background on Orange. She is in relationships with Apple and Banana, but is not sexually 'exclusive' to them - she is quite fluid in that sense and sees other people. Banana IS exclusive (mono) to Orange and one of the boundaries that came with mine and Apple's relationship was that I was not comfortable with any sexual relationship outside of mine and Orange. The group they (Orange and Banana) socialise in is very fluid sexually too (Sorry if fluid is the wrong word, I am unsure of how to phrase this), they have intercourse with each other and whoever whenever. This in itself doesn't bother me, however one member of their group has recently become infected with Herpes. For obvious reasons, I do not want to become infected; this could have devastating consequences for myself and our baby. Many of the group also have intimate relations with others outside said group, who we don't know etc.
My worry is mainly centred around catching something. They do all get tested, about once a year usually, but how can I address this? I obviously cannot (and do not wish to) tell Orange what she can do with her sex life, but I do not wish to catch something. How do I take this up with Apple? When they do see each other I now panic when we get back into bed in case something is transferred. Do I ask Apple to use a barrier method, such as condoms (Orange is on the implant I believe)? Do I ask that sexual encounters outside of myself and him stop until our baby is born (November)? Is that fair? Do sexual relations between ALL of us (Apple, Orange and myself) stop until our baby is born?
My apologies for the mammoth post. It may be worth mentioning I also suffer from anxiety (which I receive treatment for) and I'm sure hormones aren't helping matters! As I have said I am very cautious about stepping on toes and don't want to insult Orange or come between her and Apple. Just looking for advice on how I can approach the above issues and about what is reasonable! My apologies if some of my terminology is terrible - I am also UK based if that helps.
H.
I am still relatively new here and more of a lurker than contributor, so I shall try and put this as simply as poss!
I am a Mono. My partner, Apple, has one other partner, Orange. Myself and Apple live together and are expecting a baby. We live a long distance from Orange. Orange has another partner, Banana, whom she lives with. Apple and Orange talk a lot over IM and are gamers, so also do RPG a couple of times a week online. He sees Orange less regularly than he did now (used to see her one weekend in two), this has dwindled due to pregnancy complications, he does not drive so making the trip back in cases of emergency (this happened previously and was very stressful and worrying) is not easy and therefore we are taking things as they come for the moment. The hospital have themselves said the situation is not predictable. Myself and Orange have met and spoken, but we are not 'friends' nor are we dating. We don't dislike each other, there is no malice or uncomfortable feelings, it's more Apple is in a relationship with her and in a relationship with me and they are separate entities if you see what I mean?
I am a little stuck as to how to approach some issues and would simply like some advice, I do not want to tread on anyone's toes or hurt feelings.
Issue 1; IMing in certain situations. By this, I really mean hospital visits. They are often very stressful, highly emotional times and he will be messaging Orange, not about the situation at all, but about everyday chit chat. I suppose I am asking if I am being unreasonable in asking him not to do so in this situation, I don't want to 'take' from their relationship, they have both found the increasing time apart challenging but when we are there it is a time where I feel I need him to be 'all there' ifykwim? How do I go about this?
Issue 2; Sexual relations. I feel bad in that, during my previous relationship, my then fiance, cheated and gave me an STI, which I unknowingly passed on to Apple. The cheating was only revealed quite a long time post break-up, so unfortunately I jumped to conclusions and thought it came from Apple. I was beyond mortified, so was Apple and then, when it came out that this had come from my ex, I felt absolutely dreadful, I cannot tell you. Fortunately, the STI in question was easily treated and dealt with (everyone was tested and treated accordingly), however, it has left me with a terrible anxiety regarding sexual relations between everyone. If I was not over 6 months pregnant I wouldn't be so concerned, of that I am sure. This has only started bothering me recently.
To explain this adequately I think I need to give you some background on Orange. She is in relationships with Apple and Banana, but is not sexually 'exclusive' to them - she is quite fluid in that sense and sees other people. Banana IS exclusive (mono) to Orange and one of the boundaries that came with mine and Apple's relationship was that I was not comfortable with any sexual relationship outside of mine and Orange. The group they (Orange and Banana) socialise in is very fluid sexually too (Sorry if fluid is the wrong word, I am unsure of how to phrase this), they have intercourse with each other and whoever whenever. This in itself doesn't bother me, however one member of their group has recently become infected with Herpes. For obvious reasons, I do not want to become infected; this could have devastating consequences for myself and our baby. Many of the group also have intimate relations with others outside said group, who we don't know etc.
My worry is mainly centred around catching something. They do all get tested, about once a year usually, but how can I address this? I obviously cannot (and do not wish to) tell Orange what she can do with her sex life, but I do not wish to catch something. How do I take this up with Apple? When they do see each other I now panic when we get back into bed in case something is transferred. Do I ask Apple to use a barrier method, such as condoms (Orange is on the implant I believe)? Do I ask that sexual encounters outside of myself and him stop until our baby is born (November)? Is that fair? Do sexual relations between ALL of us (Apple, Orange and myself) stop until our baby is born?
My apologies for the mammoth post. It may be worth mentioning I also suffer from anxiety (which I receive treatment for) and I'm sure hormones aren't helping matters! As I have said I am very cautious about stepping on toes and don't want to insult Orange or come between her and Apple. Just looking for advice on how I can approach the above issues and about what is reasonable! My apologies if some of my terminology is terrible - I am also UK based if that helps.
H.
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