When a Unicorn Plays in Other Pastures

[ClariceK]

I wasn't refering to the cheating, secrets and lies that was going down with your girlfriend, that is absolutely not okay. I was only commenting on DaJoshy's apparent OPP (one-penis policy). To me, that is hypocritical.

It kinda is, and he knows that I think it is a insecurity of his, and that I think he is sometimes grandiose. We have no secrets from each other or anyone else.

It wasn't a "we versus her" till after she cheated. I mean, honestly, she cheated on both of us. Of course WE would be upset and take that view.

As far as the OPP, I honestly have no desire for another penis in the relationship. He has no desire for another penis in the relationship. If three bisexual men were in a relationship together and they had a "no vagina policy," would it be unreasonable to ask that be respected, if all agree to it?

 

[SNeacail]

If three bisexual men were in a relationship together and they had a "no vagina policy" would it be unreasonable to ask that be respected if all agree to it?

I would say that if any of these men are bisexual it would be unfair to set a "no vagina policy" in the first place (so it's ok to add other males, just no females). What I have learned is that boundaries, rules and expectations set up in the beginning aren't always reasonable (even if everyone agreed to them) and don't necessarily work 3, 6, 12 months down the road. Life throws us curveballs, and when we are unwilling to change, bend and discuss other options as they arise, things break in rather dramatic fashion. Making sure our partners know we are willing to even have the discussion (even if no one is ready for changes) makes a big difference.

 

[redpepper]

I agree with SNeacail. Lucy wasn't digging the OPP anymore, and unfortunately, seems to have cheated as a result. I don't know what happened to get there, but if there was no give in changing your boundaries, then I would guess she felt trapped. Trapped by two people, not just one! It's still not a good reason to cheat. To me, there is no good reason. Throwing a hissy fit and leaving is a better idea, but people who feel trapped do cheat.

It's time to look are your agreements, or dump her. Personally, I think that salvaging and moving to a new and deeper commitment, with new boundaries and a whole lot of empathy, caring, concern, and making it safe for her to open up as to why she did what she did is a better option. It seems that there is no give here, so really, why bother staying in it if you are so determined to lay out the rules and not bend them when one of you is not thriving under them?

The thing with unicorns is that they usually, following the traditional description of a unicorn, are not getting their needs met. You don't own her, you don't and shouldn't be supporting her, and you have no right to be resentful for something that you helped set up that isn't working. If it isn't working, change it.

 

[IndieSolo]

RP, I understand Lucy moved out a while ago. Isn't that correct?

 

[BlackUnicorn]

I have read a lot of this website, and I understand honesty is not a highly valued asset, but this overwhelming sense of deciding to attack someone for what you determine as wrong is just plain nuts. I hope you can have your own relationships with every penis in the world, if that's what you desire, it's not for us, so perhaps more progress will be made focusing on something other than your need to include more men in my relationship.

Just curious, which specific posts/threads have given you the feel that people on these boards don't value honesty?

I think people commenting on this have a hard time grasping your perspective, which I tried to highlight above. If I understood correctly, you don't view you and Clarice having separate secondary relationships as an option at all. Whatever you do, you do TOGETHER, as an item, as a couple. There are no separate relationships - even when in a triad, you view it as a ONE relationship instead of as a set of three or four relationships. In that sense, it makes perfect sense when you say you're straight and thus don't want to be involved with males, which is something I didn't get at all when I read your post.

The fact remains that most people in here think that is a counterproductive attitude, and will honestly say so. Also the ownership attitude you exhibit in your posts when it comes to women, not wanting to steal a woman away from another man, is bound to set people, myself included, off. But I'm not auditioning to become your unicorn, and if it's worked for you in the past, then more power to you. I have trouble believing that many women experienced with poly would be going along with your rules, which is why I wondered where you have met your previous unicorns. But hey, if I'm wrong, please say so!

I'm surprised this thread is still going, because it seems this has been your first bad experience with unicorns, and since the situation has resolved, you are going to continue on your chosen path. Thus I'm a bit perplexed as to what's supposed to be the "something other" you wish people would focus on. If you want people to condemn SluttyUnicorn's behaviour, I think there's pretty much a consensus that what she did was wrong, but you also had unrealistic expectations and made some bad choices along the way.

 

[Nacirema]

Here's a thought my partner had, DaJoshy: If any woman who was with you would be so enthralled by your wonderful self/massive penis, why does it need to be a "rule" that your unicorn not date other men? Shouldn't it just work that way naturally?

