What is this feeling... and advice on how to deal

M

MockingJay

New member
It's been a while since I've posted. About 6 months ago, my wife and I opened up our marriage for her to explore her poly desires.

During that time, being myself monogamous, I have learned to deal with my jealousy and trust issues. We have learned together how to talk openly about our feelings and share in a way that we are much closer than ever before.

Now that is not to say it is without difficulty, but I am pretty understanding of her emotional connection with others and have been happy for her to have that. It was never about her wanting anything sexual with anyone. Just different types of emotional bonds or friendships, without putting arbitrary limitations on them. She has been taking things slowly and for that I am grateful.

Lately things have progressed with one of her interests, and she shared with me that she could actually see herself being sexual with him. They are not in love, but she does care deeply for him and feels that she could be comfortable enough, and the attraction is there as well. They have both discussed and agreed with each other that they would like for this to happen.

Additionally, she let me know that part of it is wanting to try different things that she doesn't think I would be comfortable with. Basically it is something that I am not willing/capable of due to my personality and preferences. She does however tell me that she is very happy with our sex life and that she doesn't want to change that at all. It is more just for experimentation.

I get it, I really do. And I am trying my hardest not to let it affect my thoughts, but there is something going on in my head that I don't know how to deal with. Ever since we had these talks, it's pretty much all I've been able to think about. And the problem is I can't be intimate with my wife when I am thinking of her with someone else.

Even though it sounds like it, it does not feel like jealousy. I know I could put a stop to it if I wanted. I know that she will not leave me for him. Maybe it is because the thought of her lust for him is painful? Or is it that I am being possessive or territorial when it comes to physical intimacy?

This is all new to us and I did not honestly expect to have to deal with this aspect of her poly-ness for a long time, if ever. It may never come to fruition, but in the mean time I need to find some ways of dealing with these thoughts.

If anyone has advice on sharing your partners physical intimacy, especially as a monogamous person, I would be thrilled to hear it!
 
MockingJay said:
Additionally, she let me know that part of it is wanting to try different things that she doesn't think I would be comfortable with. Basically it is something that I am not willing/capable of due to my personality and preferences. She does however tell me that she is very happy with our sex life and that she doesn't want to change that at all. It is more just for experimentation.
I get it, I really do.
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This part... you say you get it, but it doesn't read entirely genuine. She may be painting the picture a little rosy not to hurt you, but then you are feeling the discrepancy. Or, she's not doing that, but you don't believe her fully. Or (likely), you say you get it, but that's just on the intellect level - it's pretty clear there are some difficult emotions behind.
And I am trying my hardest not to let it affect my thoughts, but there is something going on in my head that I don't know how to deal with. Ever since we had these talks, it's pretty much all I've been able to think about.
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I've had a few months of pretty obsessive thinking when I was in NRE with Idealist, and a few months after my breakup with my former partner. I found it was best to relax and just let the thoughts run through my head - I could not stop mulling over what has happened and pushing against actually made it worse, so I let the head do its thing without extra worry about the worrying. It ran it's course eventually.
Alternatively, you could try to write it out. I use the old fashioned pen and paper and write whatever thoughts and emotions are coming up. Sometimes I get more insight into what's behind my current state.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. There's some emotion coming up for you.
 
Thanks Tinwen. I think you are right, in that I worry there may be more to it than what she is letting on, but I don't really think that's true. It is just a touchy subject, I know she doesn't want to hurt me, and she is not entirely sure whether she will like any of it. It doesn't stop me from letting my thoughts run wild though, and I think that is the bulk of my problem.

I have been thinking on this all day, not able to concentrate on working at all but instead trying to get to the bottom of it. You mention writing, which is something I also do regularly, but in this case I haven't yet except for on here. I am not sure what I would write about this for myself.

What I have concluded so far is that, there is the withstanding fundamental issue of how we view sex and intimacy, being mono vs. poly. I see it as something that should be shared with one individual. But this is something we have talked about for months and thought I had a good grasp on. Maybe the reality of it all is harder to deal with than just the theory, and that is what I am feeling now even though it hasn't happened yet.

Then I also think I have a problem viewing her as having a kinky relationship with someone, and letting someone be dominant over her. I am not sure why it bothers me so much, because I know it is something that I could never provide for her.

I have much to think on and will try writing it all out to see if it helps.
 
