What to do if my new partner is significantly larger than my primary

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Beginnersluck

New member
My primary is someone who is very special to me. I could never even envision my life without him in it. We are new to the poly lifestyle, after being monogamous for a decade, and it’s been fun so far.

But then I met this guy, and the sex is amazing. That’s really all there is between us. There’s no real connection outside the bedroom yet.. That being said, the sex was good enough that I want to continue seeing him. The thing is, he’s significantly larger than my primary, like maybe twice his size. And while that may be exactly what makes me want to keep seeing him, it’s also what makes me worry about whether or not it’s fair to my primary to do so.

As a woman, I know that our bodies adjust to be a perfect fit for our partners, and if I see this new guy a few times a week, my body will adjust to him and his size, which is great, I guess, for him and me. But what about for my primary? Will he notice? Will I still be able to satisfy him?

We date independently and my primary hasn’t asked for details or anything, and he’s been really supportive. I don’t want to hurt him or get my feelings hurt, and if I have to pick one I would pick my primary in a heart beat. I already know everyone is going to tell me to just do my kegels, which I will be doing. But if I'm having regular sex with both partners, at some point my primary is going to notice, I think.. I just need some advice from women who have been in the same position. What do I do?
 
Hello Beginnersluck,

Polyamory is a smorgasbord. Each partner brings something different to the table. Think of it as different restaurants. One day you might want a juicy steak, another day you might feel like Chinese. Neither restaurant is superior to the other, they both bring you a unique culinary experience, and you can appreciate each restaurant differently. That's how it is in polyamory as well, each partner brings something different to the table.

So your new partner happens to be (a lot) larger than your primary. That doesn't mean you don't respect your primary when you go and see your new partner, it just means that you appreciate each guy for different things. Your new partner is all about sex, and the sex is great, while your primary provides you with more of the emotional aspects of a relationship. That's cool. Each one of your guys brings something different and unique to your table.

You have an emotional connection with your primary. You can capitalize on that connection during sex. It's not just about the technical details of how your body adjusts to having two different guys, it's also about that magic feeling that arises in you and your primary when you have sex with him. Value that feeling, and capitalize on it. Both you and he are immersed in that feeling when you have sex with each other. Let that be the main feature of having sex with him.

If you're doing your kegels, that should be sufficient. It's okay to have a candid discussion with your primary about the prospective changes to your body, and about how you and he each feel about that, and about how you can enhance the sexual experience with each other in light of those changes. You said that if you had to pick one you would pick your primary. Emphasize that to him as you and he talk about your feelings. Sex is a very sensitive topic.

Keep in mind that sex isn't just about intercourse. For instance there are manual and oral favors to be considered. Add some emphasis to those activities if that will help. I am not a woman, but even from a man's point of view I can add some perspective to the situation. You and your primary love each other. That should always be your launching pad for the candid discussions you have with him. And of course you can also see a sex therapist, if that will help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Beginnersluck,

Polyamory is a smorgasbord. Each partner brings something different to the table. Think of it as different restaurants. One day you might want a juicy steak, another day you might feel like Chinese. Neither restaurant is superior to the other, they both bring you a unique culinary experience, and you can appreciate each restaurant differently. That's how it is in polyamory as well, each partner brings something different to the table.

So your new partner happens to be (a lot) larger than your primary. That doesn't mean you don't respect your primary when you go and see your new partner, it just means that you appreciate each guy for different things. Your new partner is all about sex, and the sex is great, while your primary provides you with more of the emotional aspects of a relationship. That's cool. Each one of your guys brings something different and unique to your table.

You have an emotional connection with your primary. You can capitalize on that connection during sex. It's not just about the technical details of how your body adjusts to having two different guys, it's also about that magic feeling that arises in you and your primary when you have sex with him. Value that feeling, and capitalize on it. Both you and he are immersed in that feeling when you have sex with each other. Let that be the main feature of having sex with him.

If you're doing your kegels, that should be sufficient. It's okay to have a candid discussion with your primary about the prospective changes to your body, and about how you and he each feel about that, and about how you can enhance the sexual experience with each other in light of those changes. You said that if you had to pick one you would pick your primary. Emphasize that to him as you and he talk about your feelings. Sex is a very sensitive topic.