Also, what does it say about your wife that your unicorn gets all the male lovin' she needs from you, but not enough woman-lovin' from her?

My point now: There's something I noticed here when either of you guys discuss what you want in the relationship. You say that the two of you only want women and no dudes in your relationship. Okay, that's great.

Where's the talk about what the third person wants in your relationship? Or hell, even in her own relationship. There's no reason why, if she's dating another guy, the both of you have to fuck him. I think it's very telling that every time you talk about this standard and what you want, your only concern seems to be each other.

 

[DaJoshy]

Here's a thought my partner had, DaJoshy: If any woman with you would be so enthralled by your wonderful self/massive penis, why does it need to be a "rule" that your unicorn not date other men? Shouldn't it just work that way naturally?
Also, what does it say about your wife that your unicorn gets all the male lovin' she needs from you, but not enough woman-lovin' from her?

My point now: There's something I noticed here when either of you guys discuss what you want in the relationship. You say that the two of you only want women and no dudes in your relationship. Okay, that's great.

Where's the talk about what the third person wants in your relationship? Or hell, even in her own relationship? There's no reason why if she's dating another guy, the both of you have to fuck him. I think it's very telling that every time you talk about this standard and what you want, your only concern seems to be each other.

LMAO. Who ever mentioned my massive penis?

You are right, she can date whomever she wishes, now that she has decided to move on. My wife and I have been together for 15 years now. We have struggled to accomplish many things in our lives and have, and continue to be, greatly rewarded. To have some chickie come in as a sex partner to decide that day one she should have an equal share in our fortunes is ASSININE. I understand that for the one coming in to the relationship with no car, no job, and no place to live, the idea that she just puts out a lil and becomes heir to the throne is wonderful! I don't mind sharing, but it was Clarice and I who struggled through college. It was Clarice and I who were together through her cancer treatments. It was Clarice and I who decided to only take a 10-year mortgage to be able to basically retire early (both under 40). And it is Clarice and I who have dealt with user after user as they have come and gone.

Yeah, you know what? It might not be the relationship every girl dreams about while growing up. The standards Clarice and I have set forth in our relationship do not come as any surprise to the women we date. I expect openness and honestly, and not much more. The fact remains that the last woman we dated cheated for nearly 4 months before we found out and kicked her out. If you think a constant trashing of me for some idea of "OPP" is where the issues arise from, then my typing the same replies again and again will not matter.

Perhaps the one thing wrong I've done consistently is not treating the women how they probably should be treated, like the tramps they become.

 

[IndieSolo]

To have some chickie come in as a sex partner to decide that day one she should have an equal share in our fortunes is ASSININE.

If you only want extra sex partners to spice up your love life, then stop telling yourself and potential playthings you want to be polyamorous. People who want polyAMORY have expectations for more involvement than just letting their bodies be used for your enjoyment. They want real relationships, and a sense of partnership. It sounds like you are more suited to just being open or swingers, definitely not poly.

Perhaps the one thing wrong I've done consistently is not treating the women how they probably should be treated, like the tramps they become.

Well, if this is how you view women, no wonder that's the type you attract.

Basically, if you're out to use others as sex toys without consideration for deeper feelings and a more heart-centered connection, then you will be appealing to women who will use you for whatever they want. Tit for tat, you reap what you sow. So, examine your priorities and make it clear what you're after. Don't say you want a polyamorous girlfriend, when you just want a sex partner. I don't think polyamory is for you, because you are apparently very couple-focused and seem to just want an additional person, primarily for sexual activities.

 

[Magdlyn]

Lots of problems here. I read up on other posts of yours, Clarice. You've been through a lot of health issues, mental illness, cancer. DaJoshy has shown you, however, that he thinks psychological therapy is bullshit. He has also shown in his few posts here how very sarcastic he is, and how much trouble he has simply sharing his emotions. He also doesn't understand polyamory, and just wants sex with another woman, not a full relationship. No wonder your unicorn left.

I read you saying you don't have much of a sex drive. So, you allow other women into your couple to take care of Joshy's unmet sexual needs. But you two don't communicate well. He isn't open about his emotions. You and SluttyUnicorn (sheesh, what a name) were able to talk about emotions together, but obviously some deep issues weren't addressed, since she started an online relationship with another guy behind your backs.