You're very understandably reacting to change. I think it's very normal.

She will be sharing intimacy with someone, and you've been thinking about it, but you're not sure how that will go.

She may be entering some kind of power-exchange dynamics, which is an extra reason to be nervous. Every single person will have an emotional reaction to the idea of giving up or receiving power - positive or negative. Even if the power exchange is not yours, your issues are being triggered.

You don't know how she will be influenced by the deepening of their relationship, and how this will influence your relationship with her.

I know it sucks that you can't concentrate on work for now. But you've got a lot of change ahead. It's ok to be adjusting a bit.
 
Hi MockingJay,

I don't know what advice to give you, other than to suggest maybe a sex therapist. It's also possible that the book "Sex at Dawn" would help, it talks about why people often seek out multiple sexual partners. Or like Tinwen suggested, just let these uncomfortable thoughts run their course.

It's generous of you to give your consent for your wife to do this, but don't push yourself beyond your natural limits. You could be facing an impregnable incompatibility here, where she feels the need for a total poly experience, and you just aren't up for that. In which case it would only make sense to break up, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
MockingJay said:
Then I also think I have a problem viewing her as having a kinky relationship with someone, and letting someone be dominant over her. I am not sure why it bothers me so much, because I know it is something that I could never provide for her.

I have much to think on and will try writing it all out to see if it helps.
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This might be a big part of it. My wife wasn't monogamous, but she was vanilla for the most part. She did not get the S&M thing at all. She was very intimidated by the fact I was having kinky relationships. She said it made her feel inadequate that she couldn't give me something I needed. It took a lot to convince her that we were fine. She was fine with the poly part though. Neither of us were particularly monogamous to begin with. Monogamy was our "experiment". I imagine dealing with the poly AND the kink might be a little much.
 
It could also just plain turn you off. Like "Great for other people, but not for me."

For example, I'm ok with my spouse wanting another GF, falling in love, sharing sex with them, etc. If he told me that he wanted casual sex/swinging/ no feelings/one off kind of sex? That just turns me off. So much so I'm not sure I would want to stay in his network if that's what he wants to be doing now.

Do I think it is terrible? No.

I just don't want any of that for me, and I don't want me to be in a network that includes that. I get to pick what I connect myself to.

So... you may have some thinking to do about whether or not you want to be in wife's network if she moves on to sharing sex with others. Is it ...sharing sex at all? You prefer sexual exclusivity? Sharing sex in some contexts? Like this kind of sex share is ok with you, but that kind of sex share is a turn off and you don't want to be in her network if she's doing that? Something else?

Don't obsess and let it overtake your life. But do make the time to do some thinking about it so you can sort yourself out. Then tell your wife openly and honestly where you stand. She cannot be a mind reader.

Galagirl
 
Great advice and food for thought from many forum regulars, above.

I concur with every aspect of what they said, especially the advice to consider whether or not:

- Your wife was trying to "soften the poly blow" when she claimed it was never about her wanting to be sexual with anyone else, or words to that effect, but rather more about developing emotional connections with others... and whether you went along because you wanted to believe that, only to be confronted by reality now that she's broached the possibility (more like probability) that she will soon be sharing actual physical intimacy with somebody else.

- The thought of the above (sharing sex with another person besides yourself) bothers you more/less than the fact that the sex in question is likely to involve kink (specifically power exchange/domination of your wife by the other person).

Do you fear your relationship will suffer from a loss of closeness or "specialness" once she and her new partner begin a D/s relationship, as by your own admission, your personality and sexual preferences will not allow you to participate in that kind of sex with her. Are you frightened/jealous/resentful that someone else will get to see an aspect of your wife that you haven't and perhaps never will? In other words, do you think you'd be more amenable if your wife was "only" planning to engage in vanilla sex with her potential new partner... or would this make little difference to your current feelings of trepidation?
 
Such great replies from all, thank you very much!

I honestly felt silly posting this, like my problems are so minuscule or just in my head because I am an insecure person. But now I am glad that I shared here.