Keep in mind that sex isn't just about intercourse. For instance there are manual and oral favors to be considered. Add some emphasis to those activities if that will help. I am not a woman, but even from a man's point of view I can add some perspective to the situation. You and your primary love each other. That should always be your launching pad for the candid discussions you have with him. And of course you can also see a sex therapist, if that will help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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My connection with my husband (primary) is totally different, and I like it that way, so I get what you are saying. Maybe it’s normal for women to feel like we are being unfair at first. I don’t really know. I just know it’s how I feel right now.
 
The thing is, he’s significantly larger than my primary, like maybe twice his size. And while that may be exactly what makes me want to keep seeing him it’s also what makes me worry about whether or not it’s fair to my primary to do so.
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Your primary doesn't need to know the size of your other partner.

As a woman, I know that our bodies adjust to be a perfect fit for our partners, and if I see this new guy a few times a week my body will adjust to him and his size, which is great, I guess, for him and me. But what about for my primary? Will he notice? Will I still be able to satisfy him?
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That's not how women's bodies work. The vaginal canal is elastic and will adjust to whatever is going on right then, be it a tampon, a toy, a partner, birthing a baby, etc. It's not like it's "stays" one way only.

I think you are maybe overthinking it a little.

Galagirl
 
I agree with GG. Your primary won't notice a difference in you because your unique tightness is part of your unique DNA makeup. Vagina size is as unique as penis size. Things always go back to what's normal for you unless there's an actual medical problem with your pelvic floor which usually happens from trauma. Regular sex shouldn't cause that. Go and enjoy your partner and don't let it cross your mind again....and don't talk about size with your partners, even if they ask.
 
Beginnersluck said:
So my primary is someone who is very special to me, I could never even envision my life without him in it, we are new to the poly lifestyle after being monogamous for a decade and it’s been fun so far. But then I met this guy, and the sex is amazing, that’s really all there is between us, there’s no real connection outside the bedroom yet.. That being said, the sex was good enough that I want to continue seeing him. The thing is he’s significantly larger than my primary, like maybe twice his size and while that may be exactly what makes me want to keep seeing him it’s also what makes me worry about whether or not it’s fair to my primary to do so.
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What was the expectation upon opening the relationship? Just average or below average sexual experiences? Nobody anticipated “amazing “ SEX with Chad Mcthundercock ? I don’t see what fair has to do with it. There a similar thread from the opposite perspective-- wife is upset because her husbands “bimbo“ is younger, with a better body, AND the other loves giving blowjobs.

Beginnersluck said:
I know that our bodies adjust to be a perfect fit for our partners, and if I see this new guy a few times a week my body will adjust to him and his size. But what about for my primary? Will he notice? Will I still be able to satisfy him?
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Will he notice directly? Others have weighed in, thinking not. I’m thinking he might notice something is different or off whether it’s perfectly physical or something more mental. If I were yo,u I’d try to find a way to discuss this BEFORE he figures out/finds out/starts asking uncomfortable questions.

Beginnersluck said:
I have to pick one I would pick my primary in a heart beat. I already know everyone is going to tell me to just do my kegals, which I will be doing. But if Im having regular sex with both partners at some point my primary is going to notice, I think.. I just need some advice from women who have been in the same position. What do I do?
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I think your best logistical defense is avoiding penetrative sex without a sufficient lag time, i.e., no sloppy seconds/same day reclaiming stuff.
 
Hi! As mentioned above, size or shape of a penis has absolutely no influence on the shape or elasticity of a vagina. it's something physiological, unique to one person, and you have no control over it. The Kegel exercises mentioned above don't influence your vagina at all, but it never hurts to do those, because there are a lot of health benefits to them, regardless.

You don't have to worry about your new partner's penis having any lasting effect on you and thus on your sex life with your primary. Even if you have sex with your primary right after having sex with your new partner, the vagina won't be changed. Thankfully, it's not a memory foam. ;)

love from MSc in biology,
Bee x
 
Chiming in to say, sex with a larger penis does not permanently stretch out your vagina, rather the opposite. Case in point from personal experience: my female partner noticed after I was dating my new bf for a couple months that my vagina had actually gotten more muscle tone inside, from my frequent intercourse with Aries, who is larger than average. I put it down to our regular "workouts," and not to his penis size, however.