Maybe her new guy is more open with his emotions than Josh is able to be. Maybe he doesn't just want her for sex, as Josh seemed to. His inability to be able to express emotions without sarcasm seems to be a stumbling block in your marriage. How much worse it must be for a unicorn, who isn't given an equal say in setting boundaries, who feels left out of being with his work friends, or with your extended families.

Do you realize that if Josh were more open with his emotions and able to go more deeply into difficult relationship issues, there is a chance your sex drive would pick up? Lack of full communication can lead to a deadening of sexual excitement/interest.

Instead, you seem to use other women as a band-aid in your marriage. "He's nicer to me when he's got another woman in his life."

Okay. So, you two worked hard, and despite your health issues, are well off enough to have retired before age 40. You still have relationship issues that lead you to bring in this needy woman with a child, as a "sex partner," mainly for Josh.

Being poly does allow us to fulfill our needs that our primary doesn't fill. But if you and Josh have such deep struggles, shown in how he wanted you to dump your longtime therapist because the therapist asked him to look more deeply into his childhood issues, is a big red flag.

It seems to me you two should work on your own communication issues, instead of using a young "sex partner" to distract him with his lust. That is not fair to the unicorn.

 

[redpepper]

NYCindie and Mags, you rock. Well said.

This seems to be a typical unicorn situation, right down to the letter. This is why I don't understand why anyone would want to be a unicorn.

I wonder, have you read the secondary's bill of rights?

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html#bor

 

[ClariceK]

RP, I actually agree with much of what is in the document that you shared. I think that often DaJoshy is sarcastic. I have often said, "If it weren't for sarcastic remarks, he wouldn't remark at all." But honestly, Josh is honest to a fault.

Lucy wanted him to tell her he loved her. He said over and over again that he cared very much for her. (I do still, if I am honest. But after the way I was hurt by her saying she loved me, and my returning that because I could be honest when I said it, to find out that she was telling others she wished I would leave the relationship, much of that love has turned to hurt.) But he didn't feel that saying "I love you" just because she wants to hear it was appropriate, if he didn't really feel that way.

I can't say that I can disagree with him in that. I wouldn't want him to bullshit me and say he loved me if he didn't. In fact, we were dating for almost a year before he said the love word to me, although I said it often to him in that time. I fall and fall hard when I do. He takes time.

Does DaJoshy have a massive ego? Yes, he does, and honestly, he would be the first to say he does. But I also love him for who he is, and I don't really try much to change him.

Does he hurt my feelings sometimes? Yes, he does, and often, if I am honest, but I also know that it is not intentional on his part, because I know that if he knew what he said would have hurt me he wouldn't have said it. Josh is honest, too honest many times. While others think something that may be rude or insensitive, Josh actually says those things, because I think he feels that he is being honest.

Our problems with communication are not so much his not talking about feelings, but more my not liking the way he does express them. I can look at many situations where he did express his feelings, but because those expressions of feelings weren't what I wanted to hear, I decided that he was uncommunicative. Because he doesn't talk about his emotions for hours like I can and do, doesn't necessarily mean he doesnt share his emotions. Sometimes those emotions come out as anger (not a uncommon trait for many men, actually). That anger has to pass, and the bravado has to pass, and the ego has to shrink a little. But he gets past that and shares. Did he share his deepest darkest emotions with her like I did? No, he didn't, But she also would walk out of the room when he did talk about what was important to him, because she though it boring. I don't know that I would have shared too deeply if I got that response.

Yes, he does think that psychology is a bunch of bullshit. But you know what? So do a LOT of people in this world. His feeling the way he does about my therapist is more about my issues with my therapist then Josh's. My therapist and I have, for many years now, not really been working the best. He has done great things for me, which Josh does see and give him credit for. But in the last years it has become more and more that my therapist and I spend 3/4 of the session "talking shop," and the rest catching up on my latest activities with my nonprofit.

There is a deep current of transference and counter-transference going through the relationship. I have spent a long time now talking to Josh about my dissatisfaction and my frustration WITH MYSELF for not having the balls to talk to my therapist about this, and not wanting to hurt my therapist's feelings, or seem "unfaithful" to him. I didn't really go much into this, because it wasn't relevant to the post about Josh wanting me to drop him.

Honestly, when I analyzed the whole situation later, when it was less of a "hot topic" in the house, I realized that it was my way of trying to use Josh as a scapegoat for my ending the relationship, and then I tried using the, "He doesn't agree with my life choices, so I have to dump him," angle, and neither worked the way I wanted them to. Josh said that he was tired of listening to me complain about it, and to just dump him already, instead of saying, "I wish I had the balls to say I need to move on," which honestly kinda parallels the situation with SU.