My wife and I have had a lot of open discussion about these feelings since they started. She constantly does reassure me that she never wanted sexual relationships, especially of a non-vanilla nature, when all this started. She says it is something that was unexpected for her to feel. I believe she is telling me the truth, and that she is only now discovering this for herself. Whether or not that is true, I guess doesn't make a huge difference. If all of this build up was just to soften the "poly blow", then she did a great job at it :)

I've narrowed it down to the fact that yes, I do have some envy that someone else may get to enjoy aspects of my wife that I never will. I do not think that it will change our relationship overall, but I do worry that our sexual intimacy could suffer if I cannot control my thoughts, because as Galagirl mentioned it is a turn off for me. It is very different for me to think of her just having vanilla sex with someone, that doesn't really bother me.

I think overall as Tinwen said I just need some time to adjust to these changes. This is her first poly experience, so we are both adjusting and exploring and learning at the same time. It leads to a lot of emotional talks but as long as we keep communicating we seem to come through alright.
 
MockingJay said:
Such great replies from all, thank you very much!

I honestly felt silly posting this, like my problems are so minuscule or just in my head because I am an insecure person. But now I am glad that I shared here.
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Everybody has insecurities. they are only problematic if they aren't worked on.
My wife and I have had a lot of open discussion about these feelings since they started. She constantly does reassure me that she never wanted sexual relationships, especially of a non-vanilla nature, when all this started. She says it is something that was unexpected for her to feel. I believe she is telling me the truth, and that she is only now discovering this for herself. Whether or not that is true, I guess doesn't make a huge difference. If all of this build up was just to soften the "poly blow", then she did a great job at it :)
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I doubt if she had ill intentions. But it is a natural progression for most people. I would not look at that as a betrayal. I think it's a little naive of couples to think it won't happen eventually.

I've narrowed it down to the fact that yes, I do have some envy that someone else may get to enjoy aspects of my wife that I never will. I do not think that it will change our relationship overall, but I do worry that our sexual intimacy could suffer if I cannot control my thoughts, because as Galagirl mentioned it is a turn off for me. It is very different for me to think of her just having vanilla sex with someone, that doesn't really bother me.
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It will.

I wouldn't go as far as Galagirl in dumping someone who was having a relationship that didn't turn me on. It never turned me on knowing my wife was doing other guys. The same has been true of any of my partners, actually. I could accept it, but I didn't want to picture it. So I more or less quit thinking about it.

I think overall as Tinwen said I just need some time to adjust to these changes. This is her first poly experience, so we are both adjusting and exploring and learning at the same time. It leads to a lot of emotional talks but as long as we keep communicating we seem to come through alright.
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Hopefully everything works out.
 
I've narrowed it down to the fact that yes, I do have some envy that someone else may get to enjoy aspects of my wife that I never will. I do not think that it will change our relationship overall, but I do worry that our sexual intimacy could suffer if I cannot control my thoughts, because as Galagirl mentioned it is a turn off for me. It is very different for me to think of her just having vanilla sex with someone, that doesn't really bother me.
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Is it a case of TMI? You want less info/details about what they are doing together?

Or is it a case of total turn off?

Galagirl
 
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MockingJay said:
I've narrowed it down to the fact that yes, I do have some envy that someone else may get to enjoy aspects of my wife that I never will. I do not think that it will change our relationship overall, but I do worry that our sexual intimacy could suffer if I cannot control my thoughts, because as Galagirl mentioned it is a turn off for me. It is very different for me to think of her just having vanilla sex with someone, that doesn't really bother me.
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I hope there's a way to handle the situation which will actually enhance your intimacy and not destroy it. Your wife's experiments will pretty certainly influence your intimacy, because even if she's perfectly happy with what you have now, she will be discovering new things about herself and changing, and it would be foolish not to follow her change. That certainly doesn't mean that you have to start doing kink - but even with vanilla intimacy, there is such a wealth of possible approaches, that hopefully you can take the overflow as inspiration.

As for the difficulties handling the kink aspect, it's hard for me to relate because kink is very much my thing :eek:
It seems to me you will have to figure out much more precisely what your relationship to kink is. Do the uncomfortable thinking to figure out what exactly it is that turns you off, so that you can ask for adequate measures.
 
GalaGirl said:
Is it a case of TMI? You want less info/details about what they are doing together?

Or is it a case of total turn off?

Galagirl
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I was thinking this myself reading this thread. I am aware that people enjoy some things that are a complete turn-off for me. Unless that activity would put ME personally at risk (in terms of risk for infection) I DO NOT need to know that my partner is engaging in that activity with another partner. Dude had a hard time accepting that I DO NOT want to hear ANY details about his sexual encounters. All I need to know is that safer sex agreements are being kept if sexual activity is happening.
 