You don't have a thing to worry about. Doing Kegels (for fear of a loose vag from sex with bf) and not going for reconnecting sex with hubby soon after sex with bf are not necessary. The sex with bf will actually mimic and exceed any Kegel action you could do. haha

I used to work in the birthing and breastfeeding field, so if there is anything else you don't understand about female anatomy and how it works, feel free to ask! :)
 
I imagine that even though you've been assured that your vagina won't stretch permanently, there is a psychological conundrum to this question. Your partner would be probably hurt if he found out that you enjoy sex with the other guy more because he has a bigger penis. That could be a blow to his self-confidence. But maybe, for some reason or another, you still feel compelled to tell him, maybe you hate having to keep secrets... is it like that for you?
 
I do not have a vagina, but I do have a partner who is very tight, so much so that I have to think all the way back to my sexual partners as a teenager to recollect anyone as tight as her. Over time, I have been a bit surprised how much I appreciate that about her, because I would not have said something like that was important to me in the past.

She and I have enjoyed playing with toys far thicker than me, maybe 20-30% thicker, pushing the limits of what she finds enjoyable, and I have never noticed any difference in the feel afterwards, nor has my own ability to help her reach orgasm been hindered by playing with thicker toys.

Having sex back-to-back is usually going to feel a little different because the muscles are relaxed, and the pussy is soupy from the previous ejaculation. I have noticed that. Things can also smell and taste a bit off, like a condom or someone else’s dick. But if that’s something you already do with the husband, he has already experienced those differences and probably won’t be suspicious. If back-to-back play is something new to the husband that you begin doing while with this partner, it may coincidentally lead to questions, even though it doesn’t have anything to do with the partner's size.

I personally think a little rest time and a shower between partners is a good thing, but that’s my personal preference.

I would worry most about your own evolving preferences drifting away from the husband. If I noticed my partner was suddenly not having orgasms with me, or if she didn’t appear engaged while having sex with me, or suddenly wanted sex with me a lot less, I would wonder why.

I think figuring out how to balance really exciting sex while maintaining the most positive sexual experiences possible with other partners can be a complicated task for a hinge. I will admit to struggling with that.
 
I can also confirm that having sex with a big dick or huge sex toy did not lessen the pleasure of the partner with the smaller penis. That said, all those articles in Cosmopolitan in the 1980s that said most women can't feel the difference between a big dick and a small dick were a lie. We absolutely *can* feel the difference, which is why they make sex toys in so many different shapes and sizes.
 
ref2018 said:
I can also confirm that having sex with a big dick or huge sex toy did not lessen the pleasure of the partner with the smaller penis. That said, all those articles in Cosmopolitan in the 1980s that said most women can't feel the difference between a big dick and a small dick were a lie. We absolutely *can* feel the difference, which is why they make sex toys in so many different shapes and sizes.
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I see ref post and I know she teases me about my extra deep vagina... (not that she has personal experience of it, LOL). So much talk about size and girth of penises, tightness of vaginas... what about extra-deep vaginas? Are most penises 6" long and most vaginas 6" deep? What if a man has a 12" penis and he's looking for a woman with a 12" deep vagina, to allow him to actually get his entire organ inside? Does he cry if he can only get 50% inside? Does he make the woman feel inadequate because she can't take him entirely in, but only halfway?

I have been told by obs, gyns and extremely experienced midwives that I have a deeper-than-average vagina. I can have fun with a 5 1/2" penis, but it feels more fulfilling to be entirely filled up by a larger penis. Do I make a big deal about it? No, I do not.