If Josh were really that threatened, he would have asked me to dump my therapist 4 years ago, when I started complaining about him to Josh on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. This is MY issue, not his. I wasn't owning it the way I needed to, and I was wrong for that.

Yes, Josh sees him as a wedge between us, because he doesn't like him. My therapist thinks Josh is brash and too uncaring in his expressing himself. I agree with my therapist on this often. Josh kinda takes that as his hating him. I think that it is possible to feel that way about Josh and not hate him. With Josh's distrust of therapists, I can see his side, too.

So, I don't feel forced to leave my therapist. I still see him, in fact. Every week, I say to myself, "Okay, tell him you think he's not right for you anymore! You can do it," but then I sit down and say, "Guess what I learned in class this week?"

As far as the work thing that was brought up, honestly, it was a matter of it not being tasteful. Honestly, I wouldn't go into work and kiss my husband, either. It is not appropriate for his work situation whether the kissing was done by me or anyone else. I told both of them this. Josh got the brunt of my feelings on this for his allowing it to happen with ANYONE in his office like that. It wasn't "How can you kiss her at work?" it was "How can you be so unprofessional and rude like that?"

SU was included in our extended families, and was also brought to NUMEROUS work events. She wasn't excluded. She was asked not to kiss Josh at work. I didn't think that to be too much to ask. She was included to the point that she often went with me to my sister's (only family in the state's) house and spent time with her. She was included in EVERYTHING we did.

We were honest with SU about the boundaries we wanted for the relationship, and she was fine with them. If she weren't okay with them, she had the right to say that.

I think that many good points were made. We should not, under any circumstances, have let her move in. We should not, under any circumstances, have helped to feed and clothe her child. Next time, that mistake will not be made.

I am HIGHLY offended, even with DaJoshy being the sarcastic smartass he is, that anyone would think we "treated this girl like a slut." She choose the name Slutty Unicorn. I said numerous times I didn't like it, that I didn't see her as that and neither did Josh, but I also didn't take her walking around talking about how she was a slut all the time, and my telling her not to say that as a sign that maybe I needed to not be giving her the benefit of the doubt in that regard. I mean, I sometimes take a too "analytical" approach and forget Freud's "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," and when I heard her say she was a slut, I took that as a person with poor self image, instead of at face value as what it was, which was her way of saying that she truly wasn't committed and that she was "being slutty." I won't make that mistake next time.

Every other relationship we have had over the years had ended pretty amicably. Either they or I or Josh have decided it wasn't working for whomever and that we needed to end it. They are still friends of ours, although many have moved to here or there. There has been true (sometimes very blunt) honesty, but the women have also been independent, self-supporting women, who had their own lives outside of us.

To say that we "used" SU is absolutely incorrect. Josh stopped sleeping with her shortly after he felt that she was unfaithful to the relationship. We asked her about it. She said she wasn't. She said she was perfectly happy. (Of course she was. She had us supporting her and her other guy supplementing that secretly.) She denied things over and over.

We didn't use her, in fact. That is why Josh stopped sleeping with her-- because he DIDN'T want her to feel used once she realized we knew she was unfaithful. She wasn't dishonest because she felt that she couldn't be honest. She was dishonest because she couldn't be honest with us till after she was more financially stable and they were ready to be together.

I guess that is why Josh is so angry, and his anger comes across masked as sarcasm and bravado. I am actually kinda shocked that more on here couldn't or wouldn't see that. I guess I expected too much. Instead, he now feels angry and hurt by her, and even less validated in his anger by being told he was the wrong one for "Hurting that poor girl like that," and being seen as a "pig" instead of the guy hurting that he is.

I am sorry that maybe you have NO IDEA about the number of men who LEAVE THEIR WIVES on their deathbeds, because they "can't deal with their emotions." But this guy has stood there by my side. Maybe he has not been the perfect man, but he has always cared for and treated every single woman he has ever been with with caring and respect to the BEST OF HIS ABILITY, which is all I ever ask of ANYONE in this world. I am more hurt by the trashing he got on here then I am by anything that has happened in this relationship, because I had seen this place as a place where it was okay to be not right all the time, and okay to not always agree.

Josh was going to reply. He even typed something out, but then said, "Why should I bother? I am a pig to them and will always be. I won't reply or go to their site again." I guess you guys were right. He has no emotions and is just an uncaring ass out there using women and tossing them aside.