Hi everyone,

I thought I would bring this thread back for an update, since it's been a while and much has changed. And it is helpful to open up once in a while to people who can understand, when I have no one to confide in.

While most of my concerns at the start of this thread have subsided, my wife and I continue to uncover things about her wants, needs and desires that stir up a lot of questions for me.

But really they are questions for both of us. Since she has opened up about being poly, she has been learning a lot about herself as well.

The one and only guy who has been of any serious interest to her during all this time is out of the picture again now. She does not feel that she could ever trust him enough to go through with anything. That prospect seems off the table. She is growing tired and frustrated at the "online dating" community and has not been spending as much time on dating apps/sites.

It is somewhat of a conundrum for her, because she does not have the time, energy, or need for a full on "relationship". What she wants is to find a friend that she enjoys spending time with occasionally, and if there are feelings, trust, and attraction then she would like to act on that as well. It seems that this is very hard to find. At this point we are not even sure if that is really polyamory, or something else, but I guess labels aren't important.

What confounds this further is that, recently she has admitted to me her interest in several "kinks" and that she feels that someday she might need to explore them. I am really happy that she felt comfortable enough to share this with me, knowing how nervous she was because it is very unexpected. She has always been shy in that regard, and had very little experience before our relationship. We also both know that I will likely not partake in most of her kinky fantasies.

So what this has spelled out to me is that, at some point down the road she will become unhappy with our vanilla ways, and will seek to branch out if for nothing more than sexual exploration. For her to do so, she needs to care for and trust someone, but not necessarily love them. But finding someone she cares for and trusts has proven to be difficult.

I am not sure how I feel about it yet, for me it kind of casts a shadow over our future, knowing that at some point we will have to deal with this. It also makes me question her entire motive behind "looking for friends" that could turn into more.... was this really the underlying factor that caused her to want to seek other relationships of any sort?

Maybe she wasn't even aware that it was. I know when she told me some things, it was as if she couldn't even believe she was saying them herself.

So here we are, there is no one else in the picture at the moment. We are confused. Both struggling in our own ways, but making it work for now.

It's been about seven months since the start of our mono/poly/whatever this is relationship and we're still hanging in there, just trying to take it one day at a time :)

There is still a lot of time spent talking, worrying, and figuring out our relationship. But every so often we put that aside and just enjoy one another, too.
 
Hi MockingJay, thanks for your update. It sounds like things are going pretty well, even if you still have some doubts and questions. You and your wife are just figuring things out one thing at a time. That's a good way to go.
 
It sounds like you are both doing a great job during this transition! It's not easy adjusting to polyamory in our mono culture. Add in that you feel you are mono, makes it even more complicated.

Having poly theory down pat is one thing. Actually doing it is a whole different ballgame. Just like any big undertaking, reality won't exactly match fantasy.

I want to add that we have had at least a couple mono people here who, over the years with a poly partner, found out they were able to become attracted to others. I'm not saying it should be a goal for you, but it's not a complete impossibility this could happen, after a period of time.

As for the vanilla/kink desire issue: I can relate to that, even though I am kinky. My partner is also kinky. But she wanted a Dom/me. I thought at first when we met, I could fill that role, but it turns out I didn't really want to. So I did feel inadequate when we were in a new relationship. Like her Doms, past, present or future, were somehow "better" or "superior" to me. It took me about a year to realise, with her help, that our egalitarian relationship was indeed a great supportive rewarding one for her. It was all I needed to be for her, just myself.

I spent some time Domming or Topping people I dated, and also taking a bottom role. I IDed as a switch. But in the past few years I find I no longer have an interest in Topping, just bottoming or subbing. As one begins to experiment, one finds all kinds of surprises.

I learned to understand nothing is ever static. Our needs and desires can change. Even vanillas may find, over time, they want to add a few sprinkles to the ice cream.

As for your wife giving up on dating apps and sites... it can get dispiriting. There are so many loser type guys we women have to sift through on those sites. It does require work, and patience, to find a compatible person. I've kept my OK Cupid page open for years, but some women take theirs down from time to time, to have a break from the jerks.