On the topic of back-to-back sex, try doing it front-to-front, or at least front-to-back. Might work better.
 
ref2018 said:
I can also confirm that having sex with a big dick or huge sex toy did not lessen the pleasure of the partner with the smaller penis. That said, all those articles in Cosmopolitan in the 1980s that said most women can't feel the difference between a big dick and a small dick were a lie. We absolutely *can* feel the difference, which is why they make sex toys in so many different shapes and sizes.
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It’s so true, I don’t know why women continue to say size doesn’t matter
 
Magdlyn said:
I see ref post and I know she teases me about my extra deep vagina... (not that she has personal experience of it, LOL). So much talk about size and girth of penises, tightness of vaginas... what about extra-deep vaginas? Are most penises 6" long and most vaginas 6" deep? What if a man has a 12" penis and he's looking for a woman with a 12" deep vagina, to allow him to actually get his entire organ inside? Does he cry if he can only get 50% inside? Does he make the woman feel inadequate because she can't take him entirely in, but only halfway?

I have been told by obs, gyns and extremely experienced midwives that I have a deeper-than-average vagina. I can have fun with a 5 1/2" penis, but it feels more fulfilling to be entirely filled up by a larger penis. Do I make a big deal about it? No, I do not.

On the topic of back-to-back sex, try doing it front-to-front, or at least front-to-back. Might work better.
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Well that’s the thing, I have a friend who’s partner is really large that I kind of talked to about this and she told me when they first dated he could only get about 50% inside her, but now that they have been together for a year it’s like they are a perfect fit but it took time. The problem with asking her for advice is she’s monogamous, and Im just more concerned about possibly hurting my husband I guess?

I definitely feel like it’s becoming more difficult to orgasm with my husband, and that’s ok! I feel like sex with him is about a lot more than just orgasms.. However as someone who has piv orgasms I think it’s something he will definitely notice at some point and I’m not willing to be the girl that tries to fake anything. So far he hasn’t asked.
 
Beginnersluck said:
I have a friend whose partner is really large that I kind of talked to about this and she told me when they first dated he could only get about 50% inside her, but now that they have been together for a year it’s like they are a perfect fit, but it took time.
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Some women have a condition called vaginismus, which causes the vagina to spasm and tighten, to the point, sometimes, of being impenetrable. I wonder if it's not the size of her bf's penis, but her comfort in being around him and trusting him that has allowed her to open up. Vaginas and penises don't grow in length or depth, suddenly, once you're fully past puberty.

However, I have seen online how when a woman is fully aroused, ligaments inside pull her uterus forward, sort of "getting it out of the way" of the end of the vagina, and extra space opens up at the top of the vagina. That could be another reason for her ability to take more of his cock inside.
Beginnersluck said:
The problem with asking her for advice is she’s monogamous, and I'm just more concerned about possibly hurting my husband, I guess?

I definitely feel like it’s becoming more difficult to orgasm with my husband, and that’s ok! I feel like sex with him is about a lot more than just orgasms.. However as someone who has piv orgasms I think it’s something he will definitely notice at some point and I’m not willing to be the girl that tries to fake anything. So far he hasn’t asked.
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Since you've been seeing your bf, you can't cum as easily with your husband? Is it just the size of your bf's penis, or some other bedroom skills?

Also, no offense, but I am wondering if your h is below average in the penis-size department. Years back I had sex once with a guy whose penis, fully erect, was about the size of my thumb, if that. I literally could not tell when it was inside me. I mean, I've had lover's actual thumbs in me that made more of an impression than this poor guy's cock. (I could've made do, but he was also really bad at fingering and oral, so there was really nothing to work with. I got it over with as quickly as possible.)
 
Beginnersluck said:
It’s so true, I don’t know why women continue to say size doesn’t matter
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To me, size doesn't matter unless it's too big. Anything over 7 inches is a big no to me. I prefer 5-6 inches. To me, shape matters. Certain penises stimulate me a ton, and others not so much, but it's NEVER had anything to do with size. I see penises as a compatibility issue, just like kissing. With some people it's just perfect and amazing, and others are just no. The rest are nice enough to enjoy, but sparks don't really fly.
 
I just had a thought because my barbershop is in a strip mall next to an adult toy store. Not sure how this works, but I’m sure others here very much do, but why not cop to the size queen thing, and for Christmas give him an extender, or whatever they’re called? And I would think he’d be able to last a hell of a lot longer with that on. Win win.

How much different is it than fake boobs? Except a ton cheaper.
 
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