I guess I just didn't see that side of him while he nursed me through cancer, and visited me daily, driving 100 miles each way to see me, back when I was in hospitals. The number of divorces that happen after an illness is astounding. A very large number of marriages never make it through them.

 

[clairegoad]

desperation poly

Great... I find the thread after everyone is pissed off.

My opinion? SU needed a place to live. She wasn't interested in romance or a relationship. I suspect she was moved out of the other house because she had overstepped boundaries there, or overstayed her welcome, or just used them too much (whether it was poly or family or friendship).

She's in survival mode. She's desperate to survive. You were her lifeboat for a bit. But she's also used enough people to make sure she has a Plan B.

Perhaps she's learned. More likely she's burned out her next link in the chain of relationships. She just needs a place to stay, but she doesn't have the resources (job, bank account, car, etc.) to qualify for a relationship. She managed to stay afloat for several months at your place. Consider it a gift to the universe, gathering good karma, whatever.

Every relationship is different. Even bad experiences and failures teach lessons.

I'll save the comments about legal relationships vs. ethical relationships for later.

Josh, we've seen a wide range of attitudes and personalities. It's easy for us to figure out what is wrong with someone else's relationship. But you are living your life. Do what works for you.

I'm a unicorn and dating a couple. My opinions are based on my experiences.

 

[redpepper]

Thanks for the long and descriptive post about your life, ClariceK. I appreciate knowing a little more. Please realize, both of you, that no one here knows you. I realize it is frustrating to hear what people say when they don't know the full story. A lot of us experienced that when they first came here. It gets sorted out with time and more from YOU. Like any good relationship, it takes time, a lot of talking, and patience. I hope you stay and decide to inform us, rather than blow us off. Also realize that people come from a place of caring when they write. They were concerned. That is a good thing, no?

I think if you read back what you have said, as if you were one of us reading, you might find that you have the same kind of response. Empathy is a great thing in terms of online forum writing. At least that has been my experience. Reading what I write from an outside view has been really enlightening. I can sometimes even find my own answers by asking myself what I would say to someone else who approached me with the same questions.

It sounds to me like your therapist isn't working for you. I know you say you feel as if you need to be "faithful" to him. (Was that the term? Excuse me if it wasn't exactly.) You don't want to hurt his feelings. But really, if he isn't working, then he isn't working. There are counsellors and therapists out there that will suit you more, and be patient with your partner thinking therapy is shit. Perhaps he thinks this because this guy isn't working. I dunno.

It sounds like Josh is rather brash in his honesty. That is fine, but if he is hurting people's feelings, including yours, then maybe he needs to look at how he says things.

I am also very blunt and honest, and sometimes people are not interested in hearing what I have to say. I have to remind myself to be gentle with my words, because it can be seen as abusive when people are blunt and abrasive. I have learned a lot from using and learning about "non-violent communication" by Marshal Rosenberg. There is some interesting stuff about him here if you do a search for "communication" in the tag section. Or you could search for him online.

My husband and I have been practising his technique for years now and I have become far more empathetic to others as a result. My words were unintentionally violent sometimes before, much because of how I was raised. I am learning to not only express myself more kindly, but also learning how to ask for what I need more kindly and without blowing up. I'm a redhead with a temper.

This isn't so much about the woman that you took in, but I hope it helps.

 

[ClariceK]

Redpepper, Thank you so much for that reply. Honestly, the fact that it wasn't about the original post is absolutely wonderful. I have been watching a seminar tonight on marriage by a man named Mark Gungor, how the differences between how men and women think has a lot to do with many things that cause strife in both our lives and relationships. He is a minister but his seminars are in no way "preachy" or "religious." They are actually hilarious!! Here is a link to the channel that I found them on. I suggest watching the first one entitled "A Tale of Two Brains." and if you find the next number there is the entire seminar. [mod note: dead link deleted]

I appreciate it not being about the original post because, honestly, she is the past. And yes, we do have a lot of hurt feelings, as ANYONE would.

You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT that relationships (especially those that are online) take a lot of time to develop. Of course, if we were talking face to face, these details would have been discussed, but honestly, although it seems like I type a lot, I have neuropathy in my hands, so I sometimes leave out things that may be pertinent, but I don't think they really are to that SPECIFIC issue. You would have interrupted (politely of course ) and asked questions about things that were not clear to you.