Also, the issue of how your wife isn't looking for "love," but would be fine with fond feelings, I am the same way. I think it's a healthy attitude. Not everyone one dates is going to be love at first sight. Sometimes you can date a person for a few months and then one day you realise you feel you love them (however you define love). I still consider myself polyamorous. In fact, being real set on Love can make one seem desperate. Dating attractive people who are fun is good enough. It's always a good idea to let each relationship take the shape it needs to take.
 
Magdlyn,

Thanks for taking the time to address everything I wrote about, it was a great and very supportive post :)

Just writing about things here and getting them out in the open helps me a great deal. But hearing how others have gotten thru similar situations takes it to a whole 'nother level.

It's hard to think back to the emotional roller coaster that was the first 3 to 6 months after poly bomb-dropping occurred, but I feel we are doing better. There are fewer times when I think "there's no way this will work" and more times when I feel pretty optimistic about things. My feelings of distrust and urges to snoop have subsided almost entirely.

Thanks for your advice and sharing, it is a big help and you are right, nothing is static and our relationship could take many different forms during the time we spend together :D
 
MockingJay said:
Hi everyone,

I thought I would bring this thread back for an update, since it's been a while and much has changed. And it is helpful to open up once in a while to people who can understand, when I have no one to confide in.

While most of my concerns at the start of this thread have subsided, my wife and I continue to uncover things about her wants, needs and desires that stir up a lot of questions for me.

But really they are questions for both of us. Since she has opened up about being poly, she has been learning a lot about herself as well.

The one and only guy who has been of any serious interest to her during all this time is out of the picture again now. She does not feel that she could ever trust him enough to go through with anything. That prospect seems off the table. She is growing tired and frustrated at the "online dating" community and has not been spending as much time on dating apps/sites.

It is somewhat of a conundrum for her, because she does not have the time, energy, or need for a full on "relationship". What she wants is to find a friend that she enjoys spending time with occasionally, and if there are feelings, trust, and attraction then she would like to act on that as well. It seems that this is very hard to find. At this point we are not even sure if that is really polyamory, or something else, but I guess labels aren't important.

What confounds this further is that, recently she has admitted to me her interest in several "kinks" and that she feels that someday she might need to explore them. I am really happy that she felt comfortable enough to share this with me, knowing how nervous she was because it is very unexpected. She has always been shy in that regard, and had very little experience before our relationship. We also both know that I will likely not partake in most of her kinky fantasies.

So what this has spelled out to me is that, at some point down the road she will become unhappy with our vanilla ways, and will seek to branch out if for nothing more than sexual exploration. For her to do so, she needs to care for and trust someone, but not necessarily love them. But finding someone she cares for and trusts has proven to be difficult.

I am not sure how I feel about it yet, for me it kind of casts a shadow over our future, knowing that at some point we will have to deal with this. It also makes me question her entire motive behind "looking for friends" that could turn into more.... was this really the underlying factor that caused her to want to seek other relationships of any sort?

Maybe she wasn't even aware that it was. I know when she told me some things, it was as if she couldn't even believe she was saying them herself.

So here we are, there is no one else in the picture at the moment. We are confused. Both struggling in our own ways, but making it work for now.

It's been about seven months since the start of our mono/poly/whatever this is relationship and we're still hanging in there, just trying to take it one day at a time :)

There is still a lot of time spent talking, worrying, and figuring out our relationship. But every so often we put that aside and just enjoy one another, too.[/QUOTE

We also both know that I will likely not partake in most of her kinky fantasies.

WHY NOT??? Are these fantasies that abhorant to you that even if it is not your cup of tea can't you indulge her. if you are uneasy with the thought of her doing these things with someone else, why not solve the problem by participating???? Or is she telling you she does not want to do it with you.???
Thats a whole different ballgame that because you refuse to participate.

I am not sure how I feel about it yet, for me it kind of casts a shadow over our future, knowing that at some point we will have to deal with this. It also makes me question her entire motive behind "looking for friends" that could turn into more.... was this really the underlying factor that caused her to want to seek other relationships of any sort?


Is that the way YOU want to live???? With a shadow over your relationship just waiting for her to drop the bomb on you.???

Sorry, it seems like your wife started out telling you she was only interested in "friends" to hang out with, then it went to wanting physical sex with another man if she could find one, and now it seems like you are in a holding pattern only because she is tired of "searching".

When do YOUR wants and needs enter the picture. ???? I can tell you stuffing them and not setting some things in your mind that you will accept and what you will not is going to leave you with this uneasy feeling for a long time and impact your relationship, which it is doing right now.

One of the misconceptions in my opinion is that YOU are under the obligation to accept and be happy with anything she decides she wants to do, whenever she decides to do it. I think you need to do more introspection into yourself and stop spending all your time trying to figure out how to accomodate anything she changes the rules to.

Yes, things can change but that should be by mutual consent, not by you feeling like you must be happy with it in order to stay married to her.

The first thing I think you really need to do is get the real facts as to does she really want to be poly because you will not do what she wants or does she just want to have sex with other men. Then you can maker a real decision as to tyour future that will remove this uncertainty you are experiencing.
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sexyserb said:
WHY NOT??? Are these fantasies that abhorant to you that even if it is not your cup of tea can't you indulge her. if you are uneasy with the thought of her doing these things with someone else, why not solve the problem by participating???? Or is she telling you she does not want to do it with you.???
Thats a whole different ballgame that because you refuse to participate.
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A combination of reasons. Some are things that my personality would not allow, I know it and she wouldn't be able to take me seriously even if I tried because she knows me too well. Others are things that, yeah, I really just would not want to do. In those cases I don't think it is much of a problem for me that she would want to seek them elsewhere, because I know they are things I cannot provide for her. It is the same as her being with another woman in some ways, which has never been a problem for me.

sexyserb said:
Is that the way YOU want to live???? With a shadow over your relationship just waiting for her to drop the bomb on you.???

Sorry, it seems like your wife started out telling you she was only interested in "friends" to hang out with, then it went to wanting physical sex with another man if she could find one, and now it seems like you are in a holding pattern only because she is tired of "searching".

When do YOUR wants and needs enter the picture. ???? I can tell you stuffing them and not setting some things in your mind that you will accept and what you will not is going to leave you with this uneasy feeling for a long time and impact your relationship, which it is doing right now.

One of the misconceptions in my opinion is that YOU are under the obligation to accept and be happy with anything she decides she wants to do, whenever she decides to do it. I think you need to do more introspection into yourself and stop spending all your time trying to figure out how to accomodate anything she changes the rules to.

Yes, things can change but that should be by mutual consent, not by you feeling like you must be happy with it in order to stay married to her.

The first thing I think you really need to do is get the real facts as to does she really want to be poly because you will not do what she wants or does she just want to have sex with other men. Then you can maker a real decision as to tyour future that will remove this uncertainty you are experiencing.
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Sometimes, no I do not want to live like that. These are big changes after 10 years of monogamous marriage, that take time to adjust to and figure out where we both stand. Do I like the idea of her having sex with other men, no, but that doesn't mean I can't learn to be okay with that so we can both be happy. We are still working through things. Maybe she will realize that that is not what she really wants. Maybe I will realize that I want to have sex with other people also. Who knows what the future will bring, but what's important is that regardless we both want to try to find that out together. If, in the end, we learn that we simply cannot find an arrangement that works for both of us, so be it. We will split. But what we have is worth the effort to devote a good amount of time to. All relationships take some work.

It's not all about what she wants, but in a way isn't it safe to say that for the last ten years our relationship shape has be all about what I wanted? So we are making some changes, and will have to find a compromise that we can both be happy with.
 
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It was never about her wanting anything sexual with anyone. Just different types of emotional bonds or friendships, without putting arbitrary limitations on them. She has been taking things slowly and for that I am grateful.

Jay,

That comes from your first post.

It's not all about what she wants, but in a way isn't it safe to say that for the last ten years our relationship shape has be all about what I wanted? So we are making some changes, and will have to find a compromise that we can both be happy with.
Last edited by MockingJay; Yesterday at 04:02 PM.

So just curious how that translates into ten years of all about what you wanted if the first you found out about any of this is six months ago.???? This makes it sound like she wanted this for ten years and you forced her to stuff it. My point is for some reason you seem to be trying to convince yourself that she deserves to do this because of your behavior.

compromise

That you can BOTH be happy with is perfect. That does not mean you do not stick to what you are not happy with.

i think Gala suggested that then you do not need to know as much or details of what she is doing. A lot of people dislike DADT but it might be better off for you if you go down this path. Do you really want to know the details of her kink, whatever it is, that you are so uncomfortable with that you are not up to even trying to do it yourself???
 
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