As a psychology student, and honestly, to be truthful, being diagnosed bipolar at age 14, and being very intelligent, I have been studying psychology since then, pretty much, I know that I need to cut ties with my therapist. I know that I give him WAY too much power than he should have in my life and mind, because when I started seeing him 10 years ago, I needed a therapist with that much power. I was agoraphobic, I had numerous psych admissions a year, for sometimes 6-8 weeks at a time. I was on 11 psych meds at the same time. I didn't go to school, I didn't go to lunch with friends, I didn't go anywhere. My husband picked up what we needed from Walmart on his way home from work every day. He left for work every night, not knowing if I was going to be suicidal and possibly hurt myself because he wasn't there to stop me. That is a HUGE fear to have in your mind while you are trying to work and be a provider for a woman who isn't being much of a wife, shit, isn't being much of a person. I was pretty much a zombie.

I don't know why I am sharing this. I mean this is pretty, umm... deep stuff. But your post touched me, and I kinda got on a tangent.

Anyway, 6 years ago I went off all the meds I have ever taken. I haven't taken any psych meds for the last 6 years. I have scoliosis of the spine and have some pretty severe mobility issues. I got a service dog for mobility, and she ended up being a psychiatric service dog in many ways. I enrolled in college. I had always wanted to go, and had gone after high school, but was at that time on psych meds and had to drop classes due to hospitalizations. My dog went with me to my first day of college (which was definitely a "trial run," as I had a fear of school) and my first day was AWESOME!! I decided then and there that I would dedicate myself to positivity and good things.

I have come a long way. I write this so that you know more about where I have been, but also so that you know more about where I want to be. I am the head of a nonprofit that serves the cancer community. My goal is to someday have a cancer center where support group meetings are held, a place where I can use my education in psychology and my own experience with cancer to help others battling it. Of course, with any project the size of that, it takes baby steps, and working at the nonprofit at a pace that allows me to do school and get that degree I need to further that goal, I do the best that I can with what I have and know how to do.

Thank you for your post. It was very touching. And I will stick around. I don't know about DaJoshy, but I know that he will make the choice that is best for him.

 

[AutumnalTone]

Lots of problems here. I read up on other posts of yours, Clarice... You've been through a lot of health issues, mental illness, cancer. DaJoshy has shown you, however, that he thinks psychological therapy is bullshit. He has also shown in his few posts here how very sarcastic he is, and how much trouble he has simply sharing his emotions. He also doesn't understand polyamory, and just wants sex with another woman, not a full relationship. No wonder your unicorn left.

You left out the raging insecurity and control issues.

Other than that, carry on.

 

[dragonflysky]

...As a psychology student, and being diagnosed bipolar at age 14, and being very intelligent, I have been studying psychology since then. I know that I need to cut ties with my therapist. I give him WAY too much power because when I started seeing him 10 years ago I needed a therapist with that much power...

ClariceK, off-topic comment here: I have experienced and been treated for clinical depression for years, and I'm also an outpatient therapist. While I like that you take responsibility for giving your therapist way too much power, your THERAPIST has a professional responsibility to be in better control of your sessions. For him to allow you to talk about what you learned in class week after week for the bulk of your session is not professionally responsible, in my book. I realize therapeutic styles differ, but therapeutic relationships can become "co-dependent," and a therapist can "enable" someone to stay stuck in the very behaviors they came to change. You intellectualize about transference and countertransference, yet that is HIS responsibility to identify it and work it out, not yours! That's what you pay him for.

I can identify, to some degree, because I went to a male psychiatrist for a while and got caught up in a similar dynamic. He was extremely charismatic and charming. He stroked my personal and professional ego in lots of ways. I was used to giving my power over to men in authority positions. I wanted them to "like me," to affirm for me that I was an ok person. (The affirmation I never got from my father. Ah, Freud is alive and well! LOL)

The best thing I ever did for myself was to walk away from him, and never go back. I didn't tell him I was quitting. I didn't try and explain it to him, because that would just feed into the dysfunction and co-dependency in the relationship. I hired him as a professional, not a friend.

He wasn't meeting my therapeutic needs, so I "fired" him. I didn't owe him an explanation. I had to stop worrying so much about how it would affect him, and start fighting for what was best for ME. If he had been an ethical professional, he would have been happy for me that I finally had the courage to do what was in my best interest, with no regard for him. I have no idea what he thought. I never went back to ask. Was it easy? Hell no! Was it in my best interest? Hell yes! I have NEVER regretted the decision.

Please take good care of yourself.